By Sara M
House's latest patient is an autistic boy, much to Foreman's chagrin, as in this episode he suddenly has no time or patience for people with disabilities. But treat him he must, even while House throws a temper tantrum and refuses to work in his office until Cuddy puts his old, blood-stained carpeting back. Instead, House works in other people's offices, including Evil Nurse Brenda's, Wilson's, Cuddy's, and God's. In between moving offices and fending off advances from last week's teenage girl with a scary crush, House figures out that the boy ate some sandbox sand with worm-infested raccoon poop in it, giving him special parasites that don't show up on any parasite test but can be seen waving around inside the kid's eyeball. Speaking of eyes, when Cuddy forces House to break it to the New Jersey Lolita that they can never be (using Casablanca quotes), he notices her milky tears and figures out that she has some disease that's making her act like a crazy stalker. It is quite a blow to House's ego. But then he saves the autistic boy's life and gets a PSP and actual eye contact from the boy as a reward in a scene that was probably sappy but also really touching. Meanwhile, Wilson does some more armchair psychology and figures out that House has Asperger's Syndrome. He doesn't, but he does have a strange jealousy of autistic people and their ability to flout social rules. He also gets his old carpet back when Cuddy loses her backbone.
A father asks his autistic son, named Adam, to identify certain pictures. Although Adam must struggle to overcome the blinding light of Autisto-vision, he tries. And fails. All he'll do is draw scribbly lines on a chalkboard. During lunch, Adam's parents conference about how Adam keeps drawing chalk lines instead of paying attention to his lessons. Dad demands that Adam ask for juice instead of banging his empty cup on the table. Adam responds to this by half-choking and screaming.
House tells the Cottages that their newest case is a "severely autistic" boy who's taken up screaming. Foreman thinks that this is hardly unusual, because autism and screaming go hand-in-hand. But House figures that Adam's parents know his regular screams from his "something's wrong" screams and, since this is the first time they've brought him to the ER after ten years of round-the-clock care, he is going to take their word for it. House also glances around his office and seems disturbed, something Cameron finds much more interesting than her latest case, the file for which she hasn't even bothered to pick up.
On their way down to the ER via elevator, House tells them to get all kinds of samples from Adam for all kinds of tests. "Because he screamed?" Cameron balks, apparently not having gotten it the first four times this was established. Chase, of course, is ready, willing, and able to give House everything he needs and not question his choice of cases. Foreman TMIs that last night he had a date who screamed, so maybe he should bring her to the ER, too. House says that PPTH is not a veterinary hospital, so, no. Well, you set yourself up for that one, Foreman, didn't you? House wishes them well trying to get a "lump with tonsils" into a nuclear scanner and takes off.
House marches into Cuddy's office to demand his old bloodstained office carpet back, punctuating his demand by slamming his cane onto Cuddy's desk so you know he's serious. She gets off the phone and says that she will not give him his hazardous biological waste-stained carpet back. Yeah, well, if it was that important to remove it, you'd think she would have done it in the few days after the shooting, when the biological waste was still actually hazardous. Instead, she waited three months. Too late, Cuddy. House says that he will not work in his office until the old carpet has been restored. She tells him that if he doesn't want to work in his office, he can work in the Clinic. And if he doesn't want to work there, he can go home and not get paid. "Attica! Attica!" House Dog Day Afternoons, banging his cane on the ground. This earns House nothing except a weirded-out glance from Cuddy, who is apparently not a Pacino fan.
So House resorts to his old stand-by: a portable videogame. Oh, except that's not House using it -- it's Adam. And his father says that the Cottages should hold off testing him until he's finished with whatever level he's on in the game. Foreman gets all impatient, having apparently skipped the med school lecture about making accommodations for patients with disabilities. He also missed the lecture about not being a total asshole when talking to patients and their families, and says that if Adam has a vascular disorder, they may not have ten minutes to wait for him to finish his videogame. Dad ain't falling for that, so Foreman says that he's the one who doesn't have ten minutes to waste, and then he tries to yank the videogame out of Adam's hands like a total fucking asshole. I mean, what the hell, Foreman? Adam's not of those worthless homeless people you have to learn a lesson from, he's a child with a neurological disorder, a field you supposedly specialize in. Unsurprisingly, Adam responds to Foreman grabby-hands with screaming.
