By Sara M
This show is at its best when it's juggling more than one storyline/case/character arc, and tonight's episode proves it. First up, we've got the Patient of the Week, a devoted fitness trainer whose videos are designed to help fat people get in shape. She keels over during a shoot, and that brings her to PPTH, where the doctors quickly discover that she didn't lose her own excess weight through diet and exercise, but with gastric bypass. Several diagnoses are proven wrong until the patient gets all sad and returns to her fatty ways and eats a slice of chocolate cake, only to suddenly get better. House diagnoses her with hereditary coproporphyria, a disease that requires a high carbohydrate diet to cure. She'll have to reverse her bypass and get fat again. She decides instead to take drugs that will treat her symptoms, even though House was offering her a delicious chocolate cake. Kumar and Taub, meanwhile, have their hands full when Taub finds out that Kumar has started a profitable website selling second opinions from one Dr. Gregory House. Taub agrees to keep it a secret from House for a percentage of his earnings. But then Kumar and Taub run into a not-so-satisfied customer who wants to see her online doctor in person. That can't happen, so they try to treat her in the ER with the help of Cameron and Chase (for a percentage of Kumar's earnings). Then the patient dies. Just kidding! House tricked them into thinking that to get back at Kumar for starting up the site. He allows Kumar to continue it -- for a percentage of his earnings. A big percentage.
Over in the emotions department, Cuddy takes over House's office while hers is being fixed. This causes them to bicker and play revenge games against each other like children until they have A Moment. That abruptly ends when House cops a feel and Cuddy gives up. But when her office is finished, she finds her new desk looks very familiar -- it's her desk from med school, courtesy of House. Aw! But then when she goes to thank him, he's getting friendly with the woman he hired to play Kumar's dead patient, and Cuddy's heart is broken again. No!! And because no episode would be complete without lots of Hadley, we get her Huntington's drug trial experience. She's having trouble hanging out with other Huntington's patients in the waiting room, and it turns out that they remind her of her mother when she was in her final stages. We flashback to Li'l Hadley, who, hilariously, is just as blank and expressionless as the adult Hadley. She never said good-bye to her mother when she went off to a home, and she admits to Foreman it's because she hated her mother and wanted her to die because her mother's illness meant she always got yelled at. And since we didn't get hit over the head with it and Olivia Wilde did a good job with good lines, it worked for me.
The world is looking bright as a woman charges up to the camera and starts promising to make us thinner without gimmicks, crash diets, or drugs. Behind her there's a parade of overweight people jogging their way up the stadium stairs. One guy collapses, and the take is ruined. The world is looking much less bright when House's cameras are filming it, so now all the colors are dull. Sigh. Why does this show hate color so much? The camera crew is pissed at the guy for falling, but the woman is compassionate, making sure he's feeling okay and telling the rest of the workout group to keep running up and down the stairs because they're not doing it for the cameras, they're doing it for themselves. I hope she's paying them an appearance fee too, though. The fallen man takes a quick breather and gets fired up again, and he and the woman make their way up the stairs together, reaching the top and looking like Rocky. A fat Rocky, but still. He's thrilled with himself until the woman suddenly keels over. Of course, she does it with style, rolling down like half the stadium until she's stopped by the camera crew. Did you really think the fat guy was going to be the Patient of the Week? Mais non! We've already done that episode.
House bravely attempts to ride the elevator by himself, but it's no good. Cuddy squeezes her way in just like she squeezed her way into today's cleavage-riffic office wear. She complains that House is getting half the amount of requests as usual for his diagnostic services, so it's slim pickings for his case. She reads off the file on our fitness trainer, who managed to break her ankle in her stadium roll fall. House grabs the file immediately, causing Cuddy to ask why he isn't arguing with her that this case is beneath him. He says there's no point, since they're in an elevator so he can't use his go-to move of running away. Cuddy meanly points out that he can't run away regardless.
They de-elevator on House's floor and continue walking side by side. "Why are we still together?" House asks, very observant. Cuddy has been waiting all morning for him to arrive at work for this moment: she announces that she will be using his office while her office is repaired after its destruction last week. She thinks this is fitting since House was "directly responsible" for her office's current state. House points out that the man who took him, and several others, hostage was slightly more responsible than he was, to which Cuddy says her desk won't fit in his cell. With that, she points House in the direction of "our" outer office (the meeting room), which will be his to use. She gets the room with the stereo, the napping chair, and the giant ball.
House accepts his punishment without further complaint and enters the meeting room, only to find that his daily schedule has been thrown into further upheaval by the lack of Foreman and Hadley, who are off doing the Huntington's trial. Poor House -- he thrives off predictability and everything always being the same, and today it just isn't! How he suffers. House tosses his half-team the new patient file and Kumar asks why Cuddy is in House's office. "Other than throwing off the Feng Shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?" House says. While clever, his retort is inaccurate. It turns out that I have an uncle who is a Feng Shui expert, and he said it's impossible for Cuddy's ass to be big enough to do this. He then added: "it can also be looked at this way: that by having such a large presence in one area of the room, it will throw off that side of the bagua, thereby throwing off the balance in the whole room, which would in turn cause an imbalance in the Feng Shui of the office. For example, if she sat in the Lake area of the bagua, the area of creativity, her big ass could bog down the energy there enough to handicap the imagination, slow down creative thought, and ruin any potential fun. This would jeopardize the well-being of the office, and anyone associated with it. She would feel worse, then start taking it out on others, etc., and it snowballs..." He then expressed how much he's looking forward to seeing me for the holidays. Based on this assessment, I think it's clear that Hadley's been spending too much time in the Lake District.
