Ramsay tells the teams to "fuck off" but as they leave he makes sure to award Christina three stars, which she appreciates. Kimmie explains that Red team is confident because of the way they're destroying Blue. Meanwhile Patrick is pissed at Royce for suggesting him for elimination, which he calls a punk-ass move.
And the day, Kimmie performs a rap she wrote, which is apparently a thing that she does. And it's horrible enough for us to hear, with at least some beats underneath it, so I can't even imagine the a cappella version. Royce is similarly unimpressed, so goddamn you , Kimmie, for making me agree with Royce on something!
The teams gather in the kitchen for the challenge, and Ramsay blathers on in front of a big gold curtain for a while before revealing what's behind it: A big slot machine, engineered to deliver random ingredients to one member from each team at a time for a steak dish. But since Red has more players, they first have to decide who sits this one out. Obviously, no one wants to volunteer to sit out, so this is the cliffhanger we're going to commercial on.
Except when we come back, Kimmie does just that, with some excuse that's it pointless to have everyone (except her, of course) bickering with each other. "They want to show off their [bleep], let 'em show it," she says. Because why would you want to show off your cooking skills during a cooking competition, I guess.
Patrick and Dana spin the slot machine first, and get flat iron steak, potatoes, mushrooms, spinach and blue cheese, everyone yelling out the results like this is Family Feud.
Christina and Royce, in a rematch of the three-star challenge which haunts Royce to this day (which is a couple of days later, I think). He promises not to stop until she's crying, which I sadly think must be his dating philosophy too. They get: hanger steak, yams, eggplant, asparagus and crab.
Barbie and Bryan: New York strip, celery root, tomatoes, cauliflower and shrimp.
Tiffany and Justin: filet, beets, carrots, zucchini and chorizo. For Justin, these ingredients are further proof of the solely shitty luck he claims to have.
Robyn and Clemenza: rib eye, parsnips, sweet corn, broccoli and bacon. Clemenza figures this is very good, and announces he'd bathe himself in bacon if he could. Frankly, the only astonishing aspect of that sentiment is that I'd just assumed Clemenza was bathing himself in bacon.
But there's a catch for Kimmie: she's not spinning the slot, but she'll be cooking; she has to pick a teammate to go against, cook the same dish, and the team will decided which dish to serve for the competition. Ramsay's prepared to remind her of what each teammate is cooking, making it kinda funny when Kimmie immediately says, "Robyn." Robyn looks surprised, and not in a good way. "She could have chosen anyone, but she chooses her best friend. Now we have to go head-to-head against each other. Whatever, dude. What the fuck ever," says Robyn, whiny as ever.
Kimmie tells Ramsay it's just because she's comfortable with ribeye, and she explains it to us, as she always does for everything, that's it because she's from the south.
The teams get to work, and they have just half an hour to prepare. Royce beats chest over how hard he's going to beat Christina, who seems to be feeling general pressure, not so much angry-Royce pressure. And then: good god, do we have to check in with ALL the contestants? None has anything interesting to say, and the only question seems to be whether Clemenza is going to get his dish to the pass in time. But that's really only because the competition doesn't appear to have any drama going on, so they play up the deadline countdown. I haven't watched every season, but I know that of the ones I have, I've never seen a chef not get the meal to the pass in time.
Anyway, Red still has to decide between Kimmie's and Robyn's ribeyes, so the teammates taste-test and go with Robyn's, which to Kimmie's mind just means they had their minds made up ahead of time. And -- oh, god, she's starting to cry again, something she does an awful lot for a self-professed rappin' Memphis hood gangsta.
Tiffany and Justin face off with the filets. Justin comes up with a truffle thing with chorizo zucchini cake or whatever -- Ramsay loves it. Tiffany stuffed the filet with chorizo and zucchini, which Ramsay calls "dangerous" because the filet is the Rolls-Royce of cuts. He seems to like it though, but gives the edge to blue, and calls Justin's dish his best so far.
Christina and Royce bring up their hanger steaks. Ramsay loves Christina's, marinated in lime juice and red pepper, although he calls the clump of yams a dull mess. Royce works in a steakhouse, though, so he thinks he's got it nailed: he's pan-seared the crab cake with a port wine buerre blanc. Ramsay thinks it's looks pretty good, and everything is done well, except for the undercooked slice of grilled eggplant. He awards a point to Red, so things are tied. "Poor Royce. I feel really bad for him," Christina tells us, before shaking her head.
Flat iron steak, Dana versus Patrick. Dana: grilled steak with sautéed spinach, cabernet reduction with wild mushrooms. Ramsay says it looks a mess and drains off the sauce. He tastes it, calls it ragged and dry, adds that it's her worst-performing dish so far. Patrick's entry is seared steak with roasted wild mushroom and red potato hash. Ramsay makes him taste how salty it is, pointing out the blue cheese would naturally salt things anyway. No points awarded, and Ramsay calls both their dishes ill-conceived. Patrick tells us his wife is always telling him that he salts too much, so he's sure he's going to hear about this one.
Bryan versus Barbie. Barbie's grilled surf and turf, celery root mash, roasted cauliflower and heirloom tomato salad. Ramsay says the steak and shrimp are delicious. Brian's got a New York steak tagliata, rosemary Dijon-crusted, celery root frites. Tomato and shrimp salad. Ramsay says it all works brilliantly, and says it's tough call. Then he gives a point to both teams.
