Obsessed with getting back into the Rhodes' Women's good graces, Ivy takes William van der Woodsen at his word: Throw a benefit in CeCe's honor and her former relatives will be obliged to attend. Of course, he offers this at a price -- which is the part of the conversation Lola hears, which information she relays to Nate, who through this game of Blonde People Telephone ends up telling Serena that Ivy is somehow bribing William, which is a legal no-no since he's the executor of the estate and can't benefit from it in any way. (Or so we understand from Nate, who is apparently a legal database at certain times of day.)
Since the will's airtight, proving some kind of criminal misconduct on Ivy's part is the only way to get the will thrown out... Something that Lily's obsessed with doing, not because she has any lack of money but because she hates DUMBO and all its constant reminders of the filth from which her useless trophy husband sprang in the first place. Rufus is aware enough of his surroundings to understand her concerns, but not sharp enough to realize what a bitch she's being, which reflects more poorly on him than it does her. Of course.
Also interested in getting the Bumphreys out of DUMBO are the gruesome twosome themselves, Blair and Dan, whose last month has been a neverending cavalcade of missed sexual opportunities: Everybody from Dorota's temporary replacement to Rufus and Lily (twice) and Serena (thrice) has interrupted them, as well as fate in a hundred other guises. But when they finally do it, it's totally gross and bad, which causes them to run -- Blair to Queens, Dan to Nate -- and get drunk while asking for advice about the sex problem. The obvious answers -- A) Stop being huge liars and B) If you're not old enough to talk about it, you're not old enough to be doing it -- never really sinks in, but they do show up for Ivy's party blasted and end up fucking in the elevator, which was pretty awesome. In fact, they are both awesome the entire episode, although that may be due in large part to the fact that Leighton Meester is the most adorable drunk-actor on the planet.
While all of this is going on, Chuck is having his own storyline, which is about trying to thank Jack for his blood transfusion after the accident, but after some dots not connecting he does a bit of research and realizes that Uncle Jack caught Hep C from Pamela Anderson and thus wouldn't have been allowed to donate. Chuck traps Jack in a tremendously baroque game of cat-and-mouse that ends up involving child actors and blood drives and this whole thing, but in the end Jack comes clean: The blood was donated by somebody else. Chuck assumes it was Elizabeth Fischer, his last possible mom, but it seems clear that Diana Payne is the one we're going to end up focusing on.
Anyway, Nate tells Serena he's going to write the Ivy Dickens exposé himself, since she's so intense about it all the time, which causes her to take advantage of the Gossip Girl laptop, setting a trap of her own since she doesn't know that Lily and Rufus are actually in on the "Bribing William" scheme to bring Ivy down. She sets the blast to upload about half an hour into the party, but then gets waylaid by derpy Lola and Dick Cavett just long enough that she manages to ruin everybody's hard work and stomp out the last of Ivy's goodwill.
While Blair and Dan are fucking in the elevator, the Rhodes Women including Rufus take the time to have yet another bitchy standoff with Lola, whom -- after Ivy makes yet another perfectly valid point about how monstrous they're all being -- finally sides with the Rhodeses, promising to testify that she overheard Ivy bribing William. Downstairs, they have a quick talk about how her mysterious probably feels about her, and it is a very ooky vibe down there. But I think William is running a much bigger game, considering he is a creep and is still being blackmailed by Aunt Carol: After all, once the truth about Lola gets out there, Serena and Eric will probably realize once again what an ass he is, and abandon him for the fifth or so time, and he just can't take it.
In any case, once everybody's gone and Ivy's funds are frozen by this latest suit, the bill comes due for her benefit party that went so wrong: $30K she no longer has. Nate fires Serena for endangering the Spectator's funding by using GG to undercut his paper's exclusivity, and then fields a call from a new investor: Miss Diana Payne, of course (who needs to come back to deal with Chuck anyway, I think). Jobless and grumpy, Serena tosses herself into being Gossip Girl... But has made such a failure of herself on her very first day that Gossip Girl herself is offended, and demands the keys back.
Week: Lola goes as crazy about Diana's return as the women Nate dates inevitably go, Lily continues to chafe under the horrors of DUMBO loft life, and Blair continues to be so effortlessly wonderful, I hope.
PREVIOUSLY
Lily was under the impression that Uncle Jack was capable of bringing anybody back to life with his gross tainted blood. William van der Woodsen learned of his third child, while Ivy replaced Lily and Carol as the only person CeCe cared about -- resulting in Lily's abrupt eviction from PRADA. Bereft of even a blood transfusion storyline, Serena shrugged and became Gossip Girl 3.0 while Georgina is in Monaco working on Blair's prenuptial situation and the ex-princess herself traveled the long way to DUMBO to pronounce her love for Lonelyboy.
DUMBO
As Serena gives us the GG greeting via her SxS column nobody cares about, we learn it's been a month since Lily moved out to the shanty Rufus once called home. Blair shows up in an awesome sex outfit, which she flashes at Dan before noticing that Lily and both her husbands are at the loft for breakfast. William gets quite an eyeful, Rufus has no idea what is going on as usual and Lily just sighs and thinks about how this is what Brooklyn is like.
