Bad Charlotte

S04E20

This episode was so soapy-weird it's positively trippy, between the bombastic music and absurd lighting, but at least it was fun: Not one but four fairytale princes, each one played like puppets by their respective princesses, and each story ending in disaster for nearly everybody. (Lily spends the entire episode watching Downton Abbey, which would have made her the winner any old week -- because it's the best -- but really puts her ahead of the pack this time.)

Raina decides to go looking for her mom, again, sending Chuck into a tailspin, again: Depressed, growing slight facial hair, delivering every line as though about to vomit. But then, maybe he has good reason: Avery and Bart were having an affair, which she ended the night of the fire. Chuck and Nate get into a scary homoerotic fight -- Nate touting the Prince over whatever perverted shit Chuck and Blair ever had going on, even -- that sends Chuck stumbling drunkenly into the night for one last try with Blair.

Meanwhile, seems adorable Prince Louis is about to be engaged to one of ten princesses (literal!) at a big fancy Royal Ball. Dorota draws on her background to instruct Blair about the finer points of royal etiquette, awesomely, but Blair's Cinderella dreams are threatened by two princesses: his mother Princess Sophie, a hilariously regal battleax, and Ugly Sister Serena, keeping the royal heads of Monaco informed on the less-valorous chapters of Blair's history.

Of course, once B asks S to accompany her to the Ball, Serena relents, but not even Serena can help when Chuck -- blasted and crazy and hilariously embarrassing -- shows up and ruins the Ball all by himself, trying to jam an engagement ring on her finger and generally scaring the shit out of all the royal people. (Also scaring them: Manic Blair Waldorf, who spends the entire Ball circling the room like a What The Fuck Robot stuck on Insult Everybody, but of course she never notices that part.)

After that debacle, a contrite S admits both to the sandbagging intel and to supporting personally the eventual/inevitable Waldorf-Bass Empire, which causes Blair to get awesome about how just because S will never get over Dan doesn't mean that B wasn't serious about the Prince. They break up, just as definitively as always, but it's still kind of sad. The Prince, having overheard Blair's heartfelt declaration, proposes marriage -- with or without the crown's approval.

Vanessa, basically hiding in garbage cans now to spy on everybody, catches Cousin Charlie kissing Dan on the cheek and, between comparing herself to Julian Assange -- even Vanessa is now making Vanessa jokes -- and promising to get out of our hair forever at season's end, she decides to play Fairy Godmother so that at least S and B can't have her Lonelyboy.

Trouble is, Dan's scared to death of Charlie's crazy, crushed-out eyeballs, so she needs to step it up: All the van der Humphrey men, along with Rufus's new hipster protégés, are treated to a completely inappropriate business dinner that causes the first of many Charlie meltdowns -- and clues Dan in to the fact that, once again, Vanessa is dicking everybody around.

Dan sends Charlie off to murder V, but as it turns out Charlie knew exactly what she was doing: Portraying Vanessa as a sabotreuse, so that his whole Knight In Shining Armor thing would kick in and turn her crush into a real situation. She sends Vanessa yelping into the night, and claims her boy with a glinting evil grin. (Really does just take a couple days of hanging out with Serena, I guess. Aunt Carol was right!)

So you got Raina dumping on Nate, and Blair on Serena, both for loving Chuck more than anybody else and protecting him, even mid-meltdown. Nate dumps Chuck, and Blair dumps Serena, rending the NJBC to its root, which is fantastic... Until Blair tells Chuck about her engagement, and he pretty much beats her up, which is real scary. Anyway, now he's totally alone and everybody hates him like five times more than before.

Including Raina, who enlists Uncle Jack's help in finally getting Chuck to just actually kill himself week... If the Prince's thugs don't get there first.

Amazing! XOXO!

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the cast's best and worst film roles. And see what our vlogger thinks of the show, below!

What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Join the conversation now!

LATER

Blair: "Eleanor, I don't know what time it is France, but I just got engaged and I thought you should know. Oh, of course it's not a real engagement. That would equal me being happy. No, this is one of those we barely know each other so we're going to be dating for our whole engagement, I just got beaten up by my other boyfriend, Serena tried to have me murdered kinds of deals. I'll explain at the end of the episode, when we get there."

