So do we FINALLY get to find out who got eliminated? This isn't going to become a regular thing, is it? Because I think I speak for everyone when I say how annoying that would be.
The name out of Ramsay's mouth is "Patrick," but it's only to tell him back in line, and then he says the person leaving Hell's Kitchen is Danielle. He thanks her and shakes her hand. While we hear Danielle say she'd like to see Dana win, we see Dana wiping away tears, enough so that Ramsay has to ask what her problem is. Then he asks everyone if they're ready to fight back, and naturally everyone says he or she is.
With a "sweet dreams" and a "fuck off," Ramsay dismisses them. Patrick's annoyed because Ramsay keeps asking him if he's beat and tired, but Patrick, it's only because you're OLD. You're even older than me, and I'm not going on a reality show any time soon.
In the dorms, an upset Christina and Dana talk about the Kimmie-Tiffany-Robyn alliance will be targeting Dana . "It's on, bitches!" Dana says there's no more playing nice. You guys have been playing nice? Of course, Dana is exactly right: Kimmie, Tiffany and Robyn ARE plotting their move. I can only assume Tiffany proposes they all get drunk and then spread inaccurate gossip that causes more friction among themselves.
As for Blue, some guys aren't happy with Patrick's leadership. Well, Royce, anyway. Guy, on the other hand, thinks Royce just talks too damn much. Brian wants Royce to shut up, and we watch while Royce yammers on and on at Patrick with everyone sitting around a table, to the point that Brian and Clemenza try to intervene, and we go to commercial with the implication that Patrick's old ass is about to remove Royce's spine via his throat.
In the end, all that happens is Patrick snaps back at Royce, nobody dies, and then Clemenza starts yelling at everyone to man up and move on. "We are not going to win a challenge if we do not act as one," he tells us.
Things are little cheerier in the morning, with Royce calling out to a just-showered Kimmie that time she can use him as a loofah. Surprisingly, this endears him to no one, and Patrick points out that this is him immaturity that's preventing anyone from seeing him as a leader. That, plus the mental image of Kimmie using Royce as a loofah is going to prevent every viewer from keeping solid food down for the few days.
Another morning, another challenge. Ramsay reminisces about being a young chef in Paris, and how French food was the best, but of course things evolve, right?
Jesus, get to the point. Ramsay's ramblings about food evolution (there are trends in food just as there are in fashion) leads to a parade of food trends, starting with a '50s housewife carrying a jiggly Jell-O mold, and Clemenza appears to want to have sex with her, but don't think the Jell-O didn't catch his eye too. She's also carrying a TV dinner, and Ramsay talks about how these were perfect for eating in front of the "telly," the adorable Brit, but they "tasted of crap."
We skip right over the '60s and land in the '70s with a fondue pot being carried by a hippie, but the kind of hippie who showers every day. She's carrying a fondue pot. Brian appears to want to have sex with her as well as the housewife.
On to the '90s (because the '80s didn't have anything but cocaine and Tab) and here comes some fashion magazine's idea of what one of those rebellious grunge rockers from the Northwest looked like. And what did Nirvana fans all love? Asian fusion, with its wasabi mashed potatoes and such. And who gets to express his desire to bang the heavily-made up grunge chick? Justin!
Ramsay dismisses the models and thanks them for their insight and all the chefs applaud like WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
Eventually, Ramsay comes to the food-as-fashion point. It's Fashion Week, and they're going to be designing a tasting menu for three fashion designers who will judge the challenge.
The designers? David Meister, Amanda Ché and Ina Soltani. Are these people actual things? You know, like fashion things? Clemenza is still horny after the housewife with the Jell-O mold and the TV dinner, and Ramsay has to tell him to stick his tongue back in his mouth.
Each team has to create an appetizer and two entrees: one seafood, one poultry. Meister says he loves swordfish and spicy food, and he wants something healthy. Soltani talks about colorful food, heavy on seasoning because her collection is inspired by the Mediterranean, or something. Ché says something about how she can't have anything unhealthy.
"Guys, we get it: You don't like to eat ever, and all you care about is your image," says Dana. Royce figures he has this wired because he's from Miami, so he knows ALL ABOUT fashion, plus he is Royce, and Royce is awesome at everything.
Their thirty minutes start now, but that's plenty of time to work out what they're cooking and for Brian to have enough time to tell a lobster that he loves it before dumping it in the pot.
Dana's in charge of Red's appetizer; they're also doing a lobster thing. She starts getting a little bossy, to Christina's annoyance.