House is down in the Clinic. I really missed those Clinic patients and their silly problems. Today, a woman is telling House that, after some considerable trouble even getting her bowels to move, her ass ejected something unfamiliar into the toilet that she has helpfully wrapped in tissue paper and brought in for House to inspect.
We cut to Foreman trying to get Adam to stay still for the nuclear scanner and wonder what's worse: the patient who screams and squirms or the patient who shoves unidentifiable things that came out of her ass in your face. Foreman ties the kid down and starts the test.
While House tries to stay awake, another patient tells him that after years of chronic back pain, he suddenly woke up with no pain at all. Sounds like he was in a little something I like to call a "ketamine coma."
While Foreman abuses his autistic patient, Cameron and Foreman check out the kid's house. Cameron finds some of Dad's antidepressants and Chase notes that every second of every day is planned out on a schedule on the fridge. Cameron snorts that Adam's parents don't have much of a life, and Chase says that you only choose to have kids, not what the kids turn out like. "Nobody chooses this," Cameron says. Well, no, except for the people who adopt autistic kids, of which I'm sure there are some. I mean, I don't think I'd choose to marry someone just because he was dying of terminal cancer, but I wouldn't judge someone else for doing it. Unless, of course, she whined and cried about it a lot and I didn't like her character anyway and therefore was happy to find fault in it. In the backyard, Chase comments that it's only when you have a special kid that parents seem to go all out and pay attention to it. Cameron says that if only Chase had been autistic, maybe his dad wouldn't have abandoned him. Whoa! Who crapped in Cameron's Cheerios this morning?
House's Clinic patient is familiar: it's the New Jersey Lolita I thought we had ended things with last week. But now she's back. First Addison's Guy and now Ali -- looks like Season 3 will be the year of recurring Clinic characters! Ali says that she's feeling under the weather and may have caught what her dad had. House puts two fingers on the sinus areas of her forehead and asks her whether it hurts. She reacts to this by closing her eyes and squirming as if this was some kind of orgasmic experience. I have to say, I'm really glad House isn't a gynecologist. Then she unzips her shirt so House can check out her chest. Which he does. Ali says House's stethoscope "feels good." This is icky. It's also not true -- those things are always cold and don't feel good at all, regardless of one's age or horniness. House doesn't seem to mind it too much, though, and asks Ali when New Jersey ran out of horny seventeen year-old boys. They share a moment and look into each other's eyes. Foreman chooses this moment to burst in without knocking and gets an eyeful of Ali, which is why people should really knock before entering an exam room. He reports that the ventilation scan was normal so they can now rush Adam out the door and move onto their patient, right? So much for the Foreman a few weeks ago who wanted to learn from House, no matter how pointless his efforts seemed. House informs Ali that she has the same antibiotics-treated virus her dad had. Then he tells Foreman that he can't leave the Clinic and go to his office -- Cuddy's orders.
The solution to this problem is to bring House's office down to the Clinic, starting with the Whiteboard O'Symptoms. Evil Nurse Brenda immediately takes umbrage with this: "Don't start with me!" House tells her that he realizes this is inconvenient, but it's how things must be until his little temper tantrum is over and he gets his way. Evil Nurse Brenda runs off to get her shotgun and/or tattle to Cuddy, and House asks the Cottages what results they've gotten so far. The answer is nothing. Foreman sing-songs that there's nothing wrong with Adam, apparently forgetting every episode of this show when nothing amiss shows up on a patient's tests but he's dying anyway. Shut up, Foreman.
House is assigning the Cottages to collect a fecal smear from Adam when Cuddy enters to ask House what the hell he's doing. He says that his office is currently unusable, so the Clinic will have to do. Cuddy tells him he can't disrupt the hospital just because he hasn't gotten his way and orders him to leave. House will not leave, so Cuddy grows a backbone and tells him to leave the Clinic and use his office or he's fired. No, I'm sorry, that's a lie. She actually just totally caved and told him to do whatever he wants in protest, but she will not replace his carpet.
Foreman reports to Adam's room to get the fecal smear, since Adam is apparently constipated like that Clinic woman was and won't go on his own. Adam's busy playing his videogame again, but Foreman manages to ask if he should wait for him to finish without being all sarcastic and asshole-y. He does, however, point out that Adam might not be sick at all and the parents may have just overreacted. They almost believe Foreman, until Adam starts doing his choking thing again. This time he spits out some nasty white stuff, too.
