More Placenta?

S02E19

Sue and the Honeybadger have come up with a perfect plan to destroy Will and the Glee Club. They convince April Rhodes to come back to McKinley to enlist Will's help in creating a musical based on her own life, on the theory that April will then be able to tempt Will away from Ohio to the Great White Way. The other part of the plan involves restarting the school paper (The Muckraker) to fuel the flames of gossip, thereby breeding dissent among the Glee Club ranks.

The second part of the plan is pretty successful. Blind items about Santana playing for the other team and Quinn and Sam making out cause fighting in the ranks. This leads to people spying on each other. Rachel and Finn see Sam and Kurt exiting a no-tell motel, causing speculation that Kurt is cheating on Blaine. And the night, they see Quinn and Sam exiting the same motel, while Jewfro sees Finn and Rachel hanging out in his car. So that leads to more fighting and jealousy. But it turns out that Kurt and Quinn were each at the motel to help Sam out, because familial unemployment has caused his entire family to have to move into a single motel room. Learning about Sam's difficulty helps most of the kids forget their differences and come together in song.

But only most of the kids, because Artie gets upset with Brit-Brit's naiveté and calls her stupid, leading the two of them to break up. You'd think that Santana would be thrilled with that, and she is at first, even singing a love song to Brit. But Brit doesn't want love songs sung in empty rooms -- she wants a relationship out of the closet. And Santana breaks her heart by backing out of their planned internet announcement of their relationship and planting rumors about her own sexual exploits with Karofsky.

The first part of the League of Doom's plot doesn't seem to go as well. Will enjoys singing with April, and Emma actually encourages him to follow his own dreams instead of sacrificing them for the sake of the kids. But he is steadfast in his desire to see the kids through to Nationals. But at the very end, he looks like he may be having second thoughts. Could this be the end of the dream?

Featuring the music of Fleetwood Mac's 1977 album, Rumours, including "Don't Stop," performed by the entire club, "Dreams," performed by Will and April Rhodes, "Go Your Own Way," performed by Rachel, "I Don't Want To Go," performed by Finn and Quinn, "Never Going Back Again," performed by Artie (with backup from the McKinley Guitar Ensemble), and "Songbird," performed by Santana. I blame the Clintons for this shit. Fortunately for me, Demian gets to deal with it in the full recap. -- LTG

Listen to a preview of the songs from the upcoming prom episode.

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With absolutely no warning whatsoever, we find ourselves flung into the opening credits of Brittany S. Pierce's exuberant new YouTube-based chat show, Fondue For Two, and while I'm tempted to claim that the aggravating vintage Casio drum kit riff is the worst thing about it -- and by "worst," I of course mean "fantabulously best" -- that particular prize must go instead to the outfit our dear little Brit-Brit's sporting at the moment: A nightmarish 1980s one-piece denim jumpsuit accessorized with a rainbow belt held together by a yellow double-apple buckle, and despite my inexcusable fondness for it at the moment, I swear to the sweet baby Jesus that if this show makes this ensemble trendy again, I will hunt down all those responsible and shoot each and every one of them in the face. That belt! Fucking hell.

Anyway, Fondue For Two, as its hostess announces, combines the two things Brittany likes the most: "Hot cheese, and talking to people." I was going to attempt a "drippy sticks she can put in her mouth and pussy" joke here, but I thought the better of it, mainly because Brittany's pussy doesn't make its entrance until the end of the segment. In any event, Brittany's inaugural guests are McKinley High's "biggest gossips," Mercedes and Single-T Tina, the latter of whom quite correctly wonders, "Shouldn't it be Fondue For Three?" Brit-Brit just blankly shakes her head in response to this while Mercedes nearly gags on a tremendous wad of too-hot cheese and bread, which she then proceeds to hork out onto a plate. Lovely. "So!" Brittany smiles, completely ignoring the decidedly unladylike shenanigans of her uncouth guest. "Let's get down to some hot dish: I heard a rumor that Mr. Kidney the janitor walks around school drinking vodka out of a teapot!" "Is this really what they were doing in the '70s?" Mercedes grimaces, wrinkling her entire face as she tries another bite. "It tastes the way a baby's diaper smells!" Meanwhile, Single-T Tina would like to address a certain common bit of scuttlebutt regarding Asian men. "Not true!" she whispers knowingly at the camera, and in case you've led a remarkably sheltered life up to this point, she's talking about dick. Which makes me feel a hell of a lot better about all the "Brittany's Pussy" jokes I'll be making over the course of this recap, because seriously: Forty seconds in, and Ryan Murphy's already got Tina whispering knowingly about Asian dong? Yeah, I am very happy my parents stopped watching this show way back in October.

