A funeral home employee comes to PPTH suffering from hallucinations and seizures. PPTH is full of wrongly-killed ghosts for her to see, and she quickly makes friends with the guy 13 killed last week and his dog and House's grandpa. She spends most of her time with her dead mother, though. House and the team suspect at various times mad cow disease, a hereditary thing that killed her mother when she was the same age at the patient, and vasculitis, but their tests come to nothing. Which sucks for them, since they went to all that work digging up a two-year-old corpse to give it a brain biopsy. In the end, Amber the Cutthroat Bitch figures out the patient is actually suffering from ergot poisoning from her untreated all-natural rye bread. Preservatives are your friend, Patient of the Week! Organic food is for sick people! Cutthroat Bitch also comes through with some more evil plotting, sabotaging 13 by making her think POTW is seeing the ghost of the man she killed. Cutthroat Bitch is the best, you guys. So is Weird Beard, whose incredible knowledge gets him fired for being too much like House to be able to contribute a different angle. Boooo! I love you, Weird Beard! Come back to me in a spin-off! Not getting fired is the Mormon, who punches House in the face after House bets Cameron a hundred dollars the Mormon doesn't have it in him. Also not getting fired is Foreman, since no one wants to hire him in the first place. Except for Cuddy, since she'll take anyone. I'm surprised she hasn't hired the patient's dead mother for warm milk service at this point.
We open on a woman with a Ukrainian accent chatting away while she cuts a man's hair. We can assume she's not a hairdresser, since she's doing the haircut in a fairly dark room. Or maybe she is a hairdresser, but she's also blind. Or maybe she's a sighted hairdresser who cuts hair for blind people and figures they won't know if their hair looks good or not, so she might as well save money on the energy bills. Or maybe she's just a cosmetician at a funeral home, since she stands back to admire her work and we see her client is a corpse. She says it's a shame they're going to cremate him, and while I think it's great that Irene is so into her work and all, I don't understand why she's wasting her time giving a guy a haircut when he's going to be cremated. Do they have a viewing before the cremation? I honestly don't know. I don't go to funerals.
Anyway, Irene leaves the nicely coiffed dead guy behind to grab a cup of coffee (which has got to be against some kind of procedure, considering there are states where it's illegal to swear in front of a corpse), but is startled when a man suddenly appears behind her. He won't answer her questions and he has tattoos, so she grabs her scissors (good for bangs and self-defense) and tells him to take her purse and go. But what he really wants is her, and he quickly grabs her and her scissors, which he then uses to cut off the buttons on her shirt. He doesn't say much, but he is a quite the resourceful rapist! Irene manages to break free of him, only to run into the dead guy from before, who is now up and at 'em and apparently doesn't like his haircut, based on the angry glare he shoots Irene. Also, her wannabe rapist has a big ol' hole in the back of his head. You'd think he'd be more concerned about getting that fixed than raping people. Oh, but of course, Irene's attackers aren't actually real. When her boss walks into the room, he finds them both snug in their beds and Irene seizuring all over the floor.
The Numbers still haven't learned to bring a book to work, so they're all sitting around the classroom trying to find entertainment in coins and paper clips as they wait for House to show up. 24 decides to pass the time by fucking with 13, and she acts all concerned and asks how 13 is doing now that she has the last patient's blood all over her hands, as well as that of his dog. 13 says she's fine, but 24 persists, saying she thinks the death was more the guys' fault than it was 13's. Not to mention the fact that House pitted them all against each other in the first place. Good point, 24 -- the patient's death is ultimately House's fault no matter what, and certainly more so in this case. But 13 just says it's entirely her fault, and then the phone rings.
While the Plastic Surgeon uselessly points at the phone and wonders aloud if it's always been in the room, the Random Guy answers it and is quickly instructed by whoever is on the other end to put it on speaker phone. It's House, of course, entertaining himself by playing Charlie to the Numbers' Angels. The game is quickly blown, however, when House directs his Angels to look at their files and there are no files for them to look at. In his office, House grouses that he gave the file to "Bosley" to hand out to the Angels over a half-hour ago. Cameron walks right into the office without knocking and corrects him, saying it was only ten minutes ago and Bosley had to make a bunch of copies. Then she hands House a Frappuccino-type drink, as if that makes up for her rudeness. House protests, saying it has no whipped cream and she promised him one with whipped cream if he took the case. Cameron helps herself to a sip of House's drink and threatens to give Foreman the case instead, but you know, Cameron, if you promised him a mocha Frappuccino with whipped cream, then you should really deliver. And why is your hair blonde now? What the hell? It's been three episodes with no explanation. She must have gotten her hair done at the salon where the guy who shot House twice goes, the Salon of Unexplained Mysteries. Cameron is shocked to hear that Foreman can't take the case, because he has been fired. Also, he's in New York City, so why would they ship a patient all the way over there? Especially since the nearby St. Sebastian's probably has an awesome diagnostic department made of sunshine and rainbows.