House has moved his traveling tantrum show into Wilson's office. He writes down Adam's newest symptom -- pleural effusion -- while Cameron the Clueless asks House what they're doing in Wilson's office. While Foreman, Chase, and House discuss their patient, Cameron keeps butting in to ask him about his problems with the new office carpeting. House won't answer her, and starts raking Wilson's dorky mini-Zen rock garden while he orders the Cottages to give Adam an echocardiogram. Then Wilson walks in the room and makes the perfect look of surprise, and yet not surprise. While he wonders aloud what everyone's doing in his office, House orders the Cottages off and ignores him.
The Cottages depart, with Cameron giving Wilson a strange nod that is probably their secret tattletale code on her way out. Wilson says that while he and House share "stories, feelings, and toys," they do not share offices. I want to know which "toys" those two share. And what straight man talks about his feelings with another straight man? While House admires the various silly trinkets Wilson has on his desk, gifts from grateful patients, I admire that Touch of Evil poster on the wall. I want one. Maybe not with Orson Welles's face so big on it, although it may not be possible to get Orson Welles in any size except big. House asks Wilson about some cheap little doctor teddy bear figurine, and Wilson says that it was a joke he and one of his child cancer patients shared with each other. She's dead now, though. So House throws the gift in the trash. Asshole!
Foreman tries to do an echocardiogram in Autisto-vision. It's not going well. When Foreman finally does complete his task, it's even worse. "Is his heart okay?" Dad asks. "No," Foreman gravely whispers, like he even cares.
So now Adam has a conduction abnormality in his heart. It doesn't explain the pleural effusion, so they're looking for something that would cause that and the heart problem. They rule out infection, while Cameron rules out House and Cuddy's fight being a power play. OH, MY GOD CAMERON! PAY ATTENTION! How does she still have job? I get yelled at when I ask my boss if we can get a fish tank to make the office look prettier, and she gets away with this? What the hell? Anyway, Cameron has pieced the clues together and figured that since they are now working in an empty office space, House can't be doing this just to piss off Cuddy, but must have a sincere issue with his new carpet. Then a parade of serious, suit-clad businesspeople enter the room and crap on her parade. This empty room is actually the site of a meeting Cuddy had booked for right now. Ha ha! Anyway, House won't leave the room until he's good and ready. And once he's assigned the Cottages to do more tests on Adam, he is. The Cottages take off, and Cuddy asks to speak with House outside.
Cuddy doesn't want to talk about House's temper tantrum, though. Ali called the Clinic fifteen times today looking for House, which makes her a stalker in Cuddy's mind. House takes offense, saying that Ali might just find him interesting and attractive and not be insane at all. Cuddy says that fifteen phone calls is way too interested and she is notifying security. Yeah, that should do a lot. If PPTH's crack security forces can't do anything about a guy who shoots hospital staff in broad daylight, I doubt they'll do much about some teenager with a crush. House tells her not to because he's having fun. But not sex, he says. "Men are stupid. I'm notifying security," Cuddy says. With that, she thinks she can just walk into her meeting and be free of House, but he stands outside and screams, "You can't stop our love!" The businessmen look uncomfortable. Cuddy looks pained and embarrassed. House observes these reactions with a triumphant smile. I love this show.
Foreman goes to Wilson to try and convince him to do the lung biopsy on Adam instead of him. Wilson walks right into that one and says that they should do a lymph node biopsy instead. We cut to him trying to do a lymph node biopsy on a screaming autistic child, while Foreman probably sits in the gift shop and rubs his hands with autistic-child-avoiding glee. House enters the room and asks if someone can shut the kid up, and everyone reacts to his inappropriateness with your typical "who is this asshole?" glares. House takes a seat and introduces himself to both the parents and Adam, who gets to watch him breathe in the soothing fun gasses of the sedation mask before getting the chance to do it himself. "Out of Vicodin?" Wilson snorts, as if this was an appropriate thing to discuss in front of a patient and his parents. Adam observes House using the mask in Autisto-vision, and calms down and breathes in the mask and conks off. His parents are in awe of House, the Autistic Whisperer. House assures them that he was just employing the old principle of "monkey see, monkey do" in this instance, and their kid has not made any special breakthroughs. A groggy House stumbles around the operating room and breaks stuff.
