Waking The Dragon

S05E17

Jesus wept that was some bad-ass television. You know, normally when they say "It's all been leading up to this," they're not speaking literally. And it's not a valediction even when it's true, because the individual episodes should stand on their own in terms of excellence, but MAN if it wasn't worth the last year and a half to get here. I've thought for a while -- bitchy, stressed-out recaps to the contrary maybe -- that the episodes were adding up to something greater than their parts, but I don't think anybody could have predicted the manic, nonstop, gonzo insane hour we got tonight.

So among the many mysterious provisions of CeCe's will is the fact that, since PRADA was apparently always hers, she'd be holding her wake there. Chuck, Lily and Serena are all expecting breakfast -- the which S and Nate have tricked Lola into attending -- so when the usual waffles are replaced instead with an insane Irish wake, complete with a band and a casket, they are nonplussed. But compared to what follows, a wild brunch full of chauffeurs and The Help is really just the tip of the CeCe iceberg...

BOOM! Ivy's taking Georgina to the wake as her bodyguard, leaving Philip in charge of Gossip Girl.
BOOM! Lily gets drunk immediately, striking out at everybody from Carol to poor Ivy!
BOOM! Lola is disgusted once again by the Rhodes Women and tells everybody off!
BOOM! CeCe knew who Ivy was all along, and left her the entire estate, including PRADA!

BOOM! Carol threatens to tell Lily that she cheated with William van der Woodsen and had a kid!
BOOM! Meaning that Lola is both Serena's half-sister as well as her cousin!
BOOM! Lola is going to side with William against the Rhodes Women, in the future!

BOOM! Cyrus thinks he has found a loophole in the prenup!
BOOM! Philip accidentally posts Chuck's email regarding Dan's GG submission, rather than the submission itself! Ruining Chuck's chances with B!
BOOM! Estee is suddenly British, and has a plan to replace Blair as Her Serene Highness! But then the loophole is closed because Georgina violates Blair's gag order with the picture of her kissing Humphrey! Or the whole Estee thing was a big lie and the Waldorfs are bankrupt and Chuck somehow still thinks this is Dan's fault! B will set him straight!
BOOM! Blair tells Chuck that she loves him but she is not in love with him as previously stated!

BOOM! Lily tells Chuck that he was saved, not by God and Blair, but by a blood transfusion from Uncle Jack!

BOOM! Ivy kicks Lily and Rufus the fuck out of PRADA!

BOOM! Serena retires to her room, hating life and her family, in a suicidal depression!
BOOM! Georgina now has Chuck's loyalty, and sets off to save the Waldorf fortune in Monaco to secure her safety from Blair!
BOOM! But not before first anointing the new Gossip Girl, who is SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN!

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Blair runs to DUMBO to call the man she loves by his first name, over and over again!

: You know what, the episode isn't until April. Which would irk me, except, you know. BOOM! Everything actually happened! It was magnificent! I still feel drunk! Yet I am not drunk! XOXOXOXOXO!

PREVIOUSLY

Dan got a video from Gossip Girl, and then sent that video to ... Gossip Girl, and Chuck knows it. Blair was trapped in a loveless marriage for about six minutes, which came with a creepy girl. Serena had a huge problem with Dan being in love with Blair, but then decided it was fine, whatever. Ivy wormed her way into the gin-pickled heart of darkness, while Lola realized she'd been brainwashed by Aunt Carol long ago. All in all, a red-letter day for the Rhodes Women, who said goodbye to the impetus if not the catalyst of their many, many problems.

BASS ATTY OFC

Lily: "So I guess we have to bury the old bitch. Show me to your cheapest coffins and Edible Arrangements."
GG: "Did you really think CeCe was going out like that?"
Atty: "Actually, she's taken care of all of it, in true Stealth WASP style. Go home, where you will find something crazy going on."
Aunt Carol: "I can't help thinking this is all about me."
Lily: "Leaving you out of her funeral arrangements was our mother's last gift to me. Why don't you call one of your fake daughters and cry about it? Oh, wait. They hate you."

