Ramsay bids the teams goodnight, while Christina cheers the departure of Robyn for the Blue Team. The remaining Red Team members smoke and toast Robyn's removal, while Robyn is excited to be on a team where the members don't "walk in with their periods" and get all catty. Holy shit, she's hateful. And it's clear that Red's enthusiasm for losing Robyn is not reciprocating by Blue for gaining her. Their attitude is best summed up as "I hope this doesn't cause problems." Robyn tells Blue that she's not a backstabber, but if it's the kind of thing you need to tell someone? That's a problem.
The morning, Chef Ramsay greets them with a craps table in the dining room, but it's the kind of craps you play with a special die with letters on each of its twelve sides, and you have to choose an ingredient starting with the letter you roll and come up with "one stunning dish." Kimmie says she's never played craps for ingredients and I hate to point out that this is not craps but THIS IS NOT CRAPS.
Clemenza rolls. He gets an H, and he chooses heirloom tomatoes. Justin rolls a D: he seems to freeze, trying to think of something that starts with D, and finally spits out "daikon." Robyn, in her new blue duds, also rolls a D. But daikon's already taken, so she comes up with "dragonfruit," despite Brian trying to mind-meld with her so she'll choose a protein. "Holy crap," says Ramsay. Brian rolls an E, and now he realizes how your mind goes blank when you're the one standing there. Finally he says "edamame," and Ramsay feels the need to remind them he's not opening a vegetarian restaurant. Shoulda said "eagle"! So it's up to Royce to come up with a protein. He rolls a C, and takes a little while to think of chicken, but Blue is quite relieved. "That's probably the worst lineup of ingredients I've ever seen. What a bunch of fucking idiots," Tiffany tells us.
Speaking of fucking idiots, Tiffany is rolling first, and she rolls a C as well, and she comes up with "chicory." Ramsay can't believe the gang of idiots he has for his tenth season.
Barbie rolls an L and asks for lamb, so Dana yells -- all of her talking-head segments, she's always yelling at us -- that not only do they have a protein, they have an awesome protein.
Kimmie rolls a T and chooses turnip. Dana rolls a B and chooses Brussels sprouts. Christina rolls a T and picks truffles. And since they all have complementary and we're focusing on what a hodge-podge the men have, isn't it obvious Blue's going to take this? Blue eventually works out what they're going to do, and everyone gets to work.
Red has divvied up the ingredients, but Barbie doesn't seem to want to focus on her own dish, chirping away her opinion at everyone else, making Dana concerned the lamb isn't going to be done right. Blue's loose Asian theme gives Brian inspiration -- they'll make the dragonfruit into sushi.
Time runs out, and Red serves up its herb-crusted rack of lamb, served with crispy roasted Brussels sprouts and braised endive and chicory. Endive? What about the truffles? Ramsay braises how well the lamb is cooked, but he feels a little let down by the Brussels sprouts. Barbie's of the opinion that Dana should have paid more attention to her own ingredient than Barbie's.
As for the men, Justin introduces their charred chicken roulotte, with dragonfruit vinaigrette, edamame puree and a daikon sushi roll. Ramsay says it's delicious, except for the chicken, which is slightly overcooked, adding that he noticed Royce slicing it too early, dehydrating it on top. I wish we'd hear more actual cooking insights like this, rather than half an hour of Robyn calling everyone else a bitch every episode.
Ramsay says it's a tough call, and once we come back from commercial, we find out that he felt Blue's dish had a slight edge. Higher degree of difficulty, for sure. Robyn seems to feel particularly responsible for the victory, and that for sure this validates her being on the Blue Team.
The Blue Team's prize? Twenty-four hours in Vegas, staying at a high roller suite at the Paris hotel. There is much yelling and shouting of "Vegas, baby!" Mostly from Royce. Kimmie blames Dana for screwing up the Brussels sprouts, especially since they're going to be up all night slow-roasting the pork for a special service tomorrow night.
