Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 25 (8 in the first five minutes -- marvelous restraint on Ramsay's part, I must say)
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 54 (27 of which take place in the first five minutes, thanks to Joey Pottymouth ovah heah)
Previously: Shrimpstravaganza! The Red Team really sucks -- not helped at all by fat, lazy loudmouth Robert. God, I hate that guy. Also, Tenille sucks because she serves raw shrimp to pregnant ladies and therefore hates fetuses. The Blue Team really sucks, too, in some part because Van and Joseph have rage issues. Both teams failed and were asked to nominate two people for elimination. The Red Team nominated Lovely and Tenille. The Blue Team, under Joseph's sage guidance decided not to follow the rules. So it was less nomination and more Joseph throwing down his apron and inviting Ramsay to throw down. Dear Lord, these circus sideshow credits are stupid.
Back to the elimination: Ramsay asks Joseph to name the two contestants on the chopping block. Joseph shirks that responsibility, saying his nominated teammates can speak for themselves. This rankles Ramsay, so he calls Joseph a smartass and says he asked him the questions. Joseph names Tony and Andy straightaway, skipping the explanation. Ramsay calls him stupid and reiterates that he wants him to state the first nominee and why. Joseph again gives Ramsay a big ol' "eff you" by saying that he doesn't need to explain why because the men had a conversation and settled things among themselves. He's all "No peer pressure! We're men!" Ramsay snarls, "What do you want? A fucking medal?" And now's the time to sit back and watch a fireworks show! Ramsay gets in Joseph's face for mouthing off and orders him to follow the rules, dropping a shitstorm of swears and insults. Joseph goes absolutely nuts, saying, "I ain't no fuckin' bitch, Chef. I don't give a fuck. I ain't no bitch." Ramsay is baffled by this outburst, so Joseph repeats it to him, albeit even more grammatically incorrectly: "I'm not no bitch." So, just so we're clear here, Joseph. Are you or are you not a bitch?
Robert tries to assuage him, saying that Ramsay is only trying to bring the best out of him, and another contestant tells him to show some respect. He promptly tells her to shut her fucking mouth. Nice. Ramsay tries to get them back on task, but Joseph is well past the point of no return. He rips off his jacket and stomps up into Ramsay's face, so much so that a couple of bouncer types appear as if from nowhere to make sure Ol' Highlights doesn't get punched. Ramsay doesn't back down, though, laughing off the notion that he would be scared by Joseph's high school-level aggressive antics. Ramsay returns to the point that all he wanted was a simple question-answer format but Joseph couldn't even do that. Joseph tells Ramsay to go fuck himself several times, adding that Ramsay is a bitch. Ramsay firmly tells Joseph that he has no respect and to get out. It's actually the calmest I've even seen Ramsay. Joseph storms out of the room and into his exit interview, spewing a blue streak. The words "bitch" and "fuck" are prominently featured, in case you couldn't guess.
Ramsay kicks aside Joseph's apron aside and says it's a shame. Back to the business at hand. We still have to eliminate one contestant. The nominees: Lovely, Tenille, Tony and Andy. Both of the men failed at their respective entrée stations (fish and meat). Ramsay asks "Dumbo" Lovely why she failed. She foregoes answering his question, spitting out some nonsense about her drive, passion, and strength. Tenille admits she messed up a single shrimp but otherwise insists she is a good chef. Andy tries to justify his chicken nugget disaster by saying he has the potential in him to be great. Tony says, and I quote, "I love to make things taste... uh... really good." Well then! Ramsay drops his head and massages his temples in frustration before announcing that Tony will be the one to go. I guess his passionate plea just wasn't enough. Who woulda thunk? Tony makes a graceful-ish exit... until he claims he has "the palate of a god." See! That's what he should have said a few seconds ago.
Ramsay reassigns Robert to the men's team and bids everyone good night. The contestants can barely contain their excitement titters as they go back to the dorm and marvel at Joseph's tornado of rage-sanity. They also discuss the change-up with Robert and the men perpetuate this nonsensical farce that he's a talented chef with drive and ambition, who will help their team instead of just being himself -- a useless lump. Robert also says that he doesn't care whether he's "on the Red Team, the Blue Team, the Black Team, the Pink Team... the team with no shirts on." And I don't even think I need to write the joke one for that one. Plus I couldn't if I wanted to because I'm too busy dry-heaving.
Just as the contestants settle into their REM cycles, a fire alarm sounds, and everyone must run downstairs, where firemen are congregating. Ramsay quickly informs them it was only a drill. Andy says that "Hell's Kitchen is like this really cruel joke that your friends are playing on you." I sometimes feel that way, too, Andy. Ramsay introduces the challenge by noting how much preparation and teamwork the firefighters behind him demonstrate -- as opposed to the numbskulls in front of him. As such, the teams will be serving a fresh pasta meal (chicken Alfredo, meatball marinara, and a garlic bread appetizer) to the brigade of ravenous firefighters. The team wins that feeds its side of the dining room first.