EMPIRE

Nate & Lola: "Blah blee bloo blee blee."
Nate: "Let's revisit the details of your storyline while rolling around in the half-nude."
Lola: "I hate you and your rich friends. Now, use some of that bullshit money to buy a girl some breakfast."
Nate: "You're kind of turning into the Vanessa. I'd watch that shit."

Serena: "Nate, how goes our plan to annoy your suspicious girlfriend by once again tricking her into doing things she doesn't want to do with people she doesn't want to be around?"
Nate: "I'm cool with just doing whatever people tell me."

Chuck: "Sometimes I masturbate while our maid makes coffee."
Nate: "Tell me more."
Chuck: "Well, I'm definitely going to be exposing Humphrey for giving that video back to the person that gave it to him."
Nate: "I meant about the..."
Chuck: "See, because then Blair will be back in love with me."
Nate: "And still married. And you're still the prick in this scenario."
Chuck: "I have to lock it down so in a year she'll divorce Louis and return to me."
Nate: "Or you could be cool like this one time."

WALDORF

Dan: "Blair! Surely waffles with my family doesn't sound totally depressing."
Blair: "Hang on, I'm on the phone with France. They say we can maybe get out of the prenup."
Dan: "Tell me exactly how that will work."
Blair: "It's kind of boring and also imaginary."
Dan: "Those are my two favorite kinds of thing."

By Jacob Clifton

GGHQ

Philip: "Computers!"
Georgina: "Get away from that computer. You're even worse at being Gossip Girl than I am!"
Philip: "But I exist to serve you!"
Georgina: "Fine. You be Gossip Girl today while I crash CeCe Rhodes's secret wake."
Ivy: "You can be my plus one."
Georgina: "In my made-up world, it's okay to crash a party as long as you bring somebody they hate even more."
Philip: "Cool, you gals have fun. I'll just be here fucking everything up."

PRADA LOBBY

Chuck: "The first time I've ever been to family brunch in this history of this show! I feel so good about myself!"
Serena: "Actually, there is something bonkers going on up there instead."
Chuck: "Listen, is Dan here?"
Serena: "No, but it might interest you to know that Cyrus Rose may have figured out a way to break Blair's prenup."
Chuck: "I was kind of hoping she'd be trapped in a loveless marriage for another year. Because I love her so much."
Serena: "You are doing it wrong, but luckily I don't care about anything so you can go about your business."

EXT PRADA

Lola: "What rich people things are we going to do today? Because I hate them."
Nate: "I was thinking we could go to Serena's house where you said you don't want to go, and hang out with Serena that you don't want to hang out with, and generally make decisions for you as usual."
Lola: "Okay, just this once."

PRADA ELEVATOR

Serena: "Mom, I must warn you that it is about to be bonkers."
Lily: "I'm so sure a bunch of old white ladies talking out their asses is not going to stop me from drinking myself into the usual coma."
Serena: "It's not actually old white ladies. It's more like the bar full of townies from Pete's Dragon."
Lily: "My dead mother is a crazy person."

THE WAKE

Is like, there's an Irish band. And stew. And green beer. And flowing whiskey. And a big wooden casket in the middle of PRADA that contains an old dead lady. Everybody there is poor. It is CeCe's greatest triumph.

GGHQ

By Jacob Clifton

Philip: "So here's an email from Chuck proving that Dan sent the video to GG that GG gave him, so what I'll do is fuck everything up by posting Chuck's email instead of the original em... No, that's not right. Undo! Undo!"

But it does not undo! It dids, instead. How remarkably unlucky.

WAKE

b>Lily: "There are poor people all over my house! Princess Valhalla Hawkwind rubbing elbows with chauffeurs, butchers and bakers and firemen. I think I better do some shots."
Serena: "Ivy is here. I better bark at her like a Jack Russell terrier until she goes away."
Ivy: "Look, bitches. I came because she invited me. Don't start none and there won't be none."
Lily: "And now Ivy too? I can't wait to blame this on Carol somehow."
Rufus: "Look, once the mysterious executor of the mysterious will arrives, the Westing Game can begin."
Lily: "I am gonna kick a motherfucker in the shins before this day is through."