BUT FIRST

Gossip Girl: "[Fanciful doggerel. Pitiful rhyming mumbo-jumbo, as though simply forming a sentence weren't usually beyond her skills, now she's going to be rhyming?]"

Chuck: "Private Investigator, I have once again changed my mind about the fire and the blowed-up lady and my Bart Legacy and my opinion of myself and everything and whatever. I know you love hearing me talk about Raina's stupid mom as much as I like talking about her, and I pay you enough that you have to listen to my endless chundering on. So settle in, Private Investigator. Put those feet up."

CHEZ WALDORF

Blair: "Our conversations are so amazing! I love comparing the Met to the Louvre and jet-setter things like that."
Louis: "Sometimes when I talk it's kind of hard to listen to."
Serena: "Oh hey, assholes. I see your lives still haven't been totally destroyed. I should have woken up even earlier. Yeah, that's something I do now: Wake up in the morning. Take that, Places!"

Louis: "That giant blonde girl always makes me feel like I'm going to be trampled. I have to go the Ambassador's Salon in the Palace of International Stuff or some such nonsense."
Blair: "Sometimes when I act kittenish and adoring, it's hard to watch."
Louis: "That is because there is zero reason for us to pretend that our relationship is real."

DEMILITARIZED BATHROOM ZONE

Blair: "That was cool how you just were totally mean to both of us for no reason."
Serena: "You know what, you're right. Consider the feud dropped."
Blair: "...That was easy."
Serena: "Honestly I was having trouble remembering why we were fighting."
Blair: "Yeah, it made little sense."

Dorota: "This relationship is a joke, you guys realize that?"
Blair, verbatim: "Dorota, everyone knows that with Princes, things escalate quickly. It's genetic. After all, Prince Charming knew he loved Cinderella as soon as he saw her preternaturally tiny feet."
Serena: "Wait, he's a descendent of Prince Charming? That is awesome!"

By Jacob Clifton

Blair: "Good thing the entire Monegasque populace is in Botswana this week, doing royal stuff, so they aren't aware of the huge PR blitz I'm doing to make the rest of Europe fall in love with me."
Serena: "Yeah, that reminds me, I have to call Botswana and ruin your life."

DUMBO

Dan, looking hot as hell: "Dad, why are you dressed James Dean's dad in that one part of Rebel Without A Cause?"
Rufus: "To say things have gotten weird during Lily's incarceration would be an understatement. We're watching Downton Abbey, and apparently that involves costumes."
Dan: "I just turned my ears off from inside my head."
Rufus, in the hushed tones of a sexual slave: "But listen, I'm feeling so emasculated and marginalized by this latest scheme of your stepmother's to drive me insane that I actually have drummed up some production work. There's this new indie band called Panic that I am going to be working with. So sorry, loser, guess we can't hang out."
Dan: "Um, actually I am here to hang out with Cousin Peepers. But your woefully unrealistic opinion of your social worth has become quite the theme. And stop treating me like your boyfriend. Or your Vanessa Abrams."
Rufus, hurt: "Well, Cousin Charlie's probably in love with you. And ass crazy."
Dan: "I'm so sure! That never happens on this show."

EMPIRE

Nate, verbatim: "It's four o'clock! Smoking jacket hour, man. Why are you still in your robe?"
(Gay sex. Just a little bit.)
Nate: "Now, what's got you all crunk and bendery? Is it that Blair's dating a prince?"
Chuck : Nathaniel, I am deep in my own darkness right now. I couldn't care less.
Nate: "Will anything make you go crazy and stalk her around town and hit on an old mean princess lady and smash a window?"
Chuck: "Probably something will. But as long as you love me, it's going to be all right."
Nate: "Well, bump in the road there. You know how you keep changing your mind about the blowed-up dead mom of Raina?"
Chuck: "We've mentioned it once or twice, yes."

