In Which We Give Thanks That New Rachel Is Dead

S04E08

Old Quinn, Old Puck, Gaylord Wiener, Santana Lopez, and Mercedes return to Lima from points elsewhere to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday with their families, which offers Bloaty The Gravy Clown the perfect opportunity to offload some of his coaching responsibilities by pairing the returning graduates with various of The New New Directions for "mentoring," like so: Old Puck with New Puck, Old Quinn with New Quinn, Old Mercedes with New Mercedes, Gaylord Wiener with New Finn, and Santana Lopez with Boring New Idiot Rachel. There's some tedious drama involving the new children, of course -- New Finn and New Puck are still fighting over Boring New Idiot Rachel when everyone knows they'd make a much better couple themselves, and New Quinn's convinced Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel to wolf down laxatives because Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel is a moron -- but the real action comes from Santana and Old Quinn, who throw down in the music room over some still-unresolved issues. It's beautiful.

Meanwhile, over in New York City, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway and St. Gay Of Lima have decided to hold an orphans' holiday for themselves -- supposedly because they're now more than ever determined to establish themselves as fully independent entities in their adopted city, but really because neither can afford to head to Ohio again this year after fucking back off there so many times earlier in the season. The Horrible Hooker graciously invites Dean Geyer over for the evening, because they've agreed to behave like adults regarding the whole Drunk Kate Hudson thing, while St. Gay graciously invites Sarah Jessica Parker, because Sarah Jessica Parker is a pathetic old hag with no friends. The pathetic old hag surprises everyone, however, by arriving with a screaming claque of old-school Lower East Side aggravations she hired for the evening, and a raucous party ensues, during which St. Gay drunk-dials Dreamboat Blaine so they can cry at each other for about thirty minutes.

And in the end, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel ODs on Metamucil and drops dead in the middle of Sectionals. Hooray!

Featuring a medley of Simon And Garfunkel's "Homeward Bound" and this thing by the latest disposable Idol idiot, as performed by Old Quinn, Old Puck, Gaylord Wiener, Santana Lopez, Mercedes, and Old Finn; The Supremes' "Come See About Me," as performed by Old Quinn, Brit-Brit, and Santana Lopez; two pieces of crap I've never heard before and never want to hear again, as performed by The Swallows of Dalton Academy, with solos from Ernst Blofeld and Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual; a medley of "Let's Have A Kiki" by The Scissor Sisters and "Turkey Lurkey Time" from Promises, Promises, as performed by St. Gay Of Lima, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway, Dean Geyer, and Sarah Jessica Parker, with bits of backup from Shangela and Ryan Heffington from RuPaul's Drag Race; yet another medley, this of "Over The River And Through The Wood" and "She'll Be Coming 'Round The Mountain," as performed by The Rosedale Mennonites; and, finally, "a supremely annoying novelty song," as performed by the children of The New New Directions until Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel drops dead in the middle of the song.

Tonight's bleary-eyed episode-opening camera eventually focuses in on a pair of $500 wedges as they make their careful and deliberate way across the artfully lit stage of The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, and look! It's former cripple Quinn Fabray! Back from... wherever the hell she's supposed to be at the moment! Hi, Quinn! The new version of you on this show sucks. Just thought you should know.

In any event, Old Quinn stands in a magically appearing spotlight and growls the first low notes of Simon And Garfunkel's "Homeward Bound" all by her lonesome until Original Recipe Puck emerges from the wings, guitar slung across his torso, to harmonize with her for a bit. Meanwhile, out in the audience, Gaylord Wiener and Santana Lopez stride into a magically appearing spotlight of their own to croon a couple of bars of this thing from the latest thoroughly disposable Idol idiot until Mercedes hustles into yet another magically appearing spotlight on the opposite end of the auditorium, and then Frankenteen lurches onto the stage from points unknown to add his decidedly weak voice to the ensuing medley, and this reunion would be very touching, I'm sure, were it not for the fact that most of these characters never really left the show in the first place. By the way, Bloaty The Gravy Clown is wearing yet another Schuesterian V-neck, which I find oddly amusing -- Finn's clearly attempting to emulate his hero's Nationals-winning ways by emulating his hero's questionable fashion sense, and yet the only apparent quality thus far transmitted by Mr. Schue's inescapable sweater-vests is Mr. Schue's abject dumbassery. Hee.