NOLA

Lola: "Apparently I say things like 'epic fail.'"
Nate: "See! We're a good couple, because I'm an online magnate who optimizes search engines and such."
Carol: "Lola, my real fake daughter! Why are you here at your grandmother's wake?"
Nate: "I just do whatever people tell me. It's all been a gorgeous mistake. We were just leaving."
Lola: "Not before I take some mean swipes at my poor drug addict mother."

Carol: "I must reiterate once again that these people are utterly awful."
Lola: "The only person who has ever done anything awful, from what I can tell, is you. Not that I'm tremendously interested in getting to know these people either, but I've sort of hung up the towel as far as ever trusting Nate to do things that aren't sneaky and manipulative."
Nate: "And the weird thing is I barely even know that I'm doing it."
Serena: "Lola! So glad you got tricked into coming. Let me show you around the fabulous life you had stolen from you several times over the course of your life."

Philip: "Georgina, I was just calling to say I fucked everything up."
Georgina: "Whatever, it's fine. I am a huge mess, so this is just as chaotic as anything else we could have planned. I'm going to quit being Gossip Girl at the end of this party anyway so I'll have more time to do drugs and act bananas."
Dan: "Georgina, why are you here and why is that random priest scared of you?"
Georgina: "My mystique is unlimited, Humphrey. Listen, have you checked GG today?"
Dan: "No, I was too busy mourning the loss of my one true love."
Georgina: "Okay, well, if you get a second..."

By Jacob Clifton

Blair: "Oh my God, Chuck! I just read on Gossip Girl this latest thing! I'm sure I'll forgive you by the end of the episode."
Chuck: "It is not a frame-up! Dan's actually not that great of a guy!"
Blair: "Don't be silly. you'll be saying he's sexist and judgmental just because he hates women and thinks they're all a little stupid and crazy."
Chuck: "While that may or may not be true, it's important for you to realize that, in a way, it's like we're dueling for you. For your married ass."

DAIR

Blair: "If you think about it, though, ruining my wedding was pretty effed. Not because of the intent behind it, which will prove to be both obvious and dear, but because you let me blame Chuck and Serena and whoever else my crazy ass felt like blaming from moment to moment. And then not only that, you made my wedding embarrassing, and the invisible paparazzi wolves are all over the place, and also it turned my husband into a stone-cold monster."
Dan: "Yeah, but I meant well."
Blair: "Oh, okay. Then it's fine."

LAIR

Creeper: "Listen, bitch. Cyrus will never get you out of your prenup..."
Blair: "I don't have time for this, Creeper!"
Creeper: "...But I have an even better plan. You know how I'm in love with your husband?"
Blair: "Yeah."
Creeper: "And did you know he's in love with me? I'm secretly the chauffeur's daughter in this story?"
Blair: "I figured."
Creeper: "So this way I sweep in, and you're just this embarrassment. By tossing you in there, it makes me look acceptable, because you're such a trainwreck."
Blair: "Whatever works! For the ten seconds at least, I only have eyes for Humphrey."

RHODES WOMEN

Serena: "So anyway, that's PRADA. Sorry for having Nate trick you, but please don't blame him. He's functionally illiterate and just does whatever we say."
Lola: "You are tempting me into believing not all rich people are cunts."
Lily & Carol: "LET US DISABUSE YOU OF THAT NOTION BY FIGHTING OVER LIMOGES AND WHATEVER."
Lola: "Right. I'm out of here."

Ivy: "Hey, Lola! How's tricks?"
Lola: "Hey, girl that stole my identity. Why the fuck are you even here?"
Ivy: "It's an ironic parallel, isn't it? I have a right to be here and they are my family, even though I don't have a right to be here and they all hate me, while you have the opposite things going on."
Lola: "Mostly I just think it's probably best that my Mom sent me down the river in that basket."
Ivy: "On the other hand, she stole all your money and now you're a cater-waiter. At least I was born to be poor and destitute -- you're just selling matches because your mom's a drug addict or whatever."

