Bobby Hatcher is a hockey goon. That means he beats people up in the middle of a hockey match. As far as I know, this is not a tie-in with the Seann William Scott movie. He contracts a mystery disease and also attracts the enmity of Taub, who thinks hockey would be great without all the fighting. And he hates bullies. As a result, much of the episode revolves around Taub making guesses that thinly veil his contempt. And then House mocks him for it. Eventually, Hatcher turns out to have Epstein-Barr, which caused mononucleosis. And Taub makes a friend.
Meanwhile, Wilson has been losing sleep because a neighbor has a noisy baby. This leads House to present him with a long-lost eleven-year-old son, which eventually freaks Wilson out because he's not ready to raise a child. But it was all a scam in which House hired a professional child actor. So, I guess, never mind?
Oh, and Park moves in with Chase. But there's no sex involved. Instead, Chase ends up playing cribbage with Park's grandmother. Saucy!
Hockey! Skating! Hard hits! Pucks! Sticks! Everyone has their name on the back of their sweaters, so I'll have the patient's name right away! A guy named Wallace is slow to get up. A guy named Hatcher is watching from the penalty box. Out on the ice, he's very polite to the other guy (Szabo), telling him he's got his rookie card. Then the fight! Punch punch punch! Szabo is down! He's not getting up. But it's Hatcher who goes to his knees and coughs up blood even though Szabo didn't lay a hand on him. Get a trainer over here! Hatcher is tonight's contestant.
House is playing one of those "twirl the hockey player on the stick" games, because he always has theme-appropriate toys. Taub used to have one for the Bruins and Habs. He thinks goons cough up blood all the time due to broken ribs and stuff. No, the emergency room obviously checked that. Chase goes straight to sarcoidosis and then he and Taub argue about whether fighting is important. Adams suggests sidicosis related to duck hunting. Taub has to check the stool for blood, which would verify his abdominal tearing theory. Chase and Adams have less humiliating tasks to search for their theories.
In the patient's room, Taub argues with Hatcher about whether fighting is important. Hatcher claims he takes the hits so the smaller guys don't have to. "I thought you'd appreciate that."
House barges into Wilson's office, where Wilson is napping. He didn't get sleep due to a noisy neighbor's baby. House says "Hmm," which Wilson accurately recognizes as the sound of House overanalyzing things. House claims that Wilson is lactating, which is evidence that the sound of the baby is making him miss children. He brings up Beth, the falconer that Wilson dated. When they broke up, Wilson showed up drunk. She called House and asked him to pass on a message that she was pregnant. That was eleven years ago. House claims that he asked Wilson how he'd feel if she was pregnant and Wilson said it would be the worst mistake of his life. Wilson doesn't buy it. I think Wilson should consider just not buying anything House has to say, ever.
With Hatcher in the MRI tube, Park complains to Chase about how she has to live with her grandmother and take care of her. Chase recommends moving out. And shutting up about it. Anyway, Hatcher's spleen is huge, which means that he doesn't have sarcoidosis.
In House's office, Park says leukemia. Taub says it's related to injuries. Go!
Taub attaches stuff to Hatcher, who receives a call from his agent. As Hatcher's dealing with the bad news ("I thought you said 'any day.'"), they discover that Hatcher has developed breasts. That seems like something to do with steroids. Or possibly estrogen, which is sometimes used as a masking agent.
Normally that would be the thing that sends us to commercial, but instead we have another scene with House and Wilson. Wilson called Beth (the falconer). He has an eleven-year-old son. I think the thing that makes this lack drama is that it comes out of absolutely nowhere. And that Wilson hasn't actually been talking about kids the last few episodes. Oh, and I don't care about Wilson's home life.