The six former students eventually end up on the stage together and, after the medley just sort of fizzles out, Old Quinn smiles, "Home for the holidays, just like we promised." Bloaty The Gravy Clown steps forward to mark the occasion with a few heartfelt remarks, but Old Puck shuts that crap down with a quickness for which I will always be grateful, and everyone mashes together for an awkwardly tangled group hug that's soon obliterated by this evening's title card.

By Demian

For whatever reason, the camera goes all bleary-eyed again after it hops on over to The Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High, though it does eventually manage to focus in on the slow-mo form of Boring New Idiot Rachel, the latter of whom's caught up in a wistful little voiceover involving her deepest-held hopes and dreams for the future. Unfortunately, Boring New Idiot Rachel's back to wearing her absolutely hateful newsboy caps, so I'm finding it difficult to listen to anything she has to say. In fact, Boring New Idiot Rachel's stupid hat is so annoying, it's making me far more interested in the potential backstory of that anonymous bitch-faced Cheerio in the neck brace who's roaming the halls in front of our supposed heroine, so I'm going to avert my eyes from the screen for a moment just so I can yank out the voiceover's important bits for you.

Long story short, Boring New Idiot Rachel's always wanted to sing. I know, I know: Shocking revelation, there. She's therefore both excited and nervous about her featured number in the upcoming Sectionals, though she remains worried about her weight, because Boring New Idiot Rachel is still a fucking moron. During all of that, there's a cute little bit wherein Boring New Idiot Rachel excitedly models her Sectionals outfit for her delighted mother, after which she eventually makes her way to the music room, where she finds New Finn and New Puck playing with each other's balls. Oh, I'm sorry -- I meant "practicing their juggling." Which actually doesn't sound any less filthy, now that I think about it.

Anyway, Boring New Idiot Rachel takes a moment to gaze longingly upon the two abnormally cute guys who are currently vying for her dull affections for whatever unexplainable reasons they might have, then sets a steely expression on her face and thinks to herself, "I can't let them down -- the pressure is on, Marley Rose, and it's like Mama always says: Don't fuck it up."

BreadstiX. We enter just as that jolly raconteur Old Puck finishes regaling his fellow returning graduates with yet another of his winningly arch tales of latter-day life in Los Angeles, and after the others' gay peals of merriment finally subside, Old Puck proposes a toast: "To almost all of us keeping our promise to come home for Thanksgiving."

By Demian

The assembled members of The Old New Directions knock their plastic cups of soda together -- no one's managed to snag a fake ID yet, apparently, though several of them could easily pass for forty by now and therefore shouldn't need one -- and the table talk turns to their two conspicuously absent compatriots for a moment until Mercedes asks if Old Quinn's ever gone down to Manhattan for a visit. Referring to Old Idiot Rachel, of course, Old Quinn replies, "She basically e-mails me every other week to remind me that I still haven't used the train ticket that she gave me" -- which: Wrong! -- "but I'm just trying to keep straight As, and I just got tapped to be in the only female secret society at Yale, so..." Santana Lopez shoots Old Quinn a vicious, knowing side-eye at that last bit, but remains silent for now while the others congratulate Old Quinn on her wild successes as of late in New Haven. Bloaty The Gravy Clown then proceeds to crap all over the mood in the room by asking everyone for a favor.

Cut to the McKinley High music room the following afternoon. As Boring New Idiot Rachel shyly flirts with Thing One and Thing Two up there in the cheap seats, Frankenteen staggers to the middle of the floor below to announce, "Standing before you are legends!" Whoops and hollers erupt amongst the children of The New New Directions as Bloaty The Gravy Clown gestures toward his fellow returning graduates, who have arranged themselves rather prettily around the piano, and Santana, Old Quinn, Gaylord Wiener, Old Puck and Mercedes are so carefully color-coordinated in this shot, I almost burst out laughing at the sight of them. Old Finn loudly asserts, "Every single one of these guys could be President of the United States one day." "I don't know about that," Artie murmurs through a tight, fixed smile. Heh. "And lucky for us," Frankenteen blithely continues, "they've agreed to help us."

