Blair can't help running to see Chuck every five seconds, especially once Uncle Jack shows up in town. At first, Princess Sophie is suspicious as usual, but once she meets Cyrus Rose at the engagement party, he does his leprechaun magic and flips her around on the whole issue of Blair. Louis gets back his princely due, and Blair couldn't be happier. Of course meanwhile, Louis has met up with Chuck, who gleefully plays it like Blair is creepin' and jeepin', so Louis needs calming down. Blair admits that she has a certain amount of darkness in her, as evidenced by lying to everybody about Chuck's violent episode, but Cyrus talks her into telling Louis absolutely everything.
The whole Raina/Jack thing is pretty much a non-starter, as Uncle Jack pulls a double-cross on Russell and, with Nate's help, convinces Russell to come clean: Avery was planning to leave him for Bart, and the explosion was intended to get Bart and not Avery at all. Chuck chases Russell out of town, Raina dumps her dad forever, and Uncle Jack mostly just runs around being adorable and wacky.
Everybody goes to a big Constance/St. Jude's alumni thing -- Kati! Iz! Those weird S/B clone-children! -- where Blair hopes to fully reconcile with Louis and Serena and Blair have a lovely reunion. Charlie's gotten access to her trust fund, and has decided she no longer needs medication. After consulting a photograph of Serena's Cotillion dress and ponytail, she pulls another switcheroo on Serena, baiting her into attacking Charlie in front of Dan. Serena finally realizes maybe Vanessa isn't just being Vanessa, and they have a meeting at PRADA where Rufus confirms that Charlie is out of her goddamn mind.
Of course, Dan has already figured this out, based on her manic behavior and attempt to get him to fuck her in Headmistress Queller's office, while calling her "Serena." (!!!!) This awesome shit, combined with the fact that Russell has lured Blair away from Louis with another Chuck suicide lie, does not bode well for anybody in week's finale.
week: Russell sets fire to Blair, Georgina shows up, Charlie joins the cast for Season Five, and Jenny and Vanessa both vanish forever into the nightmarish realm of Tim Gunn's disdain.
Dream-Blair's riding around on a little motorscooter with Prince Louis, à la Roman Holiday, and they are cheesy and monochrome for a while, but then he starts turning into Chuck Bass, and before you know it Blair's awake, with the tiniest little cut on her cheek from that time Chuck Bass spousally and sexually assaulted her. Or punched a window, you know, whichever. Whatever you think happened, congratulations: It happened.
EMPIRE
Chuck: "My UES fortunes are so sad right now that I'm going to open a hotel in Brooklyn, because they don't have those there. It will have running water and indoor toilets. They will think I am a wizard."
Nate: "Let's talk about what you're going to call it, even though I'm pissed at you for whatever reason still doesn't make sense, plus how you beat up Blair."
Chuck: "I'm going to call it Charles Place."
Nate: "Isn't that a property in Monopoly?"
Chuck: "I spent my childhood playing hooker with prostitutes and getting molested by my nursemaids. I don't know what Monopoly is."
Nate: "Well, maybe you should read a whole dictionary, to help you understand what I'm about to say."
Chuck: "I really doubt that will be necessary."
Nate: "You no longer have a monopoly on my heart. I am going to stay with Raina. Thanks for letting me and my dad and my girlfriend crash here for so many months while I continually bitched at you and ran around telling everybody your secrets and whining all the time without a storyline other than Homelessly Fucking Your Ex-Girlfriend In Your Home."
Chuck: "Okay well the reason I'm calling it Charles Place is because of the Bass Legacy and how it involves burning up ladies. Thanks for asking, not."
Nate: "Thanks for being such a good friend to my girlfriend, not."
Chuck: "Thanks for being so discrete about the huge secrets of my family, not."
Nate: "Thanks for not beating up Blair. I am gone."
Chuck: "If you leave me now, you can't live here anymore."
Nate: "I know, that's what we just talked about."
BOUDOIR DER WOODSEN
Serena: "Jesus Christ, Vanessa. Stop calling me!"
Vanessa: "You're the one that answered, bitch!"
Serena: "Yup, my bad..."
Vanessa: "Wait, don't hang up! That was my naturally horrible point-scoring tendency talking, not me."
Serena: "The fuck do you want, Abrams."
