So, that was kind of a hot mess of interlocking storylines. Rather than try to deconstruct it all into some semblance of order, let's just take it couple-by-couple, shall we?
Sue and Will. Okay, they're not a couple, except in some very disturbing fanfic. Will's only role in the episode is to learn that Figgins wants the Glee Club to provide the music for prom, and to convey that message to the club. And Sue's only role is to supervise the prom.
Rachel and Jesse. Yeah, you read it right -- Jesse's back. He flunked out of the University of California -- Los Angeles (you may have heard of it -- it's in Los Angeles) and is back in Ohio. He seems to want to pursue something with Rachel, but she's not ready to trust him. So they decide to attend the prom as part of a group, along with...
Sam and Mercedes. She wants to feel like a princess at the prom. He's poor. They dance together. That's about it.
Quinn and Finn. They look really cute going to prom, but he can't keep his eyes off Rachel -- he's clearly filled with jealousy at the return of Jesse. When Rachel and Jesse start making out, Finn confronts him, they fight, and they're both ejected from the prom. And then Quinn loses her race for prom queen. Quinn blames Rachel, and gives her a mighty slap. And then Rachel forgives her and they make up.
Puck and Lauren. Puck's worried that being so nice to his girlfriend is ruining his cred as a bad boy, so he recruits Artie to spike the punch. And neither he nor Lauren win their race for prom king and queen.
Artie and Brit-Brit. He sings a song to get her to accept his invitation to the prom. She turns him down so that she can attend the prom and dance with other people's dates. Heartbroken, he agrees to spike the punch for Puck. Sue catches him and threatens him with torture if he doesn't rat on his accomplice, but she has to back off when he tells her he only spiked the punch with lemonade.
Santana and Karofsky. They ramp up their campaign by escorting Kurt everywhere to "protect" him from bullies. Karofsky is elected prom king, but Santana is not elected queen, which makes her sad.
Finally, Kurt and Blaine. Kurt invites Blaine to prom. Despite his own history of being beat up after his own prom, Blaine agrees to attend. Kurt is elected prom queen in a write-in landslide, and he takes that as a cruel, homophobic joke from the student body. But after crying about it, he decides to stick it to the haters by accepting the crown. Unfortunately, Karofsky won't dance with him. But Blaine steps in, and soon everyone is dancing ecstatically.
Featuring ABBA's "Dancing Queen," performed by Santana and Mercedes, Rebecca Black's "Friday," performed by Puck, Artie, and Sam, Black Kids' "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance," performed by Blaine, Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely?," performed by Artie, Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts," performed by Rachel, and Adele's "Rolling In The Deep," performed by Rachel and Jesse.
We start by diving into the least essential of the episode's storylines. Jewfro is waiting in a crowded hallway to get an on-camera interview with Puck about the race for prom royalty. I always wonder what Jewfro does with these videos. Are they for his website? The school's television station? His own masturbatory video collection? Who knows. In any case, his ambush of Puck (whom Jewfro insists on calling "Noah") is designed to do three things. First, let us know that prom is six days away. Second, let us know that Quinn and Finn have a ten-point lead over Puck and Lauren Tuna in the prom royalty election (with Santana and Karofsky following right behind in third place). Third, raise the idea in Puck's mind that by being so nice and supportive to his girlfriend, he's giving everyone the impression that he's been neutered. Puck threatens violence against Jewfro for raising the last point (which Jewfro did by asking if Lauren has possession of Puck's balls), but Jewfro has gotten a bit braver in recent weeks: "I'm not scared, I've been hit by a girl before." And that ends the interview.
Maharishi's Palace of Plot Contrivance. He's called in Sue and Will to break some bad news to the two of them. Sue assumes that the news is that Will is leaving McKinley due to her devious plan from last episode. As a going away gift, she hands him a spray bottle of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" so he "can keep that head merkin looking buttery fresh." The real bad news that Figgins has is that the band that he'd invited to perform at prom has cancelled. That band? Air Supply. But Figgins has decided to fall back on his second favorite musical group, the New Directions. Sue, as prom coordinator, is incensed at the idea. She thinks that the horrific screeching of the Glee Club will just increase the likelihood that some kid will try to spike the punch, which is served in the very punchbowl in which Sue's grandmother drowned herself. Will is also not that thrilled, because the kids need to practice for Nationals. But Figgins won't take no for an answer. On the plus side, he's offering the Glee Club the entire $400 he was planning on paying Air Supply, to use towards the costs of their trip to Nationals. Sue, recognizing that she's beat, whips out the list of her least favorite New Directions performances (which she keeps on her at all times) in order to insist that the songs not be performed at the prom. Number one on her list? "Run Joey Run."