Georgina: "Ladies, please! Think about this. There is obviously something else going on."
Charlies: "What do you mean? Are you psychic?"
Georgina: "I am possessed of many powers and talents, and one of them is identifying bastards. Lola, learn your parentage before it is too late. And Ivy, keep stirring shit up until I say."
Wm vdW: "Did somebody say 'parentage'? It is I, father of half of Lily's kids and most of the people on this television program!"
Charlies: "What a curious coincidence that you turned up just now!"

VDW

Rhodes Women: "I just wish Eric was here, or Jenny, or Pilot Inspektor, or any of CeCe's other many grandchildren that were replaced by her new made-up grandchildren."
Wm vdW: "I just wish my incomprehensible joke about Zaire."
Georgina: "Dr. vdDubs, I would like to introduce you to your fake niece and your real niece. Which is which? It's all a mystery!"
Nate: "Lola, the Rhodes Women are about to start their annual knife fight. Let's get out of their way. And Ivy, you need to get the fuck on up out of here based on principle."
Charlies: "No, we're going to stay until everything blows up. Georgina told us how this whole thing is going to go down."

DAIR

Creeper: "Okay, here's the deal. You can get out of the prenup based on [things], but you have to agree to a full press blackout."
Blair: "Makes sense. Because I am an embarrassing, ridiculous person."
Creeper: "Even tiny little UES blogs, to which the Crown Heads of Europe suddenly subscribe for some reason, and over which you have no control."
Blair: "Seriously, whatever. Let's say that makes sense."
Creeper: "Do you understand what I am saying?"
Blair: "All one ever wanted was a quiet life, away from the maddening crowd."
Creeper: "Okay, we're good then. I sure hope you don't turn up on GG in about one second, doing something ludicrous."

CHAIR

Georgina: "You sure look happy, Chuck. Almost like you aren't about to lose your only storyline."
Chuck: "At least she's mad at Dan."
Georgina: "Actually she isn't. But if you want her to stay in her loveless marriage..."
Chuck: "-- Of course I do! That's how I prove my love, by doing awful things!"
Georgina: "...Then all you have to do is stand there while I post this picture of her kissing Dan, to myself, from Dan's phone, and then discover having sent it to myself, and then have my husband post it on Gossip Girl."
Chuck: "I've been thinking of growing a Brooklyn moustache, the better to twirl it. That's as active a participant as I'm willing to be right now."

By Jacob Clifton

CHAIR

RHODES

Lily: "I am officially drunk enough to have my sister frisked."
Carol: "I am officially crazy enough to act a mess!"
Lily: "Get the fuck out of my house, you loon."
Wm vdW: "Actually, PRADA is CeCe's house."
Rufus: "That's right, your mother bought it for us. Remember?"
Lily: "No, because that makes no fucking sense, but whatever. This is the new status quo."

Wm vdW: "In other random news, I am the executor of CeCe's estate!"
Rufus: "Were you giving her fake cancer too?"
Wm vdW: "Considering her dead ass is in a box two feet to your left, I'd rethink that question. Anyway, I have her will right here."

Carol: "That figures, that CeCe would choose the father of some of Lily's children."
Lily: "I have no idea who fathered my children, Carol. Give me a break."
Carol: "I don't know who Lola's father is either, but just by saying that I have taken this episode in a radical new fucking direction."
Lily: "Let's see how it plays out."

Lola: "Dr. vdDubs, I'm a girl of uncertain parentage who has noticed my mom acting bonkers toward you."
Carol: "Lola, stop talking to that man this instant! I have to hang all over him like we dated!"

CHAIR

Dorota: "Miss Blair! I so sorry but Miss Creeper Jedi mind-trick me into telling her you at wake. Too many secrets lately! I feel like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy!"
Blair: "Played out, unimaginably boring, and unable to use a cell phone? Yeah, I can see that."
Dorota: "Cyrus Rose say you no answer phone!"
Blair: "I'm at a wake, so I put it on silent. And anyway, I took care of the dowry situation myself, by making promises to the royal family that I cannot possibly keep because I'm not in control of the press, through an unreliable third person."
Dorota: "Yeah because you on Gossip Girl kissing Lonelyboy! And he post this picture himself! From he phone!"
Blair: "I feel just like I did a second ago when this exact same thing happened! Rrrragh!"

