Blush & Bashful, Or: Game Of Scones

S04E19

Wow, this episode was stellar! While pretty quality this season, the show hasn't been this much fun since that Juliet/Queens two-parter with the masks and Dan and Blair went motoring around the East Coast. Great music, Charlie's fitting right in, twists and turns and surveillance/propaganda/burlesque thematics aplenty, everybody gets a moment in the sun, Dan kicks Vanessa's teeth down her throat. It's all so awesome!

So while Lily's searching a well-known online shopping site for clothes that'll match a house arrest anklet -- and hoping her never-before-seen Newpsie friends will stick by her -- Serena's got Cousin Charlie stalking Dan and Blair to find out if Vanessa's eavesdropping has, as usual, fucked everything up for everybody.

Charlie spots B and Lonelyboy heading into Veselka, but it's not what they think: Prince Louis is media-shy, and Blair knows all the "secret" places from her Dan times -- and Dan's there tailing Louis for some journalism thing (which he immediately shirks). So when S surprises B on her princely date, you think shit is going to hit the fan, but S immediately clears it up. Nevertheless, Charlie stays on the case using Gossip Girl's creepy stalker technology. (And you would too -- Dan looks hot as shit the entire episode.)

Anne Archibald moves the Newpsie party out of Lily's house, in a rare display of bitchery, but with Rufus's not-quite-blessing and Eric's gleeful involvement, Serena uses a previously unmentioned Sapphic indiscretion to blackmail one of the Pink Party's co-chairs to move it back to Lily's house, so she can keep an eye on Blair and Charlie can flirt with Dan. (Serena rules this episode. Actually, everybody does.)

Raina and Nate talk for a hundred years about her exploded mom Avery, then hire a PI. Chuck can't quite manage to tell them how his dad blew her mom up, so after many warnings and misgivings, Chuck accompanies them to Jersey to meet the proposed Avery, who is not her mom after all. Chuck admits the truth to Nate, but surprisingly did not hire the fake mom -- he honestly wanted her to find her mom, aww. Anyway, Chuck's PI seems to think she really is dead, complete with video of her rushing into the burning building or whatever, but you know you can't trust this show.

Prince Louis gets the hammer from his parents, since Blair is not Modern Royalty and he's not supposed to be here, and B assumes that it's Dan's meddling that's gotten his NYC vacation revealed to the world. Blair calls to bitch him out about blowing Louis's spot, but Dan assumes it's about reconnecting with Vanessa, so they meet up again for recriminations and a new plan to keep Louis in town... With Charlie stalking him the whole time. This episode is so fucking good! So the plan is that Dan and Blair will get caught making out at this Pink Party by some French person, and somehow this will solve the problem with Louis.

The French guy spots them, and all is well, but Charlie also got the whole thing on tape. While Blair "admits" she's dating Dan to her Bitches, Serena tells Louis that B lied to him in Paris too, and everything just goes to shit: Dan and Blair try to explain their whole secret relationship to Serena, and it sounds insane even to her -- because of course they are very much in love -- so she dumps them both, and brings the whole Blair Jealousy thing up, so Blair explains that they are friends not to screw Serena, but because Serena is retarded, and they both needed human conversation.

Once Anne doubles down on being mean to Lily, sending her running wild in the streets -- or at least far enough to summon and charm the cops into shutting the party down -- she decides staying in PRADA forever and rotting in Rufus's arms is finally enough for her, so they turn on all the gas jets and settle in.

Meanwhile, Blair manages to convince Louis, herself and the universe that she's in love with him, so he tosses his reputation and royal family to the wind and gets himself photographed kissing her among some really odd atmospheric effects, spurring Serena to call France or whatever and tattle on them.

Charlie goes to DUMBO and explains to Dan that he's in love with Blair, so they talk about that for a while... But awesomely, Charlie out-Vanessas Vanessa by letting him know she was the one that warned S in the first place, so he invites Charlie to hang out and dumps Vanessa for like the eighth time. It feels just as good as the first.

week: Louis's mom comes to town on a mission to murder Blair Waldorf, people propose marriage to other people, Chuck takes a Dr. Jekyll potion, and -- don't you worry -- tons of updates on Raina's whole mom situation.

CHEZ WALDORF

Dorota: "Miss Blair, why you walk around in this one shoe for whole week? You permanently fuck up anterior longitudinal ligaments of spine!"
Blair: "Oh, Dorota. Help me get dressed for my date with Prince Louis! He sent me this shoe and a note. Where is Serena? She can help me dress. I need everybody putting stuff on me at once! Showtime, Synergy!"
Dorota: "Miss Serena reaffirming filial bonds at PRADA during Miss Lily's house arrest in wake of Pyrrhic victory over Russell Thorpe!"

PRADA

Lily: "I am about this fucking close to getting a Snuggie and saying hell with it."
Rufus: "Essentially, that's what I did back in 1997 and let me tell you, it has been smooth sailing ever since."

Serena: "Mommy, look at my Pet Cousin! She ate two linzer tarts! I dressed her up like a Musketeer and then Carmen Miranda! This is way more fulfilling than college!"
Pet Cousin Charlie: "Rrrruff!"

