Long Live the Queens

S03E10

After Emma enters a crazy person's fugue state and unwittingly proposes to Will in the teachers' lounge, Will decides he needs to pop the question. Which leads him to assign New Directions to find him the perfect proposal song. Man, I wish I could outsource my love life. Artie thinks he should lead with his hips and sing something that shows off his sexy dance moves. The girls propose a sweet, romantic number. Will makes the mistake of asking Emma's horrible parents for permission, and they fill his mind with doubts about how awful it would be to be married to someone with Emma's level of OCD. Will, ever the idiot, actually shares these doubts with Emma, and she grows a spine and tells him to shit or get off the pot. But not with those words, because that image would likely make Emma vomit. So he does, with a chlorine-drenched proposal that would make any germaphobe happy. And she says yes.

After Sam and Mercedes share the story of their summer fling with everyone else, Sam clearly wants to restart things with Mercedes. She reminds him that she's dating Shane, and Sam decides that the reason Mercedes is drawn to Shane is that he has a letterman's jacket. He wants to get his own jacket, stat, but there's only one team with open spots -- the synchronized swimming team. Which means (a) shirtless, wet Sam and (b) a kickass turn by NeNe Leakes as the synchronized swim team coach. (Really, what I thought was going to be some awful stunt-casting turned out to be a great performance.) Mercedes realizes she still has feelings for Sam while singing a romantic song.

And there's even more love. Becky has decided that she wants Artie to be her boyfriend. He humors her, and even enjoys their dinner at Breadstix. But things get a little more complicated when she decides that she wants to go all the way. Sue gives him some genuine advice, and he levels with Becky. And then Sue even gives her some love and comfort when she cries over her broken heart.

Finally, in a non-love-related plot, Finn tells Will that he's made a decision about his future -- he's going to follow in his father's footsteps and join the army. Will rats him out to Burt and Carol, and Carol is forced to tell him the truth about his father, which is that he was in the army, but didn't die in Iraq. Instead, he came out of the service with a drug problem, and died of an overdose. Finn is understandably upset, and thinks his life has lost all meaning. After Rachel sings a romantic song to him, he decides that she now gives his life meaning. And he proposes to her, leaving us with quite a cliffhanger.

Featuring: "Summer Nights," from Grease, performed by Sam and Mercedes as the story of their summer fling; a mash-up of Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger" and the Rolling Stones' "Jumping Jack Flash," performed by Artie, with sexy dancing backup from Will and Mike Chang; "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," most famously performed by Roberta Flack, here performed by Rachel, Tina, Santana, and Mercedes; Rihanna's "We Found Love," performed by Rachel and Santana, with an assist from the synchronized swim team; the 5th Dimension's "Wedding Bell Blues," performed by Emma; and David Guetta's "Without You," performed by Rachel.

At long last: Get a sneak peek at >Rachel's two dads.

Lima must be having the warmest January day in history, as the girls of New Directions make their way to a table at the improbable outdoor lunchroom, some of them in skirts. Tina wants Mercedes to finally give them all the scoop on her summer fling with Sam, now that he's back at McKinley and making eyes at Mercedes. And then we're with the boys on the bleachers, where Puck asks Sam to tell them everything. And then Puck kisses Sam's hand. For real. That is a thing that happened on my TV. If Ryan Murphy thinks that having Puck go gay all of a sudden is going to get me to give the show higher grades -- well, he's right.

Anyway, the hand kiss is just prelude to both sets of kids singing "Summer Nights," from Grease. It's pretty much a direct copy of the scene from the movie, in all its hip-thrusting glory. Although I'm glad they cut the line that implies the only way to get a girl to have sex is through force. Of note, Sugar Motta gets to sing a line! And Kurt is, as per usual, with the girls. Although I don't mind, since he gets to deliver one of Rizzo's lines. Title card.

