We're back! Already! After less than two months!
Sorry about all the exclamation points. I'm just trying to get excited for this. Let's try this: Welcome back to everybody's favorite cooking reality show! Unless you prefer Top Chef! I personally didn't watch Top Chef Masters, but I imagine it was okay. And this will be better. Yes! Let's go! Bring it on, mother[bleep]ers!
Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 42
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 16
Best Description of Salmon Ever: "Like a bison's penis"
I'm skipping the "coming this season" section. It's nothing new. Shouting, throwing, blood, fire engines, trash talk, and more shouting. It's the most adjectivey Hell's Kitchen ever!
Jean-Philippe waits on the front stairs for a bus full of dopes to arrive. And here they are! Ariel (27, sous chef) has this to say: "Whoo!" Whoo indeed, madame. Louie (45, diner owner) is ready to do a backflip, and is the sort of guy whom someone should tell to kiss their grits. But before we start, Jean-Philippe has to make them go through a gauntlet of past contestants. Bonnie (from Season 1) speaks to them from inside one of those televisions in the long television-strewn hallway and tells them about the time she didn't have the heat on her burner. Everyone has a good laugh, and Tennille (28, executive chef) gives us an enthusiastic "duh!" The television has Colleen from season 5 mistaking sugar for salt. Amanda (27, sous chef) gives us the first [bleep] of the night. Colleen recommends tasting your food before serving it, which Joseph (27, sous chef) finds kind of basic. Yes it is! I'm looking forward to finding out how many of these alleged professional chefs will ignore the useful basic advice! , Aaron (the fainting guy from season 3) is shown crying, and Van (26, fish cook) calls him a sissy. Classy. Everyone laughs meanly at Aaron for crying in Hell's Kitchen. Even me. Man, that guy bugged.
The voice of Gordon Ramsay cuts in, asking "Are you ready?" and everyone looks around in confusion, with one of them saying "I know that voice..." That seems like the minimum research it would take, doesn't it? You should at least be able to identify Gordon Ramsay to be on the show. Gordon's face appears on a giant television screen, and after he demands a few more times to know if they're read, it slides up to reveal the actual Gordon. Lovely (23, executive chef at a children's camp) [bleep]s in astonishment. Gordon shouts at them from inside his fog and light show and tells them to get to the kitchen and cook him their signature dishes. Van is enthusiastic and shouty.
The opening credits have a carnival sideshow theme. It goes on for quite some time. I imagine if you really wanted to, you could imagine all sorts of secret clues in the different things the contestants are shown doing. Knock yourself out.
Chopping and mixing and cooking! The chefs are making their signature dishes because (as the voiceover reminds us) Chef Ramsay is of the opinion that it's a good way to judge chefs. Sounds logical, right? Sabrina (34, restaurant manager) says that she'll be "the hottest Hell's Kitchen winner. I'm spicy, sweet, and sexy-hot." Uh huh. The camera is fascinated by her ankle tattoo, which as far as I can tell delivers the deep, important message of "I got a tattoo out of a magazine." Kevin (35, executive chef) claims that he's a legitimate chef who's won awards. What? Talking about your food? Boring!
Everyone puts out their food. But before the tasting, Gordon has to list this season's prizes. The winner will become the head chef at araxi (spelled like that, with all lower-case letters) in Whistler, BC. Oh, it's very nice up there. I don't ski myself, but everyone who does ski and lives in Seattle likes Whistler very much indeed. And Vancouver is having the 2010 Winter Olympics, which means a lot more attention on Whistler. Jim (34, sous chef) claims that he's "already polishing up my skis" and adds a "swoosh." It's not as dumb as it sounds. But it is pretty dumb.
The women are the Red Team and the men are the Blue Team. Again. Because that's how Gordon Ramsay operates. And the dishes are going head-to-head, which will give us a chance to meet everyone. I hope. Let's go!
