Merry Wackmas!

S03E09

I'm not the only one who saw that, right? I mean, it wasn't just a hallucination caused by sleep deprivation or some bad cold medicine? Okay, assuming I didn't just imagine it all, here's what happened:

Sue asks New Directions to join her in volunteering (and singing a song) at the local homeless shelter. They agree, but throw those plans out the window when the local PBS station invites them to create their own Christmas special, with Artie in the director's chair. Sue's intermittent faith in humanity is crushed. Formerly homeless Sam and formerly heartless Quinn are also disappointed, and they bow out of the show.

The Christmas special itself is a weird, cracked-out recreation of a '60s era holiday special. Blaine and Kurt host everyone at their mid-century modern Swiss chalet, and every pair that arrives sings their own lovely song. And for some reason, Finn and Puck are dressed as unlicensed Luke Skywalker and Han Solo knockoffs. But the glib paean to commercialism is brought to a screeching halt when Rory (inspired by the example of Sam) pulls a Linus and reads the Christmas story from the Bible. This leads everyone to have a change of heart, and they rush over to the homeless shelter in time for the most condescending and insulting musical performance this show has ever seen. (And that's a pretty high bar.) I mean, really, singing "Do They Know It's Christmas" to a bunch of homeless people? That's just wrong.

The other tiny plot is that Rachel is disgustingly insistent that Finn get her some fancy, expensive presents for Christmas [even though she's Jewish - Ed.]. She rejects his initial gift of a pig that will feed a hungry African family, but Rory's Bible message gets through to her, and she and Finn decide to return the fancy gifts they buy each other and donate the cash to the needy.

And I got home from work three hours late tonight, and all the music is just standard Christmas fare, so I decided that your Christmas present to me will be not caring that I don't have the energy to give you links to all the songs. Thanks! But don't worry, there'll be a full set of links in the full recap.

Check out a video recap of this episode, courtesy of Hulu's The Morning After show:

Like most scripted television, episodes of Glee can generally be understood to fall somewhere on a spectrum that runs from "good" to "bad." Or "serious" to "cheesy." Or "sincere" to "ironic." But I think this episode is on some kind of spectrum we've never seen before. A spectrum that's not normally detectable by human senses. A spectrum that's probably only really understood by theoretical physicists. Or devotees of psychedelic mushrooms. I mean, it doesn't make sense in the Glee universe, and it certainly doesn't make sense in our universe. Which isn't to say there aren't some moments of pure delight, along with some moments of embarrassing failure. But mostly, I watched this episode with my jaw on the floor, hoping that someone was aware I was having a seizure and that the paramedics were on their way.

Also, my cat somehow managed to damage the 'u' key on my keyboard. I think he's mad 'cause I kept calling him a pussy.

We open straight on some music. Mercedes is singing Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" while she hangs ornaments on a Christmas tree in the music room. Everybody else is there, and they all start dancing around with candy canes and wrapping paper. All you Mercedes/Sam shippers out there will be happy to hear that at one point she wraps a garland boa around his neck and sings the title lyrics to him. That should certainly make Demian happy. The song ends with Rachel and Finn kissing under the mistletoe (thoughtfully provided by Mercedes), and we cut to the title card.

Hallway. Rachel cheerfully approaches Finn and tells him, "Here's my list!" Finn: "I thought we agreed the 'things we did wrong last week' list was hurting more than helping." Rachel tells him she made him a Christmas list because she heard he was having trouble figuring out what to get her.

Flash back to the boys' locker room, where Finn is telling everybody present that he can't figure out what to get Rachel for Christmas. Everybody makes moronic suggestions, while Puck just tells them he's glad he's Jewish so he doesn't have this problem. Or maybe he points out that Rachel is Jewish, so Finn should be worrying more about Hanukkah and less about Christmas. Or maybe what he really does is tell them he's glad he doesn't have a high-maintenance girlfriend. Whichever one is least connected to the established facts of the show, go with that one. And then we see Kurt peek around the corner, clearly having heard the entire thing.