EMPIRE
After a long "corporate retreat" that seemed mostly like the sex they're always having near each other, Chuck welcomes Jack back to his suite for more of that same sex, and also a big thank you for saving his life.
Jack: "You mean that time Russell Thorpe tried to blow everybody up? Please, like I even remember that storyline. Like this show even remembers back that far."
Chuck: "No, I mean the time that Tripp tried to blow Nate up. When Blair went insane. You made Blair go insane."
Jack: "No problem! It was certainly my blood that they transfused into you, resulting in health."
Chuck: "For not letting me die and stealing the company Lily apparently gave back to me, I want to name a new wing of that hospital for you. The Jack Bass Rape Crisis Treatment Center."
DUMBO
Waffles.
Lily: "One thing I hate about Brooklyn is how you have to light the stove with a match."
Blair: "I didn't know you could get such good croissants in Brooklyn! I love carbs and eating food all the time."
Lily: "Actually, I had those flown in by Pegasus from Manhattan, as well as all our rich people mail."
Wm vdW: "The problem with overturning the will is, it's a will."
Lily: "Can't we make it not a will?"
Wm vdW: "Not unless Ivy did something illegal like steal somebody's identity, or defraud your family out of millions to steal your niece's trust fund for her mother, or write a hot check to a real estate agent in California, or pay off an attempted murderer by the name of Max."
Lily: "Well, since she didn't do any of those things, I guess we're screwed."
Rufus: "Just in case you're not up on the law -- being that you are supposedly a doctor -- I thought we could talk to an actual lawyer. About this legal case."
Lily: "God, you guys! Stop fighting over me!"
Dan: "We'll be happy to clean up this huge waffle mess if you guys want to GTFO."
Blair: "What?"
Dan: Kicks her under the table.
Blair: "Oh, right. We're going to have sex. Especially now that you physically abused me, which is what I am into. Attention parents: GTFO. Time is of the essence when dealing with charlatans. Such as Dr. William van der Woodsen Esquire over here."
FORMER CHARLIES
Ivy: "Can you believe your boyfriend printed this thing Lily and Rufus said?"
Lola: "You mean, in his newspaper? Or on his website? I'm not really sure how that all works."
Ivy: "They said my dad's fatal OD sparked a lifetime of criminal behavior!"
Lola: "Oh, is that why you are constantly doing criminal behaviors?"
Ivy: "I'm not a criminal! You know me, we were in school plays together. Remember? Before I stole your identity? And then your aunt's house?"
Lola: "I get that you have good intentions at any given point, but you do seem to do a lot of criminal activities."
Ivy: "Look, just get on board with me on this: We hate your family and we hate your boyfriend!"
Lola: "Girl, you need to stop calling me. You sound nuts."
Ivy: "That's just my voice!"
SPECTATOR
Nate: "Hey, was that Ivy? You should totally do an interview about her, for my upstanding journalism."
Lola: "What nobody seems to understand about Ivy Dickens is that she is crazy and I don't want to deal with her."
Serena: "You are already dealing with her! She is all up in your storyline!"
Lola: "What nobody seems to understand about Serena van der Woodsen is that she is crazy and I don't want to deal with her."
Serena: "You are already dealing with me! I am all up in your storyline! I think of you as a sister!"
Lola: "Really? Because I think of you as a stalker. It was creepy watching you obsess on Ivy, and it is creepy watching you do it to me."
Nate: "I think she has a tracking device on you or something. I gave up trying to get you to like her a while back and she still seems to know exactly where you are at all times."
Lola: "I mean, I am prepared to be part of the Rhodes Women thing. I just find it hard to negotiate, especially with Ivy stirring all this shit up all the time."
Nate: "Well, maybe William van der Woodsen can help you figure out how to deal with those ladies. Didn't you say you were going to talk to him, like a month ago?"
Lola: "There's this weird vibe I can't place. Anyway, good luck on your investor meeting."
Nate: "Yes. We are in financial straits once again. Thanks for expositing that."
WM VDW
Wm vdW: "Look, I'm already wearing this horrible scarf. When are you going to stop torturing me?"
Carol: "When you give me money or something!"
Wm vdW: "I don't have enough money to give you some of my money."
Carol: "And yet. I am still going to blackmail you about how Serena and Eric have a sister with Vanessa's personality. Make that will say something else, where I get money!"
Wm vdW: "It's a will! And how come I'm the only bad guy here? You hired an impersonator to impersonate our daughter, who has now ruined all of our lives."
Carol: "That should just demonstrate how much of a lunatic plot device I'm willing to be."
Wm vdW: "I am in the grip of another untenable situation. I'd better entrap Ivy into sounding like she's bribing me."
The Plan: He will say, "Pay me! Above the board!" and she will say, "Okay, no problem!" and then somehow that will destroy the will and cause Ivy to be eaten by dogs in the street, just like Juliet and Vanessa before her. Or at least freeze her assets long enough to come up with something that is actually a plan.
DUMBO
Blair: "That Rufus primps more than I do. Thank God they're finally gone."
Dan: "I have an idea for a sexy game we can play! Let's talk about all the times our attempts to have sexual intercourse have failed."
