We're in the throes of fashion night. Models are getting dressed and made up, while the Red and Blue Teams are getting ready for service.
And, oh yeah, Clemenza is cooking FOUR PORTIONS OF SCALLOPS without dinner service having even started yet.
Everyone up to speed? Good. The fashion show starts, with the women walking down the catwalk and the Blue Team in particular struggling to not immediately have sex with all of them, because that's how manly they are. In the Red kitchen, Dana is staring at the models while also telling us that she doesn't want the models looking at the chefs. It's cute that she thinks the models have any idea the chefs exist. We only briefly get a hint of Dana's insecurity issues before we whisk over to Tiffany, who figures if she lost nine thousand pounds and didn't eat, she could be a model too.
But she should try being a cook first. She's arguing with Barbie over how to cook scallops, and Tiffany does it her way (resulting in a lot of yelling as well as raw scallops).
In Blue, Justin and Roshni are on appetizers and Clemenza's on fish, and they get their orders out great, but there's trouble brewing as Clemenza suddenly needs to get sixteen scallop orders down. It's like he's the boat and the scallops are the wave in the movie poster for The Perfect Storm.
Tiffany's second set of scallops is fine by Ramsay, so we switch over to appetizers, where Robyn is bugging the hell out of Dana and Christina, who seem to be doing fine on their own. Red side has got all their appetizers out, only twenty-two minutes into service. That's putting the pressure on Blue, because appetizers need to finish up before the second part of the show. Clemenza's scallops, though, are coming out slowly (because he can only cook six orders at a time) and badly (because he's overcooking them). Ramsay yells a lot until someone agrees to help out, which is Guy, offering to fire scallops on the other side of the stove. And then they're overcooked again. Gonna be that kind of night.
Ramsay tells Royce to warn the fashion show producer that they need an extra five minutes. Royce ventures backstage and a disgusting sproing sound symbolizes the boner that Royce tells us he got when he saw all the models. Heroically, he manages to deliver his message -- received with much more gravity than a five-minute delay really should -- and gets back to the kitchen, and is hoping for a date with one of the models, which I hate to tell him would have to mean that they didn't all instantly forget about him the second he left.
Speaking of the world's greatest heroes, Brian hops on to help Clemenza with scallops, and the Blue Team gets all its appetizers out, and Ramsay tells James to give the go-ahead for the second part of the show. He wants the entrees to start heading out as soon as the last model staggers off the catwalk.
Robyn hates Barbie's allegedly fake glasses and the fact that she can't remember what the first order is. Patrick promises Ramsay they'll redeem themselves, with Ramsay looking like he's forgotten who Patrick even is.
The second part of the show is swimwear, which means we get lots of shots of the men staring slack-jawed and drooling at the models (including an annoying interview with Patrick, where his pupils appear to be digitally enlarged). Guy says he refuses to be distracted, but then -- with a fuzzy, Dreamweaver border on the screen -- he stares at the women too, while his pan catches fire and starts charring the filet steak. Ramsay orders everyone to get a grip.
Robyn's on the filet in Red, and she's already warning that the beef won't be ready in time when Ramsay wants it. But then she serves it up and Ramsay tells her it's perfectly cooked.
In Blue, Clemenza's on fish and Guy's on meat. Despite it being Clemenza's own dish, he screws up the swordfish (delivered by Justin, who warns Ramsay it's hot). Ramsay dryly points out it's supposed to be hot, because it's a kitchen, and he calls Justin a doughnut. Both those things are true, I imagine. Clemenza manages not to rubberize his swordfish, and the entrée gets out.
But now Robyn screws up some beef, and she's out. She asks her teammates to get her some from Blue kitchen. Tiffany's too scared to, as is Dana. Christina seems no-nonsense about it, but then after she sneaks over to the back of Blue kitchen, she loses her nerve and doesn't want to get reamed out by Ramsay (being rather conspicuous in a Red jacket in the Blue kitchen), so she goes back and tells Robyn that Blue Team wasn't answering her. The notion that since Robyn screwed up her meat she should get her own damn meat replacement doesn't come up.
Finally, with more beef orders coming in, Robyn finally has to come clean to Ramsay that she's got none left. He's not a fan of her idea to get some from Blue, either. "It's a competition, you silly cow," he yells at her, and then he makes her go out to the dining room with James to inform the table they're out of beef and suggest swordfish or pigeon instead.
Christina heads over to fish to help Tiffany, who then treats her like the hired help. Taking it in, Barbie says it's strategy so Tiffany doesn't screw things up.
In Blue, Guy's got a lot of beef orders. He serves one up that Ramsay says is cold (Guy disagrees, calling it warm, but certainly not to Ramsay's face), so he's got to try again.
Meanwhile, Red's swordfish is likewise cold. Dana says Christina cooked it but Tiffany left it there to cool before sending it up to the pass. Ramsay yells at Red until Tiffany finally admits to being the one bringing the fish up (making sure to remind him, though, that Christina cooked it). Christina, for her part, says it's Tiffany's station, so food doesn't leave until Tiffany gives it the OK.
