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McKinley High has gone superhero crazy. It seems like everybody but Jake, Marley, Kitty, and Ryder has joined Blaine's superhero club under such aliases as Queen Bee, the Human Brain, and Asian Persuasion. After a disastrous first session as glee club coach, Finn takes the Biestemaster's advice and embraces the superhero geekery, assigning arch-nemeses Jake and Ryder and Kitty and Marley to sing duets dressed as superheroes. And things seem to work out (as detailed below). So now Finn feels like he's actually ready to lead the New Directions.
The Jake and Ryder duet starts out great but turns into a fist fight when the two of them spend the entire song trying to make time with Marley. Finn decides that the only appropriate step is to have them each reveal their greatest fear to the other, so they'll appreciate their blah blah blah. Jake's greatest weakness is that he never feels like he belongs. Ryder's is that he's illiterate. Or, more precisely, dyslexic. Which he learns only after Jake tells Finn about Ryder's reading problem and Finn drags him to special ed teacher for an evaluation. So now Jake and Ryder are friends.
Kitty continues to undermine Marley's self-confidence by making her feel fat and talentless. Yet she also bucks her up enough that the two of them turn in a killer duet performance. You'd think the fact that two hot guys are fighting over her would make her feel pretty good. But Jake backs off now that Ryder is his friend, based on advice he gets from Puck in a quick phone call, in which Puck tells him that he should be nice and just wait for the girl of his dreams to come to him. It's a short wait -- Ryder cancels a date with Marley due to an appointment with a dyslexia specialist, and Marley takes matters into her own hands and asks Jake out. So maybe Jake and Ryder won't be friends for long.
The real action in the episode revolves around Blaine. It seems that Hunter, new captain of the Warblers, has stolen the Nationals trophy from the music room. Blaine goes to Warbler Town to investigate, and learns that the theft was just a way to lure Blaine into a trap -- a trap that basically consists of begging him to come back to Dalton and the Warblers. Sick with guilt and pain over Kurt, Blaine decides to accept. But then Sam reminds him that the people at McKinley are just nicer than the overprivileged Dalton kids, and he decides to stick around. But not before the Blond Chameleon and Night Bird liberate the trophy and return it to its rightful home.
If I'm going to work on Thanksgiving, I'll be damned if I look up video links for all the songs. But I can still tell you what they were: Kelly Clarkson's "My Dark Side," performed by Blaine and the Warblers; Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out for a Hero," performed by Kitty and Marley; David Bowie's "Heroes," performed by Sam and Blaine; fun's "Some Nights," performed by the New Directions; and The Clique's "Superman," performed by Ryder and Jake. (Yes, I know that many of you think that "Superman" is by R.E.M. Their version, well known as it is, is just a cover.)
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hail, True Believers! Prepare yourselves for this pulse-pounding tale of high school rivalries and learning disabilities! After tonight, nothing will be the same! Or, rather, it'll likely return to exactly the status quo. Also, according to the "Previously, on Glee" guy, Sectionals are week. Whatever.
Apparently, the members of the Superhero Sidekicks Appreciation Club have all graduated to being full-fledged superheroes, because Blaine, dressed in black and blue spandex and satin, gavels us into a meeting of the Secret Society of Superheroes Club. Blaine, fan of the form as he is, knows that all superhero meetings start with the roll call, so we're quickly introduced to the assembled members, all suitably costumed: Asian Persuasion (Tina), whose power is manipulation; the Blond Chameleon (Sam), whose power is impersonation; Tarantula Head (guess who?), whose power is flicking his gross hair at you, causing you to flee lest it touch you; Sweet and Spicy (Sugar Motta), whose power is money; and half a dozen other kids whose power is apparently mutism, because they're never allowed to speak. I see no sing of Mike Chang (also known as Unexcused Absence Boy) or Mercedes (Missing Paying Gigs Girl), so they must have returned whence they came.
Blaine then calls forth the candidates for membership. Artie and some others enter the picture, and Artie addresses Blaine by his name. Blaine testily reminds him that in the Society of Superheroes, they never reveal their secret identities. He's not Blaine, he's "Night Bird, the Nocturnal [please say Emitter, please say Emitter] Avenger." He also reminds Artie, in a bald cap and (as usual) in his wheelchair, that members aren't allowed to copy existing superheroes whose copyright owners have expensive lawyers on retainer. So Artie changes his name to Doctor Y, and his power become wheelies. He's joined by Queen Bee (Becky), whose power is being able to sting like a bitch, and the Human Brain (Brit-Brit), whose power is being completely mystifying. A screaming eagle sound lets us know that a text has arrived on Night Bird's night phone, but it's just Asian Persuasion trying to use her powers of manipulation to pushing him into a reconciliation with Kurt. He rebuffs her efforts, and is interrupted when Chai Tea (Tina's freshman assistant) runs and calls them all to the music room.