Vanessa: "I just wanted to complain about how your cousin made me look crazy and bitchy."
Serena: "That is your behavior, yo. It's your behavior doing that."
Vanessa: "No, but she lied and stuff."
Serena: "To fuck with you? Good. Don't call here again. If you do, I'll answer the phone."
DUMBO
Charlie: "I like eating candy for breakfast! Now that my mom is back in Florida and I'm off my meds I can do whatever I want! As long as it's super crazy."
Dan: "Having a crazy person here sticking random things in my mouth takes me back to the days when Georgina and I were raising our Russian baby together. One time she slipped me so much acid I stayed up for three days. There was electricity running all over my brain like a fishnet of electricity and you could see it with all the lights turned off."
Charlie: "I am totally having that same thing right now."
Charlie: "Do you like books? Tell me your favorite book so it can be my favorite book."
Dan: "Actually, Cousin Peepers, why don't you tell me yours first, just for the novelty."
Charlie: "My favorite book is Flowers in the Attic."
Dan: "Really? Because that's like right above Catcher in the Rye, as far as books a crazy person might love."
Charlie: "I know one crazy person that loves your writing! It is me."
Dan: "Does it remind you more of Fitzgerald or Proust?"
Charlie: "It reminds me of poorly disguised fan-fiction that a sad poor nerd from Brooklyn might write about his own life, so I guess more like Updike?"
Dan: "You know how you didn't go to high school with us? I bet you'd really love our black tie alumni fundraiser that is happening tonight. I know I am excited because my years at St. Jude's are so full of happy memories. Mostly Nate punching me, me punching Chuck, everybody taking showers. Lacrosse."
Charlie: "That sounds great, and not at all boring for either of us. Will they have Serena's skin there so I can stretch it over my own skin and walk through a door of flesh into an unearthly paradise of pain and pleasure?"
Dan: "Um, what?"
Charlie: "I said Do you like Sour Patch Kids."
CHEZ WALDORF
Blair: "Cyrus and Eleanor, thanks for putting together this whole pretend engagement party for my pretend engagement."
Eleanor: "As long as you're unhappy I wouldn't miss it."
Blair: "Why is there VitaminWater everywhere? Is Agnes coming to set us on fire?"
Eleanor: "No, it's because [so much talking about some things]."
Blair: "That was like product placement inside product placement inside product placement. I can't tell what is even a real thing and what is a reality augmentation and what is just part of the storyline or for week. Are you incepting me?"
Eleanor: "No, I am judging you."
Eleanor: "Serena! Did Lily get those dresses that I sent over from last year's collection?"
Serena: "No, but I'll ask her how she felt about your latest insult when I see her."
Eleanor: "If you could get a snapshot of her jailbird ass pretending to be excited about last year's clothes, I would love that. Hey, are you coming to the engagement party?"
Blair: "No way, bitch."
Serena: "It's so typical that you would hold me accountable for my behavior long after I've forgotten what I even did."
Blair: "It's so typical that you are acting so typical."
Serena: "How typical of you to forget that I am a ninny."
Eleanor: "This is the kind of shit that makes a woman leave her basket-case daughter in the care of Eastern European criminals and move to France with a goblin."
DEVIL DEN
Raina: "I can tell from your rapey look that you are Uncle Jack."
Jack: "It is my deal that I sleep with everybody my nephew has ever slept with -- which, just think about that for one second if you want to creep way out -- so let's go somewhere and do this thing."
Raina: "No, but you need to help me find proof that Bart exploded my mom."
Jack: "Why?"
Raina: "Because inevitably, this will somehow result in you getting control of Bass Industries."
Nate, appearing: "Are you guys talking about the disposition of Bass Industries? Awesome! There is nothing more fascinating than conversations about that. Feel free to monopolize the conversation about it."
Jack, brightening: "Now I can sleep with two people my nephew has fucked. This is going to be a really rewarding trip. Get over here, you guys."
PRADA
Charlie: "Hey Rufus! I'm the only character on this show desperate enough to pretend to be interested in your new hipster job."
Rufus: "Hey Peepers! I'm the only character lonely and nosy enough to ask if you're taking your meds. So I bought them and brought them here and I want to watch you swallow them."
Charlie: "You are not my supervisor!"
Rufus: "I kind of am. Do you not remember what happened last time?"
