This episode was so plot-tastic, I barely know where to begin, but I'll do my best to keep this brief:
Burt Hummel finally proposes to Denim Carole, and Kurt -- in the throes of an absolute gay ecstasy, natch -- immediately begins planning an elaborate wedding set to feature the entire Glee Club as bridesmaids and groomsmen, because Burt and Carole apparently have exactly zero friends and family of their own to step in and fulfill those roles. Unfortunately, Karofsky chooses this especially happy moment to get especially psycho-killer creepy, and when Mr. Schue witnesses a particularly ick-making moment of intimidation in the hallway, he marches Kurt directly into Principal Sue's office to demand that Karofsky be expelled. Alas, there's little Sue can do legally to alleviate the situation, because Karofsky's threats thus far have yet to explode into actual brain-bashing smackdown violence, so Kurt must again suffer in noble silence like the holy gay martyr he is until the other members of the Glee Club decide to do something about it.
New Directions' football contingent -- sans Finn, 'cause he's suddenly got Capital-I Issues with the whole thing -- confronts Karofsky in the locker room before practice, and the situation quickly degenerates into an all-out melee that Coach Beiste is forced to break up by hauling Karofsky off Lady Lips, whom Karofsky has positively pummeled, and still Karofsky remains unpunished. Unpunished, that is, until Burt gets wind of the whole depressing mess, and after Burt demands a sit-down in Sue's office with Dave and his father, Paul, Sue determines that Dave is to be expelled from McKinley effective immediately -- a determination that Mr. Karofsky meekly accepts for all of ten seconds before appealing to the school board, which promptly reinstates Dave, also effective immediately. Kurt insists he cannot remain in the same school as his primary tormentor, so Burt and Carole forgo their elaborate Waikiki honeymoon and use the money to transfer Kurt to Dalton.
Meanwhile, while all that was going on, Rod Remington humiliates Sue on live television by announcing his engagement to his bimbo co-anchor, so Sue decides to marry herself, and not only is she marrying herself, she's marrying herself -- as in, Sue will be the bride, and Sue will be the other bride, and Sue will also be the officiant, thanks to an ordination she purchased on the Internet. The entire storyline's an ungodly mess that makes absolutely no sense, but it does allow for the introduction of Carol Burnett as Sue's long-lost Nazi-hunting mother, and she and Jane Lynch duet in a number that's quite possibly one of the best they've ever produced on this show. But that might just be the raging show-tune queen in me talking.
Also meanwhile, while all of that was going on, Finn has a crisis of confidence related to his evidently non-existent leadership abilities, which I totally wasn't paying attention to because so much other shit was happening tonight. The good news is, he got over it in time for Burt and Carole's endless frigging wedding, which took up the better part of this evening's second half. Heartfelt vows were exchanged, heartfelt toasts were offered, and Bruno Mars made a shit-ton of money. Oh, and they also ripped off that infamous wedding party entrance that seems like it originally occurred approximately three hundred trillion years ago, but in fact only took place in July 2009.
I have a horrible feeling I'm missing something terribly important, but I'm sure I'll catch it in the recap proper.
Featuring well-deployed instrumentals of "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" and "Be My Baby" that ended up being the only musical elements of this musical comedy's first thirty minutes; Wonderful Town's "Ohio," wonderfully performed by Carol Burnett and Jane Lynch; Bruno Mars's "Marry You," performed by the entire Glee Club as Burt and Carole's processional; the English language version of Pablo Beltrán Ruiz's "¿Quién será?" as performed by Mr. Schue at Burt and Carole's wedding reception; and Bruno Mars's "Just The Way You Are" as performed by the entire wedding party, also at Burt and Carole's wedding reception. I told you that goddamn wedding lasted forever.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see the show's Best Musical Moments!
