Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 34
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 21
Best Ramsay Quote of the Night: "You're not really a chef, are you? You're just a showgirl with a big feather coming out your ass."
Before we start, are you aware that Viewer Discretion is Advised? Seriously, you should exercise some discretion. Or I could do it for you. I'll exercise discretion all over this show. Or something.
Last week: Fifteen chefs, a silly hat, Gordon Ramsay in makeup, the black Gorodn Ramsay, hen in a pumpkin, vomiting, the men don't know the entree, the chicken was rubber, and Louross was responsible for stay-at-home dad Dominic being bounced. Bleeps in this part don't count, if you're checking my math.
This week: it's now a "quest" instead of a "saga". That still sounds just a little over the top to me. Becoming the figurehead Executive Chef of a restaurant that doesn't even exist yet isn't exactly "throw the ring into Mount Doom" or "kill all the people that stand between me and the throne" material.
We return where we left off, with the chefs filing out of the kitchen back to the dorms to smoke and mope about Dominic leaving. Bobby explains that he was trying the "laid-back approach", but something about Ramsay's reaction has suggested that maybe that's not what he's looking for. Unfortunately, his new plan is that "The four-star general gots to come out now." You know, it would be easier not to make cheap political jokes if the guy calling himself a general would get something right occasionally.
Jason interviews that he didn't know what he was getting into and that he wasn't ready to get yelled at. Really? Jason, incidentally, has an enormous head scar that makes it kind of look like he's had his entire face replaced at some point. Anyway, he claims that he doesn't lose to "girls" and "[bleep] young little kids." I would explain why it's inappropriate to call women "girls", but the very thing we hear is Christina gloating about beating the "boys". So I'm going to leave it alone for now.
The chefs sleep in black and white until 5:43 AM, when Scott and Gloria barge in with bullhorns. The chefs arrive in the parking lot in a mixture of pajamas and chef's whites, which isn't that much of a mixture, really.
Chef Ramsay is unhappy about the amount of wasted food, but I'm personally not convinced he's as unhappy as he's acting. Sometimes he's legitimately angry, but at this point, it feels to me like he's just setting up the challenge. In this case, the challenge is to go through last night's trash bags, pull out the wasted food, and dump it into cylinders that look like they should be holding an unknown amount of jelly beans.
Jen complains that walking around in trash with bare feet is unpleasant, which I'm sure it is. She also describes butt cracks, at which point we see Bobby, but the aforementioned crack is blurred out. That seems odd. Don't get me wrong; I appreciate the blurring, but why call it out and then hide it?
Rosann interviews that it's a shame they had to waste all that food, which shows that either she learned her lesson or she thinks she'll get brownie points for saying exactly what Ramsay said a minute ago.
When the cylinders are relatively full, Ramsay orders the chefs back to the stairs (did I mention there are stairs in the parking lot? Well, there are) and berates them some more about how they wasted thousands of dollars worth of food. Then he tells them to go shower and meet him in the kitchen. So I guess this wasn't a challenge after all, but just some arbitrary haranguing? That was productive!
The actual challenge involves a halibut, which appears to be about five feet long. Chef Ramsay fillets it into what we're told are "fifty-three perfect six-ounce portions". They do look fairly accurately cut. So Scott and Gloria bring in one fish for each team, and the teams start dissecting the fish. They have twenty minutes.
On the blue team, Petrozza starts, while Louross instructs him to "make love to that fish." It would be a better pep talk if Louross hadn't called him "Petruzzi".
There is a general frenzy of fish-cutting, and it appears that both teams are doing okay with the problem of dividing up the work. At least, no one's shouting "you're cutting it wrong!" With 8:14 to go, the men finish, while the women mostly circle around Sharon, who is dividing the enormous fillet into approximately six-ounce chunks. Jen is hanging over Sharon's shoulders, while Rosann is hanging over Corey's. It looks like the women end on exactly 0:00, but you can never tell with this sort of thing.
Chef Ramsay goes through the women's cuts and rejects a few for being gashed, but they end up with 41 acceptable portions. Chef Ramsay deems this "not bad".
On the men's side, Chef Ramsay is less happy and demands to know who's butchering the fish. If I might be allowed a slight digression, it seems unfair to call the act of poorly cutting meat "butchering it". When you think about it, butchers are actually very precise with their knives. In fact, isn't this challenge exactly the sort of thing you'd want a butcher for?
Anyway, Chef Ramsay declares some of the men's pieces "beautiful" and some "awful". It ends up with an exact tie, 41 all. Neat! The tiebreaker is that each team selects a representative, and the representative will select one of their portions, thus resulting in two selected portions, one for each team. And the portion that's closest to six ounces will win the challenge. Rosann insists on Corey, and the men choose Ben by acclamation. Actually, when Corey goes up, then women are clapping and saying her name in away that's extremely reminiscent of Family Feud when everyone's shouting "Good answer!"