Dish one: Suzanne (24, sous chef) has made a risotto. Say! Someone who already knows how to make a risotto? I like the looks of this! Gordon doesn't, though. He thinks the rice looks undercooked. Suzanne disagrees. After Gordon tastes it, he has her competition taste it and comment on it. The guy Suzanne is up against says that the risotto tastes "chalky". Ramsay assures her it's not supposed to be crunchy. Suzanne's up against Dave (32, executive chef), who has made ostrich with pan-seared Brussels sprouts. Seriously, your signature dish is ostrich? You're lucky they had some in the pantry, then! Chef Ramsay says it's beautifully seasoned, but the sprouts are undercooked. In his interview, Dave appears devastated by this. So the result of this head-to-head? "Piss off, both of you. Neither of you gets a point." Well, that was productive!
Dish two: Tek (27, currently unemployed line cook) has a honey grilled shrimp. I like the name Tek because A) it's short and therefore easy to type, and B) it reminds me of Tek Janson, Stephen Colbert's space opera character. There's also a Magic card with that name. Don't judge me! Ramsay likes the shrimp. Tek is up against Louie, whose biscuits and gravy garners a "Well, [bleep] me" from Chef Ramsay. Look, if a diner cook can't make biscuits and gravy, there's something wrong with him. Chef Ramsay has apparently never heard of sausage gravy served with biscuits and is extravagantly disbelieving. He spits it out and says it "tastes like gunk." 1-0 Red Team.
Dish three: Joseph (27, sous chef) claims that he's very hungry and wants this and will therefore win. He's an ex-marine, although I don't know why that should matter. He's got a roasted veal chop with some undercooked Brussels sprout. Ramsay asks him to eat the sprout, and Joseph refuses on the grounds that he doesn't have a fork. "Do I look like a caveman? Do I eat with my [bleep] hands?" he asks us rhetorically. Chef Ramsay counsels him to calm down and be less defensive. It doesn't look like Joseph is going to take that advice, because now he's just staring straight forward in a way that an ex-Marine might do. Joseph tells us that he and Ramsay are "going to go head-to-head. Without a [bleep] doubt. I'll drag him by his hair on the parking lot and stomp the [bleep] out of him." After the commercial, he has more specific things to [bleep] about, such as the fact that he feels he cooked his dish properly. Aaaaanyway, he's up against Tennille, who made a lamb chop. It's "nice". 2-0, Red Team.
Dish four: Amanda has to bring her plate and two glasses of tequila to the tasting table. She explains to us that her plan is to make Gordon Ramsay do a shot of tequila with her because "it goes with the dish!" The dish in question is "Margarita French toast with tequila-lime butter". Chef Ramsay is understandably dubious about a slice of bread cooked in egg with tequila on it. Amanda has an unfortunate interview where she chants about how much she likes tequila. She downs her shot of tequila while waiting for Chef Ramsay, which doesn't impress anyone. Chef Ramsay can't believe it took her 42 minutes to do a three-minute French toast. On to the guy! He's a manager of a culinary retail store who cooks at home, and he learned to cook where? "Out of my heart." He's Tony (30, culinary store manager), and he believes you don't need to go to culinary school if your heart is pure and your passion is true. He's got mussels with chorizo, which Ramsay feels has potential. It's now 2-1 Red Team, and I don't think Gordon even tasted his French toast.
Dish Five: Poached lobster and savory Portobello mushrooms from Melinda (38, private chef). She appears to confuse food with sex: "My dish is very rich and succulent and luscious and velvety. You can just feel what's happening in your mouth and satisfaction that comes." While we're listening to that interview, she's looking at Gordon in a way that I bet she thinks of as "coquettish". When the dish is revealed, Gordon wants to know where the lobster tail is, and she just cocks her head like she's a French bulldog being interrogated about what happened to the newspaper. But not as cute. Her excuse is "during the cooking process, I had some challenges". The food gets thrown out for being a poached lobster tail with no lobster in it. up, Jim (34, sous chef) who tells us that he's not intimidate by anybody. Then Gordon makes him take his jacket off and Jim admits that he's a little intimidated by Chef Ramsay. He's got seared Ahi tuna, which apparently tastes delicious. The teams are tied 2-2.
