I know that everyone will be shocked -- SHOCKED! -- to hear this, but it turns out that Izzie and George have no sexual chemistry. They spend the episode trying and trying to get the magic back from their drunken encounter, but nothing is working. And to that I say, thank God, and maybe this is the beginning of the end of that really, really bad idea. Another twosome that has no chemistry is Hahn and Cristina. Hahn actually switches around her assigned resident because she doesn't want to work with Cristina, and she takes Meredith instead. Cristina is absolutely crushed, and tries doing ortho with Callie, but so far nothing lights her fire like cardio. Bailey tells her that she needs to look for another specialty since it's not working out with Hahn, but reveals later that this was just to get her to look around, realize cardio is her calling, and fight harder for it. Why was Bailey giving out this advice? Callie, still having a rough go of things, asked Bailey to cover for her Chief Resident duties for a day so that she could do a bunch of surgeries and feel better about herself. This turns into a few days, and it also illustrates just how awesome Bailey is at running things and solving problems. Richard notices what's going on, and finally admits he should have named Bailey as Chief Resident in the first place. He then offers her the job and fires Callie.
Meredith's patient of the week is a mother who came in with her baby, panicked because she fell down some stairs and hit the baby's head. Once she hands off her daughter, however, she collapses and it turns out she has massive internal injuries. Hahn needs to perform multiple surgeries on her heart and lungs in an effort to keep her alive. Her husband is having a hard time of it because they had only adopted the baby a week before, and he doesn't feel any attachment to her. Lexie is tasked with watching over the baby, and is having a really hard time with the idea that the dad wants to give her up if his wife dies. While his wife is in surgery, Meredith gets him to admit the few things he knows about the baby, and points out that those are things no one else knows. Somehow this gets through to him, and although he runs from the hospital when his wife dies, he ends up returning to take care of his daughter. Lexie, inspired by this, tells Meredith some random facts about herself -- including her mad Etch-A-Sketch skillz -- in hopes that these will give Meredith reason to not hate her so much. Meredith, who had asked Alex to stop seeing Lexie, changes her mind and has Alex get a drunk Lexie home that night. They arrive just in time to see a disheveled, drunk Thatcher stumble out of the house to try and drive to the store for some booze. Alex, in a move he clearly learned from past personal experience, offers to go pick up some more alcohol for him and although he royally pisses Thatcher off, he keeps him from driving drunk. Lexie is both grateful and humiliated, and makes Alex promise not to tell Meredith about the state their father is in. That's probably a good thing, because Meredith is feeling good enough by the end of the episode to actually spend some time in bed with Derek rather than sprinting back home, giving all of us hope that maybe she might pull it together after all.
It's nighttime in Seattle, but not just any nighttime: it's the nighttime of Izzie and George's for reals this time, perfect, awesome, sexy sex. But Izzie looks like it's less than perfect; instead she looks incredible alarmed, staring at the ceiling, naked and sweaty. Meredith's mercifully brief VO begins, "Before we were doctors, we were med students. Which meant we spent a lot of time studying chemistry." George is also lying in bed, really sweaty, and really confused. They make some talk about how "wow" the sex was, and George also comments that it was extremely aerobic, hence the sweat. Izzie asks if aerobic is bad, and he asks it right back, insuring that it was aerobic-really-bad. Izzie tries to make some excuses about them being nervous, while George sits with his hands in the air like he's paralyzed and agrees, laughing too hard. They decide to do it again, and it sounds a lot more like doing chemistry homework than having perfect, hot, awesome sex.
Meredith's voice supplies options. "Organic chemistry. Biochemistry. We learned it all." She and Derek are in his trailer, also studying anatomy. Derek asks her what's new and she nonchalantly replies, "I saw my half-sister naked. What's new with you?" Taken out of context, that could be a situation you only find on certain websites you don't want to visit on a public computer. Derek's night consisted of dinner and a movie with Richard. She gets up and he pulls her back down and kisses her, assuring her that she could stay. She of course gets up to go for real: "Leave you wanting more and all that." Derek is past even looking like he enjoys this pathetic flirting. Her voice-over finishes, "But when you're talking about human chemistry, only one thing matters. Either you've got it, or you don't." Cristina punctuates the statement by slowly beginning to paint a wall in her apartment red.
At the Summer Camp for Lovelorn Surgeons, the Chief drops off a pile of clothes on the table where Derek is enjoying the paper. He announces that this is his dry cleaning, and that there's a stain on one sleeve that Derek should make sure they note. Derek furrows his brow like the pro he is, but the Chief just happily forges ahead with plans for the evening. "I'm thinking Godfather tonight." Derek unenthusiastically says that sounds good, and as Richard walks away he does a questionable Brando: "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse." He's very proud of himself, and Derek humors him. As Richard turns to walk back to his trailer he mouths, "Stella!"
At the hospital, Hahn erases the name "Yang" from the board as Mark walks up, and she explains that she's taking Meredith from him that week, since her mom was a great surgeon and she's curious to see how Mere stacks up. Mark points out that the way things are supposed to work there is that they are all assigned a resident, and there's a schedule. Hahn tells him the schedule doesn't take into account certain things, "Like the fact that I don't want Yang." She heads off as Derek walks up and Mark announces, "She's sassy." Derek informs him, "She's a woman of substance. You two have nothing in common." He then leaves to pick up Richard's dry cleaning, and Mark is not convinced when Derek explains that they're helping each other out. But when Mark asks what Richard is doing for Derek, it turns out what he's bringing to the table is his DVD collection. Mark smirks as he announces, "You're dating the Chief!" Derek laughs a second but then realizes the truth of the statement.