Cut to the lot of them speeding down the hallway, capes flapping behind them while '60s horns bleat on the soundtrack. In the music room, they find that the Nationals trophy they won last year is missing. In its place, a laptop with the words "Press Play" on the screen. Night Bird ignores the fact that this is an obvious trap and presses play. We see a video of a villain in a Dalton Academy jacket, face pixellated to oblivion and holding the trophy, as his distorted voice promises to take their title, just as he took their trophy.
Title card, which has been transformed into the Glee Signal.
Hallway. Jake approaches Marley (neither of whom is wearing a superhero costume) to ask her out. Before she can reject him, Ryder strides up and claims her Friday as his own, since she agreed to come to the football team's away game that night. The two boys start acting like dicks to each other, and quickly come to (pathetic) blows. Finn happens to be walking by, and he breaks them up, with backup from Asian Persuasion and Queen Bee. Finn reminds them both to be at glee club practice in twenty minutes.
Cut to Finn (who's wearing a Schuesterian sweater vest, by the way) staring at the picture of the dead glee club instructor who once inspired Will. The members of the club have gathered. Finn ineffectually calls them to order and welcomes Ryder and Kitty as their newest members. Asian Persuasion asks whether they shouldn't vote on allowing mean girl Kitty into the club, but Finn reminds her that they have to have twelve members for Sectionals, so they really don't have a choice. Asian Persuasion suggests he call Santana, "since she's apparently better than anyone who's enrolled here." Is her power manipulation, or snark? Was she bitten by a radioactive Santana?
Finn goes to write something on the white board, a la Will, but the marker breaks and he can't find any others, throwing him into a tizzy. So he abandons that and tells them that his idea for a theme for Sectionals is that they perform all Foreigner songs, in foreign languages, while dressed in foreign costumes. Nobody's impressed, and Night Bird reminds him that, as reigning national champions, they need to be the very best. And then Night Bird gets up to leave the room, to go fetch the trophy that Finn hadn't even noticed was missing.
Cut to Finn walking down the hall with the Beiste Master (Coach Beiste), faculty advisor to the superhero club. Her power is to be able to digest any substance -- which is reinforced by her emblem, a giant "BM." Finn thinks the entire superhero craze is moronic, but the Beiste Master tells him that putting on a mask gives you the freedom to be the person you see yourself as. I think it's moronic, but I'm also enjoying the cracky humor it's bringing to this episode, so I'm going to let it pass. (Especially since I'm confident it will never be mentioned again.) She thinks the world could use more heroes. By now, they've arrived at the teacher's lounge, where there's no Sue to bar Finn's entry. Is Sue off having an adventure with Not-So-Unique, who's also not in this episode? He tells her that his first day as glee club coach was a total flop, and she suggests he try to approach them on their level by donning a pair of tights.
Emma Frost's Academy for Evil Mutants. Or, I mean, "Dalton Academy." Blaine Warbler, secret alter ego of Night Bird, makes his way down the grand staircase. At the bottom of the stairs he finds Sebastian, one-time evil leader of the Warblers, and accuses him of the theft. But Sebastian isn't the culprit; he's been replaced as the mastermind behind the Secret Society of Singing Boys by the real villain, who's waiting in the library.
Blaine enters the empty library, where a leather chair swings around to reveal a generically handsome devil stroking a white Persian cat in his lap. His name is Hunter, he's the leader of the Warblers, and he's "not even remotely bi-curious." Keep telling yourself that, Blofeld. He stole the trophy to lure Blaine to Dalton, with the intent of persuading Blaine to leave McKinley and return to his old team. (We learn all of this from Hunter, who is monologuing his entire plan, as villains are wont to do.) He proposes a trade -- Blaine for the trophy. Hunter reminds Blaine that he only went to McKinley to be with Kurt; "In fact, I even hear they call you... Blaine Warbler." To be fair, that's only Brit-Brit. And me, but I don't think Blaine is aware of my existence.
