Unbeknownst to Lily, Rufus offers Ivy a do-over on their contretemps, but then Lily goes behind Ivy's back to screw her out of everything. Rufus actually notices, for once, goes into a Humphrey huff that's actually well-earned, and by episode's end Ivy is broke and homeless, Lily is back home in PRADA... And Rufus is still in Brooklyn.
Blair's resistant to sign her divorce papers -- her princesshood being one more thing to mourn, as she notes later -- but when Dan goes to Nate for advice, he learns that Chuck actually paid off Blair's dowry, and Georgina had nothing to do with it. Assuming her reticence is related, Dan accidentally tells Blair what Chuck has done, which puts a much different spin on her harsh words to him when he visits her about his mother storyline. In the end, there are apologies all around, but the real upshot is that Dan and Blair can finally go public.
Serena, having decided to anoint Lola the new It Girl with her Gossip Girl powers, suffers a surprising recoil when Lola uses their relationship to leverage herself Natewise against the returning Diana Payne. Confronted with the non-hypothetical possibility of losing the spotlight forever, Serena opts to tempt GG 1.0 by holding onto that laptop just a little while longer, the better to wage new war against her cousin and frenemy.
So all in all, a few big reveals and some juicy twists. While the payoffs are a little contrived -- Nate's secret plan with Lola to discredit Diana ends in a kiddie porn stalemate and handshakes all around; Dan's panacea for Blair's princess panic is a ludicrously low-budget restaging of the Met Steps Monarchy -- the pieces continue moving into more and more delightful positions for the season's final movement. Blair's royalty retcon has never felt so organic, Lily's inconsistent behavior makes a lot more sense now that CeCe is dead, and of course there's nothing I like better than watching Serena go from passive-aggressive to aggressive-aggressive, even though it's always sound and fury by the end.
Meanwhile, all three of the players in the D/B/C triangle have never looked so lovely -- or so comfortable; Meester continues to be a joy to watch -- and there's a newfound feeling of consequences that lend the nonstop suds a bit more of that gravity it's been missing. Even without Ivy's ten steaming miles of mess this week, Lola more than makes up for it as her character -- and its Venn Diagram relationship to Jenny, Vanessa and Serena herself -- becomes more and more clearly delineated. All in all, a sharp hour for a show that's spent this winter half moving back into some smart, even sometimes moving, territory.
PREVIOUSLY
Ivy's funds have been frozen after her latest showdown with Lily, and Lola chose Serena over Ivy as the better of her well-meaning stalkers. Serena got bitched out by both Nate and Gossip Girl 1.0 by screwing up three important deals at once. Jack Bass accidentally revealed a new relative for Chuck and brought a cougar back into Nate's life, while Blair and Dan finally achieved liftoff ... with Georgina still out there somewhere, trying to get B safely divorced.
WALDORF
Blair: "My divorce papers! That Georgina Sparks sure works fast. Sometimes."
Dorota: "Hand them over, and my transmutation from irritating side character to irritating plot contrivance is complete! Consider me the new version of that one drawer in your vanity."
Blair: "If nothing else, I think Russell Thorpe and Bass Industries have proven nothing is more thrilling than a storyline about paperwork."
Lily: "That is the best news I've had all season."
GGHQ
Serena: "Tip about me, delete. Tip about me, delete. Tip about somebody else, maybe."
GG 1.0: "I wouldn't be too smug. Give me back my shit by EOB, or I'll threaten you some more."
Serena: "Okay, I'll give you back Gossip Girl in a second. I have just one more thing to do."
GG 1.0: "Does it involve fucking everything up for everybody?"
Serena: "You know me too well."
GG 1.0: "Then by all means, have at it."
EMPIRE
Chuck is wearing... A thing which is literally unbelievable. A tight, red tracksuit that would not be out of place on Suburgatory and looks so soft one might considering simply burying one's face in it forever.
Chuck: "I wonder if Elizabeth Fischer, my old crazy fake mom, would be interested in a hospital wing."