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After the unnecessary previouslies, the screen fills with Kurt Hummel's ecstatic face. Shut up, Kurt. Wow, this is going to be a long evening. Kurt's roaming through McKinley's halls with his father on one arm and Denim Carole on the other, and the adults look nearly as pleased as the child. They bubble up to a typically befuddled-looking Finn, who goes, "What's going on?" "They bombarded me," Kurt replies, nodding to either side, "and forced me to bring them to you." Burt and Carole immediately proceed to natter away at each other, all "You tell him!" "No, you tell him!" until Carole somehow prevails and Burt plasters a broad smile across his face to open, "So, you know how I drive Carole to work every Tuesday?" Finn apparently does. "Well," Burt continues, detaching himself from Kurt to sidle on over between Finn and his mother, "today I drove here, and we snuck into that classroom where Kurt introduced us -- very romantic of me, I might add -- and..." "HE PROPOSED!" Carole shrieks, no longer able to contain herself. "HE PROPOSED!" she shrieks again, flapping her new engagement ring in her son's face. Finn dims something dull-witted as Burt and Carole move in on each other for a smooch, and when the parentals finally come up for air, Carole grins, "We wanted the two of you to be the first to know!" "After the kids in that homeroom," Burt amends.
He pulls everyone together for a "family group hug," and to say that Finn is not amused with this shocking development would be something of an understatement. Utterly blind to her son's obvious discomfort for what I'm guessing are entirely understandable reasons, Carole flutters about her sudden-onset pre-wedding jitters, allowing Kurt the perfect opportunity to assume complete creative control of the now-impending nuptials like the good little party-planning homosexual all of us are required to be on TV. "I have a trunkful of wedding magazines hidden under my bed!" he squeals, and I'd tell him to shut up again, but I've a feeling if I told him to shut up every time he needs to shut up tonight, this recap will end up bearing a striking resemblance to this masterpiece, so I'll instead keep my own mouth closed for the moment and listen on as Kurt babbles, "I'm thinking of a russet-and-cognac theme -- those are colors, Finn, fall wedding colors. Autumnal!" Finn studiously avoids eye contact with his soon-to-be stepbrother, all the while visibly withering with embarrassment over being associated with the lisping cliché now working himself into a hyperventilating tizzy over the prospect of draping Denim Carole's bridesmaids in varying shades of reddish brown and brownish red. Or maybe that's me with all the withering and such.
In any event, Burt cheerily warns Kurt against indulging in anything "too extravagant," for he intends to spend whatever savings they have on a honeymoon in Waikiki at "the hotel where they put up the guest stars on Lost." Classy. Carole finally makes note of Finn's downcast demeanor and wonders what gives. "I guess I'm just kind of stunned," he mumbles, indeed looking like someone's just whapped him upside the head with a mallet, and I'd compliment Cory Monteith on his mad acting skillz in this particular moment were it not for the fact that "just whapped upside the head with a mallet" tends to be Finn's default expression. Burt, mindful of last season's unpleasantness, assures Finn he's already looking for a bigger house so everybody can have their own rooms, and Carole urges, "C'mon, Finn! Be happy for me!" Finn insists he is, and I'm sure he's telling the truth, but he's so clearly miserable at the prospect of being tethered to Kurt in this way that I'm certain we've arrived at his central conflict for the evening, and words cannot express how much I already hate this episode. Burt obliviously blows past all of this, however, in favor of instructing his son like so: "I want you to take care of one thing -- I don't care about the food or the booze at this party, but I want one heck of a band." He's been eating right and exercising, you see, and thus wants "to boogie with Carole" at the reception. "It's already taken care of!" Kurt burbles, giddily clapping his hands together. "I'm gonna hire New Directions as your band, right? It won't cost you a cent! They're cheap, they're available -- long story short, you're having a Glee wedding!" Homicidal. I am positively homicidal at the moment. Title card.
"Today is a red-letter day," Sue announces in voiceover. The camera finds her at her desk in the principal's office, busily stuffing what appear to be at least five hundred wedding invitations as her voiceover continues, "The big day has finally arrived for one Sue Sylvester." "Be My Baby" kicks in on the soundtrack as Sue calls out for Becky, who's apparently acting as Sue's secretary-slash-gofer while Sue maintains control of the Maharishi's job, and Sue sends her mini-me off to the post office with a batch of freshly licked envelopes as her voiceover muses, "And to think that this joyous occasion began in horror!"