Eric: "IfeelgreatnowthatI'mnotsuckingoffDamienDalgaardfordrugs! Nosleepaidsherenosir! I'mjustgoingwithoutsleepaltogether! Drankthreeespressos! Slappedabarista! What'veyoudonetodaythat'ssofuckinggreat?"
Lily, tipping her box of wine approvingly: "I'm glad to see you've adjusted to life without drug dealers. Self-medication is the Rhodes way."

Lily: "Kids, I'm too drunk to put away the one million tons of shit I supposedly bought off Gilt. Help me clean up before the Newpsies arrive to do gift bags for the Pink Party."
S & E: "Mom, the Newpsies aren't coming over. You're totally a pariah right now."
Lily: "Pretty sure that's not true! Mr. Wine, what do you say?"
Mr. Wine: "You're popular! And fun! You will never die! Shop more on the internet!"

Serena: "Eric, clean mom up. I have to use Pet Cousin as my lieutenant-slash-cannon fodder in a bizarre plot incited by Vanessa Abrams."
Eric: "...Okay, Lil. Arms up."

DUMBO

Rufus: "Thanks for supplying me and my wife with films to watch during our nine-month-long 'date.' I knew you were the one to come to, since you've heard of films."
Dan: "No problem."
Rufus: "Hey, would you like to come live at PRADA for the nine months? It's going to be me and the entire Rhodes Women contingent and I just realized that and I feel a little faint because when Lily gets bored she gets mean and Serena secretly hates me and Eric treats me like his slow friend."
Dan: "Eric treats everybody that way. Not like it's unearned."
Rufus: "Especially in my case. Would you believe I think CBGB's still exists?"

(Dude, that is your theme song, Rufus. That's what they're putting on your tombstone, Rufus. That's what crawls under your name when the local news team interviews you at building fires, or events downtown: RUFUS HUMPHREY -- STILL BELIEVES IN CBGB'S.)

Dan: "Anyway but no, I have to stalk Prince Louis Grimaldi of the Monaco Grimaldis because some magazine in Paris reads the W blog [first of all] and enjoyed my incisive piece on [if you recall, this actually happened] 'How Friends Are Like Accessories' so much that they've hired me to stalk royalty and report back."
Rufus: "There is absolutely nothing suspicious about that."
Dan: "I know. Things just fall in my lap like this all the time. Although I'm a little stressed by how totally skeevy it is for me to go 100% TMZ out of nowhere like this."
Rufus: "Dan, morals and class aren't for us. They're for us to lecture others about, but when it comes down to it, we both know where we came from."
Dan: "Thanks for the talk!"

Rufus: "Hey, are you still in love with Blair? Because I will stab myself in the abdomen."
Dan: "No, you're safe."
Rufus: "Then why don't you get back together with Abrams? I miss her."
Dan: "Because she impersonated Serena, your daughter, in order to help a stalker roofie her and sell her into white slavery, and then sold out Jenny, your other daughter, for no reason, by lying to us in our literal faces. She actually did evil things, this time, like, Georgina shit."
Rufus: "Yeah, but I miss her."
Dan: "Fine. As long as we're clear that you don't care what she did to your daughters."
Rufus: "I think we both know the answer to that one."

CHEZ WALDORF

Dorota: "This outfit acceptable for Prince."
Blair: "That outfit says I'm a whore."
Dorota: "It come from your closet, Miss Blair."
Blair: (Scratches at her chambermaid's face until bloody.)

Louis: "[Basic French vocab.]"
Blair: "[Basic French vocab.]"
Louis: "[Basic French vocab.]"
Louis: "Remember that nonsense you told me in France about how you didn't want to be with that guy but how also you needed to come back to NYC so you could be with that guy?"
Blair: "The one with the limp and the baguette? Yeah, he nearly married a prostitute and now his roommate is sleeping with his girlfriend, whose mother he blew up. I'm sort of taking a break from that whole mess."
Louis: "Oh, good! I'll take what I can get. I was raised with low self-esteem and zero sense of entitlement, like most royalty."

Blair: "So let's show your hot ass off! Come on over here and I'll take you everywhere and you'll be in all the tabloids, it'll be awesome."
Louis: "Can we take it easy? I'm kind of embarrassed to be seen with you."
Blair: "Coincidentally I have just acquired the precise skillset we'll need for that kind of date."

Louis: "[Basic French vocab.]"
Blair: "[Basic French vocab.]"

Plastics, appearing: "What is it now?"
Dorota: "Miss Blair has date with roy..."
Blair: "-- Rogers! I mean Lichtenstein! I mean it's a secret! I mean no date! What date? None, that's what! Get out! Put all of your jewelry on my body and get out! Showtime, Synergy! Showtime!"

(Blair runs around in tighter and tighter circles until finally just propelling herself through the ceiling and into the spare upstairs atelier, where she is knocked briefly unconscious.)

Penelope: "Um, fuck that. Dear Gossip Girl, please figure out who Blair is dating so we can tell everybody and ruin her shit."