House is still apparently feeling the effects of the gas later on, while Cameron and Wilson prepare slides of the lymph biopsy. "You have pretty hair," House tells Cameron. Meanwhile, Wilson lectures House on not being sensitive to his patient's parents. Cameron, meanwhile, tries to conceal her glee at House's drugged-up compliment while also thinking about all the hidden meanings a fight over carpeting could have. One thing she most assuredly is not thinking about is the case. House says that the parents should get a dog if they want something that will be happy to see them all the time and react to positive reinforcement and give love back. Cameron doesn't think that it's weird for parents to want their kid to be normal, and House gives her a little social lecture about how middle-class white people like her want everyone else to behave like them. Those who don't are institutionalized, "or worse, pitied." The way House sees it, Adam gets a free pass from acting the way society tells us to with being polite and having conversations with people and not screaming in public. Why are his parents trying to change that? "I don't pity this kid," House says. "I envy him." Yeah, I'll bet autism is so much better than having to say please and thank you. What a great life is in store for autistic people! And they always seem to be having so much fun, too. Wilson says he can't find any cancer in the slides; but more importantly, he isn't finding any lymph cells on the slides, either. There are liver cells where Adam's lymph node is supposed to be. House wonders what Adam's got where his liver should be. I'm going to guess two undescended testes. If it's another liver, then that just gives House one more thing to be jealous of: if House had two livers, he'd be able to do even more Vicodin without having to worry about liver damage!
The Cottages file into Wilson's office. Foreman and Chase take seats, leaving Cameron to sit on a space on Wilson's desk House cleared off just for her. Chase tries not to be jealous. House asks the Cottages how Adam could have liver cells in his armpit: "Think Gray's Anatomy got it all wrong?" He's talking about the book and not the show, I think. But maybe that, too. If so, the answer to his question is yes. House rules, Grey's Anatomy drools! Anyway, liver cells could have gotten into Adam's lymph nodes if the his liver is damaged, and his symptoms could also be explained by a failing liver. Except that all lab tests say that Adam's liver is fine and Adam's been immunized against hepatitis A and B and his lifestyle isn't likely to give him hepatitis C. Unless his dad is having unprotected sex with him, an option Cameron finds unsavory. That leaves them with cirrhosis, although it's also unlikely that a ten-year-old autistic boy would have consumed enough alcohol for that to happen. And Foreman points out that they saw some of Adam's liver when they did the ultrasound on his heart and saw none of the telltale scarring. That leaves the sexual abuse and hepatitis C, something Chase doesn't want to believe since Adam's parents seem so devoted and un-child-molestery. House picks up a toy from Wilson's collection that instructs its holder to "bend over and relax!" I'll bet Wilson uses that toy a lot.
House is halfway into his lecture about how parents of non-autistic children savor their kid's defining moments and accomplishments in life when Wilson walks in, takes one look at what's going on, and turns right around with an annoyed sigh. House finishes that he thinks Adam's parents are drugging him up with alcohol so they don't have to deal with him, giving Adam magical scar-free cirrhosis. He asks for a biopsy to confirm this, ordering them not to pawn the job off on Wilson again, because he'll be busy with Cuddy probably insisting that she give in to House's demands. Chase and Foreman take off, with Cameron bringing up a very slow rear. Before she can say anything to House, he tells her that his parents loved him unconditionally and orders her out.
Meanwhile, Wilson and Cuddy are taking the stairs, where they know House can't reach them, and discussing House. Wilson doesn't think a restraining order against Ali is necessary, but Cuddy says that she doesn't know what to expect from House now that he's ordering her to dig up a bloodstained carpet. Wilson thinks that Cuddy should give House what he wants: "He'll never see it coming." He offers to pay for the re-carpeting himself, but Cuddy ain't having that. Which is good, since Wilson needs to save his cash for all those alimony payments.
Foreman reports to Cuddy's office to find House sitting behind her desk. House asks him for the results of Adam's stool sample, and Foreman tells him it was negative for parasites but contained trace amounts of other minerals, including calcium carbonate. He nervously asks House if they can get out of Cuddy's office before she comes back to find them, but it's too late. She opens the door and a startled Foreman jumps back five feet. But she's too pissed at House to care about him, and indignantly (and with a childish whine-quality) orders him to leave her stuff alone. She starts counting to three before firing House if he doesn't leave her office, but he ignores this and asks Foreman if he thinks that calcium carbonate in Adam's stool is odd. Calcium carbonate is used in anti-diarrhea products. "Think hard poops is significant?" House asks. Boy, I hope not. I don't want to live in a universe where the consistency of shit is important. House turns back to Cuddy and calls her bluff when she won't actually count to three and fire him as promised. Then she gets a phone call and is annoyed when it's for House. But then she's sad because the caller is saying that Adam is being rushed to cardiac ICU.
