Sue deploys Lauren Tuna as a human bioweapon, infecting Figgins and Will with a virulent strain of monkey flu. As a result, Sue is made temporary principal, and Holly Holiday (a.k.a. Gwyneth Paltrow) becomes the substitute Spanish teacher. And, after the other kids get sick of Rachel's egocentric reign of terror, Kurt also recruits Ms. Holiday to run the Glee Club. Holly turns out to be a little too eager to make the kids happy, giving them the educational equivalent of a diet of daily Happy Meals. And speaking of diet, Sue's primary initiative as principal is to ban the dreaded tater tot and force the kids to eat healthy food at lunch. Mercedes, trying to fill the emotional void in her life that develops when Kurt starts spending all his time with Blaine, leads a revolt against the imposition of good health, and nearly gets suspended. As is always the case, the Spanish teacher/Glee Club instructor gets called in to the principal's office to defend a kid accused of wrongdoing. But Holly freezes up and fails to get Mercedes out of her jam. As a result, she realizes that she's really not a very good teacher, and resigns, just in time for Will to get well and take his job back. (Did I mention that Sue fired him at one point? Well, she did.) But Will has learned a lesson, and realizes he needs to start incorporating some newer music into his set lists. Because a little junk food is fine in moderation.
The other plots are basically about relationships. As noted, Kurt is spending tons of time with Blaine and neglecting Mercedes. By the end of the episode she (maybe?) learns that she has to start taking care of herself instead of just waiting around for love to strike. And Terri comes over to Will's house to take care of him, at the request of a neighbor who's sick of his overwhelming neediness. She does a good job making him feel babied, while the rest of us become sick at the sight. He sends her away, but asks her to come back after realizing that if he doesn't get well, Holly's going to replace him in the hearts of his students. Terri's second visit results in them sleeping together. She thinks that means they're back on, so Will has to break her heart (and her sanity) all over again when she drops by again. Last, and least, Karofsky threatens to kill Kurt if he ever tells anyone about last week's kiss.
Featuring the expurgated radio version of Cee Lo Green's "Fuck You," "Make 'Em Laugh," "Nowadays/Hot Honey Rag" from Chicago, and a mash-up of "Singing in the Rain" and Rhianna's "Umbrella." Oh, and a snippet of "Conjunction Junction." What's your function?
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see the plotlines the show should borrow from Nip/Tuck!
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Previously, on Glee, Kurt followed Meathead Karofsky into the locker room to berate him for his constant bullying and ended up getting a kiss instead of a pummeling. A wise friend told me she feared that episode made it seem like confronting a bully, especially a sexually-confused one, was a safe thing to do. So, to any kids reading this who are being bullied, I say this -- you absolutely do not deserve to be treated that way. You need to do whatever you can to keep yourself safe and get away from the people who are bullying. If you can, find an adult in your life you can speak with -- parents, teachers, counselors, friends' parents. If the adults in your life are the bullies, find some other adults who will protect you or who will at least talk to you and help you think of ways to keep yourself safe. You'll find adults like that at the Trevor Project (866-488-7386) and at local community groups. And if you absolutely have to, find some other people you can live with (uncles, aunts, grandparents, family friends) and get away from your school (or your home) and the bullies who are there. But don't follow the ringleader bully into an empty locker room to confront him. Because while some people may bully others because of peer pressure or because they're insecure about their own status in some tribal hierarchy, the ones who are totally obsessed with your sexual orientation are really screwed up in one way or another. And they are much less likely to kiss you than they are to beat the crap out of you.
Anyway, on to this episode. When someone mentions Ryan Murphy and Gwyneth Paltrow in the same sentence (which happens all the time), my mind automatically drifts back to former TWoP recapper Gustave. After I hunted him down and worked my way through his three personal assistants, he graciously agreed to watch this episode with me in his fabulous Tribeca loft while we sipped martinis. I'll share some of his comments at appropriate points in the episode.
A bevy of cheerless Cheerios carry an enormous trophy down the hall like a battering ram. Has Sue finally allied herself with Sauron? Will enters the school and greets Sue. She stops him to point out his error: "It's Principal Sue." Will is as gobsmacked as you might think, and he wants to know what happened to Figgins. Sue: "A particularly virulent strain of monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo, where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud, bisexual primates, not unlike your very Glee Club." Will asks how Figgins caught the monkey pox, and we smear sideways...
