Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 21
Best Ramsay Quote of the Night: "If you come in my kitchen with a hat like that, I'll stick it in your [bleep] sideways."
Your New Recapper: Me!
People Who Think It's Time to Get On With It: Pretty much everyone.
Hell's Kitchen. Here we go. You can sing those two sentences to the tune of "Surf City" by the Beach Boys, by the way. Seriously, go ahead. I'll wait.
Right! We kick things off with a full moon, spooky music, and an ominous voiceover saying "For the past six months, all has been quiet at Hell's Kitchen. But although the monster slumbers, the memories live on." It's all very atmospheric in a way that suggests that somebody's been watching a lot of Tim Burton movies during the offseason. Also, they're now trying to claim that the seasons' winners are the only three to have "ever survived Hell's Kitchen." Really? I always wondered where the chefs are going when they walk down that brightly-lit corridor. Apparently they're being slaughtered. Interesting!
we have the ceremonial lighting of the millions of fires and spotlights that festoon the outside of Hell's Kitchen itself, making it as bright as the sun. But there's no time to speculate on their moth problem because we have to get the extremely short introductions. Gordon Ramsay is "The Dark Lord", one lady is "chomping at the bit", another lady asserts that the gloves are off and some guy would like it to be Brought On. That's a lot of metaphors to work through, and I don't think I'm prepared to bring them all into line because we cut to Gordon telling the assembled chefs about the prize. But the chefs haven't assembled yet because we're still at the start of the show, so I'm going to save the prize until later. I have a theory it will be mentioned again.
There are more flashforwards, suggesting that tables will be turning, people will be stepping on other people, throwing people under busses, and having problems with people who treat people...stupider than them? I'm not sure I caught all of that last one, but I have a horrible feeling that it's not going to make any more sense in context. Also, someone thinks that "stupider" is not a word. I'll look forward to that!
But it will not be all sadness. For some chefs, this will apparently be a "dream world," which is illustrated by a cheap carnival Tilt-A-Whirl and assorted fist-pumping. Also, Ramsay will be shouting at people, which naturally comes as quite a surprise. He also throws things and requests that things be shut down. This sequence ends with him saying "Same [bleep], different day," which may mean he's noticed that some of these antics are a little formulaic.
All right. What's past is prologue. The Saga of Hell's Kitchen Continues, starting with Vanessa, 31, a Line Cook with a lip piercing who believes that Hell's Kitchen is her destiny. That sounds a little overblown, but maybe she can compare notes with whoever wrote the introductory speech about the Dark Lord. She is here to win.
Incidentally, there's a consulting producer on this show named "Seven".
up: Rosann, 33, a Receptionist/Former Cook, who has black hair and a pointy chin. I'm sorry to callously reduce her to her physical characteristics like that, but there are a lot of contestants and I want to make sure I can tell them apart. The first words out of her mouth are about being divorced.
All the contestants seem to have been on the same flight, because they're all filing onto one shuttle bus at the airport. And this is where the first Shocking Development takes place, because Gordon Ramsay Himself has been loaded up with makeup so that he can walk with the common people. He's now got long hair and lumpy chin, so he kind of reminds me of a cross between Criss Angel and Quentin Tarantino.
The smirky guy in the back of the bus is talking smack about how he's the only one who knows how to cook. He's also wearing his tall chef's hat even though there is no kitchen on the bus. I assume he thinks it intimidates his opposition. He's Craig, 30, a Sous Chef who racks up five bleeps in this interview alone. At this point, he's ahead of Ramsay, five bleeps to two.
Bobby, 37, is an Executive Chef who believes that none of the other chefs are in his class. He also believes that he is "the black Gordon Ramsay". Well, I think Gordon Ramsay owns eighteen restaurants, so unless you own at least three or four, I'd lay back on that comparison, Bobby.
When they arrive at Hell's Kitchen, it looks pretty much like it did last season, and they're all blown away. Jean-Phillippe (the Belgian Maître d') welcomes them all happily. He's delighted to see them, and they're delighted to see him. He does some amusing imitations of Gordon, which is a setup to hear the chefs' imitations so that Gordon can reveal himself. Gasp! It was Gordon Ramsay all along! Pandemonium! Bobby and Rosann are shocked! So are some other people!
I like the introduction of Gordon Ramsay: Master of Disguise. Maybe every episode can start with him ripping off a crude rubber mask, like Hannibal toward the beginning of most episodes of The A*Team. Or like those episodes of The Tyra Banks Show where she pretends to be fat.