And so he is. Cameron and Chase work to save Adam's life. His parents watch from outside and look terrified. I'm sorry to say that Adam dies here, as Cameron was supposed to do the one thing that could save his life but didn't because she was too busy thinking about House and that office carpeting. Or not.
House hangs out in Adam's hospital room with Foreman. He plays with Adam's toys (much better than Wilson's) while they wait for Cameron and Chase to come back with news. They do: Adam is stable for now after suffering a first-degree atrioventricular block, and the liver biopsy showed no cirrhosis. And that pleural effusion isn't doing Adam's lungs any favors. House has an idea: the increased levels of calcium carbonate in Adam's stool could be from anti-diarrhea medicine, but they could also be from consuming chalk. But, Foreman points out, chalk is non-toxic. "Forget the chalk," House says. "You just said it was about the chalk," Cameron says because she apparently likes to hear the sound of her own voice, even when it is saying completely stupid things. "Yes, and then I said 'forget the chalk,'" House says, sounding annoyed. Good. He explains that Adam's chalk eating shows that he has pica, which is, to put it simply, a disorder where you eat things that aren't food. Things like chalk. And, possibly, something toxic that has caused all these symptoms. House orders Foreman off to get samples of everything in the house.
As for House, he'll be leaving PPTH via the Fox Galaxy Lot. But there's a visitor to his motorcycle: New Jersey Lolita is sitting on it, although I'm not sure how she knew the motorcycle was his or that he even rode on at all. I mean, I certainly wouldn't have assumed a guy with a cane could ride one. Maybe the fact that it was parked in a handicapped spot gave it away, though. Anyway, House'll need to get a sidecar now, which I fully support. Sidecars rule. House warns Ali that should could get in a lot of trouble now that the hospital security team (doing its usual awesome job and keeping a close eye on House and his possessions) thinks that she's a stalker. Ali says the people who think that are "jus' jellus," and that the age of consent in Iceland is only fourteen. Yeah, that's because there aren't any people there, so they had to make the pool of potential mates as broad as possible. Ali thinks the age of consent is an "arbitrary line" that she wouldn't expect a motorcycle-driving rebel like House to have any problem crossing. He says that it's not just about consent laws -- even at eighteen, Ali would be "more than ten years" House's junior. Ali raises her eyebrows, and House says what he said was true -- he will be over ten years older than her. He didn't say how much over. I wonder if the fact that his mental age is eight makes a difference. Probably not.
Soon Cuddy breezes into the parking lot for no reason other than to catch House with Ali. He asks her for directions to the Icelandic consulate, because it's always smart to give these mentally unbalanced stalkers hope, and she says that security apparently did its job and saw the girl and told Cuddy, who rushed out here to deal with the girl herself instead of calling the police. "Go home," she tells her; "NOW." Ali pouts like the little girl she is, but starts to leave anyway. Cuddy threatens to call the police if Ali comes back. Hopefully, Ali won't have any medical emergencies near PPTH in the near future. She gives House a "flirty" smile and shakes her tushy out of there. House does not get any insight into Adam's condition from looking at her ass this time. He tells Cuddy that he's feeling a "little frisky" and would be willing to take it out on Cuddy, who responds with a surprising "I'm ovulating -- let's go!" House does not take her up on the offer. Damn. On the positive side, though, if what Cuddy said was true, then it means she can't be pregnant, right? Please please please no. House tries to broker a deal with Cuddy: he'll forget about Ali if she gives him his carpet or he'll forget about the carpet if she gives him Ali, but only gets Cuddy's retreating back for an answer.
The day, Foreman goes around Adam's backyard and bags everything.