Nate: "In apparently unrelated news, Diana Payne is coming back to town."
Chuck: "Aren't you worried that Lola will bitch about it? Being that Lola constantly bitches about everything, I mean."
Nate: "I'm sure it will be fine. Lola has never heard of the Internet, remember? How that's the only way the entire Charlie Rhodes storyline makes even a tiny bit of sense?"
Chuck: "I'm reminded of a sleazy sexual encounter I once had. It ended poorly."
Nate: "After my meeting with Diana, I'll know better how to proceed with regard to Lola."
Chuck: "Then here's hoping she doesn't find out about the Internet in the two hours, eh?"
WALDORF
Serena: "Once you're divorced, you'll be free of the world's attention!"
Blair: "I certainly don't enjoy getting attention."
Serena: "Me neither! I see we are on the same page."
Blair: "I wonder, though. It is your destiny to be gossip-worthy. Why, tonight you'll be modeling lingerie named after you at Kiki de Montparnasse!"
Serena: "Flashing my boobs isn't about getting attention."
Blair: "Then what on earth is it about?"
Serena: "The important thing is that soon you will be irrelevant."
Blair: "That gives me pause."
Serena: "It gives me pause as well, now that I'm saying it aloud."
Blair: "Well, while I'm refusing to sign my divorce papers, you should set Lola up as the new It Girl."
Serena: "What a great idea! There's no way that can backfire or cause me to act a mess."
Blair: "It's so fun to make good choices with you."
LOLA/SOME BOY
Lola: "So yeah, I'm stonewalling my family for no reason. What's going on with you?"
Aidan: "I'm content to just let you exposit at me while I consider matriculating at Juilliard when I graduate high school in a couple years."
Nate: "Small world! Who's your gay friend, Lola?"
Aidan: "I was just about to ask the same thing."
Nate: "We're both very pretty, with prominent eyebrows. I'm sure I have nothing to worry about. Well, I'm off to meet with our new investor that I barely know."
Aidan: "Let's look her up on the Internet to make sure he's not lying."
Lola: "The Interwhut?"
WALDORF
Dan: "So I thought for our first official public date, we could do a series of insufferable things."
Blair: "Turns out the royal seal is not on our paperwork, so I'm not quite divorced yet. Also, I suddenly have to leave."
Dan: "Dorota, you and I both know Blair isn't trustworthy. Show me that paperwork."
Dorota: "No."
Dan: "Please?"
Dorota: "Well, okay."
Dan: "But the royal seal is right here! to where Blair still hasn't signed this paperwork. I'd better make more of Blair's choices for her."
SPECTATOR
Nate: "Diana! Why are you redecorating my office?"
Diana: "Something to do until my Cartoonish Villainry tailors finish that coat made of puppies."
Nate: "But now I'll never find my backbone!"
RHODES
Serena's circling possible new It Girls when Lola arrives; S is very cute with her because she has come up with a horrible plan to make Lola seem slutty, since that's how she gets so much attention.
Lola: "I think Nate is lying to me about things."
Serena: "I don't really care about that very much."
Gossip Girl: "Get ready, Lola! Whatever Serena wants, Lola's gonna get."
I just wanted to document the fact that Gossip Girl said a thing that made sense.
SPECTATOR
Nate: "But this is my media concern!"
Diana: "I am here to increase advertising revenue. And to control your whole life. And to say, 'Down To Your Skivvies Party at Kiki De Montparnasse' in my accent."
Nate: "I am going to that party! With my girlfriend, Charlie Rhodes!"
Diana: "Wow, still?"
Nate: "No, a different one. It's a long story that I don't completely understand, to be honest."
Diana: "This kind of shit is why I am in love with you."
DUMBO
Rufus: "Quite a day I have had!"
Lily: "Me too. I've been drinking since we moved here."
Rufus: "I stuck my nose in where it doesn't belong, and offered to undo the last few episodes. I told Ivy we will give her back her money if she gives us back her house."