Music room. Lauren enters with her new besties Santana and Brittany. Really? Anyway, Lauren's complaining about her inability to find a single dress in her size that's suitable for prom. When they hear Lauren threaten to make her own dress, they all warn her that making your own prom dress can only lead to heartbreak (plus leading to Jon Cryer stalking you). Quinn in particular tells her that prom is a once-in-a-lifetime event that she'll remember forever, so if she doesn't get it exactly right she might as well kill herself. I mean, that's what I took away from Quinn's speech. Mercedes is happy that she doesn't have to worry about prom dresses, since she's not going. Which is due to the fact that nobody asked her. And then Will starts the rehearsal or the class or whatever it is by writing the word "prom" on the whiteboard. Demonstrating that he's not the stupidest of the Glee Club dim bulbs, Sam worries that they'll be performing songs about prom. Are there many of those? Or any? Will, of course, is just telling them that they'll be singing at prom. He tells them that he knows they'll all really want to be dancing with their dates instead of performing, so he'll stagger the performances so that everybody has some down time. That upsets Mercedes enough that she does a Rachel and flounces out of the room. Quinn tells Will that Mercedes is upset over her dateless status. Brit-Brit: "So? I don't have a date. I'm just going to dance. And then all your dates are gonna ignore you and come dance with me. So, your dates are really my dates." Rachel goes after Mercedes.
In the hall, Rachel tries to comfort Mercedes by pointing out her own lack of a date. But Mercedes just wants to feel like a pretty, pretty princess for once in her life. She needs to stop watching Cinderella and go watch Tangled. And then she can grow her hair out and kick some ass. In any case, Rachel has an idea.
Breadstix. Kurt and Blaine are sitting at a booth. Kurt, holding Blaine's hand: "Blaine Warbler -- will you go to junior prom with me?" Blaine seems to have some trouble wrapping his head around the very idea of prom, just repeating the word a couple of times. Kurt: "What about prom, Blaine?" It turns out that at his old school, Blaine invited a guy to a dance and the two of them got beat up afterwards by a trio of bullies. So he's a little shell-shocked, promwise. Kurt makes it clear that they don't have to go if it will make Blaine uncomfortable. But Blaine is really crazy about Kurt, so he'll go.
Rachel leads Sam out to the stage. He's hoping it's not a surprise party, since his birthday was a week ago. Actually, it's Rachel and Mercedes, asking him if he'd like to accompany them to the prom. They hand Blaine $20 and propose "prom on a budget." Blaine can borrow a suit and the girls will each buy super cheap dresses at the thrift store, and they'll still have enough left over for dinner at Breadstix. So, hurray! Blaine is going to prom. Commercials.
Dress shop, maybe? Or just some kind of room in which girls try on dresses? It's all very mysterious. Anyway, Kurt has accompanied some Glee Club girls (including Tina, Brit, Lauren, and Auntie 'Tana) to give them style tips on their prom dresses. Lauren is up first, in a giant yellow number with a white fur capelet, which she properly diagnoses as making her look like a lemon meringue pie. Kurt suggests she switch to a navy dress. If they really needed his fashion sense to realize that a darker color would be slimming, I have little hope for these girls. , Santana emerges in a sleek red one-shoulder number. Kurt declares it to be perfection: "Go with God, Satan. I mean, Santana." But Kurt can't stick around to be their pocket gay friend, as he's got to assemble his own prom look. Santana thinks it's tragic that he's going stag, but as we know, he's going with his boyfriend. The girls are all very excited upon hearing the news, except for Santana. She pulls Kurt aside for a private confab. She's worried that he'll face harassment, and offers the Bullywhips as security -- kind of like the Hell's Angels at Altamont Speedway. She thinks this will help transform her into the "law and order Eva Peron candidate," winning her votes in her race for prom queen. And a poster over Santana's shoulder reveals that this is the home ec room.
Artie opens his locker (which contains a picture of Brit). Puck approaches him to ask him to put the "assist" into "bad-ass." It seems that Puck would really like to be crowned the anti-prom king, but to do that he needs to regain some street cred. He thinks he can do this if he spikes the punch at the prom, but he can only do this with Artie's help. Puck plans to lure Sue away from the punch bowl so Artie can slip in and do the deed. Artie decides not to help -- what he's really looking for is some way to impress Brit-Brit enough that she'll forgive him and come to prom with him.