Nate: "Well, Raina also keeps changing her mind about that, the same way, and now she wants to find her some more. Maybe it will turn out to be her mom-not-mom-mom and she'll remove Raina's head and barf in it, like your mom did. The sex after that was amazing, remember?"
Chuck: "If you ever want my tiny hands on your tiny body again, you will nip this Raina thing in the bud. I am not trying to hear that mess."

!KRAZYTOWN

Charlie, verbatim: "Your Anthropology class is so cool! It's just so interesting how the !Kung tribe treated their women as hunting heroes, while the men, they just... I'm babbling, aren't I?"
Dan: "No! Well, yeah, you are, but enthusiasm is great."
Charlie: "Oh, is it? Then I'm gonna turn my crazy up to 100 right now. I will enthuse the shit out of you, until you are forced to run screaming from the entire city."
Dan: "Rufus was right, once again. I need to get the fuck."
Charlie: "I'm gonna look for books on the !Kung tribe! And books about kidnapping boys."

(Vanessa Abrams steps out from behind a ficus wearing night-vision goggles and a fake mustache, because all she does now is overhear things and then fuck everything up for everybody like a fuckface. It's her job.)

SALON

(Now, whenever anybody says the word "Monsignor," don't you just automatically think of Monsignor Gänswein? He's like the Anderson Cooper of Jesus.)

Louis: "Stop trying so hard! But also try so hard! Because my character no longer makes any sense because I keep setting up situations where this is impossible and then saying hell with it. So just do whatever, I guess! Until they get back from safari, and then you should probably change your name."
Blair: "That makes sense."
Louis: "I do have something major to tell you that makes this storyline even more ludicrous. Frankly, I'm embarrassed it slipped my mind."
Blair: "I'm sure I won't see it as a problem. I am 100% total manic right now."

Louis's Mom: "[ Français facil]!"
Blair, awkwardly curtseying: "I'm Blair Waldorf! The person you hate!"
Louis's Mom: "I can't believe you haven't told this trashy girl about your ten possible brides!"
Blair: "Do what?"
Louis: "Yeah, there's going to be a fairytale ball and my ten possible brides will be there, and there's this tree with silver leaves and then a tree with golden leaves and then I think a toad talks to you or something."
Blair: "This is ridic."
Louis: "No, this is how Europe totally is."

Serena: "No problem, Louis's Mom! If there's anything else horrible I can do, just let me know. It should be way easier to sabotage my best friend's one chance at happiness now that we don't have to deal with that pesky NYC/Botswana time difference."

By Jacob Clifton

CHEZ WALDORF

Dorota: "[Broken nonsense English.]"
Blair: (Kicks her in the stomach eleven times.)
Louis, appearing: "That's how we do it in Monaco. In fact, if we get married there will be a housemaid there just for the ritual stomach-kicking."
Blair: "What are you doing here?"
Dorota: (Menaces him physically; racist Eastern Bloc jokes.)
Louis: "Being adorable mostly, but also saying some crap about how I have to get married to be a proper heir to the throne."

Blair, verbatim: "That's outdated! And old-fashioned! And just idiotic!"
Louis, verbatim: "Well, so is monarchy."
Blair, in no way: (Hears what he is saying.)

Louis: "So even though my mother has already specifically denied me the right to date you numerous times -- even sending hot Lucien to put a bullet in your head/kidnap me back to Europe -- you still have one more chance. Actually, several. First you will visit her in the Salon and be humiliated several times. Then you will go to the ball after she already said you can't come to the ball, and that will also be humiliating."
Blair: "And but then I still have a hope of getting like one thing I actually want, right?"
Louis: "No, not really."
Blair: "This sounds workable."

PRADA

Serena: "Blair, thanks for the update so I can figure out another way to fuck you over!"
Eric: "Serena, you're making a face like you're suddenly a bitch."
Serena: "Girl, you have no idea."
Eric: "Serena, it's not like Blair is sane. She will bring this plane down nose-first regardless of what you do. And secondly, the only person whose schemes ever work out on this show is Blair. When you do it, we all get worried you're going to get a hernia."
Serena: "Look, I'm going to get ADD about this plan in about five seconds anyway, so let me have my fun."