Blair: "Sexy idea! I shall enumerate them at length."
Time passes.
Blair: "That car alarm of Brooklyn has vanished my hard on."
Dan: "I am only heterosexual by default."
Blair: "I feel like your Cabbage Patch doll Cedric is watching us."
Dan: "Some fans just find callbacks a satisfying comfort in general, no matter how bald or pandering in the specific."
Blair: "Another failure to launch, I think."
Dan: "It is very realistic that we aren't having sex right now."
Blair: "It doesn't have to make sense! It just needs to be funny."
Dan: "Is that what this is? Comedy?"
SxS
GG 2.0: "Welcome to being Gossip Girl. Here is a laptop of information and a password. Sorry that SxS is so dumb and boring, but maybe you would enjoy this instead."
Serena: "Hmm. Seems I'm Gossip Girl now, despite my season-long denial of using secrets to hurt people."
Nate: "Maybe you could just act normal or something, with my girlfriend who is your sister and cousin."
Serena: "Don't tell me how to act! I am capable of making good decisions!"
Nate: "Are you?"
Serena: "Think of it like The Roommate. Ivy is Leighton Meester and Lola is Minka Kelly. I'm just the Nina Dobrev this round. I got time."
Nate: "Gross, does that make me Cam Gigandet?"
KAPLAN & ASSOC
Atty Bruce: "So the thing is that we would need to prove CeCe was crazy when she changed her will, but she clearly wasn't."
Lily: "I know my mother was California millionaire trash, at one point, but how about the fact that her wake was ethnic."
Bruce: "To the 99 percent, this would not make her seem insane."
Lily: "Okay, how about attacking Ivy directly?"
Bruce: "Has she ever done anything illegal? Like siphon off a trust through identity theft, or write a hot check to a real estate agent? Conspiring with a sous chef-turned-hit man, perhaps?"
Lily: "Nope."
Bruce: "Then that avenue is closed to us."
PRADA
Ivy: "I cannot find a decorator, or art advisor, or really any rich people help. I have been forced into choosing my own chutneys and fine apparel all goddamn month. For a second they tricked me into thinking toaster-oven cooking was the latest thing, and I can't even talk about the Burberry bouleversement. And then I discovered GOOP, which became its own kind of hell."
Wm vdW: "It's Lily and Serena blackballing you. Pay me to help you, and I will help you. Don't think of it as a bribe of the estate's executor -- which it absolutely isn't -- but instead think of me as your Fairy Baldwin."
Ivy: "I always thought that was Alec. Just always caught a vibe."
Wm vdW: "Look, I'll start up a foundation for CeCe's cancer -- in my capacity as a pretend lawyer and/or businessman, of course -- and then you throw a benefit here in this house. They'll have to come, because it's for CeCe! And against cancer!"
Ivy: "Invite Lily as a guest to her own home that I threw her out of? Yeah, that sounds like a great move. I will be sure to pay you for this excellent advice."
SPECTATOR
Investor: "Is that my old meth dealer from Florida? No, it's film star Cam Gigandet!"
Nate: "I am not! I am Nathaniel Archibald, the owner of this thing. This magazine or whatever."
Investor: "Explain in greater detail the nonsense that your concern is all about."
Nate: "We are essentially a link farm that relies on black-hat SEO and the promise of celebrity nudes, dick enlargement and one weird secret to a flat tummy."
Investor, absolutely verbatim: "Isn't that Serena van der Woodsen? I've seen her in the 'society pages'!"
I cracked up for like an hour. I still don't know why, but that tickles me even days later.
Investor: "Serena, is it true that Ivy Dickens inherited everything from your grandmother Celia Rhodes? As has been reported everywhere, especially the 'society pages'?"
Serena: "I could tell you more, but you have to invest in our media concern of mainly journalism."
Investor: "You betcha!"
Nate: "Good work, lady. Your exclusive in with [every storyline usually] and the 'society pages' seems to have really put stars and money signs in that guy's eye. Hey, is that the first Gossip Girl post in a month?"
Serena: "Yeah, it took that long for me to get the laptop, even though it was last shown being hand-delivered by a courier."
Nate: "I can't wait to see what it says! I hope she didn't scoop us again, that old so-and-so."
Serena: "I haven't sit SEND or PUBLISH or whatever yet, but you should be getting the blast momentarily. Spoiler alert, it's about this party Ivy Dickens is throwing at my old house. To which my mother and I have been invited."
Nate: "A party? But my girlfriend Lola is the only caterer in New York City, so she'll probably be working! With whom shall I attend?"
Serena has neat bronze nail polish, bad ideas and a canary feather sticking out of her mouth. I guess because the blast was a little bitchy so she feels like a secret bad-ass. Or maybe it's because she used a computer correctly for the first and last time in her entire life.
WM'S HOTEL
Lola: "Man, where is that sketchy guy who offered to be my older friend?"
She sees him escorting Ivy into the building, and ducks behind a bellhop's rack to overhear...
Ivy: "...So thank you for your shady help with Lily and the Rhodes Women..."
Wm vdW: "Just give me a check. Of money."
Ivy: "...And I will write you that check when Serena and Lily show up at my house. Not a second before."