... to Figgins, in the hallway telling some young men what it means to be an American. Lauren Tuna is standing at her locker while Sue, wearing a surgical mask, looks on. Lauren complains about a fever, but Sue tells her to shut up. And then, as Figgins makes his mostly innocent way down the hallway, Sue deploys Lauren Tuna in his direction and gives her the command to let loose with both torpedo tubes. And by "torpedo tubes," I mean "nostrils." And the torpedoes are thousands of tiny snot-droplets, which Lauren Tuna proceeds to spray all over Figgins in a slow-motion sneeze.
Back in the present, Will asks how Figgins' illness resulted in Sue becoming principal. She tells him that it's a clause in her contract. She has the most amazing contract ever. Whoever negotiated it should come work for my law firm. (I mean it. We need people.) Sue tells Will her first order of business as principal: "Destroy the Glee Club." Will: "I thought we were friends?" Sue: "That got boring." She walks away. As Will turns to walk in the other direction, he gets a faceful of Lauren Tuna torpedoes. Which, again, are snot-droplets. Title card.
Will, looking a little flushed, is writing on the white board in the music room. His inner monologue tells us that he's feeling a little sick, but that he thinks he needs to power through it. He tells the kids that it's time they start thinking about song choices for Sectionals. Isn't it a little early for that? I mean, isn't the normal practice to make those decisions about an hour before the competition? And then he turns around to look at the kids, and they've all been replaced by Glee Babies. The camera starts tilting back and forth, both to convey Will's nausea and to torment those of us who suffer from motion sickness. Baby Santana tells Baby Puckerman that he's looking good, and the mohawked tot kisses his biceps: "These guns are fully loaded." Baby Rachel wants to use Sectionals as an opportunity to "start exploring the oeuvre of one Bernadette Peters." Baby Brit-Brit: "Some day, I'm going to go to Paris and go to the Oeuvre." Baby Mike Chang just wants to dance, and Baby Mercedes has the decency to ask Will about his health, since he looks like crap. Will excuses himself and departs for the nurse's office.
Cut to Will at home, in his Kleenex-strewn bed. The line for volunteer nurses forms behind me. I call first dibs on the sponge bath. And then Terri is there. Hurrah! She's cleaning up the disgusting used tissues on the bed. And if she's willing to touch all those snot rags without wearing gloves, she really is crazy. Or she still has feelings for him. One or the other. Unless the craziness is what causes her to have feelings for him. We can't rule out that possibility. Anyway, Will acts like a Republican and ignores all evidence that conflicts with his world view by claiming that he can take care of himself. But Terri knows that he's been calling on some poor neighbor to do things for him, since said poor neighbor got so sick of it that she called Terri to come take care of him so said poor neighbor could get some peace and quiet.
Terri tucks Will in and fluffs his pillows. (That's not a euphemism. At least, not yet.) She puts a cold compress on his forehead and tells him that she still loves him. And she claims that she was always good at taking care of him. Will: "That's 'cause you like me best when I'm weak." Terri: "Maybe. That's what my therapist says." I don't know if that therapist is an absolute fool for taking on the untreatable Terri Schuester, or if he (or she) is a genius for lining up a lifetime stream of income. Terri starts with the baby talk and tells Will to roll over and pull his pants down so she can take his temperature. And then she coats a thermometer with Vaseline as she keeps referring to Will as "Baby." But not in the sexy way. In the disgusting mother-infant roll-play way. Will tells Terri that he's not in the mood to play sick baby. Which is a disturbing glimpse of their sex life that I, for one, did not need to see. Will throws her out. But before she leaves, she throws him the DVD case for Singing in the Rain. Terri: "We were together sixteen years, you think I don't remember what movie makes you feel better when you're sick?" And with that she storms out of the room. I'd be a little nervous, but I'm 99% certain that Will doesn't keep a rabbit in the house, so everything should be okay.