This time, it really is House playing the PSP. The Cottages enter with news: Foreman found jimson weed in the backyard. I know a lot about jimson weed, thanks to one of my middle school classmate's decision to try it and subsequent hospital visit. We all had to sit in jimson weed lectures for like a week and there were posters lining the hallways telling us how evil and dangerous the stuff was, so we should certainly not take some from the patch growing on school grounds. Anyway, jimson weed is a hallucinogen that could cause all of Adam's symptoms. But Cameron doesn't care about that; she wants to know why House is having them meet in an empty patient room, which she doesn't think will upset Cuddy. Why do you care, Cameron? Just accept that your boss is being a weirdo and move on and do your job like everyone else. House agrees with me: "Why can't you be like all the other age-inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me." And then he asks Chase to continue talking about their case, and Chase says the treatment for a jimson weed overdose could be dangerous for someone with Adam's heart issues, so they'll have to be absolutely sure that jimson weed is the problem. The test for this will take longer than they have, of course, so they'll have to figure it out another way. And Adam certainly won't be telling them anything. Or will he?
House heads for Adam's room to try to use his Autistic Whisperer skills again. He holds up a board with pictures of Adam's backyard on it and affixes a Polaroid of jimson weed to it. He asks Adam if he's ever eaten it. The parents don't think that House will be able to get through to Adam, but House holds up Adam's PSP and says that if he doesn't tell House what he needs to know, it'll be "game over." "Show me what you ate!" House orders. Adam squirms and moans, but lifts his arm and grabs the picture of...the sandbox. Damn. And then one of Adam's eyeballs starts moving around of its own accord and we have another symptom.
The meeting place will be the chapel, which already has a few grief-stricken, higher-power seeking visitors who are none-too-pleased to have their quiet moment of reflection and prayer destroyed by some doctor and his temper tantrum. House puts on a Southern-evangelist preacher accent and asks the group what Adam's new wonky eye could mean. In between apologizing to the exiting parishioners, Chase says that ocular paralysis is consistent with jimson weed. But House says the eye wasn't paralyzed; it was pirouetting. "MS," Cameron guesses, actually talking about the case for the first time this episode. House rejects this with some long-winded Southern preacher impression that Cameron does not enjoy. Foreman guesses they're looking at one of those invisible micro-tumors they're always incorrectly diagnosing patients with. The tumor started in Adam's lungs, then metastasized into his liver and then his brain. House doubts they could have missed three tumors, but Foreman is sure he'll be able to find it now that he knows where to look. That could mean removing Adam's eye, which will make Adam "only half as good at not making eye contact," House says. That shouldn't be funny, but it is.
House munches on some crackers and stares off into space for a while. Cuddy walks up and greets him several times before House acknowledges her presence, apparently trying to act autistic himself just to see what it's like. Cuddy tells him that Ali doesn't love him: she showed up on Cuddy's doorstep last night and came onto her. "She's even more perfect than I thought!" House says. Cuddy really doesn't understand the male mind very well, does she? She says that Ali has a real problem and should be treated instead of indulged. House doesn't believe Cuddy's story, which is good because it was a lie; House discovers this when Cuddy says Ali has a mole on her boob and House says he knows for a fact that she doesn't. Now Cuddy is appalled that House has seen Ali's breasts, but seeing as how the entire Clinic saw them when Foreman walked in the room and exposed them to everyone, I don't see how that makes House so special. Cuddy says that Ali actually came back to PPTH and Cuddy locked her in her office until House could go talk to her and "put an end to this." Or you could just call the police like you said you would, Cuddy. You're the head of the entire hospital; act like it.
House heads into Cuddy's office. Ali is glad to see him, of course. But then House gives her the kiss-off speech to end all kiss-off speeches. He quotes Bogart's lines at the end of Casablanca, going so far as to tell Ali that she belongs with Victor, who is hopefully a member of her class. It's no Touch Evil, but it'll do. Hilariously, Ali quotes Ingrid Bergman's lines even though she doesn't realize she is. "Here's looking at you..." House starts, tipping Ali's chin up to look into her eyes. And when he does, he doesn't like what he sees. So much so that he doesn't finish the quote. He asks Ali if she was in an earthquake during her recent trip to Fresno. She says there was a small one, and House tells her that she's not in love with him: she has a spore in her brain. Enh, same difference. A fungus called Coccidioides immitis lives in California soil, only to be released into the air by those frequent earthquakes and breathed in by anyone stupid enough to live in the evil dangerous hellpit that is California. It causes the milky tears he saw Ali crying as well as those aches and pains and cold-like symptoms both she and her dad were suffering from. It can also cause "loss of inhibition and judgment," i.e. thinking House was a great romantic prospect. House is most displeased to know that Ali's attraction to him was because of a fungus and because he was a fun guy. It's a blow to his tremendous ego. He writes her a prescription and says that she'll "probably" live. Bye, New Jersey Lolita.