In a shocker, the last round will be a tiebreaker: Robyn versus Clemenza, the battle of the ribeyes. Clemenza's pan-seared steak with glazed charred corn relish and fried parsnips. Ramsay says the steak is slightly undercooked. Gasps as we head to commercial.
After, though, Ramsay says it's delicious, just needs another two minutes. As for Robyn, she's got a coffee and flour encrusted ribeye and frittata. She's feeling the pressure of being up there instead of Kimmie, so no one's going to like what's coming, except people who don't like Robyn* (*I don't like Robyn).: Ramsay says it's seasoned perfectly but overcooked, and the rub is disgusting. "Dreadful!" says Ramsay, awarding a point to Blue.
Now, naturally, Ramsay wants to taste Kimmie's dish. "It is delicious," he says. Robyn insinuates that he's just saying that, and I tend to agree that Kimmie could have served up shit on a plate and Ramsay is going to sow tension and infighting by praising it over Robyn's entry. Then he makes everyone else come up and try it. He tells them they made a bad choice, because that would have given Clemenza a run for his money.
Blue's prize: a day of knife shopping plus dinner at Comme Ça.
As for Red, they're going to unload the side of beef arriving for tomorrow's Steak Night and get it prepped. Kimmie, meanwhile, has heard that her dish would have given Clemenza's a run for its money and taken it to mean her dish would have BEATEN Clemenza's, which isn't exactly what Ramsay said. But that's why she's extra grumpy at having to haul in a frozen half a cow. Dana plays the "the boys should be doing this because we're women and can't lift" card, and then expresses concern for Kiimmie's heavy breathing whilst they carry in the carcass.
The carcass-carrying scene takes forever, as does the tinkly men-be-shoppin' scene at the fancy kitchenware store,
The women butcher the meat and grumble about Robyn. Robyn grumbles that there's no "team" in the Red team, which is a pretty easy position to take when you're the one being blamed for the loss.
The men go for lunch at Comme Ca, and are greeted by a "David Meyers," according to the on-screen graphic. I can only assume that's not the same person as "David Myers," who actually runs the place, since there's no way a first-rate cooking competition show would get that wrong, is there?
My god, what a long, padded-out episode. Time is rapidly slipping away, and we haven't got to a dinner service yet, which I guess explains the "Part 1" part of tonight's episode title. The men burp and fart and presumably talk about pornography or whatever while having lunch, while the women prep the kitchens. Robyn, despite arguably the worst performer in the morning's competition, can't help but keep yapping away, accusing Barbie of using her knife set, but then passive-aggressively passing it off as "everybody gotta respect other people's sets." The rest of the team calls her out on her attitude, but she figures she doesn't have to listen to Kimmie just because Kimmie is three-hundred and fifty pounds.
Robyn, against all common sense, is holding on to the "this is everyone's fault but mine" attitude, and now she can't sleep because Kimmie snores like a buzzsaw. So she bugs out to sleep in the other Red room, only Dana, Barbie and Christina tell her to hit the sofa time. Can you believe it? Just because they don't like being awoken by a hooded figure skulking into the room at 5:30 a.m.?
So she goes out to complain at Tiffany, Royce and Justin about how catty females are, and this is why she doesn't have any female friends. You know, I don't know I've ever heard a woman on a reality show complain about how awful OTHER women are, and that's why she doesn't have any female friends, and felt anything but sympathy for EVERY OTHER WOMAN.
Over in Blue, we see, for the first time, Patrick kneeling in front of pictures of his kids, and praying for himself to win and asking for their prayers for him to win, because that's exactly what the Bible says you should do, right? Pray for selfish ends, right? Oh, quit crying, Patrick. No one's forcing you to be here.
Hey, who haven't we had a problem with before? What other previously unaired characteristics can come into play now? All of a sudden, Justin's a micromanager who gets on people's nerves a little bit, making sure all their stations are ready. And Barbie tattles on Tiffany to Chef Andi because Tiffany's onions are too thick. Tiffany calls Barbie the HBIC: Head Bitch in Charge. "She needs to mind her own business," says Tiffany, which isn't exactly the epitome of team spirit.
Christina's concerned because they're half-an-hour from dinner service, and a fight's breaking out between Tiffany and Barbie. Tiffany warns Barbie not to fuck with her -- or at least, she says it about Barbie in the kitchen somewhat passive-aggressively -- and adds it would help if Barbie could cook on a line before she started running her mouth.
Barbie has no idea why Tiffany is mad, but she's not going to let it get to her. Dana wants everyone to drop the drama at the door. Well, if everyone did that, this show might actually be about cooking, and we can't have that, right?
Ramsay gathers the troops to pump them up for steak night, warning them he'll be paying attention to every little detail, and announcing that Justin's filet mignon will be on the menu. Also, it's Family Night, because WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BRING THEIR KIDS TO HELL'S KITCHEN. Anyway, he advises them not to let kids wait for their food, since they get antsy and, I don't know, shit their pants and cry, or something.
And then Kimmie burns her hand, and starts yelling for a medic. Clemenza walks her out of the kitchen. We don't get much of a look at the burns, but we're told she's suffered very serious grease burns, and the medic won't let her back in the kitchen tonight. "If I can't cook, this is the end for me in Hell's Kitchen," she tells us. Ramsay comes back to see how she's doing, and he seems more angry than sympathetic, wanting to know how she managed to get burns all the way up her arm.
So a whole lot of nothing, no one eliminated, to be continued. But we're promised tonight's episode is totally in our faces, so there's that.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Mmmm. Steak. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.