Lola, stealing away: "That girl is just nonstop schemes all the time."
It makes me miss Juliet, because at least Juliet was actually scheming her nonstop schemes nonstop. With Ivy, it's like this slapstick thing where even just the simple act of mailing a letter, or taking a yoga class, will somehow turn into her putting a hit on a Congressman or selling babies on the black market.
EMPIRE
Chuck looks, I'll say it, beautiful. Fantastic all episode.
Jack: "Man, are you on the phone with Nate like always? Is he telling you that he's in gay love with you?"
Chuck: "That donkey's out of the barn, if you know what I mean. Hey, while we're on the subject, remember how you 'went to Eton'?"
Jack, winking: "Yeah, it's an enduring part of the myth of American exceptionalism that only Englishmen experiment with their bodies in that way, despite the universal fact that human sexuality is a moving target. When in Rome, as they say. And uh, it was awesome, as you are yourself well aware."
Chuck: "This conversation is complex. But no, I wasn't talking about that, I was talking about the fact that you spent time in the UK during the '80s, which means you can't donate blood in the US."
Jack: "They don't screen blood donations anymore, silly!"
Chuck: "Uh, okay. Only they do, which I know because I own a hospital wing."
Jack: "You couldn't just buy me a zoo? Like in that awesome movie We Bought A Zoo?"
SPECTATOR
Lola: "This is tacky, but can I ask you a Rich People question?"
Nate: "Yes, Vanessa, but for future notice we just call them 'questions.'"
Lola: "Why would Ivy be offering William money?"
Nate: "He's the executor of an estate for which she is the beneficiary, which apparently means she's not allowed to pay him for any service or good, ever again."
Lola: "Even when I think I'm out, I'm in."
Nate: "See but what you don't know is that man, your father, is also a super sketch con-man just like Ivy. He once brainwashed a psychologist into seducing Rufus, so that she could infect Lily with fake cancer, which somehow ended up giving CeCe real cancer. He is bad news!"
Lola: "That seems unlikely."
Nate: "Well, maybe I got some deets wrong. I remember there was this scarf..."
Lola: "Look, one of us should probably tell Serena about this. And it ain't gonna be me, because then she'll want to talk to me more, and I can't be having that."
DUMBO
Lily: "I know my mom's jewelry is here somewhere in Jenny's room, among the blasted shattered dreams of our only promising child..."
Rufus: "In lieu of escorting you to this hell parade, how about this god awful monster eyeball necklace?"
Lily: "Yes, that'll be perfect. Enjoy your Magnetic Fields concert!"
Rufus: "It will be chock full of the formerly youthful."
Lily: "Speaking of, any chance we can move out of this piece of shit loft? My mortality weighs heavily upon me, in the fool's paradise known as Brooklyn."
Rufus: "Even though I married you for the same reason, that is vaguely insulting."
Lily: "Vaguely insulting is how I roll, bud."
Rufus: "I did get a hotel room..."
Lily: "Oh, thank God. This macabre charade is finally ending."
Rufus: "...For Dan and Blair. To fuck in."
PUTTING THE DUH IN W
Dan: "I can't believe we didn't think of this!"
Blair: "Because it is literally unbelievable?"
Dan: "In essence, yes."
They get down to business. Of sorts.
Blair: "Well, that was... It certainly occurred."
Dan: "Yes. It was extremely satisfying to have sexual intercourse with you. Availing ourselves of all the different options, as we most certainly did."
Blair: "I can't wait to engage in more of this passionate lovemaking with you. One of these days."
Dan: "I suppose that I will see you later at the PRADA party. Until then, congratulations on getting so thoroughly fucked by me."
Blair: "And vice versa, my friend."
Sweet little kiss, and then her face is like "I gave up being a princess and having weirdo sex with Chuck Bass... For this?" And his face is like, "Maybe I should call Hilary Duff," and then they both just lean, slumping, into the oncoming rut that is their sexuality.
Blair: "I can already feel myself letting my garden overgrow."
Dan: "I have the strangest craving for asparagus, and no real reason not to indulge it."
Blair: "Thank God for sex toys."
Dan: "Thank God for Swedish '60s art porn."
HOSPITAL
Lady: "Why would you have hospital records at this hospital from that time where you nearly died not that long ago?"
Chuck: "I just need to know the circumstances of my blood transfusion from Jack Bass."
Lady: "Jack Bass did not donate any blood that time that happened. But I have said too much."
Chuck: "Could you step away from your computer for no reason?"
Lady: "Assuredly I will do that."
Her Computer, Quite Clearly: "JACK BASS CAUGHT HEPATITIS C FROM PAMELA ANDERSON & SHOULD NOT BE DONATING BLOOD. NOT EVEN TO LITTLE SEXY GOBLINS."
SPECTATOR
Nate: "S, don't freak out, but I think your sketchy con-man father might be pulling a sketchy con."
Serena: "Why wouldn't Lola accuse our father of this to me directly? What, is she avoiding me because I'm obsessive and off-putting around her?"
Nate: "Don't be silly! But you're getting really obsessive and off-putting about this. I'm taking you off the Ivy Dickens expose."