PRADA

Serena: "Okay, let's figure out who Blair is dating."
Charlie: "So we can tell everybody and ruin her shit?"
Serena: "No, because if it's Dan I'm going Kalinda on her ass."
Charlie: "Isn't Vanessa the enemy?"
Serena: "I am my own enemy."
Charlie: "But why can't we just ask them?"
Serena, verbatim and truer words were never spoken on this show: "Well, because if Vanessa is lying and it isn't true, then I'm a horrible friend for believing her, but if it is true, then they're horrible friends for not telling me."
Charlie: "Each time you explain this stuff to me I become more evil."

Charlie: "Okay, I have a hit on this internet thingy. It says they went driving around the coast in adorable outfits together."
Serena: "No, that's just because I had been roofied and sold into white slavery by a stalker, and they were magically told where to find the drug dealer my brother was fucking so they could talk to her mom about it."
Charlie: "Because sure. Okay, what about going to the movies together?"
Serena: "No, that was a coincidence each time they did that."
Charlie: "I'm beginning to see why this kind of thing is so challenging for you."

Gossip Girl: "Blair Waldorf is having a secret rendezvous somewhere. Question is, with who[m]?"
Serena: "Charlie! Good girl, Charlie! Smell this sweater!"
Charlie: "Rrrruff!"

VESELKA/PRADA

Charlie: "I can't pronounce Veselka!"
Serena: "God, you're the worst. Is Dan there?"
Charlie: "You should come do this yourself."
Serena: "No, because then Gossip Girl would also have me on the Spotted map."
Charlie: "Yeah, this is stupid. Aren't you like a grown-ass woman?"
Serena: "I didn't learn how to use the internet today just for you to sass me. Report."

Blair: "Dan, why are you stalking me here at Veselka?"
Dan: "I'm not, I'm stalking your date!"
Blair: "Well, your presence is confusing! Because we are in love with each other!"
Dan: "I feel super gross about every single thing that is going on right now. Peace."

Charlie: "Okay, he went in there. And now Blair is going in there. And now I've turned my back just as Dan was leaving, so basically I have fucked everything up."
Serena: "I am coming down there. Don't you fucking move."

Gossip Girl, verbatim: "Poor S! Apparently Blair and Dan's boots are made for walking... Right all over you!"

Prince Louis: "Why is the whole show at this place? I thought we were supposed to be alone!"
Blair: "Serena, get the fuck out of here. You're embarrassing me."

Serena: "Charlie, I can't believe you said that was Dan and not the Prince of Monaco. You've embarrassed me."
Charlie: "No, I'm fairly certain I saw what I saw."
Serena: "You have no idea how much of a pass I'm willing to give you on that one, but in this case I was just inside and there was no Dan. The only Serena in this situation is me."
Charlie: "Well, I'm going to continue to meddle about in the affairs of strangers anyway, okay?"
Serena: "I don't care what you do, for you've failed me. Have fun on the NYU campus, if you can manage to Be Places."

EMPIRE

Raina & Nate: (Raina wakes up and immediately fetches Nate some OJ, so that she can run into the shambling mass that was once Chuck, in the house where they all live that belongs to him. Her mom is or is not dead, is named Avery, gave birth at 22, it's fascinating all the facts you can learn about Raina's mom.)

Chuck: (Wanders around moaning and drinking scotch straight out of the bottle.)
Nate, verbatim: "Single malt for breakfast?"
Chuck, ditto: "Takes the edge off the coke."
Raina: (Splits. Bad scene, man!)

Nate: "What is wrong with you all over the place?"
Chuck: "Don't worry about it. Have you ever seen me in a good mood?"
Nate: "...That's when it's time to worry. Gotcha."

SOME STREET

Vanessa: "You have reached Vanessa Abrams. I am being bitchy right off the bat."
Dan: "Sorry I held you accountable for your horrible actions, but I just quit working for TMZ, or possibly the royal family of Monaco, so I have the day free for you to come and grovel."
Vanessa: "You know I'm all about groveling, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to be a huge ass-ache about it."
Dan: "Yeah, I've really missed this."

PRADA

Anne Archibald: "I came by to be horrible in person."
Lily: "Where's the gift bag stuff?"
Anne: "Well, you can't come to the party and we're not doing the gift bags here. Turns out you're second to breast cancer as far as things we're against."
Lily: "Whoa, you're being really intense."
Anne: "Raina and Nate just woke up, and you're already on your second bottle of chardonnay. I think somehow you'll survive."

Eric: "Wherearetheytakingthosescones?"
Mr. Wine: "Everything is going to be okay!"
Rufus: "I think your mom might have unrealistic expectations about her bitch friends."
Eric; possibly in collaboration with Mr. Wine: "The only thing thicker than blood is the ink on Page Six."
Rufus: "Word. I mean wait, what? Why are you talking like Gossip Girl?"
Eric: "I have so much coffee in me that I can literally see around corners and objects."

EMPIRE

Chuck: "Where's that girl that was here?"
Nate: "You scared Raina all the way out of the hotel. You need to stop acting like a mental patient. Or at least put your underwear on correctly and close that robe."
Chuck: "Well, you tell her she needs to stop looking for her mom."
Nate: "If you say so. I'm not really going to question anything you say today, you seem really focused and put together."