Long story short, each of the returning Old New Directions will "mentor" one of the bland New New Directions for the week, in the hope that some of The Olds' Nationals-winning ways will rub off on The News. No, don't ask me why Dreamboat Blaine, Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Still Can't Be Bothered To Look Up, Brit-Brit, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, Sugar Motta, Single-T Tina nor Artie couldn't have mentored the bland New New Directions for the week in the hope that some of their Nationals-winning ways would rub off on The News, because I don't have an answer for that. Just know that Bloaty The Gravy Clown pairs The Olds and The News up like so: Old Puck with New Puck, Old Quinn with New Quinn, Old Mercedes with New Mercedes, and Santana and Gaylord with Boring New Idiot Rachel and New Finn, respectively, because Old Idiot Rachel's stuck in New York and Old Finn's too busy foisting his responsibilities off onto others at the moment to mentor anyone, much less his neophyte doppelganger. It's like they're actively trying to piss off the few remaining members of this show's rapidly dwindling audience, isn't it?

ANY-way, the one amusing moment of this scene occurs when New Quinn excitedly burbles over to Old Quinn to exclaim, "You're so funny and self-deprecating -- we're so much alike!" to which Santana simply observes, "Wanky!" I'd make note here of how much I miss Santana this season, I'm sure, but I just checked, and it turns out she's been in every single episode I've recapped thus far this season, so I should probably just shut the hell up at this juncture and see what happens : Bloaty The Gravy Clown confirms that McKinley High will be competing against both The Swallows and "The Rosedale Mennonites" during this year's Sectionals and -- in addition to Boring New Idiot Rachel and Dreamboat Blaine performing a duet -- The New New Directions will be presenting their version of last summer's grotesquely annoying novelty song. No, not that one -- they already violated us with that one back in September. They'll be performing this one. Yeah, there's no way in hell I'm gonna sit through that shit. Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. Sorry!

Perpetual Voice of Reason Santana Lopez objects in her own inimitable manner, but not because the proposed number is an embarrassing piece of crap. No, Santana instead assures "Lumpy" that The New New Directions are doomed to fail because "no one in this room can tackle a massive dance number except for Brit." Frankenteen lurches to his feet to defend his choices, insisting they need "an ambitious number with a strong dance element" to counter The Swallows -- who are well known, after all, for their lewd gyrations -- and he announces that an audition will be held to determine which of the current crop of boys will have the privilege and honor of partnering with Brit-Brit for the competition. Well, more or less -- Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen first offers his services, but he gets shot down almost immediately by just about everyone, so a general audition it is.

Later, out in the hall, New Puck and New Finn start off by chit-chatting about the impending audition -- with New Finn in particular fretting that noted Joffrey danseur Gaylord Wiener will think he's "special needs" the instant New Finn tries to bust a move -- but then New Puck blurts out something tiresome about dating Boring New Idiot Rachel, and I zone out for most of what follows. From what I can gather, however, the two dudelings eventually bro it all out, so let's zip on over to...

...Manhattan to see what's new with The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway and her little gay friend, shall we? The camera finds Old Idiot Rachel in mid-babble, linked arm-in-arm with the ever-suffering St. Gay Of Lima as the two stroll across the plaza in front of The New York Public Library on Fifth Avenue, and after she too-casually mentions she blew her audition for The Glass Menagerie, and after he too-casually mentions he's reapplied for admission to Fake Drama School In New York, they agree that remaining in the city for the Thanksgiving holiday is the right thing to do. Well, that was easy. Also: Commercials.

April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. As this drones along in the background, Bloaty The Gravy Clown, Gaylord Wiener, Artie and Old Puck put the various able-bodied boys of The New New Directions (minus Dreamboat Blaine, for some reason) through their respective paces, and long story short, New Puck intentionally biffs the audition, thereby allowing New Finn to win the Sectionals dance lead.

Meanwhile, back in the music room, Santana, Brit-Brit, and Old Quinn have gathered the various other ladies of The New New Directions for a demonstration of their Nationals-winning style, and as it's really just a thinly veiled excuse for the three to try to recapture the magic of their initial performance all those many years ago, let's skip the chatty preliminaries and get straight to the music, shall we? Excellent.