Cafeteria. Kurt and Mercedes are waiting in line. Kurt tells her that he's shaking, and he's not sure whether his tremors are caused by low blood sugar or rage at Rachel. Smear sideways to the music room, where Rachel writes a giant "ME" on the white board and asks the assembled club members for suggestions on what solos she should sing at Sectionals. Santana leaps up to take her out, but the others hold her back. I'm just going to assume that everyone is feeling a little feverish this week and that these flashback scenes are all tinged by their monkey-pox-induced madness.
Back in the cafeteria, Mercedes reminds Kurt that they can forget all about Rachel when they go bowling that night. Rather than forget about her, perhaps it would be more productive if they pictured each pin as a miniature Rachel Berry? Kurt blows off my suggestion and Mercedes when he tells her that he can't honor his commitment to bowl with her because he has to hang out with Blaine. Mercedes asks him if he's dating Blaine, and he completely denies it. But it's not clear if that's not true or if he doesn't want anyone to think that Blaine is using him to fish for info about Glee Club (as Jesse appeared to do with Rachel last year). Kurt promises to make it up to Mercedes by hanging out with her on Friday night. And then Mercedes catches a glimpse of the promised land. By which I mean, she sees the cafeteria workers putting out a fresh batch of tater tots. So she cuts in line to get some, with a bizarrely happy smile on her face. She also asks Kurt what they should do about Glee Club while Will is sick. Kurt asks Mercedes if she's met the new substitute teacher.
Holly tells the kids she wants to have fun with them: "What do you say we have class outside today?" Mercedes points out that it's raining. Holly: "Well then, let's take a field trip to Taco Bell. Should we toke up some medical grade marijuana? I wish." [Not that she actually whips out a joint or takes them to Taco Bell, but she's mentioned it, goddamn it and that makes her "the cool teacher!" - Gustave] She's won over all of the kids except for Rachel, who points out that they have to write a set list for Sectionals instead of getting high. Holly agrees, and then asks them what songs they want to do. Their stunned silence tells them nobody's ever asked them that before. Except for every week, when Will lets them pick out whatever songs they want to sing as part of his moronic "lessons." [Oh yeah, she's dealing with such a repressed community of teens here. Like the Von Trapps... but without the overbearing father and the discipline. - Gustave]
Puck flashes back to when he asked Will if they could perform that hot new song, "Forget You." And either Puck is feverish himself or he's lying to Ms. Holliday, because you know there's no way in hell Puck didn't use the song's original title, "Fuck You." Still in the flashback, Will says no, and then tells the kids, "Come on, guys, there's got to be a Journey song we haven't done yet."
And back in the present, Holly proves her bona fides by singing the song. And she does fine, and it's totally fun, and all of the kids except Rachel get into it and start dancing and singing. And let me take this opportunity to comment briefly on her clothes. She's wearing a black sweater and a gray and black mini-skirt that I'm told costs $450. But mostly I have to comment on her knee-high leather boots. Ladies, if you ever find yourself having to be a substitute teacher, you just be certain to wear some knee-high leather boots. Most of the kids will still treat you like crap, but you'll at least have every gay boy in the class on your side. Because those boots are our kryptonite. Anyway, the song ends and Holly suggests they all go out for tacos. Commercials.
Locker room. Coach Bieste is yelling at the team and reminding them that athlete's foot medicine is not to be sprayed in a teammate's eyes. Everyone looks at Puck, who gives a "what, me?" shrug. And then Principal Sue enters the locker room to inform Coach Bieste that "effective 4 PM today, the football team is officially disbanded." Bieste: "Well if you're cutting the football team, who are your Cheerios gonna cheer for?" Sue, who clearly hadn't thought that far ahead: "I will get back to you on all of this later." Coach Bieste sprays some athlete's foot spray in Sue's general direction as she walks out of the room.
The Principal's Den of Diary-writing. Sue is writing in her journal: "Humiliation. Bested by the Bieste, less than 24 hours after my plan to replace all chairs in the school with sharp poles was thwarted. A resounding defeat in my war against sitting. Reality is, I'm a champion, and once I get power, I do not let it go. I need a cause." With that, she looks up and sees two obese students sharing a brownie. She gets on the intercom and calls for Becky to come into her office. Becky, wearing a bluetooth headset and holding a notebook, runs in. Sue tells her to take a memo: "I'm banning potater tots." Becky: "Outstanding." Wait, is Sue ignorant of the correct name of the food in question, or is "tater tots" a trademarked name? Should I fear the tater tot lobby?
