So where were we? "The women have just suffered a big casualty," says the narrator. Sizeist! Despite how much the rest of the team hates Kimmie -- because everyone hates everyone else -- no one wants to see her permanently injured, which is nice. And everyone's glad to see to see her come back, and not just because they don't want to be down a body in Red. Well, except for Robyn, who calls her a big baby. In a lot of cases, she is, but I think it's fair to cut her slack for, you know, SEVERE GREASE BURNS.
Anyway, remember that it's also kids' night, and while Child Protective Services should be running background checks on any parent bringing their kids here, it's cute to see the adorable moppets ordering from the kids' menu, and awaiting their complementary mini-pizza appetizer. They're entranced by Clemenza tossing the pizza dough, but the Red diners are awaiting slow-ass Tiffany, who can't really give a shit. Why? Because kids' don't know what fine dining is, so therefore their opinions don't matter. "I really don't like kids at all," she says. Which explains why she indefensibly, completely knowingly, serves up burnt crust. Ramsay yells at everyone to get together.
But it's not all bad news. Tiffany gets bonked in the back of the head by Robyn, using one of those forno oven pizza ... things, so that was nice. Barbie by this point is wondering why Tiffany is even a chef, because she doesn't seem to care. Barbie gets to work on getting out edible pizzas, which is a refreshing change from Tiffany's, "Ah, fuck it, they're kids" attitude. Of course, Tiffany is angered by Barbie's self-serving "people should be able to eat the food we serve" philosophy.
Meanwhile, Brian's working on appetizers, and speaking in Spanish. "I do a lot of voices all the time, and the guys love it," Brian explains. The guys all seem to be annoyed, especially Justin and Clemenza. We watch a talking-head in which Brian appears to be high and says, "I got blinis" and he licks his lips. This is as we watch him fuck them up, and try again, this time using an English accent, earning him a rebuke from Ramsay: "Try imitating being a fucking chef for two minutes." Ha! Cover your fucking ears, kids!
Chef Scott and and Ramsay finally beat the jokester out of Brian, and we check in on Red, where Tiffany, having done all she could to ruin pizza, is now doing her best to ruin the other appetizers. She's burning the blinis, and Dana points it out, and Tiffany says, "Who cares, Dana?" which is fairly inexcusable. Barbie says the only thing she's seen Barbie be passionate about is a cigarette.
Ramsay brings the smoked salmon appetizers back to bitch about the shitty blinis, and Barbie gives them a whirl. She makes them perfectly -- is not shy to say so either -- further angering Tiffany, who really seems to hate having her awful skills shown up by someone who gives a shit.
In Blue, Justin, Clemenza and Brian are doing well on their appetizers, and roll on to entrees. It's Steak Night, and Patrick points out that since the prize is a position at Ramsay's steak place, now's the time to push harder, go past the max, reach over the top, etc. Then he blows the ribeye, which is practically boiled, not seared. Patrick has to fire some more.
In Red, Kimmie's on meat and Robyn's on the grill, so this can only go well. "Robyn is acting crazy as fuck right," says Kimmie. She figures Robyn is still holding a grudge from the high steaks challenge. And their first attempt is brought back by Ramsay because it's so badly done.
An hour and a half into Steak Night, and Red's first entrée is terrible. Well, it's the Robyn portion that sucks. It looks like it was sliced with a spoon, says Ramsay. Meanwhile, Kimmie's filet is perfect. This doesn't go over too well with Robyn, you might well imagine. They both get back to work.
Patrick's second attempt -- "I know I have it in me! I know I'm a special chef!" he tells us -- is much better, earning kudos from Ramsay. That lasts all of about five seconds, because then, following some distraction from Royce who doesn't yell out the order, Patrick is confused over how much meat he's supposed to fire, and a pissed-off Ramsay boots him out to get some fresh air. He goes over and stews for a moment, then goes back and asks for -- and is granted -- permission to come back, from an angry Ramsay.
Likewise, Kimmie and Robyn's second attempt goes over much better. Ramsay still needs them to pick up the pace, leading to some confusion between Robyn and Kimmie with Christina (who's on garnish). When it eventually gets up there, Robyn lies about how long ago she cooked it, but Ramsay isn't fooled, because the fish has more wrinkles in it than he does. Try again, Robyn! It gets less and less easy for her to call attention to how much everyone else sucks when she can't seem to cook anything. In the dining room, the kids seem to be enjoying Ramsay yelling at everybody.
In Blue, Ramsay's all over Patrick, but Brian concedes that he thinks it's because Ramsay sees a lot of potential in Patrick. Potential food poisoning, maybe. The last steak Patrick brings up is practically raw. There's gonna be trouble!