Smear sideways to the WOHN news studios for a recent edition of "Sue's Corner." "Which is why I just prefer to think of the homeless as outdoorsy!" Sue grins before concluding, "So shine on, urban campers! You smell like adventure!" And that's how Sue Cs it. Over at the anchor desk, Rod Remington unctuously congratulates Sue on yet another insightful segment, then notes he'd like to make an announcement. Andrea Carmichael, who'd been silently and vapidly smiling at Rod's side, interrupts to coo, "Rod and I are engaged!" As Andrea shoves her ring towards the cameras, Sue's jaw drops with shock. "I popped the question in my building's common-use hot tub," Rod overshares. "Boo-ya!" "Not to worry, ladies," he adds, "it's an open marriage. We'll be right back!" The instant the booth cuts to commercial, Sue storms over to seethe, "How dare you humiliate me like that? People know you and I dated!" "You can't tame the tiger," Rod incomprehensibly replies. "You've read my tattoos," he reminds her, still not making any sense. "Face it, Sue," Andrea smugs, "you're never gonna find someone, and you're gonna die alone."
Smear sideways again to what I'm guessing is Sue's apartment, later that very same evening. "So I decided to try online dating," Sue's voiceover narrates as the camera drifts across the profile she's just set up for herself on eDesperate.com. The things this "27-year-old" "legend" is most passionate about include "extreme taxidermy," "tantric yelling," and "poking the elderly with hidden pins." "There was only one match for Sue Sylvester," the voiceover notes with what sounds like an immense amount of pride. "One Sue Sylvester!"
Smear back to the present, where "Be My Baby" is now in full swing as Sue licks a vanity postage stamp featuring her own inimitable image and affixes it to an envelope addressed to "President and Mrs. Barack Obama." "So thanks, eDesperate!" her voiceover all but sings. "I'm over the moon -- or maybe I'm a little high from all this adhesive -- but I wanna scream from the highest mountain: Sue Sylvester is marrying herself!" Just go with it, because it's the justification for Carol Burnett's presence in this episode, and as Carol Burnett's presence is about the only thing this episode can count in its favor, I'm more than inclined to let this plot point's complete and total insanity slide. The invitations, by the way, read simply, "Sue Sylvester invites you to the wedding of Sue Sylvester and Sue Sylvester," and "Be My Baby" ratchets up in volume as Sue examines one of them with what can only be described as an expression of exultant triumph.
Locker room. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen pumps some reps with a pair of hand weights, admiring his pallid reflection in the mirrors until Frankenteen lumbers over to kick-start Sam's worthless storyline for this evening. Seems Lady Lips intends to recapture the position of quarterback because Lady Lips is sick of being slushied, and he believes that leading McKinley's football team to victory will exempt him from such tawdry treatment in the future. Finn, feeling threatened, rather bitchily warns that gridiron glory won't put Sam back on top, especially since Sam can't get Quinn to be his girlfriend. "I'm working on that, too," Sam notes, and the thing we know, we've shot over to...
...McKinley's still inexplicable astronomy classroom, where Sam and Quinn find themselves mired in a lengthy and boring sequence that basically boils down to this: Sam drops to one knee, presents Quinn with a promise ring, vows to be there for her whenever she needs him, and expresses his determination to marry her someday. Quinn quite rightly thinks he's crazy, tells him as much in so many words, and breezes on out of there to her class. !
Hall. For some reason, Kurt's decided to store Burt and Carole's cake topper in his locker, and he's presently busy smiling down fondly at the thing when Frankenteen lurches over to discuss the "Wedding Day Itinerary" Kurt prepared at some point in the last four minutes. "Are you sure we should release three hundred live doves indoors?" Finn wonders. "Won't that get kind of...messy?" "That's why we feed them glitter," Kurt replies, and it's a shame I hate this wedding crap so much, because the idea of Kurt force-feeding glitter to doves so he can get some festive bird shit on his father's special day really is kind of funny.