Everyone on the Red Team recognizes that they need this win like a fat kid needs cake. (Yeah, I dragged that one out of the vaults.) Announcer man reminds us that teamwork is paramount in this challenge. As the ladies begin their service, it quickly becomes clearly that Lovely is not going to be the VIP today (or any day). Her need to pee and brush her teeth is really messing with her garlic bread-making abilities. She stumbles, disoriented and mutters a bit. It's not promising. Doing the same, pretty much, over in the men's kitchen is Andy, who is also tasked with making garlic bread. He miffs his teammates and Ramsay by not using all the ovens to expedite the service.
Twenty minutes in, the firefighters are getting feisty because they haven't even gotten food -- not even garlic bread, for criminy's sake. Seriously, you slather it and toast it. Ramsay rechristens Lovely "Irritating" because of her ineptitude. Luckily, Ariel steps in to help with that complicated two-step process and gets things moving along. Firefighters cheer. God, they've been broken down already. This show is like a social psychology experiment on 'roids. Over in the blue kitchen, Andy's also having trouble with his bread vis-à-vis his ovens. Even though the others have the pasta ready, he's holding them up. Robert takes every opportunity to talk shit behind Andy's back. Because that's all he's good for. And Van channels a labor coach in his interview, telling his teammate, "Push, Andy, push!" Yuck.
Thirty minutes into the challenge, the firefighters on the red side have gotten garlic bread. What an accomplishment! Especially since the Blue Team hasn't even gotten that far. Eventually Andy gets his shit together, and the toasted bread goes out. Announcer man deems this hurdle "The Garlic Bread Debacle." I am totally naming my fake garage band that. We'll be the opening act for The Nelly Yuki Project. As the men starting turning over their entrees, the women try to pull ahead by shortchanging the firefighters on their pasta dishes. Ramsay goes all Palin and claims that this insignificant act is an affront to all of mankind and a sign of disrespect for men who save lives. For shame!
Those obstacles over, the Blue Team has six tables left, and the Red Team has four. It's a race to the finish. The women maintain their two-table lead until they have only one ticket to finish. Then a firefighter complains about an undercooked meatball, courtesy of Tek. She worries that this slip-up will lose the whole challenge for them. Likewise, the men start thinking they might have a fighting chance as they even it out. Both teams have one ticket left. In the end, though, the women send out their dishes first and secure a much-needed victory. Robert sour grapes about being a loser. You think he'd be used to it by now.
Ramsay thanks the hardworking firefighters for coming to Hell's Kitchen in the middle of the night to carbo-load, and there's some God Bless the USA schmaltz as they exit the building. Afterward, Ramsay tells the women that their prize is a luxurious spa day, to which they will travel by helicopter. Lovely wastes no opportunity to take undue credit and gloat her ass off. "We [sic], like, whipped they butts. Smack it, slip it, we beat 'em and there's nothin' more they can say. Helicopter. Ohhhhh!" On the other hand, those loser guys have to wash and wax the firefighters' trucks, then clean the dining room. They head outside, and the women breeze by with the requisite face-rubbing. Andy sasses back, "Don't be afraid to ask them to peel that hair off your upper lip, either." Wow. You just can't teach class like that.
While the women indulge in their day of pampering, Dave injures his hand while cleaning the truck. He keeps it secret from the other guys -- because that's totally not gonna come back and bite him in the ass later. And the bad luck continues as Kevin rolls both ankles walking into the restaurant. They summon the medic on set, and Dave comes clean about his rapidly swelling wrist and his lack of sensation in his fingers. Yikes! It actually looks pretty bad. Everyone agrees that losing two contestants is bad for both the players themselves and the team.
Later, the ladies and the walking wounded return. Dave suffers from a torn FCR ligament and fractured wrist. Kevin has stretched his ligament in one ankle, on which he has to wear a boot, and has severely fractured the other. Nevertheless, they both claim they'll work through the pain and cook at the service. Predictably, the mood on the Blue Team is grim as a new day dawns on Hell's Kitchen. As for the ladies, Ariel thinks this is her opportunity to shine.
Ramsay convenes everyone and tells the ladies to put their team effort from yesterday into today's service. He asks the injured guys how they're doing, and they both claim they're aces. Ramsay announces that one member from each team will be waiting on customers tonight. Before he can announce his choice for the guys, Dave the "One-Arm Bandit" volunteers. He claims he can use both hands, but those trays can get really heavy. I predict many dropped trays. For the Red Team, Ramsay picks Lovely. He leads the teams in a chant of "Tonight, we must complete the dinner service!" I'm not holding my breath.