Meredith's talking to Alex as they get to work, assuring him, totally unconvincingly, that she doesn't care if he sleeps with Lexie. He grumbles that he just can't do it at his house, to which Meredith replies that it's her house. Point to Meredith. When Alex brushes it off as a one-time thing, Meredith looks sort of scandalized, and it seems like getting yet another reaction regarding Lexie is the last straw, and he asks her what the problem is with her sister. Meredith is quick to respond that Lexie's not her sister. Like George and Izzie, and Meredith talking about her problems, this comeback is getting old. Alex heads off and George takes his place at Mere's side. He's standing really stiffly, with his head at a funny angle, but tries to deny that he looks weird. Meredith tells him she knows him, so he sits her down and announces, "It's horrible. The sex. With Izzie. HORRIBLE." Millions of viewers could have told him this and saved him a lot of trouble. Meredith's eyebrows rise in a warning that this conversation could go badly any second, and it does. George goes on to say that while Izzie is an angel, she appears to be trying to channel a porn star, and though you'd think her acting dirty and sexy is great, it's not. Meredith is appropriately horrified as George continues, "Izzie, just because you can do that with your legs doesn't mean you should..." At this point he notices Mere has squeezed her eyes shut and is covering her ears. They stand up suddenly, and after a beat Meredith admits, "I want to run." Realizing just how bad things just got, George orders her, "Run! Run now!"
Unfortunately she runs into the lounge and finds Izzie waiting for her. When Izzie greets her by announcing, "I love George!" Mere breathes, "Oh God." She looks like a cornered animal, which of course Izzie doesn't notice at all. She gazes to the heavens the way a little girl would imagine a grown-up would talk about her True Love, and goes on about how wonderful, perfect and sexy George is, except that he kisses like a chicken. He pecks and pecks at her face, and when he's pecking she forgets that she loves him and that he's sexy and perfect. Meredith looks like she's actually going to turn to dust after all of this, and when Cristina comes in, she runs off to talk to her. Cristina announces that she's painting Burke's apartment so that she'll think of it as her own apartment. "A happy color. Red. Like blood." She's elated that she's on cardio all week, so it comes as a horrible surprise when Alex corrects her that Meredith's down as being with Hahn instead. Always delicate with others' feelings, Alex informs her, "Dude, wake up and smell the surgical board."
The Chief is in the hall, telling off Callie for screwing up scheduling and not having a resident available when a patient coded a few days before. He's pretty unhappy, and orders her to clean up the schedule. He leaves and Bailey walks up, observing, "The Chief had on his stern face." Callie replies that she was in a really good mood because of the prospect of back-to-back surgeries. She then decides to take a bit of advantage of Bailey's offer to help her out, and before she can say anything, Bailey notes warily, "You have on your 'I want something' face." Callie begs her to cover her Chief Resident duties for the day. "Be me! But better. Be you." Before I even knew where this was going, my first thought was that Callie better be careful what she wishes for. She then leaves before Bailey can say no.
Alex walks in to a patient named Jerry's room. Jerry is played by Kurt Fuller, who could compete for the Ultimate Hey, It's That Guy! Crown, but isn't the first thing everyone places him in Wayne's World? If it's just me, I don't want to know. Jerry is massively constipated post-surgery, incredibly grouchy, and likes to say "crap" a lot. He's generally a pain in the ass, demanding to know if the surgery was botched, and cuts off Alex's answer to talk about how, throughout every sucky part of his life, "The one thing I had going for me is I crap like clockwork. I want it back." Maybe after he gets it back, he should look into cultivating a hobby or something else a little more socially acceptable to give him a reason to live. He demands Alex write him a prescription that will fix him, and Alex seems to barely contain his exasperation.
Cristina's looking at the surgical board that broke her heart. She tells Bailey that Hahn's job is to teach and that she can't just do this. "So make her teach me." Bailey just shrugs and replies, "If the chemistry isn't there..." I think Cristina has a point about it being a job and not just a whim, but as I've pointed out a million times before, we shouldn't focus on the questionable practices of Seattle Grace. Cristina thinks Hahn just doesn't like her, but Bailey points out that Hahn says it's a chemistry thing. Apparently she said this off-screen, since we never saw anything other than that she just doesn't like Cristina. Cristina goes to find Callie, but Bailey catches her and says that Callie told Bailey to tell Cristina (phew) that she should find another specialty. Cristina's shocked, but Bailey just tells her that it's not working with Hahn, so she should make it work with another field, and suggests the ER. Cristina wants to protest, but Bailey tells her it's an order and not a request, adding belatedly, "From your Chief Resident."