Serena: "Fine! I'll just go back to writing my scintillating Fake Gossip Girl column that nobody reads. And you can keep paying me money for doing that."
Serena: "Thanks for calling, I have to ask you about something very important."
Wm vdW: "Serena, your mother and I want you to go to that PRADA party."
Serena: "Ugh, fine. Don't take any random bribes until I see you."
Lily, who is in on it: "Great, so we'll all be there when she gives you the check. I just hope Serena doesn't fuck this up for everybody like she always does."
Serena: "I'd better fuck this up for everybody like usual."
She sets a GG blast to hit at 8 PM -- half an hour into the party -- accusing Ivy of doing a thing of which she is not yet guilty, nods curtly to herself, and... I guess what changed for her just now is that she doesn't know Lily is on it? So the fact that William just said he wanted her at the party confirms that he's conspiring with Ivy? Because immediately before he called, even while she was on the phone, she was wanting to get the scoop, and now she's just going nuclear on everybody's ass. I don't really get it, to be honest. She's just very fussy. Maybe she's drunk with Gossip power?
QUEENS/EMPIRE
Blair: "Here's a present for your stupid baby. It's unwrapped because you weren't there to wrap it. So I guess you're paying the price."
Dorota: "This is not even legit gift for Baby Leo! This regift from failed marriage!"
Blair: "Anyway, I hope your baby has adequate care because I want you to drink vodka with me and talk about sex."
Dan: "I assume you have scotch in your office? From our 'Be Like Don Draper' pact?"
Nate: "If I think too long about our relationship I might kill myself. What's up?"
Dan: "I just had a little..."
Nate: "Oh. The sex was bad."
Dan: "Are you a wizard?"
Nate: "No. I've just had sex with you."
Dorota: "Him sex have like Russian potato?"
Blair: "No, his dick is fine."
Dorota: "Is comfortable to talk like this about children I raised."
...EVERYBODY IS NOW FUCKING WASTED BTW
Nate: "Feels fine to me. Was that a problem?"
Dan: "Well, I just get this crick in my neck and then..."
Nate: "Let's run through it again."
Dorota: "Good Lord I never even hear of that one. I think that not a thing."
Blair: "Look, just teach me how to fuck. Turns out sex with Chuck is not like regular sex with regular people."
Dan: "Okay, but what I don't get is how you go from there ... to there. That's where I mess up. Aren't you afraid you'll lose your balance?"
Nate: "You gotta have a toehold. That's why you never wear socks."
Dan: "What about that soccer outfit?"
Nate: "Yeah but notice that I always leave the cleats on too. That's because..."
Dan: "-- Toehold. Gotcha."
Blair: "Oh, so it's like it's practically upside down by that point."
Dorota: "Yes. Is called Grind the Corn."
Dorota: "Pinkie only. No more than that, first time. Boy get weird."
Nate: "Pinkie only, or else she'll think it's an accepted part of the routine."
Blair: "See, with Chuck and Louis, even Nate -- and God knows Carter wouldn't have said anything -- I really thought I was holding back on that one."
Dorota: "No. Must be bold. Set precedent."
Nate: "No, see that just hurts. It's like probably a half-an-inch more to the..."
Dan: "Oh, I get it, okay. So... Like that?"
Nate: "Perfect! There you go, buddy! You are battin' a thousand today."
Conclusion: If you're not old enough to talk about it, you're not old enough to be doing it. It was true when my parents said it, it was true when my grandparents said it, and it will be true forever.
Dan: "I really appreciate this, Nate."
Nate: "I ... really appreciate it too, Dan."
Dan: "We are so Don Draper right now."
Nate: (Snoring.)
Dan, taking his leave: "Yeah. That was totally Don Draper, man. Yeah."
PRADA
Dick Cavett's pretending he's dating Ivy for a funny picture for the 'society pages' when Lily finally comes up all Shark Week.
Lily: "Red wine. At a cocktail party. How very."
Ivy: "You're talking to me! Wonderful. Tell me what I've done wrong."
Lily: "Cocktail parties are about circulating. Red wine is about sitting very still. Why not just have a trampoline party with martini glasses, you piece of couture-staining trash?"
Ivy: "I trust my guests to operate wine glasses properly. That's why you're here, because I want you to know that I trust you."
Lily: "Well. I wouldn't miss a chance to honor my mother. Especially in front of photographers while this will is on the line."
Ivy: "I'd prefer to think of this is as the first day in our new beginning."
Lily: "I'd prefer to think of it more as the last day of the rest of your life."
Ivy: "CeCe loved us. She would want us to be close."
Lily: "The very fact that you said that to me proves you have no idea what you are doing."
Ivy: "We had a wonderful relationship once. I was like the Jenny you never had."
Lily: "Yeah, and the whole thing was a lie, so..."
In a rather well-orchestrated move, Ivy pulls Lily over to have their picture taken together, "for CeCe." Her hair is brassy red, and reaching Serena amounts of volume. It's just like Revenge, isn't it? Only instead of watching a somewhat righteous member of the 99 percent take down rich thugs for our entertainment, we're watching some inconsequential girl with bad taste take down ... the, uh, main characters of the show. Hmm.