Soundstage. Er, I mean, "auditorium stage." Will enters the room and is greeted by an overly enthusiastic Mike Chang, who tells him that they can't win Sectionals without him. Will agrees, and then tells Mike, "Now, I'm gonna run through a number here. And after a bit, I want you to join in. Got it?" Mike Chang does got it. And then Will sings "Make 'Em Laugh." And after a few seconds, Mike Chang does join in -- but only on the dancing. And if it wasn't clear that this was a fever-induced fantasy when it started, it becomes clear when they start physically abusing poor Tinkles and walking across his piano keys. Because if this was the real world, he would never put up with that shit. But both the singing and dancing are great. And they finish, as one does, by running up the walls and then running through one. And then Will is woken from his dream by the sound of the doorbell.
Cut to Will, sitting on his couch and asks his visitor exactly how Holly Holliday got authority to take over Glee Club. We can't understand the answer, because Rachel (who is the visitor) is wearing a surgical mask. And has apparently stuffed her mouth with chewing gum. But she can't stand not being understood, so she rips off the mask to tell him the story of Kurt's rebellion against her iron-fisted but beneficent rule. Will tells her he's not particularly worried about someone taking over temporarily, because the kids love him. Rachel reminds him that Sue doesn't.
Smear sideways to the Principal's office. Sue and Holly, with foils in their hair, are sitting on a leather couch, drinking red wine, and watching television. Sue is so happy to finally have someone fun to hang out with at the school. They both agree that "Hoarders is great, but Animal Hoarders is better." Holly: "Hoarders and red wine, I'm buzzzzed." Through the omnipresent glass walls, we see Rachel staring on in horror.
Smear sideways to the music room, where Rachel asks Will if she can do "more of an upbeat, glamorous song with a really good dance beat." Will denies her request, and then tells the kids, "I have good news! I found a Journey song we haven't done yet."
Back in the hallway, Holly tells Rachel, "I used to be just like you, trying to get everything so right, hanging on so tight." Rachel: "What happened?" Holly: "I got punched in the face." Holly asks what song Rachel wants to do, and Rachel tells her she needs a partner. Rachel, voluntarily share a stage? Now I really think she's got a fever. Anyway, Holly is more than happy to be Rachel's partner.
Will's bedroom. He's sitting up in bed, and Terri is tucking a napkin into his shirt. If she's worried about spilling food on his shirt, maybe he should just take it off. I mean, it would save the waste of a napkin. (I'm just trying to do my part for Mother Earth here, people.) Will asks Terri what meds she's on -- she's taking some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs. Isn't everybody? She fees him some soup, because I guess monkey pox causes paralysis of the forearms. Will asks her if she's happy, and she tells him, "I think, maybe for the first time, I could be happy." She asks him the same. He thinks about it and tells her he's not, because he still feels like he's searching for something. And then he tells her "baby likes his soup." Either I caught monkey pox through my television, or that was the most bilious line in the history of television, because I just started vomiting. Terri remembers something else that baby loves a lot. Please, not the thermometer. Terri removes the tray of food and reaches across him to grab a small jar of mentholated rub. She tells him to take his shirt off and lie on his stomach. After Terri disclaims any interest in killing him, he takes his shirt, and she starts to rub the menthol onto his back. According to every commercial I've seen, you're supposed to rub it on his chest. His strong, defined, muscular chest. And then she starts kissing his shoulder, and after she tells him she doesn't care if she gets sick, she fluffs his pillows. This time it is a euphemism. That's how I like my sex -- with extra mucus.