As she, Brit-Brit, and Santana take their places on the floor, Old Quinn nods at the usually-mute members of The McKinley Jazz Ensemble -- our familiar friend with the floppy hair is back on bass, by the by -- and soon enough, the "unholy trinity" has launched itself into a sweet little precisely choreographed version of "Come See About Me" by The Supremes, with Old Quinn of course taking lead. And while it's fun as hell to watch the three of them prancing around together again, the song has absolutely nothing to do with the episode surrounding it -- unlike, oh, the last time Old Quinn got her Miss Ross on -- so I have nothing to say about it. Like, for real this time.

And when it's over, Santana glances over at Boring New Idiot Rachel and inquires, "Are you feeling okay? You look like you're gonna hurl." Oops. SPOILERS! Boring New Idiot Rachel mumbles some dumb excuse for her listless demeanor as of late and bolts, leaving us free to follow...

...The Quinns out into the hallway, where New Quinn confesses, "I idolize you!" "You're Cheerios royalty!" New Quinn insists, opening her locker to display the Old Quinn shrine she's established therein, including a photo of her idol beneath a small banner that asks, "WWQFD?" "Every day," New Quinn reveals, "I ask myself, 'What would Quinn Fabray do?'" She wouldn't suck as hard as your one-note ass does, that's for goddamn sure. It was a huge mistake -- HUGE -- to pair the old and the new versions of these characters with each other tonight because it's just reminding us how frigging dull the new versions really are. In any event, The Quinns get to gossiping about Boring New Idiot Rachel and the latter's burgeoning relationship with New Puck, with New Quinn swiftly and easily convincing Old Quinn that New Puck's only in it for The Sex, and with that, we head...

...right down the hallway, where Boring New Idiot Rachel and New Puck are currently flirting with each other. Yawn. New Puck admits he intentionally threw the dance audition in order to remain in New Finn's good graces, after which Boring New Idiot Rachel begs off lunch because She's Got An Eating Disorder, and with that, we're off to...

...Fake Drama School In New York, Temporarily Sober Dance Division. Dean Geyer enters to announce that, as Drunk Kate Hudson's currently sleeping off a hangover of truly epic proportions, he will be instructing the freshman class today. He orders everyone to pair up for a foxtrot, deliberately selecting The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway as his own partner after she tosses him some unnecessarily snotty and petulant attitude. She's still pissed off he slept with Drunk Kate Hudson, you see, even though she was supposedly still dating Bloaty The Gravy Clown at the time, and she continues to blow attitude about it directly into his face until he rather magnificently shuts her down like so: "Why do you care who I sleep with? We're not in high school anymore -- we're adults, making adult choices, and you made yourself unavailable. Don't be that crazy girl who expects people to read her mind." Preach! The Horrible Hooker protests that it doesn't take a mind reader to know how much she loathes Drunk Kate Hudson, and she argues that Dean Geyer should have avoided his recent dalliance with her "mortal enemy" based upon that fact alone. Dean Geyer, bless him, quickly realizes this is a debate he'll never, ever win given how batshit insane Old Idiot Rachel so clearly is, so he promises never to bang Drunk Kate Hudson again, the better to preserve whatever friendship he's got going with The Horrible Hooker. Not worth it, Dean Geyer. Oh, so totally not worth it.

In any event, with all that out of the way, the two get to chatting about their holiday plans, and wouldn't you know it? Dean Geyer's stuck in the city all by his lonesome that weekend, too! What are the odds? He offers to head out to my ancestral homeland to cook dinner for The Horrible Hooker and St. Gay Of Lima, supposedly because he knows what a lousy chef she is, but probably to get into her too-tight pants now that she's single again. Old Idiot Rachel eagerly agrees to the plan.

Meanwhile, back in Ohio, Old Puck offers New Puck a brief but sweet bit of relationship advice: "Bros before hos!" Lovely. "It was always my mantra in high school," Old Puck goes on to claim before giving that statement a moment of careful consideration, after which he admits, "Well, it was, after I knocked up my best friend's girlfriend." Atta boy.