Besides the Feng Shui, there's another problem with House's office, as Cuddy helpfully points out: "these walls aren't soundproof!" House responds that he knows. This is going to be better than the time Wilson stayed at House's apartment, isn't it? Hee hee hee! House moves onto the case and says that the patient couldn't breathe, but a CT scan has shown that her lungs are fine. Taub guesses she's using steroids, but it's not like she looks like Diamond or Lace from the old school version of American Gladiators, so that's out. But Taub insists that Emmy couldn't have gotten the body she has without cheating. What's his problem? Is he jealous or something? Kumar protests that Emmy's fitness program is all about getting fit without cheating -- through exercise and a proper diet. If that's the case, then it makes no sense to me that it's popular. Everyone knows that the best and only way to really lose weight is exercise and a proper diet. They just like pizza better. Taub asks Kumar how he knows so much about Emmy. Kumar says she has infomercials and he's up late a lot. I like watching infomercials too, Kumar. It's okay. Let's go buy a Magic Bullet personal blender at the As Seen on TV store and make three-second chicken salad together. For being so easily swayed by what he sees on television, Kumar is ordered to run some labs. Oh, wait -- the walls aren't soundproof. Here come the dulcet tones of Cuddy, reminding House that labs have already been run, which he'd know if he actually read her file. House accuses her of back seat "differentialating." If he thinks that's going to get her off his case, he's sorely mistaken, because she comes running into the room with a diagnosis of her very own: Emmy was running in cold weather when she stopped breathing -- could it be exercise induced asthma? That would be one hell of an asthma attack if so! Don't people usually wheeze and feel their airways constricting for a while before they move onto passing out? Doesn't it take a while for the lack of oxygen to render one unconscious? Emmy was fine up until two seconds before she passed out. House rules the diagnosis out because of Emmy's raised BP. With that, he takes his half-team and leaves.
As soon as they're in the hall, it turns out that Cuddy's diagnosis is a good one, as Emmy's BP is perfectly normal. House just didn't want Cuddy to know that she might have gotten one right. He tells Taub and Kumar to try to re-create the conditions Emmy was in when she had her first attack and see if it happens again. Right, because it worked out so well for her the first time.
Meanwhile, the other half of House's team is at the clinical trials. Hadley is forced to wait in the waiting room, where she sees one of her fellow guinea pigs. This woman is much further along in her disease than Hadley is. It's not a pretty sight. Hadley flashes back to her mother when she was in the later stages of the disease. And you know it's Hadley's mother because the girl watching her is perfectly cast as a young Hadley. She looks like her, but she's got Hadley's blank stare down pat. Dadley tends to her mother, and promises Hadley that it will be okay. It won't.
They've decided to put Emmy in a cold weather situation by forcing her to work out in the freaking morgue, with dead bodies all around her. Really? That's the best they could do? That's not creepy for the patient or anything. But Emmy isn't bothered, as the chance to do some hand-pedaling (running on a treadmill is out since her ankle is broken) is a more than welcome one for the fitness freak. Unfortunately, she's also subjected to questioning from Taub, who insists on not believing that she doesn't indulge in unhealthy foods or bad habits. Just because you cheat, Taub, doesn't mean everyone else does. Leave her alone. With Taub distracted, Kumar is left to notice that Emmy isn't looking too good. She says she's fine, but her face turns red and she suddenly passes out. Not only that, but she has no pulse. "This isn't asthma!" Taub says helpfully.
Hadley's doing some motor function tests. But they're boring, so she makes small talk with Foreman at the same time. She asks if there are a lot of people in the trial. Foreman says yes, then tells her to try the test again -- this time without talking. Hadley starts again. Two seconds later: "I shouldn't be here." I'll say! She can't even follow simple instructions. Hadley thinks it's unfair that she only got this spot because she knows the guy running the trial. Foreman says she got the spot because she has Huntington's. Then he makes her do the test again -- without talking. Two and a half seconds later, Hadley is saying that this is a trial for people with symptoms, which she doesn't have. "Shut up," Foreman says. He then reveals that she didn't do so well on the test, which means her nerves have started degenerating. I'll say! The following commands nerve is, like, totally gone. Hadley's reaction to this devastatingly terrible news is a blank stare.
Oh, insult to injury! Not only is Cuddy in House's office, but she's also playing with his giant ball, and doing it badly, clumsily bouncing it on his desk with no rhythm. House enters the office and says they'll have to share the desk. Cuddy says that's fine and starts rearranging the desk accordingly. That wasn't the reaction House was expecting. Taub and Kumar come running into the room to report that Emmy's heart stopped during the test, but they were able to shock it back to life. Kumar says the test didn't set the heart stoppage off, and EKG results were normal. So now they have a patient with lung and heart problems that have nothing to do with her lungs or heart. Kumar guesses a carcinoid tumor. House tells them to find it and get rid of it. He then returns to his showdown with Cuddy.