Eric: "Okay. I'm just saying, I got Jenny thrown out of our house almost entirely by making the judgmental face I'm giving you now. How do you think you'd enjoy 'Hudson'?"
Serena: "She's never coming back, is she? All that talk about how Hudson is a farm with lots of space for her to run around in, and all the sewing machines for her to play with..."
Eric: "Oh, Serena."
Serena: "Good thing we got Cousin Peepers."
Eric: "That was my idea. Sometimes it's best to get a new puppy right away when this happens."

SO BORING

Nate: "[Some kind of sport or something.]"
Raina: "Do you realize how boring you have to be before I get bored? You could literally be just saying numbers at me and I would be interested, but this. This is too much."
Nate: "It's just because I don't want to talk about your blowed-up mom and the secret information I have about her whereabouts that I'm not supposed to tell you."
Raina: "Um, what? Back up."
Nate: "...Oh shit."

PRADA

Rufus: (Looking like the world's saddest dildo in a sparkling-clean leather jacket and the newest AirWares available.)
Dan & Eric: "As a couple of plaid-loving brother-dudes, we know fashion. And that is not it, girlfriend."
Rufus: "I just want to impress everybody with how cool I am."
Dan & Eric: "Let that statement echo around inside your brain for a while until you discern the logical flaw in what you just said."

!KRAZYTOWN

Vanessa: "Cousin Peepers, hi. I don't know if you're aware, but I'm the crazy bitch around here."
Charlie: "Oh yeah, I figured I'd run into you. Here in the Stalking Dan Humphrey section of this bookstore where you endlessly lurk."
Vanessa: "I'm going to help you snag him, because they finally take my character out behind the barn once and for all."
Charlie: "Bullshit. Why?"
Vanessa: "It's not so much about having him anymore, because he's just really mean to me now all the time, and frankly I've been feeling funny since we fucked that movie star together. But I still don't want Serena or Blair to have him."
Charlie: "Fine, you can help me snag my cousin. But then what?"
Vanessa: "I am either going to move to Portland and change my name to cunt., or I am going to become an undercover narcotics agent for the DEA. Whatever allows me to spy and judge people the most without ever showering, or washing this mess up here."
Charlie: "...And you're doing this because?"
Vanessa: "Because I am the Worst, Charlotte Rhodes. I am the Living Worst."

SALON

(The monarchy is old-fashioned, outdated, idiotic; Blair can almost taste it.)

Princess Sophie: "Thanks to having already made up my mind about you three times, and then also this dossier a blonde person gave me -- which seems to be mostly printed-out pages from the blog of a non-native English speaker -- I am going to say no again."
Blair: "Thing is, I've been famous since I was fourteen, specifically because of making the mistakes we all make at that age."
Sophie: "You invite people to the opera at the wrong time, you drove Jenny Humphrey to just lunacy, you had a pregnancy scare, you dated a stepmother-fucking British Lord with a funny accent, and then you were sold for a hotel."
Blair, verbatim, and thanks for playing, but oh girl no: "I can be the Grace Kelly!"

EMPIRE

(Private Investigator Andrew shows up and you think to yourself, "He's going to be like, 'I just found this random clue in my stuff or my car or something,'" and then that is exactly what happens.)

Dear Bart Bass. It has been nice cheating on my husband Russell with you, but now I'm afraid that I have to go back to him. We have a strange robot daughter that we assembled out of parts, and I want to watch that robot grow into the strong young robot I know she can be. Please do not blow me up. Love, Avery Thorpe.

Nate: "Hey, chum. Why so glum?"
Chuck: "I have to drink all the liquor and fuck all the people."
Nate: "You seem a little crazed right now."
Chuck: "Bart was screwing around with Avery and she dumped him right before he blew her up."
Nate: "I fail to see how this relates to me."

CHEZ WALDORF

Dorota: "[Fairly awesome primer on specificities of royal etiquette.]"
Blair: "I cannot wait to take all of this information and then use my total lack of social skills to cause problems for myself!"
Louis, verbatim, appearing with a dress: "In this fairy tale, I'd like to play both Prince and Fairy Godfather. For tonight. But even if you wore a sack, you'd be the most enchanting one there."
Blair: (Having confirmed that Louis Grimaldi is at least as gay as her father, she commits fully to this whole giant lie.)

