Thanks to Lady Lola for covering for me last week. And I see we got rid of Joseph (no surprise there) and Tony (so we can stop arguing about which celebrity he looked like -- although it was totally Rick Moranis).
Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 29
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 48
Sous Chef Scott's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 2, although we saw them multiple times
Lovely claims that the reason she didn't get sent home is that Gordon loves her, although I think it's more likely that he wanted to keep the pace of one chef being sent home per show. Meanwhile, Tennille is mad at Suzanne for nominating her, and goes directly from bragging about how much integrity she has to telling Suzanne to kiss her ass. Tennille yells at us a bit more in an interview, explaining that Suzanne cannot be a leader because "a leader don't get slapped in they mouth like Suzanne about to." On the blue side, Van is talking smack about Andy. Also, Van is heavily tattooed. Just thought I'd mention it.
The morning, the chefs assemble in the dining room to get their challenge. On the news that she and Suzanne will be partners, Tennille shouts at us that she dislikes her more than she's ever disliked anyone. Yeah, yeah. At least Suzanne doesn't SHOUT EVERYTHING SHE SAYS. Also partners: Van and Andy, Robert and Jim, Ariel and Sabrina, Kevin and Dave, Tek and Lovely. And Amanda will be sitting out. Scott and Heather bring in a string of sausages. Three of the red team have never made sausages before, which prompts Gordon to talk about how the Blue team is "comfortable with their meat." He tries to bait Tennille into his risqué joke by asking her how thick she likes her sausage, but she cheerfully tells him she doesn't like sausages. Zing! Van, what's the secret to a good sausage? Van is happy to participate, and explains how to keep your hands steady while you pump it slowly. Yes, yes. Anyway.
The point is that they'll be making sausages that must be 6 inches long with precise width. One member of each pair will be feeding the meat into the squeezy thing (sorry for the technical terminology there) while the other operates the sausage skin. The winning team will be the first one that gets six strings of six sausages each. Go! Suzanne and Tennille look like they're working together pretty well, and their first string is approved. Dave and Kevin (both of whom are injured, remember) are the first from the blue team. The women are soon up 3-1, which means that only Kevin and Dave have gotten a string done while the entire red team has done it. Robert and Jim are falling behind because the sausage keeps splitting. It could be because Robert is pushing the meat too hard, but he complains that he doesn't like being stuck with a half-ass like Jim. I think Robert needs to face the fact that Jim's ass is the right size. Robert is actually about a 250% ass. The score gets up to 4-4 (Van: "Blue Team! Failure is not an option!"), then 5-4 for the women. Ariel brings up her and Sabrina's string, but they're deemed too thin. Lovely brings up her and Tek's string, and the women win. Bam! I guess failure was an option! And it was refreshingly drama-free.
Gordon accurately lays the blame on Robert and Jim, who failed to contribute anything. Not a sausage. Their punishment is to clean the dorms, and it seems kind of early in the season for this to be a real punishment. Gordon explains the reward for the red team: "I've prepared a party for you. German style." Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this some kind of kinky sex term? Oh, wait. Gordon just means there will be beer. Okay, carry on.
As Kevin starts cleaning, he complains a bit about Robert and Jim not completing any sausages. Suddenly! Robert goes apeshit! I'd transcribe the few minutes, but it's pretty much all bleeped out. I think Robert is taking exception to Kevin talking about him. He says "Don't make me a horse's ass" at one point, but I think that ship has sailed. That's right, the horse's-ass ship. Has sailed. I'm standing by my metaphor. Robert tells us that he's been told he's a loser all his life, but he's a winner. Oh yeah? Then how come you just lost? Here's a tip: when Van is telling you to "Keep it together, y'all," you're probably out of line.