We finally arrive at the point of this scene when Brit-Brit leans forward and confides, "I heard a rumor that Santana plays for the other team." "And I can confirm that rumor," Brittany adds, licking an especially gooey bit of cheese from her index finger. "It's a hundred percent true." "Wait," Mercedes mumbles around another mouthful of fondue. "What?" "Are you serious?" Tina gapes. Brit-Brit would elaborate, I'm sure, but her tremendous pussy has just now entered the scene. As she bends down to haul it up onto her coffee table, she introduces us all to "Lord Tubbington," and wow. That is one gigantic, hairy lardball of a... I'm gonna put "cat," here, because the other option was grossing my fingers out. Brittany all but stuffs Lord Tubbington into the fondue pot because, as the just-appearing subtitle informs us, "Lord Tubbington only eats HUMAN food!" Needless to say, both of Brittany's guests are thoroughly revolted by the sight of Brittany's Pussy scarfing down all that melted cheese, and Mercedes winces, "You just gonna let him do that?" "Lord Tubbington's allowed to eat cheese," Brit-Brit smiles, "because he's on Atkins!" Brittany gazes fondly at Her Pussy for a moment before realizing time's up, and she invites us to tune in again week, when "we'll be dipping raw meat into boiling chocolate." They're talking about dick again, aren't they? Title card.

School. Rachel strides right up to Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen at the latter's locker and opens with a cheery, "Hey!" "Why are you talking to me?" Guppy Face shoots back, instantly suspicious. "Can't I say hello?" Rachel wonders. "I guess," Trouty Mouth mumbles before explaining, "Santana told me never to speak alone with you because you'd try to steal all of my gold." Rachel's momentarily flummoxed by that, but she recovers nicely enough to present him with a three-pack of cherry-flavored ChapStick, as she finds his eminently mockable lips "cute" and therefore deserving of "weatherproofing." That done, she gets down to the real reason for her visit: As they're both now single, she was wondering if he'd accompany her to the prom. Lady Lips hesitates not a second before shooting her down -- not because Rachel's turned into little more than a shrieking, desperate harpy over the course of this season, but rather because he very much doubts he'll be going to the prom with anyone at all. He thanks her kindly for the "lip chap," and with that, he spins on his heel and disappears down the hall, leaving Rachel to flail about all by her lonesome, rejected again.

Meanwhile, over at The Lima Bean, General Zod -- are we still supposed to be calling her that? Whatever -- meets up with The Honey Badger for a strategy session. Crazy Terri's discreetly clad in a modest beige trench coat while Sue's decided to masquerade as Ziggy Stardust for this portion of the evening's festivities, and I just can't deal with that at all at this point, so let's just listen in on their conversation, shall we? "I feel like my life finally has purpose!" Crazy Terri whispers excitedly, her eyes positively aglow with manic levels of insanity. "It's so nice to be part of a cause that's bigger than myself!" she continues. Whatever helps you make it through the day, Crazy Terri. The ladies order their refreshments -- hot tea for Terri, "a large cup of mocha powder" for Sue -- and after Sue pays for it all with a ten-Euro note, we learn of Sue's absolutely ludicrous scheme for this week. She's glommed on to the fact that Wikileaks has been in the news lately, so she's decided to resurrect McKinley High's print version of that site, The Muckraker. The newspaper, as we learn from Terri, was "discontinued two years ago due to lack of interest," and with that, we smear sideways to...

...a classroom, where we find Sue standing in front of Jewfro, Brit-Brit, Azimio, Becky, and a few random twentysomethings who apparently stopped by because they had nothing better to do that afternoon. "The newspaper is making a comeback!" Sue insists, wielding a yardstick like a scimitar as she does so. "And like print newspapers everywhere," she continues, "we're leaner and meaner -- no longer concerned with facts, fact checking, integrity, or facts!" Sounds like the new version of The Chicago Tribune to me, though to be fair, The New York Post has been operating like that for decades. In any event, The Muckraker's new motto? "If I Heard It, It's Probably True. Or Something." Okay, now it just sounds like Tumblr.

