House TV Show - What Would You Say? - House Photos & Videos, House Reviews & House Recaps | TWoP

Aired 03-05-2007

This was an episode so packed with greatness that they had to abbreviate the opening credits! A piano savant with an IQ of 55 has a variety of things wrong with him, culminating in bleeding into his brain from an unknown source. Also, half of his brain appears to be dead, although it isn't completely dead, since he can still play the piano, which requires both sides of the brain. And he's played by Dave Matthews. College kids circa 2001 cheer wildly. House is initially interested in Dave's case because they can play piano together and make the viewers swoon. Alas, the Cottages hate music, so they quickly distract themselves with House's imminent death from brain cancer, discovered when Cameron opens House's mail and breaks into his apartment. While viewers try to figure out how this show can kill off its titular character within the year, the Cottages look for ways to save, or at least prolong, House's life. House orders the Cottages to work on the real case, but they just keep right on working on House's brain cancer lab stuff, taking time out only to give House heartfelt farewells. Cameron's is a kiss and an attempt to steal his blood. Foreman's is saying "I like you." Chase's is a ten-minute-long hug, and tears. Let's all take a second to laugh at Chase. And then, another second to love his sensitive side. Wilson is kind of offended that House didn't tell him about his cancer, since he's an oncologist and all. And Cuddy hugs House and even allows him to grab some ass, but stops short of letting him into her bedroom. Damn! Damn! Damn! The Cottages' work actually bears fruit, as they discover that House doesn't have brain cancer after all -- he has neurosyphillis that just looks like brain cancer. That's embarrassing. They're thrilled to bits when they tell House the great news. He doesn't share their happiness, since it turns out that the lab stuff didn't come from him at all, but from some random oncology patient at PPTH (who doesn't have cancer after all. Way to diagnose, Wilson and staff!). Yes, House was faking brain cancer just to get into a drug trial that would shoot happy medicine directly into his brain. And he let everyone think he had cancer because he's an asshole. Which is pretty awesome. But also wrong. He doesn't get the happy medicine, but he does learn a very important lesson about friends. As for Dave Matthews, he has some autoimmune problem that's easily cured. What isn't so easy is the choice House presents to Dave's father: they can remove the dead half of Dave's brain, allowing the remaining half to function better and even take over some of the duties that the dead brain half couldn't perform. Dave will be smarter, more capable, and have a better quality of life. The downside is, he won't be able to play music anymore. Or they can keep the dead brain half in, and Dave will be able to play music, but he'll still have the mental ability of a four-year-old. Nothing on this show is ever easy. After a heart-wrenching scene, Dave's dad chooses to remove the dead brain, and Dave Matthews gains the ability to button his shirt.

Well, it's been three weeks, so it's time for a new episode of House! First off, props to whoever thought of the title for this episode, which I believe is a play on the name of that Emma Thompson TV movie about being brave in the face of terminal cancer. They really do a good job with titles on this show. Very clever. (Except for "Who's Your Daddy?") The show begins with a guy trying to button his tuxedo. As he fails, we see that he's played by Dave Matthews. Like many of you, I was nervous that this would be an all-too-common case of stuntcasting gone wrong, but I think they did a good job of keeping Dave Matthews's part easy enough so that if he were terrible, it wouldn't ruin the show. And he wasn't terrible at all, which is hard for me to admit, since I spent the second half of high school and the first half of college surrounded by people who loved his band with the violinist who thought he was such a bad-ass even though he was a violinist. Everyone had the same giant poster of Dave Matthews playing guitar. The image is burned into my brain. Hey, speaking of brains, Dave Matthews's character is a little short on them. His father buttons up for him while Dave says that the talking in the audience is A-flat. Psssh, I think it was a G-sharp. "Look how smart you are," says Dad, sounding a little bit sarcastic. They walk out on stage, where there's a piano and a huge audience waiting for Dave. Dad makes a short speech introducing the crowd to his son, Patrick, who was a normal boy until an accident when he was ten years old left him with "neurological disabilities" and an amazing musical talent. I wonder if people with brain damage feel ripped off that they didn't get a new skill from it like Patrick did.

Patrick sits down to play, and his dad walks off to watch from the wings. Patrick starts, playing a song that I can't identify because I have no class. It's not long before there's trouble: Patrick plays a wrong note. Dad frowns and tells the stage manager that his son has never missed a note before, so something must be wrong. The stage manager doesn't seem to care. Dad runs out as Patrick starts seriously fumbling the notes, and then slams his hands down on the keys. He says that his hand hurts. Dad checks it out, and, indeed, something very bad is happening: Patrick's hand has turned into a CGI effect! Also, his fingers are all bent backward. Either he's double-jointed, or it's time to call House.

