Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: Only 23? Can that be right?
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 28, according to my notes. They're a foul-mouthed lot, aren't they?
Best Ramsay Quote of the Night: "You moved like a [bleep] tortoise giving birth."
Fair warning: in the last three days, the following things have stopped working: my car's driver-side window, my cell-phone, my laptop, and my left kidney. They've all gotten back into line (more or less), but I'm still a little bit cranky. I'm hoping that suspiciously incompetent cooks being yelled at by a strangely charismatic Scotsman will take away my troubles for an hour. Or longer, depending on how long this takes me. Let's go!
Last week: A tie! A tiebreaker! Jen complaining! Petrozza was done! Bobby was actually pretty cool! Sharon kind of stunk! Corey's strategic nominations got overruled! And we're told that "Sharon walked out of Hell's Kitchen...forever." And now, the continuation! Let's continuate, shall we?
Jen bleeps up a storm on the way back to the dorms, insisting that she will not be gotten rid of and that Corey is a dumb blonde for nominating her. That's pretty classy, that move where as soon as someone annoys you in any way, you refer to their physical characteristics as a negative.
Christina takes it a little better in an interview, saying that Corey is threatened by her, "and she should be." Unfortunately, in person, she's practically in tears, insisting that Corey was "vindictive and hateful". More people pontificate on Corey's move, including Petrozza and Bobby, but we move on before too long. I'm thankful, because I like this show more when it's not all about "people stuck in a house squabbling at each other."
And speaking of squabs, we cut directly to a flock of chickens that has been let loose in the dorms. Also, apparently somebody has given Ramsay access to a PA system, which he uses to say "Wakey wakey. Grab your chicken and head downstairs now." I'm almost positive the actual saying does not include the word "chicken".
After some fiddle-playin' and banjo-pickin', each of the chefs has acquired a bird. And Chef Ramsay has a cleaver! Corey exposits that she doesn't want to have to "kill it live", which is certainly the most common way to do it. After a dramatic pause, in which the cleaver's blade is held right on the chicken's neck, Chef Ramsay calls the chefs doughnuts and then lectures them about respecting the product.
As the doughnuts get ready for action, Matt interviews that the animosity on the women's team will tear them apart or something. The challenge is much like last week's, but with a chicken instead of a halibut. Each chef has five minutes to break a chicken into eight pieces: breast, breast, thigh, thigh, drum, drum, wing, wing.
Oh! It's time for Jason's Misogyny Corner! Take it, Jason: "We're gonna win because we're men. This ain't the Dust and Housekeepin' Challenge here." Eh. Not his best work, I think. Full marks for stupidity, but I felt he kind of mailed it in with the hatred. I'm sorry, Jason, I can only award you 7 out of 10 this week. Feel free to keep trying, though, because I'm certain you have it in you to be an absolutely enormous jackass, and I do want you to achieve your potential.
Matt and Ben finish first and then worry about Craig's slowness. Shayna is last, and gets some encouragement while I try to figure out if she was on the two episodes. They wouldn't sneak a new doughnut in on me, would they?
Jen goes first, and Chef Ramsay does not care for her drums (which is what chefs call drumsticks, apparently). But she gets six out of eight. Shayna: six out of eight. Vanessa: 8/8. Rosann: 8/8. Christina: 8/8. Corey: 8/8. Even Jen applauds her, which I approve of; you have to at least pretend to be a team in front of Chef Ramsay. In an interview, Christina still hates Corey. Got it.
So the women got 44 out of a possible 48, just missing with Shayna and Jen's drumsticks. Not bad. ,p>In a special bonus installment of Jason's Misogyny Corner, Jason explains that the men will still win because "We're [bleep] men. C'mon." And then he does this thing where he sticks his tongue into his lower lip. I don't know what effect he's going for there. It is not dashing." Anyway, Chef Ramsay heaps abuse on Jason's chicken and we go to commercial.
Oh! We have the return of the episode-specific commercial-bumper pitchforks! This one is a breast of chicken being swirled around a frying pan and leaving the HK logo behind it, I guess made out of the fat drippings. Fancy!
Anyway, Jason's first piece is so bad, I can't even tell what it was supposed to be, but he still gets six out of eight. Petrozza: 8/8. Ben: 8/8. I like this challenge, because it is our first chance to see the contestants actually doing well at something. It's a nice change from the unrelenting incompetence we've been shown so far. Craig gets two out of eight, and that means the men can't catch up.
The men's punishment is to go pick peppers on a hundred-acre farm. I wonder if they will meet Christopher Robin! Wait, that's the Hundred Acre Wood, isn't it. Phooey. Anyway, the women are going to "one of the most famous restaurants on the Sunset Strip." Is it the Whisky a Go-Go? Mötley Crüe got their start there, you know.