Either way, by the time we've smeared back to The Lima Bean, Sue's traded her Ziggy Stardust sparkles for a loud hound's-tooth jacket and a long, blonde wig, as she's pretty sure the barista's on to her, and is now therefore masquerading as Ann Coulter. Just go with it. It's so much easier when you just go with it. "Can I make an observation?" Crazy Terri asks. Knock yourself out, hon. "You're always trying to destroy Will from inside the Glee Club." True. "I would like to try getting him out of the Glee Club." Sue and I are listening. "Now, I was trolling the Internet last night, and I had an idea." And that idea would be...? Unfortunately, we don't find out right this instant, because the ladies must sip from their respective cups in a toast to Crazy Terri's as-yet-unspecified plan, which of course leaves Sue with a mocha powder moustache, and it's going to be a very, very long night.

Cut to Will's office, where we find him grading a sheaf of Spanish tests until Orange April magically appears at his door to sass, "'Scuse me -- do you know where a gal can find a pipin'-hot cup of Will Schuester?" Oh, Orange April. How we have not missed you at all. Still, Kristin Chenoweth's a hell of a lot better than Gwyneth Paltrow, so I'll knock it off with the whining to find out why she's here. Seems her "all-white production of The Wiz was a dee-saster," but "being publicly humiliated by The New York Times" got her to thinking, and she's decided to spend what little remains of her vast gold-digging fortune mounting an autobiographical musical instead. To that end, she's returned to Lima with the libretto for Crossrhodes: The April Rhodes Story, and she'd like to borrow The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion (otherwise known as "the auditorium") for rehearsals, as she's "running a little low on funds." Will gawps. !

Out in the hall, Becky's enthusiastically distributing the first copies of the new and improved Muckraker to grasping throngs of overeager extras when Rachel floats by to surreptitiously snatch one from Becky's satchel. Rachel then chases down Finn and strongly suggests they perform a duet together at Nationals. Finn, of course, doesn't think that's a good idea, because Quinn might get jealous. This offers sly Rachel the perfect opportunity to hoist her copy of the school paper into the air and inquire, "Why are you so concerned with Quinn's feelings when she obviously has no interest in yours?" Good question, Rachel, but I've got a better one: Why are you dimwits wasting my time with these bullshit teen angst relationship subplots when the season finale's a mere two episodes away? NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS ANYMORE. DO YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECT TO KEEP DRAGGING THIS CRAP OUT UNTIL YOU HIT SYNDICATION? HUH? HUH?

Ahem. Sorry about that. Well, not really, but my ranting doesn't get us any closer to the end of this episode, so I'll do my best to suppress my urge to start screaming for the rest of this recap. ANY-way, the newest edition of The Muckraker contains a blind items column helpfully entitled "Blind Items Column" that includes the following: "What Prom Queen candidate is spending a lot of time in her closet?" "That's garbage!" Finn eye-rolls. "Quinn's claustrophobic!" Rachel curtly notes that this particular blind item refers to Santana, and directs his attention to the one on the list. Frankenteen glances at the blurb in question, then takes off for...

...the music room, where he gets all up in Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen's grille to scream, "What the hell is this, dude? "'What blondie former cheerleader,'" he reads aloud, much to the generalized consternation of everyone else present, "'is having a secret moonlight motel rendezvous with another big-lipped blondie'?" Grouper Mouth denies having anything to do with Quinn in recent weeks, and Quinn herself leaps to her feet to dismiss it all as idle gossip, but Finn's not buying it -- especially because he's been a big ol' lying slut himself in the past -- and just as things are nicely escalating between the three of them, Santana comes storming in through the other door to upbraid Brit-Brit for telling everyone she plays for another team. "You do play on another team!" poor dim Brit-Brit protests, explaining, "You were on the Cheerios, and now you're only in the New Directions." "And you couldn't have thought of any other way to say that?" Santana howls. Meanwhile, Finn's started shoving Lady Lips around, and Mr. Schue arrives from elsewhere to break it all up, and Frankenslut lurches on out of there in a massive huff, and gee, they're all kind of reminding me of a certain infamously coked-up British-American rock band from the mid-'70s at this point, but that's got to be a coincidence, right? Right?