DAIR

Georgina: "Dan, here's your phone back."
Dan: "Sometimes I think you're not working in my best interests. And didn't we have a mutual-blackmail agreement?"
Georgina: "I'm quitting the GG gig, Humphrey. So I am selling everybody out at this wake, one by one, until somebody goes insane."
Dan: "Okay but like Eleanor Waldorf is going to go bankrupt now. And Blair won't give me her sweet kisses..."
Blair: "Dan! I am mad about you once again, like I was a second ago!"
Dan: "It wasn't me, it was Gossip Girl! Who is Georgina!"
Blair: "That... Makes a lot of sense, actually. Carry on."

Chuck, in a hilarious drive-by hiss: "How does it feel to be set up and lose the person you love for something you didn't do?"

Creeper: "Oh, also our whole deal was a big lie anyway."
Blair: "I'm not sure I follow."
Creeper: "[I've watched this part twelve times and I still don't understand what the fuck is going on here, but somehow Estee gets the prince and we still lose the dowry.]"
Blair: "Bridget Jones joke! I am a time traveler from 1998!"
Georgina: "My greatest and most incomprehensible triumph yet!"

CHAN

Chuck: "Still kind of think I'm the hero of this story."
Dan: "There has never been a case on this show where you were that. Especially against me. I may be an insufferable dick, but my aggression is 100 percent passive. Nice Guys are the creepiest Guys of all."
Chuck: "It's not only the Blair part, but you also hurt my feelings because I thought what we had was real."
Dan: "I would like nothing better than that, but you've spent the past three episodes fucking with every part of my entire life, so..."

Blair: "What's going on here? Are you fighting?"
Boys: "YES!"
Blair: "Are you fighting over me?"
Boys: "SOMEWHAT TANGENTIALLY!"

Chuck: "Dan, admit to playing passive-aggressive head games ever since the accident, leveraging our dead baby and Our Lord Jesus Christ, blaming me for the video thing, and generally zapping Blair into an unholy dependence on you under the guise of friendship."
Dan: "...Actually, yeah. That's valid. I didn't really know that I was doing that, and I do honestly care for you both as friends, but I was being pretty sleazy at certain points. Like when I fostered your mental illness about Magic Jesus, knowing that it was grief over your dead baby more than anything else. Or when I ruined your wedding and blamed anybody that stood between us."
Blair: "Actually, now that you're saying it out loud I guess I get that. You're still the one I like, though."

RHODES

Wm vdW: "...Rich people stuff, treasures, things..."
Carol: "How come Mom left you everything?"
Lily: "Because she hated me marginally less? You idiot?"
Carol: "Well, you are a high-class hooker that marries creeps for cash."
Lily: "At least I married them, you asshole."
Carol: "On the other hand, all this crap is kind of low-level. Maybe it's just a sign that you were only pretending to love each other, and I'll still get the windfall for honestly just hating her in the open."
Ivy: "That seems unlikely. There's only one person here who was ever even slightly..."
Rhodeses: "If you say Dan Humphrey we will fall on you like dogs."

Wm vdW: "Everything else in the entire world goes to... You."
Rhodeses: "Her?"
Ivy: "Me?"
Carol, recovering quickly: "...You mean Charlie. Lola. My daughter, Charlotte."
Wm vdW: "No, it actually says Ivy Dickens here. Please don't trample my moment."

CeCe: "Please, like any of you idiots could get something like that past me. Considering this my final revenge for having such hateful daughters. Ivy, I really wasn't that hard to love. Please take care of Lola and turn her against the rest of them, so my vengeful plot can be complete."
Charlies: "Done, Grandma!"