In any event, this itinerary discussion is simply a pretext for Finn to bring up his real concern, which is that he appear leader-like at his mother's wedding. No, I don't understand it, either, but I suppose that doesn't matter, because Kurt apparently does, and he already has the perfect solution for Finn's dilemma: "A lovely mother-and-son dance in front of everyone." "That's a terrible idea!" Finn protests. "Everybody knows I'm the worst dancer." Not with Lady Lips in the cast, you aren't, but that's beside the point, for Finn's protestations exist simply to set up a scene later in the episode, so let's listen in as Kurt asserts, "Trust me on this -- I have been planning weddings since I was two. My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations, they were like Fleetwood Mac." "I guess if I could pull it off," Finn supposes, "it would make me seem like a cool stud!" And that's not a creepy or disgusting sentiment at all! Finn thanks Kurt for the latter's brilliant plan, and he dolts off just as Karofsky arrives to kick-start this evening's fourth primary storyline, which is of course Saint Kurt's ongoing martyrdom at the hands of a closet case. With barely a word, Karofsky drives Kurt backwards into the lockers by drilling a thick finger into Kurt's chest, and then he steals Burt and Carole's cake topper. That was underwhelming.
Unfortunately, Mr. Schue disagrees with me, and he motors on over to Kurt's side to make a federal case out of the whole thing. In this, he is greatly assisted by Kurt's histrionic reaction to Karofsky's vicious pokery, and they waste no time in dragging us over to The Maharishi's once and future office, where Principal Sue asks, "Did he physically hurt you?" Kurt's forced to admit that Karofsky did not. "You said he shoved you into the lockers before," Mr. Schue interjects, trying to be helpful, but Principal Sue notes, "I can't expel a kid just for shoving -- he'll say, 'I didn't mean to shove that kid, I tripped!' That excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time." Heh. Kurt cuts through Principal Sue's delicious insanity to claim that Karofsky "terrified" him, but that's not grounds for expulsion, either. "Lady," Principal Sue begins, addressing Kurt with her usual nickname for him, "I can't suspend a student because he scares you." "High school is a dry run for the rest of your life," she observes, and as such, "it can be rough -- people can be mean." Mr. Schue is outraged. "That's your advice?" he eyebrows. "That's all you have to say?"
The long-suffering Saint Kurt presses the back of his downtrodden hand against his weary forehead as Principal Sue exposits, "William, I was bullied my entire life -- I grew up with a handicapable sister, and I know very well how cruel people can be." "Was it difficult?" she continues rhetorically, easing herself into her chair as she calmly lays it on the line for them. "Yes. Did it make me stronger? You bet it did." Saint Kurt deliberately ignores everything Principal Sue just told him in favor of waxing beleaguered over Karofsky's vicious pokery for a while before blurting out, "You don't know what's going on in this kid's head! You don't know what he's capable of!"
Both Mr. Schue and Principal Sue pick up on Saint Kurt's unintentional slip of the tongue, and Mr. Schue asks the martyr what he meant by his last remark. Instead of doing something sensible -- like, oh, telling them what a huge fucking 'mo Karofsky is, Saint Kurt brushes his last remark off as nothing, leading Principal Sue to lean forward across her desk to stress, "Lady, this kid lays a finger on you, you come straight to me, and I will expel him faster than a Thai takeout place can read back your delivery order, okay?" Settling back in her chair again, she apologetically adds, "But until that happens, there's nothing legally I or the school board can do." Mr. Schue sighs, and he and Saint Kurt rise to leave, with the martyr melodramatically pausing at the exit to whisper in his very best Afterschool Special tones, "You know, when you call me 'Lady,' that's bullying!" Bitch, please. "I'm sorry," Principal Sue beautifully replies, "I thought that was your name. As an apology, I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: 'Gelfling,' 'Porcelain,' or 'Tickle Me Doughface.'" "I guess I'll go with 'Porcelain,'" Saint Kurt sniffs. "Damn," Principal Sue shakes her head. "Totally wanted 'Tickle Me Doughface.'" Really, Sue? 'Cause 'Gelfling' is so on-the-nose, it's terrifying. Commercial.
"Ow!" Carol Burnett flinches upon contact with Sue. "You poked me in my sternum!" she claims, passively-aggressively explaining, "I always forget that you have this rib cage that's kind of weird." "But adorable!" Carol Burnett adds as she crosses to sit, entirely uninvited. "What are you doing here?" Sue demands, uncharacteristically flustered by Carol Burnett's apparently unexpected presence. "Good news, Suze!" Carol Burnett smiles. "We finally caught the last Nazi!" As you'll no doubt recall, both of Sue's parents were famous Nazi hunters, but now that job's evidently come to a close. "For two and a half years," Carol Burnett reveals, "we've been hot on the trail of Eva Braun's great-nephew, Chad, and you know what? He's been under our noses this whole time, working in Phoenix as a CPA!" "I felt bad taking him out," Carol Burnett chuckles, oblivious to Sue's mighty scowl. "I mean, it's punishment enough to live there -- have you ever been to Phoenix? It's a hellhole." As I couldn't agree with her more if I tried, I'm liking Carol Burnett immensely at the moment.