Chez Schue. Orange April lights a couple of candles, pops the cork on a bottle of Chablis, and announces that dinner is served. Will, of course, was under the mistaken impression that "dinner" actually meant "food," but as "Mama drinks her dinner these days," he'll be having Chablis, or he'll be having nothing at all. Atta girl. None of that really matters, though, because the point of the scene that follows is actually this: Will's troubled by the infighting amongst the Glee Clubbers, what with all the "whispering and back-stabbing and love triangles and questions of sexuality" and such, and he doesn't quite know what to do about it, because he is a moron. Orange April, of course, immediately diagnoses a case of "The Mac" and, after she gifts the ignorant infants in the audience with a brief history of the band in question, Will excitedly hops up from the table to dig out his LP of Rumours. He's stoked, you see, because he's "wanted to do a lesson devoted to a single album for a long time" and, given New Directions' recent troubles, he now has the perfect excuse to do so. I should probably note that when Will sets the needle down on the album, he intentionally skips "Second Hand News" to head straight to "Dreams," which makes for a smooth transition into the...

...very scene, which features Orange April prancing her way through her version of the latter song back in the McKinley music room the following afternoon, and here's as good a point as any to confess that I harbor neither a blinding love for nor a vituperative hatred of Fleetwood Mac, so all of this evening's song selections are just kind of there for me, especially because they're also all pretty much straight covers of the originals. There are a couple of exceptions to this, of course, but only a couple, and as a result, I'm not especially moved to write much about any of them at all. Does Kristin Chenoweth offer us an extremely competent rendition of this song? Of course. But its presentation is dull, what with the children just swaying back and forth up there in the cheap seats while Orange April gives it her all down there on the floor, and it's not telling me anything new about her character -- not that I was particularly looking for any new insights into her character, mind -- so what's the point?

And when it's over, Mr. Schue bounds to the whiteboard to scrawl the album's title, after which he gives the children their assignment for the week: They are to select one song from Rumours and present it to the rest of the class, the hope being that in doing so, the children will learn to rise above the scurrilous gossip now plaguing the halls of McKinley. Got all that? Good, 'cause it's time for the first commercial break.

We return to find Artie wheeling his way over towards Brittany's locker, and AGAIN with the bullshit teen angst relationship crap that NOBODY CARES ABOUT ANYMORE. God! To be entirely fair, though, this bit is nicely played by the supposed teens involved, so I suppose I should give it its due by telling you what they actually say to one another, rather than simply noting that Artie and Brit-Brit break up, and moving on from there. So, Artie wheels himself over to Brittany's locker and asks, "What's going on with you and Santana?" "Nothing," Brittany shrugs, the clueless casualness of which leads Artie to start babbling, "That doesn't sound like nothing -- it sounds like something, which is almost always more than nothing!" "Are you cheating on me with her?" he demands. "I can't," Brit-Brit claims, explaining, "She's a girl -- fooling around with her isn't cheating, it's just friends talking with their tongues super-close." "Who told you that?" Artie snaps. "Santana," Brit-Brit duhs, leading Artie to exasperate, "Don't you see that she's manipulating you?" "That's not cheating, either," Brittany confidently replies. Dirty! Artie, of course, fails to see the humor in Brittany's last statement, and he pretty much loses it right there in the middle of the hall, moaning, "Don't you see what's going on? You're the hottest girl in this school, and I wear saddle shoes on legs that don't work!" "This shouldn't be happening," he insists, of course referring to their so-called romance, "not because I'm in a wheelchair, but because I'm obsessed with Angry Birds, and my mom cuts my hair!" "It's hard enough for me to believe that this is real," he continues, by now openly moping before getting all weirdly possessive and shit by stating, "If I know that you spend even a little time sharing yourself with someone else -- that there's one other person in your life that can provide for you things that I'm supposed to provide -- it's just too much for me to take!" Christ, teenagers are idiots. Slap a restraining order on his dumb ass, Brit-Brit, and go let your freak flag fly with Miss Lopez, already. Of course, Brittany doesn't listen to me, instead choosing to plead Santana's case, which only makes Artie blurt, "Why are you so stupid?" Poor little Brit-Brit's eyes instantly fill with tears, and she weeps, "You were the only person at this school who never called me that!" before fleeing off down the hallway. Aw. Artie, chastened, watches her go in silence, then drifts into a...