Having dispensed with the frivolities, Gordon tells everyone to get into the kitchen and cook their signature dishes. And we have opening credits! Unlike last season, where everyone was projected onto kitchen implements, this time everyone is teeny and running around a kitchen. Petrozza is a little boxer. Shayna and Ben are holding up a check. Craig is standing to a tomato. Rosann is throwing a tomato to Corey. Dominic cuts it with a chef's knife that must be twelve feet long (but not in that cool Final Fantasy style). Jen is turning on the stove, setting fire to Christina. Jason and Matt are in a pot of some kind, which I don't think can possibly by hygienic. Louross and Vanessa are in the refrigerator. Bobby looks really happy to be pushing a rolling pin. Sharon is in a ladle. And Gordon Ramsay is glaring at them.
Back in the kitchen (with no commercial), there is a frenzy of cooking. I saw some powdered potatoes, I think. And a torch.
Dish One is Craig's. He interviews that he wears this three-foot hat because he's only five-foot-five. Gordon speculates that it's to make up for the size of his penis. So that's why viewer discretion was advised. Craig has made jerk-seared Chilean sea bass over rum raisin risotto. I was going to make a joke about "jerk-seared" but it occurs to me that if this season features the same amount of risotto as last season did, Craig could be sitting pretty. Ramsay's response has a lot of bleeps in it, but it appears that he is not a [bleep] jerk and the food is also [bleep]. And take your hat off, dope.
Dish Two: Jen, 24, a Line Cook who finds her own horn-tooting amusing. She offers to carve Ramsay's face into a watermelon, but I think she meant that the other way around. Right? Although I guess if you started carving up his face, it would look sort of red, wet, and gloppy like a watermelon. She has made a Dungeness crab and corn risotto (risotto again!) with a lobster tail. Gordon says the rice is raw and tells her she can't cook. In an interview, Jen expostulates, "There's a difference between constructive criticism and someone just being a butthead. I think Chef Ramsay might need to read a couple of books. He has absolutely no idea what he's talking about and he has absolutely no idea who he's talking to." Well. That's obviously not going to end well. I think what Jen doesn't realize is that Gordon doesn't care who he's talking to at this stage. He might be laying on the criticism a little thick, but it's your choice to either get offended or buckle down and prove him wrong.
Dish Three comes from Corey, 25, a private chef who looks sort of vaguely like Lisa Kudrow. Gordon asserts that the dish, like Corey, is simple, plain, blonde, and boring. We don't see him taste it. Jason, 29, sous chef, receives some sort of vague "canned food" rebuke. Shayna, 28, owner of a catering company, seems to have burned her food.
Matt, 35, is a sous chef who describes himself as a "culinarian". I have my doubts about that word, but it does appear 38,300 times in Google, including a place to become a "certified culinarian". In the space of thirty seconds, I have gone from being skeptical about whether there's such a thing to wondering if Matt is certified. He's made "Exotic Tartare", which involves venison, diver scallops, caviar, and white chocolate. I like that he has a name for his dish instead of just listing the ingredients. Gordon asks him if he's high before listing more ingredients (quail eggs! Lime zest! Capers!) There is a dramatic pause...and then Gordon Ramsay throws up! Oh my! You'd have to think that's going to be bad for whoever has to go . Ramsay tells Matt that it was the worst thing he's ever tasted, and also to piss off. Matt interviews that he doesn't know what he didn't like. I'm going to guess that "everything" is a good start.
up: Dominic, 43, a stay-at-home dad who looks like a thicker Mo Rocca. Like two Mo Roccas standing right to each other. Or one Mo Rocca that has eaten a second Mo Rocca. He's been cooking at home for ten years, although his children are nine and six years old. He feels that his experience with screaming children will see him through, but he fails to take into account the fact that it's easier to deal with your children, whom you presumably love, than with a shrieking British person who hates you. Unless your kids are British, I guess. He's made chicken cacciatore and roasted orizo. Ramsay feels it's not exciting enough for a 45-minute dish, but you notice he didn't vomit.
Rosann, who it turns out works as a receptionist in a law office because she's "taking a break from culinary", has made a spicy mussel soup, which received the extremely high praise of "actually not too bad". Gordon heaps praise on her palate, because (as you'll remember from last season) he loves the people with less training but better palates. He likes to rub it in to the chefs.
Petrozza, 47, is a catering director, who has cooked a Cornish hen inside a small pumpkin. Gordon can't believe it either. And there are some potatoes literally dripping with grease. The presentation is fairly off-putting and the dish turns out to be called "Hen in a Pumpkin." Even Matt is laughing as Petrozza slumps back to the line. Before I give up on him completely, I should mention that Petrozza looks a little like Paul Giamatti, so at least he's got that going for him.