Bosley finally enters the room just as House is telling him to move his "ancient ass" -- it's Weird Beard! I love this guy. Never leave, Weird Beard! He enters the room with the files and expertly tosses them to the Numbers. The second-oldest guy in the room wonders why Weird Beard gets to be the Bosley. Kumar says Bosley is the "asexual messenger boy," so it's a sucky role. True -- Bosley was so unimportant that he got replaced between the first and second Charlie's Angels movies and no one cared. While Weird Beard goes over the details of the case -- young woman complaining of cadaver rape hallucinations before having a grand mal seizure, you know, the usual stuff -- the Plastic Surgeon makes a good point that while Bosley was played by the same actor, the actresses playing the Angels came and went.
Over in the ladies' corner, 24 suggests that the normal-appearing temporal scan should get a second look from someone better qualified than the crappy ER doctor (Cameron). "Way to get right back on that horse, 13!" House cheers. "No, that was Amber," 13 clarifies. "Nice try, Cutthroat Bitch!" House replies, never missing a beat. 24 rolls her eyes while House calls that the worst impression of 13 he's ever heard. Meanwhile, 13's impression of Cameron has been very good thus far.
The Plastic Surgeon has the shortest attention span ever, so he's now questioning whether Weird Beard is the fake doctor they all learned about last week. House confirms that he is, so Plastic Surgeon demands that his unqualified ass be fired. Since House loves Weird Beard as much as I do, he presses a few keys on his phone in a hilariously crappy attempt to make it sound like the connection is breaking up, even though (a) they aren't on cell phones, and (b) phones don't make key-tone sounds when breaking up. House calls on the Mormon to contribute, calling him "dark religious nut." Mormon asks to be called by his real name, Cole, but House says he won't bother to remember that. He then sends Cole, Weird Beard, and Kumar ("the other visible minority") off to break into and examine Irene's workplace and home while the white people run tests, as is their burden.
Orders given, House hangs up, only to get lectured by Cameron. I thought I would like her not being a Cottage anymore, but we seem to see even more of her now than we did before, and she's even more annoying than ever, now that she thinks she's one of House's equals. She tells him to stop being a jerk to the religious nut. Since Cameron is there in person, House can't just pretend her signal is breaking up to avoid the conversation, although it would have been funny if he had tried. Especially if that attempt involved playing "Funkytown" on the phone keys. Instead, he offers Cameron a hundred-dollar bet that no matter how hard he pushes Cole, Cole is too much of a wuss (House's word for someone whose religious convictions tell him to turn the other cheek) to fight back. Cameron quickly takes the bet, since she's seen this show before and knows that House is way past due for an ass-kicking. He's also due for a bet-losing. I mean, if Cole's religious convictions wouldn't stop him from drinking alcohol, I doubt they'll be enough to stop him from giving House a well-deserved punch in the face.
Plastic Surgeon and 24 (I'll just call her Cutthroat Bitch from now on. Sorry about the cuss words, Grandma!) prepare the patient for an MRI of DOOOM!!! Meanwhile, someone left the door open, and crazy old foreign women have invaded, one of whom is at Irene's side, comforting and reassuring her. PS and CTB send Irene into the tube while grousing that both Weird Beard and 13 are locks for the fellow positions since they still have jobs despite not being doctors and killing a wheelchair-bound patient and his dog, respectively. CTB says House likes 13 because he can't figure her out and tells PS he should quit and spare her the competition. Meanwhile, this show seriously has, like, twenty executive producers. Their names are still popping up on the screen ten minutes into the show.
Foreman is interviewing for a new job. He has to explain away his résumé first, saying he left PPTH because he hated House and left Mercy because he was fired for saving a patient's life. The interviewer has done some background checking, though, and says he knows Foreman was actually fired for disobeying a direct order. He likes Foreman's credentials otherwise, though, and pretty much says that if Foreman will admit he was wrong to kidnap his patient like that, he'll hire him. Of course, Arrogant Foreman remains silent, and the interviewer says Foreman stayed with House too long. Oddly, it seems that this interviewer doesn't want a patient-kidnapping, order-disobeying prick working at his hospital.
