Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 13
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 36
Days Until This Show Is Back: Fewer than you'd think!
Previously: We're down to Danny and Paula! Paula's plan is to have a simple and tasty menu, while Danny wants fish mounted on the walls. They were at the Borgata last episode for a "surprise" cooking challenge, which Danny won. So when they drafted the chefs to be their brigades, Danny got Ben, Giovanni, and Carol while Paula got Andrea, LA, and Lacey. Lacey and Giovanni look like they're going to be trouble. Andrea looks to me like she's going to knock Lacey's head against a wall if she gives Paula any lip. Oh, and apparently this is one the most highly anticipated finals ever, and I guess I have been wishing this season would hurry up and end already. I'm not sure that's what they meant. Anyway. Blah blah Head Chef at Borgata in Atlantic City and so on. You know the drill. Let's. Get. It. On.
Paula hugs Lacey in an attempt to pretend that she's happy she's on her team. No one is fooled. Danny expresses some satisfaction that he got Ben and not Lacey. Chef Ramsay sends everyone upstairs to "bond", and specifically welcomes Lacey back, adding, under his breath, "bleep".
Now someone's [bleep]ing up a storm! Bleep, bleep, bleep... oh, wait. It's just a construction hoist backing up. Never mind. Although I guess it's possible that the guy driving it is also cursing steadily. The point is that the kitchens are still being built.
Up in the dorms, people are getting assigned tasks. Carol is delighted to be on fish, saying "It's the only station I rock." Solid. Although Carol interviews that she'd rather that Paula win, because Girl Power and all that. Ben interviews that if his good food can help Danny win, "then my work here would be done." Then he flashes a smile that he probably thinks of as dazzling and confident, but which actually comes off as kind of dumb. See, this is why it's important to practice your confident, dazzling smiles for a minimum of 40 hours before you try them out in public.
Danny's main concern is that his brigade respect him and call him "chef" a lot. Giovanni sulks a bit and interviews that he doesn't want to be here or see this place ever again. Meanwhile, Paula tries to hide Lacey on the dessert station, which is exactly what I think she should do. Being placed somewhere where she can't harm appetizers or entrees would be her just, um, desserts. If you see what I'm getting at. Anyway, Paula interviews "I hope no one has a problem with working with me, although I'm sure everybody has a problem with working with me." See, she still thinks it's some kind of personality clash or that people just don't like her, when the actual problem is that she's not a good enough chef to be here. We see a montage of Lacey moments, which I didn't like the first time I recapped them. I find her very tiring.
Oh, remember the time she claimed she couldn't cook meat? Man, that was a lame excuse.
Andrea interviews: "My feeling about Lacey right now is if she gives any negativity or whatever, I swear to God I will unleash a wrath on her like she's never seen." I believe her.
Everyone arrives in the kitchen to do the prep. Danny claims to be confident. Paula says that it's important and hopes to work as a team. Gloria kind of picks on Lacey a little. She's laughing, but Lacey still looks a little ticked off. Paula micromanages Lacey's prep of the banana crème brûlée, which you'll notice has fancy accents in it. I figure if I'm going to go to the effort of putting those in, I want to draw your attention to it. Ben talks a lot about helping Danny win.
Paula checks on Lacey's prepped custards (for the crème brûlée) and quickly determines that they're curdled and have to be done again. Lacey's off to an early start with messing up. Lacey cheerfully calls out "My bad!" like we don't know that already. Ben interviews smugly that Danny's success will rely on him. He also says that "he's gonna get Ben at full force tonight," but he probably doesn't mean that as threateningly as it sounds.
After the general frenzy of prepping, Chef Ramsay is ready to taste the menus, which consist of three appetizers, three entrees, and three desserts for each kitchen. From Paula's menu, we only hear one appetizer ("Homemade pasta with eggplant caviar"), one entree ("Halibut with pearl onions and pancetta"), and one dessert ("Banana crème brûlée"). Ramsay says the pasta is "absolutely delicious", and he seems impressed that it's a vegetarian dish. The halibut is dry, so Chef Ramsay recommends that Paula watch whoever's on the fish station like a hawk. That'll be Andrea. Finally, the crème brûlée, which is apparently the texture of scrambled eggs and can't be served. Paula is frustrated by her team and is told to tweak her menu.
Danny's sample appetizer is "Arugula salad with crispy duck breast", followed by "Pan seared filet with baked potato" and "Poached pear with mascarpone mousse". Ramsay thinks the duck should be cooked a little more, thinks the spring onion on the filet looks weird and phallic, and thinks the poached pear is undercooked. Danny doesn't seem like he's going to take all this advice. He seems to like the idea of a phallic spring onion.