And in a cleansing burst of synchronicity, the best friend's girlfriend Old Puck knocked up materializes at that very instant before their very eyes to place a finger on New Puck's cuddly chest and warn, "Back off of [Boring New Idiot Rachel]." New Puck's all, "Excuse me?" so Old Puck steps in to handle the situation, and it goes about as well as one would expect given the fraught history and overladen emotional baggage the two Olds share with each other. Eventually, an exasperated Old Puck blurts, "I think you're being a little out of line, here!" Old Quinn blithely saunters past the two of them, spins on her expensively-shod heel, and strikes a pose to chide, "The only way you're gonna win at Sectionals is if [Boring New Idiot Rachel] is at her best, and if you keep distracting her? She's not going to be." With that, Old Quinn's pumps click-click-click their way into this evening's commercial break.

Mode. Even though he's an unpaid intern who's barely out of high school, St. Gay Of Lima's apparently been entrusted to shut down the office at the end of the day, and he accidentally kills the lights in Sarah Jessica Parker's suite, not realizing of course that she decided to work late that evening. The two get to yakking about various upcoming Christmastime movie releases, and Sarah Jessica Parker stupidly mistakes The Paris Uprising Of 1832 for The French Revolution before St. Gay inquires as to her plans for the impending Thanksgiving holiday. "For the last five years," Sarah Jessica Parker sighs, "I always went to Gore Vidal's for dinner and played Pictionary." And if ever there were a moment for a sideways smear to a wacky flashback on this show, this would be it. Unfortunately, the camera remains trained upon Sarah Jessica Parker's face as she mourns, "But you know Gore passed away this year, so I'll probably just get some turkey pizza from Two Boots and recreate my first Thanksgiving in New York." So, Sarah Jessica Parker's a pathetic old hag with no friends? Gotcha. Naturally, St. Gay Of Lima immediately invites her over to my ancestral homeland for "an orphans' dinner," and while the pathetic old hag with no friends doesn't accept his invitation outright in this scene, it's clear she's giving it serious consideration. That poor woman.

Once that's taken care of, Sarah Jessica Parker makes the grievous mistake of asking St. Gay Of Lima for an update on Dreamboat Blaine, and before he's a full sentence into the endless-seeming rant he proceeds to deliver on the subject, Sarah Jessica Parker looks about as ready to kill herself as I do. Halfway through, she's openly rolling her eyes and loudly sighing with boredom, and it's at this point that I decide I really do like Sarah Jessica Parker after all, so I'm probably going to stop referring to her as a pathetic old hag with no friends. You know, for now. In any event, once St. Gay finally runs out of breath, Sarah Jessica Parker offers him a few words of advice I'll not be bothering to transcribe, and with that, we fly back to...

...the McKinley High music room, where Old Quinn's just now instructing New Quinn to flirt with the Sectionals judges when the time comes, just because. New Quinn gratefully thanks her for the advice and exits just as Santana Lopez enters, and what follows is absolutely delicious. "That bitch is pure evil!" Santana sneers the instant New Quinn has moved out of earshot. "I think she's sweet," Old Quinn protests, all fluttering lashes and beatific smiles and such. "Really?" Santana snorts. "Then why is she giving my girl laxatives?"

Smear sideways to The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, where we find Santana rummaging around in Boring New Idiot Rachel's purse. "Why are you going through my bag?" Boring New Idiot Rachel squeals. "All part of being a mentor," Santana shrugs before confronting Boring New Idiot Rachel with the well-ravaged boxes of cheap off-brand pills Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel has obviously been scarfing down for the last few weeks. "Those are from months ago!" Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel LIES. "I forgot they were even in there!"

Smear back to the present, where Santana confidently asserts, "Pretty Little Liar gave them to her -- I can sense it, thanks to my Psychic Mexican Third Eye." Old Quinn foolishly counters that Santana's merely indulging in a little bit of what her psych professor calls "projecting," claiming, "You're projecting [New Quinn] onto me." Which...doesn't make a whole lot of sense now that I think about it, but whatever. "We've graduated," Old Quinn proceeds to condescend, adding, "It's time we get over this." "Get over what?" Santana demands. "You being jealous of me," Old Quinn stage-whispers, and it. Is. ON!