By LTG

Present day. Finn asks Rachel who told her about his problem: "Kurt?" Rachel: "No." Kurt (walking by): "Yes." Finn's freaking out because the list is so long and so expensive. Rachel tells him that he just has to get her one inexpensive present for every night of Hanukkah. Or maybe she tells him that just being with him is enough to make her happy. Or maybe she tells him to pick five out of the fifteen items on the list. She also tries to get sympathy, telling him that when she hears whether or not she's a finalist for the fake NYC drama school, she'd like to be wearing a Christmas bauble for good luck. She tells him that he can make a list, and he responds that all he really wants for Christmas is her. Rachel: "Aw, all I want for Christmas is you, too. And five things on that list."

Sue's office. She addresses the three boys sitting in front of her as "Wheels. Porcelain. Other Gay." By which she means Artie, Kurt and Blaine. Why is Blaine there? Has he ever even spoken with Sue before? Sue tells them that in the spirit of forgiveness, "I have decided to forgive you for having no talent and ruining the American songbook, one mash-up at a time. I've also forgiven you for forcing me to run in, and promptly lose, a humiliating state-wide election." So they let people from Ohio's other seventeen congressional districts vote in that special election? That's an interesting system. After Artie awkwardly accepts Sue's forgiveness, she continues: "Now Christmas isn't just a time when Jewish kids get slightly uncomfortable and dwarves get jobs as Santa's helpers in demeaning non-union commercials that make them quietly die inside." Apparently, the Jewish kids get so uncomfortable that they forget they're Jewish. Sue tells them it's also the time of year to give back, so she's decided to volunteer at a homeless shelter that Friday night, and she'd like New Directions to sing to the assembled masses. Kurt and Artie remind her that she's referred to the homeless as "urban campers." Sue asks "Stumbles, Gelfling, Young Burt Reynolds" if she can be honest with them. Blaine, who has not a line in this scene, is oddly pleased to be Young Burt Reynolds. If this means we get a centerfold in Cosmo, I'm all for it. Sue's honesty consists of reminding them that her sister died, and she's just looking for a way to stay busy on her first Christmas alone. Kurt, on behalf of the ten or so people not in the room, accepts the invitation to sing at the shelter. Sue: "Fantastic! And now, in the spirit of Christmas, get the hell out of my office."

By LTG

Rachel, Santana and Mercedes are admiring the music room Christmas tree. Rachel thinks it's fabulous, even if they did spend their entire decorating budget for the year. They get a decorating budget? For the music room? Y'all, this school has some really messed up priorities. And then Finn introduces Rory and everybody sits down. And Mumbles the Leprechaun just wants to tell them all that it's his first Christmas away from his family, which makes him sad. So he sings Elvis Presley's "Blue Christmas." As he finishes, Santana congratulates him on bumming everybody out, and Rachel suggests they should focus on the happy aspects of Christmas. Tina reminds everybody how sad last year was, what with Kurt being at Dalton and Sue trashing the music room. And then Tina really brings me down by casually telling us that Artie's mechanical legs broke right after Christmas. Oh well, Coach Beiste didn't need that $50,000 very much anyway. And then Will bursts into the room to break the news that since the local PBS station can no longer afford to air the Yule Log on Christmas Eve, they've offered the Glee Club their very own Christmas special. And they've agreed to let Artie direct. He's doubtful -- not because he's never even been in a TV studio, but because he swore he would never sell out and do TV. We end the scene on Rachel's threateningly extend finger, which suggests to me that if Artie screws up her chances at a TV special, he'll be losing a lot more than just his mechanical legs this year.

Hallway. Rory's books all fall out of his locker. Sam runs up to help him pick them up, and offers to show him his secret book stacking technique. Which Rory needs to know, because in Ireland, all books are shaped like cubes. And they're made of peat. Sam notices all the family pix in Rory's locker, and commiserates about being away from family. Sam asks Rory what he's doing for the holiday. Rory: "I don't know. Brittany and her family are going to see a gay Santa. Something about Santa Fe." Oh, Rory, you so Irish. Sam invites Rory to join him on the drive to Kentucky, and offers to be his Christmas sponsor. I know it's all about the actor's single facial expression (squinty eyes, tender smile) and not the writing, but Rory so looks like he's dreaming of unwrapping Sam's package for Christmas. Needless to say, he accepts the invitation.