Lily: "One thing I won't be doing is letting you in on the fact that I have no way of freezing or unfreezing Ivy's money. In the long run, it won't matter, but the less you understand about basic shit, the more likely I can control you with money."
Rufus: "Okay, call Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner, or whoever, on this phone and unfreeze her accounts while I leave the room."
Lily: "I will totally do that when you leave the room."
EMPIRE
PI: "Chuck Bass, Elizabeth Fischer is in Vienna. I haven't talked to her yet, but I can't imagine how fucking weird her accent probably is by now."
Chuck: "She's a schizophrenic fugitive who was brainwashed by my rapist uncle, so probably she would want to be found. Right?"
PI: "I'm not your friend, bro. I am a private investigator."
Chuck: "I'm going to stare out this window that I broke one time. I have so much to atone for. To this window."
PI: "If there's nothing else..."
Chuck: "I just wish I could make Blair be a part of this storyline for no real reason."
PI: "Like you paid off what we're still calling her dowry, for no reason? Even though she specifically told you not to?"
KIKI
Lola: "Is it weird that Nate lied to me again and I checked up on him again and I'm going off half-cocked again without asking him about it?"
Serena: "I literally could not care less about anything you just said. Put on this underwear."
Lola: "I can't afford this underwear, and you know you can't try on und..."
Serena: "It's ours! Rich people get the most free stuff."
Lola: "I hate goddamn rich people. But I will wear this free underwear."
Serena's Plan: Wait until Lola is wearing the underwear, then pull a fire alarm. (I am not kidding about this.) Rush Lola out the door and into the street in her underwear.
The end. That is the whole plan.
SPECTATOR
Dan: "Prepare to get Humphreyed harder than you ever were before. I am going to angst so hard about this paperwork your eyes will cross."
Diana: "Nathaniel, please tell your whining friend to leave. You're at work."
Dan: "Seriously in the entire world this is the only person who you'd take money from? What about anybody else on this show? What about Chuck?"
Nate: "No, he wasn't liquid enough after paying off what we're still calling Blair's dowr... Uh oh."
Dan: "You have just made my entire week by telling me that. To the Guiltmobile!"
WALDORF
Dorota: "Blair you lie to Mr. Lonelyboy and no sign thing!"
Blair: "I just need like one second to get over the fact that I was a painfully literal princess for a second."
Chuck, appearing from thin air: "Or is this all about me?"
Blair: "...No? Well, maybe."
RHODES
Lola: "I can't believe the entire UES saw me in my underwear!"
Serena: "Jesus, girl. You still don't understand the Internet, do you?"
Lola: "I can't believe the entire UES saw the Internet!"
Serena: "No, it's... Whatever. The important thing is that now you will be famous. Like me."
Lola: "I don't want to be famous like you, though. Hasn't it totally ruined your life every week for the last five years?"
Serena: "You see my motivation, then."
Kiki: "Even though my entire job is about looking at girls in their underwear, there is something about your cousin in her underwear. I demand that she model with you in the underwear show!"
Serena: "And so it begins."
Lola: "So let me get this straight. You're now going to trick me twice into being in my underwear on the Internet?"
Serena: "Yes. It will make Nate fall back in love with you."
Lola: "That does have an irrefutable logic to it. I'm in!"
Diana: "Dear Gossip Girl, please blast that I am going to the party with Nate."
Serena: "Done. Hey Lola, sorry about my timing, but do you know what Gossip Girl is yet? Have you come to understand what it is that we do on this show?"
Lola: "Explain it again, just in case."
CHAIRTIME
Pensive music, wonderful acting, absurd situation? Must be Chairtime: Time For A Chair.
Chuck: "Remember my last suicide attempt?"
Blair: "Right, fake mom. Go on."
Chuck: "I want to pick that scab some more and, since I'm picking scabs anyway, I thought you could come along for the ride."
Blair: "Pretty sure this is about how you're in love with me and everybody is in love with me and it makes me cry all the time because everybody's so in love with me."
Chuck: "What would make you say that?"
Blair: "Have you seen this show?"
