What is it, close to a month we’ve gone without eliminating someone? I can’t even remember a time we didn’t have five contestants. People traversed the Oregon Trail in less time than it has taken to cut one of the five remaining contestants.
But it appears we’ve finally made it. This is the night.
Ramsay dismisses the chefs after their successful dinner service. Mary’s pissed because Susan and Cyndi said she’s the weakest chef, considering how far she has come. Cyndi correctly points out that "Most Improved" doesn’t count for anything. She yells and screams, and it’s like an angry chipmunk is loose in the dorms.
The day, Ramsay tells the chefs that he’s prepared a gourmet dish of a food that’s making its way into more and more five-star restaurants lately, an inspirational American dish. A waiter brings out a covered platter and Ramsay makes the cheftestants guess what it is. Pork shank? Sweetbreads? Kidneys, liver? It turns out to be a hamburger, a gourmet one he serves in London that goes for as much as a hundred dollars. Which is outrageous, clearly.
Their challenge is to come up with a gourmet burger. "If you don’t how to make a great burger, what the fuck are you trying to run a pub for Chef Ramsay for?" asks Jon. Then Ramsay introduces Jean-Philippe as the guest judge, and Susan patronizingly says JP is "definitely a diva" so they have to make a real diva burger for him. There is some lighthearted banter with Jean-Philippe, Ramsay expressing disbelief that he’s worked here for fourteen years. "Feels like fourteen minutes," he says, before adding, "…underwater." Everyone laughs and Mary squeaks, "Without oxygen!" Like yeah, Mary, THAT’S THE JOKE. And JP has brought other mâitre d's, sommeliers and restaurant managers, and there’s a whole restaurant full of them coming in now. Ramsay jokes that he’s concerned for the diners of L.A. today.
The contestants are required to make ten burgers, so each judge can sample all of them and then they’re to work the dining room and explain their creative process. And they’ve got just thirty minutes to make all their burgers.
Mary’s making a short rib burger with a pancetta Roquefort relish. Cyndi is making a wagyu beef burger, and she sneers at dainty Ja’Nel and Susan making wimpy turkey burgers or something. Susan is, in fact, Greek yogurt and feta dill spread, because she lives a healthy lifestyle. And she keeps burning her buns, so maybe she’s riddled with venereal diseases? And Jon -- drawing on a Las Vegas Caesar’s Palace theme -- is making a Caesar burger, which sounds disgusting. He’s making his burgers too big for the buns, but it’s too late to do anything about that. And Ja’Nel is making a salmon burger with shallots and red onion, because everyone’s expecting rich and hearty so she’ll go really light.
The burgers start getting sent out to the dining room and the cheftestants follow. We get a little Mary-may-be-legit-mentally-unbalanced montage. Susan claims she knows how to work a room, and the show undercuts her by showing us how she talked about how we all need to watch our waistlines, with some of the beefier judges. She seems to realize her mistake and patronizingly says the diner doesn’t need to watch his waistline. "But as a woman, I do" she says. "It doesn’t hurt to be charming," says Susan. Judging from what we see, she doesn’t have to worry about that yet.
Jon is still in the kitchen because he can’t finish his last burger -- it’s stuck to the pan. Finally, he finishes and heads out for his own lobbying efforts and we get just a few shots of the judges discussing the entries.
Afterwards, Ramsay lines up the cheftestants and announces last place: Susan. "This is just going to be ammunition for the rest of the team to put me up for elimination," she whines. Yeah, it’s annoying when doing the worst at something makes other people think you’re the worst at it.
First place was head and shoulders the winner, Ramsay says, with forty percent of the judges picking it as his or her favorite. For a five-contestant competition, that’s pretty friggin’ impressive.
After a break we learn -- not surprisingly because of the focus on his difficulties -- it’s Jon. His reward? Spa day: Green tea facials, hot stone massages, etc. And he gets to pick a teammate to come with him and he picks Cyndi. She seems genuinely surprised and touched, and he tells us that it’s because Cyndi is really just one of the guys and won’t be all girly about it.
The remaining chefs get Jean-Philippe’s crew’s jobs for the day: Steaming the linens, vacuuming carpets, polishing silverware. "Washing the car? You are a real prima donna," Ramsay tells him. The cooks are already at work when Jon and Cyndi head out to the Dtox Day Spa, which shares a logo with Dr. Dre’s headphones, it seems. Cyndi praises the ambiance. Turns out Dtox is one of those tranquil spas, not the ones that have Norwegian death metal blaring.
Hey, how boring do you think it would be to watch the losers wash Jean-Philippe's car? As boring as you imagine, make it at least ten times that boring, and that’s what we actually have. As for the rest of the dining room chairs, Ja’Nel takes a leadership role, but it seems like that’s only because Susan and Mary don’t seem to give a shit/are incapable of doing a good job.
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After a break, the narrator tells us the women are enduring a "long and tedious" punishment, and maybe if you can describe something as "long and tedious" that should be a clue not to spend a lot of show time on it?
Eventually, the women get to prepping the kitchen, which is when Jon and Cyndi return. Everyone gets ready for dinner service -- the first one for the team of five -- and the restaurant is opened.