...FANTASY SEQUENCE! God, I've missed the fantasy sequences on this show. Well, some of them. Anyway, remember how I said only a couple of numbers this evening were worthy of comment? This is one of them. A guitarist magically appears behind Artie in the hall, picking out the opening notes of "Never Going Back Again," and Artie -- all melancholy and brooding and bitter and such -- eventually joins the magical guitarist to sing the tune's terribly appropriate lyrics as he wheels off down the hall. The camera rises to reveal Artie's mysterious acoustic friend as none other than Puck himself, and the two pass entirely unnoticed through knots of their fellow students until they reach the cafeteria, where they're joined by Frankenteen and Lady Lips, who strum away on guitars of their own as Artie stares sullenly at Santana consoling Brittany out in the hall. From there, the four mosey on over to the moodily lit auditorium stage, where six additional guitarists complete the ensemble, and wow. This song sounds fantastic with nine guitars going at the same time. Of course, it helps that one of the featured backing guitarists is awfully cute. I'll let you guess who I'm talking about. Hint: It's not Finn. It's probably the best number of the evening, and while I realize that's not saying much, still: Bravo.

And in the end, Artie's strummy companions leave him all alone to wallow in his misery, and I suppose I should be feeling sorry for him right about now, but he brought this on his own stupid self, so fuck 'im. !

The evening finds us parked with Rachel and Finn outside the "American Family Motel." They're on a stakeout, you see, and while Finn snaps a few black-and-white telephoto shots of the motel's temporary inhabitants, Rachel enthuses that it's all just like an episode of Hart To Hart, and no. Just... no. No, I refuse to believe that Rachel knows anything at all about that television series and no, I refuse to listen to the bullshit teen angst relationship crap that comes spilling out of their mouths over the several minutes and no, I refuse to transcribe Rachel's questionable definition of karma even though it might become important later, so let's cut to the chase, here: Lady Lips emerges from one of the motel's cabins, followed shortly by Kurt. DUN! "I can't believe Kurt would do that to Blaine!" Frankenslut whimpers. Shut up, Frankenslut. For her part, Rachel simply gasps and goggles and hikes her binoculars up to her eyes for a better look. Meanwhile, over by the soda machine, Jewfro points a telephoto lens of his very own at The Cabin Of Sin and merrily snaps away as we get booted into this evening's commercial break. Dun-dun-DUN!

The Lima Bean. Rachel and Finn have assembled Lauren, Puck, Quinn, Tina, Artie, and Gaylord Wiener around a table to dish the dirt on Kurt and Lady Lips. Quinn alone amongst the children thus so gathered refuses to participate in the wild speculation that ensues and insists that Lady Lips is straight. With that, she rather regally rises from the table and wafts off, leaving the others to squabble about what, precisely, her assertion means. !

Music Room. Brit-Brit's still mourning the death of her relationship with Artie, which is why Santana's swooped in and dragged her off into their rehearsal space to serenade her with "the best song that really goes one step past 'Landslide'" in expressing her true feelings for Brittany. "My private feelings," Santana emphasizes, settling Brit-Brit down in one of the cheap seats before retreating towards the piano. "What about him?" Brittany wonders, nodding at Tinkles, who's been perched on the piano bench this entire time. "He's just furniture," Santana shrugs, and she's not wrong, so let's go ahead and listen in as she serenades dear little Brit-Brit with Christine McVie's "Songbird." This is the second of those numbers I was talking about earlier in the recap, but now that we've hit it, I've discovered I really don't have much to say about it after all, mainly because they've hacked the crap out of it. Because God forbid Santana get a whole entire solo all to herself. Still, it's a lovely rendition -- what little of it there is -- and Santana allows herself to get all misty-eyed during it, which is making me a little misty-eyed myself, though now that I'm thinking about it, it's probably just my springtime allergies acting up. Yeah, that's it.

"Beautiful," Brittany smiles once it's over, and she rises from her seat to ask, "So, why couldn't you sing that to me in front of everyone?" "Not yet," Santana insists, brushing a few stray tears from her eyes. "I'm not ready for that type of...public announcement," she insists, adding, "Ever since that Muckraker thing, people have already started treating me differently -- I got asked to join the golf team." Shudder. "Well, what if I went first?" Brittany wonders. "Come on Fondue For Two!" she urges. "I'll ask you out to prom, and I'll tell you how I feel, and all you have to do is say yes!" Oh, Brittany. Oh, dumb, dumb Brittany. Santana nods, and the two move in for a hug right there in front of Tinkles and everything, but this is not going to end well.