Rhodeses: "[A sort of grinding, screeching sound, like a coal-burning freight train throwing sparks.]"
Ivy: "I didn't ask her for anything, I just hung out with her! She was cool!"
Rhodeses: "[A screaming comes across the sky.]"
Ivy: "She was lonely! It is because you are bitches!"
Rhodeses: "[A thousand harpies descend on the ranks of their enemies.]"
Ivy: "You know what, fuck this. You're making an enemy right now."
Rhodeses: "You are a carpetbagger! You tricked and fooled and murdered her!"
Ivy: "First of all, that's ludicrous. The only person I've ever murdered is Max. And secondly, she called my by my name. That icy old queen saw through each and every one of us. She is like those boob cat ladies in NeverEnding Story, and I'm the only one who passed."
Rhodeses: "If only we had integrity."
Ivy: "I am going to ruin both of you for being so mean on what was already a tough day."

CHAIR

Chuck: "I thought all my horrible behavior was my own fault, but now I see we must blame Daniel Humphrey!"
Blair: "...No, honey. You're still accountable. And it's not really about that anyway."
Chuck: "But you're to be annulled! And I am rich and you are poor now! It's genius! I'll never hit you again!"

Blair: "Listen, you crazy little nugget. I get it. I get where you are coming from, and I don't begrudge you anything. Frankly, I don't begrudge Louis anything either. When Humphrey disclosed his implication in all this, it was like a blister being popped, and suddenly I was able to see everything from a new perspective. That's why it's called radical honesty. If there's one thing his inauthentic Brooklyn organic bullshit is actually worth, it's the idea that there's something underneath the burlesque -- even if searching for it becomes its own kind of performance. So I am going to be honest with you, and with myself, and you won't even hear me talking but I have to say it anyway. I love you, but I am not currently in love with you. And you deserve more than that. You deserve reality. So do I."

It's like she's on the other side of glass, suddenly. He can see and hear her, but she's joined a new world and a different order. I don't know if she'll succeed -- Serena's been trying to negotiate this since we met her and she's about to fall asleep again; it's asking a lot, it's asking the rest of your life when you go here and try this -- but I do think it's time to try. Time to wake.

RHODES

Serena: "Lola, I know that was some ass-awful behavior, but you have no idea what Ivy has done to us all, including you..."
Lola: "You know what, you're not my family. You're hers. And after that display, I'm thinking she is the only one worth pitying."
Serena: "She's a criminal!"
Lola: "You made her one. All you people do is act like assholes to each other."

I always thought Revenge was interesting in that way too, like watching somebody pretty and blonde taking down the 1 percent becomes its own nasty pleasure, like that endless year of shit-talking Ruth Madoff. #occupyeastegg. It isn't the way I prefer to live my life, but it's there for you if you're the kind of person that gets off on that stuff.

Serena: "Isn't there any way I can trick you into coming back and joining our ranks? Surely Nate can find some new creepy way to force you into doing what I want..."
Lola: "No, the only reason I stuck around was to find out who my father is. Or something along those lines."

Carol: "Segue! Let's get drunk and fuck. Like we used to, back when you got me pregnant with my daughter Charlotte. And while we're on the subject, how about you take away all of Ivy's money and give it to me, somehow through legal magic, or else I will tell everybody about that."
Wm vdW: "That is some information I did not previously have."
Carol: "You think Lily's crazy drunk now? Wait until I tell her our daughters are sister-nieces. For God's sake, Lola was born between Serena and Eric, dude. You are scroooooood."

By Jacob Clifton

RHODES

GG: "Spotted! Dr. vdDubs, shitting himself forever."

WALDORF

Georgina: "Zasp! I have appeared!"
Blair: "It doesn't even interest me to find out how you always do that."
Georgina: "Look, I'm sorry you were collateral damage, I just wanted to ruin some lives and yours was already so close to being ruined by your nonstop horrible decisions and ridiculous behavior."
Blair: "That makes sense."
Georgina: "Now, because I posted that picture from Dan's phone, I have Chuck on my side. The only other threat to my power right now is you, which means I am going to need to build up some capital..."
Blair: "What could you possibly do for me that would put me in your debt? I only have eleven thousand problems."
Georgina: "I will save your Waldorf fortune and get you out of your marriage. It's because of my GG intel, but that's all I'm going to say."
Blair: "Fine. You go take care of my major issues, and when you come back I'll be in your pocket."