PRADA

Dan: "Oh, crap. Hi, Cousin Peepers."
Charlie: "I love pierogies and plaid and being mean to Vanessa Abrams and pretending to be poor and growing out my muttonchop sideburns. What else do you like so I can like it."
Dan: "Peeps, we need to talk."
Charlie: "Oh shit, have you discovered my secret crush on you?"
Dan: "No, I'm kind of oblivious. But Rufus figured it out."
Charlie: "So, what do you say to a little kissin'-cousin action?"
Dan: "I say no way. You have to be way crazier, or else totally not into me. This whole direct, friendly, flirtatious thing would never have worked."
Charlie: "Done. What else?"
Dan: "Can you make dinner for my dad and this hipster band?"
Charlie: "I can make little pizzas! In the toaster oven!"
Dan: "That's appropriately sad, yes."

EMPIRE

Nate: "Raina's Mom Raina's Mom Raina's Mom."
Chuck: "Drop it, Nathaniel."
Nate: "Raina's Mom Raina's Mom Raina's Mom."
Chuck: "No, just lie to her or something. Punch a window near her face, that usually works out in my favor."
Nate: "Raina's Mom Raina's Mom Raina's Mom."

By Jacob Clifton

PRADA

EMPIRE

(Suddenly they are fighting! Open-palm slaps, purple nurples, pulled hair! Heaving breaths! Hurting eyes! Skin as hot as a coal fire! Bodies lithe and powerful as stevedores! Inevitable conclusions! Comforting caresses! DH Laurence! A complicated beast is man!)

Nate, verbatim: "You don't even know how to be in a relationship. Blair's lucky she escaped you!"
Chuck, verbatim: "Leave Blair out of this! No one understands what we have!"
Nate, verbatim: "Yeah, no one understands because it's not normal!"
Chuck: (Still not hearing that mess.)
Nate: "She's probably going to get engaged to Louis tonight anyways. Here, I Google mapped where that is taking place so you know exactly where to go make an ass of yourself."

CHEZ WALDORF

Blair, literally she says this: "We should send out change of address cards, because I'm moving to Cloud Nine!"
Serena: "Wait, you're actually into this? I was kind of working from the assumption that you were using the prince to live out some sick fantasy and/or torture Dan and Chuck."
Blair: "No, I'm totally into this. It's the perfect escape from reality."
Serena: "Those are my most magickest words. I hereby renounce all sabotage and do a complete 180."
Blair: "Will you be my maid of honor?"
Serena: "Sure thing!"

Charlie: "Hey Dan, did I egregiously fuck things up?"
Dan: "You know, you said sad pizzas. When I said enthusiasm was good, I meant it was bad."
Charlie: "Yeah, but then Vanessa told me that I needed to make it rain..."

Dan, awesomely, not unlike Seinfeld saying Newman: "...Vanessa."

PRINCESS BALL

Blair: (Still making a horrific ass of herself.)
Louis & Serena, watching from across the room: "Maybe somehow this will work out?"
Chuck: "That's my cue, bitches!"

Serena: "I can benchpress you. Take your alcoholic bi-curious ass and get out."
Chuck: "Poor me, though!"
Serena: "I feel that, and I love you very much, but this is not how we do."
Chuck: (Literally just walks around her. That's how he gets out of Serena's trap: Confusing her, through the use of lateral movement.)

Chuck: "Hey Blair, fancy meeting you here."
Blair: "Oh, no sir. You get on up out of here right now. I will call you later."
Chuck: "But we need to talk later! I brought a ring! It's for your finger!"
Blair: "You may have urinated yourself, I can't tell. This is a nightmare. Go home."
Chuck: "You are my home! I want to devour you like a beast in a fairytale! Your love will make me a person!"
Blair: "Um, not the last sixteen times. But -- and I can't stress this enough -- right now is a super bad time. Do you see all the royalty everywhere?"
Chuck: "Yeah, I already tried to fingerbang Louis's mom by accident."
Blair: "Fabulous."