Actually taking advice for once, Cristina dejectedly leads her interns (hey, they're back this week!) to the ER, and for exposition purposes tells them that it can be a "candy store" of things like car crashes and impalements. Remind me never to move to Seattle if getting impaled isn't uncommon. She asks the nurse what they've got, and the little life left in her seeps out when she hears it's a sprained ankle and an infected bunion. She tells the interns, "It can also strip you of your will to live." She then orders them to troll and find her something good. Lexie still hasn't shown herself to be too good at following directions, and instead of leaving she goes up to Cristina to ask if Meredith said anything about her, since Mere's been avoiding her "for days." If you already feel like your resident hates you, continuing to ask her personal questions about her best friend when she clearly hates that isn't going to end well. And it doesn't, but as Cristina starts to tell her off, a hysterical woman bursts through the doors carrying an infant. She fell down, and the baby hit her head and then stopped crying on the way over. She's too terrified to give the baby to anyone, instead begging Cristina or anyone to promise her that the baby will be okay. "You don't die from falling down the stairs, right?" Oh no, ma'am, you never should ask that rhetorical question in an ER; it never ends well. Cristina finally convinces her to hand over the baby. After a quick look she orders Lexie to take her and page Derek, and the relieved mother grabs her in a hug and won't let go. However, she then collapses, unconscious, and Cristina calls for a crash cart over the title card.
Cristina is working on the mother and as she puts in a tube, blood gushes out of the mother's chest. Hahn and Meredith file in and Cristina explains that her name is Teresa Brotherton (apparently Cristina can add "psychic" before "Dr." on her business cards, because Teresa never told her that before she passed out) and explains she used a needle for a tension pneumo. Because someone on the writing staff clearly wants me to have to recap collapsed lungs as much as possible since it's so fun to relive. In response Hahn makes some assessments and asks if she can feel that, but when Cristina puts her hand in, Hahn snaps that she was talking to Meredith. It's a little passive-aggressive for a woman who's supposed to be so ballsy and awesome, not to mention a little bit one-note already since I can't figure out a good reason why she'd hate Cristina so much. Especially when you consider that she once complimented Cristina for being like her when she was younger. Regardless, Hahn dismisses Cristina, and although Meredith looks kind of awkward after viewing the exchange, she goes in and takes over.
George is having an exciting day in the clinic, treating a boy who swallowed a marble. The hard part of this is dealing with his parents, who are arguing about literally everything in an absolutely embarrassing and disgusting spectacle. Also embarrassing -- I never caught the kid's name and he doesn't appear anywhere that lists the cast, so I have no idea what his name is. So for the purposes of this recap, his name is The Kid. He yells at his parents to shut up and apologizes for them to George, prompting a reprimand from his dad for being rude. "Rude" is airing all of your marital problems to a room full of strangers, but that could just be me. The Kid sits up and excitedly asks if he gets something. As it turns out, his mom said that he'd get anything he wanted if he went to the hospital. Clearly, what she was not expecting was for him to stand up and happily announce, "I want you guys to get a divorce." Rather than realize how pathetic you must be if your eight-year-old is asking this from you, his dad asks if he'd rather have a puppy. Of course this prompts more arguing.
Vicki Lewis is the last patient this week, and she's got purple lines drawn all over her face where Mark will be operating. He explains to Izzie what he'll be doing when Vicki turns and glumly asks if surgery will make her look more like Izzie. Mark, as he does, smoothly tells her she's prettier than Izzie, but Vicki morosely asks how come she can't remember the last time she had sex. "I bet Dr. Stevens can remember the last time she had sex." I'm actually surprised, given the way things usually work in this hospital, that Izzie didn't blurt her sexual problems to her patient, but she actually keeps quiet and rolls her eyes while Mark tells Vicki not to harass the residents. Vicki bitterly tells Izzie she's getting worry lines though Vicki's sure she has nothing to worry about. Well, she did back when the character had substance -- things such as her career, her dead fiancé, and her baby given up for adoption. Izzie argues, but Vicki just yells at her about her frown lines, and as she continues yelling about going downhill, Mark and Izzie beat a hasty retreat.
Out in the hall, Hahn walks up to Mark, shows him an x-ray, and asks what he sees. He sees multiple rib fractures and a massive pneumothorax. Hahn corrects, "Actually, it's you giving up OR 2. My patient is emergent." Mark argumentatively asks what he should tell his patient, and Hahn said if it was her she'd tell her to age gracefully. He watches her leave with an air of admiration. And because it's Mark, that admiration is clearly tinged with a desire to get in her pants.
Derek's talking to Sean, Teresa's husband, and tells him that his baby has a brain contusion. (Thanks, IMDB! And no thanks to you, writers, who got really lazy about actually calling characters by their names this week!) Despite how awful that sounds, he says it's basically a bruise and only a slight one, but he'd still like to keep the baby for observation. Sean looks absolutely shell-shocked and admits he's not really absorbing anything Derek says since he's worried about his wife's surgery. He tells them he needs to be with her, and adds that Derek knows what he's doing and should just keep doing it. It's a weird response about his own baby, and Derek and Lexie seem a little wigged out by it. Lexie calls after him to ask the baby's name, and he explains that they only adopted her a week ago and were waiting to name her until they got to know her.
At that same time, Hahn paddles Teresa's heart to get a rhythm and notes to her crew that Teresa's now died twice in the past two hours, ordering them all to pick up the pace. She then glances at Mere and asks, "Quite a rush, huh?" Instead of answering, Mere looks up and sees Cristina watching in the gallery. Mark is up there too, and he comments that Hahn took his OR, and that she's pushy. But he definitely seems to admire pushy -- it's a very different tone than Cristina's as she bitterly adds that she's both pushy and rude. Mark asks if she's doing a [medical-ese] procedure and Cristina tells him she is, noting she wants to save as much lung tissue as possible, clearly put out that she's also a great surgeon on top of it. Mark assures her, "It doesn't make up for pushy and rude," and Cristina heartily agrees with him. Once again, snarky Mark actually manages to say what someone needs to hear over whatever might fly from his pants to his mouth, in yet another example of how actually awesome he is.