Clemenza and Royce and Guy are working on the fish entrée. He's working on some puttanesca thing, and he praises Royce's broccolini idea. Robyn and Kimmie aren't quite as in sync. Robyn appears to have ignored Meister's specific swordfish suggestion -- always a dumb idea when the client mentions a specific dish -- and is working on sea bass, it seems. Kimmie acknowledges that sometimes she just shuts down and lets others stomp all over her, which is what's happening now. Her choices of seasoning aren't super impressive or trendy: salt and pepper. Hey, remember when it was all trendy to put salt and pepper on things?
Tiffany and Barbie are working on squab with eggplant and fries, although Barbie's miserable working with Tiffany.
In Blue, Clemenza's a little worried about Guy's potatoes. That's concerning to Clemenza and Royce, who, in talking about how simple potatoes are, seems to have forgotten his less-than-perfect success rate with mashed potatoes.
Anyway, Red's dishes are all done, but Clemenza's swordfish barely squeaks in under the wire with Guy's potatoes holding them up.
And Brian and Justin serve up a seasonal bean salad with lobster, vanilla and fennel foam. Brian calls it "sex on plate" but Soltani doesn't think it looks very visually appealing. I don't think it looks that bad, although I'm not sure about the foam. None of the fashionistas look happy about it (surprise! One expresses an opinion and the others all follow), and Ramsay says it looks like regurgitated vomit. Wouldn't that be vomit that was then eaten and then vomited a second time? That's harsh.
Patrick says he's never "done foam" in his life. Good for Patrick! He doesn't like it and he never will. Meister complains that there's no unified design idea and it doesn't look elegant. Oh, and Ché feels like there's a lot of food there for an appetizer, even though it's like three bites.
Having already shit on how it looks, I can't see the fashion mavens liking the taste, which they don't. They call it bland, nothing special, and Soltani reminds them that she emphasized spices and zest. Meister says he didn't get a "wow" from it.
All the chefs look on in horror, realizing that this is the kind of bullshit judging they're going to get. Well, let's turn to Red's appetizer, a chilled mango broth and jumbo lump crab meat. Soltani calls it visually clumsy and she was looking for something more sleek and chic and elegant. Meister at least seems to not be ready to barf upon tasting it, which means Red winds up with a point. Ramsay praises Dana's well-thought-out dish.
Poultry is . Patrick's got a Moroccan spice-influenced squab with a touch of vinegar, which Brian says "helps to thin the mucous." What the what? Blue Team is dying. Ramsay wryly points out that he's never heard "mucous" used in the description of food. Patrick himself seems to know it was a dumb thing to say.
Speaking of dumb things to say, Meister feels that if you're going to do a sauce, it can't be blob-like because that's not sophisticated. Then the judges taste it, and they call it "interesting," as in, "I don't want to be the first to offer an opinion," and then Soltani says there's no kick to it. Meister says he likes it but he doesn't love it. Roshni says clearly she isn't fashionable, but their comments will make her look differently at plates from now on.
Tiffany's pan-roasted squab with eggplant puree and eggplant fried. Ramsay's all, "Fried? Deep-fat fried?" Clemenza jabbers on about how clearly he loves fried stuff, including eggplant, but it's not the thing to serve to pretentious fashion people.
The fashion people look like they're afraid to be in the same room with it, but try it anyway, despite how -- again -- non-elegant and non-chic it looks.
Despite the horror, the fashionistas really like the dish, except for the gross fried eggplant. Nevertheless, they all pick Blue. Pretentious fashion people or not, if someone is asking for healthy food, you can't make deep fried anything and expect to win.
So it's tied heading into the final dish, the seafood entrée, Robyn and Kimmie's sea bass up against Royce, Guy and Clemenza's swordfish. Guy explains the puttanesca with the saffron and other spices that he wanted to evoke Italy and Spain, and Soltani says something about the personal connection she has to those countries, and makes some eyes at Guy. Christina notices it too. The judges all say it's delicious, although Meister says they just need to refine and edit the presentation. Let me guess: not ELEGANT ENOUGH. Ché says they should lose the sauce too.
Guy says that it doesn't sound like they love it, but as long as he and Soltani keep eye-fucking each other, Blue has this in the bag.
Robyn explains the sea bass with grapes, sprouts and micro-basil. "I'm drawn to it because of the pink and green on the bottom," says Ché, and Meister complains that it needs to be sharper and more precise. Soltani calls it quite bland. "What about spices, what about zesty, what about pungent, what about kick?" she says. In a talking head, Robyn suggests the women come into the kitchen and try to cook in stiletto heels. Huh? Why would they be wearing stiletto heels? It's not like Robyn was. Nice try covering up for your "just salt and pepper" seasoning misfire.
The women are split on Red and Blue, so it's down to Meister to decide which team wins.
After the commercial break, Meister says, "Blue all the way." So Blue wins, and Ramsay reminds Robyn that they asked for something spicy.