Sue finally finds her voice, and rather stridently wonders where the hell Carol Burnett's been for the last three years, and has Carol Burnett gone to see the handicapable Sylvester over at the home? Carol Burnett has not, though she has every intention of doing so once she figures out what's going on with Sue's "ridiculous" wedding. "Have you given up on love?" Carol Burnett nags. Not waiting for Sue's answer, Carol Burnett continues, "I mean, when you were little, the other mothers used to tell me that you'd never find anybody, but I said, 'No, no, no, no! She's a perfectly okay child -- she'll grow into her looks!' And you know what? I believe you still might." Ha!
In any event, and long story short, Sue hadn't planned on inviting Carol Burnett to her wedding to herself, but now that Carol Burnett's here, she's welcome to attend. "I know exactly what I'm going to do!" Carol Burnett declares. "You remember when you were a little girl?" she asks. "And you used to ask me to sing to you? And I never had the time, so you'd line up your little dollies, and they'd sing to each other? Appalachian murder ballads?" Sue smiles wistfully at the fond memory. "Well," Carol Burnett announces, "I am going to be there for you this time: I am going to sing at your wedding!" Sue blinks.
Hall. Much to Rachel's extremely loud consternation, Finn refuses to join the others in taking a stand against Karofsky. Why? I'll let Frankenteen himself explain: "Karofsky plays right guard -- if he gets pissed at me, I'm gonna get sacked more times than Jay Cutler, which means we're gonna lose, which means Beiste is gonna make Sam quarterback." Does anyone care about any of this? Didn't think so. !
Locker room. Artie and Gaylord Weiner confront Karofsky at the latter's locker, ordering him to lay off Saint Kurt, now. Because Karofsky likely takes bigger dumps than Artie and Gaylord mashed together, the closet case is unsurprisingly unintimidated, and he shoves Gaylord backwards into Artie's chair. The two of them go toppling to the floor, so Lady Lips launches himself at Karofsky's throat, and manly tussling ensues until Coach Beiste arrives to break it all up just in time for the commercial break. Hey, this show's supposed to be a musical comedy, right? So where the fuck is the music?
Music room. Aftermath. Quinn applies an icepack to Sam's blackened eye as the others gossip about what went down in the locker room, with both Mercedes and Santana pointedly wondering where Finn was while Karofsky kicked nerdy Glee Club ass. Finn lies that he was still out on the field, and there's some unimportant chatter about Sam's outstanding display of leadership, or whatever, that only serves to make Frankenteen feel worse about himself, and then Saint Kurt masochistically pipes up that it's all his cross to bear alone, and Mr. Schue finally enters to start rehearsal, and is this episode over yet? It isn't? Shit.
Oh, wait. I take that back, because we're at long last getting a production number, and as it promises to prominently feature Carol Burnett, I'm thinking it's going to kick more nerdy Glee Club ass than Karofsky did in the locker room. We've cut over to the brand-new auditorium set to find Sue cooling her heels onstage with Tinkles and about a dozen kids from McKinley's orchestra. Carol Burnett eventually enters, and she introduces what follows to Sue like so: "I know you always resented my leaving, but I don't think you ever truly appreciated the sacrifices I made to be a famous Nazi hunter! I don't think you ever thought about how hard it was on me, so this is the song I'm going to sing at your wedding." With that, she passes a sheaf of sheet music over to Sue, who glances at the title and rolls her eyes as her mother summons Tinkles to the piano. "I know you know it," Carol Burnett trills, taking her place center stage, "and it's one of my favorites -- hit it!" With that, she launches herself into "Ohio" from Wonderful Town. After the first verse, Sue joins in on harmony, and I couldn't be more delighted that this show resurrected this particular little-known tune, though upon rewatch, the changes they made to the patter at the song's center to give it Glee-specific relevance do seem a little forced. But, you know, let's face it: The changes here are miles above the crap they shoehorned into "Rose's Turn" for Kurt, so I should probably knock it off with the criticism.