Alex heads into the nursery where Lexie's with the baby, and asks why she paged him. It's nice to actually see a reference back to all the time Alex spent in ob/gyn, and how it turns out he was really good at it, before that story became all about him hooking up with Addison. Lexie asks him if it's okay for her to pick up the baby, since the dad isn't there and she's been through a lot and might benefit from it. Alex answers by announcing that it's not why she paged him. "You paged me because your legs are still shaky from the other night and you're trying to work up the nerve to invite me to a friendly neighborhood on-call room." She stares, clearly busted at least on some level, and he gives her a sexy smile before she collects herself and protests that she actually paged him to ask him to tell Meredith that she had no idea they lived together. Lexie might consider at some point actually putting a few moments' thought each day towards her work, because if she worried about that half as much as she worries about Meredith, she could become a pretty great surgeon. She laments that she and Mere had been making progress, but now Meredith probably thinks she's a stalker. Wisely, Alex tells her that her issues can't be his but graciously adds, "But I am here for the sex if you need it." She repeats dryly, "If I need it," and he grins and adds, "You know you need it." Hell, after that look, I need it. She laughs as he heads back out of the nursery.
Richard walks up to Bailey, who's buried in paperwork, and asks for Callie, since she was supposed to get him some report by the end of the day. Without even looking up, Bailey hands it to him with a supremely lame excuse that Callie asked her to pass it along and she must have just forgotten. He looks it over and notes with some surprise that it's really good work. Bailey thanks him and then catches herself and agrees. Like in so many secret storylines we've seen, she does a hellacious job of covering. But Richard seems to be one of the first people to actually pick up on the awkwardness and sense that something's not right.
The passing of days in this episode are marked by George and Izzie's awkward sex attempts, this time by Izzie pulling off his belt so hard that she ends up whacking him with it before it flies across the room. They then knock their heads together when they try to kiss, and George finally stops her and says that they need to relax a moment and admit that they're nervous and awkward. She seems totally relieved to hear him say that, but when he says they just need to get over themselves, she dejectedly asks how they do that. George decides to go the sexy route, which is terribly uncomfortable to watch and only easier because at least now it's been stated that they have even less chemistry than Tom and Kat(i)e Cruise. He asks what fantasy she's got, and to her delight says that he'll do anything...
... which leads to Izzie, wrapped in a towel and curled up in a ball, huddled on the bathroom floor. George peeks his head out from the bathtub and asks, confused, "That's what you wanted?" Shaking and horrified, she replies no, then yes, but that whatever happened isn't what she meant. A confused George asks what she did mean, and she just snaps, "Let's just not ever talk about this again. Please." It's what I'm going to do as soon as I'm done recapping their relationship. She then asserts that they have chemistry, reminding him that they had the best sex of her life, and asks if he remembers. "I do. It's vague, and in flashes, but I do." He might consider that the flashes are soaked in alcohol and maybe not the stuff that fairy tales are made of. Izzie is determined to get that great sex back, while George just laments that he thinks he chipped a tooth.
Back at the hospital, Cristina finds Callie at the board and complains that she's tried to do what Callie said, but it's not working. Callie has to ask what she said and when Cristina mentions the new specialty idea, Callie claims to have no idea what Cristina is talking about. I guess she's not quite as practiced as the gang at telling falsehoods in the workplace, so she could maybe be excused for her complete lack of grace in disguising her not doing her job. But then again, it seemed pretty important to her to have Bailey cover, so it would make more sense if she tried to actually keep up the appearance of having a clue. It's just another inconsistency in her character's personality for the sake of story. Once Cristina tells her that Bailey had passed along the advice, Callie clues in to what happened and tries to play off her confusion in a bumbling, not-at-all-totally-obvious way. Cristina then asks if she can scrub in, and when Callie reminds her that she hates ortho, Cristina corrects her that she loves ortho. She adds bitterly that she also can't take any more observing, and needs to scrub in. "Even if it's on ortho," she says dejectedly, and at Callie's raised eyebrow adds, "Which I love." Callie's amused rather than offended, and agrees.
Mark and Derek are in the elevator together when Mark announces out of nowhere that he's a person of substance, adding that in addition to facelifts he does many life-changing surgeries. Derek mm-hmms him as they get out. The Chief gets in, but before the doors close he calls out to Derek that the stain is still there. He instructs him to time watch and make sure the cleaner marks the stain with tape. Mark turns to Derek and commiserates, "And everyone thinks it's so easy being the chief's girlfriend." Derek, who seems to have lost the power of actual speech, just harrumphs at him as Mark adds that he's there if Derek needs to talk.
