Here's how great a cliffhanger it was that we left off with -- remember? With Jeremy being held back after the rest of the chefs were dismissed? -- I completely forgot that it happened until this week, and of course all that happens is Ramsay tells Jeremy to straighten up and fly right, etc. "Find your voice," he advises, and back in the dorms, Jeremy tells the others that he's been hanging back because he has wanted to see how they all work, or whatever. "You all talk too fucking much," he says. Lose your voice, Jeremy! Dan still thinks he's a liability, but outwardly the team praises Jeremy's plans to be more vocal. Over on the Red side, no one is calling anyone else a bitch or anything, so we only spend five seconds there.
Early the morning, the teams all race outside to find Ramsay waiting for them, in running sneakers and shorts, in front of a group of people ready to run a race. Cyndi worries that she's going to have to run a marathon, and unnecessarily tells us she's not going to be able to do that. Ramsay says he's run "over a dozen" marathons. So ... thirteen? And then tells us about some sort of charity that he's involved with, and how this is the first ever Hell's Kitchen 3K race to raise awareness of childhood obesity. Hey, quick tip: Bump it up to 5K and really tackle the problem. "I'm ready to run 3K. Let's save those little fat kids," says Anthony, who might want to work on his diplomacy.
There to help out are Olympic medalists Maurice Green and Natalie Coughlin. Natalie has won twelve medals, and all Dan can focus on is how beautiful she is. Counterpoint: Yeah, she really is. And there is Danell Levya, who won a gold in gymnastics in London, allegedly, and he is "mucho caliente," according to Nedra.
After the run, the racers will be heading into the kitchen for lunch, and Blue and Red will compete to finish serving their side first. Ramsay asks for a volunteer from each team to run, but picks Mary, who didn't have her hand up, and Dan, who figures he could run this thing backwards and still beat Mary.
The race gets underway and the remaining chefs head inside to prep for lunch. There is a weird pointless check-in thing where Dan and Mary can stop racing just so they can tell their teammates how far along they are, and their teams have to stop prepping to pay attention. Mary's far behind Dan, much to Ramsay's amusement, but she eventually makes it to the checkpoint, behind everybody else. They don't even bother showing us the checkpoint at the second kilometer, if they did that, and Dan comes jogging in to the kitchen. I guess the teams need to wait for their jogging member to arrive before they can start serving? Anyway, it's a great challenge that makes one of the chefs really sweaty even before service gets underway.
Zach screws up some salmon, which may blow the entire headstart Blue has. Mary eventually staggers in, and is more out of it than normal. Part of lunch involves making smoothies, and Susan pronounces that she is the Queen of Smoothies, like sticking a banana and some blueberries in a blender is such an amazing fucking accomplishment. Ramsay is less enamored of her smoothie prowess than she is, though, and Nedra has to help Susan MAKE SMOOTHIES.
The teams eventually move on to entrees, and Danielle is too slow on the sweet potato fries. She can't blame the brigade system this time, and instead blames lack of fry baskets (and the laws of physics). Ramsay gives Zach hell over some raw salmon and sends it back. Zach makes the dumb -- yet it happens every season -- mistake of taking the old stuff and trying to "finish it off" and Ramsay busts him on that, and puts Jeremy on salmon instead. Zach's lucky he didn't get tossed from the kitchen, honestly.
The women finish first, and Ramsay lets them celebrate for a minute before sending them over to the Blue kitchen to help them. Maybe Susan is the Queen of Salmon too!
After the Blue team stumbles to a finish, and the teams are lined up in the empty dining room, Ramsay announces their prize of a trip on a private jet to California wine country. They scream and screech and run away, and the men have to clean up the race route: break down the checkpoints, pick up the trash, and wash off the paint. Michael asks Ramsay if it would be possible to slow down the tickets a little so they can actually understand what's being read. His teammates quietly take a couple steps away so they don't get Michael's blood splattered on them when Ramsay takes his head off. Ramsay sneers a little but also says he'll read the tickets more slowly at the dinner service.
Men pick up trash and scrub the concrete! Women drink champagne on a plane! Red team enjoys the wine and cheese lunch, and then stomp grapes. Prepping in the kitchen, the men talk a big game about being tired of losing. When the women return, Dan calls it a "skank parade" through the kitchen, so you realize he really knows how to turn on the charm.
Oh god, what is Danielle's problem now? Something's off with her. She can't find something, or something, and is too timid to speak up. Over in Blue, Michael ticks the mighty Dan off by asking him not to leave his shit all over Michael's station, or something. Dan wants Michael to step off, because Michael wants him to, you know, prep and know the basic ingredients. The rest of the team seems to agree Dan's a little bit lost, but Dan puffs out his chest because he's not about to let the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing let his teammates tell him what to do.
Ready for dinner service! There's a tableside Greek salad, to be prepared by Cyndi for Red, and Jeremy for Blue. So much for Jeremy proving how capable he plans to be in the kitchen.
