In the fallout of the disastrous men's service, Zach figures Jeremy is hanging on by the skin of his teeth, although Zach's dismissal would be a little more badass if he actually said "sayonara" instead of "sara-nara." Jeremy calls himself "humbled," and props to him to using that word correctly instead of the way it's used today by people who win awards and claim to be "humbled" by the honor.
Anyway, Red isn't about to let the fact they won stop them from getting into an argument about who threw whom under the bus, although it's mostly Nedra versus Gina. Again, Gina is remarkably cocky for someone who blew off the entire morning prep. Gina winds up slamming her door and knocking a ceiling panel loose.
The morning, soldiers are descending on Hell's Kitchen to rustle everyone out of bed. Gina seems particular put out that the soldiers are exhorting her to join her team, but she doesn't think those "little bitches" have treated her like a teammate, and she's done with them.
And by "done with them," she means -- as we find out when the groggy cheftestants are assembled outside for Ramsay -- quitting. She vaguely alludes to personal issues in saying she has to leave. Ramsay asks if she's sure she wants to throw in the towel, but it's not like he's going to waste any time on someone who quits after the first dinner service. Nedra says "bitch" approximately eighty times in her response to the whole thing, so you can imagine how broken up she is about it.
Anyway, the soldiers are there for Ramsay to make a labored point about teammates working together, and the soldiers demonstrate by helping each other climb a ten-foot wall in the parking lot. "My big ass climb over the wall? No!" says Nedra. Well, I'm glad she's the one who said it.
Fortunately for them, their version of the wall is only eight feet high (with an added boost for the red team). Then they've got to wade into the huge lobster trap and pick out a lobster, and the goal is to get as many lobsters as they can. The climbing begins, with Jeremy taking the role of human catapult, throwing his teammates over the wall. Anthony rolls his ankle (a replay of it is particularly stomach-churning to watch) on his dismount. But don't worry, he's not going to pull a Gina or anything!
After the five minutes are up, Ramsay praises their teamwork. The women have collected thirty-one lobsters, but the men have thirty-seven. "We finally beat the girls!" says Ray. On EPISODE TWO. But there's not even a prize, because that was just step one of the challenge. They're ordered into their chef's costumes to continue, but the lobster-catching adrenalin has apparently worn off, as Anthony's ankle is causing him grief, and so far this season we're two for two in terms of visits from a medic.
Or wait, are we? Anthony decides to cook on one leg, and hobbles into the kitchen, with some help from his teammates. Ramsay admires his dedication. Anyway, down to the challenge: They've got to clean the lobsters and get the meat out, with a point for each one they successfully clean and present. I'm from Cape Breton Island, where lobsters were so plentiful when my dad was growing up that -- as he always reminds me -- lobsters were for poor people. Ray is also from the East Coast -- Boston, in his case -- so he's cocky about how easy this going to be for him.
But the women jump out to a two-zip lead, with the chefs all working in pairs. The men eventually start putting them out, but Jon and Jeremy are useless at this challenge. Eventually the score on the screen stops being updated, which likely means it's not close anymore, and when the time is up, the women have won 11-8. Their reward is a day on an eighty-five-foot luxury yacht (not one of those budget yachts, then?) with sushi from a master and massages to boot. Zach: "I need a massage! My back hurts!" As for the men: It's fish delivery day. That means loading, gutting, scaling, the whole deal.
On the yacht, Ramsay asks the women what was going through their minds when the army woke them up, and is utterly baffled when Nedra explains that her "hoo-hahs" were all over the place. To be honest, I'm not sure he was any more clear after the other women explain Nedra's talking about her breasts.
Back at the kitchen, the men are sitting down to a lunch of fish-head soup, and doing their best not to vomit. Because what's better television than watching a bunch of schlubs retching?
No dinner service that night, and both teams get to work prepping in the kitchen the day. Danielle is butchering the lamb, and is now going to be fulfill the Gina role as far as Nedra is concerned. Nedra's coaching skills are a little confusing for Danielle, clearly. I wouldn't have the foggiest what Nedra means if she told me to "make love" to the meat either.
Over in Blue, Jeremy is wandering around like he just got smacked upside the head with two-by-four and gets called out by the new sous chef, James. Jeremy's obviously willing to take that a little more willingly than he is from his own teammate, Michael, who gives him a lot of grief. Ray tells the two of them to can it, and to his credit, Jeremy seems a lot more interested in proving to his team that he can hack it than proving he's a tough guy with Michael. Or maybe it's Dan? I don't have all the names right yet.
In keeping with the theme, Ramsay tells them all he wants to see some good teamwork, and Hell's Kitchen opens for service. Tonight there will also be, naturally, a lobster special served tableside by Nedra and Jeremy.
