By Sara M
We open late one night on a woman writing an entry for her blog, entitled "A Considered Life." You can find it at www.aconsideredlife.blogjournaling.com. Well, actually all you'll find there is a message saying "server not found" because it isn't a real website, but you know what I mean. Apparently, the woman, Frankie, just got in a fight with her husband, Taylor, over whether or not eating salmon goes against the Frankie's vegetarian diet. Frankie's commenters agree with Taylor that salmon is not a vegetable, although Frankie takes great delight in telling Taylor that they also found his attitude about it (as described by Frankie, who is not necessarily an impartial observer) to be "judgmental." I'd be judgmental too if someone tried to tell me that salmon isn't meat. I mean, come on now. [In the words of Kurt Cobain, it's okay to eat fish, because they don't have any feelings. - Zach] Taylor isn't thrilled to hear that Frankie blogged about their fight, but she says she has to, because her blog is about her life, and Taylor is part of that. Taylor says he doesn't want to be a part of her readers' lives, too, and orders her to delete the entry. At this point, there's an insistent knocking on the door. It's their neighbor, who claims that their slightly-raised voices at 2 am have drifted through the paper-thin apartment walls and woken him up. I find that hard to believe, since they weren't being loud at all and they're in their living room and there's at least the bedroom acting as a buffer zone between the living room and the neighbor's apartment. Sounds like Mr. Early Morning Wiring Job is being way too picky. Of course, I live to a deaf woman who watches Russian TV at full blast all day long, so perhaps I'm less than sympathetic. Taylor and Frankie apologize to him and promise to be quiet, at which point both Taylor and the neighbor notice that Frankie's face is suddenly covered in bruises. The neighbor immediately dials 911 to report some domestic violence (so, despite his earlier assholishness, he seems to be a decent guy). Taylor tells him to call for an ambulance, since something is seriously wrong with Frankie. She finally checks it out for herself in the mirror, at which point her gums start bleeding.
House ejects a DVD of the classic film How Wet Was My Valley from his living room entertainment center and carefully puts it back in its case. From the kitchen, Wilson asks what he's planning for tonight, and House honestly responds that he'll be doing some masturbating. In the living room, apparently. Because that's the way to thank the guy who basically paid for this entire apartment just to help you get back at Cuddy and lets you live there because your therapist recommends that you not live alone. It seems that House's living room nightly porn masturbation ritual is nothing new to poor Wilson, who simply replies that when House isn't watching the Discovery Channel, he's viewing porn that he apparently rents from a nearby video store, because House hasn't yet mastered the art and convenience of watching it on his computer. House claims that he likes renting DVDs because they come with a director's commentary. Wilson decides that House is way too lonely and invites him to join him on a speed-dating session tonight. Because if there's one thing that handsome, successful doctors just can't find on their own, it's a date. Come on, Wilson. Meanwhile, how long have they lived in that apartment? And it's STILL full of unpacked boxes and little else? Maybe House should masturbate less and unpack more. [Maybe the boxes are full of porn? Or soiled Kleenex? - Z]
By Sara M
At PPTH, the Cottages interrupt House from some reading in his office to inform him that he has a new patient. Hadley informs us that Frankie is a freelance photographer, suggesting that film processing chemicals could have something to do with her condition, to which Foreman says that since Frankie is also an avid blogger, he doubts she takes pictures on a film camera. Because everyone who uses a computer must therefore only take digital pictures. Even though film photography always looks better. And it's kind of impossible these days to be a freelance photographer who doesn't use a digital camera. But this was a good way to exposit that Frankie loves to blog so that the Cottages can have a discussion over whether or not it's right to put your entire private life online for all the world to see. Chase thinks it isn't. Taub thinks privacy is overrated, and a lack of it creates communities and connections or whatever. Hadley doesn't have an opinion on internet privacy, but does think they should invade Frankie's to search her home for toxins.
Hadley and Taub wander around Frankie and Taylor's apartment. Hadley says she's surprised that Taub is more pro-community than pro-privacy. Taub says he likes people and having friends. "You also like secrets," Hadley smirks. Not really, since Taub didn't really keep that whole affair thing a secret from his wife for very long. Taub shrugs that he thinks it's better when other people know what's going on with you, because then they can give you unsolicited advice about the best way to handle things. "When we're left to our own devices, we make lousy choices," Taub says. Yeah, that's why we have moms to tell us what to do (unless it involves credit card debt, in which case we talk to our fathers because it makes Mom upset to know that her baby has money management problems). It doesn't mean that everyone else needs to know about it. Unless, of course, you choose to write about it in a humorous television episode summary that anyone with an internet connection can then read. Suck it, Frankie! I can totally reveal more about myself on the internet than you can!