And Kimmie is CRYING AGAIN, like how much does Kimmie need to be sent home? Pull it together, Kimmie, Jesus. "I don't know why she needs to cry after every fucking challenge," Dana tells us.
In the dorms, Kimmie pounds on the punching bag while complaining about Dana's "crunchy-ass Brussels sprouts," and that the problem is that Dana thinks she runs the team. Wait, what? No, Robyn thinks she runs the team, Barbie thinks she runs the team -- oh, but Barbie's lamb was good and Robyn can't be used as an excuse anymore, so Red is looking for a new internal conflict to destroy itself with. Kimmie says she wants to wring Dana's neck right now, that's how pissed she is. Well, she can try, at least until she can't see straight when she starts crying because SHE'S ALWAYS CRYING.
The Red Team gets to work prepping the kitchen and are not super-impressed with either Dana's suggestion that they use this as a bonding experience, nor with the smug Blue Team rolling through the kitchen on their way to their Vegas vacation.
The Vegas montage follows, with the decadent Vegas hotel suite featuring sushi, a dessert bar and more sushi than Royce will ever be able to jerk off to in his entire lifetime. None of the women look at all happy to be working this room full of deadbeats, especially with their clumsy double-entendres and general jackassery.
Back in the kitchen, Tiffany starts working on the pig "in a creepy way" according to Dana, because there's nothing classier than insinuating your teammate plans to have sex with the carcass of a farm animal.
Back in Vegas, Blue Team is meeting up with Eric Stoltz from Mask Carrot Top, and if we're going to try to pretend we're in for some Hangover-esque highjinks, I'd like to suggest everyone on Blue get tasered in the face. Robyn seems to mistake "hanging out with Carrot Top" for "living the lifestyle of the rich and famous." Robyn's whole goal, as the team starts hitting the nightclubs, is to see if she can be just as big a jackass as the men of the team.
Back in the dorms, a barbecue has been set up rigged with an obnoxious alarm that goes off every hour until someone hits a big red button and checks the coals and see how the pork is cooking. It's kinda like Desmond in the hatch on Lost, only imagine hating Desmond and not giving a shit about what happens to anyone. "This is by far the worst punishment I've had to do since I've been here," says Kimmie, as we see "pig patrol" lasting until at least 3:27 A.M.
Of course, the work continues early in the morning, and is still going strong when Blue returns, and Brian begins being particularly obnoxious to the vanquished. Eventually, Blue gets to work themselves, whereupon Robyn seems surprised that a team she hasn't worked with before has different methods from the ones she employs, and Royce couldn't give a shit, what with Robyn no longer being on a team stuffed with vaginas, apparently.
Ramsay comes in to give them the lowdown: There will be special guests at the chef's table. But then I'm confused, because instead of a special guest, he says Blue will have the winner of Season 9 of American Idol, and a Season 10 finalist. I don't know who either of those people are, but judging from the gleam in Justin's eye, he wants to have sex with one or both of them.
At Red's chef's table, they'll have one of the greatest British soccer players to ever play the game. We go to commercial on this MAJOR CLIFFHANGER. Or it would be, if they hadn't told us last week it would be David Beckham, which is, yes, much more impressive than those forgettable American Idol wastes of oxygen.
And the women lose their shit when they find out it's David Beckham. Christina says she doesn't get star-struck, but what girl doesn't think David Beckham is smoking hot? "I like women, and I think he's smoking hot," she says. Heh.
We're open! Here come the American Idol people, Lee Dewyze and Haley Reinhart. Look out, Beatles! And then Beckham shows up, sadly without Posh, but without some kid named Brooklyn, who I will assume belongs to him and isn't, say, the Robin to his Batman. Christina calls him a magical creature who came in on a rainbow riding a unicorn, eating a cupcake. Helpfully, the graphics department shoots a rainbow off behind him.