Sharon, 31, is a room service chef, which sounds vaguely illicit. Her eye shadow doesn't help. Neither does her food. Ben and Christina are rejected even before I can write down their ages and occupations. Louross (the guy with the mohawk) is also rejected. I like Louross because he has a real mohawk instead of those faux-hawks you see so often on cooking shows these days.
Second-to-last: Vanessa, who has pan-seared a halibut then put it in the oven. Gordon thanks her and calls it delicious. She pumps the fist, and why not?
Finally, Bobby, the black Gordon Ramsay. He's made a Hawaiian butterfish with roasted red pepper thai sauce. The white Gordon Ramsay does not approve of deep-frying the fish. Bobby interviews that he is a four-star general, which is about the sixth time he has called himself that. You know, there is such a thing as a five-star general. I mean, they're not common, but if you're going to invent a military rank for yourself, why not go straight to the top? Why not be Admiral of the Moon while you're at it? I think I might not like Bobby.
Gordon does the standard posturing about whether any of them are good enough for the Fabulous Prize. One of them will be Executive Chef at his new Los Angeles Restaurant, "The London L.A.", which is a name that confuses me. Louross (24, hotel chef) says that he would like the prize because "Louross London L.A." has three Ls in it. I would have thought the money and prestige were the main draw, but apparently for Louross, nothing beats alliteration. It's also apparently "L Boogie to the beat". Yeah, and when you take that bus, you get there. Don't push me, Louross. A real mohawk can only take you so far, and you lost most of that ground when I noticed your soul patch.
Jason is a bald guy with a chin beard who says that winning would change his life. Women will call him "Jason with a pocketful of money" and he'll have to beat them off with a stick. I don't think that's how you're supposed to do it.
Scott is the men's sous chef and Gloria (replacing Mary-Ann) will be running the girls' team. Girls? Oh well. The Men are Blue and the Women are Red. Oh, and this year each team will have to name a captain. Off to the dorms!
The women vote for Vanessa because she was the only one who did well in the challenge. The men squabble and posture and smoke. The women flip through the three-ring binder that contains this season's menu, which we're told is the most challenging yet. Through the magic of HDTV, I can report that one of the dishes involves lamb, cooked until the middle flanges find the pea and knee to wood. Hmm. That sounds complicated!
All of the soft drinks have red tape partially obscuring the logos, but not very well.
Finally, Bobby stands and shouts, "I vote me for captain!" Everyone else gives up and votes for him and then goes to bed. Meanwhile, the women are staying up studying. Good for them!
day: Lots of preparation. Matt admits that Bobby's a good leader, and he does seem to be keeping good communication, asking when certain things are done and generally getting things moving. Meanwhile, the women can't find Vanessa. Sous chef Gloria feels the women are going too slow. Someone falls down, but at this point, I can't tell who it was.
It's time for the Pre-Service Pep Talk, which goes like this:
Ramsay: "Tonight should be the most successful opening ever in Hell's Kitchen."
Bobby Interview: "The Blue Team is ready to go. I'm not letting that team lose tonight."
Ramsay: "Bobby. What are the five entrees on the menu?"
Bobby: "Ummmmm...if...I'm not sure..."
Ramsay: "Matt. What are the five entrees?"
Matt: "Uhh...."
Entire Women's Team: Raises hands, thinks "Pick me! I know!"
Petrozza also does not know. Chef Ramsay is incredulous.
Back from the commercials, people are lining up out front and none of the men know what the menu is. Ramsay finally asks a woman and Christina knows that the entrees are Lamb en croûte, salmon, John Dory (I think -- there is a fish called John Dory. But it could have been "tandoori"; she talked pretty fast), beef filet, and a poached and roasted chicken. Ramsay thanks her wearily but sincerely.
According to Matt, "Knowing the menu is one thing. Cooking the menu is another thing." Well, sure, but isn't the first part kind of a prerequisite? What were you guys planning to do exactly? Just fry up whatever was at hand and hope that it came close to something on the menu? Were you maybe thinking this was Iron Chef?
Moving on, there's an amuse bouche, which Ramsay alleges to be stunning. One person from each team will be serving tableside, which means historically teams have chosen to shove someone out of the kitchen. This time, Chef Ramsay makes the call: Petrozza for the Blue and Shayna for the Red.
"Jean-Phillippe: Open Hell's Kitchen". In they come. The first dish is for the blue side, but where's Jason? Oh, there he is: in the dorms, having a smoke. There are cricket noises. And a bullfrog as he picks his toes. Wow, you would think a guy could at least show up for the first service.
The amuse bouches looks to be some kind of shrimp. That can't be right, can it? Anyway, it's flambé, which is always fun.