Chuck: "Andrew, I need your private investigating skills. You know how Avery Thorpe died in that fire? Could you find out if she died in that fire?"
Andrew: "Keep paying me and I'll find out about this as many times as you want, Drinky Crow."

CHEZ WALDORF

Louis: "[Basic French vocab.]"
Blair: "[Basic French vocab.]"
Louis: "So, bad news first, but um, you're a commoner? So like, even though I hid our relationship in an awkward and insulting fashion, somebody clearly found out that I came to New York to see you, so now they've dispatched some hot dude named Lucien -- my 'royal advisor,' which is apparently a thing -- to come get me, and possibly assassinate you."
Blair, verbatim: "Well, have they have seen Princess Stephanie's husbands? I'm not a circus performer."
Louis: "I'm not saying you're, like, a 'commoner.' I'm just saying you descend from the kind of trash where we could both get murdered just for fraternizing."
Blair: "Kinda wish you'd told me this before we dated."
Louis: "Kinda thought it went without saying."

Blair: "This is clearly your doing."
Dan: "Whatever it is, probably you are right."

PAUL SMITH

Stalker Charlie: (Watches Blair pick out a pink tie so that Dan can be her date to the Pink Party*; her eyes whirl around and around in her head like a scary circus.)

*(...Wait, what? Yeah, get this.)

Blair: "I can't believe you thought some random French magazine called you out of the blue to report on royalty."
Dan: "Blair, things like that happen to me in literally every episode. I no longer question everything, because I know it'll blow up in my face either way."
Blair: "Well, now our cover's blown."
Dan: "Well, I'm sorry I had nothing to do with sabotaging your love life."
Blair: "You will make it up to me through a seriously Byzantine scheme wherein we will pretend to be dating at the Pink Party, and Lucien will show up and see us making out, and realize that Louis wasn't here to visit me, so then he will go away and Louis and I can continue dating."

Dan: "What? Not only does that literally make no sense, but also Serena is going to be at that party, and if she's not there [quote] everyone else in the world [unquote] will be at this party..."
Blair: "Okay, but we still cannot warn Serena, for some weird reason about how awkward it would be to explain we're going to secretly kiss or something."
Dan: "Start making sense, Waldorf."
Blair: "Chuck. Will have us murdered. If we tell anybody. Anything."
Dan: "Done. I will see you at the Pink Party."

PRADA

Serena: "Mom should be watching It's A Wonderful Life, that cheerful movie about a doomed romance that ends in suicide and dystopia."
Eric: "Mom should get cathartic on her ass with The Godfather or Taxi Driver, because one thing Lily Humphrey likes to do is face her darker emotions and impulses. Anybody can tell you that."
Rufus: "Lily should watch Intolerance, because as a closet racist she's a huge DW Griffith fan."
Kids: "Hell are you talking about?"

Rufus: "I tried to use my 'pull' to get the Pink Party moved here to PRADA, but then it turns out that I have no 'pull' and never did except for briefly when I was a Newpsie for about five seconds and went around blithely leaving my scarf at fellow Newpsies' houses while they were giving your mom fake cancer."
Kids: "Wait, you honestly thought you had pull with anybody on the Upper East Side?"
Rufus: "I know. We Humphreys swallow that bitter pill regularly. If only we could move the Pink Party to CBGB's."
Serena: "If only it weren't a John Varvatos boutique. What year do you think it is, Rufus? Who's the president right now? Eric, check his pupils. This could be the big one."

Eric: "How about we blackmail that one Newpsie that grabbed your boob in the Ladies' last year at the Pink Party?"
Serena: "Bubbles Macintosh [not a joke, a real name they said on the show]? I'm not doing that. That was epically bad decision-making on my part, and it ended in yet another coke-fueled threesome wherein I killed a person."
Rufus: "You know, speaking as a self-righteous Humphrey, I'm totally against blackmail..."
Kids: "We know. God."
Rufus: "...Especially since this might also qualify as a hate crime."
Serena: "No, she was a pretty good kisser."
Rufus: "But. Speaking as a huge hypocrite, make the call."

EMPIRE

Raina: "Hey, Chuck! My private investigator found a lead on my mom. She's a waitress in New Jersey."
Chuck: "Can I come with? Having recently gotten my head twisted all the way around by a fake-real-fake-real mom of my own, I am probably the only person in the history of all life on this planet with insight into what you're going through."
Raina: "Well, that's true."
(They both hope, very hard, that this is actually her mom. It's sweet and a little sad. And very fascinating to watch.)
Nate: "Hey, can I come?"

CHEZ WALDORF

Blair: "So you remember the plan? We hide in the butler's pantry, then make out when Louis tells us to. Lucien will catch us, and then..."
Dan: "Waldorf, don't belabor this nonsensical plan. The more you talk about it, the more ridiculous it will appear to the audience. You're hanging a literary earring on a narrative hairy mole right now."
Blair: "Bad news, they just changed the Pink Party to PRADA."
Dan: "I am not making out with you in Lily's butler's pantry. My Dad will be there, and Lily and Eric, and my sister-lover Serena."
Blair: "Then they won't catch us. Come on, what could go wrong with this plan?"
Dan: "Everything. Every detail of this plan will go wrong. Obviously."