Charlie: "Bits and pieces. Flashes. Cut-up faces. Screaming in a thunderstorm. Mud under my fingernails. Snakes twining around trees. Pushed a guy in a ravine. I listened to the Sundays a lot that semester."
Rufus: "Sure. Anyway, please don't stop taking your meds and kill any of my kids."
Charlie: "Not even Jenny?"
Rufus: "That name is unfamiliar to me. Now eat these pills."
THE FRENCH NEGATION
Princess Sophie: "New York sucks. The weather sucks. The sky sucks. The angular architecture sucks. Back at Gormenghast everything is curvy."
Blair: "Let's look at more sucky New York things until you spontaneously love me."
Louis: "Mom, please stop being awful."
Blair: "Princess Sophie, I'm sorry Chuck got weird at Princessapalooza. And also all of my other friends. And that I'm generally a mess. I promise to be better from now on."
Princess Sophie: "Sure, why not. I can't wait to piss all over your family's engagement party tonight."
Blair: "If you'll excuse me, I see Chuck's uncle standing over there and I have to run immediately to Chuck and act all suspicious."
Princess Sophie: "That girl is like a dog with a bone. Listen, now that she's left us alone for five seconds, I need to tell you that I'm having her followed and that she went to see Chuck last night and he broke a window."
Gossip Girl, verbatim: "Let's hope the only thing B has in common with Marie Antoinette is impeccable taste, or she just might lose her head before she gets her crown..."
What.
Serena: "Too bad you'll miss the Constance Billard fundraiser since Lily's 'upstairs' these days."
Charlie: "Oh, I'm going with Dan. I hope that's okay."
Serena: "Whatever, I hate Dan."
Charlie: "Cool. Can I borrow a dress? And your perfume? And cut your hair off while you are sleeping and fashion it into a wig that I can wear over my own hair?"
Serena: "Why don't you have money? Let's call CeCe and get her to give you some money just to spite your mom. Trust me, it is her favorite thing."
Charlie, verbatim: "You're like my fairy godcousin!"
CHARLES PLACE
Chuck: "Blair, I'm so glad you didn't let a little thing like me chasing you through the halls with a sledgehammer keep you from realizing that we are meant to be together."
Blair: "Don't be gross. I'm not going to let you hit me, I'm just here to tell you Uncle Jack is in town."
Chuck: "Frankly I'm more upset about your engagement."
Blair: "Gross, Chuck. Only one of those things is real. Focus."
THORPE ENT. OR WHATEVER
Russell: "I hope leaving town for the sixth time in as many episodes tells you that I'm serious now that I'm back in town."
Jack: "Raina, Nate and I have a big dumb plan. Let me tell you what it is."
Russell: "My estranged daughter, her gay pet raccoon, and a weirdo I've barely met before have a plan? I am in."
Jack, verbatim: "My nephew is at the edge of a cliff, again. Nothing turns him upside down like losing Blair Waldorf. All he needs is a push, and I'll have the men in lab coats waiting to catch him when he falls."
Russell: "Okay. Just one thing. There's a very important clue that changes everything and Chuck doesn't even know that he has it. Since we're such good friends suddenly, asking for that isn't going to set any wheels turning, is it?"
Jack: "No, of course not. I will make sure you have a key to his vault of mysterious shit back at the Empire Hotel where everybody lives. My interest is unpiqued beyond that."
PRADA
Charlie: "CeCe gave me so much money! I spent it all on crazy!"
Serena: "Because all I have are White People Problems all the time I can't even tell that you're crazy."
Charlie: "You can see the whites of my eyes all the way around and my pupils are pinpricks in a balloon of crazy, Serena."
Serena: "Whatever. I have to go brush my hair or something."
Pills: "Please take us! We help you discern reality from fantasy! "
Charlie: "...And that's enough of you."
Pills: "Oh no! Not the empty wastebasket in the living room that nobody ever uses! How will anybody ever find us?"
Gossip Girl, verbatim once again: "I don't think that's what the doctor had in mind when he said Use As Directed!"
Gossip Girl: Needs her meds her own damn self.
CHEZ WALDORF
Penelope: "[Bitchy.]"
Cyrus: "Did you know that Princess Sophie is an avid ornithologist, just like me?"
Eleanor: "[Bitchy.]"