JACK BASS RAPE CRISIS CENTER
This part is pretty good -- like all things on this show, it involves a truly insane amount of preparation for a one-joke gag, but it does it with élan. Chuck has changed the ribbon-cutting elegant party he promised into a blood drive for children with cancer! He drags Jack over to meet a little boy in a wheelchair and starts setting up this photo-op where Jack donates blood to him. Weird and unlikely? Maybe. I don't know what-all rich people are into these days. But I do think we can agree that car accidents and leukemia arise from roughly the same cause, and ultimately can be cured in a like fashion.
Jack: "Since when do ribbon cuttings involve crippled kids?"
Chuck: "Crippled kid sitting right here."
Jack: "Sorry, kid, but let's face it. You're crippled. Do not touch me."
They come closer and closer with the needle. "They" being the clowns or out-of-work actors that I guess Chuck hired to play medical professionals that would actually do a live, direct blood transfusion as entertainment for a gala. Jack jumps away, terrified that his Hep C blood will infect this little boy... And then the kid jumps up, whips off his wool cap to reveal a thick head of gorgeous hair, and climbs up Chuck like a monkey.
Chuck: "Yeah, that's right. Child actor. This little Hamlet-style play within a play within a gala within a new wing of a hospital was intended to illustrate your Hepatitis C infection. Consider it demonstrated!"
Jack: "Does this mean I don't get a hospital wing?"
Chuck: "Not necessarily, but I do need to know whose blood is up in me."
PRADA
Wm vdW: "A stellar debut, by all accounts. Dick Cavett doesn't just show up for anything. Now, about that checkaroonie."
Ivy: "I'll get you your money when I'm done talking to [some celebrity or debutante of the moment I didn't bother finding out]."
Lily: "Did you entrap her yet?"
Wm vdW: "I am still working on it."
Serena: "You guys! What's up? Take any bribes yet?"
Lily: "Our home may have been stolen by Florida trash, but it's going to be okay. She offered your father a bribe, as a matter of fact."
Serena: "Okay. But wait, how do you know that?"
Lily: "He told me immediately about it, albeit while making it sound like Ivy's idea entirely."
Wm vdW: "I may well be removed as executor of the estate, but frankly that's probably for the best. I am sleazy as hell."
Serena: "So what are we waiting for? Let's sic Gossip Girl on the bitch!"
Rents: "Well, she hasn't actually written the check yet, so..."
Serena: "I see. So I have four minutes to get out of this mess I've created."
Dick Cavett: "Serena, can I be gross to you for about three minutes and forty seconds?"
Serena: "Sure!"
2012, it would seem: Still not the year for Being Places.
LOBBY
Blair and Dan, both still smashed, meet up in the lobby at PRADA. As usual, Leighton Meester is the most wonderful drunk on TV, and Dan's always a little sexier when he concentrates on something other than being Dan. They sass each other for awhile and are pretty annoyed about their bad sex, but trying to man up, so of course they hit the elevator to grab tons more alcohol to put inside themselves first. Drunk sloppy sex is certainly a kind of sex.
PRADA
Dick Cavett: "You have to be nicer to me in your SxS column where you apparently talk about me all the time! Just kidding, it's not the '80s and I'm not relevant."
Serena: "Okay, nice talking to you! I really enjoyed that story about your dog's gender identity."
Dick Cavett: "That one kills. I remember the first time I told that story, at Phil and Marlo's house..."
Serena: "Okay, I have twenty seconds to spare so..."
Lola: "Serena, can I take up your remaining twenty seconds with my nonsense?"
Serena: "Sure! Oh, wait."
Gossip Girl: "Nice bribe, Ivy Dickens!"
Lily & Wm: "Aw, man! We didn't trick that little girl into criminal activity so we could steal all her money. Nuts!"
Serena Says: "That Gossip Girl sure does fuck things up for everybody all the time. I bet she can't Be Places, either. Dizzy bitch."
Serena Thinks: "Me and my Plans."
Ivy: "You Basses and Humphreys and van der Woodsens! I should have known you'd only come to my humiliating party with an agenda!"
Wm vdW: "Well, you did ask me for a bribe."
Ivy: "No, that's totally not even what happened, but whatever."
Serena: "Blame her! Deflect onto her! We hate you, Ivy!"
Lily: "I'm sure it went just like my trustworthy ex-husband said it did. Just as I'm sure you manipulated my mother with your caring nature and compassionate dedication to her for all those months. And then kicked me out of my own house!"
Ivy: "Actually, you kicked me out of my house, and it was really shitty. And I'm starting to think that no matter how much I care about you, maybe you're not worth it. I am going to give you like six more tries and then you're out of here. Now, when can you attend a party I will be throwing?"
Serena: "Lola! You overheard the only part of the conversation where our dad wasn't the one talking and making offers. Tell them!"
Lola: "I don't want one single percent of your shit. You people are the worst. But since you brought it up, I wouldn't really characterize it as Ivy offering him a bribe, even. He seemed really solicitous. Maybe Nate told you what I said wrong?"
Serena: "No, he was only acting that way because he knew it would be a fraud. Which is why I 'told' Gossip Girl and then 'she' posted it. So basically, you're the only person that can fix what I broke."