Because he isn't actually needed in the kitchen, Chef Ramsay gets to do these little breathless interviews off to the side of the kitchens. At the moment, he says that the menus are both very good and contemporary, so he considers the race about even right now.
Paula asks Lacey if she's "cranking it out", which Lacey answers with a "Yes, chef" that's only a tiny bit snotty. Chef Ramsay pulls Paula out of the kitchen to get a tour of her restaurant, which we see in excruciatingly soft focus. It's called "Sunergy" and there's a lot of yellow. We see Ben, Andrea, and Carol hanging out at the Pass checking things out, and Ben likes the way the hardwood floor in Sunergy picks up the yellow walls and gold plates. Ramsay finds it comforting and beautiful.
Now, Danny's side, which is "Velvet Hammer". Ben thinks that sounds like a porn video. He's not wrong. Danny claims that "every single person in Sarasota calls me Velvet Hammer", which I do not believe. His restaurant is mostly just a bunch of four-person tables set around the floor. It doesn't look as nice as Paula's booths. It's mostly deep red colors. And there are fish on the walls, which Ben laughs at. Chef Ramsay describes the rustic wood floor as "countrified" and "not intimidating". I think Ramsay likes a bit of "intimidating" in his restaurants.
Andrea leans over to Ben and comments, "I like her dining room way better." Ben agrees immediately. I liked that little moment there, with the chefs from the two teams apparently just hanging out and kibitzing. It felt real to me.
Chef Ramsay rounds Danny and Paula up to the pass to give them a little pep talk. Well, really he just tries to freak them out by telling them there are no second chances aNd this is the most important night of their lives. And now it's time to open up for the customers. Here we go!
The voiceover describes Danny's place as a "seafood restaurant", while Paula gets the slightly more interesting "upscale bistro". Each of them get fifty diners. They'll be judged by customer reviews (not really) and Gordon Ramsay's opinion (almost entirely).
One of Danny's tables has his father and girlfriend, and his father claims that it's the first time Danny's ever cooked for him.
Danny asks his team to give him a very loud "Yes, Chef!" when the first order comes in, to intimidate the other team. Speaking of the other team, Andrea is clapping her hands and shouting "Go, team Paula!" while Lacey mopes around and panics.
Jean Philippe brings Danny his first order. Danny thanks JP, which I think is a nice touch. It goes pretty well. Paula's first order does not elicit any vocal response at all, which causes Chef Ramsay to express some concern about the lack of shouting. He loves the shouting.
Paula goes over to check on Lacey's salad, verifying that there's enough being made. Chef Ramsay is immediately on her case, warning her that every minute she's away from the hot plate, she'll run two minutes behind. He would also like her to be more talky. Well, shouty and [bleep]y, probably. Andrea has some blackened scallop and Chef Ramsay shouts at her for it, saying it's not even fit for a dog. Lacey apparently put it on the plate with the blackened side down, hoping nobody would notice. Suddenly, Chef Ramsay shouts "Get a grip!" but I'm not sure what that's all about.
Danny's appetizers have trouble as Carol gets backed up and Chef Ramsay gets in Danny's face about some of Carol's lobster that's getting overcooked. Ramsay takes the opportunity to pull both Paula and Danny aside to yell at them about standards. Danny harasses Carol about his lobster, saying "lobster" a lot. "Lobster lobster lobster". That's a direct quote.
We see people enjoying their food. Danny's father seems to like his appetizer. The kitchens are moving into entrees, and Andrea takes this moment to tell us that she's never cooked halibut before. Delightful! When she brings some up to Paula and asks, "Is that too dark?" Chef Ramsay calls her on it, telling her that she knows it's too dark. We see Andrea squinting at the pans, looking like she's trying really, really hard. Lacey is positively gleeful at Andrea's problems on the halibut. Remember that time Ramsay warned Paula to keep an eye on whoever did the halibut? Remember? Do ya? Oh, you do. Well, good. I was just checking.
Danny's side. Danny wants to know where his two filets are, and Giovanni points to Ben and says "Waitin' on garn." That means that although Giovanni's got some steaks ready to go, Ben's baked potatoes are three minutes out. I enjoy Gio's body language here, because he's selling Ben right out, pointing to him and radiating an air of "I'm doing my job over here!" Chef Ramsay turns up Ben's oven and mocks him a little for emphasizing how hot the plate is when the potatoes do finally show up. Ramsay's attitude seems to be "Of course it's hot. It's a kitchen!"
Andrea is still struggling with the halibut, and Paula takes charge, telling her exactly what to do, where to put pans, and generally running the kitchen. Ramsay rushes off to tell a camera how good it is that Paula's "found her voice", but that she's still being screwed by bad halibut.