Liver problems, eh? Park suggests alcoholism. House says she slept in her car because there's a seatbelt buckle imprint in her face. Taub says that it's steroids. Then they all look at the hit. It was ruled illegal, even though Taub thinks it was clean. Adams and Taub are to check the patient for various medical things and Chase and Park are sent to the home to look for booze and steroids. "And Taub's objectivity," adds House. Because Taub is obviously crazy for thinking the guy's hockey career might be relevant. Although every other week, the secret to people's crazy disease is knowing about the flowers they have in their bedroom, this one time, the patient's incredibly violent and dangerous career is definitely irrelevant. Because House says so.
In the hockey locker room, Chase and Park look through stuff. Chase offers to let Park sleep at his place. She finds a prescription for mononucleosis medicine. It's not his - it's for his locker neighbor. She accepts the offer.
House and Wilson are in a toy store. Wilson has a picture of the kid and it apparently looks just like him. Wilson is excited by sand art. House tries to convince Wilson not to do anything about this newfound child. He explains that he told Wilson about the kid just to convince him that he didn't really want a child. Wilson says his son wants to meet him, and it's mutual.
Chase gets home. Park's grandmother is on his couch, knitting. Park is there, too. She explains that the grandmother will be gone in an hour. She's here because her father is getting a cyst removed. Chase comments, "She seems awfully quiet." Park answers, "You haven't seen her drunk.
Taub checks on Hatcher, who's not in his bed. He's sitting on the floor, crying.
The team gathers in the external office. Park doesn't think the crying was a symptom. Taub says it's chronic traumatic encephalopathy, caused by repeated blows to the head. House calls Hatcher a talentless bum. Park announces that she moved into Chase's apartment. "We're not having sex. With each other." House: "Yet." Park: "Yes." Chase: "Yet?" Anyway, the only test for CTE is postmortem. He's only had three concussions, which isn't enough to cause CTE. Well, he might have had more. House decides that Chase isn't trying to sleep with Park; he just feels guilty.
In a diner, a disturbingly polite young man named Duncan is there to meet Wilson. Wilson gives him a present. It's something called a Gamedeck, which Duncan already has. The waitress is impressed with it, though.
Taub tells Hatcher that his psych evaluation says he's happy. Hatcher knows about CTE and doesn't want an MRI. He already has plenty of evidence of head trauma.
Oh, we're back to Wilson. I was hoping we were done with this. They have awkward conversation and Duncan has to leave. Would Wilson like to hang out again? Tonight? He stammers a bit, but the answer is yes. Duncan will text Wilson.
Taub joins Chase in the MRI Scanning Booth. Apparently Chase convinced Hatcher to get the MRI after all, but he says the scan is clean. Taub disagrees and points to what he says is evidence of trauma. But it wasn't Hatcher after all! It was House in the MRI tube, laying a trap for Taub. But then: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! Chase announces that the patient's stroking out. Taub and Chase go to the patient, leaving House in the tube. Oh, the hijinks!
House himself studies Hatcher and announces that he didn't have a stroke, but he also doesn't have CTE. But he's definitely got something. Taub absorbs some abuse from House. Everyone but House leaves so Hatcher can tell him something. When House comes out, Taub suggests neurosyphilis. House tells Taub that Hatcher told him to apologize to Taub or he (Hatcher) would excrete down his (House's) neck. Chase pitches a bunch of medical stuff and House authorizes the treatment.
Cafe. House asks Wilson if he's miserable yet. Wilson says Duncan is polite and a straight-A student. House says he clearly doesn't need Wilson. Wilson insists that Duncan is nice. House says that it's a terrible idea. House accuses him of being jealous.
Wilson's place. They're making pizza. Wilson wants to know about Duncan. "I don't know. I'm a kid." A fair answer. He's willing to admit that he'd like some prosciutto and goat cheese, both things Wilson loves. Later, Wilson drives Duncan home and they talk about parents and Dijon mustard. We also see the product-placement logo of Wilson's car. Duncan gives Wilson a hug and says, "I love you, Dad." Wilson seems affected by some sort of emotion.