Taub and Kumar run a CT scan on Emmy. In the booth, Kumar asks plastic surgeon Taub if a leaking breast implant can cause joint pain. Taub says no, but since their patient doesn't have implants or joint pain, he's not sure why the question is being asked. Kumar reveals that he has another patient. In fact, he has a lot of other patients, as he set up an online second opinion clinic. People email him with their symptoms and he emails them back with his opinion. He says he's able to do four or five cases during his lunch hour and earn two thousand dollars. Taub says that must be illegal, but Kumar has done his research. It's only illegal in nine states, and New Jersey isn't one of them. Taub finds it odd that Kumar's never mentioned this before, since he apparently usually fills them in on the most mundane details of his life, like when he renewed his subscription to National Geographic. Oh, Kumar: you're old enough now to buy real porn. You don't have to rely on NatGeo's pictures of topless African tribeswomen. Taub smells a rat, and asks if Kumar would mind if he told House about this. Kumar has to admit that he set up the clinic under House's name. "It's Dr. Gregory House's second opinion clinic with medical advice direct from Dr. Gregory House," he says. That's ballsy. It also explains Cuddy's complaint about House getting only half the cases he usually does. It doesn't explain why Jason the hostage taker didn't use the online second opinion clinic himself. Taub's diagnosis: "you're insane. With two days to live." Kumar doesn't seem to think that House is capable of using the internet, though, and says House will never find out. Taub says he'll tell him -- unless Kumar cuts him in for thirty percent of his profits. "That's blackmail!" Kumar says. "Yessss," Taub responds proudly. Kumar doesn't get a chance to answer before Taub finds something on the CT scan. It's not a tumor, but it is evidence of gastric bypass surgery. Taub was right about Emmy being a cheater all along. I guess he had to be, since he wouldn't stop harping on it.
After the break, House and the half-team are back in his office with a picture of Emmy that was obviously taken before her surgery. Taub shakes his head at her cheating ways, but shouldn't they have done some kind of external scan of Emmy and seen her surgical scar in the first place? I guess it's a very small scar, but what about the skin removal surgeries she would have had to have? Taub says Emmy somehow managed to have her gastric bypass surgery records pulled from her medical file so no one would find out and her DVD sales would stay strong. Meanwhile, Cuddy is trying to talk on the phone and having a hard time with the loud differentialating in the room. She asks them to move the session elsewhere, but House is specifically doing it in this room to annoy her, so he has no intention of leaving. He asks where Foreman and Hadley are, and Taub says the first appointment in the drug trials is an all-day affair.
Kumar starts trying to incorporate the bypass into his diagnosis, but House tells them to ignore the bypass and diagnose Emmy as if she's still fat. Taub doesn't understand why, but House says she may not be fat on the outside anymore, but they don't know about the inside. Kumar takes the hint and says perhaps Emmy had Type 2 diabetes when she was obese, and that's left her with some permanent nerve damage. House says that's stupid -- that kind of nerve damage would have started a long time ago. With that, he turns to Cuddy asks her for his balls. Loudly, and hoping it'll have some effect on whatever business she's trying to conduct on the phone. It does, as Cuddy denies that House is bothering her while looking through her handbag for her cell phone, on which she'll call whoever she's talking to back. She does, telling him or her, "I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back." I think that round goes to Cuddy. Kumar goes for a sleep apnea diagnosis. Emmy had it when she was overweight, and it could have permanently destroyed the musculature of her trachea, causing neurological damage from a lack of oxygen to the brain. Emmy has no symptoms of sleep apnea, such as snoring or fatigue, so House says the diagnosis is wrong. Also, he doesn't want to do the differential in his tiny office now that Cuddy's not in there to piss off.
Where does he go instead? Hadley's clinical trial. Yes, he will pester you even if you have a tragic terminal illness. Hell, he'll pester you because of it. Hadley looks visibly uncomfortable, but House doesn't care. He gives Foreman and Hadley a quick rundown of the case and solicits diagnoses. He won't get one from Foreman, who's annoyed that House would violate the sanctity of this private, closed trial even though Foreman has worked for House long enough that this behavior shouldn't be a surprise. Hadley doesn't miss a beat, suggesting a side effect from the bypass surgery. House tells her to go on, pissing off Kumar, who was shut down for trying to suggest a bypass-related diagnosis just a few minutes ago. Hadley says Emmy could have problems absorbing nutrients and be suffering from low potassium. "Very stupid!" House says. Maybe not, since it's given Kumar an idea. The bypass could have created some nasty-sounded bowel loop that ulcerated during exercise. House orders Kumar and Taub to test Emmy's poop for bacteria to prove this. But ... wouldn't that cause pain? I'm pretty sure that when things ulcerate, they hurt. Foreman angrily says that House didn't need him or Hadley for that diagnosis, but House points out that Hadley's wrong diagnosis was what to Kumar's possibly correct one. Hey, he's just trying to make Hadley feel important and needed. In his own way.