Dish six: Kevin has a steak with coffee on it? And Ariel has undercooked duck. No points.
Dish seven: Lovely and Andy (whoever that is) also get no points. Still 2-2.
Dish eight: So it comes down to the last dish! What a surprise! Sabrina has chipotle-wrapped pork tenderloin, but it's too spicy for Chef Ramsay. She rationalizes in an interview that "It does reflect me. Maybe I'm too spicy". Shut up, Sabrina. Van is from Dallas, and he puts on the accent a little thick. He claims to be "a beer-drinker with a sophisticated palate". He's got seared foie gras with minted caramel. "Minted"? Is "mint" a verb? I guess it is, because Chef Ramsay likes it. Blue team wins, 3-2. Note that only five of the sixteen dishes got a point.
So the men win. And the women's punishment is to clean the kitchen, which looks like sixteen fame-hungry cooks have just rampaged through it for 45 minutes. Louie explains to us that "women are the best at cleaning". Ah. Another one of these guys, then.
The men get a reward, which will be take-out food from Gordon's restaurant The London West Hollywood, which I continue to think is a confusing name. And now let's introduce the sous chefs! Scott is back, and he's joined by Heather, who won Season 2. What? But I thought she was supposed to be a chef at some casino somewhere! Are you trying to tell me that the winners don't really get their very own restaurant? Shocking!
Okay, anyway. The men get to eat dinner on the patio while the women clean the dishes and pots and pans. The women get to eat bologna sandwiches. Actually, it's not even fancy enough to be called "bologna". That stuff's clearly baloney. The men appear to enjoy their meal.
When the women get back to the dorms, they get recipe books, which they are determined to learn before the dinner service the night. Meanwhile, the men are whooping it up, which means that Louie does a cannonball into the hot tub. Van is providing actual whooping. The women go to bed and the men continue to drink champagne. This might be a good time to mention that I'm recapping "what happens on the show," not "what actually happened". Sure, some of the men might not actually have stayed up drinking all night, and some of the women might not have studied. But I can only report on what I'm shown, you know?
The morning, everyone files into the kitchen. Scott gives everyone some kind of special knives. Van has trouble with the prep because he's hung over and we get some shots of befuddled men and prepared women. And then prep's over!
Chef Ramsay gives both teams a short pep talk, and we're ready to go! Except we're not! Because Ramsay is not at all happy with the state of Lovely's chocolate fondants, which are not supposed to be cooked already. See, the idea is that they're supposed to be prepared now, but not cooked until the order comes in at the end of the night. Doom! Disaster! Panic! Although I don't think there's much of a chance that either team will actually make it to desserts in the first place, so it's probably moot. Suzanne takes charge of fixing the problem, and also calls her teammates "a bunch of circus clowns". Man, I'd watch that show. You hear me, editors? If someone starts airing "America's Top Circus Clown", I call dibs.
Enough foolish around. Open Hell's Kitchen!
The dining room looks different, and there are new items on the menu. Finally!
The first tickets come in, and I think Chef Ramsay has trouble with the phrase "zucchini blossom flower". No, he's just noticing that no one's actually listening. And no one shouting "Yes, chef!" which is really the basic thing he's looking for. Tek brings up the first appetizers, but the scallops are raw. Ariel is shocked that anyone could overcook a scallop. I take it she's never watched the show, then. Lovely announces that her pasta is a minute away and doesn't respond to Chef Ramsay telling her it's already overcooked. Lovely vows to watch Tek like a hawk.
On the blue team, Jim doesn't have enough scallops and gets ordered to count to six. He just does it without complaining. In the dining room, customers are complaining about how long it's taking to get their (free, televised) food.
Suddenly! Robert from last season shows up in the dining room! Remember that time he left the show because of health problems? Well, he's brought his wife and we're warned that Chef Ramsay has a plan to give Robert a second chance. Oh boy.