Ramsay welcomes Becks and Brooklyn to Hell's Kitchen, and Dana has to fan herself after having the singular honor of taking their appetizer order for the pulled-pork pizza. Rather than building on yesterday's victory, Clemenza fucks up the very first order of scallops, earning a rebuke from Ramsay (and the amusement of the American Idol twosome who I'm sure still think they will be famous forever and won't be strung-out drunks working the lounge circuit in five years), but he rebounds quickly with the plate. Dana's having trouble with the pizza, and calls in Kimmie for help. And then Christina comes over and she likewise has trouble with turning it, or something. Beckham's close enough to tell what's going on and he reassures them that there's no rush, and with the two teams of morons this season, there is such a "no rush" policy in effect that he and the other diners might not even get food. But their third pizza attempt is successful, and Dana happily delivers it to the Beckhams, who decide it's really good.
So things seem to be going well for Red now, but over in Blue, they're struggling with the forno oven as well, at least until Robyn successful rescues flatbread pizzas that are worthy of the stature of the American Idol contestants at the chef's table. Dingleberry from Season 10 and Binglebrat from Season 9 decide it's good as well.
In Red, the final appetizer order requires a tray of scallops from Tiffany, and she cooks them perfectly. Ramsay tells them he's never had appetizers leave that smoothly, and encourages them to keep it up. Which likely means it will all go pear-shaped before too long.
Over in Blue, Robyn's mouthiness actually seems to be a plus, as she's calling out orders and times and impressing the hell out of Brian. The narrator says Robyn steered Blue's ship through "most" of the appetizers, and that "most" suggests rocks up ahead.
Sure enough, when Royce starts trotting up some Wellingtons for Blue's entrees, Ramsay mutters "unbelievable" and brings them back to show everyone that all three are cooked differently. "And you expect me to put that on the same table?" he says. Royce mutters an apology and says he'll fix it, while Robyn glares holes in his back. "Royce has no idea what the fuck is going on," Robyn tells us, comparing him to an ostrich with its head in the sand. He is foundering somewhat, having difficulty getting the order corrected. Every time Ramsay calls over to see how long it's going to take, Royce says "five minutes" and finally Ramsay orders the men out into the pantry or hall or whatever behind the kitchen.
There he yells at them for embarrassing him in front of his soccer-god countryman, and orders them to improve their attitude. Meanwhile, Robyn is left to cook by herself, and some sort of damn circus calliope music starts up for some reason, to show how what a juggling act she's doing trying to take care of all the stations by herself. The American Idol twits laugh at her, because contestants on reality shows are pathetic, right, you two? RIGHT, YOU TWO? The men come back in and hope to get some entrees out at some point tonight, especially since the women are already halfway through their entrees.
Then Tiffany serves up a cod for sea bass, and then she does it AGAIN even after being yelled at for doing it. Eventually she gets the sea bass out, cooked properly.
Sadly for Blue, "cooked properly" is not in the vocabulary tonight. Back from their pep talk with Ramsay -- well, "pep talk" isn't the right phrase. "Pep scream" works better -- Royce cooks some pork shop to the consistency of a rubber boot and Clemenza burns his cod. Ramsay then calls Clemenza out for looking like a slob, with his jacket all dirty and gross and encrusted with the juice of a thousand poorly cooked scallops. "You're cooking like a donkey," says Ramsay. Not even an animal with individual digits on its feet, let alone opposable thumbs! Harsh!
Barbie and Kimmie get Beckham's pork chop out, as well as his son's spaghetti and meatballs. Barbie's excited because she thinks that in England once ye cook yon pork choppe to perfection, thou art then betrothed to the rich footballer. Ramsay also yells out praise to Barbie for her perfect pork and Wellington, and entrees are flying out.
Blue is the perfect opposite. They don't have a single entrée out yet. There must be some confusion, because Robyn is on the team, and isn't she Hell's Kitchen Jesus?