Ben's fillet is 5.9 ounces. The men are happy. Bobby interviews that "You know, it ain't no way in hell that them girls' gonna weight a perfect six-ounce piece." I am shamelessly rooting for the women at this point. But after a fairly long dramatic pause, which includes an entire commercial break (including that commercial for DirecTV that features a bunch of actors from Christopher Guest movies), Corey's piece is only 4.8 ounces. The men celebrate while Corey apologizes to each person on her team. Jen interviews that it was perfectly easy to pick a six ounce piece, and that they shouldn't have picked Corey.
Since the women lost, they will now be prepping the halibut and making the fish stock for the night's service. I like how this show has actual punishments for losers instead of just rewarding winners. It adds motivation.
The men get to join Ramsay on a "hundred-foot super-yacht". And they will get there via Rolls-Royces and Bentleys. No Megazeppelin? Feh. They file out, high-fiving. In the shot, they return, wearing an array of unfortunate shirts, which sets Jen off in some kind of seizure, shouting "Byyyyyeeee!" and chopping fish while looking around wildly. Matt interviews that lobster juice was flying around and impinging on his expensive cologne.
Jen starts up a "Whose house? Our house!" chant, which leads Jason to interview "You can keep your [bleep] house, because we're going to the ocean, bitches." Well, that -- that doesn't really work as a comeback. I think the second half should refer in some way to the first part, like "It may be your house, but this is our yacht." Or maybe play off the "house" part, like "Is your house a hundred feet long and floating?" Just saying "we're going to the ocean, bitches" doesn't really work for me. There's no bite to it.
The cars are old-timey and classy and the marina is full of boats. Gordon welcomes them to their "day of decadence", which they seem pleased about. I just saw a great production of Cabaret this weekend, so I'm excited that we'll have some actual decadence on this show, but it turns out to just mean hooting and eating. There's lobster and halibut and caviar, which I guess is nice. Contrary to the narration, they don't appear to actually be on "the high seas", although the bay they're tooling around in looks nice.
Back at the kitchen: roly-poly fish heads. Jen announces, "For the record, I called it. I said that damn fillet was too low." If she did, it wasn't shown. And I don't think you can call things for the record hours after they happen. Christina defends Corey, saying that it's the whole team's fault, but Jen makes a face and, in an exaggeratedly (and funny) nice voice just says "Sure." In an interview, Jen continues to complain about Corey.
Night-time. A full moon. Of course. Every single time they show the moon in a reality show, it's always full. Morning. The teams file in to the kitchen at 6:45 am.
Sharon is confused about a recipe, and Corey gives her firm instructions that end in "bzzzzzzt!" which is the sound of a Cuisinart. Christina interviews that Sharon constitutes a "really big disadvantage". On the blue side, Jason is confident that they'll win, because they're all serious. Then, in a shot that seems like it might be ominous foreshadowing, Ben comments that they need mascarpone for the risotto, but Jason tells him, "That's okay, he just said we can get more if we need it, so don't sweat it." Interview Jason explains that the girls don't have a clue what they're doing because they don't have a man to lead them.
Corey, however, believes that the problem with Christina is that she knows too much. For example, she knows the recipe to their vinaigrette, which isn't actually that complicated, consisting of one part champagne vinegar to one part EVO; salt, pepper. I'm sorry to report that "EVO" almost certainly means Extra-Virgin Olive Oil here, which means we might be in possession of a Rachael Ray reference. Anyway, Corey's point is: "Christina is a know-it-all. Her brain is big and filled but her mind is so weak."
Jason is still yakking away: "A room full of girls. I mean, that's -- that's useless, unless, what are they having, a Tupperware party over there?" And he smirks, confident that he's zinged them good. But they don't actually see the interview segments until they're aired, so it kind of violates Smack Talk Protocol, if you ask me. Plus, he's just coming off like an asshole. Do you think that was his plan?
Remember last week when the men didn't know the entrees? Let's try it with the appetizers!
Chef Ramsay: Petrozza!
Petrozza: Yes.
Chef Ramsay: The menu! Five appetizers. What are they?
Petrozza: ...the appetizers? Caesar salad, with... with fresh anchovies and seared, uh, tuna. The, um. The, um. [Chef Ramsay pinches the bridge of his nose] The, um.
Chef Ramsay: Stop.
Petrozza: Yes.
Chef Ramsay: Stop.
Petrozza: Yes.
Chef Ramsay: Do me a favor. Get out!
