We have half the chefs we started with, but I think I hate everyone twice as much as when we started, so it's all balancing out.
Ramsay dismisses the teams, but not without a few jokes about the sheer amount of material required to make a jacket for Clemenza. In the dorms, Robyn makes overtures to Clemenza, because she needs someone in her corner, and Justin and Bryan are too busy fixing their hair in the mirror to be trustworthy. So good job to Robyn for going after someone who doesn't appear to be much hung up about hygiene at all. Obviously, Clemenza feels he's playing her as much as she thinks she's playing him.
Meanwhile, Red is discussing the problems on Blue, with Robyn's ghost a little more difficult to get rid of than you'd think. Christina in particular seems to still have Robyn under her skin.
And then Tiffany strolls over to share a cigarette with Bryan and perhaps bury the hatchet over her commandeering of Blue's kitchen and testicles, and she cares so much that she can't even take the cigarette out of her mouth when speaking to Bryan, so the rapprochement doesn't exactly take root. Bryan thinks she's a "bitch" who "sucks" and it's cruel and unusual punishment just to look at her. Justin pipes up to tell Tiffany to shove it (essentially), and he thinks she's out of her mind.
The morning, a chipper Ramsay says he thought they'd have a little fun with a wing-eating contest. He wants two volunteers from each team, but by "volunteers" he means "people I select," since Justin was the only Blue member who didn't have his hand up. Justin, who frets because he always chokes on his food or something, is teamed up with Bryan against Tiffany and Barbie. Ostensibly they're up against Ramsay, but just as they're about set to start stuffing wings down their gullets, Ramsay reveals that they're actually up against some competitive eater Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, who takes part in the kind of competitions that make everyone outside the U.S. say, "Oh, come on, America."
So the teams of two are up against Joey Jaws alone. Actually, it's possible that all four chefs are a single team, judging from the scoreboard, but it doesn't matter since Joey Jaws wipes the floor with them, Ramsay's $500 prize incentive having no effect. This is despite Dana's wry prediction that if Tiffany can eat wings as fast as she drinks beers, then it's in the bag.
But Joey wins by seven wings, and the cheftestants stumble back to their teams, full of spicy chicken meat and dreams of nearby toilets. But it's time for the blind taste test. "My lips are numb and burning at the same time," Barbie tells us. Red has one more team member, so someone has to sit it out. Kimmie quickly volunteers since she smoked this morning, except, as Dana essentially points out to us, the only time the cheftestants aren't smoking is when they're in the kitchen. Of course, it's not the first time she's absented herself from a competition.
Anyway, up first: Christina and Bryan. He tells us he trained for this, but not with a pound of wings in his stomach at the time. He and Christina put on the earmuffs and blindfolds and get to tasting. Beets first, which ought to be an easy one, and they each get it. Then shallots: they both say onion, which is probably the most understandable taste-test error anyone can make. Turkey: Bryan calls it "very dry turkey" but Christina says "tofu," much to Barbie's chagrin. They end with an easy one, pineapple, and each one gets it. Three to two for Blue, with Ramsay mocking Christina for guessing tofu.
Barbie versus Robyn. Grits first: Robyn says rice, Barbie says cauliflower. Kimmie's kicking herself for sitting out. It's easy to not compete and then point out others' flaws, Kimmie. Both of them miss out on turnip -- Robyn says "pear" while Barbie says "carrot" -- and sea bass -- Robyn: "halibut?" and Barbie: "crab?" Cilantro is the last one, but Robyn says "tarragon" -- REALLY? -- and Barbie gets her first correct answer. Dana's pleased by Robyn's goose egg, and the teams are tied at three.
Tiffany versus Clemenza! Ramsay -- stifling his disgust at Clemenza's wriggling tongue -- feeds them lamb, and they both guess chicken. Then, sweet potato: Tiffany guesses carrot, and Clemenza goes for mango. Eggplant: Clemenza's Italian heritage utterly fails him and he guesses turnip, while Tiffany fumbles around before coming up with green beans. The last one is walnuts, and Clemenza guesses peanuts. But Tiffany gets it right, giving her team a one-point lead.
So it's down to Dana and Justin. The first item: the ubiquitous scallop. Justin gets it, while Dana guesses "tofu." Then it's fig. Both chefs get it right. Radish : Justin gets it, as does Dana. Justin's three for three, and the narrator's reminder that no chef has ever had a perfect score likely wasn't done randomly; still, I was a little taken aback when Ramsay revealed the final ingredient was "sunchoke," mainly because I've never heard of the damn thing. The teams groan when they find out when their teammates have to identify, but Ramsay points out it's in the risotto.
Anyway: Dana guesses carrot (Ramsay can't believe it) so Justin can break the tie with a correct guess. After the commercial, he nails it (unsurprisingly) and Ramsay praises his extraordinary palate. Dana thinks Justin was cheating somehow. Nevertheless, Blue's reward is a day at a waterpark, which they'll have to themselves. As for Red, they're in for, according to Ramsay, the most difficult punishment in the history of Hell's Kitchen. It's delivery day, plus they have to restock both kitchens.
While Blue heads off to change, Red gets to work unloading the first truck, and they stack the boxes in front of the entrance in a feeble attempt to prevent Blue from leaving. This plan is foiled by Blue's ability to MOVE BOXES A FEW INCHES TO THE SIDE and they leave on their waterpark day trip at Raging Waters, where Justin and Bryan race each other and Robyn and Clemenza continue to bond. Meanwhile, back at the kitchen, another truckload shows up, this one with fifty forty-pound bags of ice. Tiffany moans and complains like a champ ("Just shoot me," she whines at one point, and don't tell me most of the audience didn't immediately fantasize about honoring that request). Then her half-assedness causes a bag to spill open all over the kitchen floor, prompting more whining, and I'd given her even odds that the cubes could still wind up in people's drinks. "My life sucks right now," she tells us, like she's got it so rough.