The PBS station manager is meeting with Artie to discuss the special. And the meeting is taking place as they pedeconference down the hallway of the school. As are most PBS meetings, I understand. The station manager is thrilled that a differently-abled teenage boy is directing the special: "You're like a modern-day Tiny Tim." Artie agrees to let that slide, provided the station manager gives in to two iron-clad demands. "The first one came to me last night in a dream." And then Artie looks up and off to the left, just as the camera whisks us away to his dream. And said dream involves Artie in a full classroom while Chewbacca tells him (in Wookie, of course, with subtitles), "It's not Christmas without Chewbacca, Artie." Back in the hallway, Artie tells the station manager that the Wookie was right -- a Christmas special that doesn't call back to the notorious "Star Wars Holiday Special" is woefully lacking. Artie also insists that the special be shot in black and white, as an homage to the second-greatest holiday special of all time, "The Judy Garland Christmas Show." Two observations: First, I really wish they had more closely aped the Judy Garland special, because it would have meant Burt and Carol hosting a quiet family night while everybody dropped by, and we could have seen Kurt and Blaine do a number in which Kurt was desperately starving for Burt's approval. Second, I watched that entire special to prepare for this recap, and those dancing, high-kicking Santas are going to haunt my nightmares. Anyway, the station manager will give in to any demand Artie has, as long as he can make the special for less than $800. Commercials.

And then we come back to the auditorium, completely decked out with fake snow and Christmas trees, where Rachel is singing Joni Mitchell's "River." And then Artie tells her that if she thinks she's going to perform that depressing song on his Christmas special, she's got another think coming. She demands to know exactly what he's planning, and he tells us: "We begin in the Swiss Alps, in the village of Gstaad, in the perfectly appointed living room of Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson's chic, swank chalet." After describing the holiday decor, Artie tells them, "Kurt and Blaine, the perfects hosts, have invited their friends to drop in for an evening of Noel Cowardesque banter and fun, happy, cheer-filled songs." Rachel: "Are you telling me I'm not invited to Kurt and Blaine's for Christmas?" Artie: "Not unless you pick a happier song." He also tells them that the special will end with Rory, dressed as Itchy the Christmas Elf, reading the story of "Frosty the Snowman." Sam points out that Frosty's not exactly a happy story, seeing as how he dies at the end. Artie plans a rewrite, but Sam stands up to defend the idea of keeping the sad and melancholy in Christmas, since that's part of what holidays are about. But Artie insists that everybody buy into his vision of a super-cheerful Christmas. But Sam won't buy into it -- in fact, he's going to leave that minute to ring a bell downtown. Did he get a job as a hunchback? Oh, no, he's just going to collect for charity. He invites Rory to join him, but Rory is too tempted by the thought of playing Itchy the Christmas Elf, and he decides to stick around with the rest of the group.

Hallway. Finn gives Rachel some sympathy over her song getting rejected. But she's determined to get a song in the special, since it's her Christian duty to share her talents with the world. What? Look, just deal with it, she's not Jewish this week. And then she starts fishing for Finn to give her one of her Christmas presents early -- namely, some earrings that will sparkle under the television lights. Finn is perfectly happy to give her an early present, and he hands her a card. It does not contain the world's flattest diamonds. Instead, it has a picture of the pig he's adopted for her that will feed an African family for a month. Rachel: "You gave me a dead pig for Christmas?" Finn: "No, it's not dead yet, you gotta get it fat first." Rachel takes a deep breath and manages not to kill Finn. Instead, she tells him to try again, but to stick with the list. "All I want is what's coming to me. All I want is my fair share." Rachel Berry, I've met Sally Brown. I've worked with Sally Brown. Sally Brown was a friend of mine. And you, lady, are no Sally Brown.

Music room. Blaine and Rachel sing "Extraordinary Merry Christmas," which is a Glee original. Artie approves the upbeat tone. And then Sue comes in to thank them for singing at the homeless shelter on Friday. Except that Friday is also the night they have to perform the special. And they're clearly picking fame over charity. Sue is upset that they're going to let everybody down. Rachel tells her that they're not letting them down, they're just going to distract them from their horrible lives with top-quality holiday entertainment. Sue: "The homeless don't have TVs." Sue is clearly angry and hurt, but she does not kill them all with a shotgun. After she leaves the room, Artie pumps everyone up for a cheerful performance. They all smile and clap, except for Quinn, who looks awfully sad. Commercials.

