The girls of the Troubletones are upset that they missed their chance to perform the songs of Michael Jackson, so New Directions decides to prepare some more MJ for Regionals. But they don't count on Blaine stupidly spilling the beans to Sebastian, who convinces the Warblers to steal New Directions' thunder by singing some MJ before their rivals can. The two groups decide to settle things with the second gayest musical rumble ever filmed, which Sebastian ends by slushying Blaine. Unfortunately, this particular slushy scratches Blaine's cornea, necessitating surgery. This leads to an enraged group of teen singers (Artie in particular) looking for ways to get revenge. Kurt convinces Santana that violence is not the way to go, so she cleverly tapes a recorder to her underboob and records a confession from Sebastian in which he admits to putting rock salt in the slushy. But Kurt decides that even getting Sebastian expelled is too much (allegedly because he wants to beat Sebastian, not just get even with him), so he invites the Warblers to McKinley to be sung to. And New Directions is so good that all the Warblers but Sebastian joining them on stage.
And a few other minor things happen. Mercedes and Sam kiss. Quinn gets admitted to Yale. Kurt is a finalist for the fictional theater school. Rachel, who's already reeling from Finn's unexpected proposal, doesn't hear from said school when Kurt does, leading to lots of tears. And to her accepting Finn's proposal. (Yes, you read that right. Stupid teenagers.) And then, at the very end, Rachel gets her stupid letter telling her she's a finalist. Whatever will she do?
Featuring a shitload of Michael Jackson (or Jackson Five) songs, including: "Bad," performed by New Directions and the Warblers; "Ben, performed by Kurt, Rachel, and Finn; "Black or White," performed by New Directions; "Human Nature," performed by Mercedes and Sam; "I Just Can't Stop Loving You," performed by Finn and Rachel; "Never Can Say Goodbye," performed by Quinn; "Scream," performed by Artie and Mike Chang; "Smooth Criminal," performed by Sebastian and Santana; and "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'," performed by Blaine and the New Directions.
Watch the hosts of Hulu's The Morning After Show rank the songs in this episode:
Just to get this out of the way -- yes, Michael Jackson may or may not have molested kids. Not having been there, I don't really know. I do know that he became royally fucked up as he turned from that cute little boy into the freak show we saw him become, and anybody who contributed to that should feel really guilty. I also know, as this episode reminded me, that he has lots of great music in his catalog. So let's dive right in.
Stairwell. Santana (accompanied by fellow Troubletones Mercedes and Brit-Brit) tell Blaine and Kurt that the only reason New Directions won at Sectionals was because Tickles the Clown was high as a kite, but Kurt thinks it's really because New Directions performed the music of Michael Jackson (forgetting to mention that their performance featured the music of some other Jacksons, but whatevs). Mercedes is pissed because that Sectionals performance was apparently the one and only time this year the glee club will be allowed to perform Michael. Mr. Schue breaks into the conversation (which is still all in the hallway) to tell them that they could do some more Michael at Regionals. If he's already thinking about songs for Regionals, doesn't that mean the competition is tomorrow? Anyway, Blaine has the perfect idea for the MJ song they could perform at Regionals. And then he and his yellow pants break into "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'," right there in the hallway. And then on into the library, picking up the rest of New Directions (sans Sugar Motta). And then to the stage, where everybody is wearing Michael-appropriate costumes, including a spangly jacket for Blaine. Everybody gets a small dance solo (and Kurt is looking fine in some black leather pants -- the show's going to have to address the fact that he's turning into sex on a stick). And there are a couple of random dancers doing flips all over the stage. And then it's the title card.
Finn approaches Rachel in the hallway, telling her that it's been three days to the minute since he proposed to her, which is the amount of time she said it would take her to give him an answer. Rachel, you were supposed to use those three days to get him committed... or at least to get his mother to talk some sense into him. Instead of telling him how stupid he's being, she hems and haws about this not being the kind of decision you can make so quickly. Especially when you're STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL! She also reassures him that she loves him and wants to marry him "someday," but that he's pushing things really fast, and she doesn't get why. He points out that even if she doesn't get into Fictional Drama School, she's still going to move to New York, and she reminds him that she wants him to come with her. Finn just thinks their life together will be easier if they're wearing wedding rings. She starts to give him her answer, and he stops her and asks her to take a couple more days to think about it.