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By Sara M
Anyway, the conversation is interrupted by a knock at the door. Guess what? The nosy neighbor with almost superhero-like hearing powers heard people talking in Frankie and Taylor's apartment and not only did they wake him up, but he also knows they're trespassing. Taub suggests they jump out the window and try to climb down the fire escape, but Hadley just opens the door and tells the neighbor what's going on. "We're doctors. We aren't stealing anything. We're just collecting samples." She holds up her glove-covered hands to prove this, even though that kind of just proves even more that she's a burglar, since she'd be wearing gloves so as not to leave fingerprints as evidence. But the neighbor seems to buy her story, and Taub asks him if he knows Frankie well. The neighbor is too busy wiring houses to read popular blogs, so he says he only knows her from their few conversations, most of which revolve around the building's compost pile. Frankie thinks it's good for the Earth, while the neighbor wants it gone because it's attracting vermin, which he then takes it upon himself to kill off by throwing rat poison all over the place. Frankie then came in contact with the rat poison when she picked it up to get rid of it before another neighbor's dog ate it and died. Um, why aren't more people angry with this neighbor guy? He yells at everyone for making the slightest sound and he almost killed a beloved pet.
Suddenly, it's time for some speed dating! And despite his earlier refusal, House has decided to take Wilson up on his offer. As has Chase, who is apparently ready to start dating again after the recent break-up of his marriage. House doesn't like having Chase around, because he's attractive and thus too much competition for House and Wilson. Wilson agrees with House that Chase is hot. That's definitely something straight guys talk about with each other -- how good-looking they are. Chase gets all insecure, asking if they're implying that he can only get dates because of his looks. The fact that he's a doctor probably doesn't hurt either, though. House bets Chase $100 that he'll get over a dozen names at the end of the night even if he drops the Australian accent, acts stupid, and doesn't tell anyone he's a doctor. With that, an annoying woman bangs a small gong and says "the fun is about to start." The women are all sitting at tables and the men get to rotate around the room and meet them.
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By Sara M
Wilson starts off his date by saying he's an oncologist. The woman says her aunt and grandmother died from breast cancer. Nice conversation-opener, lady. I can't imagine why she has trouble finding dates. House is his usual crabby self to his date. Chase attempts an American accent and tells his date that he plays videogames and little else. Wilson's date sobs about how cancer has affected her life. What is with these people and their insistence on bringing up everyone they know who has cancer just because they're sitting in front of a cancer doctor? And he's not even a good cancer doctor. House's date has many things he's looking for: "I don't want kids. I'm thinking about going from a C to a D [cup]. And I'm on fire for the Lord." Two out of three isn't enough for House. Chase tells his date that she has big hips. It's worth making a seemingly nice woman feel bad about herself just to win $100 from House. Wilson finally meets a woman who doesn't know anyone with cancer. She does know a cat, however -- her own, who died a few months ago. She begins to cry. Meanwhile, House has found another, less God-loving likely prospect. She opens by saying she hates these things and is only here because a friend dragged her. Also, she loves solving puzzles, which is why she became a police detective. But criminals are stupid and thus she is not being challenged. House almost believes she's the perfect woman for him until he catches a glance at her crossword puzzle and sees that it's full of made-up words like "swoft," thus indicating that she isn't into puzzles at all but wanted her speed dates to think she was. Because that's one thing men find absolutely irresistible: women who claim to enjoy puzzles. So it's totally worth the effort to make it appear that you fulfill those qualities. House says she's a good liar, but stupid. And probably not a police officer. She does seem like a psychopath, though. That's like three female psychopaths in the last four episodes, isn't it? What is going on in the writers' lives? If only they had a blog to tell us why they're so obsessed with female sociopaths. Oh wait -- they do! Well, one of them does. The rest have Twitter accounts. The speed-dating session wraps up and the guys tally up their results. Wilson gets a small pile of cards from interested women. House actually gets a few too, despite his best efforts. And Chase appears to get a card from every single woman there. Even the gong lady is impressed with haul. House is happiest of all, because now he gets $100 to spend on more porn rentals.