Taub gets to give Emmy the good news about her upcoming stool sample, as well as a big metal bowl for her to put it in. "Put some of what you're full of in here," he says. That's a bit harsh, so Emmy points out that Taub is short, and asks him if he would get a surgery that made him taller if such a thing existed. He says he would, but he wouldn't then turn around and tell the Lollipop Guild that proper diet and exercise will increase their heights. Good point, Taub, although I'm not sure why you feel the need to argue this with your patient. Defensive, Emmy says she's just telling people how to get healthy. Taub points out that the way she's showing them is one that she was unwilling to do herself. True! Emmy says she was willing to do "anything" to get thin, including hormones and crash diets, but they didn't work. She didn't mention proper diet and exercise, though, so I guess she really didn't try everything. Emmy says the surgery made her healthy and happy. Just because you're thin, doesn't mean you're healthy. Taub says he's pretty sure Emmy's happiness comes more from being pretty than anything else. Don't forget all the money she's made as a fitness instructor! Money creates happiness, too!
Cuddy is back in her own office, looking at swatches for the redesign. Wilson stops by because he is always up for some interior decorating. And for some psychoanalyzing. He asks Cuddy why she chose House's office of all places to work. Cuddy defends her decision, saying his office is big and he doesn't use it to see patients like most other doctors do. All he does in there, Cuddy thinks, is bounce a ball against the wall. "That ball saves lives," Wilson says. Then he moves off the script House gave him and tells her to stop pretending that she didn't choose House's office to be closer to House. "Sitting near him and hoping isn't going to get it done," he says, flipping through the swatches. Wilson loves swatches. Cuddy threatens to take over Wilson's office instead, but he cockily says she won't. Cockily ... and perhaps a little bit disappointed?
Kumar and Taub test poop. Kumar says "the boob lady" emailed him again. Now she's suffering from chronic fatigue. She's convinced that her implants are responsible for her health problems. I wouldn't discount it; I saw this special on MTV once where some girl convinced her parents to get her new boobs for her 18th birthday and they gave her lupus. The fake boobs gave her lupus, that is. Not her parents. Although they did, too, indirectly. Taub is convinced that fake boobs can't cause any of The Boob Lady's symptoms, and Kumar agrees. But now The Boob Lady is threatening that if he doesn't figure out what's affecting her health, she'll complain to the licensing board. I'm sure the licensing board will take a woman with fresh fake boobs who consults online doctors very seriously.
The Cottages move out to the hallway for the differential session. It's barely gotten started when Foreman and Hadley are paged back to the clinic trial. No wonder Hadley didn't want to do it -- it's a real time hog. Foreman leaves, reluctantly leaving Hadley behind only after she assures him that she'll come down when she's done with her work. House is thrilled to win this power struggle, and offers Hadley a high-five. She leaves him hanging. Embarrassing! But is it more or less embarrassing than when someone offers you a hand for a low-five and you shake it instead? Anyway, House is a bit deflated after two women show him up, so his metaphor is not at its usual indecipherable best. He says they have to figure out if the problem is in Emmy's power station (brain) or high-tension wires (nerves). He tells them to run some nerve test. I notice that there's a custodial supply closet opposite House's office. This explains how he became such good friends with The Weird Night Janitor.
Taub sets Emmy up for the test, but he's still being mean to her. Seriously, why's he gotta hate so much on the gastric bypass lady? I think gastric bypass is cheating, too, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be mean to someone who had it done. "I learned in med school that you don't actually cure with kindness," is his explanation. Maybe not, but you can apparently get your point across with meanness, as Emmy suddenly says that Taub is right: she is a hypocrite. Taub says he's not interested in her rationalizations, but Emmy persists that if she tells the truth about her bypass then the people who buy her DVDs won't listen to her anymore, and therefore she won't be able to help them. Taub still doesn't care, so Emmy asks him if he can honestly say he's never done something hypocritical. And if he has, he probably had a good reason to do it. Taub immediately softens and says please when he asks her to lift her arm up. Apparently Emmy holds a grudge, though, because she doesn't lift her arm. Either that, or her muscle weakness has spread.
Foreman goes out to the waiting room. Hadley isn't there. She really has commitment issues, doesn't she?
Taub and Kumar share an elevator with a woman with lopsided fake boobs. Taub starts talking about Emmy and possible diagnoses even though all medical personnel are expressly told NEVER to discuss confidential patient information in public places such as elevators. Tsk, tsk, Taub! Kumar isn't listening anyway, because he has a hunch that they're sharing the elevator with The Boob Lady. He asks her where she's going, and she confirms that yes, she's on her way to House's office to talk to him about her joint pain, fatigue, and now, hair loss, all thanks to her fake boobs. That's a lot of information to give to a stranger. With that, the elevator door opens, and House is sitting on a bench outside his office. This won't do at all. Kumar and Taub shove TBL back in the elevator before House can see her, saying that he's gone for the day but they'd be happy to set her up in the ER.