By Sara M

And then, credits. Except that now all we get is the show logo and a note. Lame! I hate abbreviated credits (especially for this show, which has such good credits), although I will accept them on two conditions: 1. It means we get more of the episode; and 2. Said episode does not feature a whiny rape victim.

Then Cameron, her hair wet from showering, comes to work to find a paper bag on the table with a note on it that reads: "good morning. Read now. XO Yo-Yo Mama." XO? That's a kiss and a hug! How sweet. Cameron follows the orders and opens a file as Foreman walks in, asking what emergency got them called in so ass-early in the morning. Cameron says that a thirty-five-year-old musical savant has dystonia. Foreman doesn't think dystonia is special enough to wake him up at 5 (and really, nothing is special enough to wake me up at 5), and turns to leave, saying that they can just put Patrick on Clonazepam. Another treatment for dystonia, I read, is botox, which paralyzes the muscles and stops them from contracting. Perhaps Stacy just had a really bad case of dystonia in the face all this time. I feel really bad for making fun of her if that's the case. No I don't! Cameron stops Foreman when she says that Patrick is already on Clonazepam for seizures he's had since the bus accident when he was ten. And then Chase comes in, also sporting freshly-washed hair. Not only that, but sex with Cameron has gotten him a nice haircut and it's looking darker. Good. Chase scoffs at the dystonia patient and tries to leave...

...but he doesn't get far: House is in the doorway, holding coffee. Foreman starts yelling at House that this case isn't worth their time. House waits for someone -- Chase -- to reach for the paper bag before yanking it away with his cane. As he grabs a bagel from the bag, he says that Patrick had no musical ability before the accident. Afterward, he became a savant. "Savantism is just one of those things," says Foreman, like being a piano genius is no big deal. Meanwhile, House has noticed Chase and Cameron's matching wet hair. He asks if they showered together. "No!" they both say way too quickly. House orders a bunch of tests on Patrick.

Foreman checks out Patrick's hand, which is back to normal. When Patrick repeats everything Foreman says, Dad explains that it's a "compensation mechanism" for Patrick, since he knows he's supposed to say something but doesn't know what exactly to say, so he just repeats the last thing he heard. I used that method in school when a teacher called on me and I wasn't paying attention. It usually works. "That's good. Shows he's engaged," says Foreman. Dad smiles proudly. With that Van Dyke beard and those glasses, Kurtwood Smith looks like he belongs in a Tintin comic. I didn't even recognize him until midway through the episode. Foreman asks Patrick to stick his tongue out, sticking his own tongue out first to demonstrate. Instead, Patrick laughs at him and says he has a big tongue. A big tongue, but so few lines to use it on.

By Sara M

Meanwhile, House is stuck on Clinic duty. His patient is a woman who's complaining of leg pain after walking a mile in high heels. I'll bet people don't go to clinics they actually have to pay for with complaints this trivial. House pays no attention to her, since he's busy drawing his own blood. As he does, he tells the patient that her foot pain is a blister from her shoes. The real problem here, he says, is her foul breath, the result of her bulimic puking. As I'm sure you can imagine, he's not very nice about it. In fact, he tells the woman that she looks cute that thin as Foreman grabs House away from the room. But don't worry, Bulimia Lady! When your condition causes heart failure, House will totally go to bat for you.

Outside, Foreman tells House that, after a full battery of neurological tests, Patrick seems fine. House hands the vial of his blood to a nurse and tells her to check its cholesterol and glucose levels. Foreman wants to know why House would do tests like that on a patient with a sore foot. House avoids the subject and says that they'll just have to do some different neurological tests on Patrick using "different equipment." Hmm...the last time they did that, we got some electrocution machine from the nineteenth century.

Fortunately, Patrick just gets a piano in his hospital room, apparently courtesy of the PPTH music room. You know, all hospitals have them, just in case you need to perform a tracheotomy with a flute. Although actually, if I remember correctly, the hospital I used to work at actually did have a random piano sitting in one of the little-used hallways. So I guess it happens. House introduces himself and has Patrick sit to him at the piano. House plays the opening piano part of the Boomtown Rats's "I Don't Like Mondays," and I wonder if that song was written in the script or if Hugh Laurie suggested it. British people love Bob Geldof, better known in America as "that guy on Live Aid I don't recognize." Patrick plays the same section perfectly, much to House's delight. He even provides claps where necessary. I could watch that all day. But no, we can't, because spoilsport Dad interrupts to ask what this has to do with Patrick's medical problems. House isn't so clear on that, but continues with the test. He tells Patrick to close his eyes and guess the combination of notes he's playing. Patrick does this, and now Foreman wants to know what this has to do with anything. Maybe you should question your boss, like, outside, Foreman, and not in front of the patient and his family. Or, if your boss is House, don't question him at all. He's always right. House cryptically says that he won't be discharging Patrick yet. Then he thinks for a second before playing another song. Patrick soon takes over, continuing the song even after House has stopped playing. House looks amazed -- well, amazed for House, anyway. I am, too; I would have thought copying a song and composing an original one were two different things. When Patrick stops playing, House orders an MRI of Patrick's brain, saying, "I wanna see the music." Hasn't he done that before?