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By Sara M
Meanwhile, Taub and Foreman check on Frankie, who is typing away on her laptop in the hospital room. A friend is sitting nearby, and Taub is surprised that he has a patient who actually gets visitors. Although it's not like anyone else from Frankie's life, like, say, her parents or siblings, will be stopping by. As it turns out, the friend is reading Frankie's latest blog entry on her own laptop even though she's sitting right to Frankie's bed. Because internet people are weird and incapable of real relationships, y'all! I know when my friends come over, our time together is spent reading my recaps. Frankie's friend immediately recognizes Foreman based on what she's read about him on Frankie's blog, where she apparently implied that he was condescending. Foreman bristles at this, like he doesn't know that he sounds condescending all the time. Frankie gets up to go to the bathroom at this point, which is never a good sign for someone on this show. Either you're going to pee soundlessly, or blood will soon be pouring out of your ass. Frankie gets off easy, however, as she just ends up with a toilet full of "mud-colored" pee. That's bad news for Frankie's kidneys, and it rules out their rat poison toxicity diagnosis.
House spends five seconds trying to come up with a new diagnosis for Frankie until Wilson walks past the office. He runs out to announce to Wilson (and everyone else in the hallway) that he can't find any of his porn films. Wilson says he returned them to the store, which is what House deserves for leaving his porno all over the place. When pressed, Wilson admits that since there was a chance he might bring a woman home from the speed dating session last night, he wanted the place to be "a porn-free zone." And apparently, the idea of simply putting the porn away where they wouldn't be seen did not occur to him. Because I guess Wilson was never a 15-year-old boy. House says his porn-free morning was "ruined," like, who has time in the morning before work for a masturbation ritual? Don't men usually take care of that while they're in the shower, thus killing two birds with one stone? Three if you brush your teeth at the same time. House returns to the meeting room in time to agree with diagnosis of Haff disease. "Haff disease" is pronounced "Hoff" but spelled "Haff," thus ruining all of the awesome David Hasselhoff jokes I set up before I did a spellcheck. House sends the Cottages out to treat Frankie accordingly.
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By Sara M
Later that day, Wilson stops by House's office, only to find him hunched over his laptop. He guesses that House is reading his patient's blog, but that would require House to be at all interested in his patient or her life, and he is not. Wilson, apparently, did some reading instead, although my guess is he was probably a regular reader of Frankie's blog before she got sick. He just seems like the type. House turns the subject to movies, specifically his pornos that Wilson returned. He went back to the store to re-rent them, only to find that Wilson returned just two of the three movies, claiming the third was lost. Wilson tries to stammer an excuse, but House just continues that he then went out in search of another copy of the movie at a different store. And he was successful. "You have it here?!" Wilson asks, panicking. House answers by turning the volume of his laptop on, and your standard wacka-chicka-wah-wah porno music flows from the speakers. Wilson runs to House's side of the desk and watches as the movie title, Feral Pleasures, pops up and then cuts to a scene where a group of humans with antlers and forest-people-type clothes on dance around a fire. One of them turns around in a close-up and IT'S WILSON! Wilson groans and tries to explain himself. "That's not me. It's not -- mostly not me." Let's cut back to the embarrassment and watch as Wilson acts his little heart out and pretends to be a naïve forest creature. Wilson says he did this for a college friend who was minoring in film as Antlers Wilson pokes his head out from behind a tree and spots a fully human woman sleeping in the forest. Wilson says he didn't think anyone would ever see this, but then his friend turned into a real director (of porn) and decided to add some new scenes to his old student film footage and release it as a porno. Suddenly, Wilson and the woman are played by two different actors and shot on digital video instead of what was most likely 16mm film. At least, that's what I shot my student films on. And I shoot my pornos on digital video. Not-Wilson tells his fair maiden to "be not afraid. The forest nymphs have taught me how to please a woman." House doesn't care if the porno scenes are acted by Wilson or some guy who just looks a little bit like him -- this is still awesome. Oh, and then the porn starts happening, as we can hear from the laptop speakers, so Wilson leaves, ordering House not to tell anyone else about this. Yeah, like that'll work. "From this moment on, my lips are sealed," House says.