Ramsay orders Blue up to the pass where he shows them the eleven trays waiting for orders, and then shows them Red's clean slate. So he summons Red into Blue's kitchen to help out. Horribly embarrassing for Robyn. Is this like running to an ex-girlfriend? "Oh! Hello. ... You're looking well, Red Team." As usual Tiffany has completely forgotten any of her shortcomings and calls the Blue Team pathetic. I mean, she's not wrong, but... I mean, god, listen to Tiffany, who moments ago mistook cod for sea bass TWICE, condescendingly talk to Brian about why the Blue Team is always fucking up. Brian says it took every ounce of his strength not to shove her head in the deep-fryer, which means Brian has more self-control than probably anyone watching.
Even Christina wants Tiffany to cool it, reminding everyone that they're there to help, not make things worse. So Christina leads the Blue/Red charge in getting the entrees out, and when everyone's served, Ramsay tells them what a great service they had, and obviously they won, putting everyone in a sunny mood.
As for Blue, he gathers them at the back of the kitchen to tell them the best chef on the men's team was a woman. Well, it's not really a men's team, though, is it? Although Ramsay probably knows that the sexist button is a good one to push to make the men feel bad about themselves. He rattles off the men's litany of sins and tells them Red blew them away, and now they need to head back to the dorms and put up two people for elimination. "Chef Ramsay pretty much obliterated our souls," Brian tells us.
In the dorms, Brian speaks up first, nominating Royce and Clemenza for the terrible jobs they did. Royce doesn't say anything, but Clemenza seems outraged that he should be singled out for criticism just because he did a shitty job. He counters with Royce and Brian, because although he did have scallops come back, he rescued flatbread. (Well, you also burned fish, Clemenza.) Royce makes it a trifecta by nominating Brian and Clemenza, because his meat problems weren't nearly as bad as the "shit-ton" or "fuck-ton" of issues with the fish and the flatbreads, like NICE TRY, ROYCE. He tells us everyone there knows he's not the weakest link. He says that a little more confidently than I think the sentiment warrants.
Robyn is reluctant to weigh in, since she's new to the team, but they tell her she's got to pick at least one person. She hems and haws, and then seems to suggest that since it's tied up to let Ramsay make the decision? Fortunately, the other guys shoot down that terrible idea.
Blue comes back into the kitchen, and Ramsay asks Robyn who the nominees are. Robyn says the first nominee is Royce, because he let the team down. Second choice, after the break, is Clemenza.
The two men step forward for the nightly "why I don't suck enough to deserve to go home" speech. Royce hilariously says he physically beats himself up for his mistakes and keeps coming back. Ramsay looks as bewildered by that as I feel, and the Red Team outright laughs at Royce, who continues by talking about how he walks "prouder" every day he's there. Ramsay says he's opening Gordon Ramsay Steak this year, not in 2025.
Not a good sign for Clemenza that Ramsay is again disgusted by the state of his jacket, and says there's more food on it than he served on plates. Clemenza says he's been on the top of every challenge, and he has the passion and the hunger. "Big boy, I think you're done," says Ramsay, who then orders both of them to give up their jackets. He tells Royce to give his regards to Ralph, and Royce trudges down the hall of shame.
Back in the dining room, Ramsay takes Clemenza's jacket and says he's really disappointing. "I expected so much more," says Ramsay. I knew it was too good to be true that Ramsay was going to send home two chefs tonight, and sure enough he only took Clemenza's filthy jacket so he could give him a fresh clean one, and orders him back in line.
Clemenza, relieved, returns and hugs his teammates. Not that it's all smiles: Ramsay warns him to stay clean for at least one service. "You're like a pig rolling in shit all day long," he says, to Dana's great amusement.
Before dismissing them, Ramsay tells them to look around, and reminds them they started with eighteen and are now down to nine.
The teams leave. "Royce came in promising a Rolls-Royce service. But instead, his service was like a broken-down car. Time to send Royce to the junkyard," Ramsay tells us, as we watch him jog away up the stairs.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Tonight on Hell's Kitchen: The best baseball players in America play the All-Star Game! Or, wait, I guess it's not on tonight. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.