Lima Bean. A bunch of the glee kids are sitting around a table, and Blaine asks them all to share their favorite Michael Jackson memory. Since they were all born in the early to mid-'90s, I don't quite buy that these kids would have any memories of Michael Jackson, unless he opened a branch of the Neverland Ranch in Ohio and had some of them over for sleepovers. Artie and Kurt share some memories, and then Rachel throws cold water on the party by telling them that she never really got MJ. Artie and Kurt are bumfuzzled, but she defends herself by noting that she agrees he's an amazing performer, but she's "never bonded with him the way I have with Barbra or either of the Stephens." To Artie's quizzical glance, she clarifies: "Sondheim. Schwartz." To ward off Santana's threats of violence, Rachel agrees that some MJ might be the right idea for Regionals, since everybody else is so excited. And then Sebastian comes over to their table and tells them it's not such a great idea because the Warblers are doing MJ at Regionals. And they're doing MJ at Regionals precisely because they're performing first, and Sebastian thought it would be a good idea to mess with New Directions. Rachel asks how he knew that New Directions was planning a Jackson number, and Sebastian tells them that he learned it from Blaine just that morning during a little early morning phone chat. Blaine, you are so busted. Santana thinks it's time to show Sebastian a little Lima Heights hospitality, but he tells her it's probably not that good an idea, since his father is the state's attorney. How the hell does an Ohio prosecutor earn enough to send Blaine to Dalton? And if his father works for the state, what was Blaine doing living in Ohio. I'm calling shenanigans! Anyways, Sebastian tells them, "I'm captain of the Warblers now, and I'm tired of playing nice." What happened to the council? Did he stage a coup?
The kids all storm into the music room, trying to think of some way to reclaim MJ for their own performance. Blaine points out that they had their entire set list stolen for their first Sectionals and still managed to win that, so this should be no big deal. But Artie thinks the theft of Michael is a lot worse than stealing Dreamgirls or Journey. Puck's not sure he wants to have this conversation with Blaine, that "modern-day Eggs Benedict" in the room. Finn suddenly makes up the fact that the Warblers are the second best glee club in the state (after Vocal Adrenaline, natch), so they really need to bring it if they want a chance to go to Nationals. He wants to figure out how to beat them. Will enters the room and agrees with him: "I'm less interested in our set list right now, and more interested in getting us in the right mindset to crush those guys." This is such a switch from all those other times that Will has been so worried about their set list. And speaking of consistent characterization, Will has a lesson for the week. It's "WWMJD." This episode would be more fun if he was asking what Mary J. would do. But no, it's "What would Michael Jackson do?" Um, hide out in a hyperbaric chamber on a remote ranch with Webster and a pet monkey? Finn and Artie disagree with me -- they think MJ would fight back, just like he did when MTV refused to show the video for "Billy Jean." Blaine thinks Michael would take it to the streets.
Parking garage. Night. The Warblers come walking across the concrete floor, where they are met by Blaine and Santana in hoodies. They've invited the Warblers there for a Jackson-off, winner take all. Sebastian insults their public school math skills for thinking the two of them can take on the mighty Warbler Army when Auntie Snix snaps her fingers and the rest of New Directions joins them. And then the Warblers start singing the backup for "Bad," while New Directions (mostly Artie, Blaine, and Santana) gets the actual lyrics. And there's all kinds of super-nelly, sub-West Side Story fight-dancing. New Directions singing the actual song while the Warblers sing the instrumental bits doesn't seem like a very fair competition. Anyway, while they're singing and dancing, the Warblers are passing a paper bag around. As the song finishes, Sebastian reaches into the bag and pulls out a Slushy, which he proceeds to throw in Blaine's face. Causing Blaine to drop to the ground and scream like a baby while the Warblers walk away. Commercials.
Music room. Kurt enters to tell the kids that Blaine's cornea is deeply scratched, and he's going to require surgery. Will is shocked, since he's never known of a Slushy causing that kind of damage. Finn thinks it's because Sebastian put something in the Slushy, but Will tells him that without evidence, an accusation like that won't really get them anywhere. He also tells us that he and Maharishi Figgins spoke with Dalton's headmaster, and he's opening an investigation. Will wants the kids to sit back and let the system deal with Sebastian. Artie thinks that isn't good enough, so he has a fantasy in which he and Mike Chang dance and sing "Scream." Two observations. First, it's kind of sad that the second best male dancer on this show so rarely gets to show his stuff. Second, Mike Chang is really rocking the guyliner. (The vinyl pants don't hurt.) So, Will tells Artie to take a break from glee until he gets his anger under control. Unless maybe that was part of Artie's fantasy. Who can tell?
The Novak. Rachel enters and nervously tells Quinn that she needs advice about "an adult problem." Quinn immediately worries that Rachel's pregnant, but Rachel tells her that's not the problem. Quinn agrees to keep whatever it is a secret, so Rachel drops the bomb on Quinn that the guy who broke up with her twice to date Rachel has proposed to her. Quinn, apparently in the "good sense" part of her neurological cycle, tells her that she can't say yes. Rachel points out that plenty of people their age get married. Yes, plenty of stupid people. (Dear Angry Letter Writers: I don't care if everything worked out great for you. Getting married at 18 is not a smart idea.) Quinn responds by handing Rachel a letter -- it's Quinn's acceptance to Yale. Quinn's point in handing the letter to Rachel is this: "I've dated Finn, Puck, Sam. Even thought I loved some of them. But by the time the snow falls in New Haven winter, I won't know why." Rachel asks if Quinn is suggesting that she break up with Finn. Quinn tells her that there's nothing wrong with making the best of the few months, but that she shouldn't want to drag "an anchor from the past" into her amazing future. Look, Finn's gotten a little puffy, but I don't think he's heavy enough to hold a ship in place. She thinks that if Rachel really wants to be happy, she's going to have to say goodbye.