At the pass, Kimmie seems to be struggling to keep up with plating, at least speedwise. But her plates look good. Royce is similarly intimidated by plating in front of Ramsay. Fortunately he's got his outsized belief in his own plating skills, only briefly in doubt when Ramsay makes him sit down for wiping tables, in front of guests, with a rag that looks it recently came from the gangrened limbs of a wounded soldier. Ramsay quickly ends Royce's timeout but threatens violence if he wipes the plate with that rag again.
And we're into the third part of the fashion show. The models seem to be mostly clothed, so thankfully we're getting a reprieve from the raging boners of the Blue kitchen. Both teams have a moment to regroup and prepare to wrap up the service, at least until Ramsay finds, in the back of Blue, a tray of about a dozen cooked swordfish. Clemenza's in trouble again. As is Royce, who apparently called for "sixteen plus one" swordfish, and Clemenza cooked eighteen, and somehow they're left with eleven on a tray. Ramsay seems more baffled than angry (but he's also plenty angry).
At the debriefing, Ramsay tells them Fashion Night wasn't perfect, and was careless team. But the Red Team had the edge, for completing their apps ten minutes ahead of Blue Team (hilariously, this is despite Clemenza firing scallops before the dining room even opened). Ramsay tells Royce he could take some plating lessons from Kimmie. Robyn winks at Kimmie, and the two are best friends again. Robyn even leaps on Kimmie's back to be carried into the dorms.
As for Blue's eliminations, Patrick nominates Clemenza, who objects, but Royce, Justin and Brian all agree. Royce, unsurprisingly, does it as douchily as possible by comparing Clemenza to a kindergartner that you give a spanking to, and I think we can all agree that Royce as a teacher would be an even greater threat to society's well-being than Royce the chef. Clemenza vehemently disagrees, says more than half the entrees went through his station, or some bullshit reason.
In Red, Robyn isn't content with the victory (despite Robyn, it must be noted) so she pulls Christina into the bedroom to demand to know why Christina wouldn't let Robyn help her. The real tragedy of Red winning is that I don't get to hope Robyn's going home. She's actually pissed at Christina for not letting Robyn help, despite the fact that Christina did fine and Red won.
Anyway, Blue's second nominee? Justin nominates Guy, and Guy says beef can be "tricksy." Patrick agrees, but Guy tries to shift some of Clemenza's blame to Brian, who's rather pissed, given how he actually kinda saved Clemenza's ass. Brian punches the bag, yells a bit, and sits back down.
Clemenza's got another idea: Patrick, he says, instead of running around helping everyone, he should have helped Clemenza when Clemenza was slammed with fish. Royce tells us he thinks it's not a bad suggestion, but we all know that part of Royce's deal is that he thinks he should be leading the team himself. So everyone wants to know who Roshni thinks should go. She hems and haws, and we don't see what she decides.
The teams come back into the dining room, and Roshni tells Ramsay their first nominee is Clemenza, for all the hiccups in fish. And because we have to draw this out as long as possible, Roshni has clearly been told not to simply announce who the second nominee is, but to tell Ramsay that they're having a hard time deciding between Brian and Guy.
When we get back from commercial, Roshni finally says Guy is the second nominee. Jesus, of course.
Ramsay asks Guy -- who's up there for the second time in a row -- why he should stay, and Guy talks about all the fight he has. Ramsay asks him flat-out if he's a better chef than Clemenza. "Clemenza can cook, but I'm a better chef, yes, Chef," says Guy.
Ramsay asks Clemenza why he should stay, and Clemenza talks about how it was his dish on the menu tonight. Unremarked-upon: so why did you screw it up so badly?
Ramsay asks Justin who should go home. Ramsay says Clemenza. Ramsay asks Royce, and Royce says the same thing, prompting a worried Clemenza to start babbling about how he gives a hundred percent. Patrick, looking like he's rather say Guy because Guy nominated Patrick for elimination, also says Clemenza. Roshni? Clemenza. Brian? Clemenza.
Clemenza's reasons, pouring out of his mouth as fast as he can think of them, for staying now include the fact that he's chased animals and chopped down trees. He says he's never stopped and is always helping everyone. He whips around and tells his teammates that he still puts out better food than they do.
Ramsay says Clemenza has done well but had a bad night, and asks Clemenza if he's done. Clemenza says he'll put out another dinner service right now if Ramsay asks him to.
Ramsay's decision? Clemenza. Everyone waits for it ... and sure enough, Clemenza's ordered back in line, drawing applause and high-fives from the Red Team.
Guy surrenders his jacket, thanks Ramsay for the opportunity. Ramsay thanks him for his hard work.
Ramsay advises Clemenza to use the passion that he has, and Robyn tells us Clemenza has more heart than anyone else on Blue. Royce acknowledges Clemenza has passion but he needs to be better organized. As for Clemenza? "I found out who my friends are," he says, bemused by the fact he got more love from the Red Team.
"Guy's performance in Hell's Kitchen has been extremely inconsistent. And that's why I know he's not the guy to run Gordon Ramsay Steak." Grooooan. Well that, plus Ramsay knows the entertainment potential in sending Clemenza back a team full of members that just knifed him.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Right now, the episode in which Robyn gets eliminated will have to be pretty awful otherwise to earn anything but an A grade. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.