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By Sara M
Wilson stumbles out into the hall, nearly knocking over Hadley. He apologizes to her, and she says it's okay. "Be not afraid," she adds. Ahahaha! That was good. Hadley is useful for something after all. She walks into the meeting room, where Chase is poring over Frankie's blog for clues as to what her condition could be. Chase says he hasn't found anything relevant yet, although he is surprised to see that Frankie leaves no detail of her life unblogged. Like sex, which she doesn't enjoy having when angry. Hadley says there might be something to this blogging stuff, as just one hour after Frankie wrote about how her kidneys failed, a concerned fan from Singapore called PPTH offering one of hers. Surely people in Singapore have better things to do than donate kidneys to bloggers. Like beat criminal offenders.
Chase changes the subject to something more important to him -- himself. He asks Hadley for an objective woman's opinion on his looks. His bet with House has suddenly shown him that his handsome face might be all women want him for. Um, and that hasn't occurred to him before? Seriously? Because most really attractive guys I know are very aware of their looks and how they can use them to hook up with lots of people. Apparently, Chase thought that men were shallow creatures who only cared about looks, while women only cared about men's personalities. Except, wasn't he just as surprised as everyone else when they had a hot female patient with an ugly and not apparently wealthy husband? So clearly, he knew then that women can be shallow. Chase tries to relate this all back to the case, saying that the fact that Frankie can't get hot for angry sex with her husband might be a symptom of Sjogrens, which can cause certain areas to dry up.
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By Sara M
Chase takes Frankie to some room for testing, apologizing for waking her up in the middle of the night. He lets her know how and why he came up with the Sjogrens theory, and she asks if he thinks she's crazy to make her life so public. He says he does find it a bit strange that she is so open with strangers, but Frankie says they aren't strangers to her -- they comment on her blog, e-mail her, offer up their kidneys, etc. Except that if Frankie has readers as far away as Singapore, then she's probably really popular and thus gets thousands of unique hits a day, so she cannot possibly know who every one of those hits comes from. So yes, strangers are in fact reading about her sex life. Also reading about her sex life? Could be her mother. Or father. Or fifth grade teacher. This is why we don't make certain facts about ourselves available for just anyone to learn. Frankie asks Chase if he's in a relationship, because that's definitely a question I find appropriate to ask my doctor. Chase says his last relationship ended "recently" but declines to provide any more details. I'm sure that in about five minutes, PPTH is going to get some calls from Frankie.com fans who would love to meet an attractive single doctor. Chase tells Frankie to lie on her back for the test. She lies on her side instead, saying she doesn't like to lie flat on her back.
The morning, Chase enters the meeting room and informs the Cottages and House that he booked Frankie for heart surgery, as her complaint about not wanting to lie on her back is common amongst people with heart valve problems. Heart valve problems can also be an effect of Sjogrens, making it the most likely diagnosis right now. He backed this up with an echocardiogram just to make sure that his theory was correct, and found that Frankie's mitral valve is "nearly gone." That can't be good. Nor is the fact that your mitral valve can apparently disintegrate and the only indication is not wanting to lie on your back.
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By Sara M
Before Frankie can have her surgery, however, she has to decide which kind of replacement valve she wants: a plastic one, a pig valve, or a human mitral valve courtesy of some chick in Singapore. The pros and cons of each choice are as follows: a plastic valve will require Frankie to be on anti-coagulant drugs for the rest of her life, which have been shown to cause birth defects, thus meaning she won't be able to have kids. Well, she'll still be able to, but really probably shouldn't unless she likes sewing extra armholes into their shirts. The pros for the plastic valve are that it doesn't come from a pig, and is therefore less gross. With the pig valve, Frankie will not have to take birth defect drugs, but it will "wear out" sooner and need replacing in ten years, which means another heart surgery. Chase adds that Frankie should go for the pig valve, since while she's undecided about whether or not she wants children, he and the rest of Frankie's readers know that Taylor really wants them. The look Taub shoots Chase following this is awesome. The doctors leave the room, and Taylor tells Frankie that it's her decision. Frankie begs to differ, and decides to blog about this for feedback. Taylor is understandably miffed, saying that a bunch of strangers' immediate responses shouldn't be able to influence Frankie's decision, especially since he's pretty sure they'll feel sorry for the pig who will be killed to give her a heart valve and urge her to go for the plastic one instead, thus depriving Taylor of children. He begs her not to blog about it, but she thinks that in order to be an honest blogger, she has to either admit everything or nothing. Yeah, but on the other hand, I'm pretty sure that when you're in a hospital and need heart surgery, you're probably not feeling well enough to make another blog entry and your readers will understand the lack of updates. Hell, I don't need heart surgery and I still don't update my blog.