Patient's room. Taub tries to make small talk with Hatcher. He asks open-ended questions like, "Do you like it? Is it fun?" Hatcher apparently won a scoring title three years in a row as a kid. And then he started growing. And eventually, the only way he could get ice time was by fighting, not playing hockey. And now he can't feel his arms!
More diagnosis! That last guess was wrong. Chase was up all night, but from nothing more scandalous than playing cribbage with Park's grandmother. Taub points out that the paralysis has moved down from Hatcher's face to his arms, which could be botulism. Not from eating something, but maybe from Botox injections? House says to give him the antitoxin right away without checking to see if it could kill him.
Park and Taub in Hatcher's room. Park thinks it's weird that Chase let her move in to get away from her grandmother and then let her grandmother move in. Taub is skeptical that anyone would want to sleep with Park, which I think is mean. And off-base! Hatcher's finger starts moving. He can feel!
Elevator. Wilson and House talk about the kid. House says the only relationship Wilson hasn't quit on was the one with House. Wilson says that a relationship with a "needy, truculent narcissist" sounds like ideal training for parenthood. House warns Wilson that if screws up, he won't get to run away. It's a huge responsibility. "I know. That's why I'm so excited about it.
Taub plays that stick-hockey game with Hatcher. The best part of Hatcher's day is when he's in the penalty box, because that's when he's safe. He doesn't want to go back to hockey. Taub pauses. "Good for you." And then! BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! Hatcher clutches his chest!
Taub tells House that Hatcher is completely paralyzed and tested negative for botulism. "I am now accepting longshots." Polio? No, because he got a lot of vaccinations while in youth sports. Taub rejects a couple more ideas. And he won't allow his brain to be examined. Then his back gets up and House tells him that Hatcher didn't really tell him to apologize. He wanted Taub off the case, just like Taub thought. "Biopsy his brain."
Wilson and Duncan. Duncan thinks it's dumb that his mother wants to open a sanctuary for wounded birds of prey. In Costa Rica. And he's not going. He wants to move in with Wilson. Wilson stammers that it's all very sudden. Duncan apologizes and puts on the puppy dog eyes for "Please don't send me to the jungle." Wilson says that if it's okay with Duncan's mother, it's okay with him.
House's office. Taub asks him to take him off Hatcher's case. He admits that he hates bullies. But not House, because he's not a bully. (House: "Pretty sure I am, dickwad.") House calls him a "Hebe" and tells him to question every call and play through every whistle. Taub: "I just had a light bulb. Maybe." House: "You can trust light bulbs." He trusts light bulbs because 80% of his diagnoses come via last-minute light bulb moments. Taub barges into the surgery and announces that Hatcher has Epstein-Barr, which gave him mononucleosis. The plasmapheresis was the right treatment for the wrong diagnosis. House tells them that it was his metaphor that solved the case.
House goes to Wilson's office. Wilson gives him the latest. House says he'll only have the kid for six or seven years. Wilson agonizes that he shouldn't have said yes, knowing that he wasn't ready for this. House has a brilliant idea for making all this go away. Wilson mocks this as being a stupid late-term abortion idea. "This is real." Nope. Duncan enters the room. He's a young actor named Wendel. "If you're gonna get pissy, remember it was House's idea." He's got a recurring role on Days of Our Lives. House acts smug and Wilson shouts at them to get out. As they leave, Duncan says, "Chillax, dad." And House asks if he can do an Australian accent. Wilson laughs a little, once he's alone.
Hatcher's room. He tells Taub that he got the call. Three year deal, 2.1 million dollars. And maybe he'll get to be a hockey player occasionally. We see he and Wilson talk, but from outside the room so we can't hear anything.
Elevator. Park tells Chase she's not sleeping with him. He says it's a shame. She decides that Chase was jealous of her and her family. "Maybe you've got too much and I've got too little." "I might sleep with you after all.
Chase and Park's grandmother play cribbage. For money. With every sign of enjoying themselves. Park moves back home. Wilson makes food for himself and House. House explains that the woman he called was someone he met on Facebook. And that no one likes prosciutto.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
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