Sebastian enters with some other Warblers, and they present him with the ceremonial blazer. Not the blazer! They dare Blaine to try it on, and invite him to join them for a song. And then they all sing Kelly Clarkon's "Dark Side." A room full of young men, all trying to seduce Blaine. Frederic Wertham would have a field day with this. As the song finishes, Blaine takes off the blazer in shame, but Hunter tells him to keep it. Commercials.
Music room. Finn has taken the Beiste Master's advice and donned tights and a cape. Or, more precisely, baggy shorts and a cape. He tells the kids that he gets that his first idea sucked, and so he's decided to assign them to sing "Dynamic Duets." Doctor Y asks him who he's supposed to be, and he tells them that he's the almighty Treble Clef. Kitty snidely informs him that Jesus is the only almighty superhero. Is she aware of Grilled Cheesus? Tarantula Head gives her an "amen," but she shuts him down. I'm surprised she even let him sit that close to her. Treble Clef's idea is to get the team to unite across its differences, just like the Avengers. He assigns Jake and Ryder to sing one duet, and Kitty and Marley to sing the other. As superheroes. And then he tells the others to "begin preparing to fight an epic battle against the forces of evil at Sectionals." By doing what, exactly? Practicing songs you haven't selected, or learning dance moves you haven't choreographed?
Kitty slams Marley's locker shut and hands her some sheet music, telling her that she's taken the liberty of picking a song for the two of them. She also doesn't care what superhero Marley chooses to be, since she's already decided to be Femme Fatal, "'cause in French, it means 'kill women.'" I see that McKinley's French teacher is as competent as its former Spanish teacher.
As the two girls walk away, we see Jake approach Ryder to try to get him agree to skip the whole assignment, since nothing will get the two of them to like each other. Ryder: "Fine, don't do it and get booted out of glee club. Mega Stud won't complain." Jake can't believe Ryder has chosen "Mega Stud" as his alter ego, since that's who Jake is. They engage in an overacting stare-off, and then launch into The Clique's "Superman." I mean, they're in the music room when they start, both dressed in classic Clark Kent costumes, which they soon rip off to reveal matching "MS" uniforms. They're both trying to sing the song to their bland version of Lois Lane while Kitty looks on in silent rage. Their one-upmanship in pursuit of Marley leads to shoving which leads to punching which leads to Treble Clef ending the song early.
Auditorium stage. Treble Clef is lecturing the two Mega Studs about the goal of the assignment, which was to bring them together. He's decided on a new tactic -- making them each reveal their deepest fear to each other. He thinks if they learn each other's kryptonite, they'll understand they aren't so different. Man, Finn really is just as stupid as Will.
A three-color print and musical sting brings us to the music room again, where Finn, in his civilian clothes, is manipulating tiny mannequins with New Directions members' faces glued to them, planning a dance routine. Blaine enters and Finn asks him how it's going with the plan to recover the trophy. Blaine casually lets it drop that he sang with the Warblers while he was at Dalton, and tells Finn that he felt so welcomed by them and is starting to wonder if he shouldn't be back there. Finn asks him if this is all about Kurt, and Blaine tells him that while he's at McKinley, he can't escape the memory of Kurt. He also acts like he's doing it for the New Directions' benefit, since Finn "needs a team that's gonna gel." Finn: "Yeah, we need a team with lots of gel. And you're, like, the biggest part of that." It is true that if Will and Blaine both left McKinley at the same time, the sale of men's hair product in Lima would plummet. Blaine doesn't care what effect his decision will have on the local beauty supply industry -- he thinks the Warblers are his destiny. Commercials.
Hallway. Marley approaches Kitty and tells her she can't sing a duet with her. Kitty: "Is it because my singing voice is crystal clear and you sort of sound like you have a snot bubble stuck in the back of your throat? I don't think that, that's just what everyone's saying." But Marley's real concern is the costume -- she doesn't want to wear a tight superhero outfit, because Kitty's secret machinations have convinced her that she's fat. Kitty asks her if she's still barfing up her food. She is. Kitty claims that they're a lot alike, which is why Kitty was so mean to her originally. Kitty is suspiciously supportive as she encourages Marley to try on the costume, promising to let her know if she looks bad. Their little chat ends with poor, naive, stupid Marley accepting a hug from Kitty.
