Episode Report Card AB Chao: B+ | 3 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Into You Like A Train
By AB Chao | Season 2 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.29.2005
And now for something completely crazy. A stretcher is wheeled in, upon which a young white woman and a middle-aged black man are perched, facing each other, and held together by a long metal pole that has been run through their mid-sections. It's not WEIRD or AWFUL at all. We pan back to Meredith, who looks at them in tipsy disbelief and VOs, "Okay, fine. Maybe not the worst." Credits.When we come back, a surly paramedic is updating Bailey and Burke on our pole people's conditions. They can't be separated, or even really assessed, without injuring them further. Meredith drunkenly peers around the girl's, uh, parts. "Is this the craziest thing you've ever seen?" the girl asks. Meredith answers honestly that it is, and keeps on with the staring until Bailey gives her a look. Burke is telling Bailey to try to get X-rays when the girl calls out, "Excuse me?" Burke walks over and tells them both to try to move as little as possible, not that that will be much of a problem. The girl asks if they're going to pull this pole out of them any time soon. Burke says they can't do that until they get a better look at what's going on internally. Pole girl: "Well, in that case, does anybody have a breath mint?" Aw. Bailey tells George to move them extremely carefully, and the polers exchange a sad little look.
Bailey orders Alex to cover sutures until he can get over his fear of scalpels, and then turns to Meredith. Meredith slurs, "That was mean, even for you," and nearly falls over into Bailey. Bailey, disgusted with this drunken display, tells Mere to go hook herself up to a banana bag (which, as Dr. Google has informed me, is a yellow-colored combination of vitamins, thiamine, and dextrose often given to chronic alcoholics, and I have to wonder if one can order these by the case, because in addition to being a great hangover-killer, doesn't it sound kind of delicious?), and stay there until she can sober up. "Do not speak to any patients; do not practice any medicine." Meredith asks if, perhaps, she shouldn't just go home. Bailey tells her that, unless she drank the whole liquor bottle, she'll be sober in a few hours, when she'll be able to assist the many mangled victims she sees before her. "Besides, if I'm not going home, nobody's going home!" She stalks off, and adds under her breath, "Ten years of marriage, and I didn't even get to finish my damn lobster." Oh, now, I know I love me some damn Bailey. Meredith just stares after her loopily. Go get that banana bag, girl!
Meanwhile, the pole people are updating George on their respective significant others: Amanda, the man's wife, and Danny, the woman's fiancé, are flying down from Vancouver together. The man, whom we shall call "Tom," for that is his name, says normally Amanda would be against his pressing up against a strange woman, but he thinks she'll make an exception in this case. The girl, whom we shall call "Bonnie," for that is her name, regards Tom for a moment, then declares, "You have very nice pores." I wonder if Tom has been using Neutrogena's awesome new microdermabrasion system, because it rules.
Cut to Izzie and Addison, monitoring the pregnant burn victim. Izzie tries to sneak dirty looks at Addison, but gets totally busted: "Dr. Stevens, did you need something?" Izzie shakes her head no. The pregnant lady has a contraction, and Addison decides they should do a C-section, since the woman is in no shape to push. The lady is like, "Oooo...kay? But can we call a lawyer first? I don't have a will." Addison frowns in concern, and tells "Brooke" that they have some time, and not to panic.
Alex is suturing someone's eyebrow. The suturee's friend, a Sassy Black Woman STRAIGHT out of Central Casting, gabs on her cell phone sassily and blackly: "Yeah? Ohhh, naw, we fine, honey! Some redneck tryin' to outrun the train. Honey, and then the train slammed into his ass, and then it rolled!" Seriously, she actually says it like that. Alex tries to ignore this, and asks his patient if she is in pain anywhere else. Her side is all bruised and tender, so Alex says he'll take her for X-rays. Before they can get away from Sassy, however, she calls over, "Ho, ho, hey, where you goin'?" Alex tells her. Sassy tells Alex that, no offense, but he looks like her oldest son, and he's nothing but trouble. "Are you sure you're a doctor?" Alex looks like he'd like to slap the sassy right out of her, says nothing, and starts off again. Sassy's phone rings again: "Yeah? Ohhh, naw, we fine." Et cetera.
Izzie walks by an exam room and stops when she hears the person behind the curtain repeat, "Ow. Ow. Ow." She opens the curtain to find Meredith sitting there, trying to insert her banana bag, which Mere says sounds vaguely dirty, but isn't. Izzie offers to help; Meredith asks how it's going with Addison. Pretty conspicuously, I'd say. "Good mood? Bad mood? 'Yay, my husband picked me' mood?" Mere inquires. Izzie says it's more like the "I hate the smell of charred flesh" mood. Meredith tells Izzie that she knows she's a vapid narcissist, before she gets judgy. Izzie whispers conspiratorially, "For what it's worth...salmon-colored scrubs? What kind of self-respecting person wears salmon-colored scrubs?" Meredith: "This is what I'm saying." Well, vapid and narcissistic though she may be, Miss Banana Bag has a point.
OR of Amputated Limbs. Cristina is cleaning the dirt and gravel out of the leg in preparation for its reattachment. Dr. Webber and McDreamy work on the rest of the guy, when McDreamy's pager goes off. He doesn't want to leave Webber alone, but is finally convinced to go the hell away. Webber tells Cristina that she can help him with the surgery when she's finished cleaning the wound. Cristina gets a confused look on her face, then looks at the patient, back at the severed leg, then at the patient again. Webber asks if the leg is clean. Cristina answers shakily, "Yes…sir?" Webber gets the wrong impression, and starts yelling at her about not even starting to think she's going to be some sort of watchdog for Dr. Shepherd, because he's been a surgeon since before she's been breathing, now IS THERE A PROBLEM? Cristina replies in this hilarious voice, "Uh, YES." She continues that she's thrilled to learn, and grateful to be there, it's just...they've got two left legs. Webber growls, "Find the man's leg, Yang." Cristina hauls ass.
McDreamy answers his page, and runs right into Meredith when he enters the X-ray room. He looks down at her IV. "What happened?" Mere: "Um, tequila." McDreamy looks at the X-rays, which are of our favorite pole people, Bonnie and Tom. He can't believe they're still alive. "They're still making small talk," George says. Burke and McDreamy both agree that there's no way to operate without separating them; they'll both bleed out. Burke suggests that they move one of the patients just far enough off the pole to get a saw in between them, then repair the damage as they go. Plinky Piano of Sadness plays as Burke explains that they should probably move the girl first, since her injuries are more extensive -- this way Tom has a real shot at survival. Derek says he could argue that, since Bonnie's injuries are worse, they should move Tom first. It's all very heavy. Meredith jumps in and states the obvious: "So basically, whoever you move doesn't stand a chance. How do you choose? How do you decide who gets to live?" No one has a chance to answer these questions, however, because it's time for a commercial. It is also time for a certain daughter I know to make her mama a yummy cocktail.
We return to McDreamy telling Burke he'd like to examine the patients before he makes a final decision. He tries to ask for "Dr. Grey," but Bailey tells him that Dr. Grey needs to get herself a blood alcohol test before practicing any medicine tonight. Meredith does the field sobriety test where you touch your nose with your index fingers, and claims that she's totally fine. It is pretty funny to see tiny Ellen Pompeo wheeling around that huge IV stand. Baile