Blair, secretly: "Look. I just want a reason to make out with you. How complicated is that? This gives us plausible, even royal, deniability."
Dan, secretly: "That's why I'm going along with it. Plus, I really get off on hurting Serena. That is one thing about me that will never change."

PINK PRADA PARADISE

Olympia Dukakis Lookalike: (Stands awkwardly in the middle of the room, smiling hugely at nobody, then the director waves at her from offscreen and she nods to herself, and then peas-and-carrotses her way across the entire set, crossing in front of Charlie, talking to nobody, very animatedly, and it is totally amazing. She's gotta be somebody's mom or something, that was adorable. Sometimes extras really are the "extra" bit that makes things special.)

Charlie: "That lady off-camera has big earrings! Almost as giant as my giant face!"
Serena: "Her husband fucked the au pair. I don't even know whether that's true, I'm just corrupting you as quickly as possible with the words that come out of my mouth. I'm sort of jaded and weird today."
Charlie: "I noticed. So what do we do when Blair and Dan get here? Run up and just start slapping, or..."
Serena: "No. I have this idea in my head out of nowhere that they're going to sneak off and make out in my mom's butler's pantry."
Charlie: "Well. Sure."

Serena: "See, when you're as slutty as I'm going to turn you, that's the thrill of the romance, the sneaking-around part."
Charlie: "I'll remember that when I'm giving Dan a handy in the butler's pantry about five seconds from now. Do you honestly think I'm this retarded?"
Serena: "Insofar as I've thought about it, yes. Anyway, the plan is for you to catch them in the act and then upload the video to Gossip Girl."
Charlie: "Which proves what, exactly? What is the effect you wish you create?"
Serena: "I'm just sort of winging it. Being a control-freak bitch toward my closest friends is something sort of new for me."
Charlie: "So just your basic chaos and social ruin?"
Serena: "You're learning!"
Charlie: "This place is grosssssss. I loooooove it."

Louis: "Thanks for going to these lengths to... Whatever is the goal here."
Blair: "Listen, it's no skin off my ass. Chances are I'd be making out with Dan at this point regardless, if you hadn't shown up. All Roads Lead To Rome, et cetera."
Louis: "Wait, what?"
Blair: "I mean, I'll suffer through somehow."

Team Lily: (Congratulate themselves on using blackmail and Serena's terrible judgment to force a social coup, as though that won't bite them on the ass in three, two...)
Herd of Pink Newpsie Bitches: (Walk by, Greek-chorusing about how Lily is a criminal who blackmailed the whole group into pretending to be her friends.)
Team Lily: "Oh, we fucked up. We should not have let Serena do this."

Plastics: (Think momentarily that the boy might be this one guy, whom one of the other ones thinks of as her own boyfriend despite the fact that all she did was jack him off at Greenhouse.)
ibid., clearly not scenting danger: "Serena! Do you know who Blair's secret boyfriend is?"
Serena, putting her lengthy training in the PR world to use: "No, but I can't wait to find out, hopefully via visual proof, on Gossip Girl, in about ten minutes."
Blair: "Bitches, back up so I can tell Serena in private. In the middle of this huge party."

Blair: "Charlie, you can stay since we're still not sure if you speak English. Serena, my boyfriend is Prince Louis Grimaldi of Monaco."
Serena: "Then how come you aren't hanging all over him?"
Blair: "Because I'm a commoner, I don't have time to explain it."
Serena: "Oh, look. Dan in a Paul Smith tie. I wonder who bought it for him?"
Blair: "I stopped listening when you said his name. Later!"

Serena: "That bitch."
Charlie: "Wait, but wait. Why are we mad now?"
Serena: "I gave her the chance to say that she brought Dan to the party!"
Charlie: "But she told you that she was dating Louis. Who came to this country to see her. And with whom she was on a date earlier today, like I told you ten times..."
Serena: "-- Hearsay!"

Charlie: "And so but your family lives here. Dan being here isn't proof of anything. Except maybe that he got hungry in DUMBO."
Serena: "You're never gonna get it, are you? Look, go over there and try to fuck Dan."
Charlie: "Wait, again, wait. What?"
Serena: "Go flirt with Dan. My ex-boyfriend, your cousin? My brother? Go see if you can getcha some. Go on and get you a little piece of that."

Charlie: "Even by your twisted rules I don't understand what you're doing right now."
Serena: "I know, I'm outta control! There's a part of me inside my head, watching all of this go down, and it's just sort of in awe? But unable to speak."
Charlie: "That's how I felt when I murdered all of those college kids after becoming obsessed with my freshman roommate."
Serena: "...Wait, what?"
Charlie: "Okay, I'm off! Wish me luck!"

JERSEY

The Wrong Avery Thorpe: "I've never had a child. It's not that I didn't want one, just wasn't in God's plan. I'm so sorry, but I'm not the woman you're looking for."
Raina: "You were right. It was a mistake to look."
Chuck: "I love how black people believe in God. It's so cute. Or maybe it's people in New Jersey. Whichever it is, I am loving it."