Barbie has grabbed the easy job of moving the boxes and bags from the front of the truck all the way to the back of the truck so the rest of her team can carry them all the way up the stairs and into the kitchen. She does this until Kimmie comes out to call her on the bullshit, with Barbie ill-advisedly clinging to the notion that what she's doing is just as hard. There is some discussion of Kimmie's jogging habits. I mean, obviously Kimmie's not a world-class athlete, but Barbie's on shaky ground playing some kind of "laziness" card here. "Ooh, I wanna hit you so hard, you nasty bitch," says Kimmie. Or more likely cry all over her, Kimmie.
Given that Barbie is now working, you'd think Kimmie would lay off, except she turns up the sarcasm, enough so that Christina has to come out all "GOD SHUT UP" because seriously, Kimmie, shut up.
We watch a deathly dull "Bryan likes the really steep waterslide" montage, and then it's back to the kitchen, with trays of peppercorns that need to be ground, fryers that need their oil replaced, and potatoes that need peeling, and the women are too exhausted or perhaps even conscious to acknowledge the return of Blue, who seem a little tuckered out from all that sun and sliding themselves.
But after Red thinks they're done -- I assume everyone else finds it as hilarious as I do that Tiffany doesn't stop smoking even when she's in a hot tub -- there's another truck outside, honking impatiently. A surly Red team musters the energy to go outside, but it turns out to just be a single, small box that's addressed to everyone. The music amps up and there is much speculation and fretting from the contestants, like it's not going to be ANTHRAX for god's sake (side note: why not anthrax?). Then there is shrieking when the box is opened, and we go to commercial...
...and find out it's an iPad, so you can certainly understand what ALL THE FUSS WAS ABOUT.
Anyway, they play a video of Ramsay who hopes they're having a wonderful time in the dorms before outlining how they're about to get crazy: tomorrow night's dinner service will be Red menu versus Blue menu, and they have one hour to come up with three appetizers, three entrees, and three desserts.
Dana's excited, because she thinks it's a great opportunity to show Ramsay what they're made of. You know, besides cigarette ash and yelling. Speaking of which, the team members are getting along, except Kimmie suggests mussels for an appetizer and gets shot down by Dana. Kimmie whines about how her team always puts her on the back-burner (even though Kimmie does it to herself a lot too). She also suggests a beer-battered crust for the halibut, and no one thinks that's a good idea. She whines about that briefly before reclining into a good, long sulk while the rest of her team comes up with ideas that won't stop your heart.
Over on Blue, Robyn has a myriad of ideas, none of which Justin, Mr. Perfect Palate himself, likes, since they all sound like something you can get at a deli. Lobster roll? Can you get good shellfish at delis now? "I don't really feel like she has a fine-dining sensibility," he says. Justin and Bryan, best friends forever, are muy simpatico, and things are stitched together to look like Bryan loves everything Justin comes up with while Clemenza and Robyn couldn't get snubbed at every turn.
Kimmie's last-ditch suggestion -- barbecue sauce for the ribeye -- is met with horror from her teammates, but then they decide to compromise by coming up with a more high-falutin' name for it.
The morning, both teams get down to work with a lethargic Kimmie unable to do anything without asking everyone else what she should be doing and how she should be doing it, including, mind you, the very barbecue sauce that she volunteered to make. Her teammates' taste-tests of it don't go over very well, although I'm not sure what Christina's problem is when she says all she can taste is honey and Jack Daniels, because that made me perk up IMMEDIATELY. Then Kimmie slops half of her sauce over the stove. Eventually, Christina gives the thumbs-up to the sauce she come up with.
Over in Blue, Clemenza slops some sauce all over his brand-new jacket, and rather than facing another lecture from Ramsay, he heads to the dorms to clean himself up. Only now it's his teammates who are getting annoyed.
And in Red, Barbie is scouring the mussels that we were shown Kimmie suggested but were supposedly shot down, so who knows what's going on? She spends two-and-a-half hours on the mussels, putting her team on edge. Seriously, Barbie! Kimmie wants to hit her again. She's said that so many times it has lost all meaning. Chef Andi is on Red's case to get more plates up to the pass. "My team definitely doesn't respect me as a chef," says Barbie, who shows what an amazing chef she is by heading out for a smoke break, leaving Christina to take over on the mussels that aren't even close to being done yet.
Speaking of not even being done yet, Clemenza's still not finished his jacket. It's forty-five minutes before he gets back.
OK, who's Red mad at now? Tiffany, who doesn't cook the potatoes properly. Dana says they're crunchy, and Tiffany says she'll see what they're like when they're cool. Yes, nothing softens food up like COOLING IT. Tiffany's all, "Whatever, they don't know fine-ass dining like my classy ass do."
Ramsay strides through the kitchen, half an hour before dinner service, to give the approval to all the dishes. He calls Red's mussels washed-out and messy. The beet salad "tastes of dirt." The flatbread is nice, and the pan-seared halibut in lobster-corn broth is nice. And he calls Kimmie's marinated ribeye delicious.
While Red makes adjustments, Ramsay goes to sample Blue's stuff. He says Robyn's crab salad with mango puree is visually like something out of the 1980s. Justin's annoyed, but also pleased, because that was something he specifically said to Robyn during the menu planning.
The ragu carpaccio has no seasoning anywhere. The steak au poivre? Too much onion. The grilled quail that he at first thought was an appetizer is undercooked and full of bone. "I'm about to kick you out of here," he tells Clemenza, for failing to pull the bone out. And we're to be continued. AGAIN.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He's not sure, even with all the great fish out here, that he could tell them apart in a blind taste test. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.