By Jacob Clifton

You know who I miss? Carter Baizen. I wish Carter Baizen worked the same power economy as Georgina, I think he'd be really good at it. Nevertheless, this is a pretty awesome -- if barely sketched -- idea, and I'm excited to see what happens . This is one othe most exciting turns of events, in an episode packed to the brim with exciting events, I have ever seen.

ACTUALLY

I will say too, at this juncture, that the bewildered -- not to say defensive -- shock of the writers for the past year, at all the fan vitriol, makes a lot more sense if you know where this was headed. (The fan vitriol itself, of course, doesn't make any sense at all unless you are an emotionally disturbed college freshman with excess feelings, but that goes without saying.) The prince, the shoe thing, all the hide and seek with Dan... It was adding up to itself in ways that mostly made sense, and with sufficient foresight were fairly well telegraphed, so it's unbelievably satisfying to have finally caught up with all the initial seeds that have been planted. But on the other hand, and I think I mentioned this in the recaplet, those things are valuable in proportion to how enjoyable the actual episodes are, and that's where it fell down a lot of the time.

Knowing the destination makes for satisfaction in the writers' room, but the only people who use the word "endgame" are shippers, and shippers don't know shit about storytelling. It's not the ends, it's the means, because the means are the ends, so no matter how satisfying and great things are right now, it doesn't retroactively improve past episodes.

Like I got a pretty crazy email this week from a fan of another show I'm writing about, which has a very short season which is about halfway through, and the guy was like, "Well, you're a jerk for not liking the exact thing I like, and I hope you get fired, and at least I still have hope." And it's like, The show is half over! You already know, there's no hope or not hope. Even if that was the moral victory you seem to think it is, that's still not what's happening. I think what he meant was that the finale could be really neat, and certainly I hope that it is, but that still doesn't actually improve the half of the show you've already... You were there! You know what I mean?

LUCK

Lily: "Charles, thank God it's you. The only person I actually like on this show."
Chuck: "You're wavering, Mother. Have a seat on this chaise-lounge."
Lily: "Thank you, my beloved son. Please distract me from my many white-lady probs by telling me yours. Or maybe I can guess! Does it involve you doing horrendous things to Blair Waldorf, and then acting like a shocked and sullen little boy when you get what's coming to you?"
Chuck: "In a word, Mother, yes."
Lily: "Not to ruin your day further, but I am completely shithammered and this might come out wrong, but do you remember that time that Blair prayed you into complete health and herself into an Earnshaw hysteria?"
Chuck: "Yes. God kept shooting taxis at me like I were Frogger, mum."

Lily: "It was not an infusion of God's Grace via Blair that saved you, son. It were the demon blood of that Faustus, that rake, that raping humping monster, that thumping uncle his own self. That Uncle Jack."
Chuck: "You called your rapist to donate blood to me after the accident?"
Lily: "We were already chatting. Sometimes when I forget and drink with my Ambien I call him up and we just talk about stuff. The opera, your many other moms, my secret love children, the GOP primary. It gets lonely with just Rufus and the ghost of your father for company."
Chuck: "Annual suicide attempt, here I come! I sure hope Blair still has her Spidey sense about that, or I'm fucked. Otherwise, we'll fall in love immediately like usual!"

NOLA

Lola: "Nate, thank you for buying me all this food and tricking me all the time... Hold up, my cousin's dad is calling..."
Wm vdW: "Lola, probably we should talk. Things just got even more trailer parky."
Lola: "More than Blair being married and pregnant? What, am I your daughter-niece or something?"
Wm vdW: "Just come visit me at the Empire, where everybody will eventually be showing up with various parentage issues and blood transfusion issues."
Lola: "Okay, just as soon as I've spent all Nate's money and bitched about it the entire time."
Nate: "I really have nothing else in my life right now."