She either said yes or is buried in PPTH's compost pile, because when Taub and Kumar are in the elevator again, she's gone. Taub thinks they can just give her some antibiotics for the staph infection he's sure she got from all her piercings and tattoos. He thinks she'll be fine by the morning. Kumar isn't so sure, but the elevator door opens and they have to report to House, who is now napping on the small bench in a position that has got to hurt his bad leg. He's also using the giant ball as a pillow. Good to see he got her back. Yes, the giant ball is a female. They tell him that Emmy now has muscle weakness and list off some new diagnoses. Kumar also suggests that House stop screwing with Cuddy so she won't booby-trap his office with bad smells, to which House quotes Sean Connery from The Untouchables: "she sends one of yours to the hospital, send of theirs to the morgue." Kumar and Taub aren't sure who House is impersonating (I thought it was Jimmy Stewart the first time I saw the episode) or they haven't seen the movie it's from. But they're about to find out what it means.
House leads them into Cuddy's office and looks for things to destroy. Taub suggests that this might not be a good idea, but House says that when good people do nothing, evil thrives. I hear Hitler started with hydrogen sulfide, so this makes sense. With that, House grabs a sledgehammer and limps into Cuddy's never-before-seen private bathroom. Way to leave the toilet paper hanging down on the floor, Cuddy. Geez. House goes with a new diagnosis of heavy metal toxins and takes a sledgehammer to the toilet. I'll bet that was fun. Revenge taken, he tells the Cottages to get to chelating.
Hadley comes home to find Foreman already there. That's now the second time he's broken into her apartment. "Get out of my house," Hadley says. Foreman says he came to find "proof" that she went back into self-destruct mode and wasn't worth his time anymore. Why not just ask her? Or take the fact that she didn't show up at her appointment as proof enough? Breaking and entering and looking through her stuff seems a little drastic. Anyway, Foreman says he was surprised to see that she was following all of his instructions (which apparently includes taking lots of vitamins and writing a diary) better than any of his other patients. It doesn't make sense. Hadley says she did go to the appointment, as promised, but Foreman was with another patient. She had to wait in the waiting room with another patient -- the woman she saw before who was in the later stages of the disease. Hadley says she already knows what's going to happen to her in "eight to ten" years (probably closer to eight now that the degeneration has started -- hope the drugs and sex were worth it!), so she doesn't need to see it. Foreman says he understands how she feels. He sternly adds that she has to get over it. She either shows up on time tomorrow, or not at all. Damn. He could have given her a couple days to get adjusted. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I totally feel for Hadley here.
Flashback time! Although, were the flashbacks really necessary? We've never gotten them for anyone else on this show. It doesn't seem fair that we see Hadley, Jr. before House, Jr. Anyway, Mother Hadley is leaving, presumably for the hospice. Dadley tells Hadley, Jr. to say good-bye now, or regret it forever. Damn. He could have given her a couple days to get adjusted.
The chelation didn't work, and today's differential is taking place in the stairwell. Some random woman has trouble getting past the crowd of Cottages, but says nothing. She works at PPTH, she knows what House is about, she knows to expect the unexpected. Frankly, she's just happy that she didn't get shot while in his vicinity. Taub asks why they're meeting here, and House has to tell him that their real office has no furniture, thanks to Cuddy. Turns out that she liked that toilet. A lot. Hadley starts to suggest a heart problem, only for House to point out to her and everyone else that her body language (leaning away from Foreman) suggests that she has some kind of problem with him. House doesn't really care to delve into it any more than that, though, and turns to make a vending machine purchase, amazingly with his own money, as Kumar gets a page. He claims it's a personal thing. Taub's pager goes off . He attempts to diagnose Emmy with Guillain-Barré to distract House, but his pager emits a loud, high-pitched sound that's hard to ignore. House doesn't seem to care, though, asking if Taub's wife is paging him and wondering if he's upset that she paged Kumar first. House goes with the Guillain-Barré diagnosis, saying it could have been set off by the bypass surgery. He tells them to treat Emmy with plasmapheresis. Kumar and Taub hit the ground running. Either they love plasmapheresis, or TBL is in trouble.
It's the latter, although I don't know if I'd consider TBL's current condition "trouble." She's singing "Coconut" by Harry Nilsson. Over and over again. Taub, Kumar, and Cameron stand by and watch for a while. Their expressions are kind of amazing. Finally, Kumar speaks up to ask TBL to stop singing. She doesn't. Yeah, I think the good people in the ER already tried that one before paging you, Kumar. Cameron is worried, saying this could be some kind of weird seizure. She urges them to get House. Taub responds to this by yelling at TBL. Cameron patiently explains that yelling at people isn't an effective treatment. Neither, as Taub told us earlier, is kindness. Kumar has decided that TBL is faking this for attention. Fortunately, Cameron is more observant than they are, and notices that TBL's ear is bleeding. That means she's not faking anything. "Get House!" Cameron says.
Taub teleports from TBL's bedside to Emmy's. He tells her about the latest diagnosis, and that her surgery caused it. She finds this ironic and is bummed out, but Taub apparently likes her now and tells her to keep her chin up. Emmy says she'll be wheelchair bound forever, and Taub pulls a Foreman and tells her to get over her very understandable feelings and walk right now. I would've preferred to sit in the wheelchair since when you walk while wearing a hospital robe, everyone can see your ass.