Later on, the break-in crew returns to PPTH with results. Cole tries to relay those to House over the speakerphone, but he is quickly interrupted by House, who orders Weird Beard to tell Cole he's an idiot. Weird Beard doesn't do it well enough, apparently, so House goes into the definition of idiot, including its linguistic origins. Weird Beard says the only potentially important thing they discovered was a funeral-home guest a few years ago who died from what was reported to be pneumonia, but whose symptoms are consistent with Mad Cow disease. Um...I'll admit I don't know much about Mad Cow disease, but it seems to me that pneumonia and Mad Cow disease have a very different set of symptoms. If the guy actually did have Mad Cow disease, his doctor needs to have his license revoked. Cole argues that this is inconsequential, since the home inspection revealed that Irene doesn't eat meat, preferring vegetables and all kinds of organic natural foods that are good for you but taste like ass. House calls Cole an idiot again, then decides that the Mad Cow theory is "cool" and orders the Numbers to follow up on it.
The Random Guy protests, saying they shouldn't do a brain biopsy on a young woman just because there's an extremely slight chance she has something cool like Mad Cow. House says he doesn't want them to do the biopsy on Irene -- he wants them to do it on the dead guy. Eyes bug. Kumar smiles as he realizes that House is asking them to dig the guy up. PS refuses. So does Cole, on the grounds that he has to be home by six. House guesses Cole has to be home to baby-sit his kid, having cleverly deduced the existence of said child by the presence of oatmeal on Cole's pants for the last two days. Either Cole has a young child, or he's a slob who really likes oatmeal. House tells Cole to have one of his wives take care of the kid, to which Cole says he's a single dad. Continuing to care about anything and everything in the room before his actual patient, PS asks Cole where the mom is, like that's any of his business. Cole says he doesn't know, and House starts taunting him. Cole was smart enough to run out of the room as soon as he said the thing about the mom being absent, however, so House's insults are wasted.
CTB swings into the Clinic and introduces herself to Cuddy. As soon as she says she's one of House's fellows, Cuddy gives her an obviously pre-rehearsed and oft-repeated speech about where to go to report sexual harassment, stress-related leaves, and her boss's criminal actions. This is a speech that Cuddy clearly has to give at least three times a day. CTB is only there to kiss up to Cuddy by offering to do some extra Clinic hours. Cuddy asks what CTB's ulterior motive for this is, and CTB says that she knows House hates Clinic duty, and the fact that she's willing to do it could give her an edge in getting hired. But Cuddy sees right through that and says that if CTB is trying to use Clinic duty to get out of doing whatever horrible thing House is trying to make his fellows do tonight, CTB might as well quit her job now. Or, Cuddy could, you know, actually do her job and become an effective administrator.
That's never going to happen, because it would mean the end of the show, so the Numbers (sans Cole and CTB) actually go to the cemetery and start digging. It isn't long before someone is heading their way. Kumar thinks he's a bad-ass and says if it's a cop, they run. If it's just security, they should try to take him. In the end, it's just CTB, arriving three hours late with coffee and donuts. Those idiots go ahead and accept them, not questioning whether CTB put poison in them. CTB's possible murderous intentions aside, who would even have an appetite while digging up a grave? CTB isn't actually doing any digging herself anyway, instead taking the time to get to know 13 better, demanding to know why she's hiding so much and accusing her of having something seriously wrong with her. That, or 13 knows House will be intrigued by her air of mystery and she's keeping it up to get the job. Their conversation is interrupted when Kumar hits something solid and joyfully rips the coffin cover off. We don't get to see the remains of the corpse inside it, but I think we can all assume he has a great haircut.
The morning, Cuddy wants to know why the doctors' lounge is covered in mud. House smoothly explains that CTB and 13 had an argument and the cafeteria was out of Jell-O, even though there is always room for it. Cuddy's not buying that, since she also saw the pickaxes the Numbers stupidly left there. Based on the mud and the tools, Cuddy guesses that either House made his fellows dig up a corpse, or they're building a railroad. When House tells Cuddy they're looking for Mad Cow disease, she's totally fine with the grave-desecrating and tells House to tell her when he gets the results. She asks House how many of the Numbers agreed to dig up a grave, and he proudly answers six out of seven. And no one objected for moral reasons. Hooray!
House walks into the lab, where the Numbers are busily testing old-dead-guy brains. He hands PS a mop and orders him to clean up the doctors' lounge, even though you know it was Kumar who left the place a mess. PS complains, but obeys. The Random Guy says the tests came back negative for Mad Cow disease, which means they did all that digging for nothing, except to give House the valuable information that they will do anything to keep their jobs. House says they'll have to start over again.