And when it's over, after Sue and Doris have shared a lovely harmonized moment of seeming unity in wishing that Doris stay home for a change, Doris stomps all over the mood by sighing, "Well, that wasn't as good as I thought it would be." Heh. She checks her watch, realizes she's running late for a fitting, makes note of the fact that she's wearing white to her daughter's wedding, and skedaddles, singing the last line of the song as she goes. Tinkles shoots Sue A Look.
Music room. Kurt's conducting a remedial "wedding dance seminar" for the benefit of his father and his future stepbrother, neither of whom have been known for their smooth moves on the dance floor, and wouldn't you know it? The moment Kurt and Finn clasp hands for a foxtrot, Karofsky appears in the doorway to make with the little limp-wristed faggot gestures. "What the hell was that?" Burt blurts. Saint Kurt's all, "Nothing!" but Burt won't take that for an answer, and at Finn's urging, Saint Kurt reluctantly informs his father of Karofsky's unwanted attentions as of late. Burt, no fool, knows Kurt's holding back on some important detail, so Saint Kurt's forced to admit that Karofsky threatened to kill him -- though Kurt, of course, does not provide the reasons behind that supposed threat -- and Burt immediately races out into the hallway to slam Karofsky up against a bulletin board and make with a few threats of his own. Kurt and Finn chase after him and eventually drag Burt away, and the thing we know, we're back in...
...The Once And Future Lair Of The Maharishi, where Principal Sue's summoned Burt, Kurt, Karofsky, and Karofsky's father Paul for a chat. "So," she calmly begins, "it seems the situation has reached a boiling point." "Nothing happened!" Karofsky protests. "He's making all this stuff up!" "Hold on a sec," Paul interrupts. "You have been acting differently lately, David," he acknowledges, noting that Karofsky fils has let his grades slide in the last few months, and on top of that, Dave's been backtalking and acting out at home, so why shouldn't they all believe Kurt? "We are wasting our time," Burt declares, turning to Sue to add, "It's your job to protect the people!" "I couldn't agree more," she nods, and with that, she turns to Junior Karofsky to dispense the following bit of so-called justice: "You are hereby expelled. I will not have one student threatening the life of another. If you don't think this is fair, well, you can appeal to the school board, but you'll leave campus immediately." Shockingly enough, Paul Karofsky seems to accept this without protest, and he quietly rises to his feet to make a rather meek exit with his wayward son. Which probably means he's about to slap the district with a multimillion-dollar lawsuit, but whatever. With his primary adversary now banned from campus, Kurt heaves a tremendous sigh of relief. For his part, Burt thanks Sue for her prompt handling of the situation, and as he escorts his own wayward son from the room, Sue calls out, "Enjoy your wedding!" Well, I suppose somebody has to. Commercials.
We return from the break to find brutally stupid Finn wrestling with a clip-on tie. Santana Lopez materializes, seemingly out of the ether, and as she's swathed in varying shades of reddish brown and brownish red, I'm guessing we've arrived at the first wedding of the evening. Also, remember how I went to great lengths to transcribe Santana's dark threat against Dwarf Rachel a few paragraphs ago? This is the payoff. Santana has Finn sit so she can clip that difficult tie onto him herself, and as she fusses with his collar, she too-casually remarks, "I'm guessing you know that you're losing it -- I mean, Sam is clearly the new glee favorite, he's gonna become starting quarterback..." "What's your point?" Finn interrupts. "My point," Santana smiles, carefully adjusting Finn's collar the entire time, "is that you need a coolness injection -- if we were honest, and we told people we did it last year? You would go from uncool to Chilly Willy in a heartbeat!" Finn can't do that, because he told Rachel that nothing happened on the night in question, and Rachel herself not one side-smear ago finally confessed that she never did anything with the much-missed Jesse St. James, either, so if Rachel finds out now that Finn's been lying to her this entire time, she'd break up with him. "And this would be bad because...?" Santana leads. "Because I'm in love with her, and I don't want to hurt her feelings!" Finn splutters. Santana's patience snaps at that, and she instantly ramps her fabulous bitch factor up to eleven to peeve, "Okay, don't you see that that midget is like an anchor dragging you down to the depths of loserdom?" Finn loses his temper and orders her to leave, so Santana slyly suggests, "Maybe I'll tell her -- I mean, if you two broke up, we'd be free to see each other, right?" On cue, clueless Rachel arrives at this very instant to look all waifish and vulnerable and such, so Santana beats it, but not before tossing Finn A Look Fraught With Significance. DUN!