Jen is running roughshod over Sharon (whom she calls "the taller Barbie" on the strength of her blonde hair and "big knockers") in the appetizer station, and that results in unsatisfactory risotto. On the blue side, Jason has also ruined some risotto, to the point where Chef Ramsay does that thing where he makes everyone taste it. Apparently, it needs salt.
Bobby interviews that he personally could have run the appetizers, cold salads, and meats all by himself. And why didn't he? Because he's a "nice guy". Chef Ramsay calls him [bleep] useless.
On the red side, Chef Ramsay gets fed up (heh) with the risotto and tells Sharon to go put on more makeup and switches Jen onto appetizers.
45 minutes into the service and no food has left the kitchen. Somebody berates poor Jean-Phillippe about the lack of food. Honestly, you went to the first night of Hell's Kitchen and expected food? That's just silly.
Jason has burned risotto and forgotten scallops. Chef Ramsay is angry. See, that's why you go to Hell's Kitchen: so you can sit and watch people get yelled at. And now Jason is being forced to eat the whole plate of risotto. He looks glum, as well he might. Meanwhile, at least the tableside flambés are fun.
Based on some bad eggs, Chef Ramsay demotes Vanessa from Captain and promotes Rosann, who immediately starts keeping up a line of chatter like she's a Little League shortstop.
Dominic gets yelled at for not knowing what to do with his scallops, and then Chef Ramsay goes on one of those tears where he insults everyone on one team, ending with calling Louross a toilet brush, presumably on the strength of the hairstyle. It seems that he blames Bobby for not taking control. As soon as Chef Ramsay leaves, Bobby explains that he doesn't want to jump in, because "you guys got it over there". That's some good four-star generalling right there. Bobby doesn't want to join the chaos.
On the Red side, Jen's risotto has passed the test, and that means that some customers are actually getting some food. On the blue side, nothing is happening. Dominic is just standing around with scallops on his hand, not doing anything. That's not great.
Louross has had enough and starts yelling at people to taste their food and actually telling them what's needed (salt and pepper, it turns out. Who knew?). Chef Ramsay promptly demotes Bobby and promotes Louross in a hail of bleeping. Bobby interviews that he thinks he's still a general, even though he's not technically in charge of anybody.
Chef Ramsay makes everyone taste Corey's chicken and then makes a big production of throwing it against a wall because it's rubber. He also makes a reference to rounders, which is timely, what with baseball having just started up again.
The blue team is starting to get food out, but customers are leaving. Oh no! I guess there's only so long people are willing to sit around before they get chased out by production assistants. Honestly, you're telling me people wouldn't sit at their tables all night if they were allowed to? If the current state of reality television has shown us nothing else (and it hasn't), it's shown that people will do anything to be on television. And "snacking on bread for a couple of hours" seems like a small price to pay. But be that as it may, they're leaving. It is time, it seems, for It to be Shut Down.
The final tally: no entrees served on either side. Yow. Chef Ramsay is particularly unhappy with Bobby (hid behind his team), Jason (sunk his team), Vanessa (not loud enough), and Corey (rubbery chicken). Neither team is the winner, and the losing team is [huge pause] the men, which sets off a rumble of kodo drums for some reason. Louross is given the task of picking two people to be chosen between.
Back at the dorm, there is an absolute frenzy of smoking, including a number of people smoking while sitting on exercise equipment. Ben and others are unhappy about Bobby. Dominic feels that he did poorly. He says that he's "been out of the kitchen for ten years", so I'm guessing he's got some kind of actual kitchen experience back there somewhere.
Louross picks Bobby (on the grounds of poor communication during service) and the second nominee is --
So you know how there are really long pauses on this show? People will start a sentence, then sigh heavily and then there will be a music sting while we get dramatic close-ups of every single person in the room, then there's a commercial, then we start over, right? Do you think they actually pause anywhere near that long? I mean, they obviously don't have a commercial break in there, but even without that, we're talking about really long pauses that would seem odd without the background music.
In local news, some people want to build a new basketball arena that looks kind of like a gigantic trilobite. Interesting plan.
Anyway, the second nominee is Dominic, since he couldn't cook the scallops. He also seems to be a bit of a weasel, since he explains that his poor performance was because he wasn't guided right. He could totally have cooked those scallops, but the poor leadership made him throw thirty of them away. Sure.
Bobby says that "in all actuality", his entrees were ready to go. If the team he was captaining never got an appetizer done, that's a hard claim to test.
Chef Ramsay gets rid of Dominic, which I'm guessing means that he thinks Bobby has a shot at not stinking. Dominic walks down the dramatic hallway.
Jason talks tough about how he doesn't like losing to girls. He should consider cooking better than them. That would be a good start.
week: "A Hell's Kitchen you'll have to see to believe." Are they calling me a liar?