Hall. Rachel spots Lady Lips lumbering towards her in a too-short, too-tight jacket that features a garish, block-print ivy-patterned design running up the back, and she immediately scurries over to confront Kurt at the latter's locker. That jacket, you see, is actually his, which makes her all the more certain the two have been meeting at that no-tell motel for a little hanky-panky. Kurt airily refuses even to entertain Rachel's suspicions and, after condescending a few Fleetwood Mac-related observations in her general direction, he floats off towards his class. Rachel fumes.

That evening, Rachel and Finn are once again staking out The Cabin Of Sin, and I know they're blathering at each other about Quinn and Lady Lips and whatnot, but I'm too distracted by "The Chain" playing softly underneath it all to pay much attention to them. God, maybe I like Fleetwood Mac a hell of a lot more than I thought I did. That's kind of scary. Or, you know, these two dolts are simply SO FUCKING BORING AT THIS POINT that I'll go chasing after any distraction at all as long as it helps me through the scene. Your choice. In any event, Quinn eventually emerges from The Cabin Of Sin, followed presently by Lady Lips, and as the two hug their goodbyes, Frankenslut's jaw hits the floor in shock while crafty Rachel moves in to offer him a comforting hug. !

Back at school the following morning, Brittany places a tape recorder on Mr. Schue's desk and thanks him for agreeing to be her first-ever interview for The Muckraker. Question one? "Boxers or briefs?" Mr. Schue looks somewhat unpleasantly surprised by this, but he plays along anyway, answering, "Boxers." Question two? "Pantyhose or lace panties?" "I...I just said boxers," Mr. Schue stammers. "Yeah, well, that wasn't one of the choices," Brittany retorts, all ice all of a sudden, "so I'll just write that you refuse to answer the question." Needless to say, it all goes downhill from there, with Brit-Brit racing through a series of increasingly insulting and potentially libelous questions until Mr. Schue gets her to admit that Sue put her up to all of this.

Smash cut to Sue leading another meeting of The Muckraker's staff, and as what she has to say at this point has little bearing on the episode as whole, I'll be skipping ahead to the bit where Will arrives from points unknown to confront her, and long story short, he demands to know why she's spreading rumors that he's leaving the school to shepherd Crossrhodes to Broadway. By way of reply, Sue deviously suggests that perhaps Will does have the talent to make it as a performer in New York, and she advises him not to dismiss the possibility so quickly. "Look at it this way," she shrugs after playfully tweaking him on his chin butt, "you'll finally be rid of me!" With that, she vanishes into the hallway while a visibly perturbed Will vanishes into the commercial break.

McKinley High Hall. Becky's busily distributing yet another edition of The Muckraker, this one featuring a gossipy little tidbit about Finn and Rachel canoodling in Finn's pickup truck. Quinn takes one look at the article and storms off to confront her behemoth of a boyfriend, who just so happens to be storming up to confront her over her presence at The Cabin Of Sin the evening. The two yell at each other right there in the middle of the hallway -- while dozens of extras pass by with nary a one of them stopping to eavesdrop, of course -- until Quinn angrily snips, "I guess I know what song we'll be singing this week in Glee Club!" and with that, we're off to the...

...music room, where the bickering adolescents hurl themselves into a passive-aggressive version of "I Don't Wanna Know" that clearly sets everyone else in the room on edge. And when it's over, Rachel picks a fight with Quinn over who gets to croon harmonies with Frankenteen at Nationals -- no, seriously, like, has no one noticed he's the worst singer in the group yet? -- and Mr. Schue ineffectually attempts to intervene, but Quinn finally issues the following ultimatum: Either Rachel backs the hell off her boyfriend, now, or she's quitting the club. Or something like that. !