Church. A grist of McKinley band geeks synth-pop their way into the opening vamp of Bruno Mars's "Marry You," and Will and a bunch of people we've never seen before take this as their cue to pivot in their seats for the bridal party's processional. And as I noted in the recaplet, that processional is a direct rip-off of off this one, which occurred so many pop culture cycles ago that it seems like some bizarre and obscure Bronze Age ritual they decided to dredge up for whatever godawful reason. Also, because Burt and Carole apparently have no family or friends of their own, the bridal party is composed entirely of Glee Club members. What sad, sad human beings these people are. In any event, the children belt out the number as they shimmy down the aisle, and I want to say it's very cute, but I hated the original version of this obnoxious mess so much, I'm afraid that will be impossible. Eventually, everyone reaches the altar, and the priest steps forward to begin the nontraditional ceremony, in which no prayers will be recited in favor of having Burt and Carole offer those gathered their personal thoughts on this joyous occasion, and if there's one thing I absolutely cannot stand, it's self-obsessed navel-gazing nitwits forgoing tradition in favor of offering their personal thoughts. HATE. However, in the interest of completeness, I shall endeavor to jot down everything that is said.
On second thought, fuck that idea right in the ear, because Burt's babbling about God grabbing him roughly by the shoulders, and it's starting to sound like some exceptionally perverse piece of fan fiction, so all of these people can rot in Hell. Just know that both Burt and Carole use their speeches to lavish an uncomfortable amount of praise upon Saint Kurt -- to the point where even I started to feel sorry for Finn, of all the doltish toolbags -- and then they exchange rings, and it's over. Jesus, TV weddings suck. Also: More commercials.
Reception. We arrive back from the break just in time to catch the newlyweds' first dance together, and it's set to the English language version of Pablo Beltrán Ruiz's "¿Quién será?" better known as "Sway." Mr. Schue's taking the honors at the microphone, and it's about as bland as bland can be, though Burt and Carole do seem to be having a lot of fun, so, you know. Good for them. I guess. And when it's over, Mr. Schue calls Frankenteen to the floor so the latter might gift us all with his toast to the bride and groom, and normally, I would endeavor to jot down everything that is said, but after Finn takes a moment to thank his mother for everything she's done for him, he starts nattering about all of those asinine 'shipper names like "Finchel" and "Puckleberry," and my ears are bleeding, and I think I'm about to vomit all over my keyboard, so I'll be skipping ahead to the part where Finn finally gets to the goddamn motherfucking point already. And as that goddamn motherfucking point appears to be "Saint Kurt is the most amazing and superspecial person on the planet, and aren't we just blessed to be in his amazing and superspecial presence?" -- at his mother's frigging wedding, mind you -- I'll be skipping ahead to the part where he introduces an amazing and superspecial presentation the Glee Club has thrown together in Saint Kurt's honor. At his mother's frigging wedding. HATE.
ANY-way, the wholly inappropriate presentation is New Directions' version of Bruno Mars's "Just The Way You Are," and Bruno Mars must be making fucking bank on this godforsaken episode, so, you know. Good for him. I guess. The kids swarm the dance floor to get things started while Finn handles most of the singing on his own, but after a bit, Frankenteen drags Saint Kurt from the head table so they might unapologetically foxtrot with each other, and then Carole and Burt jump up to join in all of the so-called "fun," and by the time we head into the commercial break, all of the guests are on their feet as well. And that's pretty much all I have to say about that. !