Princess Sophie, entering: "I am unimpressed."
Cyrus: "I am a capering goblin! Hug me! Love me!"
Blair: "Where's Louis? I hope he didn't find out about me constantly visiting Chuck all over the five boroughs."
Eleanor, awesomely and verbatim: "Princess Sophie, welcome to our tasteful and appropriate home."
Princess Sophie: "Nice! I'm glad at least one person understands what a fucking debacle this already is."
CHARLES PLACE
Chuck: "Ah, Prince Louis. I have just enough time to be a dick to you."
Louis: "I really wish you wouldn't. Hey, how come Blair is constantly visiting you? And why does your hand look like you put it through a window or her face?"
Chuck: "Because we are in love and she is lying to you."
Louis: "There are levels on which this story makes very little sense."
PRADA
Rufus: "Why are you here and not at Blair's engagement party?"
Serena: "Why are you talking to me like we're friends?"
Rufus: "Look, I know Blair is a heathen monster. But she is your only friend."
Serena: "Your fatherly wisdom has been, like, so lacking. You're right."
Rufus: "She might have trouble saying it, two out of three episodes, but she loves you as much as she loves anybody."
Serena: "Also, she is my only friend."
Serena: "Oh, hey Charlie. I was just coming into your room that used to be my room so I could go through your closets full of my clothes."
Charlie: "How should I wear my hair and do your feet hurt after wearing heels all night and does Dan dance and do you prefer lipstick or lip gloss? I'm totally manic right now!"
Serena: "I've never revved up past like mild interest, so I don't recognize the signs of that either. What I can tell you is that lipstick lasts longer, but gloss is more fun."
Charlie: "What the fuck does that even mean?"
Serena: "Dan loves to dance, but he's terrible at it, so no laughing, and your feet won't hurt as long as you have just the right amount of champagne, which will help you be yourself."
Charlie: "Drinking away your pain helps you be yourself?"
Serena: "As far as I know. It's kinda my whole thing."
Charlie: "What's this picture of you kissing Dan on your nightstand?"
Serena: "That's from Cotillion. It's the one date we ever had where nobody died or got fake cancer or committed suicide or got raped by Chuck. It was magical."
Charlie: "Cool. I'm going to wear this same dress and do my hair just like this and become totally insane now and put lipstick all around my mouth."
Serena: "The look is only complete if you wear a shit-ton of black mascara and then cry it down your face while talking about murder."
Charlie: "Done."
CHEZ WALDORF
Princess Sophie: "While all of that was going on, Cyrus and I have totally hit it off, and now I am going to give you permission to officially come out with your royal engagement at the Constance fundraiser. Also, he is once again royalty because I say so."
Louis, arriving with trepidation: "I have questions."
Princess Sophie: "Why do you have a tiny cut on your cheek?"
Blair, awesomely: "Oh, uh... It's true what they say about diamonds. They cut not only glass, but porcelain as well."
Princess: "Who talks like this?"
Cyrus: "Let us all raise a glass to the newly reinstated prince and princess-to-be. May your lives be as full of love as the skies are of birds!"
Everybody: "Who talks like this?"
CHARLES PLACE
Chuck: "Fuck off, Jack. I am drunk as shit and ready to fight."
Jack: "Tell it to the men in the white coats, Nephew."
Men In White Coats: "We are literal!"
Chuck: "I refuse to go to rehab! No, no, no!"
Everybody: Punches everybody else.
Nate: "Girl, it's for the best. Don't let substance abuse monopolize your life."
Chuck: "Fine! Don't wrinkle my suit!"
Jack: "Now that they're gone, Russell, take whatever you want."
Russell: "I am apparently Batman and snuck into the back of this scene undetected. Now, to the vault of mysterious things!"
THE PRINCESS DIARIES II: A ROYAL ENGAGEMENT
Serena: "Hey, Blair! Long time no see, huh?"
Blair: "Um, I really don't have time for your amnesiac ass right now. Why don't you go sabotage somebody else's ascension to the throne? I have to go lie to Louis about some things needlessly."
Serena: "B, all I have ever wanted for you is true love. I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize that, and also that you are truly in love with Prince Louis, which is patently and obviously a 30/70 proposition at best."
Blair: "It would be sort of hypocritical of me to hold one instance of Blair behavior against you. I fucked over six people on the way here for this party. Hugs?"