The women dress and groom and whatnot. ("Whatnot" in this case includes leg-shaving) The men complain about Craig. Matt, Craig's roommate, stomps around and puts on his work clothes very angrily. Then he kicks some things, then he tries to out-offensive Jason with an interview featuring an imitation of someone who has undergone shock treatment. Then, in the best moment of the episode, he's sitting cross-legged on the floor, toward the end of his tantrum, and he throws his shoe against the wall--and it bounces up and bonks him in the forehead. And he looks very sad. Ha! That's right, I take pleasure in other people's misery.
The men file downstairs in their (freshly-pressed) work clothes and are further humiliated to learn that they will be riding in a battered blue school bus. Louross describes the bus as "ganky-looking", and I have to say I agree with him.
The women take the nice bus to someplace called the "Saddle Ranch". The worst thing in the Saddle Ranch is not the mechanical bull in the center of the dining room. No, the worst thing is that on top of the mechanical bull, Season 3's Aaron is waving a hat and shouting "Yee-ha!" You remember Aaron? Asian fella, kind of portly, had to quit halfway through the season because he had some vaguely-defined medical condition that made him have to sit down a lot? Some people posted in the forums that he was a big faker? Yeah, that guy. Ramsay does not seem entirely thrilled to see him, but he's also amused.
Aaron leaves, and the women ride the mechanical bull. Then they concoct theories on how to psyche out the men and pick them off one by one. That's about it.
In the fields, it is hot. Ben throws a pepper at Craig. Jason complains. Then they come back.
Okay, so here's the women's Grand Plan: Corey, Christina, and possibly Shayna are in the hot tub, and they call Ben to join them. I'm not sure what was supposed to happen , because Ben is onto them and their feminine wiles. He will not be lured! However, Jason is happy to strip down and get into the hot tub, although I don't think he knew they were going to put that Low Rider bassline up as the accompaniment. ["Has to be mentioned that he clumsily tripped getting into the hot tub. What a doofus." -- Angel]
So once Jason's in the hot tub, the women ply him with chicken and beer (temptresses!) and get him to tell them what's going on with his team. So now they know that people aren't happy with Craig, but I still don't see how that's going to translate into a win, you know? It seems like they'd be better off practicing their risotto, although I can see how that would make for less compelling television.
The day, Ben is furious with Jason for spilling the beans, and it now seems like people aren't happy with Jason, so the Craig thing is old news. Ben also wants Jason to work "like a [bleep] Comanche". And I'm not sure how that would work. Judging from Wikipedia, the tradition Comanche diet doesn't really seem suited to a modern kitchen. You'd need an open fire, for one thing.
Pre-service pep talk: Chef Ramsay would like a full service. As would the guests! Tonight, there's a special dish: escalope of chicken with peppers, capers, and crème fraîche. The blue team will continue to be punished for losing the challenge because Bobby will be cooking table-side for his team, while the women get Jean-Phillipe. I suspect that Chef Ramsay is purposely taking Bobby out of the way so he can keep an eye on the chefs he thinks are worse, but that's just guesswork.
Jason is on desserts, and that means it's time for someone on the men's team to be put on the spot. Jason, name the desserts! He gets three or four before he dries up completely. He's sent upstairs to cram, but (since it'll be a couple hours before desserts are needed) Chef Ramsay goes ahead and tells Jean-Phillipe to open Hell's Kitchen now.
First table is the women's, and Christina (on "hot appetizers", which means "risotto" sound pretty confident that they'll have food at the window in five and a half minutes. On the men's side, Craig is on hot appetizers, and he's too stressed out to even answer his team when they ask how long it will be.
The women's first dish has something wrong with the salad. I am distracted from my task of finding out what by Chef Ramsay insisting that Rosann ("cold appetizers", i.e. "salad") is from "the back streets." Is she?
The men's side has a bacon-related catastrophe, which is Craig's fault. Chef Ramsay sends out half the table, which leads to this ominous voiceover: "An hour and a half into dinner service, only half of one blue table has received any appetizers." Really? Surely that counts some amount of people sitting around before they order, right? On the red side, things are going better.
Okay, remember last week when Petrozza was sitting around glumly and Bobby came to pep him up and all but carry him back into the dining room? This week, Jason is the glum one and Louross is the peppy one, except with a lot more swearing on both sides. Jason claims he panics when Ramsay yells at him. Louross's basic message is "Don't let him [bleep] you up. Just come on!"