Not surprisingly, Patrick is given the heave-ho, so he goes upstairs and starts blubbering in front of his family shrine. "I keep letting my family down," he says, and I start to feel for the guy. His family's proud of him for making it here, and he wants to do well for them. Plus, in one of the pictures, his kid is wearing the exact same chicken Halloween costume that my daughter wore one year. Wanting to make your kids proud is a pretty powerful motivator. He's worried he's blowing his chance.
But Blue's got entrees to put out, and Justin has stepped in to start firing them out to very satisfied diners. Robyn and Kimmie are still arguing about when to slice, when to run, to the extent that Ramsay pulls them aside to find out what's going on. He solves nothing, but at least they do start to get some food sent out.
In Blue, Royce is on the grill (he's the "Rolls-Royce" of cooking, he tells us, and I may be coming around on Royce. Not because that wasn't a terrible joke, because it was, but because he's so sincere about it). He talks about being one with the meat. In which case, Royce is raw. Well, half-raw, half-perfect, because he serves up one of each in hanger steaks. Ramsay kicks him out, mockingly calling him Rolls-Royce, and Royce doesn't particularly think it's fair.
In Red, Kimmie and Robyn are STILL bickering, like SHUT UP ROBYN AND KIMMIE. Especially Kimmie, but ESPECIALLY ROBYN. Robyn's got the ridiculous "I'm trying to work together, but she won't work with me" attitude. And now Tiffany is screaming at Barbie about something or other. "Look at you all," sneers Ramsay. "What a sad situation." He brings the Blue chefs into Red's kitchen, a situation Dana rightly calls embarrassing.
Kimmie and Robyn, naturally, snipe and bicker at the guys, who are just there to help. I mean, at this point, Red has lost, so it should just be about getting the food out. But Red can't stop backbiting -- well, Barbie, Dana and Christina seem to be doing their best to keep their heads down, but one of the men has to remind the other three that there are kids in the dining room, so they might want to cool it with the "fuck"s and the "bitch"es -- and when some cold steak gets brought to the pass. An angry Ramsay sends Red packing. No one's going to tell HIM he can't say "Fuck off" in a room full of children. Besides, they're all right. Kids today, with the Internet and all. They hear worse from their kindergarten teachers. Christina calls the situation unreal.
Naturally, the fighting continues in the dorms. Robyn keeps yapping, blaming Kimmie for her crappy fish, upsetting Christina, who goes off to sit in the stairwell, and she tells Kimmie she might want to go defend herself.
Lots of bleeps and "bitch!" ensue. Dana at one point seems to be actually enjoying the fracas between Kimmie and Robyn, which is about half a second away from being a fight like you see in a cartoon: just a big ball of smoke with fists and feet sticking out in various places. "It is so ghetto right now," she says, which is ... well, kinda unfortunate. But yeah, it's not exactly an Algonquin roundtable discussion. Christina can't take Robyn's bullshit any longer and yells at her for a moment, at least until Robyn and Kimmie catch their breath. Dana says the reason she's enjoying it is the two of them used to be BFFs, and then Robyn quotes Machiavelli, but I will buy her an entire kitchen of stainless-steel equipment if she could have named, at that moment, who said, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." With a hearty "[Bleep] you! [Bleep] you! [Bleep] you!" from Kimmie, we go to commercial.
After, the shouting and the name-calling continue, at least until Robyn advises Kimmie to "suck a dick" or perhaps "suck my dick." Either way, the rest of Red gasps.
And the Blue survivors, Brian, Justin and Clemenza are working to finish dinner for everybody. Brian says all three of them are strong, so he's not surprised they're the last ones left. A facepainted kid in the dining room squeals that it's so good he wants to come back tomorrow. Well, at this point, he's heard every possible profanity permutation and combination, so he may as well come back.
Debriefing! "Holy crap," says Ramsay. Man, when he doesn't even really swear that badly, that's when you know he's completely flabbergasted. He notes that he started service with eleven chefs and finished with three.
But if Blue thought their last three standing was enough to earn the victory, they're wrong, because Ramsay says there isn't a winning team tonight. He had more passion in the valet parking. Was it those dudes from Ferris Bueller's Day Off? He orders both teams to come up with two nominees to leave. Since we didn't have an elimination last time, can we pretty please have two tonight?
Brian can't believe Blue didn't get the victory. Nevertheless, since they started with five chefs and ended with three, that kinda makes the nomination process a snap, as far as he's concerned. Around the table, he picks Royce and Patrick "for obvious reasons" and Clemenza seconds it. Patrick's resigned, even though he says he's better than this. Royce doesn't seem to think it's too fair, but it's not like he can suggest one of the three guys who closed out for both sides.