Auditorium stage. Rachel is preparing to rehearse a song she plans to sing at prom, and she wants the AV club, the members of which are working on some prom decor, to let her know if she "was brilliant, or simply outstanding." She sits at the piano and begins singing an a cappella cover of Adele's "Rolling In The Deep." As she finishes the first lines, another voice in the back of the auditorium rings out with the verse. It's Jesse St. James! Rachel's so gobsmacked that she never starts playing the piano, but not so gobsmacked that she doesn't sing a flawless duet with Jesse. Fortunately, the AV Club are all huge Adele fans, and they provide appropriate backup. You can see Rachel get into the pleasure of singing with Jesse for a second, but then she remembers what he did to her and puts her guard back up. After the song, Rachel asks Jesse what he's doing there.
And then it's a few minutes later, and the two of them are sitting out in the auditorium. Jesse has flunked out of school. "How was I supposed to know that I was actually supposed to show up to those other classes at school? I was majoring in show choir. I just assumed it would be like at Carmel, and the school would get some Asian kid to take math and English and scientific for me." He also tells her that he knows that what he did to her is his one great regret. Just the one? No regret for that little scarf you're wearing right now? You might want to rethink that, Jesse. He continues, "I traded love for a fourth consecutive national championship. It was a bum deal. For a first, maybe. But for a fourth, no way." He tells her he's there to make amends, and then asks what she's doing for prom. Commercials.
Hallway. Finn approaches Rachel and tells her he's heard the nasty rumor that Jesse is back in town and that he's her date to the prom. She clarifies that he's joining her group date with Mercedes and Sam, and then also reminds Finn that since he broke up with her, it's really none of his business who she dates. He claims to just want to protect her because he cares about her, but she asks him to be as supportive of her relationship choices as she has been of his relationship with Quinn. So, not at all supportive? Got it. Finn starts complaining about the entire prom experience, what with the campaigning and the fear of picking the wrong corsage. Rachel actually does something supportive, by telling him to get a wrist corsage in a color that matches Quinn's green eyes. And then she leaves before she starts to cry about how very much her angsty, sixteen-year old heart is broken up over Finn.
Speaking of heartbreaking, here comes Karofsky in his heartbreakingly ugly Bullywhips satin jacket. He's on patrol, and he tells Santana over a walkie-talkie that there's no sign of anti-gay violence in the stairwell. She gets v
to her office immediately.In her darkened office, she points a bright light at his face and opens up an aluminum briefcase. It contains her dental tools. Artie is scared that she's going to pull his teeth. Sue: "No. That would get me sent to prison. What I am going to do is attempt to give you a simple cleaning. Which as anyone who's been to the dentist will tell you, is an excruciating affair of intense oral pain." "Excruciating affair of intense oral pain" kind of sounds like my last relationship. Artie tells her that cleanings aren't painful and asks who her dentist is. It turns out she's her own dentist. She tells him the one way to avoid the scraping of doom is to tell her who put him up to spiking the punch. He begs her to let him go, as all he wants to do is get back to the gym so he can have one dance with Brittany. Sue: "Let me get this straight? I'm trying to interrogate you, and you just told me the one thing you really want? You're the worst POW ever. John McCain is rolling over in his grave."
Gym. Blaine is wowing the crowd with Black Kids' "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance." While he sings, Rachel and Jesse are dancing. They're having a lot of fun, while Finn (who is dancing with Quinn) looks on with a grim face. Jesse starts macking on Rachel's neck, and Finn's had enough. He leaves Quinn, walks over to the two of them, and tells them to knock off the sexy stuff. And then Finn and Jesse get into the gayest fight ever, just pushing each other back and forth about twenty times. While that's going on, Becky saves Artie from Sue's clutches by running to her office to get her to break up the fight. At the climactic finish to the song, Finn finally throws a punch. Jesse ducks it, but it doesn't really matter -- Sue is there, and she throws them both out of the prom. Quinn tries to get Sue to leave her prom king there, but Sue's not having it. And then Quinn gives Rachel such an angry look.
Maharishi Figgins is at the microphone, preparing to announce the prom king and queen. The nominees are assembled on the stage. And the king is Karofsky. Santana is thrilled. Quinn is trying to keep it together. And then Figgins announces that due to an overwhelming number of write-in votes, the prom queen is... Kurt. There's dead silence, a spotlight finds Kurt in the front of the audience, and then someone lets out a "woooo." And then there's one slow clap. Kurt, looking shocked, runs out of the room, with Blaine on his tail. Commercials.
LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and insurance attorney and a part-time dental hygienist. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.