Raina: "As far as I'm concerned, my mother is dead."
Chuck: "As far as I'm concerned, your mother is totally dead."

PRADA

By Jacob Clifton

EMPIRE

CHEZ WALDORF

Blair: "This is clearly your doing."
Dan: "Whatever it is, probably you are right."

PAUL SMITH

Stalker Charlie: (Watches Blair pick out a pink tie so that Dan can be her date to the Pink Party*; her eyes whirl around and around in her head like a scary circus.)

*(...Wait, what? Yeah, get this.)

Blair: "That was amazing! Our ruse, I mean."
Dan: "Yeah. Our ruse."

Lucien: "Well, I have no questions. Those two are obviously in love. Or at least making out in front of numerous people."
Louis: "Yes. Their ruse."

Plastics: "WHAT? Dan HUMPHREY?"
Blair, with Lucien watching: "Yeah, you've cracked the code. We're very much in love."
Dan: "It's true, we are."
Gossip Girl: (Blows up everybody's phones.)
Serena: (Pulls a knife.)

Louis: "Hey Serena, you know it's just a gag, right? A ruse?"
Serena: "Sorry to tell you this, but they've been hitting it since Christmas, even before Cornwall. Scant relief is to be had from the fact that this is clearly all about me. But surely there's got to be a way to scorch some earth here... Got it. She was lying to you this whole time, and even lied to you in France."
Louis: "About what?"
Serena: "I'm being vague on purpose so you'll trap her in her own lies!"

MEANWHILE

Mr. Wine: "Lily, it's time to go for a jog!"

EMPIRE

Nate: "That was a bummer over in Jersey, but still less of a bummer than watching you moon around in your housecoat drinking from the bottle and yelling at Dancing With The Stars. Peace."
Chuck: "Wait, I'm finally ready to tell you my big Thing. The reason I don't want Raina looking for Avery is because my dad blew her up. See, that's sad for everybody."
Nate: "Who told you this, Russell? How do you know he's telling the truth?"
Chuck: "You don't look a gift depression in the mouth, Nathaniel. I'm Chuck Bass."

PRADA

Blair: "Serena, that was a fake kiss!"
Serena: "What about the other kiss that Vanessa overheard you talking about at the Modern Royalty photo shoot?"
Blair: "That was also fake, but in a different way where it wasn't fake. It was like making out with my brother. Or any of your other three brothers that you haven't dated!"
Serena: "Even on a Blair scale this is getting nuts."
Blair: "No, I just really wanted to be with Chuck all of a sudden. And then this time when I kissed Dan, I really wanted to be with Louis all of a sudden. Dan Humphrey's magic lips are the catalyst of all major decisions! He's like a sexy Magic Eightball!"

Serena: "Let's focus on what's really important here. Me. Serena van der Woodsen. The person that is not involved in any way with any of this."
Blair: "Okay, we were cheating on you. But only as friends. We were sneaking around being friends, and didn't want you to know, because you're like this."
Dan: "And it's bad news! I always get fucked in these situations!"

Blair: "Kissing him was like the Hanoi Hilton."
Dan: "Kissing her was like Closetland."
Blair: "Kissing him was like an episiotomy."
Dan: "Kissing her was like Rwanda."
Serena, running for the hills: "...I don't know what any of those words mean!"

SERENA THEN JENNY THEN SERENA THEN JENNY (THEN SERENA AGAIN?) AND NOW CHARLIE'S ROOM

Blair: "Okay, S. I admit that I finally understand that Dan is a pretty cool guy."
Serena: "Or is it that you want what's mine all the time?"
Blair: "Oh my God, this again?"
Serena: "This always!"
Blair: "Look, S, Dan and I have a lot in common that neither of us share with you. We can both read, we both understand how to use the internet, we both enunciate our words, and we are able to Be Places."
Serena: (Severe scoffage.)
Blair: "Serena, come on! The last time I tried to make a movie date with you, you stole a boat in Santorini. The last time I tried to meet you at a museum, they found you stealing horses at the Kentucky Derby."
Serena: "And what, Dan doesn't pull shit like that?"

Blair: "Dan doesn't pull shit like that. It's nice to have a friend that I can talk to about... things other than whatever the hell we're always talking about."
Serena: "You realize that you just called me retarded six times in one conversation?"
Blair: "Honey, if the Vivier fits..."
Serena: "And yet now all of a sudden you're calling him epistolary and Barron Hilton and mean names, because why? Because Prince Louis Grimaldi of Monaco just showed up? That kind of makes you a whore, doesn't it?"

Blair: "No, it means I am in total denial about Dan, but I can't say that, so I'm going to scream something totally nuts. You're just jealous because I am going to be a princess!"
Serena, laughing: "Do what?"
Blair: "I will be in the spotlight now!"
Serena: "So you're just gonna shoot the moon and prove me right about this whole situation? Even though I was totally in the wrong until a second ago?"
Blair: "THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT I AM GOING TO DO!"