Cafeteria. Hmmm, it seems that Sue has hired Marcel from Top Chef as the school's new chef, because they're serving foam fish sticks for lunch. Mercedes thinks it's a plot to only serve "pre-digested food." Maybe Sue thinks they need to literally eat like a bird. Kurt is sitting with Mercedes, and he tells her to relax, because he has a gift. And that gift is a hunky black football player that he's set her up with to assuage her justifiable anger and the way he's ignoring her now that he's spending all his time with Blaine. The guy is undeniably hot, but Mercedes thinks Kurt picked him out for her because he's just one of the five black guys at the school. Kurt tells her that love is just around the corner, and right then, Meathead Karofsky walks by and asks "what's up homo?" But just to keep things confusing, he throws in a wink. Although it struck me as a pretty threatening wink, if you must know. Mercedes tells Puck that she can't take it anymore -- but she's not talking about Kurt and Blaine. She's talking about the lack of tots. And then she has her Norma Rae moment as she stands on the table and holds up a sign that reads "TOTS." Other kids slowly stand, and then one girl shouts out "TTTTTOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTS," leading Kurt to jump out of his skin. Except for Kurt, who tries to crawl under the table in embarrassment, all of the kids start chanting for tots. Sue and Becky are standing in the middle of the cafeteria. Sue: "So the tot wars have begun, Becky." Becky makes the "I'm watching you gesture" in Mercedes and Kurt's general direction.
Cut to the auditorium, where Rachel and Holly perform the upbeat, glamorous number with a good dance beat that she wanted to sing. It's "Nowadays/Hot Honey Rag" from Chicago. And other than the fact that Rachel looks like a lawn gnome standing to Holly, it's a fine performance. Although the other kids get into their Jazz Age dancing a little more than seems realistic. And they finish with the worst cartwheels you can imagine. But otherwise, it's okay. [The Chicago number is all kinds of wrong. First off they are both too tall and skinny to be Roxy and Velma. Plus, Gwyneth is way taller than Lea so it's like a big sister/little sister pageant number. Plus, it's one of those Glee numbers that tries so hard to imitate the original source material -- the sets, lighting, costumes, choreography etc. -- that all you can do is draw an unfavorable comparison between it and the original. - Gustave]
I guess Terri's "nursing" has worked, because Will enters the school. Although maybe not, since he's coughing up a lung. Sue intercepts him and tells him there's no reason for him to be there. But she doesn't mean that he should be at home resting -- it's just that the kids prefer the substitute, and so does Sue: "And I gotta be honest with you Will, a lot of it's the hair thing. In fact right now, I'm tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a tiny, full-length shearling coat for only the most fashionable of premature babies." Will: "I long for the day when Figgins gets better and comes back." Sue tells him not to hold his breath, as she's been made principal on a permanent basis. And then she fires Will. I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again -- the teachers at this school have the worst union ever. Commercials.
Breadstix! Kurt, Blaine, and Mercedes are sitting at a booth. Blaine is still wearing his school uniform. Nerd. Kurt and Blaine are going on about gay marriage. They're right, of course, but by the time you're my age these conversations are much less fulfilling than they are when you're a baby gay. They ask Mercedes what she thinks, but she has totally spaced out and doesn't even know what they're talking about. Blaine suggests they discuss something that interests her as well. Kurt: "I know, let's play a game. On the count of three, name your favorite 2010 Vogue cover." Mercedes is excited by this game as I would be. Which is to say, not at all. But Kurt and Blaine both pick the same one (of course). We then hear Kurt and Blaine's conversation from the point of view of Mercedes: "Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Gay-gay-gay!" And then something falls out of Kurt's mouth. He holds up a little pink handbag and tells her, "Oh my gosh, I open my mouth and a little purse falls out." Mercedes is saved from the attack of the aging yet apt gay clichés by the arrival of the waitress, who is happy to let her order off the menu, since it seems that all the kids from McKinley have been asking for tots lately.
Music room. Holly is supervising some band kids in repainting the room, replacing the blue with some sunshiny yellow. Will enters and praises her on the speed with which she's moved in on his job. She dismisses the painters, and they have a debate about whether it's more important to be a good teacher or a fun teacher. You can guess which side of the debate each of them is on. Holly wants to relate to the kids and get them to like her. Will wants to teach them how to become adults, which means teaching them about the importance of doing the stuff they don't always like to do. Also, and unlike Holly, he doesn't think it's very helpful to cater to kids' sense of self-importance. Amen, brother. When a kid does something great, Will praises the kid. Holly tweets about it. [ She has a computer, a smartphone and an internet hookup. That certainly gives her the edge! - Gustave] But what it really comes down to is that good teaching jobs are hard to come by, so Holly is more than happy to snatch Will's job out from under him.