Chuck: "Okay, that's fair. I can't say I'm entirely without agenda here. That's not entirely unrealistic or, frankly, all that awful of me."
Blair: "I win! On an inscrutable point that makes you even more depressed."
Serena: "Hey, bro! What are you doing in my house?"
Chuck: "I just desperately need a friend while I'm going through my most basic spiritual wound that informs everything about me, from my sexual addiction to my barely sublimated hatred of women to my frequent bouts of paralyzing depression."
Serena: "Good luck with that! I'm off to whore out my innocent cousin or I would listen to the words you are saying."
SPECTATOR
Lola: "...Well, because you lied to me -- again -- for starters."
Nate: "I don't know what GG's plan is, but I am not secretly dating Cougartown over there. Those days are over."
Lola: "But I want to make a huge deal out of it!"
Nate: "I already got in trouble once today for hanging out with my little friends."
Lola: "Fine. Have fun at that party I'm secretly modeling at! To punish you for not being upfront with me!"
Vanessa Abrams, Goddess of Hypocrisy: "Once again, you bite my moves. Well played."
DAIRTIME
Dan: "GG says Chuck just left your apartment, and I think I know why. It's because he paid what we're still calling your dowry! I will never trust you!"
Blair: "Well, I didn't know any of that, but thanks for the info. You may have just well and truly Humphreyed yourself in your own Humphole."
Dan: "Good thing my self-righteousness is unrelated to reality, or I'd feel really weird about myself right now... Oh wait, I do. I'm growing and changing!"
DUMBO
Rufus: "Lily, Ivy's lawyer just called! Apparently Tim Geithner tricked her into moving out of PRADA, but with no money, so now she can't get back into PRADA for ... some reason ... and is also destitute."
Lily: "I am very good at what I do, my friend."
SPECTATOR
Diana: "Check out this new thing I'm doing called 'humility' where I treat you like a human being."
Nate: "Check out this cold sore on my face that interferes with my powers of speech and also everybody's powers of paying the slightest attention during this scene."
RHODES
Lola: "It's a wash. He says nothing's going on with Diana, but also won't bring me to the party!"
Serena: "Guess it's just me and the underwear now."
Lola: "Fine. And I'm bringing Aidan. Diana better watch out for me!"
Serena: "Underwear party!"
GG: "When Lola becomes the new It Girl, Serena is going to shit."
Serena: "Very insightful, Serena who just said that."
GG: "No, I'm the Kristen Bell voiceover one that's extradiegetic, not the character within the show who is also voiced by Kristen Bell even when it's you or Georgina."
Serena: "Unnnnnnnderwear party!"
KIKI
Aidan: "I've never been to a party like this in Florida! We don't even have underwear there, just full Brazilians and daddy issues."
Serena: "Well done being adorable, little boy! Anyway, once Nate sees you with his even gayer doppelganger, he will dump that woman he's not dating for sure."
Lola: "Sure, that makes sense. Now, where is the underwear?"
Serena: "As long as you understand that this underwear is magic, and putting it on will make you New York's new It Girl. Or a Mormon."
Lola: "Shit is complicated. I do know that I'm terrified to surpass you."
Serena: "Once I look that word up, I will make the call on whether you should be scared."
Lola: "Well, well. If it isn't Nate and Diana. On a date. Have you met my date, Aidan?"
Aidan: "I am very into sexual intercourse of ladies. And underwear also."
Nate: "Wait, are you wearing underwear tonight? You lied!"
Diana: "None of this interests me too much, but I am playing to win! Come on, Nate. I randomly hate this new Charlie Rhodes just as much as I randomly hated the other one."
DUMBO
Lily: "I'm so excited to be packing up and getting out of this hellhole, that I am continuing to drink!"
Rufus: "I just feel bad for Ivy. Because of the horrible, nonsensical things you keep doing to her."
Lily, verbatim: "I refuse to feel remorse about this."
Rufus: "I refuse to feel anything but self-righteous about this."
KIKI
Nate: "I think you bought my website or magazine or newspaper because you are in love with me."