The women go outside the restaurant, where there is an oompah band and a party bus. The men clean and complain. The women arrive at "Old World Village," where they're welcomed by Jean-Philippe and a second oompah band. There are a lot of sausages, and Tennille claims to now be converted to sausages. Robert complains a lot about how he's tired of being a loser (and also that Jim was slowing him down, although it looked to me like their problem was that they were trying to go too fast). Sous Chef Scott tells him that's an admirable attitude, although it would be nice to see some of that fire during the actual challenges, rather than the part where they're complaining about their loss. Robert throws down his broom and goes apeshit again. "I almost died last time for this [bleep]" and then there are more bleeps and something about Fred Astaire. He breaks the broom and generally acts like a baby.
The day, the women appear to be happy. The men are worried. Jim: "We got Dave and his wrist. And we have Kevin and his ankles. And Robert and his morbid obesity. So a lot of things weighing against us." Dave vows to do his job, even if it means permanent damage to his wrist. I'm not sure that's a good plan. And indeed, he's called to the dorm for a call from the doctor. The MRI shows a fracture and he'll need to have his thumb immobilized. Dave tells us that he gave up everything to be here and that he'll never get another chance like this in his life. I don't know why not. I mean, Robert came back. Maybe one season will just be full of people who had to leave for medical reasons. Speaking of which, why exactly is this show so dangerous? It seems like you're in more danger here than on Survivor!
Dave continues to be sad out on the porch, then goes up to Gordon's office. Gordon says that it would be a shame for Dave to go out from a ligament tear, which suggests that Gordon doesn't care enough about Dave or this show to find out what's actually wrong. Gordon points out that it's Dave's weaker hand that's hurt. So what's Dave's decision? Dave claims to have many thoughts running through his head, although his vacant expression makes that hard to believe. Dave decides to get a cast on his hand and stay. So that's what's happening. He tells his team that he'll be able to give the team 100% I guess the extra 10% they usually add on is provided by the thumb on the weak hand. Good to know!
The chefs (except for Dave, who's off to the hospital to get a cast) line up in the kitchen for the night's pregame ceremonies. There will again be a greeter on each team, who will be "greeting, introducing a small amuse-bouche, serving, then back on the section." It's Ariel and Jim. Chef Ramsay wants enthusiasm and quickness. Let's go!
There are stars in the restaurant tonight! Drew Lachey! John O'Hurley! Tom Green (who has a glass of wine as he enters the building)! Melinda Clarke (Lady Heather from CSI! Woo woo! Oh, and she was on The O.C.)! Chris Reid, who was "Kid" from Kid 'n Play! Kristy Swanson! Man, this show makes Kathy Griffin's show look A-List! How come a stand-up comedian's reality show on Bravo has people like Lily Tomlin and Salman Rushdie, and the network show has the second-best Buffy and a recurring Seinfeld character? [Ahem. I believe John O'Hurley is currently the host of a little game show known as "the Feud"? - Zach]
Orders flow in from Drew Lachey and Dwight Freeney (from the NFL). Nothing can leave until the amuse-bouche go, which means that Ariel and Jim have to rush out. Unfortunately, Jim is slow. Van accurately describes Jim as a lollygagger. Robert says that Jim is so slow, he reminds him of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Hey, that's not fair. Shaggy could go pretty fast, especially when a ghost was involved. Sometimes he'd run so fast, you couldn't even see his legs! I'm treated to the sight of Tom Green looking bored. Jim interviews that he doesn't see the need for speed: "You want me to run around? For what? It all gets done." That's the spirit!
The red team is on appetizers, and Tennille is doing risotto. Suzanne is at her elbow telling her to take deep breaths and calm down, and I really would not be surprised to see Tennille punch her in the face. The risotto is acceptable. Tek's capellini (which I misspelled throughout the finale; sorry about that) is also good. People are being served food! In Hell's Kitchen! Unfortunately, John O'Hurley sends his pasta back with a labored salt lick analogy. Tek appears to panic, and Tennille takes over. The replacement capellini is approved by Mr. O'Hurley. So the red team's appetizers are going fine.
The blue team is relying on Robert, who's doing appetizers. His truffle salad is acceptable, and the blue appetizers are working. The red team moves on to entrees, and Lovely's food is rejected. She appears to be neglecting the step where she seasons her food and makes it taste good. Sabrina stealthily helps her. The blue side has good fish from Kevin, and bad lamb from Andy. Andy looks sweaty and disheveled. Gordon shouts for a bit about the bad lamb and sends Kevin's halibut to the customers because he doesn't want Kevin to get hurt by Andy's bad lamb.