Which is a perfect segue to Quinn singing "Never Can Say Goodbye." It's all in her head, and she's briefly joined on stage by Puck, Finn, and Sam, in turn. And then she's singing to all the pictures in her locker, and then she finishes the song up in the music room (clearly not all in her head by this time). At the end of the song, Will has her announce her Yale news. And she thanks them for all her love and support through all of her hard times. She's pretty much looking right at Rachel when she tells them, "You can't change your past, but you can let go and start your future." Commercials.
Santana walks down the hallway and sees Kurt sitting alone in an empty classroom. She enters and asks him what's going on. Kurt: "Trying to keep the flames from shooting out the side of my face." Santana: "Well, that outfit isn't helping." I agree -- Kurt's wearing the dullest thing I've ever seen him in. It's just a grey, white, and black sweater. Kurt tells her that he's thinking of ways to get even with, "Sebastian, the criminal chipmunk." Auntie Snix suggests they tie him up, take him to a tattoo parlor, and get him a "tramp stamp that reads 'Tips Appreciated' or 'Congratulations, you're my thousandth customer.'" Kurt really wanted to hurt Sebastian, but he's fought too hard against violent bullying to stoop to his level. Auntie Snix agrees with Prancy Smurf, since she wants to go to a college that isn't a FEMA trailer in a prison yard. So they'll take the high road, but she still thinks they can beat him.
Sam summons Mercedes to the auditorium via text message. When she gets there, he's put her name up in lights, so she can see what it will look like when she's famous. She calls him crazy, and he tells her he's crazy about her. Then he asks her to sing one duet with him. Afterwards, she can go back to Shane and he'll stop annoying her. She refuses and starts to walk away, but he starts playing "Human Nature," and she can't resist. They sound great together, and she eventually joins him on stage. And after the song is over, they kiss. Sucks to be you, Shane. But really, have you seen Sam's body? You were never gonna win.
Spanish class. Wait, they take classes at this school? When did that start? Will is writing something on the board when Burt enters to pull Kurt out of class. Kurt runs out into the hallway, thinking that something is wrong with Blaine. But Blaine's fine -- the reason Burt is there is that Kurt got a letter from the Fictional Drama School. Cut to Kurt and Burt walking into the empty music room. Kurt thinks he's at a crossroads. Does that mean he plans to remake Crossroads, with him, Blaine, and Sebastian going on a road trip? I hope not. He really means that is future is about to be decided. And what is decided (after he opens the letter) is that he's a finalist for the Fictional Drama School. After hollering and hugging Kurt, Burt asks, "Who's gonna tell Blaine? You gotta let me do it!" Aw, I bet Burt started picking out their china pattern after their first date. Burt's so proud to be Kurt's father, because he's overcome everything that was thrown at him.
By LTG
Kurt runs down the hall to tell Rachel that he got his letter. She's happy for him, until he asks what her letter said, and she tells him she didn't get one. But maybe that's just because her fathers don't deliver her mail to school for her. I mean, unless she's got a spy camera in the mailbox, I'm not sure how Rachel knows what letters she did or did not receive today. Kurt tries to reassure her, but she's certain she didn't make it to the finals. She thinks she doesn't have a future, and that all she has is Finn. Lea Michele is really good at crying. Commercials.
Blaine's bedroom. He's in bed, wearing an eyepatch and some fetching pajamas, while Kurt reads to him from some celebrity rag. Rachel and Finn knock and enter. Rachel comes bearing cutely wrapped containers of chicken noodle soup, while Finn has some movies that feature eyepatches. Blaine thanks them, and then chooses that moment to make a toast to Kurt for getting into Fictional Drama School. Finn asks when the surgery is. You mean it hasn't already happened? Unless Blaine is taking some serious pain meds, why is he not at school? I don't think an eyepatch requires you to swan about in bed like an invalid. Anyway, the surgery is this week, and Blaine is scared, blah, blah, blah. But mostly he's sad to be missing MJ week. So they decide to bring MJ week to him, and start singing "Ben." I have to admit, I've always wanted to hear Kurt sing this song. And yet... now that I'm hearing it, I really can't stop thinking about the fact that it's a love song to a telepathic, murderous rat. Really. Instead of Kurt, Finn, and Rachel singing it, picture Crispin Glover. And instead of Blaine, picture a giant rat, but still wearing pajamas and an eyepatch. Just because I can picture Crispin Glover dressing Ben up like that. (By the way, that video of Crispin Glover singing this song is totally not for the musophobic. Lots of rats, crawling out of lots of cleavage, is what I'm saying. Also by the way, I wonder how Crispin Glover feels about James Franco having replaced him as America's favorite acting weirdo?)
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Hallway. Rachel walks up to Kurt's locker and silently shows him the envelope she received from Fictional Drama School. And she's also a finalist. So they hug, and then she realizes that she's made a horrible mistake by accepting Finn's proposal.
LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and benefits attorney and a part-time moon walker. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.
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