Cole and the ladies report to Irene's room to collect blood and stuff. Irene just wants to leave, saying she's probably fine now, as seizures and rape hallucinations are the kind of things that normally resolve themselves. The old foreign lady is still around, and she worries that Irene won't be able to drive herself home, to which Irene says the lady can drive her. At this, the Numbers ask Irene who she's talking to. "My mother," she responds. And then we realize that while Irene and the viewers can see the woman, nobody else can. She's the Ukrainian Bruce Willis!
Back in the classroom, House is kind of annoyed at the Numbers for going through all that grave-robbing trouble and not even noticing that their patient was totally hallucinating. Whatever. I want her illness. I want to hallucinate up my mother when I'm sick and have her sitting by my bed comforting me. Or maybe not, since it turns out that Irene's mother is dead, and has been for the last twenty years. PS says that Irene didn't mention having hallucinations. Well, duh. She doesn't know they aren't real, so why would she report it? The Other Guy reports that all the labs came back fine. Weird Beard proves his worth by saying that while seeing your dead mother is a hallucination, the fact that Irene doesn't realize her mother is dead is a delusion. An old-guy war starts to brew as PS says that carbon monoxide could cause the delusions and Weird Beard counters that Irene has no symptoms of that, and PS's medical school clearly didn't teach him very well. Whereas Weird Beard's medical school is either a hallucination or a delusion.
13 gets back on track by suggesting a family connection. Irene's mother died at the age of twenty-five, which Irene is only one year shy of. Meanwhile, that mother looked pretty damn old for twenty-five. Either life was rough in the Ukraine twenty years ago, or Irene is hallucinating an older version of her mother who never actually existed. That's some sophisticated hallucinating there! Kumar doesn't think they'll have much luck getting the mother's medical records. House agrees. They'll just have to test the patient for every hereditary disease under the sun. In alphabetical order. Let's hope for Irene's sake that she doesn't have ZZTopitis.
The ladies get to deal with the patient, who angrily insists that her mother is not dead and is sitting in the corner of the room right now. CTB persists in upsetting Irene and telling her of her mother's long-ago demise until 13 tells her to leave Irene alone. "Convincing her that her mother's dead isn't going to make her better. Just miserable," 13 says. This gives CTB an opening to ask 13 if she lost her mother. Maybe, or maybe 13 just knows the tiniest thing about human emotions and compassion. You don't have to lose a mom to know that it makes you sad. CTB goes back to torturing Irene, who accuses them of being mean and bad at their jobs. Ghost Mother tells her to be nice, to which Irene says they're doing exactly what "the guy in the wheelchair said they'd do." This gets both of the doctors' attention. 13 asks who Irene's talking about, and she says she's talking about the guy in the wheelchair who's been hanging around the halls complaining about how incompetent everyone at PPTH is. This could literally be anyone PPTH has ever "treated," so Irene narrows it down by adding that 13 also killed the guy's dog. To her credit, 13 remains remarkably composed at this, whereas I totally would have run screaming out of the room. I mean, I don't believe in ghosts, but I might start if I was responsible for someone's recent death.
Meanwhile, Cuddy has asked Foreman out to lunch. She wants to hire him back because he understands and can control House, unlike, you know, Cuddy. House's boss. I have absolutely no faith that Foreman could've stopped House from making the Numbers dig up that guy, but the point is moot anyway, since Foreman doesn't want the job, even after Cuddy offers him more money than he'd get anywhere else. He says he left PPTH for a reason, and that reason is still valid.
House is playing a generic version of Operation when the Numbers report back that all their tests have come back negative so far. So now House is extra-annoyed that not only did they interrupt his fun game, but they did it to report nothing new. CTB helpfully adds that Irene has added a new hallucination to her repertoire -- a man in a wheelchair with a dog and some understandable bitterness. 13 has a perfectly rational explanation for this, figuring that someone on PPTH's unprofessional, HIPAA-disregarding staff talked about Dr. 13 and her touch of death, and Irene just overheard that and incorporated it into her hallucinations. House quickly tires of the patient crap and starts picking on Cole again, this time insulting Cole's child. Even though Weird Beard isn't a real doctor, he remains the only person in the room with an ounce of professionalism and dedication to the patient's welfare, so he steps between the two and suggests that they ask Irene's dead mother how she died. House approves of this, and the crew head out. Except for PS, who refuses to accept that Weird Beard's methods are valid, because he has no medical degree. For this, he gets a subtle flip-off from Weird Beard, who is like the coolest guy ever. I demand a spin-off. I don't care if it's just an hour every week of Weird Beard going over Columbia applications. I'd still watch it.