And then we come back to the title screen for the TV special. On a starry backdrop, a title tells us that it's "a long time ago in a chalét [sic] far away." And the announcer tells us "Live, from Lima, Ohio, it's the 'Glee Holiday Spectacular.'" Really? Live? Also, there's a Wookie cry. The credits introduce to all of the stars in groups of two or three, including "Mike Chang and Tina Cohen-Chang, no relation." And the special is brought to us by BreadstiX, "now with even more bread sticks." After the credits, everything is in black and white. The special opens just like Judy Garland's did, with the clapboard slate and Blaine sitting in the window seat, where he sings a song. He and Kurt sing a really upbeat version of the classic "Let It Snow." The set is a really amazing recreation of the set from the Garland special, with classic mid-century modern decor and a big fireplace in the middle of the room. The budget was clearly a fantasy, since one of those period lamps probably cost a couple of hundred dollars. Also, just like the Garland special, this song goes on for way too long. Did I mention that they're in suits? And that Blaine is wearing a bow tie? I mean, it probably goes without saying. We also get Kurt and Blaine (Kurt's "best friend and holiday roommate") welcoming the audience to their bachelor chalet and inviting us in through the front door. Less in keeping with the Garland special but more in line with other TV of the time are the unbearably cheesy jokes and amped-up laugh track. We also get a modern shout out as Kurt excuses himself to check on his online bid in the auction of Elizabeth Taylor's jewels. Which was actually happening the Tuesday night this episode was airing in the U.S. How very meta!

And then the doorbell rings. Why, it's Kurt and Blaine's good friends, Rachel Berry and Mercedes Jones. Their surprised reaction to being on television is a callback to Liza's entrance in Judy's special. They exchange presents, and Mercedes gives Kurt the very same Liz Taylor necklace he was going to bid on. He declares it a Christmas miracle, but Mercedes tells the audience that it's more like a Christmas knockoff. And if I may say, Mercedes looks fantastic in the special. And Rachel gives Blaine a bow tie with little Christmas trees on it, but in the reverse colors of the one he's wearing. And then Rachel and Mercedes, joined by the boys, sing "My Favorite Things," from The Sound of Music. While I agree with the complaints that this isn't really a Christmas song, it's worth pointing out that tons of the music in the Judy Garland special had absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. And then Blaine, in the special, throws us to the very real commercials.

We come back as Kurt gives the girls the punchline to what appears to be a jizz joke. Blaine worries about the weather, and Kurt gives us a PSA for global climate change. And then Mercedes, in the kind of flat voice a cult member would use, tells us, "I think these are the end times." They worry that the snow will keep Santa Claus from delivering their presents. And then they hear jingle bells. But instead of Santa, it's Puck and Finn. Finn is dressed as Luke Skywalker (complete with light saber) and Puck is Han Solo. Of course, they declaim any intended similarity for copyright purposes. Both of them are hilariously bad actors. But it's not long before they launch into Bruce Springsteen's version of "Santa Clause Is Coming to Town." And then the doorbell rings again. It's Mike Chang, Brit-Brit, Santana and Tina, along with the Cheerios, all dressed as sexy Santa. (I mean, Mike's not. Much to my chagrin. He's dressed as normal, unsexy Santa.) And they do a ribbon dance as Brit sings the Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping." Or rather, a cut down, chopped up, butchered version of the song. Which I guess I understand, since it is a five-minute song. But they could have used other things here in its place. (Anyway, the version of the song on iTunes is complete.)

And then Rory, ringing a bell and dressed as Itchy the Christmas Elf, enters the room. Even though it's black and white, you can absolutely tell that his outfit is green. He's introduced as being there to read Frosty, but he goes off script and tells them he'd rather read from a different book. And then he says "Lights, please," and reads the King James translation of Luke's version of the Christmas story. Rory, I knew Linus van Pelt. I worked with Linus van Pelt. Linus van Pelt was a friend of mine. And you, sir, are no Linus van Pelt. Also, isn't it sad that a five- or six-year old child, whose speech likely had to be edited together because he couldn't do it all in one take, gives a more emotionally resonant (not to mention comprehensible) performance of this speech than Rory? Also, that somehow during that fairly short story, Rory's legs grew so weak that he had to sit down? The camera pulls out through the window of the special's set, and we cut to commercials.