Gossip Girl: "Spotted: A lush headed for lockdown. Let's hope this Bass can survive on dry land..."
Blair: "Poor Chuck, going to rehab like that."
Serena: "No, fuck it. Tonight is your night. Now, go upstairs and have a weird moment with Louis. I have to get into shit with like ten people at this party."
Serena & Dan: Awkward, kind of hateful; it is delicious.
UPSTAIRSDORF
Blair: "Sorry it took so long getting upstairs, but I had to forgive Serena for stuff she already forgot she did, and then I had to go visit Chuck six times on the way up here."
Louis: "That's kind of the deal. I wanted to talk about that, the whole Chuck thing."
Blair: "I only did it twice. Once to tell him we were engaged, so he could beat me up and throw me out of a window, and then again to tell him that Uncle Jack is here. In case he needed to use me as human collateral again."
Louis: "Sure, but why didn't you tell me?"
Blair: "Sunshine, creeping is not even second nature to me. It is actual nature to me."
Louis: "I saw his hand. I know he broke a window several feet from your head. I somehow connected those dots, just like Nate Archibald, even though nobody else has. Why are you lying about your tiny little cut on your face?"
Blair: "Because I am ashamed, as women so often are when spousal abuse happens."
Louis: "I can't tell whether the show is actually playing this storyline that way, or just kind of making a mockery of the whole thing."
Blair: "Look. Please don't assume that you have insight or entrée into our specific relationship. You're just using my experiences to construct a heroic narrative for yourself, which infantilizes me and rests on the argument that I'm a victim, which honestly is my call and nobody else's."
Louis: "But if I don't ignore years of previously established nuance, character and continuity in order to project my sheltered histrionics onto your relationship, what will I be outraged about on the internet?"
Blair: "I am positive you'll think of something."
Louis: "For some reason I want you to verbalize all the ways you are crazy right now."
Blair, verbatim: "Maybe if we don't talk about them, we'll just go away?"
Louis, counterintuitively kissing her right now: "Well, in the meantime if you don't spontaneously heal your actual problems and decide to let me in on the darker parts of yourself by the time I get downstairs, I will ultimatum you."
Blair, wearing this unholy, metallic-beaded, Marabou Stork Nightmare: "That sounds reasonable to me. Look at what I am wearing."
KILLSWITCH ENGAGEMENT PARTY
Dan: "Hey, where's Charlie?"
Serena: "I don't give a hump."
Charlie: Appears wearing Serena's Cotillion dress, Serena's perfume, Serena's ponytail; the elevator doors open on her checking her makeup in such a way that she's staking out the party from behind her back, because she is unnecessarily and wonderfully bonkers.
Serena, troubled by the wrong details: "That's my dress!"
EMPIRE
Russell: "Hey, that was so fun how we screwed... Bwuh?"
Chuck: "Apparently the whole rehab thing and sneaking you into Charles Place and getting you the key to the Empire and the White Coats and the whole thing was one big lie or something."
Jack: "Yeah, the details aren't really that interesting. But now we know what it was that you wanted so bad out of my nephew. I have given up acting in character from here on out, and will instead be charming and wimpy like everybody else on this show."
Shortly: It was Russell that barricaded the building, set the fire, blew up Avery. Thank God we now have more information about that night. I wonder if there's still more to tell? I certainly hope so.
JEEPERS, PEEPERS!
Dan: "Let's drink a whole lot before Constance, like Serena suggested. Unless that's counterindicated by your crazy pills."
Serena: "My dress is counterindicated by your relatively flat chest! My fist is counterindicated by your face!"
Dan: "Serena, what is the meaning of this?"
Serena: "She is wearing my dress!"
Charlie: "No, I'm not."
This argument goes on forever and ever, until finally S loses her damn mind.
Serena: "You are not leaving here in that. TAKE IT OFF!"
Charlie: Obligingly starts to strip down, in the middle of this black-tie event, which somehow makes Serena look like the crazy one. They bounce.
Serena: "This is just like what Vanessa told me. I wonder if there's a connection."
EMPIRE
Jack, bored of interrogating Russell: "Can we just call the cops? I'm hungry, and all you seem to have are olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms."