Meredith is in Teresa's room when Lexie walks in and awkwardly says hi, and explains that she just wanted to tell Sean how the baby was doing but that she can come back. I've always thought that feeling weird around your sister should take precedence over giving a man a medical update about his child. Then, almost as if she can't control what comes out of her mouth, Lexie tells Mere in a rush that she didn't know it was her house, and she doesn't sleep around but that there's just so much going on right now...that some bedroom gymnastics with a man who's a totally Bad Idea was just what she needed. That last part may have been silent. Sean then wakes up and asks how she's doing -- meaning of course his wife and not his baby. Meredith gently tells him she made it through the night, which is good. He beams and softly talks about how strong she is, and how she won't let their baby grow up without a mom. The girls watch awkwardly and then Teresa actually wakes up and looks around, which Lexie understands is her looking for her baby. She assures Teresa that she's doing great and offers to bring her in, and Teresa nods. When Meredith dismisses Lexie as "Dr. Grey," Sean looks up and asks if they are sisters. After a long silence, Lexie jumps in and says that it's just a coincidence that they have the same name. Meredith pauses, hopefully thinking that this is getting really, really stupid.
Jerry's sitting in his bed with a bowl of prunes in front of him, and when Alex walks in, he announces that he's been thinking about a crap he took while in the Army. Seriously, this man maybe needs a good vacation or something that can provide a memory to edge out the ones he currently holds so dear of his bowel movements over the years. Alex just expresses surprise that the laxative didn't work but Jerry wants to inflict some misery and orders, "Have a seat, Dr. Karev. If I can't crap, you're going to sit here while I reminisce."
Izzie's visiting her own miserable patient, whose head is now wrapped in bandages. She complains about the pain while Izzie tries to get her up out of bed and walking around, assuring her that it will make her feel better. Vicki just grumbles that she'll feel better if Izzie leaves (...yeah, I've said it too many times to make the joke again) and shouts at her to stop scowling since she's got nothing to scowl about. She continues yelling at her to leave and go enjoy life. "You're getting uglier by the minute!" You can say a million things about Izzie, especially in the last year, but the one thing she's had going for her is that secret, tortured, bland love agrees with her, and she's looked consistently amazing lately. Sorry, Vicki.
Lexie's pushing the baby in a gigantic incubator down the hall, but when she arrives at Teresa's room she finds a team of people there, and learns that her heart stopped again. Sean tells her he can't deal with the baby and that she should take her back. Lexie just stares into the room, paralyzed for a moment, until Sean screams at her to get the baby away now. It's all rather heartbreaking.
Bailey pushes the door open to one of the operating rooms and is assaulted by loud rock music. Inside, Callie's dancing while holding a drill in someone's bone. Is that really a good idea, to shimmy around while you're doing that? She won't come out to talk to Bailey, noting that she's in the middle of a shattered femur. "Thank God for men who drive motorcycles, right, Yang?" Cristina blandly agrees, but her eyes seem to be begging Bailey to rescue her. When Bailey calls out that there are scheduling issues, Callie asks her to handle them again.
Outside, Bailey doesn't have time to wallow in her annoyance; Alex walks up and declares that he's done dealing with his patient. Izzie comes through the other door basically saying the same thing, and then Lexie joins the crowd to say that the baby is ready to be discharged but that the dad is in no condition to take her. As if this weren't enough of a party, Richard walks up and asks if everything is okay. Bailey covers, a bit more smoothly than last time, that there's a bit of an administrative traffic jam, but assures him that Callie's got it handled. He clearly doesn't believe her anymore, but he leaves, and once he's gone Bailey quickly shoots instructions to each of them. Alex and Izzie are to put their patients in the same room so that they can just abuse each other, and she signs off to have the baby stay another night. Before they leave, she reminds them that none of these things were her ideas.
The Kid is back, but this time he seems to be in genuine pain, moaning and clutching his stomach. His parents confirm that the marble came out last night, so no one knows what's wrong until he manages to tell them he ate more. His parents dissolve into fighting; leaving George to find out that he ate eight other marbles. As he falls forward and clutches his stomach, something falls out of his hand -- a little cluster of silver balls. George grabs them and demands to know if that's what he ate, and when The Kid confirms it, George yells for someone to page Bailey, since they are actually magnets, not marbles.
In x-ray, Bailey explains to George that the magnets take the path of least resistance to each other, which can very easily be through an intestine wall. The x-ray shows that they're all clustered together, and sure enough he has a perforated bowel and needs surgery. George then sees another that's moving, and Bailey comments that it's like a slow-moving gunshot, and they need to stop it before it goes through The Kid's stomach.
Alex wheels Jerry into Vicki's room, and both of them immediately get even more pissed off and demand to know what's up. Alex and Izzie practically skip around with glee as they tell them there's a room shortage. When Jerry yells at them, Izzie tells him to take it easy, as Vicki points out that isn't good for anyone's complexion. Alex adds that Vicki might want to use the bathroom now before Jerry sits there for hours. Both of them say that the situation is unacceptable, but Izzie tells them to get themselves discharged as soon as possible if they don't like it.
A close-up on a bloody tray shows seven marbles, and it turns out The Kid has a hole in his diaphragm. George asks if Bailey's going to repair it but she goes back in and tells him she wants to see if the magnet will find her first. While they're waiting for the magic to happen, George explains that The Kid made himself sick so that the parents would take him seriously and get a divorce. But when Bailey logically assumes that this will do it, George answers that it won't. Apparently the near-death of their child has inspired them to "try not to fight so much." These two seem to be trying to compete with Britney Spears in a Parent-Off. Bailey sadly observes, "I am elbow-deep in their eight-year-old. Sounds like something a little extra effort can't fix." George agrees, and since every patient that comes through the door is somehow conveniently metaphorical, his face says that his sex life might have the same problem. Bailey announces, "I am so right about so many things, it'll make your head spin," and triumphantly drops the last magnet in the tray.