Well, this is pretty pointless. Emma -- who's looking especially adorable in an abstract floral print skirt she's paired with a simple, short-sleeved navy blue sweater beneath a chunky beaded necklace -- eases herself into the auditorium to watch as Will and Orange April perform one of the big numbers from Crossrhodes. It's a wildly overwrought piece detailing Orange April's popularity with the gentlemen, if you know what I mean, and Chenoweth amusingly mocks herself by unleashing one of her ridiculously overblown glory notes at the end of it, but the song itself has absolutely nothing to do with the episode that surrounds it, so I'll skip to the bit wherein Orange April begs Will to leave teaching behind and help her take the show to New York. Will of course insists that he can't abandon the children now that they're on the verge of performing at Nationals, but Orange April quite rightly points out that winning a show choir championship has been the kids' dream, not his. As she darts off into the wings, leaving him alone with the thirty-piece orchestra they'd assembled for this rehearsal, the camera hops back over to Emma, who frets for one very long moment before disappearing back into the school proper.

Fondue For Two! Fondue For Two! That's some! Hot! Dish! Fondue For Two! I'm going to have that theme song stomping around in my head for the three months, aren't I? In any event, Brittany appears with the sad news that Santana cancelled on her at the last minute, so her guest for this episode of Fondue For Two will be none other than Lord Tubbington. "You know," she says, addressing Her Pussy, "just because we're doing this interview, doesn't mean I'm still not mad at you, 'cause I know you started smoking. Again." Brittany's Pussy, obviously in the throes of a massive nicotine fit, glares at us until it vanishes into the commercial break.

Teacher's Lounge, and does anyone care about Emma's obsessive-compulsive disorder? Didn't think so. So, skipping past all that nonsense, we get to the bit wherein Emma admits she overheard what Orange April said to Will yesterday in the auditorium, and surprisingly enough, Emma's of the opinion that Will should ditch McKinley, pronto. I'd make a joke about even Emma wanting to rid herself of his tiresome ass, but Will's never bothered me as much as certain other characters on this show, even when I take into account his abject stupidity, so I'll simply note he remains deeply conflicted about the whole thing and move on to the scene, okay?

Music Room. With a refreshing minimum of yammering, Rachel announces she'd like to put her own "feminine" twist on "Go Your Own Way," and she proceeds to do just that. Unfortunately, she directs the entire thing towards Frankenslut in a brutally misguided attempt to arouse his jealousy, or something, and as I stopped caring about their goddamned bullshit teen angst relationship crap about four episodes into the first season, I'm going to ignore her entire performance, pretty much. Once it's over, another screamy slapfight erupts between Quinn and Rachel, only this time no small amount of hostility gets blasted in Trouty Mouth's direction, and soon all of the other children start piling on the poor guy until he's forced to admit his Deep Dark Secret: His father lost his job "a few months ago," their house recently got repossessed by the bank, and now he and his entire family are crammed into that tiny Cabin Of Sin down at the American Family Motel. Kurt showed up only to deliver some cast-off clothing, Quinn stopped by to babysit his younger siblings, and is everybody happy now? Huh? HUH? Lady Lips flounces, leaving the others to flounder their collective way into this evening's commercial break with guilt-stricken looks on their faces.

Lair Of The Sylvester. Sue whips up a batch of celebratory placenta-spiked margaritas and dispenses them to her guests, Orange April and Crazy Terri. The gals kick back to chat, with Orange April taking special care to thank Crazy Terri for calling her up to encourage her to ask Will for his help with Crossrhodes, so there's that mystery solved. Unfortunately, Orange April's convinced Will would never abandon the children to join her on tour, as "he wouldn't know how to break it to 'em." "Blowzy Loads," Sue grins, "you leave that to me -- tomorrow's Muckraker will include the ultimate blind-item rumor that Will Schuester is leaving McKinley to join you on Broadway!" "That's not true!" Orange April breathes. "It will be," Sue assures her, as "the whole point of yellow journalism is turning rumor into fact." "And the hard part of breaking the news to the kids," she continues, "will be over -- he'll be free to follow his heart and the stench of your alcohol sweat to New York City, and out of my life forever!" "Seems awfully shady," Orange April frowns, "and I once became an Avon Lady just so I could rob demented seniors." "Look at it this way," Sue offers, "we all agree Will Schuester has no business teaching in a high school." "You," she eyebrows, addressing Orange April, "believe he's too talented, and I just hate him." "And I just want our old apartment back," Terri admits. "I'm living in an efficiency," she confides, "with a raccoon in the wall." "More placenta?" Sue smiles. And... scene!