Diana: "You know what I love? Young dick."
Aidan: "Are you trying to seduce me, Miss Payne?"
Diana: "It would seem so. Nate, I'll be back in about five minutes."
Aidan: "If she's lucky!"
Lola & Nate: "...Our plan is working perfectly!"
Nola's Plan: Come to underwear party. Tell Diana she's in love with Nate, hoping that she'll instantly run off and fuck poor little Aidan in the bathroom. The end. That's the whole plan. And it works, of course.
CHAIR
Blair: "Why are you here?"
Chuck: "I am gross. It's an underwear party. Work it out."
Blair: "Why did you pay my dowry? It reminds me of that time you didn't trade me for a hotel! And it makes me right about yelling at you earlier for your mommy storyline!"
Chuck: "Actually, I am being completely aboveboard, and merely wanted to set you free without getting any credit for it."
Blair: "Now that you're saying that again, almost verbatim, I believe you. Such a pickle."
DAIR
Dan: "I'm sorry I came off all paternalistic and accidentally told you about Chuck. Mostly because I got screwed by it."
Blair: "I'm just going to stand here looking crazed and incredibly lovely."
NOLA
It's pretty amazing, watching Diana's sexual takedown of young Aidan, and pretty amazing to see Nate and Lola videotaping the whole thing. Surely something will happen to fuck this up...
Serena: "Here I am! I can't wait to make this all about me somehow."
Lola: "It's not actually about you, though."
Serena: "If it weren't for me, you wouldn't even know what underwear is."
Lola: "True, but not hugely material to what's going on here."
Serena: "I am going to stomp around so bad!"
Nate: "Go calm her down. She's liable to stampede."
Diana: "Nate, I can't believe you filmed me doing it, and now you're going to blackmail me about that! Or even exactly how that will work!"
Nate: "Aidan is twelve years old, by the way."
Diana: "Oh, okay. So you are in possession of child pornography, then?"
Nate: "...Right. I may have just surpassed Serena's Serena Plans in dumbness."
Diana: "See you at work tomorrow!"
UNDERWEAR PARTY!
Everybody is skeevy and slow-motion and it's weird. underwear party, count me out.
DAIR
Dan: "Are you okay?"
Blair: "I'm used to you second-guessing the women in your life. What really threw me is that Chuck keeps doing nice things for nice reasons. I will just never comprehend that. Apparently."
Dan: "Okay so if it wasn't about Chuck, then why didn't you sign that paperwork?"
Blair: "Because I won't be a princess anymore? Duh."
RHODES
Lola: "Sorry I burned you. In whatever way you're making a fuss about."
Serena: "What I don't understand is why you would come to this party with me, where your boyfriend also was."
Lola: "...Really?"
Lola: "Okay, that WTF face is pretty amazing. But on the real, I don't want to replace you as the It Girl."
Serena: "All you ever do is let me down! By doing things that make sense and then explaining how I am irrelevant to them!"
Lola: "Serena! I. Don't. Really. Like. You."
Serena: "I just don't understand what you're saying!"
Kiki Employee: "Couple quick changes. We're renaming the 'Serena' to the 'Lola,' so she'll be modeling that one. Serena, you will wear this underwear made out of living insects and a compost pile."
Serena: "The hell I will."
Kiki Employee: "I can't believe you're not going Dark Phoenix right now. You're at like a 6."
Serena: "I'm saving it for when I realize she's my sister and she starts getting the attention from our father that I so crippingly covet."
Kiki Employee: "What are you thinking for this time when you act out?"
Serena: "I'm gonna steal a horse and a boat, and then the horse will pull the boat down Madison Ave at lunchtime, and I will have my tits out."
AFTERMATH
GG: "Okay, Serena. It was fun watching you flame out, as usual, but I really want my stuff back."
Serena: "I have to figure out how crazy I'm going first, okay?"
Lola: "Serena, I'm sorry about before. I know what you were trying to do, the whole It Girl thing, and I appreciate it."