So House and 13 go to Irene's room and ask to speak to her mom. Unfotunately, Irene is distracted by another man in the room. 13 worries that the man in the wheelchair is back to yell at her for killing him, but this is a new guy. An old guy. Who, Irene points out, looks like House. Dead Mom smiles. I think she's got a crush on the guy. Ghost Love! House humors Irene and says it must be Grandpa House. Grandpa House speaks up and says his name is Walter, which Irene tells House. That shuts him up, and he quickly leaves the room. He's probably afraid that Grandpa House will give him an earful for slurring Grandma House's good name by telling rape patients that she used to make House sleep outside and stuff.
House heads for Wilson's office and makes himself right at home on Wilson's couch. "My patient's talking to my grandpa Walt," he says. I grow uneasy at the prospect that my show is turning into The X-Files, but then House reveals that he doesn't actually have a grandpa named Walter -- he's just pretending that he does and is freaked out that Irene can see him so that she'll think he believes in her powers and let him "talk" to her dead mother. Wilson sits there wishing that his boring old cancer patients could have cool visions. Even with all those joints he rolls for them, they're still no fun at all.
House returns to Irene's room and totally overacts his spookedness, but Irene buys it. She tells him that Grandpa Walt went to get her some warm milk, but Dead Mom is sitting by her bedside. That's a little ballsy of Irene to not only hallucinate other people's grandparents, but to also make them get stuff for her. I'd be kind of mad if someone hallucinated a dead relative and then made him her eternal slave. House asks her if she remembers her mother being sick when Irene was about four years old. Dead Mom protests that she was not in pain, and Irene says her mother used to be tired and would stay in bed all day. Dead Mom suddenly remembers a couple times when she fell and chats about them to her daughter, who tells House about the fun time when her mother fell in the bathroom and got blood everywhere. Then they took her away. House rather kindly says that they took Dead Mom to a place that made her all better, and then she came back to Irene and they all lived happily ever after. House asks Irene if she ever noticed her mother walking strangely. Dead Mom says she thought her stooped posture was from hard work on the farm. Also, she used to get the shakes sometimes, even though she wasn't cold. Damn, Irene remembers a lot from when she was four. But I guess if those were the only memories I had of my mom, I'd hold onto them too.
House has gotten all the information he needs from Irene's fake dead mom. He returns to the classroom and triumphantly tells the Numbers to start the patient on L-dopa and bromocriptine -- Irene has Parkinson's, as did her mother. Parkinson's makes you hallucinate dead people now? Really? As if Michael J. Fox and his fellow sufferers didn't have enough to deal with. Geez.
Cameron the shit-stirrer approaches Cole in the hall and asks him how House is treating him. She says word around PPTH is that House has been treating him extra-special crappy. If I were Cole, I'd be a little concerned about the fact that in this giant hospital with all these employees, the office gossip is me and how my boss treats me. That grapevine's got one hell of a focus. But Cole shrugs it off, figuring House is like this to everyone. Cameron tells Cole to take a stand against House, saying House will respect Cole for it. Also, Cameron wants to win that hundred bucks. Baby needs a new pair of shoes.
Kumar the Butcher is stabbing away at a screaming, squirming Irene, trying to force an IV line into her arm. Finally, 13 steps in to put the line in herself, ordering Kumar to hold Irene down. Kumar grins and jumps on top of the patient. He's a weirdo. Or maybe he's only smiling in Irene's hallucinations, since we then see 13 grinning as she plunges a huge needle into her arm.
Irene wakes up to find 13 hovering over her, reassuring her that she was just having a nightmare. Maybe, but Irene's arm pain was very real, as is the blood pouring out of holes in it. 13's kind of a bitch, stabbing Irene so hard in her dream that the marks stayed when she woke up.
The Numbers are in the conference room now. CTB tells us that lesions are not a symptom of Parkinson's, so that's out. Time to start over again! Weird Beard continues to endear himself to me when he suggests vasculitis, the original lupus. It's not vasculitis, of course, but the suggestion starts off another pissing match between Weird Beard and PS when PS says vasculitis is a ridiculous conclusion to reach based on Irene's symptoms, and Weird Beard clearly sucks as a doctor, and Weird Beard countering that retinal vasculitis fits Irene's symptoms. Weird Beard even has a metaphor to back his diagnosis up. As for PS, he thinks Irene has acute intermittent porphyria, which we all know is wrong since someone on this show has had it before. Weird Beard says that while that is also a possible diagnosis, the treatment for AIP could kill Irene's kidneys if they're wrong. The treatment for vasculitis, on the other hand, is much safer if they're wrong, which is good, since they almost always are. House agrees, and sends them off to treat Irene for vasculitis while they test her for AIP. He tells Cole to check his email for some humiliation action, because why have your fellows doing things to save a patient's life when they could be looking at embarrassing emails?