And so, Patrick has the misfortune of enduring the MRI of DOOOM! House is disappointed to see normal results on the brain scan. He was hoping to see something that would show them which parts of Patrick's brain made him all good at music and stuff. Foreman says that, for that, they'll need to get a scan of Patrick's brain while he's actually playing an instrument, not just listening to classical music. Well, geez, Foreman, you could've told House that before he went to all the trouble of putting Patrick in the MRI. House asks Patrick to pretend he's playing the piano along with the music. Even though Patrick's supposed to be retarded, he understands this instruction and starts playing some wicked air piano. And lo and behold, the brain scan lights up. House notices that Patrick's heart rate has risen, and without the accompanying response for other parts of Patrick's body that would indicate its being simply an emotional response. House tells them to check out Patrick's heart.

Indeed, Foreman tells Cameron that Patrick had a heart condition that was causing the funky fingers; it wasn't dystonia after all. Cameron doesn't care about this, because she opened House's mail and found plane tickets to Boston. And, she says, there's an opening at Harvard for an infectious-disease doctor. Surely these two things must be related! Foreman doubts it, pointing out that House isn't exactly into furthering his career. But then he remembers that blood sample of House's. "I don't think it was a patient's blood," he says. "Why, it was green?" Cameron snaps. Oh, so Mr. Spock isn't allowed in the PPTH Free Clinic? Bitch. Foreman says that the tests ordered didn't add up for a patient with a foot problem...but they do if House was testing his own blood for a pre-employment screening.

So Cameron Harriet the Spies it over to House's apartment, Chase in tow. Chase is wearing a bright orange trucker hat for no reason. While Cameron looks for House's spare key, Chase complains. Cameron finds the key, and they enter House's lair. Cameron orders Chase to check out House's bedroom, which she knows to be down the hall. "You've been here?" asks Chase. "Where else would the bedroom be?" Cameron says lamely. "Come with?" Chase offers. He says that if he's going to get fired for breaking into his boss's house, he might as well have sex. Cameron's not interested, though.

Foreman fixes whatever was wrong with Patrick's heart. Oh, wait: suddenly, Patrick's heart rate skyrockets. Foreman has to zap it back to life.

Meanwhile, Chase and Cameron are just snooping through House's stuff. Cameron looks through House's yearbook, and I'm surprised that he even has it with him. I left mine at my parents' house. We are even treated to a picture of high-school House, who, Cameron points out, isn't smiling. In fact, he's frowning. It's pretty funny. Too bad we don't get to see any of House's clubs listed under the picture. That would have been cool. I'm guessing he spent some time on the drill team, the way he twirls that cane. Chase finds a Boston phone number on what I'm guessing is House's phone bill. He dials it, and Massachusetts General Hospital answers.

The morning, Cuddy is on the phone with Massachusetts General, yelling at them for trying to steal her employee behind her back. Massachusetts General denies the accusations, sounding hilariously horrified at the prospect of hiring House. Cuddy says that means that House's trip to Massachusetts General is either a social visit...or he's a patient there. A horrified look crosses her face as she realizes that there's no way in hell it's a social visit. The Mass Gen guy says that both he and some doctor named Coopersmith totally hate House, so there's no reason his visit to them would be social in nature. Way to violate patient confidentiality, Mass Gen.

Cuddy's stop is Wilson's office. She asks him about Dr. Coopersmith, and Wilson confirms that Coopersmith is an oncologist specializing in brain cancer. If only Wilson knew as much about cancer as he does about his colleagues. This news makes Cuddy stare sadly out Wilson's window. As for me, since I have to read the forums to moderate them, I had already read the spoilers and knew that House didn't actually have cancer. Since I watched the episode knowing that already, I can't really recap it as if I don't know what's going on. Which is a shame, since I wonder if I would've thought House really did have cancer or known there was no way they'd just give him terminal cancer out of the blue like that. Oh well.

While House impresses us all with his cane-twirling skills, Cuddy and Wilson talk about their friend's certain death of brain cancer. Wilson says it makes sense that House wouldn't show any symptoms and hide his condition from everyone; Wilson's had a lot of patients who have done that. Knowing Wilson, I suspect that's because those patients didn't actually have cancer. Wilson says that a lot of cancer patients don't like to tell people, because then "every conversation" is about it. Yes, well, I can see how brain cancer would be on your mind all the time.

