The Hell's Kitchen season finale opens with clips spanning the season, taking in scenes I'd managed to forget, like Tiffany running after livestock and yelling, "WHO WANTS IT?" And also Tiffany doing everything in every scene. And the editing is giving me epilepsy AND whiplash, so I've got that going for me, which is nice. The narrator is making the case that even though this was the biggest collection of arseholes in HK history (he actually says something about them having problems or something less vague) they all fought really hard to stay, or something. We all know that every season of every reality show has to announce that it's the Most Something Yet, but usually shows opt for "best crop of contestants yet" or some such. The previously-on scenes have been unspooling for about fifteen minutes. At least Hell's Kitchen manages to keep episodes down to a manageable hour, unlike some other reality shows where the only talent required is to be STD-free for at least a few consecutive weeks (*cough* Bachelor Pad *cough*).
We're down to Christina and Justin, and we're wondering if Clemenza can get over his ego to cook for Justin. Clemenza says he's angry he went home -- as opposed to everyone on the team except for Justin? I mean, Clemenza wasn't so dedicated to winning that he'd throw his jacket in the laundry once in a while. He hopes Justin wins, but admits his heart might not really be in it, because what will Justin's money do for him? I don't know, but you'd think pride might compel to not to appear to be such a petulant whiner on television (but if everyone was like that, the reality television industry as we know it would collapse).
The day, Justin's concerned about Clemenza's attitude. Meanwhile, Christina is excited about having Dana on her team, because she can't imagine cooking without her. Justin's Blue team is having a briefing meeting on the patio and Clemenza has decided to wait in the kitchen because if the team needs him, they should come get him. What is he, thirteen years old? Justin figures he can appease Clemenza long enough to win Hell's Kitchen, so he goes to the kitchen to fetch the bastard.
Prep begins for both teams, Justin's drillmaster attitude contrasting nicely with Christina's lovey-dovey vibe. She tells Red not to call her "Chef" because she won't answer (although she doesn't seem much taken with Dana's saying, "I'm going to call you 'beeyotch'"). Yeah, the boss having the "I'm just your friend, we're all on the same level!" approach ALWAYS works.
Time for Ramsay to come in to test each kitchen's menu and give last-minute tweaks. Clemenza burns some crostini just as Ramsay's due to taste everything, and they can only hope they shut the oven door quickly enough to prevent too much smoke from clouding the proceedings. "CLEMENZA!" yells Brian, the way McBain yells, "MENDOZA!" Clemenza carries the smoking tray out of the kitchen and starts to reprep, while Justin yells, "You're literally breaking down! You're literally breaking down!" I ... what? Less than ninety minutes to dinner service, and Brian comes to the rescue with some crostini for his BFF.
First dish for Justin: Sambuca-cured wild salmon, with fennel kalamata olives and micro-basil on top. Less salt, says Ramsay. up: flat rice-crusted cod, truffled potato puree and basil beurre blanc. Lovely flavors, says Ramsay, but it looks awful on the plate. Then there's the rib eye with crispy shallot. Ramsay deems it delicious, and warns him not to be too clever.
Over in Red, Christina serves up seared scallops, charred corn and asparagus risotto. Ramsay says it's nice. The jumbo lump crab meat salad with jicama, jalapeno and coconut and ginger. Much like Justin's second dish, the flavors are great but presentation leaves much to be desired. He suggests serving it in a cocktail glass. Finally there's the pork loin and braised collards. Delicious, says Ramsay, but tells her to go easy on the greens. He praises the menu, her most creative dishes so far.
So just minor tweaks for both menus, and he rechecks them fifteen minutes before dinner service, declaring everything looking good. Christina and Justin give pep talks to their teams, and then Ramsay tells James, "For the 140th time, open Hell's Kitchen." James beams and does so. Christina's girlfriend is there to eat, as are Justin's parents.
Ramsay wishes each finalist good luck, and then the orders start coming in. Justin needs to read the first ticket a couple of times before he gets the desired snappy response, and Ramsay seems to nod at Justin's assertion of authority.
In Red, Robyn gets a little backtalky with Christina, on her case a little bit about making sure her times are accurate but it's only because, as Christina tells us, that Robyn has proven to be a cancer on any team. Cancer calls its PR team, because it will not stand to have its good name sullied so.
In Blue, Royce serves up some crab cakes that are killed in the middle, and Ramsay sends them back. The two are dried out, and Justin takes them back, sending Brian in to help Royce with the crab cakes. Royce in an interview seems to be annoyed that Justin's not impressed with his ability to screw up crab cakes on the very first ticket.
"I'm dying here!" yells Justin, which doesn't impress Royce, who finally gets the crab cakes right on the third try, and even a dismal .333 batting average (dismal in the kitchen, I mean) is enough for Royce to bust out his own "Rolls Royce" nickname.
In Red, Dana's scallops and Robyn's risotto are holding up appetizers. Dana tells us she's genuinely trying, because she doesn't want Christina to look bad. Robyn blames Dana's burnt scallops for causing her risotto to get sent back too, since it was up there waiting for so long. Dana's scallops are better, and the order goes out, and their appetizers are done. Blue also moves on from appetizers, but not without some general buffoonery from Clemenza to worry Justin.