Wilson enters his office with his faithful nurse/assistant Sandy (last seen in that Wilson-specific episode earlier this season), only to find that his movie posters have been replaced. With posters for another movie. That movie being Feral Pleasures. And House went all-out, too, taking stills from the movie and adding taglines, then having them printed on what had to be a rush order. Wilson just stares at them, until Sandy speaks up: "I guess I should thank whoever taught you how to please a woman. Maybe it was the forest nymphs." Is she saying that she slept with Wilson? That can't be appropriate. "Get my Vertigo poster back," Wilson growls.
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By Sara M
He heads down to the cafeteria to get some food, no doubt hoping it will make him feel better. Oops! No dice -- the sassy cafeteria register lady is on House's side for the first time ever, handing Wilson his change with "be not afraid. It's exact change." Sassy Cafeteria Register Lady is now my favorite background character, since Evil Nurse Brenda appears to be gone forever. Wilson sits down at Chase's table. Chase suspects something is up, and he's right -- Wilson wants Chase to help him get revenge on House. "Couldn't you just ask the love nymphs for the secret?" Chase asks. Chase, it's forest nymphs. Not love nymphs. Everyone else managed to get it right. Even Hadley. Wilson says he needs something on House that would humiliate him if it were to be made public. Chase asks why Wilson is coming to him for this, since Wilson knows House better than anyone. Wilson's figuring that House is too smart to leave something potentially embarrassing in the condo where Wilson could find it, so their best chance for public House humiliation is in House's office. And Chase has been working alongside House's office for years now, and is thus the best person to ask. Foreman's been working for House for even longer than Chase, but apparently he didn't get any lines this week. Chase thinks it's highly unlikely they'll find anything, since House usually does embarrassing things like solicit prostitutes and call his bookie openly, but then he remembers something: House has been reading a Henry James book in his office, but Chase knows he must be reading something else and just put the Henry James book jacket over it because he didn't want anyone to know what he was really reading, since the Henry James book is 400+ pages and whatever House is reading is decidedly shorter.
The comments are in, and Frankie has decided to get a plastic valve because "it just makes more sense." Taylor doesn't think that's really why, then launches into a discussion about the internet and how Frankie used to think it was a place where no one ever had to be alone, because there was always someone out there who shared your interests, however obscure. Is that a good thing, really? Because most of those obscure interests are things that people should probably keep to themselves as opposed to sharing them with others. Like furries. Or child porn collectors. Taylor says that Frankie is no longer using the internet to connect with people, but instead to make those people serve as an audience for the performance that has become her life. "You've turned our lives into their entertainment... don't give them this," he begs, threatening to leave her if she does. Seriously, NOW he puts his foot down? Really? The angry sex entries were okay, but mitral valve replacement is over the line? He should have stopped her from doing this a long time ago, but I read Frankie's blog, and it said that he's kind of passive and hates confrontation, so he'd rather let someone continue to do something he disagrees with than directly ask her to stop.
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By Sara M
Wilson and Chase search House's office. Wilson says that House chose well for his decoy book jacket, since no one would bother to pick up The Golden Bowl by Henry James. Chase says one person would -- it's Cameron's favorite book. And yes, he did refer to her as "Cameron." I guess once you get divorced, you refer to the ex by her maiden name. Chase finds the book and removes the jacket to reveal Step By Step. But no, it's not a novelization of the popular sitcom starring Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers -- it's a book of sermons written by a real minister about such topics as how to love one's neighbor even if that neighbor's stereo is keeping you awake at night. Um, no, I'm sorry, but you do not have to love your neighbor in that case, because your neighbor obviously doesn't love you enough to be respectful and keep his freaking stereo down or, when it gets late enough, turn it off. Thus, if you neighbor's stereo keeps you awake at night, you are allowed to slash that neighbor's tires. Tragically for me, my neighbor who listens to loud Russian TV all the time doesn't have a car, so I remain helpless. Chase and Wilson realize that House must be hiding this book from them because he's reading it in the hopes of getting something out of it, even though he's made his feelings concerning religion well-known in the past. "What a hypocrite," Chase says. "How can we use this in a cruel yet funny way?" Oh, clearly Chase didn't read Sermon 14 from the book, all about how to honor one's boss by not assisting that boss's best friend in his little revenge plan. Or if Chase did read it, he conveniently ignored it, much like he did that commandment about not killing people. Wilson grabs the book and tells Chase not to tell anyone else about it. Chase is disappointed.