Lola: "I do not want to set a precedent here. You tend to fuck everything up a lot of the time. That's quite a commitment."
Serena: "This is your chance to help our family!"
Lola: "Stop saying 'our' family. I am planning on holding this over your head for another several months before my inner Vanessa finally caves and 'lets' you shower me with opportunities and gifts and cash money."
Serena: "That sounds like a lot of Carol nonsense. Just because every time you accuse us of being horrible money-grubbers we immediately grub money in horrible ways doesn't mean she wasn't wrong. She was just trying to alienate you from us so that she would have you to herself. Why else wouldn't she tell you of your mysterious parentage?"
Lola: "The hell does my mystery dad have to do with this?"
Serena: "Without him, and without your bitch mother, we are all you have."
Lola: "That is the most depressing goddamned thing I have ever heard."
ELEVATOR
Cute Gesture: "I can tell by the fact that you're not hyperverbal that you're upset about something."
Realist About Class: "I can tell by the fact that you've been drinking vodka."
Purple Eyeshadow: "I think it is about how you are bad at sex."
Not Realist About Sex: "I think it is about how we both are."
Gettin' Bored But Talkin' Truth: "We were less sexy than Courtney Stodden, the unsexiest thing of all time."
The Unceasing Performance: "I don't even know who that is."
Spin City: "Maybe it's just because you're so intellectual and that's our common interest."
Keep Talking: "Maybe that's it exactly. Just two incredible geniuses, unable to let go."
Keep Drinking: "That makes sense. Your mind is so attractive under that pelt of hair."
Not Flattering: "You're really good in my head, though. When I masturbate, I mean."
Drunk Wordplay: "I'm really good out of it, too."
Grammar Police: "Out of your head? Drunk, you mean?"
Drunk Whatever: "Whatever."
Reality: "Talking to you isn't making this better either."
But Yet: "Why are we suddenly so horny?"
Because: "We burned a lot of folks to get here -- and we have an obscure point to make."
Blair pulls the emergency stop thing and they fuck. Majestically.
EMPIRE
Jack: "I tend to think of myself as the Magic Johnson of hepatitis. In that my gross and dangerous promiscuity is still more acceptable than any amount of gay sex."
Chuck: "If you wanted a hospital wing, you'd buy one for yourself. This is about protecting the real blood donor. Was it my mother? The Mulholland Drive one?"
Jack: "No, but yes, but actually no."
Chuck: "Well, then I want to give her a hospital wing. And a piece of my mind."
Jack: "Why? Just be glad you're alive and don't bug out."
Chuck & Jack, tenderly: "I guess all that matters is that we have each other. Ah, family. Hey, let's get some prostitutes and fuck them in front of each other real soon, okay?"
PRADA
Lily: "Where in the fuck is my elevator? I can't stand being here in my own house where I don't live. I can actually feel myself about to do more horrible things to the little girl that lives here."
Ivy: "I will gladly call security. Get out, now."
Lily: "We're just waiting for people to stop fucking in your elevator, bitch. But we will be back."
Ivy: "No. You won't. Because I just figured out that there is no trusting you. I totally get why CeCe would screw you guys over: You couldn't even spare her an hour today."
Lily: (Eloquent roll of the eye; slight whip of the swanlike neck.)
Ivy: "I just don't get why it's hard to believe I cared about her -- or why all you seem to care about is hurting me with your lies and craziness."
Lola: "But like I heard you offer him money."
Ivy: "Nope. That's not how it went down. As usual, though, I sound crazier by telling the truth. I feel like such a Max right now."
Wm vdW: "Also, your assets are frozen from here on out now that we've got a case against you."
Ivy: "See how they are? That's vindictive. And they will toss you aside just like they've done me."
Lola: "No they won't. They're my family. I suddenly side with them."
Lily: "To be fair, we will probably turn on you too, sweetie. But that's just because you're family."
A TAXI (IS NOT A LIMO)
Dan: "I guess sometimes you have to throw away the first pancake. Or waffle."
Blair: (Laughs wonderfully.)
Dan: "So where shall we fuck ? I suggest Williamsburg."
Blair: "Of course you do."
I just thought of Jan from The Office when she realized that being with Michael Scott was causing her life to implode on itself like a dying star. First you fuck him in an elevator, then you take a cab, then you fuck in a bathroom in a Williamsburg bar which is basically like having sex with every single person who has ever had sex with any other person. What's , a standup fuck in a piss-smelling alley? As though it were Mardi Gras?
LOBBY
Wm vdW: "Thanks for joining the chorus of hatred toward that little girl we are framing. That was a real clutch play."
Lola: "It was the least I could do, after somehow giving Nate the impression that you were running yet another con. It can be hard to figure things out without knowing the whole story, which is why I always jump to ludicrous conclusions. Do you know how many times I've accused Nate of doing sketchy things, only to discover I myself was the one doing the sketchy things?"
Wm vdW: "I used to know your mom pretty well. Yeah, I got to know her real well, one time. And apart from her being a rabid drug addict with severe mental and emotional issues, she seems like a good mom."
Lola: "Uh, she does?"