"And why," Santana ices, "would I be jealous of you? And please don't tell me it's because you're in some lame secret Nazi sorority." Old Quinn replies by smugly mentioning a Jodie Foster clambake she attended back in September -- dirty! -- before bragging about the affair she's currently conducting with that psych professor she mentioned earlier. "He's thirty-five," Old Quinn beams, utterly oblivious, "and he's divorcing his wife, who hasn't touched him for three years." "Twitter update!" Santana bellows. "Quinn is all excited about another guy defining her life!" "And what are you excited about?" Old Quinn acidly retorts. "Shaking pompoms in Kentucky?" she scoffs. "You want everyone to think you're such a badass," she jeers, "but really you're just a scared little girl with low self-esteem who's too frightened to chase her dreams." "Did Professor Patches teach ya that one between quickies on his office couch?" Santana shoots back, never missing a beat. "Does he get so turned on by teen moms who barely visit their kids?" she glints, by now thoroughly enjoying herself. Unfortunately, that's one insult too many for Old Quinn, who promptly slaps the taste out of Santana's mouth. Santana quickly gives back just as good as she got, and they're about to claw each other's eyes out with their exquisitely manicured nails when dear little Brit-Brit stumbles upon the scene to bleat, "What are you guys doing?" "Nothing!" Old Quinn eyebrows after taking a moment to collect herself. "Nothing at all!" And with that, she swans out into the hallway, leaving Santana alone to realize with something more than a mere hint of admiration, "Quinn always was a genius slapper."

Easily the best scene in this entire episode. And I think you can guess why.

April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. New Finn -- who only a week ago was diagnosed as dyslexic -- is trying to memorize the complicated Sectionals choreography by matching the steps up with a printout of the song's transliterated Korean lyrics and oh, my God, I hate this show. "Are you dancing," New Puck asks as he enters from points elsewhere, "or impersonating a horny epileptic?" New Finn blathers about how much trouble he's been having with the complex staging, but I now refuse to listen to his dumb ass despite of the SHOULDERS! and the ARMS! currently on display, so know this: New Puck vows to beat the routine into New Finn if that's what it'll take to get them through Sectionals, and at that, we head into this evening's commercial break wondering how we've managed to make it halfway through a fucking Sectionals episode with only two goddamned musical numbers so far.

My Ancestral Homeland, Thanksgiving evening. St. Gay Of Lima and Dean Geyer bicker about their conflicting bird-baking strategies for a lengthy period of time until Dean Geyer calls The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway over to help him butter his turkey, and no, that is not a euphemism for something sordid and disgusting, though Dean Geyer and Old Idiot Rachel certainly do their best to make it one.

The Novak. Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel gives herself a last-minute pre-Sectionals pep talk in one of the mirrors, after which she removes a single minty-fresh Tic Tac from her purse for dinner, and if that's not a shout-out to RuPaul, I don't know what the hell is.

Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel eventually makes her wobbly way out into the hall, where she finds Not-So-Unique all done up in girl drag for that evening's performance. The two pedeyammer their collective way to the music room, with Urethra explaining that she's chosen to disobey her parents and be true to herself, so there's that problem solved. How fortunate! They enter the music room to join the others in an inspirational show circle, and as some genius decided to split all of the lines in the scene that follows between Bloaty The Gravy Clown and Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Still Can't Be Bothered To Look Up, I'll be skipping ahead to...

...The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, where a teeming throng of holiday Sectionals-goers has already seated itself for the festivities to come. First, though, we must put our hands together for tonight's distinguished panel of judges: The Lima News obituary editor, Stan Cook; chief historian of The Lima Locomotive Museum, Harrison Carlucci; and the 2012 Defiance County Catfish Queen, Allison Metcalf. Wait a minute. That's it? An obits editor, a train enthusiast, and a minor-pageant beauty queen? They're so not even trying anymore. Hell, even that bloated cokehead was better than this.

ANY-way, once those tiresome introductions are done, Ernst Blofeld suddenly appears center stage to introduce The Swallows, and let the fun begin! Or not, as the case may be, which it most definitely is here. And why is that, I'm sure I hear you ask? Because The Swallows proceed to sing one absolutely appalling committee-penned piece of pop crap about blowjobs and another absolutely horrific piece of prepackaged boyband shit about one-night stands, with neither performance evincing any sort of charm or wit. AT ALL. If you must know, Ernst Blofeld takes the lead vocals on the first while Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual does the same on the second, and the choreography at times is fun to watch, but the music itself? I WILL KILL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IF YOU MAKE ME LISTEN TO ANY OF IT EVER AGAIN.