GGHQ

Philip: "So wait, you're flying to Monaco to save Blair's life, and you're quitting being Gossip Girl? That is really going to cut into my having-sex-with-dudes time when you get back."
Georgina: "Best live it up while I'm gone. And hey, could you mail this? It's the laptop containing all of Gossip Girl's equipment. Blowguns, GPS pintrackers, the whole bit. All of her info that just anybody seems able to hack into. I've decided I know who the GG is going to be, and it is going to blow your mind."
Philip: "I'm just glad you have a hobby, even if it essentially being a crazy stalker of about ten people at once. Have fun storming the castle, and we'll see you when you don't come back for the rest of the season probably."

MARFA

Lily: "Whew, drinking from 10-5 will really take it out of a person. Let's put on our snuggies and watch some old person show or something."

Ivy pops up from behind the casket! It is terrifying and hilarious!

Ivy: "Helllloooooo, bitches!"
Rufus's vexed masculinity: "Get out, little girl! I am protecting my home!"
Ivy: "Actually, your asses can get out."
Rufus: "Excuse me? I will totally fight a little girl."
Ivy: "No, I mean literally get out of my fucking house. Remember?"
Lily: "But we have nowhere else to..."
Rufus: "DUMBO. We have my loft where Dan lives. It's pretty much the same amount of opulent as here, but in Brooklyn. How insulting that you didn't even remember that."

Ivy: "I don't give a fuck where you go. You have five minutes."
Lily: "I suppose apologizing would actually work, because you're a rational, reasonably sweet young lady who thinks of me as family. Therefore, I am going to chunk this champagne flute at your head and then go pack up all my shoes and crap and leave. That'll show you!"
Ivy: "I'm not even trying to be a bitch, I'm just really tired and I know you're not going to let this go.
Lily: "Oh, you can bet I'm going to turn this into a nightmare of dysfunction."
Rufus: "And I'll be right there beside her! Totally useless!"

GGHQ

Serena: "Aaaauuuughhhhhh."
Dorota: "Miss Serena, you are here in fully lit bedroom? I thought it was Polish ghost."
Serena: "No, I'm just bored and miserable and nobody is in love with me."
Dorota: "You make stunningly rapid transition to ennui."
Serena: "My cousin I was obsessed with hates me. My other new cousin I got obsessed with hates me. My best friend is in love with my one true love, who disregards my feelings and existence to a hilarious degree. My Daddy, who has yet to give one iota of a shit about me, is apparently adopting all of Carol's fake babies. I can't read, I don't know how to be places, and I may never find my hairbrush. And don't even get me started on that bitch CeCe leavin' me out of her will. It's enough to make a girl rustle some horses or something. Steal a boat in Santorini."
Dorota: "Me miss Carter Baizen too, Miss Serena. I turn on symbolic lamp and touch my pregnant stomach like objective correlative. You future package arrive soon for new havoc."
Serena: "Just bring me porn and ice cream, Dorota. You know the fuckin' drill by now."

By Jacob Clifton

MARFA

Lily: "Whew, drinking from 10-5 will really take it out of a person. Let's put on our snuggies and watch some old person show or something."

Ivy pops up from behind the casket! It is terrifying and hilarious!

GGHQ

By Jacob Clifton

INSIDE

Knock-knock.

Dan: "Who is it? Somebody who used to live here coming back to live here and salting my game, perhaps?"
Blair: "No, it's just me."
Dan: "I don't even remember if you're pissed at me or what is going on."
Blair: "Me neither, Dan. Daniel. Danny Boy."
Dan: "You are saying my names!"
Blair: "Well, 'Lonelyboy' wouldn't fit that well, would it? Considering you've just attached yourself to the crazytrain of all time and I have no other friends or boyfriends? And it's not like I can take you home with me, so we're going to be up to our eyeballs in Humphreys in a minute. All that's left is your name, what I have never done called thee, and it trippeth off my tongue like so much whirling camera action. Let us buss."

They do. It is awesome. It is awesome! What will happen ?

! (2 APR, AKA A LIFETIME AWAY)

Serena is the new Gossip Girl! Bad sex here, Dair, and everywhair! Chuck embarks on what's sure to be a scintillating storyline involving Bass Industries! Lola becomes the daughters William never had! Retaliation is the order of the day!

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.