Kumar didn't get House. He got lunch instead. Chase and Cameron sit with him and attempt to do some differentialating. Kumar diagnoses TBL with an aneurysm. Chase diagnoses her with Gotellhouseitis. Cameron tells Kumar it's better to be in trouble with House than to kill a patient, although I don't know about that. Being in trouble with House means you don't have a toilet anymore. I need my toilet. Kumar stubbornly refuses and tries more diagnoses. He finally comes up with a biliary tumor causing paraneoplastic syndrome. Chase admits that it fits the symptoms and volunteers to scan TBL for the tumor since Kumar doesn't have the time to do it himself. Chase isn't doing it out of the kindness of his heart though -- he demands 25% of Kumar's online clinic profits. Cameron looks all impressed at her man, and possibly angry at herself for not thinking of doing the same thing when Kumar and Taub brought TBL to her ER in the first place.
Meanwhile, House has the very complicated blueprints of Cuddy's office. Seriously, it's like three rooms. Did they really need to make a blueprint? House lays them out on Wilson desk, proudly saying he got them by convincing the contractor that he's Cuddy's boss and therefore all office renovation plans have to go through him. The contractor is stupid. Cuddy is the Dean of Medicine. Nothing's higher than that! House proudly points to where he's switched Cuddy's new toilet with a bidet. He's also happy to announce that Cuddy's old toilet was smashed with a sledgehammer. Wilson patiently explains that everything House is doing is just going to keep Cuddy in his office longer, which is probably what he really wants. House rolls up his blueprints, fun over. Wilson tells him to ask Cuddy out and save the hospital some toilet money. Yeah, like PPTH isn't spending enough on toilets without House's help. Those magic toilets that allow you to pee soundlessly must cost a bloody fortune.
Taub has taken his friendly bedside manner to a new level and invited Emmy's loyal clients to visit her. They roll in and say they've been sticking to her diet and exercise plan and not cheating -- unlike Emmy. The guy who fell over in the beginning segment takes a seat on her bed (and on her arm) and says they found out about her bypass, and they are pissed. "You're a self-hating fat person!" the guy says, and clearly this is either a delusion or a nightmare. Soon all the fat people take a seat on Emmy's bed, crushing her under their weight.
It was a hallucination, as Taub tells the rest of the group. They're back in the meeting room, forced to sit (or in the case of House, lie) on the floor. The hallucinations rules out Guillain-Barré. Hadley says it must be something in Emmy's brain, checks her watch, and takes off. She doesn't want to be late for her appointment. House is all bent out of shape that Hadley would choose a possibly life-extending and life-bettering treatment over his little differential session. She tosses off a diagnosis of CNS lymphoma on her way out the door. House keeps yelling after her, but she walks past the office mouthing "I can't hear you." Ha! House is so bummed to be stuck with Kumar and Taub. Even Taub's diagnosis of prion disease doesn't cheer him up. He orders a brain biopsy, but while the wall between the meeting room and the hallway may be soundproof (at least, that's what Hadley would have House believe), the wall between the meeting room and House's office still isn't. We suddenly cut to Cuddy, sitting on the floor because the office, too, has no furniture (did she take the furniture away from both rooms or is this House's response to her taking the furniture away from the meeting room? Either way, it's hilarious), and she refuses to give House permission to do a risky brain biopsy until he's ruled out any other possible diagnoses. Meanwhile, Cuddy's shirt is even more cleavage-riffic than her last one. House orders Taub and Kumar off to test Emmy for the diseases he's sure she doesn't have while he deals with his boss.
"You're stopping me because you have the hots for me," House says. Whaaa? Someone's acknowledging something sort of? I can't believe it! Cuddy steps up to House and says he's the one who has the hots for her. House points out that she moved into his office. Cuddy protests that House has the biggest office, so it was her best choice. And now that it's free of room-cluttering furniture, it's even bigger! I wondered if the Feng Shui was better or worse now, so I asked my uncle again. Here was his response: "The function of the room dictates the type, the amount, and the placement of the furniture in the room. So, if a room intended to be used for an office is void of furniture, not much work can be done. The person in the office would be ineffective. And a room with only files and a phone in it sounds like a storage area, or an archive area. There would probably be a lack of initiative, focus, and eventually a feeling of not being appreciated, which could lead to low self-esteem, and again it goes on..." I think there's something to this Feng Shui! Cuddy totally has low self-esteem. "Why are you dressed like that? Why do you try so hard to get my attention?" House asks. Ooooh, Cuddy's busted. That shirt is undeniable. "Are you screwing with me?" House asks, stepping closer to Cuddy. "Are you screwing with me?" Cuddy asks, stepping closer to House. "Depends on your answer," House says. Lingering stare. "Everybody knows this is going somewhere," Cuddy says. Everybody? The Cottages are totally clueless. Only Wilson knows. Although I guess anyone who happened to walk by House's glass-walled office might also have an inkling. "I think we're supposed to kiss now," Cuddy says. Yes! Hooray! I think! It could go horribly wrong though! "We already did that," House says. And then ... he grabs her boob and says it seemed like the logical step. Oops! Moment: over. "I'm an idiot for being surprised," Cuddy says sadly. She starts to leave, but House holds her back (by her boob). Okay, now's the time to redeem yourself, House! Go for it! Don't be scared! Grow up! "Can you leave these?" he asks. D'oh! Cuddy leaves with her boobs. House stares at the floor.