Becky's at her locker while we hear her inner monologue. Her inner voice, with its crisp British accent, is clearly not provided by Lauren Potter, but it took me quite a while to realize it was Helen Mirren. As the voice-over tells us, "You may be wondering why I sound like the Queen of England. It's simple. In my mind, I can sound like whomever I want. So lay off, haters." This idea is genius. [Note: Though it does imply that Becky would never choose to have Potter's actual voice, which in offensive in its own way... but whatever, this is the same show that forgot Rachel Berry was Jewish. -- RS.] Anyway, Queen Becky reminds us that she's the number one bitch at McKinley, what with being co-captain of the Cheerios and president of the Perfect Attendance Club, not to mention her participation trophy in rhythmic gymnastics. So it stands to reason that she could get any dude she wants.

Unfortunately, she tells us that she's very picky. As she walks down the hall, she tells us why so many guys are unacceptable to someone with her discerning taste: "Rory grins too much. He looks like an insane person. Is that a mohawk, Puckerman, or did someone glue a squirrel to your head? No, [Mike] Chang-Du, I'm no rice queen." But then she sees someone that does meet her standards: "Sweet, sexy, and handicapable, like me, with a voice as velvety as my favorite Sunday church dress. It's decided. Artie Abrams, you're my new boyfriend." Well, alrighty then.

Becky follows Sue into her office. Sue asks what happened to the guy she took to the prom, and Becky tells her that she likes hot dogs, while he was a pizza man. She's right, mixed marriages never work. In any case, Becky likes Artie, and she wants Sue's advice on what to do. Sue tells her that she could ask him on a date, since the worst that will happen is that he'll say no. But she thinks Becky could do better than Artie.

Teacher's lounge. Emma asks Coach Beiste if she can sit at her table, and notes that it's a two-chicken day. It turns out those are celebration chickens, because the Panther eloped with Cooter. Sue passes by just in time to overhear that announcement, and she sits at their table with a shocked look on her face. It all happened when Coach Beiste got up the nerve to tell Cooter that she thought he was her soulmate while they were eating a traditional Christmas Eve feast at Taco Bell. Sue takes a second to take it all in, and then takes the high road, telling the coach, "Well, Michael Chiklis in a wig, I would like to offer my congratulations. I've been bested. I guess it's time to call Boreanaz."

Coach Beiste notices a sad look on Emma's face, and asks her what the problem is. Emma apologizes for raining on the Panther's big news, and then says that she's worried that Will doesn't want to marry her. Sue: "Oh, for God's sake, Amelia, it's twenty-twelve. If you want to marry Will Schuester, ask him." And then Emma breaks out into what is clearly a fantasy of singing the 5th Dimension's "Wedding Bell Blues," with Sue and the Panther as backup. We see various moments of their domestic life together, and then Emma walking down the school hallway in a wedding dress, with the two coaches trailing her in Princess Beatrice and Eugenie hats. The song finishes with Emma and Will, in wedding gown and tux, dancing on top of a giant wedding cake on stage in the auditorium. And then we snap back to reality, where Emma is standing in front of Will in the teacher's lounge and he's wondering if she just asked him to marry her. Emma realizes the words in her head were coming out of her mouth, and she runs off in a panic. Will experiences the unexpected feeling of an idea blooming forth in his head, and he starts to smile.

Cut to the music room. Will runs in and asks Finn for a drum roll. Will writes the words "Marry me" on the whiteboard, and tells the assembled kids that he's going to propose to Emma. And he wants them to do the hard work of his relationship by thinking of songs that would serve as a great setting to a proposal. Okay, I guess that's not really the hard work of a relationship. But he's still a slacker for putting it off on the kids. Anyway, he tells the kids that this is the kind of news you share with family, and he thinks of them as his family. That's nice, and also a little bit sad.

By LTG

After rehearsal, Sam trails Mercedes out of the room to her locker and asks her if she thinks she'll ever get married. She's sure she will, but not until after her first Grammy. Sam asks if she has any idea who the guy will be, because he thinks it should be him. Wow, that's a little fast for a guy who's not even dating her. She reminds him that she's dating man-mountain Shane. He thinks it's because he's a big jock with his letterman's jacket. Mercedes tries to remind him that their relationship was just a summer fling, and summer's long over.