Back in the meeting room, Foreman is telling the Cottages that they got the heart problem diagnosis wrong -- there was no vasoconstriction, which is why Patrick had that heart attack on the table. I guess that's why you shouldn't perform surgery on someone for something you aren't sure he has. House has another idea -- maybe there was a bleed somewhere in the body, and that bleed caused the heart attack and the dystonia, which we've apparently gone back to saying Patrick had. To find the bleed, House recommends shoving scopes into Patrick's orifices.

So now poor Patrick will have a tube shoved down his throat with no sedation or idea what's going on. Dad promises that they're only hurting Patrick to make him better. Strangely, Patrick finds no comfort in that. He refuses to open his mouth when Chase orders him to, even covering his mouth with his hands. A struggle ensues.

And what's Cameron doing during all of this? Certainly not her job! She's running after Wilson on his way out of PPTH. She calls out his name, and Wilson rolls his eyes hilariously. He doesn't slow down, so Cameron has to keep running after him like a puppy chasing its owner. She finally catches up to him and says that Cuddy wouldn't tell her anything about House's Boston trip. Wilson doesn't want to tell her anything either, until she brats that, if House is leaving, she'll have to look for work, so she has a right to know. It's called "two-week notice," Cameron.

House plays the piano and makes the ladies swoon. Wilson shows up, and House says that he's playing a song he wrote in junior high. He could never figure out what came in the song, and it's been bothering him all this time. And then Patrick wrote the rest of it for him. Wilson is forced to listen to the song, and to Patrick's addition, before he's allowed to talk to House about what he really wants to say. He says that he'd be willing to help House switch brains with Patrick, and then House could be the "brilliant pianist" (hee hee, that sounds like "penis") and Patrick would be the guy with brain cancer. Well, that would be mean. House stops playing and shrugs the cancer off as "nothing." Wilson thinks House needs to talk about it. He also wants to see House's medical file, and says that no one else knows about the cancer. Except Cuddy. And all of Boston, apparently. "Cancer isn't 'nothing,'" Wilson finishes. House apologizes for offending Wilson's specialty. Hee. House says that there's nothing for Wilson to do here; he's going to Boston for some treatment, and then "everything will be fine."

With that, Chase walks in with news about Patrick. He says that they found a bleed behind Patrick's kidney, but have no idea what caused it. One thing they didn't find, Chase says pointedly, was cancer. House studies Chase as he goes on to say that Patrick had a grand mal seizure, which was bizarre, since Patrick's on those anti-seizure drugs. Really? If anti-seizure drugs worked all the time, then people with epilepsy wouldn't have such a hard time getting driver's licenses. Anyway, House turns to Wilson and accuses him of telling Chase about the cancer. "No, I didn't," Wilson sighs. "I only told Cameron." And I believe, according to the trailers, that they deleted the scene where he told her not to tell anyone. Wilson confesses his slip with a shamed look on his face, as well he should have. If Cameron knows, everyone knows. She's probably wailing away to the centrifuge about the unfairness of it all while she waits for the Times to return her call.

House makes his way to the meeting room, where Cameron and Foreman are no doubt chatting about their boss's brain cancer. Cameron is also sitting in front of a computer, fresh from posting a bulletin on craigslist about it. "You guys have cleverly deduced that I have cancer," House begins. Except that they didn't, really. Cameron thought House was trying to score a gig at Harvard. Cuddy was the one who figured it out. "You have no right to know. You have no business knowing," says the guy who routinely breaks into people's houses for information they try to conceal. You had no business knowing that Cuddy wore thongs, House. But you do. Turnabout is fair play. A caring Foreman steps forward and says that they want to run blood tests on House to make sure the cancer diagnosis is correct. That's wise -- since House's cancer was diagnosed by a member of PPTH's crack oncology team, it's pretty likely that he doesn't have cancer. He may have some random testicles floating around his lower abdomen as well. House says that they can run all the tests they want AFTER they finish with their actual patient. Chase says that they can't just pretend House is fine when they know he isn't. "You don't know anything," House replies. But it's not like he's trying to tell them that he doesn't have cancer, is he? He changes the subject back to Patrick, asking how a patient on anti-seizure medicine could have a seizure. While Chase and Cameron make sad faces abut the cancer, Foreman pipes up to say that anti-seizure medicines don't prevent seizures -- they manage them. If Patrick still had a grand mal seizure on his medication, then his seizures must be getting worse. Which means that there's something wrong with Patrick's brain. Of course, the only way House knows to figure out what is wrong is to take Patrick off of his seizure medicine so that they can scan his brain and see which areas of it are affected. Cameron protests that all the seizures Patrick will have while unmedicated could give him brain damage. House rightly points out that there's not a whole lot more damaged Patrick's brain can really get.