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By Sara M
Frankie is being prepared for her surgery. Taylor is with her, although whether or not he'll be around when she wakes up is not known. Frankie says she hates that Taylor doesn't have a blog, because she has no way of knowing what he's thinking. Um, what? Really? I'm pretty sure humans were able to convey their thoughts to each other in the thousands of years our race had before the advent of blogs. Suddenly, Frankie has a sharp pain in her right side. She screams and barfs yellow fluid.
Frankie had her surgery, but instead of replacing her mitral valve, they removed her burst appendix. Wow, it burst just like that? With no pain beforehand? They took a biopsy of the appendix and found that it was full of "abnormal cells," most likely lymphoma. So now Frankie has cancer! And it's so far advanced, especially now that the appendix burst flooded her entire body with cancer cells, that they don't think there's any point giving her chemo. Foreman says they still have one chance to save her, though -- Cuddy approved an experimental treatment in which they use Frankie's unique cells to create a lymphoma vaccine. Way to make it happen off-camera, Cuddy, thus giving Lisa Edelstein the week off! Frankie asks if that will save her life. Chase says they're not exactly sure what it will do. Hopefully, it'll train Frankie's immune system to fight malignant cancer cells. If she doesn't do anything at all, they give her "maybe a year" to live. That's kind of a long time, actually, as far as cancer so advanced it can't be treated with chemotherapy is concerned. Are they sure they can't do chemo? Taylor urges Frankie to do it, saying he'll be there for her every step of the way. Frankie says the vaccine sounds fine and to start as soon as possible.
In the hall, Foreman takes off while Chase stays behind to speak to Wilson's assistant, Sandy. "Can I borrow your car?" he asks her. Some time later, he's working on the cancer vaccine with Hadley and amazed that Sandy just gave him her car keys. He thinks his good looks have struck again, and frets about how all this time, he thought he was connecting with people when they were really just pretending to care about what he was saying because he's hot. Hadley decides to tell us all a story from her own life, saying the first man she fell in love with was a great guy until she realized that he was acting the way he thought she'd like just to be with her because she's hot. Also, he was 30 and she was 17. Hmm. Someone's got Daddy Issues. From this, Hadley says that it takes time to really get to know someone beyond his or her physical appearance, but it's the stuff beyond the physical that makes a relationship really last. At least, I think that's what she meant. I don't really know. This stuff is all common sense and we all learned it by like third grade. I just don't understand why it's all news to Chase.
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By Sara M
House arrives home to find a very satisfied Wilson holding his Step by Step book. House seems unfazed by Wilson's discovery, claiming that he's just reading something one of his former patients wrote, like Wilson is going to believe that when House won't even read his current patient's blog. Wilson is truly concerned about why House is reading this book, wondering if he's that desperate for answers to his leg pain now that he doesn't have the Vicodin. "I'm all right. Trust me," House says. Wilson sighs and asks if House is all right because he's on Vicodin. House just repeats "trust me" and asks for his book back. When House finds out something embarrassing about Wilson, he lets the entire hospital staff know about it and then spends a great deal of time and energy creating movie posters to heighten the joke. When Wilson finds out something embarrassing about House, he gets all worried, tells his co-conspirator not to tell anyone else, and has to talk to him about it. He'll never learn.
The day, House enters the meeting room to find all of the Cottages reading his own personal copy of Step By Step, with a small pile of extra books in the center of the table. Taub is the first to speak, saying that while these sermons aren't Jewwy enough for him, they've obviously helped House through his own "spiritual turmoil." House is clearly upset and embarrassed about this, but tries to play it off, telling Taub to read Chapter 6, which deals with shutting up. Foreman speaks up then, saying his personal favorite sermon was the one about the benefits of prayer before medical treatment. Ha! House doesn't even want his patients to speak to him before their treatments, let alone speak to God. "And I think it's great that you have been called to witness by the Lord!" he says. "Chapter 2: Bite Me," House recommends. He is clearly flustered if the best he can do is a grade school insult. House then turns to Chase, who hugs his own copy tightly to his chest. "Hiiiii," Chase says, so pleased with himself. He says he was able to find all of these new copies despite the book being out of print by making a call to the author, who had boxes of books in his basement. With that, Chase slides one of them onto the shelf to medical texts with a big grin. "You called him? What'd you say?" House asks, looking nervous. He makes sure that Chase didn't mention House by name before the Cottages' pagers go off in unison.