Mark and Cristina are back in the gallery, each gazing at Hahn in their own manner while she performs another surgery on Teresa. Mark, sounding like a lovesick teenager, longingly breathes that her hands are beautiful, then catches himself and butchly adds, "I mean...surgically. The finesse." Cristina gripes that she's been in ortho all day, where there's no finesse to breaking bones. She looks up at him, and they nod knowingly and say in unison, "Carpentry." He tries to tell her to go into plastics where it's all finesse, but she calls him out on it being all facelifts. He tries, for the second time in two days, to defend his work, this time arguing that he's also qualified to remove tumors. She gives him a Look, and he admits that it's mainly facelifts, but adds that that's changing a life too. "I'm holding someone's future in my hands." Hahn picks up Teresa's heart and puts it back in her chest, and Cristina longingly whispers, "Holding a heart is way better."
Lexie's in the nursery and when she sees Sean outside, she puts the baby down and goes out to see him. He explains that his wife is doing really badly and that now her other lung is leaking, but that they can't operate because of the strain on her heart so they're going to wait through the night and reassess. Lexie tells him sincerely that she's sorry, and he then drops the bomb, that he needs to know who to call in case she dies, saying he can't raise the baby on his own. He adds that she's a good baby who deserves a family, but he's distant and dismissive at the same time, and despite Lexie's protests that he is the baby's father, he says he doesn't feel like it. When he looks at her, she doesn't look like his: "She's just a baby." Lexie is horrified. Okay, I had to fill out a questionnaire before I adopted my two cats saying what I would do if my mythical boyfriend and I split up. If I had to answer that about kitties, don't you think they would have had to figure that out, and more, when they adopted an actual baby? They're not like the Gap, you can't just mail order and return it to the store if it doesn't fit. But also, despite my snarking, it's painful, since clearly he's just at a complete loss and can't really function.
That night at the Trailer O'Loooove, Meredith and Derek catch up on each other's days while lounging au naturel. She tells him, "I stayed late at work because my house is a brothel. What did you do?" It's a little judgmental for someone who consoled herself after a breakup with a nameless man parade through the same house. There's nothing wrong with that, but therefore she might want to rethink her zero-tolerance stance on her roommates having sex, no matter how inappropriate the partners. Derek groans, remembering that he was supposed to have dinner and a movie...which you hear the Chief yell out happily as he walks right in to see two of his employees naked. Meredith shrieks and dives under the covers while the Chief apologizes and bumbles out.
Izzie and George, meanwhile, are trying yet again to have hot sex. This time Izzie has a hat box on the table in front of them, and calls it their "Box of Fun." She tries to sound breezy when she says they've put too much pressure on themselves and they need to just have fun. George seems less than sure, but finally opens the box and pulls out a bottle of scotch. She tells him it's actually a box of fun and booze, since that wouldn't hurt their chances of success either. I wonder why they haven't tried this yet, since it seems to have been the magic ingredient the first time. She tells him they have the house to themselves and they'll just play, then after he takes a gulp she drains a good portion of the bottle at once. I'm just thankful that this time we didn't have to see it go to any unclothed portion of the night.
Alex is drinking a beer outside to avoid the horror going on with the Box of Fun, and when Mere gets home, he warns her to do the same. He scares her, but she comes over to visit and tells him that the Chief saw her naked, which Alex seems to admire, announcing, "Nice." Just then a car alarm beeps, and Lexie rounds the corner. Mere turns to Alex and reminds him there's no sex in the house, but he didn't invite her. She comes up and glumly invites him for a drink, and as if she's not right there, Mere turns in disgust and says Alex's name. Lexie finally grows some backbone and reminds her there's no rule against them going out for drinks and Mere, regressing with every moment, has the gall to say she's making a rule now that there's no drinking or sleeping with Alex. Lexie demands to know what she ever did to Mere, and Mere tells her to get her own friends. "Get your own life! Stop living in mine!" It seemed impossible for a while, but Lexie's got a limit, and she yells, "Screw you!" before heading to the car to wait for Alex. When she's gone Meredith tries to excuse herself, saying it was mean but that Lexie is everywhere. Alex, in the theme of hot man-whores who actually make pretty sage observations, points out that Meredith keeps saying Lexie isn't her sister and she doesn't want to know her. "So why do you care so much?" Meredith, regressing fully to insolent child, pouts, "I don't," to herself as Alex stalks off.
The morning, George lies in bed wide awake. to him we see that Izzie looks exactly the same, and when the alarm goes off they jump up like the bed is on fire and get dressed and ready for work in record time.
Richard and Derek are in the elevator together, trying not to look at one another. Richard, annoyed, tells him, "All I'm saying is, time you have company, lock the door." Derek, with the better points, replies, "All I'm saying is, time you come over, you should knock." They get out of the elevator and go their separate ways. The Chief would have a better argument if he just said, "I'm your boss so I can make up rules," because seriously dude, try knocking.