Petrozza: ...OK.
So Petrozza has been sent upstairs to read the menu and his station will be unmanned until he gets his [bleep] together. Actually, that could probably be considered two separate bleeps, but I'm ruling it as just one.
Chef Ramsay berates both teams for awhile, claims to have three thousand dishes between his ears, says that Jean-Phillippe got it bad last week, and appoints Craig and Rosann to be Assistant Maitre' D. Upstairs, Petrozza mopes about having to study the menu.
When Petrozza returns to the kitchen, Chef Ramsay takes him into the storeroom, kicking Jason out. Does Petrozza think this is a joke? Does Petrozza think this is Comedy Central? Does Petrozza want to make Chef Ramsay look stupid? What's the menu, starting with the desserts and working up? That's not entirely fair in my opinion, because there's no point in knowing the desserts this early in the show. They'll be lucky to get to the entrees. But be that as it may, Petrozza takes a shot at it, getting as far as Valrhona Chocolate with a black cherry sorbet, which Chef Ramsay informs him does not exist. It's is a [bleep] Valrhona Black Chocolate Fondant with Black Cherries. That sounds pretty good. Petrozza is banished back upstairs to start again. All he can say is "OK", but he says it a lot.
Upstairs, Petrozza sits in a chair, smoking a cigarette, and informs the camera that he is done. And then Bobby rushes in from offscreen, takes the cigarette from Petrozza's hand and physically drags him upright and buttons his jacket for him, all the while keeping up a line of generically motivating patter ("It's all right, it's cool, it's cool") while Petrozza stands there like a sack of oatmeal protesting that he's done. I like Bobby's attempt to pull things together here. He's assuring Petrozza that if Chef spends this much time with him, that must be a good thing, and generally doing a good job of getting Petrozza to un-quit and get back in the kitchen. Good job, Bobby.
And Petrozza is now able to list some more dishes: the filet mignon, the canon of lamb, and (after some charades by Chef Ramsay) the chicken and the pavé of salmon. He receives a slightly sarcastic round of applause from Chef Ramsay, but the high five seems genuine. Chef Ramsay: "Now get in the [bleep] kitchen --" Petrozza: "And work my [bleep] ass off." Actually, Chef Ramsay was telling him to work the meat station, but I'm sure Petrozza's answer will do.
Jean-Phillippe! Open the doors to Hell's Kitchen, please! Is it just me, or does the "please" kind of undercut the coolness of the phrase?
Ooh! We get a really good look at the menus, which I'm excited by because I kept hoping Petrozza would rattle off the dishes and then I'd know what they are. For the record:
APPETIZERS
Pan-Roasted Scallops, Broccoli Purée, Pan Fried Quail's Eggs, Crispy Bacon
Smoked Ham Risotto, Pea and Mint Salad with Shaved Black Truffles
Tian of Crab with Marinated Avocado, Confit Tomatoes, Black Olive Tapenade
Watercress Soup, Poached Hen's Egg and Potato Salad
Caesar Salad with Seared Tuna and Fresh Anchovies
ENTRÉES
Poached and Roasted Chicken with herb Gnocchi, Girolles, Sherry Jus
Roasted Fillet of Beef with Truffled Polenta and a Red Pepper Piperade
Lamb Wellington with Minted Potato Purée, Braised Baby Carrots
John Dory and Langoustines with Pink Fir Potatoes, Artichokes and Carrot Purée
Pavé of Salmon with a Warm Salad of Cucumber, Olives, Tomato Butter Sauce
DESSERTS
Passion Fruit Crême Brulée with Bitter Chocolate Sorbet
Valrhona Chocolate and Black Cherry Fondant
Pear Tartin with Anise Ice Cream
Chocolate Soufflé, Mint Ice Cream
Yay! Take that, misspellings!
While I was typing that, Jean-Phillippe was instructing Rosann and Craig in the finer arts of hand-waving and customer-smoothing. I think they should recommend whichever dishes they're most confident in their team delivering on time, but we'll see.
The first order comes in to the blue team, and Louross wants the team to be "Too smoove for the groove". I'm pretty sure I have that correct. But 37 minutes after the house opened, Rosann hasn't taken an order. That seems strange, but the men only have two tickets, so it's not like she's wildly behind.
First blue appetizer has some quail's eggs that are below par. There are hardly any whites on them, for one thing. Rejected! Bobby is on appetizers, but his scallops have to come from Jason on the fish station. In no time, they are squabbling about whether scallops have been fired and Petrozza has to calm them down.
The first order for the women comes in at 45 minutes in. The men's second try at the quail's eggs is good enough for Chef Ramsay, and food is sent out to customers, who claim to like the scallops.
