Finn's bad dancing breaks Rachel's nose, leading her to consider a nose job, which in turn leads to the theme of this very special episode -- "Accepting Yourself." Will assigns the kids to sing songs about loving the parts of yourself that you might otherwise want to change. Rachel confronts her desire to look less Judaic and Tina confronts her desire to have blue eyes. But it's other characters who actually have more serious issues to confront. Will pushes Emma to acknowledge that she's not just a neat-freak -- she's a woman with a serious anxiety disorder. With help from a really good shrink, Emma starts the road to dealing with her extreme OCD. Meanwhile, Puck and Lauren decide to confront Lauren's desire to be a beauty queen by running a cutthroat campaign for prom queen. Said campaign involves kneecapping the primary opposition by revealing to the world that Quinn was previously a fat, ugly little girl known as Lucy Caboosy before she remade herself (complete with nose job) into the paragon of beauty we know her as today. But Lauren's nasty campaign trick backfires, as all the school rejects decide that Quinn's self-imposed rebirth makes her a worthy role model, winning her votes in her campaign for prom queen.
While other people are learning to accept themselves, Santana decides that she needs to become prom queen so that she can trick Brit-Brit into being her girlfriend. To that end, she confronts Karofsky and agrees to be his beard, and then forces him to adopt an anti-bullying program that includes wearing a totally gay beret. [I was just impressed that kids in Ohio knew about the Guardian Angels. -- Angel] Her ultimate goal is to get Karofsky to apologize to Kurt so that he can return to McKinley and she can be a hero, thereby winning prom queen votes. And you know what? It works! Kurt comes back to McKinley, singing fabulous songs and wearing fabulous outfits that aren't ugly uniforms. In the end, it's Kurt who stages a Barbra-vention, leading Rachel to reject the idea of a nose job. And that leads to the entire club, sans Santana, singing Lady Gaga's ode to loving yourself exactly as you are.
Featuring "As If We Never Said Goodbye," from Sunset Boulevard, performed by Kurt, Lady Gaga's "Born This Way," performed by the entire Glee Club, a mash-up of "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story (which I'm not linking to -- if you don't know it, you're not gay enough to watch this show) and TLC's "Unpretty," performed by Rachel and Quinn, the classic "I've Gotta Be Me," most famously performed by Sammy Davis, Jr., performed here by Finn (with dance assist from Mike Chang), and Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know," performed by the Warblers, to Kurt, as a way of sending him off to McKinley.
Meet the singers of Oxygen's upcoming reality series The Glee Project.
Prepare yourselves. Something unbelievable is happening. Will has actually assembled the New Directions in the auditorium to practice their dancing! I know, right? This may be the first time we've seen an actual rehearsal since the pilot. They start dancing, and Finn swings one spazzy arm behind him and socks Rachel right in the nose. Which causes her to flop to the ground faster than an Argentinean forward. She announces that she's bleeding, in the same tone you might use to announce that you have an inoperable brain tumor. Will proposes to take her to a doctor. I guess the school has just given up on having nurses? You know what would probably do wonders for a bleeding nose? A face full of slushy.
Instead, we cut to the doctor, where Rachel is holding an ice pack on her nose while Finn hovers. Rachel's dads are on the way, and Mr. Schue has left his injured student alone. Rachel tells Finn he can leave so that Quinn won't get mad at him for "sitting vigil at my bedside." But Finn is under the naive and moronic assumption that Quinn will be perfectly understanding about him being there, since he was the one who injured Rachel. The doctor enters and announces that the nose is broken. Fortunately, it was a clean break, so it neither requires resetting nor will look the slightest bit different after it heals. However, in light of Rachel's deviated septum, the doctor thinks this would be the perfect time for a "vanity adjustment." Wait, did Will bring his student with a bloody nose to a plastic surgeon? Dr. Haxalot thinks that a nose job is the perfect sweet sixteen gift for a Jewish girl. Rachel tells him that she's happy with how she looks, and Dr. Haxalot interrupts to ask Finn if Rachel is his girlfriend. Upon learning that she's not, the doctor goes out on a limb to guess that Finn's girlfriend has a perfect button nose. But even if Rachel is starting to feel vulnerable, she still doesn't want a nose job out of concern that it will harm her singing voice. Dr. Haxalot assures her that there's no risk of that, and that opening up her nasal cavity may actually help her sing better. Rachel calls upon the protection of her patron saint, Saint Barbra of the Schnozz, but the doctor notes that Barbra is one in a million, and that Rachel should try to look and sound the best she can to promote her acting career. Title card.