Artie wheels up to Sugar and suggests they work on a number together for Will's proposal. Sugar cuts him off, and tells him that he's sweet, but she doesn't want to go out with him. "It's not that you're disabled. It's that I'm abled. And people can be really mean. I'm really worried people are gonna think your legs look thinner than my arms." As she leaves, Becky runs up to Artie and asks him, "Hey, Artie, can we go out?" He's not sure what she means, and she clarifies that she means a date. And then she reaches over and caresses his hair, just before we cut to commercial.

Sam enters the locker room, which is full of way too many guys wearing way too many clothes, and tells Coach Beiste that he wants to join the basketball team. She asks him where he was when it was time for tryouts. Sam: "In a motel in Kentucky." He explains that he needs a letterman's jacket ASAP. She tells him that every team is full up, except for one. "But I don't think you're gonna be interested."

Cut to shirtless Sam (the best kind of Sam, in my opinion), emerging like a god from the swimming pool, held aloft on the hands of a bunch of bathing beauties. Can I get an amen? Sam walks out of the pool and another male synchronized swimmer hands him his chamois, which he must guard with his life, because every Guppy gets one and only one. He's also required to think of a water-themed nickname for the back of his robe -- for example, "Vinnie the Gill." He asks if Trouty Mouth would work. And then he is approached by the fabulous NeNe Leakes, who introduces herself thusly: "Sam Evans, I am Coach Roz Washington, and you are one strange looking kid. I have never seen lips like that on a white child, and one of your nipples is higher than the other. I bet you've had to overcome a lot with those crooked nipples. Well, I know a thing or two about overcoming. When I was growing up, they said black folks couldn't swim. But I had a DREAM, that one day I would get to the Promised Land. So I swam my way and got my forty acres and a pool." Vinnie the Gill tells Sam that Coach Roz swam in the Olympics. After informing Sam about the existence of individual synchronized swimming, Coach Roz approaches Sam (who is covering his nipples in embarrassment): "I'm gonna say one thing to you, Sam Evans, and I'm only gonna say it once. If you pee in my pool, I will kill you." I kind of can't wait for a scene between Roz and Sue.

In hall, a still damp Sam tells Finn that he just joined the synchronized swim team. Finn tells him to keep it down, since combining glee club and synchro kind of invites a massive amount of mockery at McKinley. Sam doesn't care, because he'll get his letterman's jacket. And then a couple of hockey jocks deliver a synchronized slushying to Sam's face. Mercedes sees, and walks over to Sam with concern on her face. She starts to wipe the ice off his face when Shane calls over and asks her what's going on. She tells him that she's helping a friend, but Shane thinks Sam will pull through, and offers (in a kind of demanding way) to walk Mercedes to her class.

Auditorium. Artie tells Will that he's sure the girls will try to "neuter" him by suggesting he use a romantic song for the proposal. But Artie thinks he should subvert expectations and lead with his hips. By which, Artie means show off his sexy dance moves to make Emma swoon. And then Artie launches into a mash-up of Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger" and the Rolling Stones' "Jumping Jack Flash," while Will and Mike Chang dance and Blaine, Puck and Finn sing backup. After they finish, Will tells them it's a great choice, but he's worried that the dancing will lead to sweating, which will lead to Emma freaking out. He leaves, and Mike Chang goes with him, much to Artie's dismay.

Why is Artie dismayed? Because Becky has been in the audience watching the performance, and now she's walking up to him on the stage. She tells him it was awesome, and a "great Part One." Artie wonders what she means by "Part One," since he thought that was the entire date (which he must have said yes to during a commercial break). But Becky's no fool. She knows what a date is, and on this show, it's always dinner at Breadstix. So that's where she's going to go with Artie.