Cameron finds House in the cafeteria, and he tells her that he's expecting to win that bet based on Cole's cheek-turning thus far. Cameron steals an apple and says she thinks Cole is a decent, smart guy. Who cares what Cameron thinks of other people? I sure don't. Nor do I care about other people think of Cameron. House says she's becoming so invested in his fellow-hiring because she misses working for him. Plus, the ER has no patients today. Seriously, doesn't Cameron have work to do? House tells the cafeteria register woman to charge Cameron for his meal and run-limps away.
And Foreman goes through another interview. This doctor says he met House at a conference a few years ago, and I can't believe House actually went to a conference. Cuddy must have tricked him and said there were naked girls there or something. Foreman and the interviewer agree that House is awesome at doctor stuff, and then the interviewer asks Foreman why his stint at Mercy was so short. At this point, I think Foreman should just take the Mercy job off of his résumé and call it a day. But this time, the interviewer actually agrees with what Foreman did, saying NYCuddy has a stick up her ass. At the very least, she has a big mouth, telling anyone and everyone in the medical community about the time when that guy who worked for her disobeyed her orders. If I were her, I'd want to keep quiet the fact that my decision would have killed a woman if my underling hadn't taken it upon himself to disobey me. Oh well. Just when things are looking good for Foreman and his job prospects, the interviewer says he wishes he had Foreman's balls, because then he'd be able to convince the board to hire Foreman. But since he doesn't, he can't hire Foreman.
The ladies are again put together to treat Irene. She's hooked up to some test that will see if her eyes are sending the correct electrical signals to her brain. CTB mutters that the outcome of this test could show that an old man without a medical degree knows more than they do, a fact that I'm sure is very reassuring to Irene. In fact, Irene tells her Dead Mom she doesn't trust her doctors since they killed that dog and all. Irene really needs to get over the dead dog. Bad things happen and people make mistakes, Irene. It doesn't mean they're bad doctors. Except for Foreman, who turned a bra infection into a terminal disease. 13 has to step away, and CTB tries to conceal her joy as she asks her if she's freaking out. CTB says she'd be freaking out if the ghost of the man she killed were wandering around. When 13 finds a dog collar, CTB says she'd really be freaking out now. So much so that she'd run away and quit her job, CTB? And it was only now that I realized that CTB set this all up to fuck with 13. CTB, you are a mad genius. Before 13 can freak out, though, Irene complains she's getting sicker. And then she barfs blood.
Chase finally gets to appear in the episode as he tends to Irene's internal bleeding along with Cole. Cole takes advantage of the alone time with a former Cottage to ask Chase for advice, but Chase isn't very forthcoming. He just says he put up with House's crap and it worked fine for him. Except for when he got punched in the face. And then fired. But, Chase says, House fires everyone eventually, whether they're spineless or not. Unless you kill your patients, in which case you get to keep your job, or even quit it and move onto heading up your own diagnostic department. Cole mentions Cameron, and Chase quickly shushes him, pointing out that House is watching them from the OR balcony. I'm thinking Chase knows about House and Cameron's bet and is making sure House doesn't disqualify Cameron for cheating. When House realizes he's been spotted, he tells them to stop chatting and start fixing Irene's internal bleeding. Chase finds that the blood is coming from Irene's liver, which is necrotic. That's bad news. "She's dying from the inside out," Chase says, and everyone takes a second to look concerned before the break.
When we return, they're all back in the conference room and PS is telling them that Irene's new symptoms of enlarged spleen and liver failure are classic AIP, which means he's right and the fake doctor was wrong, nyah nyah nyah. Weird Beard and PS get into it, much to the amusement of CTB and House, who has to break them up eventually. He says their fighting, while born out of no concern for the patient, is still productive. CTB quickly takes this opportunity to suck up by announcing that she hates 13, which is awesome. House says her hatred doesn't help with the diagnosing, and 13 smirks as if she won something. Meanwhile, she's sitting there with a bunch of books around her to conceal her paper from the rest of the class like she's seven.