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By Sara M
OOPS! The cancer vaccine kicked Frankie's immune system into overdrive, and she now has a fever of 104. The team throw her a few ice packs before heading to Cuddy's office to give her something to do this week. Cuddy says they'll have to stop giving Frankie the vaccine, because it's better for her to die later from the cancer rather than sooner from the cancer vaccine. Meanwhile, House finds it odd that when Hadley administered one of the vaccine injections, she had to wake Frankie up to do it. "Who can sleep in a hospital?" he wonders. Well, House can, for one. And does. Often. Also, patients. I used to work in a hospital and the patients were always sleeping. Mostly because they were old and tired, but also because there was nothing else to do. Chase doesn't see anything unusual about it, pointing out that Frankie is a "night owl," as she told him when he ran that late-night test on her earlier. House takes over Cuddy's laptop and checks out Frankie's blog for the first time, noting that while her current posts were made in the early hours of the morning, six months ago most of her posts were during the day. He thinks the day-night reversal is a symptom of liver disease, which then rules out lymphoma. I'm sorry, but I think that cancer cells in a burst appendix are much better evidence than blog time stamps. For all we know, she switched her schedule because it's 12 hours ahead in Singapore, so posting at 2:30 and 4 am means that her devoted, kidney-gifting fan can read the latest Frankie post at work. House says they could have made a mistake and the abnormal cells weren't cancer after all. "Biopsy her liver," he orders. Wow, good thing they didn't treat her with chemo after all, since she apparently didn't really have cancer. I'm sure a hospital with a better oncology department would have realized that. The Cottages leave, and House takes a second to flirt with Cuddy as if they don't now have a history that makes this incredibly awkward.
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By Sara M
Chase and Foreman inform Frankie that they were totally wrong about the lymphoma. "You said my appendix was full of cancer cells," Frankie says, confused. Foreman says they thought they were, but now they think they're just a "granulomatous build up from some unknown cause." So basically, once again, they are clueless. All they know is that Frankie is still dying, but now at a much faster pace -- if they can't figure out why her liver is failing, she'll be dead in three or four days. Foreman and Taub leave Frankie sobbing in Taylor's arms.
After the break, House and the team are back in the meeting, trying to figure something out. Foreman suggests that Frankie's fever was not caused by the vaccine after all, but could be a new symptom. That means Frankie must have some kind of infection, but Hadley says there's nothing in Frankie's medical history or even her blog to clue them into what. "There has to be something she's not telling us," House says. Chase doubts it, pointing out that hiding facts about herself from others isn't exactly typical of their current patient. House seemingly gives up and tells them to treat Frankie with a bunch of antibiotics and hope they do the job.
House scans Frankie's blog on his own looking for clues. What we see of Frankie's posts are pretty boring. She attended a gallery opening, she doesn't like Wuthering Heights, and she and Taylor argued over whether or not smoked salmon counted as meat. Why does she have so many passionate fans this stuff can't possibly be that interesting to so many people. House decides to engage in a Deep Thinking Music Montage for a while, ending back in front of his laptop with his hands clasped in front of him, as if in prayer. But we all know that can't possibly be what he's doing, and then Wilson walks in to explain to us why House was secretly reading religious literature. It turns out that once Wilson got a chance to look at the author photo on the book's real dust cover, he recognized him -- it's House's biological father, who Wilson saw for like one second at the funeral. And he's a minister. "Natural selection is not an infallible force," House sighs, so embarrassed. I must say, I didn't see this one coming. Never did I think this show would share any similarities to the show I used to recap before House came along and saved me from TV crapdom. This can't be a good sign. Wilson asks House why he resorted to reading his biological father's book instead of just talking to him in person. Oh, why do you think, Wilson? Talking to people in person about things like this is difficult for most people. House says he was only "mildly curious" about his dad -- "enough to read a book. Not enough to make a phone call." But that's not enough for Wilson, who keeps talking so as to give House his Epiphany Moment. He says House was studying his father's book, even though his whole life, he's thought this religious stuff is "crap." "Crap... " House mutters, and gets up to leave the room. Wilson recognizes House's Epiphany Face, but warns him that he'd better not be faking it to get out of a "tough conversation." I have a feeling that Wilson is used to people making excuses not to talk to him.