What is it, Olympic Week at Hell's Kitchen? Kristi Yamaguchi is there, making everyone feel old when we realize she won gold twenty years ago. Ryan Hollins of the Clippers is there, so everyone try not to get too excited.
As promised, Ramsay reads Blue's tickets super-slow, and sarcastically asks Michael (and Ray, even though Ray didn't ask for it) if that was slow enough. There is some nonsense with Barret worried about Old Man Ray and his supposedly fading memory, of which we've seen no evidence and continue to see no issue.
Out in the kitchen, it's clear Jeremy has been placed where he'll do the least damage. He's almost comically inept. And Blue's got other problems: The guy from the Clippers is sending his rice back because it's "too hard" and Jean-Phillippe doesn't tell him that he only gets to send food back if he plays for a team that has won more than two playoff series in its entire existence.
Anyway, Ray has to get another risotto on the go. Fortunately for us all, Zach isn't letting his shameful salmon performance prevent him from lording it over Ray, who Ramsay calls "Granddad." There is a brief period where the rest of the team worries that Ray is going to start watching Lawrence Welk and shit his pants or something, and then Ray makes a perfect risotto because he is a professional. The man from the Clippers approves!
In Red, Jessica is making a huge risotto, and Susan, presumably the Risotto Queen, thinks Ramsay will not approve. He also doesn't approve of her slowness, but yes, he slams the huge pan she's made for just one portion of risotto.
Blue is now humming on entrees, so Dan on meat and Michael on garnish have to work together. But Dan has to admit that the lamb on one ticket is raw. Of course for Dan, when he screws up, he then bitches about his teammates being annoyed by it. Goddammit, why did the guy name Dan have to be such a massive prick? And then after making Ramsay wait and angering him, he serves up dogshit anyway. Michael gets all pursed-lips about it, but fair enough.
In Red, Danielle and Jacqueline are on meat, and Ramsay stops some raw chicken from going out. "Wake up!" he yells. And he yells at them some more. Fortunately, Jacqueline decides to actually cook the chicken on her second attempt.
Half of the Blue diners are hungry and still waiting for their food. Michael wastes more garnish waiting for Dan to get his shit together, and then when Dan doesn't appear to know how much time he needs to finish the lamb, angrily goes and checks himself, bumping Dan in the process. Ramsay corrals the two of them and pulls them out of the kitchen into the back, where Michael yells like a crazy person and Dan is suddenly more deferential, and tells him to calm down. He apologizes. I kinda feel like Dan wasn't aware there was a camera on him because he's not acting like a tough asshole like he is during his interview segments.
Back to work, and Michael has replaced anger with sarcasm, and Dan has replaced "being a douchebag" with "cooking lamb."
How's Red doing? Serving up overcooked Wellington. Ja'Nel tells us Danielle and Jacqueline are crashing and burning. Ramsay goes on some sort of rant about how Red thinks they're hot shit because they kissed Celine Dion's ass in Vegas, which made me snicker. Danielle brings up another pair that are also overcooked, and then finally gets it right, and eventually both teams finish the service.
Ramsay declares Blue the winners not because they were amazing, but because they at least made some progress. He dismisses Blue, and then tells Red it was their worst performance so far. In the dorms, it doesn't take long for Red to identify Danielle and Jacqueline as weak links, although Nedra defends Jacqueline as being very strong and they'd be stupid to lose her. So who else sucked? Well, Jessica apparently didn't have enough "confidence" on apps, which she, not unreasonably, thinks is bullshit.
So the team puts forward Danielle and Jessica for elimination, and the fact they didn't leave the second nominee on the other side of a commercial break means there's more to this story, and sure enough Ramsay -- who seemed surprised at Jessica's nomination -- wants to hear from another chef. And that's on the other side of a commercial break.
And obviously it's Jacqueline, "because she could have killed somebody tonight." Ramsay asks Jessica why her team wants her out, and Jessica talks about the confidence thing. Ramsay asks Nedra why Jessica isn't a good teammate, and Nedra can only muster an "Um..." and Ramsay points out how dumb it is that Red nominated her but can't explain why. He sends Jessica back in line.
So it's down to Danielle, who appears to not think it's fair to judge her on the fact that she's sucked since she got here. "I'm a damn good chef, and I know it," she says. Jacqueline says she should stay because she was born to do this. "You're born to cook pink chicken," says Ramsay. Ha ha! He winces as she keeps talking about how her "body was born to do this" and says he should have thrown her out during the service.
He does a Jacqueline fakeout and then takes Danielle's jacket, telling her she never really proved herself. She tells us she never really grasped the format as quickly as she expected, and she's grateful she made it this far (and disappointed she didn't go farther).
Back in the dining room, Ramsay tells Red he's going to start separating the chefs from the cooks, and gives them a "piss off." Meanwhile, Michael wants to get rid of Dan if they're too be successful from here on out.
Ramsay: "Every dinner service, Danielle looked like a deer in the headlights. And that's why she ended up as dead meat."
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He keeps expecting to see Jeremy being chased by a swarm of angry bees or perhaps accidentally lighting himself on fire. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.