The Deal: Is that the Dear Bart letter was actually a Dear Russell letter, and Russell thought that he was blowing up Bart and his wife would come back to him, instead of blowing up his wife so that he would be lonely and sad.
Jack: "Unless we're close to the end of this sob story, I'm gonna order room service, okay?"
We: Will apparently never be close to the end of this sob story.
So Then: Bart and Russell agreed to cover up the murder if Russell left town, because he felt bad about having cheated his girlfriend into getting murdered.
Jack: "I can't choose my entrée with Hallmark Hall Of Fame playing in the background. I'm calling the cops."
Chuck: "No, instead of calling the cops we will just let Russell go. I am sure he won't kill anybody else or burn down any more hotels. That seems really unlikely."
Russell, and this is important: "If Raina ever found out, I don't know what I'd do. "
ALONEDORF
Cyrus: "Blair, eat this blintz."
Blair: "No, I'm freaking out."
Cyrus, very much unnecessarily but enjoyable for some I suppose: "You're returning to your alma mater as the princess bride-to-be. You and Louis are practically giddy about each other!"
Blair, unaware of how close she just came to recognizing her own fictional nature: "No, because of how I am on the inside."
Cyrus: "You mean totally awesome?"
Blair: "You may not be aware of this, but it's not all light and bright in here. There are some places devoid of even a hint of sparkle."
Cyrus: "Louis will love those too, one would hope."
Blair: "Chuck was the only one who ever did, but he couldn't see the rest."
What: On Earth is Dan's part in this new dichotomy she's defined for herself? The people need to know.
Blair: "Louis says he wants it all, but ugh, what kind of a princess schemes and plays sex games and dreams herself into old Hollywood movies?"
Cyrus: "I was comfortable until you said sex games. Anyway, if you're marrying a person you should actually know them, like, not put on a whole play for them. Burlesque is fine for high school and fucking and figuring out the world, but marriage is a way bigger deal than people seem to realize."
Blair: "But what if he hates me?"
Cyrus: "I married your mother. Trust me, the kind of person who would even get within ten yards of a Waldorf Woman knows they're asking for it."
RAINA'S APARTMENT OR WHATEVER
Nate: "Hey, I just did all these tricky things I can't tell you about because then you'll disown your dad for the tenth time and it'll drive him crazy and he'll end up kidnapping Blair Waldorf and setting fire to her just as Georgina Sparks is breezing back into town. Or something."
Raina: "Whatever, Pretty. Jack Bass just reneged on our whole Fuck Chuck plan."
Nate: "Yeah, that's probably for the best."
Raina: "WHAT IS WITH EVERYBODY TODAY."
Nate: "I can't tell you. But I am going to tell you."
Raina: "Tell me what, Nate?"
Nate: "Here comes the word vomit."
CONSTANCE, FINALLY
Rufus: "I better throw these useless photos from my hipster job in the empty wastebasket that... Hey, what's with all these crazy pills?"
Dan: "Hey, is that my dad urgently calling you?"
Charlie: "Nope, whatever."
Gossip Girl, verbatim: "They say love is the best medicine... That is, unless you don't take it!"
Seriously, though. What in the fuck is Gossip Girl talking about.
EMPIRE
Jack: "Okay, the reason I was acting totally out of character in this episode is that I never really believed my shitty brother killed a lady, but also because when other people abuse you it doesn't get me off. So I knew they had to be stopped."
Chuck: "Frankly, that tainted it a little for me too. Being pushed into suicide just isn't the same when it's somebody else doing it."
Jack: "We are so weird."
Jack: "I wish you still had Blair so I could get gross on her too."
Chuck: "I fervently wish for that as well."
They: Get misty sad thoughts. And scary secret boners that explain so, so much.
Chuck: "You'd think my childhood history of sexual abuse would be the main thing I talked about in therapy, or how I'm raping people all the time, but no. It's actually how many people we've both had sex with, sometimes at the same time, and also about how you screwed my one mom and tried to rape the other one, and both times it was really about me. The whole thing with us is really awful if you think about it."
Chuck, verbatim: "On that note, I'm going to cut this reunion short and try to find her before the nice guy actually wins."
Jack, ditto: "I'm counting on you not to defile the Bass name and lose her to a family of titled circus performers."