Hey, it's the jewelry store set in which Santana sang "Santa Baby," in a scene that was unfortunately cut from the last episode and every trace of which has been deleted from the web. This time, Will and Finn are there while Will shops for an engagement ring. There's some blather about how Finn is generally not smart and how Will doesn't want to fail at marriage like he did last time. And then Will asks Finn to be his best man. He has really got to get some grown-up friends. Especially when he tells Finn "You've taught me more about being a man than anyone I've ever known." That is so sad. Finn accepts. And then he tells Will that he's thinking of joining the army. Because he wants to do something special, "like my dad, but without the whole dying part." Commercials.

By LTG

Will's office. Rachel, Mercedes, Santana and Tina are there to get some info so they can plan the right proposal. Will points out that he has proposed before. Santana: "Oh yeah, how did that marriage work out for you. I mean, what was your big move then, a jumbotron that said 'Hey Terri, I want to make a fake baby with you'?" Mercedes interrupts the heckling to ask about the first they met. Cut sideways to Will walking past Emma as she puts her nameplate on her door. He welcomes her to the school, and then they give each other a look as he walks away. Back in his office, Will tells the girls, "I'll never forget how I felt the first time I saw her." That gives Rachel the perfect idea.

Auditorium. The four girls from the scene are on stage, each in a little black dress, sitting on a stool. And they sing "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face." Each of them sings in turn, and as she sings, you get images of her thinking of her beloved. Rachel thinks of Finn, Tina thinks of Mike Chang, Santana thinks of Brittany, and Mercedes thinks of Sam. Because, duh, Sam's a total hottie and Shane's a total tool. As they finish, Will claps, and Mercedes, in tears, walks off the stage and into the bathroom.

Music room. The kids have called Artie there to stage a Becky-vention. He was seen with Becky at Breadstix, and they're trying to figure out what's going on. He tells them it's as simple as Becky asking him if he wanted to have dinner at Breadstix and him saying yes. Flashback to the night in question. Artie asks Becky what her favorite movie is. It's Schindler's List, with Toy Story 3 a close second. He asks what she wants to be when she grows up, and she tells him "five foot ten." Artie tells her he's really glad he's getting the chance to know her, because she's pretty cool. She tells him he should see her dance moves.

Back in the music room, Rachel tells Artie that they all think it's great he's being so nice to Becky. Santana interrupts: "I don't. I know that girl. That girl's a sly, conniving bitch." Mercedes and Finn warn Artie about the dangers of leading Becky on, and he calls them out on being narrow-minded jerks. "I like spending time with Becky. She knows what it's like to be trapped by a disability. She doesn't care what people think about her. She's really optimistic about life, which is really amazing considering what life has handed her." And then he indignantly wheels himself out of the room.

And now it's time for the gut-wrenching scene of the week. Finn walks into Will's classroom and is surprised to find Burt and Carole there (along with Will and Emma). Burt tells him that Will ratted him out on his plans to join the military. Finn's not thrilled that Will broke his confidence, but he's not too upset, since he was planning on telling his mother and step-father about his plans before long. Burt tells him that his plan had been for Finn to help run the garage while Burt is in Washington. Finn points out that he's not enlisting tomorrow, but that he feels an obligation to live up to the example of his father, who was a war hero.

And then Carole breaks it to Finn that while his father was brave and true, he didn't die in Iraq. He served there, but he died in Cincinnati. "I don't know if he did something or saw something or just lost his way, but he broke." He was dishonorably discharged due to a drug problem. He tried to get over it, mostly for Finn's sake, but he failed, and eventually overdosed. Finn is naturally devastated, and Burt tells him to try to take it in slowly. Carole tells Finn, "I see everything that was good in him, I see it all in you." Finn's furious that his mother lied to him for his entire life. She says that she was going to tell him when he was ready. Finn: "How ready? I mean, how do you think I could ever be ready for something like that?" He storms out. Great work from Romy Rosemont in that scene. Commercials.