THORPE IND.? WHERE DOES RAINA EVEN WORK? I FELL ASLEEP AS YOU WERE TELLING ME WHERE RAINA WORKS, START OVER. IM'A CALL IT THORPEMAPLE FROM NOW ON

Nate: "I finally found you, at one of the two places where you ever are!"
Raina: "Unless you're going to list me some numerals or something else my robot brain will enjoy, get out. Clearly you've decided Chuck's relationship to my mom is more important than mine, which translates to your relationship with Chuck being more important than your relationship with me."
Nate: "None of that is untrue."
Raina: "Then why are you here?"
Nate: "Here comes the word vomit!"

PRINCESS BALL

(Chuck Bass a tsunami of dysfunction, circling the room like he's rounding home, like it's the bases that are loaded and not Chuck Bass, Chuck Bass giving Blair the goon hand, Chuck Bass getting more and more frightening and grody.)

By Jacob Clifton

THORPE IND.? WHERE DOES RAINA EVEN WORK? I FELL ASLEEP AS YOU WERE TELLING ME WHERE RAINA WORKS, START OVER. IM'A CALL IT THORPEMAPLE FROM NOW ON

PRINCESS BALL

Sophie: "Sécurité!"
Chuck: "Tell your Prince where your heart truly lies! Tell him!"
Blair: "Oh my God, I was already fucking this up so well on my own. Princess Sophie, I'm sorry about my trashy friends."
Sophie: (Pretty sure she orders the assassination of both of them at this time.)

CHEZ WALDORF

Blair, verbatim: "In all my years of public humiliation -- which, let's face it, are many -- that was the absolute worst... And who can blame her? I should have known my past with Chuck would come back to haunt me."

Serena, fucking it right up: "You're probably gonna hate me for saying this, but as drunk and inappropriate as Chuck was, I still felt a little bad for him... I don't know, I guess I just always thought your prince was right here, with his Empire, in Manhattan..."

By Jacob Clifton

Blair: Takes this... Poorly.

Serena: "I'm not taking his side, clearly tonight was a performance worthy of Santorini Serena, but he's clearly out of his blooming onion right now, and as my brother I think it's a little ridiculous that you've suddenly decided to pull out of the mutual obsession thing you two have going."

Blair: "Fuck you! My obsession tactic is obsessing on any- and everything else, you know that. And I know you printed out those pages from Gossip Girl and sent them to Princess Sophie in that weird folder. I thought it was because of the Dan thing, but maybe you've been a secret agent for Chuck this whole time."
Serena: "Give me a fucking break. Like I can even conceptualize being a double agent. When are you going to get it through your head that I can tell at most three lies in a row before I get bored? I am really, really sorry. Please don't pretend there's a Team Blair and a Team Chuck, when we both know I'm Team Serena. And can barely spell even that."

Blair: "First of all, I actually do like Louis a lot, and it pisses me off that you don't respect that. To have that magical experience in Paris and then the story actually continues? That's a once-in-a-lifetime deal. Second of all, I gave myself to the darkness of Chuck for like two seasons, so even just the idea of love being something other than a dank mystery cave full of dicks and weird hate-sex is new to me. And third of all, this is about you and Dan, and you think that just because you fell in endgame shipper love in junior year, please don't hold me to that same pathetic standard. Some of us are grownups here."

Louis: Overhears things almost as often as Abrams, lately.

RAINA'S MOM RAINA'S MOM RAINA'S MOM

Raina: "[Lots of talking.] ...In summation, I am now a supervillain and you are my whore. We are going to destroy Chuck Bass for hazy, unclear reasons having to do with my mom or something."
Nate: "Hmm? I wasn't listening. Sure, whatever."

DUMBO

Peepers: "...And that's how Vanessa ruined my chance to make sad bachelor pizza."
Dan: "Humiliation while trying to win my approval? Check. Falling victim to UES schemery? Check. Tainted enough to screw but still innocent enough that I can be disappointed in you later? Check, and that's a very important one. You gotta leave a little wiggle room. Totally wanting to bone you since you showed up, making this inevitable? Check. Yes, you are officially my new fetish object."