In the kitchen, Jason is still staring at a menu when Chef Ramsay yanks it out of hands. The desserts. Go! He gets as far as "Chocolate fondant with um." Chef Ramsay is appalled as Jason mumbles things like "I know this [bleep]" and "You know what, I can't do it. I really can't." Chef Ramsay brings the whole team around and grills Jason. "D'you want to go home?" "Yeah." "You want to go home." "Yeah, [bleep]." "That's you?" "Yeah." "You're done." "I'm done."
After commercials, Chef Ramsay won't give up on Jason, exhorting him to dig deep. Miraculously, he gets through the desserts. Jason interviews, "You know, I don't think he wanted me to quit. I think he wanted to beat my ass a little more! He wasn't done with the whuppin'!" Well, sure, but it's not because he's a mean person; he just wants you to actually succeed at something, and he believes that shouting at people is the best way to motivate them.
Anyway, back to the cooking: the women are up to entrees, and Vanessa's meat, which is supposed to be Medium and Medium Well is actually, according to Chef Ramsay, raw. Everyone's on the meat station! Vanessa breaks down in an interview and also in the kitchen.
On the men's side, the first Chicken Special of the evening. Bobby has to start the chicken tableside and rely on the team in the kitchen to have the rest of the dishes when they're supposed to. Matt and Louross have a breakdown in communication, and then we get an appearance by Scott (the men's sous chef) shouting at Ben about some allegedly-burnt salmon. Chef Ramsay gets into Ben's face, and Ben gets a little mopey.
Bobby's at a table of six and, thinking quickly, offers to cut the chicken into six pieces so that the whole table has something to eat while the salmon gets recooked. Jean Phillipe is a little goggle-eyed at the idea, but it seems to be getting by with the customers. On the red side, meanwhile, a customer has spelled out "S.O.S" with bread. And he gets on television! Oh, and I can actually see a cameraman in one of these shots, which happens a lot more rarely than you'd think.
On the women's side, Rosann's pan has caught fire, which causes the usual amount of bleeps and unhappiness. It flares up really nicely when Chef Ramsay throws it in the sink.
The men have reached desserts, and Jason does not inspire confidence with "Is this the right way to do it? I hope it is." And then his interview continues the theme: "I don't have a clue on this Earth what I'm doing. I hate desserts. They're tedious. Women can make desserts, you know? It ain't my thing." That's pretty good, but I'm afraid the judging has closed for this round of Misogyny Corner. I like the addition of complete surrealistic nonsense, though; it's just the sort of thing that could put you through to the round.
Louross explains to Jason what a cooked crème brûlée looks like (answer: "like Jason's looked like about a minute ago"), and Jason also does not know how to operate a soufflé. Have you ever noticed how many fancy accents are involved with fine dining? I blame the French. At any rate, Chef Ramsay is not pleased with Jason's soufflé-saving plan ("get a little sugar and rub it around the rim") and goes off to pound his head on the counter. "Now I've got a [bleep] headache," comes the inevitable complaint. And then Ben's salmon is raw, so it's time to line up the chefs and Shut It Down.
Both teams lose. Christina and Petrozza are instructed to nominate one chef each. As Bobby leaves the dining room, he waves to the customers, which sets Chef Ramsay off again. No waving! No being happy! Get out! Get out! Get out! I never though Gordon Ramsay would remind me of Buffy's sister Dawn.
In the dorms, everyone is devastated. Jen thinks that none of them are competent to run Gordon's restaurant, and I have to admit that the thought had also occurred to me. Christina wishes that she could nominate Corey. Petrozza talks about sending Craig and Jason. Corey vows to go [bleep] nuts. I hope so!
Downstairs, Petrozza has picked Jason because he thinks Jason "has trouble with cooking skills and communication." Christina has picked Vanessa, but we have to wait until after the commercials to find out why.
During the commercials, I find that I'm actually looking forward to Baby Mama. What have I become?
Ah, Vanessa was picked because she was on meats, which "went down in flames. Literally." Very droll. Okay, Jason, why should you stay? "I deserve to stay because I have yet to totally prove myself." What? That's not a reason to stay! That's a reason to be thrown out on your ear! Vanessa, meanwhile, is in tears because she's so mad at herself.
Vanessa stays. Jason's out, and has the effrontery to roll his eyes when he hands over his jacket. He delivers one last Misogyny Corner, working in a bit of homophobia in the form of claiming not be a "pansy", and then he's gone. Finally! Maybe he can keep doing Misogyny Corner to the other people on the subway or something.
week: you won't believe this, but something is raw and something else catches fire. The "most explosive Hell's Kitchen yet" sounds a lot like every other episode.