Weird Beard finally gives an inch and says that while Irene may not have vasculitis, she definitely has something vascular, and that's what's cutting off the blood supply to her liver and spleen. House agrees and sends them off to do a visceral angiogram. PS stands up and says House must be feeding Weird Beard ideas to embarrass them. House says if he wanted to embarrass them, he'd make them mop up the doctors' lounge. I'm not even sure what expression is on PS's face, but it's awesome.
Cole and the Random Guy do the test while Dead Mom sits in the corner and prays. It's so cool of her to be around hoping for the best, even when the person who is actually hallucinating her is unconscious. Cole takes time out of the test to pray over Irene when he sees that she's wearing a cross necklace. I guess the crack PPTH ER admission team didn't remove all of her personal effects like they're supposed to. Probably because the admitting doctor was too busy stealing apples and making bets to care. I hope Cole drank some mouthwash before he started the praying, since he gets really close to Irene's face. Too close, as it turns out, as Irene wakes up and snakes her hand over towards Cole's crotch area. She makes contact and he jumps away while Random Guy runs forward, hoping to get in on the crotch-grabbing action. But Irene only has eyes for Cole, screaming that she needs to "touch it." Dead Mom looks a little shocked to see this side of her daughter. Gross, Irene. I would at least have had the decency to hallucinate my hallucination mom out of the room before making a move on my doctor.
The Numbers report back to House and say they couldn't finish the angiogram, because Irene started groping Cole. House expresses his annoyance about the fact that Cole wouldn't get to second base in order to finish the test. In keeping with his annoying tendency to correct the tiniest detail and belief in his own super-coolness, Kumar corrects House that it was actually third base. Random Guy says they ended up having to sedate Irene (after it became clear that she wouldn't reach out and touch him). They know now that it isn't a vascular thing, but they don't know what to do . House wonders what Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon religion, would do, because if he's going to lose his patient, he can at least win a hundred bucks. Cole tries to walk away from House, but House corners him in the office and badgers him with insults about religion in general (citing its tendency to accuse 'shrooming teens of being witches and giving them the death sentence for it) and then Joseph Smith specifically. When he says that Joseph Smith was a "horny fraud," he's finally pushed the right button. Cole spins around and punches House in the face. House goes flying back into some file cabinets while PS, Weird Beard, and Kumar restrain Cole and the ladies gasp. 13 in horror, and CTB most likely in pleasure at the sight of more competition biting the dust. Cole quickly regains his self-control and sighs sadly, knowing his loss of temper just cost him a job. Although, why would you want a job with a guy who treats you so badly in the first place? Meanwhile, House looks just as sad as he sees a hundred dollar bill go flying into the undeserving hands of Cameron.
CTB takes a second out of rejoicing to do her job and suddenly says she knows what's wrong with Irene. House and his bloody lip wish she had said that about ten seconds ago. But CTB only got the idea when House mentioned those teenage witches and their mushrooms. There are other things in nature that made people hallucinate a long time ago, such as jimson weed, belladonna, mandrake root, and moldy bread. These are all things people should have known better than to put in their mouths, but, whatever, Colonial Times. Anyway, the moldy bread (moldy due to the colonial times not having the awesome preservatives our breads are chock-full of these days) can cause ergot poisoning, which causes the hallucinations. Cole catches CTB's drift and says that unprocessed, organic rye bread like Irene was eating is a breeding ground for that. Too bad no one, including Irene, noticed that her bread was all moldy sooner. CTB continues that the bromocriptine they gave her just made Irene's symptoms worse, as it's an ergot derivative. This also explains why Irene was so into warm milk -- dairy naturally counteracts the effects of ergot poisoning, and the human body is kind of awesome in the way it's evolved to make you crave the things it needs. Unless of course, you live in colonial times before pasteurization was invented, in which case dairy could mean some very bad times for you while you were apparently wandering around eating whatever random weeds you could pull out of the ground. House takes a quick second to call Cole a hypocrite for agreeing with CTB's theory, since part of it is based on the human evolution theory religious people hate so much. Then he heads off to cure Irene.