Rachel has just announced to the entire Glee Club that she's contemplating a nose job (which she describes as a minor procedure to correct her deviated septum). The other kids all have stunned looks on their faces, while Will is shocked to hear that she would risk her health for vanity's sake (what with the whole risk of general anesthesia). Santana interrupts with some of her patented bitchy wisdom, noting that every person in the room has things they might like to change about themselves. She suggests that Ladylips von Troutenmouthen has likely checked out lip reduction surgery, that Artie may have considered having his legs amputated, and that Tina has likely considered "an eye deslanting." Tina calls her out on her racism, and then claims to be completely happy with every aspect of her physical appearance. Mike Chang asks her if that's why she's wearing blue contacts. Finn also claims to be happy with the way he looks, but Santana calls him out on his "weird, puffy pyramid nipples." (Sam tries to pull Finn's hoody open to get a glimpse, but is slapped away by Finn.) Santana continues: "Maybe Rachel is fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is that, if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it." By the way, Santana is rocking a fur hat and vest in this scene. It's total cavewoman chic. She should get her own Sunday funnies serial comic strip -- "Santana of the Jungle." Her sidekick could be a rhinoceros. I would read the shit out of that, and I bet the Comics Curmudgeon would write about it frequently. Come on, Fox corporate merchandising people -- make this happen! Anyway, Will snatches me away from my reverie of a Santana of the Jungle/Phantom crossover event by telling the kids how shocked he is to hear them talking about wanting to change themselves. "I'm telling you, the thing you most want to change about yourself is the most interesting part of you." Mercedes: "Maybe, but at this school, the thing that makes you different is the thing people use to crush your spirit." Oh, honey -- that's true at every school.
Emma's office. Will is helping her scrub her grapes (not a euphemism) and telling her about his unusual collection of teenagers who have doubts about the way they look. Why can't these kids be completely happy with their physical appearance, like every other teenager in America? Emma notes that it's hard for adults to embrace their own eccentricities, so it might be too much to expect kids to do the same. But Will thinks it's his job as an educator to help the kids learn to love themselves. He also thinks it's his job to help Emma learn to love herself (still not a euphemism) -- he asks how long they have to scrub grapes (the obvious answer to which is "until they're all clean"), and also tells her how much he enjoys helping her with her OCD. Emma objects to that term as too scientific: "I really prefer 'neat freak' or 'cleaning bug.'" Emma's so grateful for Will's help, since having four hands polish her fruit (yet again, not a euphemism) has left her with lots of free time. Will thinks maybe she should use some of that free time to focus on ways to reduce her OCD, rather than giving in to it. Emma has given up, however: "I may not have been born this way, but this is my lot in life." Hearing the words "born this way" activates some rusty machinery in Will's head. He decides that he knows how to get the kids to learn to love their differences: "By using their two favorite teachers. Me, and Gaga." But he needs Emma's help to do it.
Cut to a hallway, where Santana of the Jungle is defacing a Quinn/Finn prom campaign poster, drawing a moustache on Quinn and ... a pair of breasts? Or maybe chest testicles? On Finn. In voice-over, Santana tells us that she should become prom queen, because she could use her authority to convince Brit-Brit that royal decree requires her to dump Artie and date Santana. Santana thinks she could never get enough votes, unless maybe she could get the jock bloc. She sees Sam, her ostensible boyfriend, walking towards her. He breaks into a spontaneous Sean Connery impression, leading her to realize that he's way too much of a nerd to really attract many votes. But she does see someone who might have enough pull with other jocks to swing the election her way -- Dave Karofsky. And then Karofsky subtly checks out Sam's ass as he walks by. Santana's V.O.: "Holy crap! I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing: I have awesome gaydar."