EN ROUTE TO CONSTANCE
Raina: "Dad, don't even try. We have already had this conversation eleven times, where I tell you not to bother me anymore and you sucker me into an endless awful conversation about my stupid dead mom. No longer. I know that you blew her up."
Russell: "No! I didn't!"
Raina, verbatim: "You're as dead to me as my mother is!"
Russell's marbles: Go flying just everywhere.
PRADA
Serena: "Vanessa, thanks for coming."
Vanessa: "Unless you apologize to me, fuck you."
Serena: "Already this is as fun as I thought it would be."
Vanessa: "Sorry, I'm the worst. It's hard to be me."
Serena: "Charlie framed me like she did you, so now I know you're not a crazy liar."
Vanessa: "I gotta assume it's Blair's fault. Generally girls on this show turn permanently crazy the second Dan kisses them. Think about it."
Serena: "It's Waldorf-level scheming, but Blair's in love with her prince. This was all Charlie."
Rufus: "Wait, you two? Hanging out? I've had this dream."
Serena: "Gross, Rufus."
Vanessa: "Rufus. God, you look good."
Rufus: "I love what you've done with what we're calling your hair."
Serena: "We were just talking about how Cousin Peepers is Blair's black soul in a blonde Serena body and that maybe we're all in trouble and that she is going to kill everybody."
Rufus, holding up the crazy pills: "On a related note, we need to find Cousin Peepers before she kills Dan, the one person all three of us are obsessed with."
CONSTANCE
Dan: "Being in this school where I was regularly ostracized and beat up, strangely, does not make me feel nostalgic."
Kati & Iz: Cameo! They are missed!
Dan: "Technically, it gets better."
Charlie: "Oh, come on. Did you ever have fun in school?"
Dan: "Not once. I was miserable."
Charlie: "Did you never do anything crazy and out of control? Like make out in a teacher's office or something?"
Dan: "No. Well, there was that one instance where I fucked a teacher a bunch of times, but apparently that doesn't count."
Charlie: "So you never boned a crazy girl in Headmistress Queller's office?"
Dan: "...I like this story. Hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me."
Charlie, right when it's getting hot: "Only if you call me Serena."
Dan: "Whoa, what?"
Dan pulls his pants back on with a quickness and gets the fuck on up out of there.
Charlie: "Wait! I didn't get to the part where I call you Blair..."
DOWNSTAIRS
That last part was a lie. Anyway Blair, tormenting her Plastics about her royal engagement, receives a phone call.
Obvious Trap: "Blair, come quick to this roof! Last thing you heard they were trying to make him go to rehab and now he's going to jump!"
Blair: "No no no!"
She hikes up her skirts and goes running around the school.
Blair, verbatim: "Serena's Cousin! Thank God! I just got a call that Chuck needs me. When Louis arrives, will you tell him that I was here and that I'll be back? Whatever you do, don't let him leave!"
Charlie: "Sure, I will totally do that. Or, you know, cut myself and bleed all over the canapés so that everyone here eats a piece of my soul and I will be able to look out through their eyes and become Serena everywhere at once and use their bodies to build an engine of bones that will pierce the thin membrane separating us from the regal bugworld of scratching bright chaos. One or the other."
EVERYWHERE
Serena & Vanessa: "Oh, you mean crazy like, crazy."
Rufus: "Yeah, like Agnes-Georgina-Juliet crazy. Not Lily-Blair-CeCe crazy."
Charlie's Trust Fund: Is finally activated, meaning she can now afford to build the Bone Machine.
Those Two Chromosomal-Looking Mini-GG's: "We were a slightly better Greek chorus than Kati and Iz, but used in the wrong way and for too brief a time to be as fun to see again."
Chuck: "Get out of my way! Mini-S, Mini-B, I have to go beat up the prince and yell at Blair some more!"
Blair: "Hey, I heard that Chuck Bass was going to commit suicide up here, have you seen him?"
Russell: "No. But can I interest you in getting kidnapped and set on fire?"
Blair: "Man, my whole day has been like this."
XOXO.
week: Finale! Georgina! More than likely, Chuck or Dan saves B from getting blown up like Avery! Serena swans around! Charlie screws things up for everybody some more! And Vanessa takes that long walk, finally joining Jenny in the Hudson.
Discuss this episode in the forums, then see which other show's characters should go the way of Jenny and Vanessa!