Danny's entrees are moving out of the kitchen, but Chef Ramsay stops some monkfish. Apparently he can tell if a sauce is too salty just by looking at it. He shouts at Giovanni a bit and then encourages Danny to do so as well. Giovanni seems to let it just roll off him and interviews that he doesn't care who wins and just wants to go home. That's the spirit!
Paula's trying to get entrees going, but Lacey's on garnish, and she's falling behind. She describes her situation as "a lot of different stuff in a lot of different pans" and generally seems to be lost. Chef Ramsay, always eager to help, tells her to "just try harder". At least Lacey knows what to do with a suggestion that useless: she shouts "Yes, chef!" and ignores it. Once she's clearly not actually bringing anything to the pass, Andrea starts helping. Well, really she's just standing to Lacey shouting "Whaddya need whaddya need whaddya need?" but at least she's over there. Between Andrea and Lacey, some food gets to the pass, but now everyone's yelling "spinach spinach spinach!" and Lacey's getting more and more ticked off that everyone's yelling at her. Andrea interviews that Lacey doesn't own her own behavior.
Danny seems to be running things, telling his team when he wants entrees and appetizers. And they do it!
Paula is also getting louder and more emphatic as things seem to be rolling. Chef Ramsay takes a moment to compliment both Danny and Paula. There's a lot of pushing and shouting. The last tickets on both sides go out. Andrea is very proud of Paula. Ben thinks Danny did a good job. The blue team clears down and Danny is quite pleased to be done first, but Paula's right behind him. Chef Ramsay claims it's neck-and-ne
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ck. Both teams clear down, and I see we're again pretending desserts don't exist. It will supposedly come down to comment cards.
Danny is pleased and grateful for his team. Paula's sister and mother stop by the window to say hello to Paula, which Danny's father and girlfriend also do. Danny's father is proud of him. Danny is pleased about that.
Both teams are lined up in the kitchen. Chef Ramsay thanks all the returning chefs for two excellent services and wants to know why they didn't cook like that for him. They suggest that maybe Danny and Paula's habits of "not shrieking at them" and "smiling occasionally" might have had something to with it. Chef Ramsay asks Danny and Paula if they're ready for his decision, and then talks a bit about comment cards. "The winner of Hell's Kitchen. Is." Pause for commercials. Repeat the last couple of sentences. "...lives in Florida." See, because both Paula and Danny live in Florida. Sigh. Oh, that wacky Chef Ramsay. He sends Danny and Paula to the dorms.
Danny and Paula go to the kitchens, and the returning chefs chat about who they think won. It looks like Ben has a broom. Are they really making these guys clean the place up? Man, that's rough. Anyway, Lacey and LA think Paula did well, although Lacey thinks Paula needed a lot of help with her plating. LA just puts that down to having more intricate stuff on the plates. In the dorms, Danny won't shut up about how great he did, which Paula doesn't seem that interested in listening to. Danny also interviews about how he's "going to be huge in this business. It's inevitable. I am a culinary prodigy." Uh huh. Well, it's possible, I guess.
Chef Ramsay sits in that office we hardly ever see, thinking about the flashbacks of the episode. Either that or he just sat there for a minute or so, rubbing his chin so they'd have Thinky footage.
Danny believes he won. Paula thinks he's done. They both go to the office. Chef Ramsay tells them that one of them is going to win "the dream of a lifetime", which seems like a stretch, unless the Borgata is more famous than I thought. He assures them both that they're deserving finalists. He also claims it's the most difficult decision he's ever made and that they've both got extraordinary careers in front of them. They both stand in front of doors and hug each other. Whoever's door opens will be the winner.
There is a lot of stalling of the "Place your hand on top of the handle", "dramatic music while showing extreme close-ups of the contestants", and "But first, some commercials!" varieties. Then we come back from commercial and do it again. Finally, Danny wins. Then he jumps around like a freak.
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Danny interviews that he feels better than he's ever felt. Paula appears to be happy for him. There is confetti and hugging. Ben is happy for him and probably thinks he counts as winner-by-proxy or something. Danny talks about his mother, who passed on and is consequently not someone I will be mocking. Chef Ramsay tells us that Danny grew a lot during the season. CGI fireworks fill the night sky. There's some sort of "Hell's Kitchen Wall of Fame" consisting of large pictures of all the winners, plus Gordon. Confetti, confetti, hooray hooray cheers and champagne. And lots of hugging.
So that's that! Until July, I guess.
Recently on Monty on Movie Novelizations: the hilarious novelization of Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Not the one that just happened. The first one. You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
Watch full episodes of Hell's Kitchen on TWoP!
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