The Lima Bean. They are getting their money's worth out of this set. Kurt and Blaine, in their uniforms, are hanging out with Tina, Mercedes, and Santana. Which is a pretty odd trio. Kurt is sufficiently pissy about having lost to the New Directions at Regionals without actually being a jerk about it to let the other kids know that it's a sensitive topic for him. Tina and Mercedes tell Kurt how much they miss him, and ask if there's any way he could come back to McKinley. Blaine tells them all that he "would be all for it if it wasn't for Karofsky." So Blaine's making Kurt's decisions now? Anyway, Santana of the Jungle hears this and has an idea. Her V.O. tells us that getting Kurt back is the key to winning prom queen and Nationals. "If I could get Kurt back, I'd be a hero. Even Finn and Quinn would vote for me. And the key? Karofsky!" She jumps up, telling everyone else, "I've gotta gay. Go! I've gotta go." And then she swings off on a vine.
Music room. As Will writes the word "acceptance" on the whiteboard, Finn asks why Emma's there. Will tells them that she's there to help them with the week's assignment, which is all about acceptance. Mercedes notes that the New Directions all love each other, but Will points out that they often don't love themselves. There are two parts to the week's assignment. First, each kid has to sing a song about accepting themselves. Second, "We're going to do a group number by the queen of self-love." Um, wanky wanky? He means Gaga and her song "Born this Way," of course, which makes the kids happy. Finn points out that Will still hasn't explained Emma's presence. She tells them she's there to help them with costumes -- they each have to wear a t-shirt bearing a word or phrase that "best describes the thing about you that you're most ashamed of, or that you'd most like to change." Mike Chang asks for an example, so Emma opens her darling little jacket to reveal that she's wearing her own t-shirt, which reads, "Ginger." Will clearly expected to see something related to her OCD, but she goes into a story about how "being a ginger has plagued me my entire life." Dear British people: Don't be confused. We Americans don't actually use the word "ginger" to refer to redheads, and at least 90% of Americans would have no idea what it means. But some of us are pretentious writers who adopt Briticisms because we think they make us sound more sophisticated. Emma is thrilled to "claim her gingerhood," but the kids all seem shocked that she doesn't get what her real eccentricity is. Commercials.
Hallway. A plaintive piano tinkles away in the background as Lauren Tuna looks at the prom queen regalia, which is in a display case. Puck joins her in front of the case and tells her the shocking truth he's learned -- the prom queen crown doesn't contain real jewels. Lauren tells him she hasn't worn a crown since she was a toddler beauty queen. Her talent was baby pull-ups. Flashback to a husky young Lauren in a sequined evening gown doing pull-ups as the audience counts them aloud. She was on her way to becoming Miss Ohio when she hit a growth spurt (in all directions) and she was kicked off the pageant circuit. Back in the present, Lauren and Puck walk away from the display case and Lauren sees Quinn hanging more campaign posters. Lauren seems bitter that a pretty little thing like Quinn will be the prom queen, so Puck tells her that he's going to help her win the crown.
Doctor's office waiting room. Rachel and Quinn are there. Quinn has apparently come along to be Rachel's nose model. Rachel asks Quinn what it's like to be so pretty. Quinn tells her that since everyone lets a hot 17-year old get away with anything, she's always assumed everyone in the world is nice and friendly. Dr. Haxalot enters -- he thinks Rachel is there to schedule the surgery, but first she wants to see if there's any way to get an idea what she would look like with Quinn's nose. Dr. Haxalot is happy to make a composite picture. As a nurse takes pictures, Quinn starts singing a mash-up of "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story and TLC's "Unpretty." (Although it actually starts out as just "Unpretty," with some elements from "I Feel Pretty" added later in the song.) It quickly turns into a duet with Rachel, which in turn becomes a performance of the song in front of the rest of the Glee Club, as well as singing as the two of them go about their days, cutting noses out of magazines and putting on makeup. As one does. It's a really nice performance, and the show's best mash-up in a very long time.