Nursing home. The Sylvester ladies have assembled in the home's common room for Sue's wedding rehearsal, apparently, and as Jean carefully places a Sue-appropriate topper on the cake -- it's two Sues, in tracksuits -- Doris smarms something about how wonderful it is to spend quality time with her girls. Jean shoots back something sharp about how Doris repeatedly abandoned her children, but all of this amounts to little more than a prelude for Sue's grand entrance in a slimming blue tracksuit-inspired gown, complete with a couple of cunning sets of racing stripes down the sleeves. It's meant to be hilarious, of course, but I feel so beaten down by this episode at this point that I'm barely able to muster a smirk at the thing. "What in the G.D. hell?" Doris mutters as Sue parades regally onto the center of the carpet. Yes, Doris. Exactly. "This is insane!" she sighs while Sue runs through her vows with herself. See above. And when Sue reaches the part of the ceremony where she tells herself to kiss herself, Doris leaps from her armchair to decry the "bizarre" proceedings, and long story short, Sue angrily points out that her mother always has been and always will be a bully right before she disinvites Doris from the wedding. "What about my song?" Doris snits. "You are welcome to sing 'The Sound Of Silence' in your hotel room, right now," Sue ices. Doris offers a few parting shots as she makes her way out the door, but neither Sue nor Jean seem to care, and to be honest with you, neither do I.
McKinley hallway. Quinn meets up with Sam at his locker, and she's wearing his promise ring. And that's it, apparently. Why'd they even bother trying to shoehorn this subplot into this episode?
The Once And Future Lair Of The Maharishi. "This is absolutely unacceptable," Carole insists. Burt, seated nearby, complains, "This psycho threatens my kid's life, and some school board -- made up of people I've never met -- tells me there's nothing they can do about it?" "Oh, they could do something about it," Principal Sue assures him, "they just decided not to." Evidently, Paul Karofsky appealed his son's expulsion to the Lima school board, and as no one stepped forward to testify that they witnessed Dave manhandling Kurt, and as Kurt's report of the supposed death threat amounts to little more than a case of he said/he said, the school board president had no choice but to reinstate Karofsky fils with a warning for the latter to keep his nose clean, lest he risk expulsion again. Kurt shrills that he can't go back to the way things were before, all of a day or so ago, and Sue agrees that the position he finds himself in is unacceptable. For that reason, she is resigning as principal effective immediately, so she can get out from behind a desk and act as another pair of eyes in the mean, hard hallways of McKinley High to prevent any future incidents of bullying from occurring. Unless, of course, she herself is the instigator of said incidents. I'm guessing.
And as a series of glum-looking Cheerios haul Sue's largest trophy back to her old office from The Once And Future Lair Of The Maharishi, Saint Kurt drama-queens, "Well, I guess I'll try to enjoy the rest of the day, before the terror starts anew." SHUT UP, NANCY. Oh, that felt good. Maybe I should have kept telling him to cram it all the way through this thing. In any event, Burt and Carole look at each other, silently reach a decision, and ask Saint Kurt to hold up for a second, as there's something they'd like to discuss with him.
Music room. Saint Kurt enters shortly after the bell has rung and, after receiving permission from Mr. Schue, addresses his fellows as follows: "First, I wanted to thank everyone for what you did at my dad's wedding, especially Finn. It's nice to know that I have great friends here, as well as a true brother, which is why it's so hard for me to leave." Were there an actual record playing in the background, this is where we'd get the needle scratch. "What do you mean, 'leave'?" Quinn asks. "I'm transferring to Dalton Academy," Saint Kurt announces. "My parents are using the money they saved up for their honeymoon to pay for the tuition." Oh, my God, I hate him SO MUCH right now. Not only did he somehow connive to make his parents' entire wedding All About Him, he's now successfully conspired to rob them of their honeymoon? I know I said this before, but if the little shit would just stop blowing all of his father's money on Issey Miyake originals, he'd be able to afford tuition at Dalton and tuition at college and tuition for his goddamned Master's and Ph.D. Spoiled little obnoxious sack of crap.
Whatever. Lamentations arise from the peanut gallery on the risers, but it's only Rachel -- God love her -- who's able to think of a truly relevant question: "Um, does this mean you're going to be competing against us at Sectionals?" Heh. Mercedes rises from her chair to plead with him to stay, but Saint Kurt's made up his mind, and he stalks off into this evening's final blackout alone.
Fucking martyr.
week: Sectionals! Gee, I wonder if they'll win, even though they've spent all of zero hours this season preparing for it? Hmmm?
Demian has a big problem, and surprisingly enough, it's not with Single-T Tina's promo ensemble. You may throw things at him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.