House is tinkering with some small electric device when Cameron enters his office. He asks her if she's back with Patrick's results. Of course not! She's there for personal shit. But first, she tries to front like she's all unemotional and uncaring, like House is. She hands him a letter of recommendation for him to sign for her, saying that she'll need it for when her boss kicks the bucket and she's out of work. He thanks her for going to the trouble of writing the letter for him, saying that he's sure his thoughts will be "beautifully phrased." Why why why don't we get to see that letter? I'll bet it was something like "Dear Sir, please hire Cameron. She's rilly kewl and super-good at doctor stuff. And sooooo pretty! Love, House. P.S. What do you think about vests?" House signs it blindly, and Cameron thanks him for that, since it saves her the trouble of having to fake his signature. Which is a good thing, since we've seen her version of House's signature, and his name is spelled wrong in it. House warns her to "stay away" from a doctor named Weiss at her new job at Penn; that guy cries and holds his patient's hands when they die. Cameron does, too -- right as she's MURDERING them! Remember Joel Grey, people. Remember. Ah, but House is making a point that someone as newly cold and "nonchalant in the face of cancer" as Cameron wouldn't get along with wussy Weiss. Cameron gives up and goes back to her old sensitive ways. "I thought you'd find it appealing," she says of her attempt to be like House. Great thinking, Cameron. House hates himself. Why would he like another version of it? House stands and asks her if she wants to leave her job. She says she doesn't want to work at PPTH without House, who really is the only person at that place capable of doing his job. Seriously, if he dies of brain cancer, that place is freaking screwed. "I'm not dead yet," says House, and hello! What's the look in Cameron's eye? Is that the look of...love? Because we all know that "I'm not dead yet" is #1 on Cameron's list of effective pick-up lines. Followed closely by "so I'm thinking we should have sex." As the piano swells, Cameron steps closer to House. "What're you doing?" he asks, like he doesn't know. Then she starts stroking his face, possibly feeling for cancer tumors. And then she kisses him. After about one second, House kisses back. And I don't want those two to get together or anything, but it's a pretty hot kiss. There was tongue and everything!

So they do that for a while, and then Cameron's arm slides down to her lab coat pocket. She grabs something from there, and House, never too horny to let his guard down, opens one eye, sees this, and grabs her hand. That ends the kiss, and House pulls Cameron's arm up so we see she's holding a needle. "Little whorish to kiss and stab," he remarks. "You kissed back," Cameron whispers smugly. Well, yeah. You'll find, Cameron, that most men will do that. House coolly says that every woman should know what it's like to kiss him, and I'm sure a good percentage of them agree with him. Cameron says that they just need a "few drops" of House's blood, and I am interested to know how she was planning to extract that from House in mid-kiss. Was she going to stab him with the needle and hope she hit a vein? Because I don't know that you can extract very much blood if you just hit some random spot. "Foreman and Chase's lips are not gonna get so close now that I know your plan," says House, taking the needle away. A cruel blow to deal to the Foreman/House and Chase/House shippers indeed. Now they have another reason to hate Cameron. Cameron says that there's a nurse about to risk his job to steal House's blood from yesterday for them, and I do appreciate that the use of a male pronoun effectively excludes Evil Nurse Brenda from that list. The only time she'd steal a patient's blood is to make the patient have to come back in and repeat the unpleasant blood-drawing process. And I really want to know which PPTH employee would risk his job for House, since it seems widely acknowledged that everyone who works there hates him, up to and including the pharmacist and the janitor. Apparently not wanting this nurse to lose his job for him, House tells Cameron that she can find his lab stuff -- blood, spinal fluid, MRIs, and more -- under the name "Luke N. Laura." You know, that couple on General Hospital who are the most famous soap-opera couple ever even though their relationship started with Luke raping her. It's quite fitting for this show, actually. House freely volunteers to give Cameron a sperm sample as well. She leaves, and House wipes his lips so that he doesn't catch kindness. Anyway, my feelings about the kiss are that it was a clever ruse from Cameron, who figured that House would be expecting her terminal patient-loving ass to make a move on him, and this way she could get his blood and a kiss as well as a good way for the writers to get the Cameron/House kiss out of their systems without its having to lead to any kind of relationship. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, but I don't want to see it again. And I don't know how I can take Cameron's professional abilities seriously when she uses her feminine wiles to seduce the blood out of her boss.

By Sara M

Anyway, the Cottages get to work with House's lab stuff. Foreman looks at a scan of House's brain and says that the tumor is inoperable. House has a year to live.

Meanwhile, Patrick's having uncontrollable seizures. But who cares about him? Certainly not the Cottages, who have been up all night with House's labs. Foreman finds a consent form for the Boston drug trial House is going to, and notes that the drug doesn't treat cancer: it treats depression in terminal patients. You know, this is why we don't have a cure for cancer yet: we're wasting time on making people with cancer happy instead of making people with cancer not have cancer. At this point, House strolls in with Patrick's latest PET scan, which shows that the left side of Patrick's brain is doing a lot more than the right. The Cottages say that they'll be happy to do an angiogram on Patrick's brain after they've finished with House's cancer stuff. Fire them, House! But no, he just says he'll do it himself. And even though he has terminal cancer, they let him. Meanwhile, House should really let them in on his secret that he doesn't have cancer before Patrick's care is compromised. Then again, the Cottages should do their freaking jobs.