Principal Sue's office. She asks Mercedes to please explain to Holly what they're all doing there. Mercedes asks Holly if she remembers when she asked to be excused from class. Smear to the music room. Mercedes: "May I be excused? I'm gonna go shove some tots up the tailpipe of Coach Sylvester's car." Holly: "Sure!" Back in the present, Mercedes tells Sue, "I told you not to touch my tots." Did you also tell her to leggo your Eggo? Sue tells the two of them that the tot-stuffing did $17,000 worth of damage to her "very rare and desirable automobile... one out of seven in existence. The 1979 Le Car. Do you know how many hours it took me to find a mechanic who even knew what a Le Car was?" Sue asks what Holly would suggest as punishment. Holly: "I was going to suggest clapping erasers. But you guys are mostly dry erase here, so..." Sue tells Mercedes that sabotaging an automobile is a felony, and that she and her attorney Gloria Allred will be pressing charges. Holly's a bit concerned that she might be going to jail. Sue kicks Mercedes out, and then asks Holly, "You have absolutely no idea what you're doing, do you." Holly: "No, not really." Commercials.
Holly is sitting on Will's couch. She apologizes for dropping by unannounced, but she wanted to talk to him in person. She also wanted to see if it was true that he kept expensive beer in the house. He hands her a bottle to try out, and tells her he's glad she came. Will apologizes for criticizing her teaching style, and then she starts crying and confesses to being a terrible teacher. She's decided this is so because when she was in Sue's office with Mercedes, she could only think about herself and not about defending her student. In fact, she's not even sure what punishment Sue eventually doled out to Mercedes. I guess at McKinley that might make her a bad teacher. But that's only because McKinley is the only school in the U.S. where teachers are also employed as defense attorneys for their students. At most other schools it's enough to be good at teaching and leave the job of arguing on behalf of students to their parents. And then Holly tells the story of how she was transformed from a good teacher to her present self, desperate to be liked. But it's a story tinged with racism and misogyny, so let's just leave it at the version she told Rachel -- she got punched in the face. And ever since then, she's decided to keep things moving so she doesn't get beat up again: "I never sign more than a month-to-month lease, I only eat off paper plates, I live on one-night stands." Will looks both intrigued and a little disturbed by that last one. She tells him that her nomadic lifestyle works for her, but it's not good for the kids, so she's resigning the job Sue gave her. And then Terri comes in.
Terri is angry to find her ex-husband sitting on his sofa with another woman. Will tells her she should have called, she tells him she was just bringing more soup, and then she insults him and Holly in baby talk, assuming they're hooking up (which, frankly, I thought they were going to do until Terri interrupted). Holly: "Oh, no... I'm Holly Holliday." Terri: "Are you a porn star or a drag queen?" Terri introduces herself as Will's wife. Holly: "Wow. You're wife's kind of a bitch." Terri thinks that what happened the night meant they were getting back together. (If they had sex just last night and Will looks as healthy as he does right now, I can only assume that Terri fucked the monkey pox right out of him. She's a miracle worker.) Will apologizes to Terri for making the mistake of sexing her up the night. Terri apologizes, and tells him that she'll come back. As she's walking to the door, Will tells her not to bother. Gina... I mean, "Terri": "You're gonna regret this, Will. I swear to God, you're gonna regret this." Eh, I wouldn't worry about it, Will -- I'm sure that's just the pregnancy hormones talking. Will asks Holly to tell him more about life without consequences. And then I assume they have sex.
Hallway. Kurt is at his locker when Mercedes gives him a "pssst" and shows him the contraband she smuggled into the school -- a plastic container of tots. And everyone knows tater tots are disgusting cold. Kurt's worried that the purloined potatoes are going to lead to Mercedes being thrown in the clink, but Mercedes thinks that prison life wouldn't be bad as long as the cafeteria served tots. Out of nowhere, Kurt tells Mercedes that he's not going to break it off with Blaine. And then he tells her he's substituting food for love, and was substituting his friendship for having a boyfriend. Which is a condescending mess of shit. I think that what she was really doing was sublimating the genuine anger about the way Kurt was neglecting her now that he has Blaine into irrational anger over deep-fried potatoes, since it's always okay to be mad at Sue but it feels douchey to be mad at your friend because he's happy. But Mercedes accepts Kurt's moronic diagnosis. And then she goes off to eat her tots in the janitor's closet. I mean, I'm assuming that's what the writers want us to think. Because fat black girls love cold fried food, don't you know.