Motel Of Shame. Rachel and Finn rap on the Von Bieberhausens' door, and Lady Lips himself answers their knock. He tries to shoo them away, but when his younger siblings materialize at his side to welcome their unexpected guests, Guppy Face has little choice but to invite them in, and here we go. You know, had there been any indication at all over the last couple of episodes that Sam's family was going through some rough times -- hell, had they not decided midway through the first season to drop all storylines dealing with the sort of economic difficulties so many communities like Lima have endured since the last recession began -- I might actually care about Lady Lips and his unfortunate plight at the moment. As it is, though, it seems like they ripped this development straight out of their collective ass at the very last minute to turn this installment into yet another Very Special Episode, and for that, they can bite me. Hard. And the fact that they've accessorized this out-of-nowhere plot point with a pair of supposedly adorable, urchin-like moppets only adds insult to injury. Fuck you, Glee.

And now that I'm in absolutely no mood to listen to Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen's mighty tale of woe, I find myself forced to listen to Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen's mighty tale of woe. Long story short, his family moved to Ohio from Tennessee when his father got a better job, but when the economy tanked, so did the family's fortunes, and now here we are. Kurt first learned of the Von Bieberhausens' shameful secret when Lady Lips started delivering pizzas to Dalton -- which is two hours away from Lima, but whatever -- and Quinn found out because their families attend the same church. Quinn also revealed that Lady Lips hocked his guitar to help his parents pay for the motel room, so the entire Glee Club chipped in to buy it back for him. Lady Lips bursts into tears at this act of kindness, but like I said above: Fuck you, Glee. Shame, really. They finally give Chord Overstreet something to do, and it's this crap. Oh, well.

McKinley High Hallway, and oh, dear Lord. Santana's wearing overalls. She's just days away from getting herself a Maddow, isn't she? Poor thing. Anyway, Jewfro's chasing after her with a tape recorder, skeevily yelling something about Santana and Karofsky doing it in the backseat of a Corolla, or something like that. Santana, nothing if not expert at managing her press, pertly offers him a saucy, "No comment!" before continuing on her way. When Jewfro attempts to trip her up with a trick question, however, Santana stops dead in her tracks and, with Brittany well within earshot, she offers him the following exclusive: "Dave and I are going strong, and we're very excited about our Prom King And Queen campaign." "So, you two are in love?" Jewfro prompts. "Soul mates, so to speak?" Brittany catches Santana's eye, and Santana has the good grace to look absolutely miserable for a moment before she regains her composure and replies, "Yeah, I'd say that was accurate." Poor Brit-Brit. Poor Santana. Christ, what a mess.

Music Room. The children are positively abuzz, for the latest edition of The Muckraker has landed in their hot little hands, and are they publishing that bullshit daily, or something? How many editions of that goddamned school newspaper have been issued since this episode began? Whatever. None of that is important at the moment because what is important at the moment is the fact that this latest edition contains a front-page story entitled, "Schuester Leaving McKinley?! Rumor Has It That Señor Schuester Is Bailing On His Kids For Broadway." Mr. Schue insists there's no truth to the article, and vows -- in so many words, suspiciously enough -- to accompany the children to Nationals. Just then, Lady Lips appears with The Urchins and announces he's decided upon the perfect song for their current assignment, and would the others mind giving him a hand with it out on the auditorium stage? Of course not!

Cut to the auditorium, and Sam's perfect song is, of course, "Don't Stop." Would it be churlish of me to note that Lauren Zizes is seriously cheating on the choreography in this number? Well, too bad, because I really don't have much else to say about it. I think the Clintons ruined this song for me forever. In any event, Orange April joins Will out in the audience, offering him the opportunity to look all conflicted and such -- again -- but I wouldn't read too much into that at this point. I mean, we'll have to wait until week to see if they even remember she exists, right? Right. And so, everyone jumps around, with Puck and Gaylord Wiener hoisting Lady Lips onto their shoulders for a celebratory romp around the stage, and Finn and Rachel hog most of the lead vocals because that's just the way they roll, and then it's over. Hooray!

week: Jesse St. James! Jesse St. James! Swoon! That LTG is one lucky bitch.

Demian wants an animated GIF of Quinn slapping the crap out of Rachel. You may send the appropriate links to demian_twop@yahoo.com.