While House does the angiogram, he chats with Patrick about how his employees think he's dying. Patrick says that this is sad. House says that he told his Cottages to leave him alone about it, but did they? "Did they?" Patrick repeats. "That was rhetorical," says House. And somehow, Patrick knows what "rhetorical" means. House asks Patrick if he likes his life. "What life?" Patrick asks. The only thing he seems to like is playing the piano.

Meanwhile, the Cottages are calling around trying to get House into clinical trials for his cancer. House comes in and hangs up the phone. Chase tells him that they found a trial at Duke that has extended the lives of 15% of its patients by more than five years. If House is positive for some kind of protein thing, he can be in the trial. House shuts Chase down and says that they found small collections of blood in the right hemisphere of Patrick's brain. There are a bunch of possible reasons for this, but they don't know enough to know where to biopsy to test for them. "Everywhere!" House suggests. The Cottages, of course, say that that's really risky, etc., etc, and House says that Patrick's going to die if they don't do it, so there's nothing to lose. And since the Cottages won't come up with any other options, House says that Patrick is screwed.

By Sara M

Night falls on PPTH. House sits in his office, rapping his cane on the floor and probably pissing off whoever has the misfortune of occupying the office below him. Foreman walks in with an idea: they can do an EEG from inside of Patrick's brain. It's risky, of course, but it will give them a much better picture of what's going on inside Patrick's head than an external EEG can. "Brilliant," says House. Man, he must have cancer, throwing around the compliments like that! He sends Foreman off to do it, but Foreman has more to say: he wants to talk to House about his cancer. House leaves the room. Ha!

We get a nice little music montage of a newly-bald Dave Matthews having holes drilled into his skull while Foreman tells the Dad what's going on so that he can sign the consent form.

Foreman finds House playing the piano in Patrick's room. He has the results from the EEG, but won't give them to House until he gets a chance to discuss personal stuff. So House sits at the piano bench and makes a good little boy face. Foreman starts: "You're an arrogant ass who makes it impossible for anyone to like him. By punching people who don't deserve-- " House cuts him off, asking for the nice part of the speech. "But I like you," Foreman adds. "No, you don't," says House. Foreman just thinks he does now that he knows House is dying. "Shut up!" Foreman snaps. And now that the personal stuff is over, Foreman gives House the results: there were no abnormalities in Patrick's brain, indicating that he has an autoimmune disorder. Which sucks for Patrick, since the immunologist is too busy coming up with clever plans on how to make out with her boss to do her actual job. Also, Foreman says, the right side of Patrick's brain is dead.

After the commercial, House yells at his team that while they were busy with his brain cancer, half of Patrick's brain died. Or did it? Foreman thinks so. House doesn't. He says that Patrick's speech is on the right side of his brain, since Patrick is left-handed. And since Patrick is still speaking, something in his right brain must still be active. Maybe, House says, Patrick's right brain is just "a little dead." Isn't that like being "a little pregnant"? Or maybe it's like having "a little terminal brain cancer." Anyway, there may still be some "random neurons" firing away on the right side of Patrick's brain. "You're just looking for a puzzle to distract you from your own situation," says Cameron, since they apparently couldn't get Robert Sean Leonard in to say his usual line.

By Sara M

While Chase and Cameron are off not doing their jobs, Foreman and House enter Patrick's room. Dad asks what's going on, and Foreman starts to say "I'm sorry," but House interrupts him and rolls out one of those keyboard mat things onto Patrick's bed tray. Foreman tests Patrick's eyesight in each eye and, sure enough, Patrick can't see out of his right eye. Foreman says that this is proof that Patrick's right brain is dead, but House tells him to shut up, all thrilled to have the opportunity to get Foreman back for telling him to shut up before. He tells Patrick to play the piano mat. Patrick does. House tells Foreman that playing music is something both brain hemispheres are involved in. Therefore, some part of Patrick's right brain is still functional. Well, as long as they're doing tests that scientific, I don't see how they can be wrong!

House and Foreman walk down the hall, as House says that his little experiment has shown that Patrick's right brain has always been like this. So it didn't die because the Cottages had better things to do than treat their patient. That also means it's unrelated to whatever Patrick has now. Which means that he's got an autoimmune disorder. Foreman says that's easily treatable. House sends him off to do that. Looks like everything is going to end happily for Patrick, doesn't it?