Hallway. Three husky young women, wearing identical sweaters and skirts, with identical bows in their hair, are looking at a Zizes campaign poster. Are these women part of some cult? They're excited to finally see someone who looks like them running for prom queen, and are ready to give her their votes. Quinn sees this, and then stalks up to Lauren, who is hanging another poster. Quinn thinks that enough people might vote for Lauren as a joke that she could win the election. Since winning is Lauren's goal, she doesn't really mind that. Quinn is getting increasingly upset and insulting, which causes Lauren to respond in kind. Lauren notes that while Quinn may have been born pretty, she's an ugly person on the inside. Quinn storms off, but not before telling Lauren that she's now made the entire election personal.
Lima Bean. Karofsky and Santana (who has, alas, lost the fur hat and vest) are having coffee. Karofsky thinks it's about time Santana asked him out, since he's such a stud. She tells him to knock it off with the act, since she knows the truth about him. He denies it, and she points out that she saw him check out Sam's ass. Karofsky: "I didn't. I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing." Santana: "Like that's any less gay." She also tells him that she's guessed the truth about what happened between him and Kurt. Karofsky is pissed, and ready to go beat up Kurt and Blaine, when Santana calms him down with a story. It's about how he's going to be a total closet case who will get married and have kids and later get caught "tapping your foot in the men's room with some page." But Santana has no problem with that, since it allows her to blackmail him into being her beard (and vice versa). Santana also tells him what a beard is: "It's when a gay man and woman date each other, to hide the fact that they're gay. Like the Roosevelts." She threatens to out him to the entire school if he refuses to go along with her plan. "The only straight I am is straight-up bitch." Commercials.
Quinn and Finn are at their lockers, arguing. But the scene is shot from deep inside the lockers, so we see each of them framed in black, with other students occasionally opening their lockers. Nice work. The point of the argument is that Finn thinks it's wrong for Quinn to help Rachel with her nose job plan, since it runs counter to the week's lesson. Quinn: "Well maybe I'm not down with this week's lesson." She slams her door closed, and Finn tells her, "I love this week's lesson."
And then we're in the music room, where he launches into a performance of "I've Gotta Be Me," most famously performed by Sammy Davis, Jr. But Mike Chang dances along with him, leading Finn to make clumsy efforts to match Mike's fluid movement. Again, it's a really fun performance. And right after the kids finish this performance of a song that's all about loving yourself, Rachel takes the floor to show everyone the composite pictures of what she would look like with Quinn's nose. Tina interrupts her to tell her that Rachel's self-hatred has taught Tina that she has to start loving who she is: "If I don't have many Asian sex symbols to look up to, I have an obligation to become one myself." Rachel steers the conversation back to her and her nose. She's brought enough prints of the photo to give one to every member of the club. To Puck, this reminds him of all the girls who disappear from his temple every year around their sixteenth birthday and return with slightly smaller noses. "Even though it's easier to make out with them without getting constantly stabbed in the eye, they're not as hot." Rachel tells them that if they're not willing to support her decision, she's used to having to make decisions on her own. Or maybe with her fathers? Maybe? Even though Finn tells Rachel that she's beautiful, she's already made up her mind. "Rachel Berry is getting a nose job." Commercials.