Wm vdW: "Yeah, like, if she didn't tell you something important, such as who your dad is, maybe it's for a good reason. Not at all like when she kept the rest of your family a secret, for no reason."
Lola: "All perfectly logical, sure."
Wm vdW: "All I know is, if Serena and Eric ever found out that I have a mysterious daughter-niece, it would really fuck things up for me. So I guess it's like that, in a way."
Lola: "Yeah, parents are just people. Anybody can make a mistake. Even one named Lola."
Wm vdW: "Sure we can. Did I ever tell you about the time I brainwashed a psychologist into giving your aunt fake cancer? Or the time I abandoned and neglected my daughter so bad she stole a boat to get my attention? And then a horse? And even showed her vagina in Turks & Caicos?"
Lola: "All good points. But then I think, what if my dad doesn't even know I'm alive?"
Wm vdW: "I bet he does, but he just doesn't care."
Lola: "That's a nice thought, thanks. Well, it's been good talking to you, strange man of many vocations."
SPECTATOR
Serena: "Hey, Nate. Why so glum? You look like an angry bike mechanic who dropped out and can't pay his child support. Or film star Cam Gigandet."
Nate: "You sent Gossip Girl privileged information."
Serena: "Yeah, to save my family."
Nate: "By undercutting our exclusive access. Which blew our chances with that investor."
Serena: "But the 'society pages'!"
Nate: "You don't get it, dame. You're outta here. Persona non grata."
Serena: "Just because I scooped you like one time? It never even would have happened if you hadn't stolen that story from me in the first place -- I could have just put the bribe stuff in there, and neither of these terrible things would have occurred."
Nate: "Be that as it may, you're fired. The way things fell out proves I was right to mistrust you in the first place. Get your things."
Serena: "Fine. Sorry I ruined your pretend magazine again. I'm going to go sulk, and be Gossip Girl full-time. At least I have that to fall back on."
DUMBO
Lily: "What if she pulls an Anna Nicole and takes this to the Supreme Court? We'll be homeless forever!"
Rufus: "We have a home. You're standing in it."
Lily: "No, I mean like a real house. Where people live."
Rufus: "Apparently we've forgotten our California, indie-rock groupie days. Apparently we are accustomed to the finer things. I mean, it took me a while to get used to living in a palace, on your dime, but somehow I..."
Lily: "Yeah, that was quite an adjustment. I mean, I can't even make tea without fucking fireballs shooting out the..."
WHOMP
Lily: "Maybe it's the smell of singed eyebrows, maybe it's the fact that I am still completely hammered, but for a second I am going to stop bitching at you like the entitled princess I have become."
Rufus: "We're laughing! It's romantic! This is not hysterical laughter at all!"
PRADA
Ivy: "Let me eat cake! That's my little joke, because I'm sitting here all alone, eating cake and thinking about my frozen assets."
Footman: "Madame, your invoice for thirty grand."Ivy: "Oh right, for that party I threw, back when I had all that money a second ago."
A PISS-SMELLING WILLIAMSBURG ALLEY Yep. Called it.
PAYNE ANNUNCIATIONS: THEY NUMBER THREE
Chuck: "Private Investigator, please investigate the wrong lady. Do it privately."
Jack: "Mysterious interlocutor, Chuck is asking about your identity. You need to come fix this before he bothers that poor old madwoman I brainwashed into thinking she was his mom last time."
Nate: "Well, I just completely randomly got a call from Diana Payne. She's coming back to town and apparently is buying the Spectator again, or something."
Lola: "Who's Diana Payne?"
Nate: "I have some things to tell you about how I am a tadpole hustler. I fuck old women for money, sometimes. I may have left that part out before now. But it is about to be important."
GGHQ
Serena: "No job, no Dan, no friends. Nate's pissed at me for the eightieth consecutive episode. No family in Manhattan except my creepster dad and sister-cousin who still basically hates me. Blair off, imploding somewhere in Brooklyn. All my boyfriends are in jail or on the run or have film careers now. SxS was not a hit, and now that's over. I have nothing and nobody. I am alone in this universe. But at least I have you, Gossip Girl laptop. And all the secrets. Maybe I'll turn into a crazy housebound Nikki Finke, like GG 1.0. I'll drink bourbon and keep tissues in my housecoat. It will be quite a life, until something else completely random catches my eye..."
GG 1.0, immediately: "Dear Serena. Your first post as Gossip Girl was a travesty and you're an embarrassment to us all. It's actually flushed me out of hiding, is how crappy you are at every single job. Give me back my password or I will annihilate you. xoxo!"
WEEK
The heinous Diana Payne returns, the better to send Chuck completely around the bend slash give him something to do. Maybe Ivy can give Lola some advice on getting the shit stomped out of her by Diana, because for sure that is happening. Nate probably forgets he's even mad at Serena, like usual, while Dan and Blair deal with the scabies they just made sure to acquire. Best of all, Lily goes all the way to full-on Fuckabees, with like a bonnet and clothes from Tuesday Morning, and thence to full-blown alcoholic who says awesome Kirsten Cohen shit like, "I may like my Chardonnay but at least I'm not gonna die alone!" It is going to be so great, when Brooklyn finally cracks her down the middle.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.