Hadley's in the waiting room. The woman with the spastic limbs is there, too. Foreman walks out, and Hadley asks if he can change her appointment time so she won't have to see the spastic lady. "Schedule's full," Foreman says. Hadley is stuck with the spastic lady, so she might as well get to know her. I'm all for Foreman teaching Hadley a lesson and helping her confront her demons and everything, but does it have to be all at once? Seems kind of harsh. Hadley flashes back to looking out her bedroom window as her father loaded her mother in the car. He sees her watching and gestures at her to come outside and say good-bye. Nope! Hadley, Jr. is having none of that, her face as blank and snotty as it will be in her adult form. Back in the present, Hadley sucks it up and walks over to help the woman get her arm through her coat sleeve. Um ... that scene made me all emotional and stuff. I hate to admit it, seeing as how I hated on Hadley so hard in last week's recap, but there you go. Something about her story this week resonated with me.
CNS lymphoma has been ruled out for Emmy. Taub says they'll look for other brain tumors . Sounds like fun! Meanwhile, a random extra is walking down the hallway in a bathrobe and slippers, like, someone's a little too comfortable in this hospital. It's not a spa, guy. Emmy is all depressed now and asks if they can stop by the cafeteria for a slice of chocolate cake. Damn straight! If I was being tested for all kinds of brain tumors, I'd want chocolate cake, too! Although maybe not hospital cafeteria chocolate cake. Taub stops the wheelchair and tells Emmy not to give up, but Emmy points out that even if they find out what's wrong with her, the options of what it could be are all pretty bad news for her. Emmy tells Taub to stop lying to her and tell her what they're considering that's worse than a brain tumor. "Prion disease," he answers truthfully. She asks how bad that is. "There are a few treatments, but there's no guarantee. I'm sorry," Taub says. That means it's BAAAD. Huntington's bad. Emmy still wants her cake. Taub wheels her to it.
House has his furniture and his ball back. He's sitting on his side of the desk looking contemplative when Taub walks in looking for Cuddy. He tells House that Emmy doesn't have CNS lymphoma and she's still getting worse, so he thinks they should do the brain biopsy. House has seemingly unrelated question for Taub, asking him how he felt when he was cheating on his wife. Taub says he felt fine "superficially," but was probably miserable deep down. House doubts it. He thinks Taub "gave something away" to make his marriage work. He wants to believe that he got something back in return. So ... is House saying that he'd be giving something away if he decided to have a real relationship with Cuddy? Like what? It's not like he has a parade of women to choose from. It's mostly prostitutes and women in Antarctica. That's not giving up much. And it's getting a lot in return. Taub decides that House is crazy and/or high and decides to go get Cuddy's approval himself, but House stops him. He'll do the biopsy, regardless of Cuddy's demand that they eliminate other diagnoses first. "Cuddy doesn't always get what she wants," House says. No, she really doesn't. She wanted a child and didn't get that. She wants a loving relationship based on mutual respect and admiration, and she's not going to get that, either. Cuddy can't always get what she wants, but if she tries sometimes, she just might find that House will give her what he thinks he needs. House and Taub enter Emmy's room to find her looking healthy and even doing some stretches.
Back in the meeting room, all four Cottages are present when House wonders how a sick person could suddenly get better. "It's called an immune system," Hadley says. Is your immune system curing your Huntington's, Hadley? No! So shut up. House clarifies that sick people who are sick enough to be his patients don't suddenly get better. That's usually because he makes them worse, though. Taub says he gave Emmy an MRI, they had chocolate cake, and then she went to bed. The cake is significant to House, who then snaps at Taub for not telling him about it earlier.
Taub and House enter Emmy's room with a full chocolate cake. House says he's got her cure. She assumes he's joking, because it's a cake. That doesn't even cure the blues, really. I mean, at first you think it does, but then you just feel fat and even sadder than before. "Hereditary coproporphyria," House says, offering her a bite. She turns away, so House has to trouble himself with explaining the situation. Hereditary coproporphyria is a condition where your body doesn't make enough of the enzyme coproporphyrinogen oxidase (House didn't want to bother pronouncing it, but I have looked it up for you!), thereby causing all of Emmy's symptoms. The treatment is a high-carb, high-sugar diet, so when Emmy was eating badly and gaining weight, she was actually treating her disease without knowing it. Now that she's eating right, the symptoms have shown up. They sure took their sweet time to do it! Emmy must have had that surgery years ago to be that thin, have skin that perfect and tight, and have built up a big career as a fitness instructor now. Taub says they'll reverse the bypass and Emmy will eat her former favorite foods again. She'll gain the weight back, but be healthy. House offers her another bite of cake. She rejects it again, and says she'd rather be on a drug that will "manage" her symptoms than be fat and cured. "Not many people have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy," House says. Would she be healthy, though? She won't have the HC, but she'll have all the other stuff that comes with being overweight and eating unhealthy foods. Emmy's pretty much in a lose-lose situation. Might as well pick the option that gives you the most self-esteem.