House is playing with Adam's slinky. He glances at Adam's chalkboard full of those squiggly lines and jumps up with an idea. He runs into surgery and tells the doctors not to touch Adam's eye. They say there's no danger of that, because they're currently doing an appendectomy and House just ruined the sterile environment. Oops. Hope that patient's appendix doesn't burst and kill him while those doctors are rescrubbing and waiting for the room to be sterilized again!
House finds Adam with his parents and Foreman preparing for the surgery. He tells Foreman to turn the lights off, whips out one of those lights that doctors use to look in your eyes and ears, and shines it in Adam's eye. He tells the group that Adam was telling them what was wrong with him the whole time, but since no one knew how to speak autistic, they couldn't figure it out. Fortunately, House read the title of this episode that kind of gave everything away, which I really wish the episode titles would stop doing, no matter how clever they are. House looks into Adam's eye again and finds the worms he was looking for. Ew. Ew. Ew. Adam was seeing those worms moving around and that's what those squiggly lines were. So how did he get the worms? Well, some animal took a dump in Adam's sandbox, and Adam ate the sand, infecting himself with raccoon roundworms which, conveniently enough, don't show up in stool samples and so were undetectable. Even though they tested the sand, it still didn't show up because the roundworms were not playing in that particular area of the sandbox, I guess. As the Magic Schoolbus Cam helpfully shows us, the worms took a tour around Adam's body, first in the lungs, then the liver, and then the eye. Except that they would have had to attack the eye first since Adam was seeing those squiggly lines before anything else happened. But whatever. The worms are curable and Adam will be fine.
Wilson shows up in Cuddy's office to read her some passage about Asperger's Syndrome. Wilson thinks that House fits the criteria, especially with his new inability to accept the change of carpet in his office. Cuddy says that House doesn't have Asperger's, he has Assholitis. A raging and chronic case of it. And let that be the final word on it and please stop discussing House's possible Asperger's in the forums ad nauseum. But Wilson won't let it drop; he says that House only took this case because he saw himself in the autistic kid. "He doesn't want this. He needs it," Wilson says. The scene ends here, but I'd like to believe that, had it continued, Cuddy would have told Wilson to shut up and stop coming to her just to talk about House and thrown him out of her office so he could actually do his job. Which is oncologist, not psychoanalyst. Although he's equally crappy at both.
House sits and watches as Adam's parents get him ready to leave the hospital. Wilson stops by and says that House wishes he had autism so he wouldn't have to follow society's rules or have any responsibility. He'd be able to date seventeen year-olds, Wilson says. Yeah, because seventeen-year-olds just love those middle-aged men with autism. "At what point does endlessly lecturing someone make him a jerk?" House asks. The answer is about one and a half seasons ago. Thanks for playing!
House watches the family get ready to go and notes that the parents don't look very happy considering their child has been rescued from the brink of death. "They know what they have to go back to," House says. I have a feeling this episode was not written by anyone in the Autism Society of America. They walk up to House and thank him for saving Adam, not sounding very grateful, because autism sucks and having autistic kids is the worst thing that could ever happen to you, apparently. They start to lead Adam away, but he turns and walks up to House. He offers him his PSP. Don't take it, House! Stay loyal to the Nintendo DS! But he does. And in Autisto-vision, Adam looks right into House's eyes for a few seconds. House doesn't even smile at the kid, so that probably won't encourage him to do it again. But Adam's parents, of course, are thrilled. They shouldn't be -- now they'll have to buy him a new PSP, and those things are expensive. But for now, they have the ecstatic reaction that all those parents of normal children have when their kids are saved from the brink of death. And it was a pretty touching moment, even if it was sappy and predictable.
And House gets his bloodstained carpet back from whatever trash dump it was sitting in. As some guy rolls it out, House and Cameron watch. She tells House that not all change is bad. Maybe you'd have a different outlook on things if your leg changed from good to bad, Cameron. Shut up. They share a moment, although I'm not sure why. I'd like it if she changed back to the character she was in Season 2 and spent some time on the backburner while another Cottage got to do some character development. Or maybe Cuddy could actually follow through with something for once and not give into House's temper tantrum and keep the new carpet. Or Wilson could be stricken with a disease that rendered him mute. Those would be good changes.