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By Sara M
House limps into Frankie's room and greets her with "Dd you poop?" When no response is forthcoming, he persists, inquiring about the density of Frankie's poop ("sinkers or floaters?") as well as the consistency ("greasy and soft or hard and pellet-like?"). You know, I honestly don't think I could answer that question about my own waste, although these days -- thanks to my apartment landlord's refusal to call a plumber about the massive sewage leak in our garage -- I could tell you pretty much everything about the bowel movements of my neighbors. Because I get to see them every day piled up to my car, along with whatever else people flush down their toilets. I imagine I'll be catching hepatitis or some other unpleasant poop-borne illness sooner or later. Sorry to bog this recap down with stories about my personal life, but Frankie has inspired me to let my readers know as much about my private life as possible. Anyway, back to fictional people's problems. Frankie says she puts out soft, greasy floaters. House accuses her of being "swoft," by which he means she's a hypocrite. While she prides herself on putting her entire life on the internet for anyone to read, she holds back on one detail: her poop. And it's not like there isn't an internet readership for it, as The Poop Report has shown us. Frankie says she didn't think her readers really wanted to read about stuff like that. House says they probably don't, but her doctors do, especially since he's guessing her poop changed in the last few months. Of course, if they really wanted to know about Frankie's poop, they could have asked her about it much earlier. Frankie says her poop did change recently, but she didn't think anything of it, figuring it was a consequence of becoming vegetarian (except not really, since she ate salmon). House says that true vegetarian poop is actually small and pellet-like, like a rabbit's. Hers is the opposite because he's guessing her body isn't absorbing the nutrients it needs from her food due to Whipple's disease, which is named after the long-time toilet paper pitchman because of the disease's connection to poop issues. That's not true. Whipple's caused the malabsorption, which then caused all of Frankie's other problems. She went from dead in three days to just fine after some drugs and a heart valve replacement. Frankie and Taylor celebrate with kisses, and then Frankie says she's going to get a pig valve, because there's nothing like a near-death experience to make you want kids. Taylor brings her her laptop so she can tell her blog readers the good news.
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By Sara M
In the unisex locker room, Chase has another talk with Hadley regarding their incredibly good looks and how tough life is for them. Chase wonders if you can really get to know someone over the internet, and Hadley says it lets you know the person beyond his or her appearance, and then gets sick of Chase and asks him what his deal is today. Before he can answer, she guesses that it has something to do with his recent divorce. He says he was the one who pursued Cameron. Maybe he cared so much about her looks that he told himself she had a personality that was attractive, too. "You felt something real. So did she. Don't try to take it back now," Hadley says. Plus, it's not like Chase and Cameron's relationship ended because they suddenly realized they didn't like each other -- it was because Cameron couldn't live with Chase knowing that he was an unrepentant murderer. With that, Chase asks Hadley if he can borrow her car. Is he coming onto her? Either way, she rejects him, because Chase might be pretty, but Hadley knows that she's the prettiest.
Wilson catches up with House at the elevator and continues his psychoanalysis session, asking why House would rather read his father's book than talk to him. "Can you write a book so I can stop talking to you?" House asks. Seriously. Wilson answers his own question, saying he thinks House didn't want to actually meet his dad -- just find out how his mind works in the hopes that he can find someone else out there who thinks like he does. And he thought a bunch of sermons would come from a mind like his own? Doubtful. "You wanted what we all want," Wilson says, and he and House walk into the lobby. "The power to transform into any water-based object?" House asks. Wow, that superpower was the first one to pop into his mind? The power possessed by Zan, one half of the crappy Wonder Twins who only got to be in the Justice League because they were marginally cooler than Wendy and Marvin? Even the other Wonder Twin, Jayna, had a better power than him. Wilson says House just wants to "look across the gulf and know there's someone else like [him]." Do people really talk like this? House says his search was unsuccessful, and underneath all of his father's "god stuff" was just more God stuff. But was it soft and greasy or hard and pellet-like? They leave PPTH with Wilson none-the-wiser to the fact that the giant lobby mural has been covered up by yet another still from Wilson's movie. Cuddy orders someone to call maintenance to take it down, but you know she's secretly enjoying it. I just want to know how House got it up there in the first place.
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By Sara M
Watch House episodes, discuss them in our forums, then see our list of House's Most Ridiculous Patients!
Like Frankie, Sara Morrison has a blog, although she doesn't update it nearly as much. You can also follow her on Twitter. Her kidneys are just fine, but if you'd like to donate one to her anyway, you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com for postage information.
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