Homeless shelter. Some guy plays the piano badly while Sam and Quinn work the serving line with Sue. They're worried that there might not be enough food, what with the hard economic times. Quinn's sweater is so fuzzy it should be wearing a hair net. And then the Glee Club (complete with Will and Emma) enters, carrying with them the food that was cooked for the show. Sam is glad they came, and Finn gives the credit to Rory, who turns around and gives it right back to Sam. I swear to God, the show wants me to have erotic dreams about these two. Artie tells Sue that they also have a song. It was going to wrap up the special, but they ended up getting preempted for ten minutes of the Yule log. And then they sing "Do They Know It's Christmas 1984." You guys, I was 14 when this song came out, and it totally still pulls my adolescent, do-gooder heartstrings. By which I mean to say, I'm in the bag for this song, despite the stupid lyrics. (I mean, yes, they know it's Christmas -- they're lacking food, not calendars. Also, there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime. There's never snow in Africa at Christmastime. It's Africa.) But as much as I love it, this performance is so offensive. It's one thing to sing this to a bunch of well-off people to remind them that other people don't have it so well, and to guild the well-off into getting off their asses to do something. That's why I don't mind the line, "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you." But you can't sing this song to people whose plight you're trying to call attention to. That basically changes the meaning of the lyric to "tonight I thank God it's you instead of me." Which is really crappy thing to say. Also, you can't sing this song with big sappy smiles on your face. Jerks. So at the end of the song, the assembled homeless rise up and tear their oppressors limb from limb. I guess that's the end of Glee.

Unfortunately, not only do the homeless not kill them, there are still more scenes to go. But only after some ads.

Hallway. So, that didn't all happen the Friday night before Christmas? Which means that in addition to being homeless, these poor people are forced to eat their Christmas dinner over week before Christmas? Anyway, Finn and Rachel find each other in the hallway. Rachel tells Finn that she named her pig. The pig is named Barbra. She has her own Tumblr. Anyway, Rachel tells Finn, "I just hope the pig Barbra inspires all the kids who eat her just as much as the real Barbra inspires me." You guys, I think Rachel has Barbra Streisand chained up in her basement, and she's eating her a piece at a time. Rachel apologizes, and then Finn gives her a different present. He had a star named. But not after her, since she's already a star. It's named after him. I think Finn is regifting something an uncle gave him. Oh, and Finn sold his letter jacket and bought Rachel some diamond earrings. Or maybe they're diamondique. In a goldique setting. Rachel is all verklempt, and decides she needs to give back.

Sam and Rory are ringing bells to a kettle. Not a euphemism. They're in the busy downtown Lima shopping district. Rory says the bells make him homesick: "My brother Seamus gets lost all the time, so my dad made him wear a bell around his neck so we could always find him." And then Rory asks Sam to be his Valentine's Day sponsor. Damn it, writers, stop making impossible to see anything but gay subtext in every single relationship on this show. Rory claims he wants Sam's help to get dates with girls. Sure. And then Finn hits Sam in the nards with a snowball. He and Rachel are there to donate all the cash they got from returning the earrings and the iPod Rachel gave Finn. And then there's a holiday rush of people getting out of a screening of It's a Wonderful Life. So now Lima has its own repertory cinema? For a horrible little hole, it sure seems like it's got a lot of great culture going on. In the crush of people giving money, you can hear Rachel wish somebody a Happy Hanukkah. Isn't that nice, she's being sensitive to other religions.

So, on the spectrum from streetlamp to asparagus, I give this episode three elephant tusks. On behalf of me and Demian, have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, kwazy Kwanza, tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. (I mean, you'll be celebrating that Ramadan summer. These glad tidings will just have to hold you until then.)

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and insurance attorney and a part-time ribbon dancer. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.

By LTG

Unfortunately, not only do the homeless not kill them, there are still more scenes to go. But only after some ads.

By LTG

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and insurance attorney and a part-time ribbon dancer. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.