Kimmie mutters at Robyn that she's really mad, but when Robyn suggests they talk, Kimmie grouses that she doesn't want to talk now. God, Kimmie needs to get over herself. I realize she's from the Memphis hood and all, but damn.
The men's prize? A couple grand to spend in a Malibu boutique before they go wine-tasting. Tiffany whines that she wanted that prize, because I guess she was looking to add to her collection of spaghetti-string tops with no bras.
While the men leave to go get ready, Ramsay is still having a go at Robyn and Kimmie for their lack of spiceitude. Kimmie tries to say she wanted more spice in there, and Ramsay says she should have spoken up more. Kimmie is now actually crying, which is awfully hood of her.
The women have to get the dining room set up for Fashion Night, including making centerpieces and hand-building a runway. They're working while the men, changed and ready for their shopping spree, stroll through. Robyn yells, "Have fun being girls!" which doesn't bother them a bit.
They go to a place called M. Frederic, and Brian wants to have sex with the personal shopper who greets them, like this whole thing today where the men act like humpy little horndogs around every woman who appears on the show is really off-putting. While Brian does his best to sexx up the personal shopper, the rest of the guys clown around, and Roshni feels like royalty, all glammed up wearing $800 worth of clothes.
Meanwhile, there is much grunting and straining as Red Team carries in the pieces of runway. Robyn gallantly volunteers to stay in the kitchen and screw pieces together. She thinks "multiple-task" is a verb, but she's clearly doing it to get out of the heavy lifting. And she's not even good at it either.
Christina's getting increasingly frustrated with her sad-sack team carrying in the runway pieces until she finally just gets annoyed enough to stomp off. But it's a really trumped-up crisis, because I think there was just one piece left to come in, and once that's in place they all blow off some steam by strutting down the runway. And at this point you realize that there's only ten minutes left and you remember the channel guide called this "Part 1 of 2," which is ridiculous since it's Tuesday now.
Meanwhile, the men are chugging wine like the world is ending tomorrow, with Patrick showing off the wine knowledge that he gained from three years of living in Napa. In a shocking twist, his teammates aren't wowed by Patrick acting like a know-it-all.
Let's check in with Red -- well, Tiffany is farting, belching and snort-laughing, to the disgust of absolutely everyone, including James, who looks like he wants to put a Hazmat suit on.
After Blue Team returns, strolling the runway and waving their shopping bags around, the Red Team gathers in the dorms, wondering how to solve a problem like Kimmie. No one's sticking up for her. Even Tiffany's keeping quiet, because all the focus on Kimmie has kept everyone from remembering she deep-fried the eggplant.
Kimmie ignores the "stupid Kimmie is stupid" discussion going on, ignores Robyn's entreaties to talk about it, and climbs into bed. "I got crazy bitches on my team," she says.
In fact, both teams crash early. Then Clemenza gets up at 5:15 A.M. and decides to wake everyone else up too. The justification, I guess, is that it's his dish on the menu. I still say he could let everyone have a couple more hours.
Eventually, the teams get to prepping (while the fashion models start ... fashioning?), with Clemenza riding everyone a little harder than he ought to, and the bickering starts bubbling up.
Over in Red, Kimmie is still bitching/refusing to talk about the salt-and peppertastrophe of yesterday, that ends with Kimmie stomping off into the dorms, the tears flowing again. That's just how they roll in Memphis, I guess. "If I could hit her, I would," she says. Instead, she hits the floor-mounted heavy bag a bunch of times. It would look more like she's training were it not for the cigarette hanging out of her mouth.
At some point she returns to the kitchen, and thing we know it's almost time for dinner service. Ramsay strolls in and tells Robyn he needs some more consistency from her. She screwed her team in the challenge but it's time to move on, he tells her. She mutters that she didn't screw her teammate though, because she and Kimmie are both doing that "Let's just move on -- after I get my last crack in" thing.
Ramsay gathers the chefs for a pep talk and instructions. The first catwalk will occur before they've served the appetizers, then the second part happens after, then it's time for entrees.
"If there ever was a night that timing was absolutely critical, it is tonight," he says. And since the finesse on the plates is so crucial tonight, he's bringing up a chef from each team -- Kimmie from Red and Royce from Blue -- to help plate.
Moments away from opening, Ramsay reminds Red Team that as soon as the last model leaves the catwalk, they go on appetizers. Then he heads over to Blue to find ... Clemenza cooking scallops? "We're not even open yet!" Ramsay says in disbelief. Clemenza's wasted four portions already. Ramsay asks him if he wants to go home. He says he doesn't. We won't know until Monday.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Give me fried eggplant, and you can keep your fennel foam. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.