Alex and Izzie come in to check on Bitchy and Bitchier, but Vicki is gone. After a moment, though, they hear a giggle from behind the curtain around Jerry's room. When they pull it back, they find Vicki and Jerry doing a really awkward horizontal salsa (tm Mark). And sadly for Izzie, Vicki seems to really be enjoying it. Jerry tells them not to look so shocked, but Vicki laughs, "She always looks like that!" and pulls the curtain back around. Alex is happy to assume Jerry finally crapped (and presumably will stop talking about it), but Izzie mopes, "Even they have chemistry."
Her chemistry-free boyfriend is in with The Kid, whose mom asks if he'll really be okay. George assures her that kids bounce back more quickly than adults, but he's got an edge to his voice that clearly says he's sick of her and her husband. She senses it and tells him that they were really happy once. George tries to stop her but she explains that then the baby was colicky, her husband lost his job, et cetera and their relationship went to hell. She thought they just needed to get back to the way they were, but now she thinks that maybe they do need a break, as they haven't been happy in so long. Gee, and all it took was magnets ripping through her son's internal organs to clue her in to this.
A large number of people seem to be working on Teresa as Cristina gazes at the action from the doorway. Meredith comes up behind her and admiringly explains how she was too weak to be transported, but she needed surgery, so they brought the surgery to her room. She adds that it's pretty genius, and sadly Cristina agrees with her. As Hahn gives her team instructions on how to move their patient, Lexie comes up begging to know if she's going to make it, because Sean wants to give up the baby. Meredith shuts her down by pointing out they're busy right then -- I keep wanting to like Lexie, but then she has a tendency to do things like this right at the most idiotic and inopportune times and it's hard to think she's got a whole brain in her pretty head. Sean holds her hand until Hahn gently demands that he let them go, and assures him she'll do everything she can to fix his wife. Lexie stands with him and they watch, along with Cristina, as they take Teresa to the OR.
Mark's getting pretty good at stalking; he's back in the gallery watching the surgery and he announces to Derek that he has a thing for Hahn. Derek says he doesn't, but Mark is sure that he does. Derek is also sure that this will end badly, but Mark comes back with, "What do you know, you're dating the Chief." Derek tries to tell him that joke is overused and not funny, but the Chief comes in and pointedly ignores Derek, making the spat that much more obvious. Mark asks if it's a lovers' quarrel and Richard replies that they aren't quarreling. Derek, alarmed, adds, "More importantly, we're not..." but before he can declare his heterosexuality, Richard interrupts to say that if he picks out a movie, Derek should have the courtesy to mention it if he makes other plans. Of course, he says this to Mark, not to Derek directly -- they're reenacting countless fights I witnessed between girls in my freshman dorm with these argument tactics. He also adds that he's perfectly capable of picking up his own shirts, but Derek counters that he's not capable of anything on his own. "If I wasn't around you'd starve in a dirty shirt and die a lonely death!" Richard rolls his eyes, and Derek maintains that he's been taking advantage ever since Derek gave him a place to park his trailer, and that since Richard can't handle anything, Derek has to pick up the slack. This sets off a light bulb over the Chief's head, and he puts the argument on hold while he runs out. Each in his own world, Derek mutters that Richard can't handle the truth, and Mark says that he's definitely got a thing for Hahn.
The Chief makes a beeline for Bailey, who's still surrounded by paperwork. He begins to ask her questions that catch her off guard, and she answers each lamely. He asks why the Brotherton baby is still there if Derek said it was okay to discharge her, and Bailey tells him that if it were her decision, she might do it so the baby and mom have more time together. When asked about putting Jerry and Vicki in the same room together, she says that Callie might have thought, since they were so impossible, that they'd encourage each other to get discharged. And when asked why Callie would tell Cristina to find another specialty when she loves cardio, Bailey tells him that Cristina has to see what else is out there or she won't fight hard enough for cardio. Each answer illustrates why Bailey kicks everyone's ass up and down the magic floating walkway with her awesomeness. But she sends Richard back to talk to Callie about why she'd make all of these decisions, and he tells her that he's going to. She turns back to her work and jumps when she realizes that he's still standing there, scrutinizing her.
Sean is still waiting when Hahn and Meredith come out, and their body language is not positive. Hahn tells him that they did everything they could...and that's all he needs to hear to crumple. Without saying anything, he gets up and walks out of the hospital while the women watch him go, Lexie on the verge of tears.
Alex is putting his street clothes on in the lounge when Lexie comes in and brushes off his warning that interns aren't allowed. She's just got a quick question, wondering if he would in fact meet her in a friendly neighborhood on-call room later. He tells her he can't, which of course completely embarrasses her as she asks about what he said earlier. He tells her he knows what he said, but that he can't. She replies, "Because of Meredith." He says he's not getting involved or choosing sides, but she bitterly points out, "Except, clearly you are," and leaves. And once again, here's a Lexie I could like, the one who's not just meek and bumbling.
Bailey's clearly working on the calendar when Richard comes up and calls her out on covering for Callie. She stutters and tries to come up with an excuse, but he sternly tells her she's doing the majority. "All of the responsibility and none of the credit. You deserve the credit. You deserve the job. I should have given it to you in the first place. I hope you'll take it now. Because what you do and how you do it makes this hospital work." She's stunned and fidgety as she comes up with a response, finally blurting, "Well, it's about time you noticed." She looks around, looks at him, and grabs him in a hug as she sobs out all of the stress and hurt feelings of the past few weeks. And in keeping with the fact that he clearly has no idea how to handle women, Richard looks terrified and sort of maybe awkwardly kinda pats her back.