The ladies get to team up once again to explain things to Irene and her Dead Mom. I have to wonder what kind of awkward conversation those two had when they were in the hall heading for Irene's room, what with CTB's revelation that she hates 13 and all. They tell Irene that the ergot in her bread is the same stuff used to make LSD, and Irene asks if she's been tripping this whole time. She sure has, and I hope she doesn't remember the part where she grabbed Cole's package, because that would be kind of embarrassing. Irene pauses, and some sad Ukrainian music starts to play, and we kind of already know what's coming. She looks at her Dead Mom, realizing that she isn't real. Dead Mom confirms this. She's a very self-aware hallucination. 13 says she's sorry, but yes, Irene's mom is still dead. I'm sure Kumar would be happy to dig her up for Irene, but she won't be very good company like the Hallucination Mom was. CTB looks on the bright side and says the fact that Irene accepts that her Dead Mom isn't real means the ergot poisoning treatment is already starting to work. "You'll live," Dead Mom says comfortingly. Irene nods sadly. I totally started to cry. Goddamn this show and its mother-related heart-string tugging! You'd have to have a heart made of stone not to cry during this. And you'll notice that CTB's eyes remain completely dry the whole time. Dead Mom takes off her gold cross necklace and puts it around Irene's neck, where it combines with the already existing cross necklace to form one super-reality-crossing necklace. "I'm going to miss you," Irene sobs. I guess if she ever really, really misses her mom, she can buy some more of that poison bread. I just want this scene to end so I can wipe my tears away already. Irene clutches her necklace and finds some comfort in it. 13 watches her. CTB probably pities her and her human emotions. When Irene looks back towards her mom, she's gone. Crying always gives me a headache.
Fortunately, House returns in the scene for some much-needed merriment. He enters the classroom with six pink flowers. He calls them flowers, but Kumar corrects him that they're peonies. Kumar knows his flowers, because he sees a lot of them during his nightly grave-robbing hobby. House says one of them will not be getting a flower. It's like The Bachelor, except entertaining. House first addresses Cole, saying he's surprised to even see him there. Who punches his boss and then expects to still have a job? "Give a flower and shut up," Cole says. I need to start talking to my boss like that. It's raise time, and I think this is the way to get what I deserve. House gives Cole his flower, then scans the room to build suspense. His gaze lands on CTB, who can't believe she's getting the axe after being the one who figured out what was wrong with Irene. 13 adds that CTB also planted a dog collar in the procedure room to fuck with her head, as if that would be grounds for dismissal at PPTH. CTB is stammering out a denial when House hands her a flower. Now it's 13's turn to be indignant, but House says he admired CTB's colleague-sabotaging technique, although she "over-reached" with the dog collar at the end. "She owned you," House tells 13. I would say she PWNED 13, even. House tells CTB not to violate the rules of ghosthood by leaving physical objects lying around time, and she nods solemnly at this sage advice.
13 figures she must be the fired one, but no. House hands her a flower, and she smirks. Yuck. 13 and Cole touch their flowers together in triumph. House tosses two more flowers at Kumar and the Random Guy, leaving just one flower left. PS sighs in defeat, assuming he's the one going home. But no -- House looks at Weird Beard and says "I'm sorry, Henry." Oh my god, this is even sadder than the Dead Mom scene! Not Henry! Not my Weird Beard! NOOOOOO! WHYYYYYY? PS asks House this same question, although not quite as dramatically. Weird Beard already knows the answer, saying it was because he and House were so in tune that he has to go: House doesn't need someone to tell him what he was already thinking. PS sniffs his flower that he totally doesn't deserve. House extends an actual offer of friendship, telling Henry if he ever wants to "hang out" -- "call Wilson," Weird Beard finishes. House smiles. Weird Beard had better be walking out that classroom door and into a SPIN-OFF.
And then we have to go see Cameron. She finds House on his way out of PPTH and says he can pay in cash. He can't really deny that she won, either, with that bloody lip of his. He pays up and unwisely further engages her in conversation by asking which Number she'll be protecting . She says if she told him, it "wouldn't work." What wouldn't work? Cameron? Cause I haven't seen her in the ER lately.
The episode isn't over yet, as Cuddy gets a late-night visitor: Foreman. He says he thought about her offer and has decided to accept it, providing he gets the raise she promised PLUS an additional five percent, his own office, and a personal assistant. Cuddy says those demands are reasonable, and she will be giving him none of them. OH SNAP! "You can come back at your original salary," she says. Foreman doesn't get it. Cuddy says Foreman didn't rethink anything -- he realized he can't get a job anywhere else. He needs PPTH a lot more than PPTH needs him. "You're House Lite now," Cuddy breaks it down; "the only administrator that will touch you is the one who hired House Classic." Yeah, that's a great idea, Cuddy. Now instead of having one House to deal with, you have one and a half. Genius! Cuddy says she'll be nice enough to "pretend" she isn't doing him a favor. Foreman says he'll start Monday. Oh, great. That means House will only be hiring two of the Numbers now, right? Sigh. I guess there's nowhere else for Foreman to go, but I would have been happy if he spent the rest of the series looking for another job. Every week, he interviews at a different place that ultimately rejects him for a different reason. That would have been fun. Now we just get to watch get shit on by House some more.