Then there is this weird setup thing where Antonio Sabato Jr. and his buddy show up late and are seated in the lounge because there’s no room in the dining room. Jean-Philippe asks Ramsay if they can be seated at the chef’s table, and apparently Antonio Sabato Jr. is turning everyone’s head with his stunning good looks and whatever. "Hopefully he is impressed with our skills," says Susan. Sounds like she’s planning to make her patented, "I’ll let him know I’m a woman and later when he’s horny and looking to have sex he’ll remember that Susan is a woman" move. Cyndi winds up taking the table, thoroughly unmoved by Sabato’s looks, but that’s because she plays for a different team.
Things are going really well, but Ja’Nel’s a little worried because she’s getting slammed with risotto and starts to get behind, and then serves up a terrible mushy risotto. "Get a grip now!" Ramsay yells at the chefs. Antonio Sabato Jr. is enjoying the show. But things are slowed now and the diners are getting hungry, including Challen Cates, who is in Big Time Rush, which is not anything I’m familiar with, but thank god the chyron identified her as an actress because I had no idea if "Challen" was a man or woman’s name. There is also an actress from Glee here, and I can say with confidence that I have heard of Glee.
And then, whoop-de-do, Ja’Nel gets it under control and the appetizers start running out of the kitchen again. At least until Mary serves up sliders, one of which doesn’t have a patty (which Ramsay pronounces "pat-tay," which cracked me up beyond reason). "I’m being a freaking idiot right now," she tells us. Then her batch includes one that looks like a hockey puck, so Ramsay is not pleased. "Do you think that’s going to be served at Caesar’s Palace?" Well, not that exact one.
The team gets things back under control and they start sending out entrees, where Mary burns fish and Susan burns garnish. And then Susan starts firing the entrees for a table that hasn’t received its appetizers yet, and she argues with Ramsay -- who calls her "dumbo" -- about whether they did, and Ramsay is apoplectic. "She’s screwed," says Sabato’s friend, and Ramsay tells Susan she can run the kitchen then. "We’re fucked," says Jon, since Susan can’t even get the times right at her own station.
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Ramsay leaves and Susan -- a little tentatively at first -- starts calling out the orders. There don’t seem to be any major hiccups, and then Ramsay comes in, offers an inscrutable "Wow," and takes over for the last table.
When the dining room is cleared, he dresses down the contestants for the disaster of a service, saying they had better services weeks ago. "At this stage of the game, everything you touch has to be your best," he says, and orders them to go choose two people for nomination.
And then the bickering begins. Susan goes on the offensive, going after Mary, and pretty soon it’s really just Susan, Mary and Ja’Nel yelling at each other, particularly Ja’Nel and Susan. Ja’Nel’s had it out the wazoo with Susan and her rookie mistakes, and rattles off a list of ways she thinks she’s better than Susan. The best Susan can muster is a "You’re humble, too," like Susan can learn anything from Ja’Nel about ego.
Everyone heads back into the dining room, where Ramsay, God love him, reiterates his disappointment in them. Susan announces that Mary is the first nominee, but the second nomination is split between Ja’Nel and her. So Ramsay -- pissed at this "split decision" bullshit -- makes them all step forward. They all plead their cases -- the usual "I want this so bad," stuff. Ramsay fakes-out Mary and makes her step back in line, and that really kind of kills any remaining drama, because there’s no way Ja’Nel’s going home over Susan. Still, Ramsay praises her potential and tells her to keep at it, and he may have a job for her some day. Susan, wiping away tears -- she’s glistening in the exit interview -- leaves. As for the rest: "You were all crap. Come back tomorrow ready to fight," says Ramsay. week’s episode: Four Chefs Compete (Part 1 of 5)
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. In spite of himself, he really wants to see what a $100 burger tastes like. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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Ramsay leaves and Susan — a little tentatively at first — starts calling out the orders. There don’t seem to be any major hiccups, and then Ramsay comes in, offers an inscrutable “Wow,” and takes over for the last table.
When the dining room is cleared, he dresses down the contestants for the disaster of a service, saying they had better services weeks ago. “At this stage of the game, everything you touch has to be your best,” he says, and orders them to go choose two people for nomination.
And then the bickering begins. Susan goes on the offensive, going after Mary, and pretty soon it’s really just Susan, Mary and Ja’Nel yelling at each other, particularly Ja’Nel and Susan. Ja’Nel’s had it out the wazoo with Susan and her rookie mistakes, and rattles off a list of ways she thinks she’s better than Susan. The best Susan can muster is a “You’re humble, too,” like Susan can learn anything from Ja’Nel about ego.
Everyone heads back into the dining room, where Ramsay, God love him, reiterates his disappointment in them. Susan announces that Mary is the first nominee, but the second nomination is split between Ja’Nel and her. So Ramsay — pissed at this “split decision” bullshit — makes them all step forward. They all plead their cases — the usual “I want this so bad,” stuff. Ramsay fakes-out Mary and makes her step back in line, and that really kind of kills any remaining drama, because there’s no way Ja’Nel’s going home over Susan. Still, Ramsay praises her potential and tells her to keep at it, and he may have a job for her some day. Susan, wiping away tears — she’s glistening in the exit interview — leaves. As for the rest: “You were all crap. Come back tomorrow ready to fight,” says Ramsay. week’s episode: Four Chefs Compete (Part 1 of 5)
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. In spite of himself, he really wants to see what a $100 burger tastes like. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
Think you’ve got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games — all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.