There's a lot of shouting, mostly from Robert, and Andy provides some new lamb. Robert is dubious about whether Chef Ramsay will accept it, but he brings it to the pass. Then he sabotages Andy by saying "Chef, we can't send that, right?" Sous chef Scott agrees that the lamb is no good, and Robert starts stomping and cursing at the top of his lungs. The editing would have us believe that he's bothering the customers, which I doubt. I mean, if I went to Hell's Kitchen (aside: I would love to go to Hell's Kitchen!) I would be listening intently for the sound of cursing coming from the kitchen. Gordon tells Robert to lower the volume. Meanwhile, out in the kitchen, Tom Green is claiming that he and his lady friend have to go to the ballet or something.
Over in the red kitchen, Lovely doesn't know what's being sent. And the music is mocking her slowness. And on the blue side, Andy's lamb is acceptable to Chef Ramsay. Tom Green pretends to choke on it, but it's just his wacky shenanigans. Remember Tom Green and his wacky shenanigans? [I do! "The ballet"... he's got a million of 'em! - Z]
Now it's Suzanne's turn on the lamb. She's slicing it too thin. Tennille rubs it in, which I guess is understandable. The blue team has communication problems (and is missing tongs) when Dave comes back. He's thrown onto desserts, and Kevin wonders how he's going to do with only one hand.
Two hours in, each kitchen has three entrees to go. Everyone acts like this is the end of the dinner service, even though they just mentioned the desserts. There's a lot of shouting and cooking and serving and all that sort of thing. Everyone is impatient. Sous chef Scott rejects some chicken for the last ticket and really gets into Andy's face, ordering him to get the [bleep] chicken ready for the table by the time the rest of the [bleep] food is ready to go. He's surprisingly agitated here. I wonder if he and Heather have a bet going. The women have some raw pasta. Both refires are good. It's down to the sides, which means Gordon is now shouting "Where's the creamed spinach?!" There's something you don't hear every day. Everybody in both kitchens is jumpy and edgy, and the blue team finishes first by a nose. There's a passing mention of desserts, and we're done!
After dinner, the chefs are lined up in the kitchen for a postmortem. Chef Ramsay tells them they were beaten by the side dishes, and Suzanne raises her hand. She'd like a play-by-play on that. I don't know what she means, exactly, but those were her words. Chef Ramsay clarifies: "First of all, I'm telling you straight to your face. You lost." He assigns Sabrina to pick "two individuals that you think have no future in Hell's Kitchen." Suzanne interviews that she might go home for questioning Chef Ramsay. Up in the dorms, as the blue team rejoices in their victory, Robert imitates Chef Ramsay: "Here's a play-by-play for you. You're a dumb bitch." All the guys enjoy this very much. Van looks like he's going to hurt himself laughing.
Lovely and Tek talk to Sabrina separately to plead their cases. Sabrina thinks Tek will probably go home.
Down in the dining room, Sabrina's first nominee is Tek for losing momentum. "It was difficult to watch, Chef." Her second nominee is Lovely for failing at the garnish station. This is Lovely's third time. Why should you stay, Lovely? "You might not see it, but it's there." "So you were moving so fast that I couldn't see you." "Yes." "Holy crap!" She's the Flash! Tek? "I am extremely passionate about food." Gordon hates both of them, then calls out Suzanne's name. Since she's not shy about offering her opinion, Gordon would like to know who she'd send home. "Lovely, chef." "I completely agree." Well, I like that Suzanne didn't flinch. And also, I'm sick of Lovely.
Chef Ramsay warns Tek to be careful, then claims that something will change. Blah blah "most important dinner service of your lives" and so on.
Gordon's last words: "If people were named for their cooking, her name wouldn't be Lovely. It would be Useless."
week: Kitchenpocalypse!
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