By LTG

Becky strides down the hall with a royal voice-over: "Here am I, Becky Faye Jackson, about to seal the deal. Boo-yah! At this year's Special Olympics Ball, I'll have a medal around my neck and some man-candy on my arm. I absolutely rock." And then she walks up to Artie and tells him, "Hey hottie! My place. We're gonna do it." Artie's not following, so she tells him she just texted him "a taste of what you're gonna get on Friday night." The text arrives on Artie's phone, and it's pretty shocking.

By LTG

How shocking you ask? Shocking enough to send him straight to Sue, who looks at the text and says, "She's got a cute little shape." Artie tells Sue that he's freaking out. She asks him if Brit-Brit ever sent him any naughty photos, and he claims it's different. Sue asks him if he took her to dinner, and he cops to having a great time. And then Sue asks him if he wants to go out with Becky again, and he admits he doesn't. Sue: "Well here's a radical idea. Why don't you treat her like a real person, and tell her. Becky just wants to be treated like everybody else. You of all people should know that. So why don't you tell her the truth, so she can move on and date someone who doesn't sound like one of those weird puppets they bring around to the grade schools to teach kids about sexual predator? And for God's sake, could you maybe go one day without the driving gloves? It's a wheelchair, Artie, not a Porsche." Artie: "Are you finished?" Sue: "Stop buttoning your shirts up all the way like a demented 90-year old. You look like you're auditioning for the lead in your nursing home's stage production of Awakenings."

Will and Emma's house. Emma demonstrates why the Christmas tree is still up in mid-January -- she's taking off the decorations, a process that involves polishing each one before it is carefully stored in a tray. Will enters, and she tells him she's almost done. He points out that she started on New Year's Day. She asks him to take a seat at the dining room table, and then she asks him if he ever plans to marry her. He tells her that he does, but she knows there's a "but" coming. Will: "I love you. You know that. But what if we get married? What happens when we have a house, and a baby? How are you going to handle spit-up on your special Wednesday sweater? Sweetheart, you can't control another person. What if it's all just too much?" Never bet against the stupidity of Will Schuester. Of course he listened to Emma's hateful parents.

She tells him that she's taking her medication and doing everything she can, and he tells her that he knows it's not her fault, but "sometimes it just seems so hopeless." Emma: "Oh, okay. Can I promise you that I'm going to get better? No. This is what you get, you know. This incomplete person, with toothbrushes, and with rubber gloves, and with so much love for you." She's crying, nearly sobbing at this point. And then she pulls herself together, and continues, "But if that's not what you want, then you need to be honest with me, and with yourself. And the sooner the better." Wait, did I say that the earlier scene was this week's gut-wrenching scene? Use this commercial break to pull yourself together.

By LTG

Breadstix, pity party for three. Tears are the best sauce of all. Finn, Rachel and Kurt are sitting around talking about how much life sucks. Finn thinks his dreams never work out because he has loser DNA. Kurt's upset because he has no chance to get into the fake theater school, and Rachel's upset because the Internet gossip is that some people are already getting their letters that they're finalists for said fake school and she's heard nothing. Um, Kurt and Rachel? You should probably just shut up. Your concern over this fake school should probably take a back seat to the life-altering news Finn got about his dad. Kurt decides to take some inspiration from the Golden Girls and order a cheesecake.

Finn's still upset that Carole took what he thought was his father away from him. "Why can't I have something in my life that's special?" Kurt gives Rachel a small glance as Finn says that. But rather than get angry that Finn doesn't think she's something special, she starts to sing David Guetta's "Without You." It's in her head at Breadstix, but quickly turns into a performance in the music room. Everyone is giving each other loving, knowing glances during the performance. What they should be doing is staring at the denim and fur monstrosity that Kurt is wearing on his head. There's a really nice use of lighting that points out how much Finn and Rachel are focused in on each other, and then it turns literal as everybody else disappears from the room.

It's a really lovely performance, only slightly spoiled by Finn and Rachel making out at the end. But that gives Santana a chance to sarcastically praise Rachel for blowing the assignment out of the water, provided the assignment was "make everything about Rachel." Will thanks everyone for the great songs, and tells them he needs time to consider his choices.