Serena: "Yeah, well, it's clearly not for you."
Lola: "Could you have said that any bitchier?"
Serena: "Nope."
Lola: "On the upside, thanks to that underwear I wore an hour ago, my acting career is finally taking off."
Serena: "I don't really care."
Lola: "And I was thinking that instead of being like you, I want to have Everywoman appeal."
Serena: "I'm staring mutely at you because you are kind of the worst."
Lola: "I just thought you were going to that place you go sometimes."
Serena: "Listen, just don't get used to it. You think fame's tricky? Wait until your secret sister shows up being impersonated by a whole other girl who pretends she's on psych meds and then makes your boyfriend call her by your name while he's fucking her in your old high school and then the real one shows up and starts dating your ex and eventually eclipses your fame through underwear and deception."
GG Tipline Inbox: "Lola Lola Lola Lola Lola Lola"
Serena: "Lola Lola Lola Lola LolalolalolaLOLALOLAloluhhhhhhhhh"
SPECTATOR
Diana: "Honestly, that game of cat and mouse last night was more fun than sex with a little kid. I think working with you will be super fun."
Nate: "What about that time that you took the fall for Louis publishing Gossip Girl's sources?"
Diana: "Wow, a dropped plot even Jacob forgot about. Nate, you are on top of it today. Anyway, that wasn't me. I just let you think so because I deserve to be punished or something."
Nate: "Well, as they say, fifth time's the charm. I bet this time I can trust you."
Diana: "Girl, I'm not even here for you! I'm here to get a hospital wing and/or force my secret son off another rooftop. But since you mentioned it, I am still in love with you. I promise not to make that an issue."
Nate: "I am sure it won't be, and I thank you for your honesty. It has very much put me at ease."
SPEAKING OF
PI: "Don't bother with Elizabeth Fischer anymore."
Chuck: "Don't tell me what to do! Even though I told you to!"
PI: "No, this is new. She is not your mom. She was in a monestary in Tibet at the time of your accident."
Chuck: "Of course she was. But then who donated that blood?"
PI: "I don't care, I just want to go home."
THE MET
Dan sets up this thing where Blair arrives on the steps of the Met in a great dress, feeling like an a-hole, and then he puts a cubic zirconium tiara on her head, and then a bunch of the GG Mini-Me's come running up in their usual riot of color, and scream her name for a second, and then run away again. This is exactly what I meant about your life collapsing in on itself like a dying star. A CZ crown for a swiftly decompensating crazy person, mark my words.
RHODES
GG 3.0: "The whole Lola underwear picture was staged! That bitch is desperate. There's only one It Girl in the UES, and that's m... I mean, Serena van der Woodsen."
Lola: "Is Nate there? I have something very important to tell him about irrelevant childish bullshit."
Secretary: "He's in a closed-door meeting with Diana Payne, and I won't disturb him for your nonsense. Go to college, little girl."
Paparazzi: "Lola! Lola! Lola! You're on your way!"
Lola: "I am Everywoman! It's all in me!"
PRADA
Vanya: "I'm glad you threw that little girl out in the street, Lily. I love carrying your things around! Where are Rufus's things so I can get started schlepping them too?"
Lily: "His things have remained in DUMBO, Vanya. Along with what he thinks is his dignity."
CHAIR/DAIR
Blair, via text: "Thanks for setting me free in a variety of ways, Chuck."
Blair: "...And I'm using that freedom to enjoy life in a whole new, kind of embarrassing way."
Dan: "'Kind of embarrassing' is my whole deal, Shortstop."
GGHQ
Serena, pretending to have given Gossip Girl back to Gossip Girl, sitting alone in the dark, like some old crone with one eye, or Nikki Finke: "I'm back! And I am here to stay. XOXO!"
WEEK
As Serena slowly realizes that there was never a "real" Gossip Girl and that in fact she's succumbed to Dark Half Syndrome after being bitten by a tick that night in the Hamptons, Dan and Blair host -- get this -- a big party where the whole cast is there, and then some dramatic shit goes down.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.