Comic-cut over to the boys' locker room, where Sam is wearing a jock strap on his face and doing a very good Bane impression. Did I say Sam? I meant shirtless Sam. Thanks, Show! Ryder and Jake are both there, and Jake hands Ryder a note on which he's written his deepest secret. Ryder mocks him for taking the coward's way to admit his secret, and presses him to man up and tell him his secret face-to-face. So Jake tells him that as a half black, half white, half Jewish kid (who's not so hot at fractions), he never feels like he fits in anywhere. We cut sideways to white kids being racist toward him, and black kids being both racist and anti-Semitic. Jake asks Ryder what his kryptonite is, and Ryder tells him he doesn't want to share. Which naturally pisses Jake off, since he just opened up to his arch-nemesis. So Ryder tells him that he made Jake tell him what the note said because he couldn't read the note. GASP! (And you can't spell 'gasp' without 'PSA').
The Novak. Kitty emerges from a stall dressed in a skin-tight black vinyl bodysuit and cat ears. Lee Merriwether, Julie Newmar, Eartha Kitt, Michelle Pfeiffer and Anne Hathaway are turning over in their graves right now. (Don't you DARE mention Halley Berry to me!) Femme Fatale orders Marley out of the stall to show off her costume. Marley emerges in a gold body suit with a bunch of flowers sewn over the bosom, her arms crossed across her stomach. After Femme Fatale makes her put her arms down, we see that her belt is inscribed with a "WF." Which, she tells us, stands for Wall Flower. Because that's how she feels about herself. Femme Fatale makes her look in the mirror and stand up straight, and tells her that she is H-O-T-T hot, with "a bitchin' bod." She also insults Marley's mother and her abilities as a seamstress, but Marley seems to overlook it. I'm guessing that Kitty's new plot is to build Marley up so that she can tear her back down again? Femme Fatale also tells her to abandon the moniker "Wall Flower," rechristening her "Woman Fierce." And then they launch into Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out for a Hero."
We immediately cut over to the music room, and this performance is H-O-T-T. They sound great together, they dance around with the whip that Femme Fatale is holding. And there's a very funny part where Femme Fatale spins her whip, creating a breeze that gives Woman Fierce a total wind machine effect. After they finish, to rapturous applause, Brit-Brit announces to the room at large, "I don't smell raspberry hair gel. Does anybody know where Blaine Warbler is?" Finn tells them that Blaine's been having a tough time, to which Asian Persuasion responds, "Oh, boo hoo. Get over it, it's like a bad Lifetime movie." She changes her snarky tune when Finn finishes his sentence by telling them that Blaine's decided to finish his senior year at Dalton. Doctor Y: "He's been taken by the dark side." Commercials.
Finn is walking down the stairs when Jake approaches him with a secret about Ryder that he has to share. We cut to Finn and Ryder walking into a classroom where they're welcomed by the school district's special education director. Finn has lured Ryder there to meet her and get some help. Ryder gets defensive, but Finn calms him down and leaves him with the nice woman for some tests.
We see some of the testing, and what we learn is that Ryder is fine at reading familiar words that he's seen before, but can't read nonsense words or words whose letters don't look normal (like the word "egg" spelled backwards). Which probably explains why he couldn't read Jake's note, since nobody's handwriting looks like anybody else's handwriting.
After the testing, he emerges from the classroom and finds Finn waiting for him in the hallway. Finn: "It's not a brain tumor, is it?" Oh, poor, sweet, stupid Finn. Ryder tells him he's dyslexic. Ryder gives a nice, teary speech about how he felt like a secret failure his entire life, and he's been terrified that his PhD parents would have rejected him if he'd known how stupid he was. It's a really nice performance -- did Ryan Murphy pay for acting lessons for all the Glee Project kids? (Also, as pointed out in the forums, the process of diagnosing and then developing a plan for a kid with a learning disability is way more complicated than this. If you're looking for reality in your TV shows, you're watching the wrong show.) Ryder thanks Finn, and Finn tells him that it's really Jake that he should thank. Commercials.
Cafeteria. Jake, in line to get food, chats with Marley's mother. And then some jackass jock calls her "dump truck." And another one calls Jake "kosher cappuccino." Jake tells them how much he's looking forward to kicking both their asses, but one of him points out all the other jocks surrounding them, ready to jump into the fray. And then Ryder interrupts and tells them that if they're going to go after Jake, they have to go through Ryder first. And then Artie, Tarantula Head, and Queen Bee also jump in to defend Jake. Notwithstanding the fact that Queen Bee is wielding a very menacing plastic fork, I'm not sure these three are really going to cause many miscreants to cower in fear. The asshole jocks leave. Jake asks Ryder why he did that, and Ryder tells him that Jake had his back, so he's got Jake's.