Chase enters House's office, and House greets him with "Your turn." "Do you have to do that?" Chase asks. House says that he does have to make everyone feel like an asshole for caring about him. "I'm sorry you're dying. I'm gonna hug you," Chase announces. House starts to make a witty retort, but is cut off by Chase's hug. Oh my god, Chase. What are you doing? I'd say this is out of character for you, but all we really know about your character is that you hate fat people. Chase stays in the hug for a while -- even longer than Cameron's kiss, I think -- so House asks him how Patrick's doing. When Chase doesn't answer, House asks him if he's crying. "No," Chase totally sobs. Chase! Ha ha ha! I mean, on one hand, it's sweet that Chase cares so much. It's also a little pathetic, since House punched him in the face and treats him like crap. And on a third hand, I laugh at Chase for crying. What a baby! Hee hee hee. Chase says that Patrick's responding well to the treatment, and that there must be some dust in the air or something, sniffle sniffle sob. House says that he's got more in mind for Patrick. Chase is baffled. They're treating the autoimmune disorder. That's all there is to do, right?

By Sara M

Cuddy is awakened out of bed by the persistent ringing of her doorbell, which is seriously annoying. Even the doorbell that plays "Dixieland" is less annoying than that buzzer. Cuddy checks the peephole, as if she doesn't know who's ringing her doorbell in the middle of the night. Of course, it's House. She lets him in, and he tells her that Patrick has Takayasu syndrome, an autoimmune disease that's most prevalent in Asian women. In fact, 90% of cases are Asian women. Way to get a girly Asian disease, Patrick. Go play with your Tamagotchi. Cuddy says that's managed with steroids, so she's assuming House is here for a different reason. House goes on: Patrick also has seizures, which could stay controlled with the anti-seizure medicine, or could be stopped entirely with a hemispherectomy. That means removing the right half of Patrick's brain. "It would be irresponsible to remove the left," House adds. Maybe, but it would be hilarious! Cuddy doesn't understand how removing half a brain could improve a patient's brain function, so House illustrates his point by saying, much to Cuddy's amusement, that it's like he's the super-hot and charming left side of Patrick's brain, while Cuddy is the old and damaged right side. They go to a bar, and instead of "scoring hot babes," House is stuck wiping drool off of Cuddy's chin. I think a guy going through a mid-life crisis and thinking of leaving his dowdy wife for someone young and fit wrote this episode. Cuddy seems to see House's point, and asks him what Patrick's dad wants to do. House hasn't asked him yet. Cuddy tells him to go do that, but first: "House, I am so sorry," she starts, against her better judgment. "I'm here if you need me." "I need you," House tells Cuddy, with a fake needy expression. Cuddy smiles and hugs him. House grabs her ass: "One small feel for man. One giant ass for mankind." I believe that quote was supposed to be "one small feel for a man," House. Way to screw that one up, Neil Armstrong. And speaking of strong arms, House is still grabbing Cuddy's ass. Because he's dying and stuff, Cuddy just smiles and lets him. "Good luck in Boston," she says, and turns to go back to bed. House tries his luck and follows her. Without even turning around, Cuddy tells him to "call the Make-a-Wish foundation." Ha! The House/Cameron kiss may have been hot, but House/Cuddy have so much chemistry. That being said, I don't want House to end up with either of them. They both deserve better. Yes, even Cameron.

And then they're taking out half of Patrick's brain. Yikes. I don't know what I would have chosen if I were Patrick's dad. A hemispherectomy doesn't seem all that safe. Will the remaining half of Patrick's brain slosh around in his spacious skull now, or do they put some cotton in there? I guess there was no right answer there. But there's no wrong one, either. ["There actually is -- check it out!" -- Wing Chun] Dad waits just out the Operating Room doors (guess he couldn't get tickets for the balcony seats) and agonizes over his decision.

And House is awakened up by a persistent knocking on his door. Ha! See how it feels when you do that to people, House? He opens it to reveal three Cottages grinning maniacally. "You don't have cancer!" Foreman announces. Cameron explains that the tumor was actually a gumma, a growth you can get from syphilis. It's usually in the liver, but it can occur other places, too. "I'm really glad we never slept together," Cameron adds, her euphoria apparently removing her inhibitions. I'm not sure if that's because House is not about to die anymore, or because of the syphilis. Maybe both. House says that they tested for syphilis, and that it was negative. Chase says that they did some other, better, test, and got a positive. Everyone smiles -- even Foreman. Oh, except House. He asks them if they told Mass General about this. "Of course!" says Chase. I'm sure Mass General was thrilled to get a random phone call at 2 in the morning about House's syphilis. "You idiots!" says House. Foreman doesn't understand why House isn't happy about not having brain cancer: "You should be making out with Cameron!" No, he shouldn't, Foreman. Stop that. I love Chase's slightly jealous reaction, though. House tells them that the file wasn't his after all. "You faked cancer?!" Cameron demands. She's shocked. Why is she shocked? Of course he faked cancer! And it's awesome in its incredible wrongness. House says that he took the stuff from a patient at PPTH he thought had brain cancer. Apparently, the patient actually doesn't. He did cheat on his wife, though. On this show, cheating on your wife gives you terminal cancer and then syphilis. Good for the Cottages for helping that guy out, albeit unintentionally. Bad for Wilson for being so bad at his job. Is it really that difficult to diagnose cancer? Really? Well, maybe it is when you spend your time worrying about your friend who treats you like crap instead of doing your job. House explains that he faked cancer to get the "cool drug" from the Mass General trial implanted into his brain. And while I love that House faked cancer and made everyone feel sorry for him, that is kind of a lame reason. "You faked cancer to get high?!" Cameron asks. Chase looks devastated. Foreman frowns. House feels no shame, and says that he's going to bed. "You're right -- I don't like you," Foreman calls out after House. Cameron and Chase can't even speak.