Chef Ramsay compliments Corey's risotto, which leads her to interview, "I was honestly, like, super-impressed with myself," which I enjoy a lot.
The men have served all their appetizers (good for them!) and move on to appetizers. Jason claims the halibut is ready to go, but Chef Ramsay disagrees, describing more as "raw". Jason tries to cover, but Ramsay exasperatedly tells him to shut up (as Bobby smirks with glee) and then makes everyone come over and feel the cold, raw fish.
Chef Ramsay shouts at Jason about how the halibut is no good, and there's a shot where it's clear that the customers can hear all this perfectly well. There's a guy pretending not to listen, but he can't help but laugh. I think Hell's Kitchen would be fun place to go to, but I would recommend eating something earlier in case you don't get any food.
Petrozza's beef is also not hot. Touch it, everyone. Petrozza tries to claim it's just "rare", but Chef Ramsay isn't buying it. Apparently it's bad to serve undercooked food.
Meanwhile, out in the kitchen, Craig is carrying a chair and absolutely whacks some poor woman in the side of the head. Maybe this isn't such a great restaurant. There's a suspicious insert shot of Jean-Phillippe, and then Craig apologizes to the woman, who cheerfully accepts. That's all?
Chef Ramsay spots that Sharon has raw meat up against cooked meat, which leads to Christina having to recook her stuff, since the whole table has to go out at the same time. Sharon also gets yelled at for having her tongue out.
On the blue team, Petrozza shows a moment of hesitation in cutting the lamb, so Chef Ramsay does it for him. It really does seem to be a constant struggle for him not to just do everything himself. On the plus side, he says that the lamb is beautifully cooked, so Petrozza gets a moment of happiness.
Both kitchens are sending out entrees, but Rosann has invented a new system for delivering tickets to the kitchen. Apparently, she's decided not to hand them all in at once, preferring to hold a few back (for as much as an hour!) so she can trickle them in. Chef Ramsay is almost past profanity, just emitting a falsetto "What?!" as she explains what's happening.
Back on the blue team, Petrozza has missed a beef and doesn't know how cooked it should be, and Jason is standing there shrugging, and there's a bunch of shouting going on (especially from Chef Ramsay). Ben interviews that the communication was very poor, but I should note that he's on desserts, so he hasn't had to do anything yet.
Things are starting to come unglued. Neither team has the beef that's required (leading to a great many shouts of "Where's the beef?" that will warm the heart of any aficionado of old Wendy's commercials) and Matt has somehow set his burner on fire. Chef Ramsay is getting angrier and angrier, when Jean-Phillippe brings back some raw fish for the blue team. Truly, it is time for It to be Shut Down. Doom!
The post-mortem features the word "pathetic" frequently, and the ladies are the losing team. The men successfully got half of their entrees out. Corey is declared "best of the worst", apparently on the strength of that one pan of risotto.
Jen interviews about how she doesn't like Sharon ("AKA Barbie", which would be a pretty good name for a spy show). Normally at this point we'd see a series of scenes where Corey interviews each of the members of her team, but instead she's having a beer in Ben and Bobby's room. It might be a Rolling Rock.
Corey's first nominee "for strategic reasons" is Christina. Apparently she treats Corey "like a dumb blonde". Her second nominee "for personal reasons" is Jen. Ramsay's response, perfectly logically, is "Cor, [bleep] me." At least don't advertise that you're doing these things for personal and strategic reasons, Corey! Ramsay doesn't care who you don't like; he wants to get rid of the worst performer. It can't be a good idea to just tell him that's not what you're doing.
Christina tearfully defends herself against the charge of being condescending to Corey. Matt stifles a laugh. Jason does not stifle his. Corey looks smug. Jen's argument is that she works hard during prep. I'm sure that's useful, but is that important? The editing would have us believe that Jen goes on for quite some time about her prep awesomeness, dissolving ahead and cutting together sentences. For some reason, the phrase "And I've worked in Belgium" shows up and makes me laugh.
Before declaring this week's cut, Chef Ramsay insists on the importance of the prize and explains that he won't hire someone he doesn't believe in. And today, the person he doesn't believe in is... Sharon. Corey's response is both bleeped and blurred. (Spoiler: I believe she said "Fuck!")
Sharon interviews that she doesn't think Gordon liked her. Yes, because he only likes people who can cook. Ramsay explains to Corey that he appreciates her strategy, but that he has a conscience, and that meant that he could not keep Sharon. Nice try, Corey!
Jen gloats about still being here. Christina interviews that now the gloves are off (isn't it hard to cook with gloves on? Maybe she meant oven mitts) and that she'll be gunning for Corey.