GOD, I hate this show.

And when it's over, the Sectionals audience cheers because that's what all those extras were paid to do, and New Puck squeezes Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's hand as Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel prepares to yack up that dinnertime Tic Tac right into the commercial break.

My Ancestral Homeland. The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway waxes nostalgic for Thanksgivings past while St. Gay Of Lima offers her his best expression of concern and understanding, and then three thousand drag queens show up at their front door because Sarah Jessica Parker told them there'd be this amazing party with free food over in Brooklyn. No, seriously. Needless to say, St. Gay is quite perplexed, and he seems more than ready to throw a hyperventilating hissy when Sarah Jessica Parker buzzes his cell from the Montrose Avenue subway station -- in East Williamsburg, but who's checking? -- to kick-start an embarrassingly fun cover of The Scissor Sisters' "Let's Have A Kiki" that leaps into high gear the instant Sarah Jessica Parker crosses the apartment threshold. I must note that Sarah Jessica Parker's $6200 Oscar de la Renta is staggering, and while I feel I should recognize more of the various drag queens and hangers-on now littering The Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft, the only two I can actually call out by name are Shangela and Ryan Heffington. Go figure.

In any event, once things really get going, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway of course feels a need to assert her presence, so she interjects a few lines of the truly awful "Turkey Lurkey Time" from Promises, Promises into the proceedings, thereby officially turning this number into another medley, but to be honest with you, I really don't care. After The Swallows' rage-inducing performance at Sectionals, this entire sequence is just too fun for me to bitch about. Though I gotta wonder what all these freeloaders are gonna do when they figure out there's no booze. Drag Queen Revolt!

Meanwhile, back in Ohio, Sue, Emma and Will make appearances in the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion audience just so Jane Lynch, Jayma Mays and Matthew Morrison can pick up their paychecks for the week, and then The Rosedale Mennonites take the stage to offer us their versions of "Over The River And Through The Wood" and "She'll Be Coming 'Round The Mountain," and you know what? Still better than The Swallows.

The curtains close once the Mennonites are done, and as the children of The New New Directions take their positions on the risers, Dreamboat Blaine's cell phone starts a-buzzing in his pocket, and it's St. Gay Of Lima, calling from the fire escape outside his Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft. I'll ignore the fact that I'm apparently meant to believe Dreamboat Blaine would carry his phone onto the stage for a performance and focus instead on what these two have to say to each other and... nope, not happening. Never cared about their boring relationship, never will. Long story short, they agree to meet in person during Christmas to hash things out -- again, some more -- and when the call is over, St. Gay Of Lima wanders back into the loft proper to receive a slow-motion Hug Of Infinite Understanding from Sarah Jessica Parker, who really needs to find some friends her own goddamned age. Also: This evening's final commercial break.

We return to find Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel barely able to stand because she's been living on Tic Tacs and ex-lax for the last two weeks, and when New Puck wanders over to wonder what gives, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel starts babbling about her insomnia and her hyperhidrosis and her miserably low levels of self-esteem, and I have zero fucks to give about any of this, so let's skip ahead to the part where New Finn pops up from out of nowhere to insist New Puck take over his role in their first number. He knows New Puck's a much better dancer than he is, you see, and "you don't put in the second-string QB just to be nice," right? Of course right. New Puck agrees to the switch, and the three race to the stage at the last possible instant and...

By Demian

GOD, I hate this show.

By Demian

...remember how I said there's no way in hell I'm gonna sit through this shit? There's no way in hell I'm gonna sit through this shit. For the second time, at least -- God knows I suffered through it when this episode originally aired -- but nevertheless: Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. Sorry! Though you know what? Even this nightmare is better than The Swallows. Goddammit, Dalton! What the hell happened this year?

And when it's over, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel drops dead. Hooray!

week: The thrilling conclusion. Have fun!

Demian's pretty sure The New New Directions will triumph anyway, even with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's rapidly cooling corpse now sprawled across the stage, because The Swallows were that bad. You may reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.