Taub and Kumar head down to the ER. Taub is upset that Emmy turned out to be a hypocrite after all, since he really believed her that she was all about helping other people, when she's really as superficial as everyone else. How so? If she chose to gain weight then no one would watch her DVDs and she wouldn't be able to help people. Kumar thinks that Taub's plastic surgeon experience should have told him that people are more than willing to risk their lives to look good. With that, he notes that he doesn't hear any more singing. TBL must be better. But when they go to her bed, she's not there. A nurse informs them that TBL went into respiratory arrest and died. Whoops! Do you think she really went into respiratory arrest, or did one of the nurses get sick of the singing and slash her throat?
Cuddy and Wilson head into Cuddy's new office. On the way in, Cuddy informs Wilson that House is a child and incapable of being in a real relationship. She's done with him. And her new office is perfect. Or at least, it will be until she uses the toilet for the first time. Heh heh heh. Wilson compliments her new desk, saying it has a lot of character. That is such a Wilson thing to say about furniture. I'm going to assume it also has drawers that can't be turned upside down. But this isn't the desk Cuddy ordered. Amazed, she says it's her desk from medical school. Her mother put it in storage, but she didn't know Cuddy was re-doing her office, so this isn't from her. So who is it from? Realization dawns on Cuddy's face. House. Wow, I was not expecting that. That was, like, romantic and sensitive and selfless and required thinking about someone else. I guess that cafeteria cake really is magic. Maybe they should give some to Hadley and cure her Huntington's.
Hadley finds Foreman in the doctor's lounge. She tells him that she lied to him about why she didn't want to see the spastic woman. It wasn't about being scared of her future -- it was about being scared of her past. Foreman gets that this is about Hadley's mother, and how hard it was for Hadley to watch her die. Or not. "I wanted her to die," Hadley says, matter-of-fact. Foreman wasn't expecting that. Hadley says her mother yelled at her all the time as her brain was affected by the disease. Hadley was too young to separate the disease from her mother, though, so she hated her for it. "I never said good-bye. And she died with me hating her," she says. Umm ... wow. Sounds like Dadley really didn't do a very good job explaining things to Hadley. I can get her "hating" her mother after being yelled and screamed at like that, but enough to not even say good-bye? Yikes. And why doesn't Hadley hate her mother now more than ever, since her mother "gave" her a terminal illness? Foreman gives Hadley a hug, but since it isn't a time machine, it's not going to be too much help.
Kumar and Taub have come to the morgue to see the truth for themselves. TBL is looking pretty dead. The biliary tumor search came back negative. Kumar doesn't really know what to do. "House is gonna kill us," is all Taub cares about. Dude, a woman DIED because of you! Come on! Then ... "slowly and painfully," House adds. Taub and Kumar spin around to see him in the doorway. They crap their pants. House calls them "fraudulent, idiotic killers." To his credit, Kumar steps forward to take all the blame. House is happy to blame them both, though, since Taub should have told House about TBL while she was still alive. He would have figured out what was wrong with her. In fact, he already has. And it required a very simple treatment to cure her. In fact, House thinks might still be possible to administer. Kumar thinks House has gone all obsessive and gently reminds him that TBL has been dead for some time now and is not coming back no matter what, but House straddles her and starts doing CPR anyway. And lo and behold, TBL gasps for air! Kumar and Taub's reaction to this is pretty awesome. There is screaming, jumping backwards, and Taub trying to either hug Kumar or hide behind him.
Once they've finished crapping their pants again, House informs them that TBL was never dead. In fact, she was never sick. She's wearing dead lady makeup and a big ol' smile as she high-fives House for a job well done. House says the hooker he apparently hired for this job put on a great performance. The CT scan she sent to Kumar was actually from a different patient three years ago. The hair falling out was fake, and Chase and Cameron were playing along this whole time. It's a little bit sitcom, but I don't care. That was fun. Kumar is just relieved that he isn't going to jail for murder, and says he'll take the website down immediately. Not so fast, House says. That website is making lots of money -- just not for Kumar. Chase is getting twenty-five percent, and House is now getting fifty. Kumar will get twenty-five percent after he's paid House back the three grand for hiring TBL for two days. Taub, apparently, gets off scot-free. Except for his pants being crapped in. Twice. The two Cottages take off, and TBL informs House that he's got three hours of time left. "Do I?" he says with a smile.
And so, while "Coconut" plays on the soundtrack, Cuddy de-elevators with a smile on her face and love in her heart. Sigh. This isn't going to go well at all. Damn it. She heads for House's office, only to see him flirting with TBL. The camera lingers on Cuddy's face as her heart breaks for like the fifth time in the last three episodes. She turns around and leaves. House is an idiot. He's given up more not being in a relationship with Cuddy than he would have if he hadn't chickened out and taken the plunge.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com, especially if you're thinking of opening an online recap clinic and putting her name on it.
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