Will enters the teachers' lounge, carrying a grocery bag. He joins Emma at her table, and she asks him how the assignment is going. He wants to discuss it with her -- he was a little disappointed that she put "ginger" on her shirt. I know, right? I would have thought Emma had more sense than to give in to useless Briticisms. Oh, wait -- Will's not disappointed because she acted like a pretentious twit, but because she should have written something having to do with her OCD. She thinks she shouldn't discuss such things with the kids, since it will undermine their ability to look to her as a role model. But Will thinks a true role model would accept that she has this serious problem and work on fixing it. Emma's still hung up on the idea that she wasn't born with her OCD so she apparently doesn't ever have to deal with it. Will points out that everyone puts up with her serious anxiety disorder because she's so high-functioning and cute, but "it's really keeping you from enjoying your life." And then he tries to get her to eat some unwashed fruit. She doesn't see how this is supposed to help. Will: "You know what I think, Emma? I think you are an expert at deflection." Emma: "Is that a new shirt?" Will thinks she works so hard at counseling other people so she can avoid working on her own problems.
Music room. The kids are in a hubbub as Principal Figgins and Karofsky stands at the front of the room. Figgins and Will eventually get the kids to settle down so Karofsky can talk. He's there to apologize for what he did to Kurt and for all the slushies he's delivered to each person in the room. Cue the slushy montage. As Santana watched Karofsky, she lips the words, clearly having written the speech for him. When asked why they should trust him, Karofsky tells them that he knows he'll have to earn their trust. But he gives full credit to Santana for helping him to see the light -- she helped him see that he was a bad person, and he wants to be better. Quinn speaks for an incredulous nation when she asks if it was their Santana who helped Karofsky reform himself. Santana knows that if she acts completely altruistic, it will seem fake, so she tells them that she took it on herself to try to rehabilitate Karofsky in hopes that it would allow Kurt to return to McKinley. And she claims that in the process of helping Karofsky see the light, they fell in love. Karofsky tells them that he wants Kurt to feel safe, so he and Santana "have started a new club -- the Bully Whips." Santana claims they'll be like guardian angels. Or maybe like the Guardian Angels. Figgins tells the kids that he's deputized the Bully Whips to roam the halls and stop bullying when they see it.
Flashback to Azimio throwing a tiny redheaded kid against his locker and demanding his pants. Although I have no idea what Azimio will do with this kid's pants -- cut off the legs and use them as armwarmers? And then Santana and Karofsky, wearing matching red satin jackets and red berets, interrupt him and make him knock it off.
Back in the music room, Karofsky tells the club that his plan is to reach out to Kurt, with the help of Figgins, to try to get Kurt to come back to McKinley. Commercials.
Maharishi's Sanctum of Secretly Insincere Apologies. Karofsky and his father are there, as are Kurt and Burt. And Will, because no meeting is complete without the school's Spanish teacher. Burt thinks that Karofsky's apology won't keep Kurt safe. Figgins points out that since the Bully Whips went into action, there have been no instances of bullying. Smithers points out that the reduction is equal to the number of bullying instances Karofsky was known or suspected to have been involved with in the month, but Figgins doesn't care. Burt is appropriately angry and protective of Kurt, while Mr. Karofsky asks Burt to give Karofsky a chance to prove he's changed. And Karofsky denies that he actually meant he would kill Kurt when he said he would kill Kurt. Will asks Kurt what he thinks, and Kurt asks for a few moments alone with Karofsky. Once the adults have left, Kurt asks Karofsky what his angle is with this fake bullshit. Kurt pushes until Karofsky tells him all about Santana's plan to get Kurt back at McKinley and use that to become prom queen. Kurt: "I'm both repulsed and impressed by her Lady MacBethian ways. A Latina Eve Harrington." Once he knows the truth, Kurt tells Karofsky that he'll return only if Karofsky helps him start a chapter of PFLAG at McKinley. Karofsky agrees, and Kurt gives a smile to everyone waiting on the other side of the glass wall.
Bathroom. Rachel gingerly pulls a tiny band-aid off her nose when Puck walks in. Rachel tells him he can't be there. Puck: "It's cool. I checked through the peephole I drilled last year to make sure no one was going." Puck is there to talk to her as one hot Jew to another. Rachel is sick of getting lectured, but Puck asks her why she's getting Quinn's nose. "If you want to breathe better, why don't you have 'em give you Karl Malden's nose?" Puck asks for one hour of her time the day, and promises never to bug her again after that.