Serena, to herself: "S-Dubz, I don't know how you pulled that off but it was great. She nearly started drooling!"

DOWNSTAIRS

The Authorities: "Mrs. Humphrey, Mr. Wine, I'm sorry to say this but you're violating the terms of your incarceration."
Mr. Wine: "That is not your concern right now! I am not the droid you are looking for! Go upstairs and shut down that party!"
Lily, verbatim: "Honestly, it's worth risking an orange jumpsuit not to have to face another Botox bitch in a pink cocktail dress."
Mr. Wine: "So get up there and start knocking some heads together!"
The Authorities: "If you say so, Mr. Wine. Mrs. Humphrey, always a pleasure."

PRADA

Blair: "Have you seen Prince Louis?"
Eric, verbatim: "I don't know who that is. Have you seen my mother?"
Lily: (Rides in on a white horse; whipping the peasants with her riding crop; is somehow triumphant despite the fact that this is social suicide from every possible perspective.)
Mr. Wine: "That was a very good start."

LATER

Rufus: "I'm sorry blackmailing that woman for molesting our daughter didn't work out for you."
Lily: "Well, it was sweet of you to try. And honestly, I'm in such denial all the time that I actually needed Anne Archibald to say that shit to my face. Now I know I am all alone and I can officially give up, on every level. Hand me that Snuggie."
Rufus: "Yessss! This is going to be the best nine months of all time!"

Mr. Wine: "Rufus Humphrey is enjoyable company!"

DUMBO

Charlie: "Hey, I followed you here based on the scent of your sweater to apologize for taping you on the orders of my insane cousin. That was a creepster move, so now I have stalked you to Brooklyn to apologize for it."
Dan: "Charlie, I have ninety-nine problems. Don't sweat it."

Charlie: "I think that you are actually in love with Blair Waldorf."
Dan: "Having just met you and been stalked and betrayed by you all day, I just feel comfortable talking to you about my innermost thoughts. I think you might be right about me being in love with Blair Waldorf."
Charlie: "Will you still love her when I have scarred her face to unrecognizability?"
Dan: "Um, what?"
Charlie: "I said, Blame Vanessa. She was the one that told Serena about Kiss #1."
Dan: "Good thing I already stood her up. If I see that girl I am going to be so mean to her. Like always. Hey, I just realized I don't have any friends, or girls in my life, as of today. Do you want to stick around? Maybe go through my stuff, or pretend to be carrying my baby? My experience with girls is somewhat limited."

THE ROYAL FRENCH LIMOUSINE

Louis: "Hey, just so we're on the same page, are you in love with Dan Humphrey!"
Blair: "It was a ruse!"
Louis: "Serena van der Woodsen seemed to think otherwise."
Blair: "Serena van der Woodsen once mistook a hubcap for pants. I wouldn't stress."
Louis: "So even though you've dating two other guys in just a couple of months, both of whom are the love of your life, are you sure I'm the love of your life?"
Blair: "Louis, of all the people in the world that I barely know, you're at the top of the list."
Louis: "Then let us declare our love by kissing for the paps just outside of this limo, while the lights all do some spangly, sort of creepy princessy effect."
Blair: "Showtime, Synergy!"

PRADA (?)

Serena: "Salut, Jean-Michel! It's Serena, remember? That girl that Blair pushed in the fountain in Paris for not flirting at all with the guy whose car you drive, when you're not pretending to be each other? Well, I was just thinking about you and wondering what you're up to, still chauffeuring? Oh, you say you're indentured to the Royal Family of Monaco and could be shot for leaving the compound after curfew? Well, what are the rules for Skyping? I need some kind of information to ruin my friend Blair's life..."

DUMBO

Vanessa: "Hey, Dan. For novelty's sake I used the front door instead of climbing in through the vents or the plumbing or shattering a back window like usual."
Dan: "Good. I wanted to give you a speech."
Vanessa: "Can I just say that actually, my motivation last episode made total sense?"
Dan: "It always does, Abrams. But I reserve the right to spit at you either way."
Vanessa, verbatim: "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I honestly thought something must be very wrong, if you were kissing Blair Waldorf. And since you weren't talking to me, I thought you might listen to Serena."
Dan: "Thus proving that there's literally nothing you could say that would change my mind, because that makes total sense, I will now deliver my mean and oh-so-Dan speech."

Vanessa, I know we've been friends since we were little, and we both like pierogies, and my Dad really misses you, but just to be clear so there's no misunderstanding down the road: We are not friends anymore.

Charlie: "Hey Dan, are you okay?"
Dan: "I am totally fine. Kicking Vanessa around is sort of what we do when we're feeling down."
Charlie: "Are these your hairs in this hairbrush?"
Dan: "Yeah."
Charlie: "And is this the toothbrush you use?"
Dan: "Yeah, how come?"
Charlie: "No reason! I'm just making a little doll with all your hair and anointed with any of your bodily fluids that I can find around the loft or acquire easily, then later on I'll put it on an altar and burn things in front of it, and say little prayers and stuff."
Dan: "Cool, whatever. Wanna watch a pretentious movie? Generally girls realize I'm a bad bet after like three dates or so, so I want to make you watch as many pretentious movies as possible before you realize that's what I'm all about."