Hollywood Boulevard. Puck, dressed in a superhero costume of his own, is posing for pictures and fleecing tourists of their hard-earned Euros. His phone rings, and it's Jake. Or, as Puck halls him, his "half-bro with the afro." Jake, who I guess must have been talking with Puck off camera since they met (?), wants advice on what to do about the fact that he likes a girl who is dating a guy who turns out to be a good friend to Jake. Puck's advice is to wait it out, since his powerful Puckerman pheromones will naturally draw her in after she gets bored with the other guy. Bye, Puck! See you in six episodes.
Blaine is cleaning out his locker when Sam walks up to him and asks him to admit that he's not really going back to Dalton. When Blaine denies that it's all part of some secret plot (which is exactly what he would say if it was a secret plot), Sam pretty astutely diagnoses Blaine's departure for Dalton as another way to punish himself, but Sam doesn't know what he's punishing himself for. So Blaine admits that he cheated on Kurt, and we see a flashback to him sitting on the edge of a guy's bed and putting his shirt on while the guy hovers, out of focus, in the background. It was a low moment, when he feared he and Kurt weren't going to last, but as soon as it happened, he knew that he wanted to be with Kurt forever. Sam tries to reassure him that Kurt will eventually forgive him, which Blaine thinks is just not true. Sam: "Even if he doesn't forgive you, you gotta forgive yourself. Stop... what's the word when you make someone into a villain?" Blaine: "Villainize?" Poor, sweet, stupid Sam. Sam tells Blaine that what he did to Kurt was wrong, but he can't make it right by punishing himself. Blaine: "I just want to stop feeling like I'm a bad person." Sam tells him he's not a bad person, and asks him for one day to prove that to him.
Cut to the auditorium stage, where Sam, later joined by Sam, sings David Bowie's "Heroes." (Enjoy that video of Alien David Bowie, by the way.) We see the glee kids painting over some graffiti. The painting quickly turns into a paint fight. Which, (1) gross, and (2) who the hell is going to clean up that sidewalk now? We also see the Blond Chameleon and Night Bird staffing a table for a canned food drive at the school. Sam organized both of these projects in one day? Maybe the dumb blond act is really just an act after all. After the song finishes, Sam asks Blaine if he's convinced him to stay. Blaine tosses a mask to Sam and tells him they have one more heroic mission to go on before he announces his decision.
Cut to the Dalton Academy library. The Warblers enter, only to find that the stolen Nationals trophy in the case has been replaced by a Dalton blazer with a "no thanks" note stuck to the lapel. They race to the window, and find a grappling hook on the banister with a rope leading to the group. In the distance, Night Bird, the Blond Chameleon, and the Nationals trophy flee to the warm arms of justice! BLAM! SLAINE! Commercials.
Marley's locker. Ryder tells her he has to bail on their plans to hang out on Friday. He has an appointment with the best dyslexia specialist in Ohio, but the only time he could get was early Saturday morning, so he has to go home right after the game. Kitty overhears only the part where Ryder canceled on Marley, and walks up to commiserate with her for being dumped. But her earlier efforts to prop up Marley's shaky self-esteem had an effect because Marley decides that if Ryder doesn't have time for her, she'll just ask Jake to go out with her. Oh, Kitty -- foiled again!
Music room. Sam and Blaine have returned with their booty. Blaine is apologizing for ever doubting that he belonged at McKinley. He also tells them that he's not worried about Sectionals, because "we've got the team, we've got the talent, and we've got, most importantly, the leader." And with that he hands the trophy to Finn. The kids applaud, and then Tina presents Finn with a gift -- a superhero utility belt containing spare markers for the white board, a bottle of antacid, and (from Brit-Brit) a severed doll's head. And a treble clef pin to remind him of his secret identity as the Treble Clef. Finn calls them into a huddle to cheer on their upcoming success.
And then we're on the stage, where the New Directions perform fun's "Some Nights." They're wearing the same red tops and jeans they wore the first time they performed "Don't Stop Believing," and the leads are spread among a bunch of different kids. And I know I'm still a sucker for this show, and this song (with its driving martial rhythm and gospel choir sound) is especially manipulative, but this performance gave me the kind of musical shivers I used to get from this show all the time. So good on you, New Directions 2.0.
LTG lives in Boston, where he's full-time pension and benefits attorney and part-time superhero tailor. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.