Lexie's back in the nursery, making notes in the baby's chart, when Sean walks in. She smiles at him, and he awkwardly walks towards her carrying a little stuffed animal. He asks if he can pick up the baby, and Lexie calls a nurse over. He's clearly scared as she hands over his daughter, but he slowly tells her, "I remember a sixth thing. She hates the car seat, unless you put this little duck under her head." The baby, a tiny sweet little thing who also happens to look just like my friend's daughter, chews on her lip and closes her eyes to sleep, and he tells her, "Hey, I'm gonna name you Keisha, okay? Because that's what your mommy wanted to name you." The camera pans back to Lexie wiping her eyes as he holds his daughter. Once again, Grey's has made me cry over a patient we'll only ever see for an hour.
That night, Mere is working on charts when Lexie comes up, dressed to leave, and announces that she's not stalking. But is that true if you have to point it out to convince someone? She proceeds to tell Meredith that she hates apples, can draw insanely well on an Etch-A-Sketch, plays the trombone badly, likes math, and gesticulates with her hands just like Meredith does. Meredith still hasn't said a word, and nonchalantly sips her coffee as Lexie concludes, "Five things that I'm hoping will make it a little bit harder for you to hate me." She then leaves, and Mere watches her walk off and heaves a sigh like she's got the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Lexie's at Joe's, where she clearly adopted another Grey tradition and started trying to drink her humiliation away. She moans about how ridiculous she was, especially by mentioning the Etch-A-Sketch, and drops her head on the bar.
In a less drunk corner of Joe's, Mark pulls a dart off the board and hands it back to Hahn. He announces, "Saw your transplant today." She knows. "You have extraordinary technique." She knows that too. And then he asks, "Can I buy you a drink? I have rather extraordinary techniques myself." She gives him the withering look that any of us ladies would use if someone tried that line on us in a bar. She tells him that he's not attracted to her, even though he thinks he is. "You're attracted to my skill. And my confidence. And maybe how hot I look with my hands on a heart. But mostly you're attracted to me because I'm not attracted to you." And then she takes a swig of beer to wash down her awesomeness.
Lex still is sitting face-down at the bar while Alex and Mere have a drink at a nearby table. Alex tells her that he told Lexie he can't see her anymore, and Meredith is surprised and clearly touched by the gesture. He takes it gracefully by announcing, "Whatever. I don't need another chick with issues." Mere thanks him sincerely, and then looks over at the bar. When she turns back, she asks, "Will you take my sister home?" He's totally confused, but Meredith mentions Lexie playing the trombone, and asks him again.
Callie walks into the apartment, the picture of defeat. She takes a look around, and Cristina, standing in front of a gorgeous deep red wall, announces blandly, "I finished painting." Callie replies, "I got fired."
Derek is sitting outside his trailer sipping a beer when Richard walks up. He tells Derek that he got married two years out of college and admits he has to learn how to do a lot of things for himself, and then sits down. Derek thinks a moment and replies, "Just pick up your own shirts from now on." Richard then suggests a movie, but Derek tells him that Meredith is coming over, so he gets right up and heads back to his own trailer. He turns back to do a hilariously bad but energetic De Niro: "You talkin' to me?" Thank goodness he's better at surgery than impressions or Seattle Grace would have even more problems.
Alex helps a stumbling Lexie out of the car, and she assures him she's fine and that he can leave. She's clearly not, but the reason for her protests then opens the door. Thatcher stumbles out of the house, even drunker than his daughter, jingling his car keys. He manages to focus on Alex and says hello before he and Lexie start to argue about his driving down the street, which is clearly a regular occurrence. Alex jumps in and offers to go for him. Thatcher tries to say he's fine, but Alex finally asks point-black what he needs. "Scotch? Vodka? Gin?" It's sadly apparent that he's had practice at this himself. Lexie, humiliated, answers, "Scotch." Thatcher is pissed off, but drops the keys at his daughter's feet and stumbles back up the walk to the house. Lexie, eyes filled with tears, asks Alex not to tell Meredith what just happened.
Mere is having a much better night, in bed at the trailer with Derek. They ask each other what they did that evening, and each answers, "Nothing." He then points out that it's late, and asks if she's leaving soon. But for the first time in recent history, she smiles and replies, "I just want to lie here for a few more minutes." There's hope for her yet!
George and Izzie are also in bed, and look happy for the first time all hour. They triumphantly brag about how that was even better than their first time -- but fear not, faithful viewers, the euphoria doesn't last. They stop talking and each of their smiles fade, and Izzie accuses, "You're lying." Without missing a beat, George shoots back, annoyed, "Well so are you."
Meredith's voice announces, "Chemistry. Either you've got it, or you don't."
And I might wrap this up by saying that any episode that focuses on how George and Izzie isn't compatible is a great episode in my book, or that even without that, this was a fine, fine hour and seven minutes, but I can't think because of the image I just witnessed in the episode, which is now SEARED IN MY BRAIN and which has appeared in my nightmares. I'll see you kids week, if I haven't actually passed out from the absolutely horrific visuals promised -- let's just say that if you can't handle it when bad things happen to good eyeballs, this probably isn't going to be the episode for you.