Service begins, hopeful as ever. Doomed as ever. On appetizers, Van immediately takes the reins in the blue kitchen by screaming like a maniac. Ramsay doesn't take kindly to that but gives a resounding approval to his risotto. Can Tenille echo that culinary success in the red kitchen? Yeahhhhhh... that'd be a no. Her translation of "sauté these scallops" appears to be "drown them in boiling oil." Tenille gets territorial when Suzanne takes exception to this. But, soon enough, so does Ramsay. He makes her start over. Scallops prove problematic in the blue kitchen, as well, as Robert spins his wheels. Van, trying to help, puts about 45 scallops in one pan. No surprises here as Robert takes every opportunity to play Monday morning quarterback. Soon enough, Robert gets his karmic retribution as Ramsay curses him out over the scallops. Robert learns nothing and blames his gimp teammates.
Over in the red kitchen, Tenille takes some heat for putting up scallops with no color. Suzanne smugly explains that this is what happens when you use too much oil. Tenille makes a grievous error by putting the rejected scallops back in the pan. Several people start directing-slash-screaming at her, and she gets overwhelmed. It ends with a pan full of grease flaring up and Ramsay screaming that she's going to set the place on fire.
Dinner service is 35 minutes in, and the men have gotten all their apps out. The women, however, are stalled, no thanks to Tenille. Ramsay comes over to smother the grease fire and stops screaming long enough for Tenille to collect herself and rally. Naturally, she blames the others for getting in her way. The women try to catch up as the men start sending out entrees. Food is now flying out of both kitchens. Or so we're told. The only one who hasn't hit her stride is Lovely, who took 45 minutes to get the first ticket into the kitchen. She claims it's because Jean-Philippe sent her to get a special bottle of wine. Ramsay takes her aside as she returns from fetching the wine and calls her an imbecile for being so slow.
Soon enough, the women are in the weeds again when Amanda miscounts the number of lamb chops she needs to complete an order. Ramsay has to give Amanda a math lesson. Turns out, three times three is not six! Also, he calls her a "stupid, thick bitch." For my money, the harshest thing he's ever said to a female contest. Then he reams out everyone for serving inferior lamb. Across the divide, though, the lamb is perfectly cooked and served as gimp-ankled Kevin takes the lead for the Blue Team. They only have four tables left and, miraculously, Dave hasn't dropped a plate.
Under Ariel's leadership, the women muddle through, just hoping to complete the dinner service. Then the men stumble when Robert forgets to fire a salmon. This puts them 12 minutes behind, which helps the women get to their last ticket. It's another race to the finish, and again the women complete their service first. Do we seriously need any more proof that Robert sucks?
Ramsay, holding customer comment cards in his hands, gathers the cooks afterward. He tells them he's not ready to celebrate, even though both teams completed service. He tells the Red Team that they receive an 81% "Above Average" score, while the Blue Team received 83%. So, despite their last-minute sprint to the finish, the women lose. That's gotta smart. Ramsay calls out Lovely and taps Ariel as the best of the worst and, thus, the one to nominate two teammates for elimination. And so the politicking begins. Tenille admits that she screwed up but says she persevered and climbed out of the hole. She name-checks Amanda for holding the team up on fish and chicken. Ariel approaches Amanda, who notes that Lovely is generally weaker than she is. And, you know, sucks at life and whatnot.
The teams gather, and Ariel nominates Lovely first for her lack of experience. Second on the chopping block is Tenille due to her failure to live up to her potential. Ramsay calls them forward. Tenille admits she was demoralized at service, but claims it was because her team didn't believe in her. She still contends she's one of the strongest contestants. Ramsay again chastises Lovely for taking 45 minutes to get the first ticket into the kitchen. She points out her high customer satisfaction marks and composure under pressures. Ramsay wonders if she's in over her head. She claims her passion will win out. Ramsay prefaces his announcement by saying he doesn't think either of them has a shot in Hell('s Kitchen) of winning.
He calls Lovely forward first but tells her to step back in line. Then he calls Tenille, dangling the ax over her head as he tells her to "Wake up! Big time." Then he tells her to get back in line. He tells all the contestants that Joseph's self-elimination was a gift to them, because he's not sending anyone home. He tells them all it's their last chance, then snarks, "I'm nobody's bitch!" He sends them off, calling out to Amanda to ask what 12 times three is. By rote, she says nine, then realizes what a frigging idiot she looks like and laughs at herself as she shouts out the correct answer: 36. Ramsay is stupefied.
week: Van continues his maniacal march to mediocrity. The prize remains the same. Robert flips his shit. And Dave has a tough decision to make.
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