And then Meathead Karofsky at Kurt's locker, angrily asking him if he told anyone about what happened in the locker room. Kurt, with more sympathy than I would have been able to muster at his age, tells him that he understands how hard it is to come out, so he hasn't told anyone. And then Karofsky tells him, "Keep it that way. 'Cause if you do, I'm gonna kill you." Figure of speech? Or literal threat? Only time, and the quality of the writers' drugs, will tell. Commercials.
Sue's office. Will is prepared to grovel to get his job back, but Sue's happy to give it to him, based on the praise he received from all the students who dropped by her office. We flash back to those visits. Finn: "Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing and actually wants to hear an answer." Puck: "Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson." Sam: "He taught me how to tie my shoelaces." Rachel: "I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is." Brit-Brit: "Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I felt they were too similar and got frustrated." Back in the present, Sue tells Will, "One thing I learned in my time as president, you can't force public opinion. I pardoned you. Sometimes you gotta give the inmates what they want. You throw 'em a comb and hope they stop beating each other long enough to whittle it into a shiv." Will thanks Sue and reaches out to take her hand. Sue: "Shut your gash, Nancy." Do the folks at Fox's Standards and Practices office not know about the internet? A few visits to urbandictionary.com might help them identify some of the truly vile lines the writers seem to slip into every episode. I don't mind for myself, but I dread the day my niece asks me to explain "gash" or "frumunda cheese." Anyway, Sue says that a condition of her not sending Mercedes to jail is that the Glee Club return her Le Car to mint condition: "I suggest selling yourself on Craigslist under the heading of men seeking men with butt chins." So that would be lima.craigslist.org? Just give me a minute to write that down.
Music room. The kids cheer Will's return. He thanks them and tells them they need to focus on the set list. Although they make clear that they prefer Will as a teacher, they try to make him see that parts of Holly's approach, like listening to the kids and singing songs written more recently than the '80s, might be good for the team. He promises to look into that right after Sectionals, and hands out some sheet music. Based on his repeated viewing of Singing in the Rain during his convalescence, he wants them to sing the song of that title. Sam asks when the song is from. Will fudges the facts by telling him that the movie opened in 1952, neglecting to mention that the song (like most of the songs in the movie) is actually much older -- in this case, it dates from 1929. Will sees the disappointed look on the faces of all of the kids. Although in Rachel's case, I'm sure it's because the song doesn't really have room for a female lead.
Anonymous classroom. Holly, dressed in period garb, is teaching a class: "Mary Todd Lincoln in the house! My husband was probably gay, and I'm bipolar, which makes me yell things like 'that teapot's spreading lies about me,' or 'that can't be my baby because I don't love it.'" Will saves the kids from this insanity by knocking on the door. On her way to talk to him, she tells the kids to practice their bipolar rants. Will's there to ask her for help modernizing "Singing in the Rain."
And then we cut to a mash-up of "Singing in the Rain" and Rihanna's "Umbrella." Complete with rain pouring down and a flooded stage. I know most people hated this, but I enjoyed it well enough. The choreography was great, the singing was great, and the two songs obviously work well together thematically. I do have to say, it's not really fair to put Gwyneth on stage in tight wet pants with all those tiny little girls (and Mercedes), but she still looks pretty smoking. Whatever she's doing is giving her a great ass. Also, if the purpose of this is to try out a song for Sectionals, why are the two teachers singing the lead parts? What about you, Gustave? Any last words? [Gwyneth still looks great. The hair is perfect and I love her outfits. But there's an anxiety in her eyes that is unsettling. It's like she's desperate to be liked....like a high school teacher who never really has control of their class. Also, Bea Arthur played a substitute teacher on the Golden Girls. - Gustave] Okay then.
LTG is a full-time pension lawyer living in Washington, D.C., and a part-time stalker of Gwyneth Paltrow's personal shopper. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.