By Sara M

And the Cottages are still hard at work. But not at their actual jobs. Chase has finally isolated the cancer proteins in House's CSF, so they can find out if he'll qualify for the Duke trial. He hands them off to Cameron, who manages to get them into some machine without dropping them or crying. Foreman closes it and starts it up. I'm glad all three of them had a hand in this process. Immediately, Cameron gets the results: House does not have the special protein. No Duke trial for him! Then either Cameron or Chase calls a slide up on the computer. Chase sees something on it "that shouldn't be there." All I see are yellow, black, and red splotches, so I'll have to trust him on that.

Back in the ICU (Impossible Choices U have to make for your brain-damaged son), Dad wakes Patrick up and asks him if he's happy. Patrick just repeats the question. Dad sobs. Amazing job in this scene by Kurtwood Smith. I mean, it's not as good as the acting tour de force that was Robocop, but it's damn close.

By Sara M

The day, House has to answer to Wilson, who asks House how depressed he was to go to such lengths for the trial drug. "I was curious," House replies. "Are you curious about heroin?" Wilson asks with perfect sarcasm and exasperation. "Not since last year's Christmas party!" says House. You mean the one House had by himself? House asks Wilson if they can "not make too much of this." Uh...yeah. Sure. "You made people think you were going to die!" Wilson starts, before House interrupts that he didn't want anyone to find out about the fake cancer. That's why he didn't tell anyone. But they all went snooping around in his private life anyway, and thought they figured it out. He has a point there, although you can't tell me that House didn't relish some of the attention he got when people found out about the cancer -- specifically from Cameron's lips and Cuddy's ass. Hey, wasn't there an episode of Three's Company where everyone thought Jack was dying? And if so, who's the Don Knotts -- Wilson or Chase? To House's surprise, Wilson busts out laughing. He says that the terminal cancer patients who get depressed are usually the ones with no family or friends. That depression drives them to do stuff like marrying Cameron. House, on the other hand, does have friends. He doesn't have cancer. He faked it and pushed away the people who cared about him. "Because they're boring," says House. Wilson says that if House is looking for happiness, he can start by having pizza with a friend before he goes for the drug in his brain. He gives House time to invite Wilson out for pizza, but House totally doesn't, so Wilson leaves.

By Sara M

Later, Patrick is awake. House does a few neurological tests on him. Patrick can't speak, but House says that he will probably regain that ability in time as his remaining brain compensates for the missing stuff. A disappointed and guilty Dad says that Patrick hasn't done anything yet to make him think the surgery was worth it. House starts saying that it'll take time, and then looks over at Patrick and stops. Patrick's fumbling with the buttons on his pajamas. Dad moves to help him, but House stops him with his cane. As they watch, Patrick buttons the shirt up himself. Dad is thrilled. Patrick smiles. "He looks happy," says House, oh so jealous. I don't get why House thinks it's a good idea to cut off a useless part of someone's brain, but won't take off the useless leg that causes him constant pain.

And then it's nighttime. House walks along some random sidewalk. He stops at the window of a bar. Inside, he sees the Cottages sitting in a booth, eating and chatting. Aww! Sometimes I think they all kind of hate each other, so it's nice to see a scene like that. Maybe they've finally bonded in the face of their hatred for their cruel boss. House's first instinct is to turn away, disgusted and bored. But then he stops and probably thinks of Wilson's wise words. And I think he looked right at the camera for the briefest of seconds, all, "Yeah, fine, okay. I give," as he turns to put his hand on the doorknob of the bar to let himself in. We don't get to see how the Cottages greet House, but I'm going to assume that it was with loud jeers and dinner rolls being thrown in his general direction.

House TV Show - What Would You Say? - House Photos &amp; Videos, House Reviews &amp; House Recaps | TWoP

House TV Show - What Would You Say? - House Photos & Videos, House Reviews & House Recaps | TWoP