Charlie: "That's crazy! I'm all about pretentious movies too!"
Dan: "My favorite is The 400 Blows."
Charlie: "That's crazy! My favorite is that same movie!"

By Jacob Clifton

JERSEY

By Jacob Clifton

Raina: "As far as I'm concerned, my mother is dead."
Chuck: "As far as I'm concerned, your mother is totally dead."

PRADA

Charlie: "My idea of flirting is talking about Alaska!"
Dan: "My idea of flirting back is talking about Werner Herzog narrating my grisly death!"
Charlie: "We are quite a pair!"
Blair: "Get off him, you! This is Dan Humphrey, Serena's ex-boyfriend? Which makes him off-limits to [me], and [I] should know better. Certain people might see [us], misunderstand, and think the two of [us] are here together!"
Charlie: "Curiouser and curiouser."

Dan: "Showtime, Synergy?"
Blair: "You bet that amazing ass."
Dan: "Wait, is this real life?"
Blair: "No, it is burlesque."

Dan: "Would it be weird if I pointed out how rabidly and often you think of reasons for us to make out?"
Blair: "Would it be weird if I snaked my hand down your pants in about a minute?"

DOWNSTAIRS

Lily: "Hi, Anne Archibald! Thanks for moving the party here, and also for not stabbing me repeatedly in the face."
Anne: "The night is young!"
Lily: "Wait, are you saying Mr. Wine and I were wrong and we're not all friends and everything?"
Anne: "When I refused to dump the Captain, nobody was there for me. When I dumped him, seconds after refusing to dump him, everybody was there for me."
Lily: "I don't understand what you are talking about."
Anne: "I am acting wildly out of character. What's to understand?"

Hallucinatory Alex Van Kempen: "Like Anne Archibald, I have finally found my voice! It is awkward and off-putting!"
Hallucinatory Ramona Singer: "Like a chittering spider monkey, I pronounce this Turtle Time! I haven't been sober since 1997!"
Lily Humphrey, blinking and confused: "Who invited you into this house?"
Hallucinatory Alex & Ramona: "You, with your awful behavior. Each of you has invited us, into your homes and into your hearts, with your failure to repent. God is watching you, Newpsies. And He is not having it."

By Jacob Clifton

Mr. Wine: "Things are heading south, my friend! Better drink more of me!"
Lily: "You got it. Showtime, Synergy!"

UPSTAIRS

(The only thing Lily doesn't have is a butler's pantry, so the seven minutes in heaven is relocated to an upstairs wing of the house dedicated entirely to shoe closets and china cabinetry. The space in which thus Dan and Blair find themselves is so spacious and airy that not only do Lucien and Charlie's cameraphone get a front-row seat, but find themselves watching a slow waltz around the room not unlike the end of a Disney princess movie of your choosing.)

LATER

Blair: "That was amazing! Our ruse, I mean."
Dan: "Yeah. Our ruse."

Lucien: "Well, I have no questions. Those two are obviously in love. Or at least making out in front of numerous people."
Louis: "Yes. Their ruse."

MEANWHILE

Mr. Wine: "Lily, it's time to go for a jog!"

EMPIRE

PRADA

By Jacob Clifton

SERENA THEN JENNY THEN SERENA THEN JENNY (THEN SERENA AGAIN?) AND NOW CHARLIE'S ROOM

By Jacob Clifton

Serena, to herself: "S-Dubz, I don't know how you pulled that off but it was great. She nearly started drooling!"

DOWNSTAIRS

PRADA

LATER

By Jacob Clifton

Mr. Wine: "Rufus Humphrey is enjoyable company!"

DUMBO

THE ROYAL FRENCH LIMOUSINE

PRADA (?)

By Jacob Clifton

DUMBO

Charlie: "That's crazy! I'm all about pretentious movies too!"
Dan: "My favorite is The 400 Blows."
Charlie: "That's crazy! My favorite is that same movie!"

EMPIRE

Andrew: "This is not going to be your favorite movie. It's Bart arguing with Avery Thorpe outside that blowed-up building, and then she goes inside, and then he runs away, and then the building blows up, killing at least one security guard..."
Chuck: "Spoilers!"
Andrew: "...And that's the last time anybody heard from Avery Thorpe."
Chuck: "Whew. On any other show that would mean she was certainly dead, but on this show it means she is probably going to be in the episode."
Andrew: "And then somehow she will take over Bass Industries."

By Jacob Clifton

Chuck: "I cannot wait for that very exciting storyline."
Andrew: "I cannot wait to get a callback on that supernatural cop drama so that I don't have to be here for it."
Chuck: "I cannot wait for Nathaniel to come home without Raina. Turns out whiskey dick carries a statute of limitations."
Andrew: "I cannot wait for you to finish watching this video so I can leave. You're making me super uncomfortable."
Chuck: "I'm Chuck Bass."

XOXO.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the cast's best and worst film roles. And see what our vlogger thinks of the show, below!

What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Join the conversation now!