Seldom-seen outdoor plaza. Puck joins the other Glee Club kids and asks why they're there. Mercedes tells them that since it's noon, "it's" official. What's official, you ask? Why don't we let Kurt answer that, as he emerges at the top of the steps, looking resplendent in a white jacket and black top hat: "My transfer! Kurt Hummel's back at McKinley!" The Glee Clubbers applaud. And that's when the Warblers appear -- they're there to say goodbye to Kurt. Shouldn't these boys be at school? Blaine (of course) speaks for the Warblers by telling Kurt how much they'll miss him, while noting that he (Blaine) will still have Kurt after school and on weekends. And then the Warblers sing Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know." And really, thank God someone left that piano out on the plaza so Blaine could play while he sang. This scene is so ridiculous, but the idea of a high school boy singing a love song to his boyfriend in front of the entire school just makes me giddy, so I'll let it go. The song finishes; Kurt hugs Blaine and tells him, "I'm never going to say goodbye to you." And then Blaine leaves Kurt in the arms of his McKinley pals. Commercials.
And now for a truly ridiculous scene. Kurt walks onto the auditorium stage, where for some reason some kids are building a set that is nothing but a couple of trees and some water. Which apparently inspires Kurt to break into "As If We Never Said Goodbye," from Sunset Boulevard. Kurt nails the performance, but the staging is insanely literal. When he sings about painted trees and water, he's standing in front of painted trees and water. When he sings about being in a crowded hallway, he's in a crowded hallway. When he sings about just leaving makeup, he's just pulling away from backstage a makeup station. It's just about the most literal video made since A-Ha's video for their smash hit, "Comic Strip Man Pulls Me Into Comic Strip World." Chris Colfer gets an A for the performance, but the director gets an F for lack of imagination. And then, look, more commercials.
If they can promise me that Thor's nipples will be in 3-D, I will go see that movie.
Crowded hallway. Lauren Tuna saunters past Quinn and then casually calls out, "hey, Lucy." That gets Quinn's attention, and Lauren asks if they could please speak privately. I've lost patience for this plot, so let me summarize. Lauren and Puck broke into school records to do some oppo research on Quinn (inspired by the words of Lauren's father's college roommate, G. Gordon Liddy) and Lauren discovered, thanks to the help of some idiot school administrators who don't know the slightest thing about educational privacy laws, that Quinn's original name was Lucy Q. Fabray and that she transferred to Lima from some other school district only after she had a nose job, lost the braces, dyed her hair, got contacts, and dropped about seventy pounds. Quinn, embarrassed, cops to the truth, telling Lauren that she stopped going by "Lucy" because kids made up a mean nickname. Lauren: "Juicy Lucy?" Quinn: "Lucy Caboosey." Long story short, Quinn felt terrible about how she looked, so she changed everything and then transferred to a school where nobody would know what she had looked like. Lauren: "So you hate yourself?" Quinn: "No, I love myself, and that's why I did all those things. I've been that girl, and I am never going back. I was a miserable little girl, and now I am going to be prom queen." Lauren tells her not to count her chubby chickens before they're hatched. Because Lauren has already put up posters of the old Quinn, complete with her "Lucy Caboosey" nickname. We get a ridiculous shot of Quinn running around the corner in slow motion and tearing the poster off the wall before running away in tears.
Mall. Puck and Rachel are walking through a crowd while Rachel asks why, exactly, Puck has brought her there. He's there to help her see the light. Puck: "You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Finn..." Kurt: "But she will listen to Barbra Streisand." Rachel freaks out for a second at the thought that Barbra might be at the mall. Kurt: "This is a mall in Ohio." And then Kurt points out that if Rachel gets a nose job, she'll be spitting on Barbra's legacy. And then Kurt signals to Puck (who has since wandered away) to play some music. And we get a flash mob dance scene to Duck Sauce's "Barbra Streisand." Somehow, this Barbravention succeeds where logic has failed. Commercials.