Will creepily watches Emma scrub a coffee pot through a glass wall. And then he runs into Sam in the hallway, who tells him he has an idea for how to make the proposal big and special and worthy of Emma. Commercials.

By LTG

Emma's in her office putting out some new brochures ("Dying Alone," "Never Happily After," and "So You're a Spinster") when Will walks in and asks for a few minutes of her time. He leads her out into the hallway, where students start handing her white roses. As do Coach Beiste and Sue. She's got a dozen by the time she arrives at the pool, where the glee club and the Guppies are dancing around the edge of the pool while Rachel and Santana sing Rihanna's "We Found Love."

After a bit of singing, everyone jumps into the pool. Including Artie, who just wheels himself to the edge and throws himself in. Will puts Emma into a chair by the side of the pool and wanders off. Everybody except Rachel and Santana are in the water. They're all dressed in slightly old-timey bathing costumes, and are doing a very Esther Williams/Busby Berkeley number. It's not actually a whole choreographed number, but lots of cuts of various bits of movement and arrangements of human flesh, but it's still a ton of fun. And then Will appears at the other end of the pool, dressed in a white top hat and tails. He walks towards Emma across the surface of the water. You guys, all this time Will was Jesus and we didn't know. This is huge! Or, he's walking on something just under the surface of the water. And then he gets near the middle of the pool, dives in, and swims towards Emma. He's never getting the deposit back on that rental.

The song stops as Will emerges from the pool at Emma's feet, and the kids all gather around to hear him propose. It's mostly normal sentimental, romantic stuff, there's a nice moment where Will tells Emma that while it may be his job to balance her OCD, it's also her role to balance out his... oh, let's just say his stupidity. And then he pulls out the ring, goes down on one knee and proposes. And she says yes.

Artie wheels up to Becky at her locker and tells her that he really likes being her friend, but doesn't think they should date. Becky: "Is it because I'm too intimidating?" Artie does her the kindness of telling her that's the reason. Becky tells him she gets it and walks away. And then her royal voice-over takes over: "I didn't ask him what I wanted to ask him. I didn't ask if the reason he didn't want to be my boyfriend was because I have Down's. I didn't ask him because I know the answer is yes. Some days, it sucks being me. This is one of those days. Focus, Becky. Don't let them see you cry." While Helen Mirren's voice is wonderful here, this wouldn't work without Lauren Potter's ability to convey Becky's sadness through her face and body. It's really lovely. And did I say those other two scenes were the gut-wrenching scenes of this episode?

By LTG

In Sue's office, Sue hands Becky some tissues and tells her that a good cry is a good thing. Becky tells her that it hurts because she really liked him, and Sue points out that they both got dumped this week. So Sue thinks they should pull out some ice cream and watch "Lifetime Television for Ovaries" until Beaches comes on. And then Sue takes Becky's hand and tells her they'll get through it together. Good lord, I think I've developed an allergy to Sue's office.

Stage. Finn is looking at a picture of his father when Rachel walks up. She points out that he has his father's eyes, and his mouth a little bit. Finn tells her about how he would stare at his father's picture when he was a kid and convince himself that they were twins. She asks if he wanted to meet her to talk about his dad, and he tells her he wanted to talk about them. He reminds her of the picnic she put together for their first date. She remembers, and tells him she's never understood why he left so suddenly. I guess he never told her about the mailman.

He blames it on nerves, and points out that he's nervous at that very moment. He tells her he wants to talk to her about something, but only if she promises to shut her cake hole and not say a word until he's done. He tells her that he used to worry about whether he would become the man his father wanted him to be, and now he worries that he'll become the man his father actually was. He thinks the only thing that he's really got going for him in his life is Rachel. He thinks that if he can convince her to let him keep loving her, everything will be okay. And then he pulls out a ring and asks her to marry him. Holy crap.

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and insurance attorney, and a part-time star of the Aquacade. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.