In Red, Christina leads off by nominating Tiffany, for all the screaming (not to mention the not-giving-a-shitness). Tiffany, who is possible the least self-aware contestant I've ever seen on this show, tells us she's sick of Barbie's attitude, since they're here to cook, not give attitude. That's true, except I'd like Tiffany to evaluate her cooking job tonight instead of pointing fingers at the person who SAVED HER STATIONS WHILE TIFFANY GAVE HER ATTITUDE. Kimmie votes for Robyn and Tiffany. Robyn votes for herself and Kimmie. That's great, because she gets to pull a martyr routine and tell Kimmie to woman enough to admit to her own mistakes like she's doing. And then they're up in each other's faces again, and we go to commercial with the usual promise of violence that sadly never pans out. Dana says she was wondering who was going to hit whom first. Notice she appears to be the only one NOT doing something to try to prevent that from happening.
The chefs file back into the dining room, where Ramsay rechristens Steak Night as "Disaster Night" and asks Clemenza for Blue's nominations. Patrick for putting out raw meat and having dishes sent back. Second nominee is Royce, for also getting thrown out.
As for Red, their nominees are Tiffany for her appetizers, and Robyn, for lying about when her fish was cooked. Robyn seems surprised that that's coming up, and denies lying to Ramsay. She cops to miscommunication, nothing more. "I've been true to myself about not lying, because that's how my mother raised me," she says, whatever that's supposed to mean. She starts yammering at Kimmie, while the rest of Red stands there, perfectly willing to let Robyn dig her own grave. Robyn talks about how she doesn't give a shit about friends because she's here to work for Ramsay, who can hardly believe what he's seeing.
He orders the nominees forward. Royce says he's got a lot of fight in him, and he's been kicked, beaten and stabbed, but he keeps coming back and getting better every day. "I'm not feeling it," says Ramsay. Patrick says he brings all his passion and commitment and drive, even as he fights through his rust on the line. He says he can command the kitchen, but Ramsay says every time he turns his back, he panics, because he knows Patrick isn't going to deliver the goods.
He asks Tiffany if she cares. Tiffany says the cattiness and her team just sucks sometimes. Tiffany hates it so much that she's one of the worst ones, I suppose. Ramsay asks Barbie why she's shaking her head, and Barbie says she thinks Tiffany doesn't care about standards, techniques or professionalism. Tiffany says Barbie gave her attitude and tells Ramsay this is the kind of cattiness she's talking about. She says Barbie is the weakest on the team and can't run a station by herself. A lot of Red's members seem to chuckle at this, given that Barbie ran TWO stations tonight that Tiffany couldn't handle on her own.
After a final commercial break, Ramsay asks Tiffany again if she cares. She says she does, and he asks her on a scale of one to ten how much. Tiffany, being not very bright, says, "Like, a nine," and Ramsay covers his face with his hand.
Anyway, Robyn says she has more fight in her, and then she claims she has standards that she "drops off" sometimes because she's trying to save someone else. "Whose ass are you saving?" asks Ramsay. Naturally, she says Kimmie. And she blasts a little hate at Christina, too, because Christina can't believe this mess. Robyn says she hates Red's cattiness and that she'd rather be on Blue. (All the members of Blue studiously avoid eye contact.)
After Robyn yells something about giving two-hundred-and-fifty percent, Ramsay says, "Oh my god, this is insane." He reminds Red that they had success after success, and now look at them.
"My decision is: Tiffany and Royce, back in line," he says. That's bad news for Patrick, because this show likes to keep the tension cranked by keeping catalysts like Robyn around.
Patrick surrenders his jacket. "It's not happening. Or if it is, it's not happening fast enough," says Ramsay. They shake hands, and Patrick leaves. "I had high expectations going into this," says Patrick. He figures his family will be disappointed, but at least he gets to go home and see them.
Back in the dining room, Ramsay says based on tonight's performance, he's not done yet. But I'm not going to be fooled again. The Red team now has two more members than Blue, so when he calls Robyn forward to give up her jacket, you know she's headed for Blue. Blue's faces are hard to read. Brian looks like he's nodding in resignation, but he slaps Robyn five as she joins them, so maybe he's just trying to make the best of it.
Ramsay warns Robyn that if she complains about Blue the way she's done about Red, he'll be looking at her and her alone. "Yesss! Good luck to the Blue team!" crows Kimmie. Clemenza, meanwhile, is hoping Robyn will have something to prove to the Red team that they can harness. Robyn tells us she works better with men anyway.
"Patrick talked a good game, but he couldn't back it up with his cooking. So it was time for him to leave Hell's Kitchen," Ramsay tells us.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. At the rate we're eliminating contestants, we could be watching Hell's Kitchen until Christmas this year. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.