Emma furiously cleans a leather chair with a disinfectant wipe while Kathleen Quinlan looks on. Emma eventually gets the chair clean enough to sit on, at which time Kathleen Quinlan tells her that they're out of time. Because this is a therapy session, and Emma has used 48 of the 50 minutes cleaning the chair. And this is probably the best depiction of therapy I've ever seen on network television, as well as a depiction of one of the best therapists I've ever seen. I'm not going to quote the entire scene, because the words don't mean nearly as much without the two excellent performances given by Jayma Mays and Kathleen Quinlan. In brief, Emma is very resistant to the idea that her condition is a problem or is changeable, while the therapist works hard to get her to view it as a disease no different than diabetes. The scene ends with the doctor handing Emma a prescription and asking her to come back in a week. I really hope we see more of this process.
Hallway. Quinn's at her locker when Finn joins her. She's upset because her prom queen campaign has ended. Finn offers to show her something. And then he pulls a picture of Lucy Caboosey out of his wallet. He tells her that it's a picture of his girlfriend, and he likes it better than the one he used to carry. He kisses her. And then as she walks down the hall, she passes the three cult members from earlier (this time with polka-dot headbands instead of bows), admiring the Lucy Caboosey picture because it makes them think of Quinn as a real person. It seems that she has stolen the cult chick vote away from Lauren. And then Lauren joins her and tells her that Jewfro's poll has Quinn way ahead in the race for queen. And then Lauren apologizes to Quinn. And Quinn responds by telling Lauren that she really respects her for loving herself for who she is, whereas Quinn had to get a nose job and lose 70 pounds before she could love herself. They end as friends. Or at least, not as bitter enemies.
Brit-Brit approaches Santana at her locker to reveal her t-shirt. It reads "I'm with Stoopid," with an arrow pointing up at Brit's head. Santana's reads "Bitch." Brit's disappointed, because she was hoping Santana would wear one Brit made for her, reading "Lebanese." It takes Blanche... I mean, "Santana" a second to realize that Brit intended the shirt to read "Lesbian." Brit tells her that Santana's coming out speech to her was so honest and made Brit so proud. Santana tells her not to get used to it, and not to tell anyone about it. Brit: "Why not? You're like, the most awesomest girl at this school, why would you try to hide any of that?" Santana tells her that she's dating Karofsky, to which Brit naturally responds, "That's gross." Santana tells her that she no longer gets a say in who she (Santana) dates. Not because, in Brit's words, "you're Lebanese and I'm bi-curious." But because Santana told Brit she loved her and Brit didn't respond in kind. Brit: "I do love you. Clearly you don't love you as much as I love you or you'd put this shirt on and dance with me."
Emma's office. She stares at a bottle of pills for a while before finally opening it and taking one.
Auditorium stage. Quinn looks like she's been taking styling tips from the cult girls. Will interrupts the kids, who are goofing around, to tell them how proud he is of them and to show them his own t-shirt. Which reads "Butt Chin." Rachel enters to show them her t-shirt, which reads "Nose." But she can't join them in the dancing, because her broken nose is still healing. And Santana is also missing. Will tells the kids to hit it, and we cut to their performance of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." Kurt does the intro, with Tina and Mercedes handling the lead singing. The various t-shirts are as follows: Kurt's reads "Likes Boys"; Tina is "Brown Eyes"; Mike Chang is "Can't Sing" while Finn is "Can't Dance"; Artie's reads "Four Eyes"; Quinn is "Lucy Caboosey"; Puck's reads "I'm With Stoopid," with an arrow pointing down at his crotch; Sam is "Trouty Mouth"; and Lauren is "Bad Attitude." And Mercedes is "No Weave." Oh, wait, that must be a typo, since she wears a weave all the time. Maybe it's "Now, Eave," indicating her strange affection for the eaves of a house? That makes more sense. Backstage, Emma emerges to show Will her new shirt, which reads "OCD." And in the audience, Santana watches the performance with Karofsky. And she's wearing her "Lebanese" t-shirt.
LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and insurance attorney and part-time letterpress operator. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.