By Jacob Clifton

Charlie: "Sometimes when you're not home I sneak into the loft and put on your clothes and talk to myself in the mirror like we're on a date and then I pretend to be myself, giving you a handjob, and then I pretend to be you, spanking me for being so naughty. Then I burn a hobo alive, and thus concludes the ritual. Every time I do it, I can feel you wanting me even harder, as the gossamer veil between our world and Theirs grows ever thinner."
Dan: "What was that?"
Charlie: "I was just trying to think of another !Kung joke and I couldn't think of one. Nothing. Gosh, I'm such a spaz!"
Dan: "I like that about you. Because I am patronizing."

Dan: "Now, let's go beat the shit out of Vanessa Abrams."
Charlie: "You know what, I want to do that on my own. Until we get married you can still testify against me, so it's best you don't know what I do with the remains of my victims after the Dark Ones are satisfied. One day their blood will rain on all of Central Park and we'll have no secrets from each other. And on that day I shall wear your face over my face, like a mask. And through your eye holes, I will see all dreams made real."
Dan: "It's so cute how you have a crush on me!"

CHEZ WALDORF

Blair: "Hey Louis. Sorry my violent ex-boyfriend shit all over everything. It was nice while it lasted."
Louis: "Blair, what part of this are you not getting? Every episode, we are confronted with an insurmountable obstacle to our relationship, and then I say it doesn't matter. Always it is the same thing, and always I say it doesn't matter."

Louis, verbatim: "There's no point in being the head of state if it means I can't follow my heart."

Blair: "I'm still not getting this. Look, are there any more royal people for me to insult?"
Louis: "Oh, there will be. Marry me, Blair Waldorf. In a fake, sad way."

PRADA

Rufus: "Guess who has a new pretend storyline!"
Dan: "Guess who is about to the fleshly vessel for the Dark Ones!"
Eric: "Guess who doesn't give a shit about any of this!"
Lily: (Still upstairs. I love how on this show the pregnancy confinement works exactly the same as the house arrest confinement, the fake cancer confinement, and the stealing a boat in Santorini confinement. You could probably do a whole episode with just two characters onscreen the entire time, considering how much they all spend texting and blasting and tweeting and calling and emailing and whatevering.)

By Jacob Clifton

THE !KILLING FIELDS

Charlie: "Oh, hey Vanessa. Your throat is looking mighty exposed."
Vanessa: "Oh, hey Charlie. How did it go with Dan's penis that I creepily bequeathed you?"
Charlie: "Oh, it went great. It went a little... Like this!"

(Peepers stabs Vanessa Abrams one thousand times in her face and her skin and her body and her brain and her feet and her toes and her fingers and all of her places.)

Vanessa, sashimi: "I deserve every bad thing that ever happens to me, no matter how dreadfulllllllllll..."

EMPIRE

Basically, Blair comes to check on Chuck and to bitch him out for showing up at her Ball and acting like an idiot and a lout. Chuck responds by acting like an idiot and a lout, and Blair leaves. I don't really want to get further into it, because the Doctor Who people have been up my ass for weeks and I can't handle another round of hysteria and hatemail right now. Whatever you think happened in this scene, I'm going to agree with you. It is no skin off my ass. Your crusade is righteous, whatever it happens to be.

Everybody (except Lily, probably): "Chuck has crossed it. We dump him."

THORPEMAPLE

Raina: "Hey, Uncle Jack. I know it's been awhile since you were around, but from what I can tell you seem like a pretty okay guy. Could you fly here to the Upper East Side and help me talk your nephew into committing suicide again? Oh, that's your only hobby? ...Well, besides raping everybody, I mean. No, that sounds perfect! Long as Bass Industries ends up being taken over and my mom isn't dead and this is all some dumb misunderstanding... Perfect, perfect. Ta-ta!"

NOW

Blair: "I dumped Chuck, and now I'm engaged to a prince."
Eleanor: "He sounds gay. And you sound fat."

XOXO.