In Red, Christina doesn't like the look of Dana's halibut, and she likes even less Dana getting shirty over Christina's order to fire some new ones. Then she brings the halibut to the pass, only for Christina to tell her those are the same ones she ordered Dana to kill. Dana argues, and Andi has to step in to tell her to listen to Christina, but Dana continues to argue. At this point, their friendship means nothing, Christina tells us, not in an angry way -- she just needs Dana to do what she asks her to do to get the food out.
"Dana just screwed the pooch big time," Patrick tells us. "All this hard work is about to disintegrate," Ramsay tells Christina, warning her to get the message to Dana or switch her out of the station. Christina, all "You got me, I got you!" with Dana, decides to let her stay in for a little while longer.
Blue is getting entrees out much faster, but a dish is sent back because the fish is cold. Royce doesn't understand why he's being blamed. After all, Justin should have checked it before sending it out. I'm not sure "he should have checked to make sure I didn't do a shitty job" is much of a defense, but it's not like Royce has a ton of excuses to fall back on.
Meanwhile, Dana nails her attempt at halibut, kicking off a good run for Red. Justin's not even waiting for Ramsay to send stuff back for Blue. It's going back for being undercooked, overcooked, too salty, not free-range, anti-choice and a fan of Dane Cook.
Red's on their last ticket, and Christina's hoping they can finish strong on the last ticket. Then Dana serves up some undercooked pork on the last ticket, and Ramsay gives her the choice of sending it out as is or delaying the last order a few more minutes. It's not really a choice, and Christina makes the correct decision to pull it back and start over.
Similarly, in Blue, Barbie screws up the ribeye on the last order. "I'm literally watching my dreams sink right now," Justin tells us. That sounds kinda cool, actually! Then he brings back her batch, but now there's a problem -- she doesn't have enough to finish the order. Barbie's contrite in an interview, saying she really wants to help Justin win. James confers with the table and gets the OK to send out filets instead, so Blue gets back to work, with Ramsay urging Justin and Christina to get their last orders out just like their first orders. They do, and service wraps up with hugs and backslaps and hugs in both kitchens.
In the debrief, Ramsay calls it an amazing service, and so he's decided to do away with the two-door thing, because he's ready to decide a winner there and then, and announces "Tavon!" much to everyone's amusement. I picture poor Tavon sitting at home, watching this. A single tear rolls down his cheek. His eliminated-in-Week-1 cheek. When the laughter subsides, Ramsay tells Justin and Christina to head to the dorms and await his call, and then he dismisses the other chefs.
A very nervous Justin and Christina head back to the dorms to wait, while Ramsay sorts through the customer comment cards and watches a fuzzy-bordered montage of Justin's and Christina's greatest hits, including, somewhat amusingly, scenes from about five minutes ago.
The phone rings in the dorms, and Justin answers it. It's Ramsay, summoning the two of them to his office, where he tells them they were both amazing leaders tonight. He tells Christina he doesn't think he's ever met a more passionate chef, while Justin possesses an extraordinary palate, and he doesn't doubt they'll both be very successful in their careers. That said, he has made a decision, and he tells them both to step up to the doors.
Lord, even I feel nervous when I watch them standing there, with everyone gathered in the dining room down below. Justin's parents are there, Christina's girlfriend (who looks like she's been crying) and mother are there too.
We know how this works: The chef whose door opens wins, and becomes the head chef at Gordon Ramsay's Steak at Paris Las Vegas, with a quarter-million-dollar salary, at least for a little while. As I understand it, Hell's Kitchen jobs seem to be a lot like Bachelor relationships: They don't last very long after the cameras stop rolling. Christina and Justin put their hands on the handles and Ramsay counts to three.
When he gets to three, it's commercial time, of course. And when we come back, we have to have it SET UP for us again.
EVENTUALLY, it's Christina who steps through the door, although she practically collapses upon realizing what has happened. "It feels so good, it's totally amazing," Christina tells us, as we watch her walk down the steps. Upstairs, Ramsay hugs and Justin and tells him he did a great job, as do his parents when he eventually gets to the bottom of the stairs. He's gracious in defeat, praising Christina as a chef (although I suppose it wouldn't do to slag the abilities of someone who beat you), while Christina is straight-up crying over winning, promising to keep raising the bar when she goes to Las Vegas. "Christina's passion and talent are undeniable. She's a strong leader, who is totally at home in the kitchen," Ramsay tells us, and I'll spare you the gambling puns he makes .
And now it's time for everyone's favorite part: Credit bloopers and Ramsay joking around! Along clips of the contestants dancing (with fake grainy-film lines added in, because why?) we see Ramsay praise Brian's cooking when his mind's on it, but when he's not? He's a nightmare. And Royce? "Fuck me, Royce, you're hard work. I swear to god I could fucking grill your head sometimes," he says. I'd watch that reality show too, you know.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Here's to ten more years of profanity and contempt in Hell's Kitchen. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.