Red's off to a bad start, with Mary soaking the risotto in white wine and not reducing it enough. Man, you know you're struggling when Danielle tells you you've got to pick it up. Christian and Zach in Blue, meanwhile, overcook scallops. SCALLOPS AND RISOTTO, people. SCALLOPS AND RISOTTO. These are not new menu items!
Jalen Rose is in the dining room, and Jean-Philippe explains to Nedra that he's a "massive NBA player" even though he retired like five years ago. Nedra asks if he's the one in the suit, and I'll give her credit and assume there are more than two people we see at Rose's table, because the shots kinda make it seem like Nedra wanted to make sure the NBA star wasn't the tiny Asian woman sitting to Jalen. The upshot is Jean-Philippe wants her to schmooze with him, and lord knows when I'm at a restaurant I want one of the chefs to come over and tell me about all the rest of the other bitches on her team.
Christian jumps the gun on scallops again, so he has to refire for the first appetizer order, which still hasn't gone out. Then there follows several minutes of rising frustration at Christian.
An hour into dinner service, and almost no food has gone out. Christian's round of scallops is late, but he finally gets a properly cooked batch up to the pass. Red's not so luck; the risotto is soaked in wine again, and Ramsay asks Danielle if she's got a drinking problem. She asks if he wants "about a tablespoon" and he seethes at her that it's about burning off the alcohol. "I'm great at what I do, but this is [bleep] hard. This is harder than hard," Danielle tells us. A frustrated Ramsay orders other Red team members to show the two "fucking idiots" how to make a risotto.
In Blue, Jeremy is trying to help Christian, but Christian keeps insisting he's fine. To be fair to Christian, Jeremy seems comatose most of the time, so maybe Christian didn't the poor guy to overexert himself. Christian brings up some rubber scallops, and Ramsay orders him and Jeremy (for not helping enough) to sit at the chef's table and cram them in their food holes.
In Red, Mary and Danielle try again, and Ramsay praises Mary's delicious risotto. Yay, food is coming out! Christian and Jeremy return from their banishment! Oh, wait, things are going to shit in the Blue kitchen again. Jon gets kicked out of the kitchen for fucking up the lamb, and -- wait, is he throwing the WHOLE team out? Yep, he sure is! Ninety minutes into dinner service, and no entrees have gone out.
In the dorms, Jon says they have to figure out what went wrong. Maybe that will distract everyone from your terrible lamb!
Hey, how's Susan's lamb? Raw. Like RAW raw. You can see it on the screen easily. Ramsay gathers the team around to marvel at the raw lamb, and to ask who it was who served up the raw stuff in the signature dish challenge. Yeah, that was Susan. And now the red team gets the boot. Mary says it sucks because they're all talented, all good at what they do. All video evidence thus far to the contrary, I suppose.
Some time after the disappointed and hungry guests have been sent home, Ramsay reassembles the squads and tells them he was expecting a good service, but they both sucked big time and therefore both teams need to submit two names for elimination.
For Blue, the first choice is easy: Christian. Jeremy also comes up, for being such a zombie. It's pointed out that Anthony on his gimpy foot still moved faster than Jeremy. Jeremy seems to think that in this cooking competition, his ability to hoist his teammates over a wall should count for something.
In Red, there's a consensus that Mary and Danielle on appetizers were the weakest link. When Susan's shitty lamb is pointed out, she hilariously tries to blame appetizers for that, because if they'd had their act together, she'd have had more time to cook the lamb. Thankfully Jessica speaks out against that bullshit, pointing out that "raw is raw." Susan is pissed: "I'm not going home for lamb," she tells us. In the dorms, she stomps off angrily.
The teams gather back in the dining room, where Blue puts up Jeremy -- who again is all, "I put my team over a wall, I don't know what else they want from me" -- and Christian, who had the worst station.
Red nominates Danielle and -- beyond the break -- Mary, so nice work by this show trying to pretend there was much debate in the dorms about who to send.
Anyway, time for them all to explain why they should stay. "I made a lot of mistakes tonight," begins Mary. No, Mary. You're supposed to explain why you should STAY. She says she fought back. Danielle admits that the whole thing is a "lot to grasp." Jeremy feels like he hasn't even had a chance to really cook yet, and Christian says he's got a lot more in him.
Ramsay sends Danielle and Jeremy back in line, and then takes Christian's jacket from him. Jeremy calls this his "Bill Buckner moment," and how a world-class athlete at the top-level of competition compares to what Christian is doing I have no idea. And we don't even get a little joke from Ramsay, because he dismisses the teams, except for Jeremy. And we get the TO BE CONTINUED screen, which would be more ominous were it not for the fact you can see Jeremy in one of the previews for week's episode.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Did Gina leave the puppet? Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.