The blue team gets an appetizer out, but the red team fails several times. Tennille describes it as "apocalyptic chaos", which might be overstating it a little. On the blue side, Louie puts some lamb in the oven. Not that big a deal, right? Wrong! Donkey! Chef Ramsay calls the entire blue kitchen over to tell them that Louie is putting lamb in the oven without salting it, seasoning it, or even searing it. Jim thinks that a man's primal instinct should involve searing meat. On the red side, the scallops and capollini still aren't good enough. Eighth time! The problem is that the capollini isn't cooked yet, and Melinda panics and throws it away. Instead of, you know, cooking it a little longer. Chef Ramsay digs into the trash can and finds mounds and mounds of trashed pasta. It keeps going! It's like John Lennon shoveling spaghetti in Magical Mystery Tour! Okay, never mind that example, although I assure you it's apt.
On the blue side, eight whole appetizers have been served, and Louie is encroaching on the garnish station in his rush to serve an entree. It looks to me like the problem is that Louie isn't used to having so many people in the kitchen assigned to so many different tasks. He sees the problem differently: "Maybe Chef Ramsay should pull the panties out of his [bleep] or something." Chef Ramsay orders Louie to stop touching the spinach. Louie agrees, but he keeps doing it. Suddenly! Joseph, who is supposed to be on garnish, begs Chef Ramsay to let him do the lamb. Chef Ramsay doesn't take kindly to someone telling him how to run his kitchen. Jim's philosophy through all this is "Calm down and let's cook some carrots."
Over on the red side, Lovely is AWOL. She explains that she was feeling nauseous, so she had to sit down for her health. Then she drinks four bottles of water and is apparently out of action for twenty minutes. She explains to us that her body was craving hydration.
Luckily, the red team is perfectly capable of screwing up without Lovely's help. Some salmon is frozen because Amanda stuck it in the freezer. And she's on desserts, which means she shouldn't have been messing with the fish anyway, right? Unless there's some dessert salmon on the menu, I guess. Lovely returns.
Blue kitchen! Louie has some lamb, but it's kind of tattered and falling off the bone. Chef Ramsay calls everyone over to see a giant plate of poorly prepared lamb that Louie's apparently been ruining. Louie's thrown out of the kitchen and is told to get upstairs, pack his bags, and [bleep] off.
Louie shouts at us in an interview, bleeps a couple of times, and gets out. Bye, Louie!
Meanwhile, both kitchens get shut down. And it's time for a goofy twist. Gordon joins Robert in the dining room and asks him to come back to get a second chance "because you're a bloody talented cook." So I guess we're getting Robert back. Spiffing. Everyone else who left for medical reasons? Out of luck!
Later, the teams are lined up in the kitchen to be shouted at. Robert is in line with the blue team. Chef Ramsay claims he's never had a service like this, which I think means he just has a very short memory. He harasses a few chefs and is forced to pick the blue team as the winner on the strength of their "some" entrees served. The red team is told to come to a consensus for which two individuals will be nominated for elimination.
Back to the dorms! Everyone cooks. Melinda swears she wants to be here. Suzanne wants to "Send that bitch home." Lovely doesn't want to get put up for the chop just because she was on apps, which mostly failed. Tek accuses Melinda of being ditzy. The three general choices are Amanda, Melinda, and Lovely. Who will go?
Down in the dining room, Chef Ramsay asks the red team for their decision. Tennille puts up Melinda for struggling on appetizers and not having her head in the game. And after a commercial, the second nominee is Amanda, who thinks Lovely should have been up instead. Melinda, why should you stay? "I have passion for cooking." Amanda? "Because I can do better than that. I didn't get a chance to cook."
Melinda is sent home. She is disappointed, because she was "really looking forward to spending more time with Chef Ramsay." This isn't a dating show, Melinda. Go.
Also! Robert is going to the red team, not the blue team. Man, I hoped that shot in the commercials was a joke.
The end! But there's a new episode right now, and it's the most shocking Hell's Kitchen ever!
Monty has a Movie Novelization blog called Monty on Movie Novelizations: the hilarious novelization of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, but he hasn't updated it in a couple of weeks because he's reading a novelization of some silent movies. They're entertaining, but sloooow. You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.