So, Puck's been sent to juvie because he stole his mother's car, rammed it into a convenience store, and made off with an ATM machine. For some reason, this means all the other kids in New Directions have to pair up for a duets competition as a way of welcoming their newest Club compatriot, Lady-Lips Von Bieberhair. Because Mr. Schue throws in a gift certificate that'll cover dinner for two at Breadstix as a prize for the winning couple, the scheming amongst the devious teens is immediate and fierce, with Finn and Rachel quite naturally assuming they'll walk all over the others because they're the supposed stars of the show. Or something like that.
Unfortunately, and much to Finn's horror and dismay, Kurt develops an instant crush on Lady-Lips. You see, Finn's convinced himself that Lady-Lips is their ticket to Nationals in New York City spring, and if Kurt pulls on Lady-Lips this season what Kurt pulled on Frankenteen last season, Lady-Lips is sure to run, screaming, from the McKinley High music room, never to return. Rachel, surprisingly enough, quickly agrees that keeping Lady-Lips in Glee is their number-one priority for the week, so the two secretly plot to throw the competition over to the new arrival and his partner by singing a song that is both bad and offensive, like everything from Grease 2.
First, however, they must find a more suitable companion for Lady-Lips. They are aided immensely in this endeavor -- though not to their knowledge -- by Burt Hummel, who's already on the mend after his contrivance-induced coma last week. Seems Denim Carole finally gave him Finn's side of that whole inappropriate-boycrush situation from last season, so Burt tells his son that, like it or not, Kurt's got to be patient and learn not to force things with straight boys, even if that means Kurt will never experience all of the bullshit angst-ridden teenaged high-school romance crap his peers insist upon belaboring us with week after endless week. Kurt sighs and admits his father is right, then proceeds to relieve Lady-Lips of the latter's obligation to him in favor of flying solo for the contest. Upon hearing this bit of news, Finn and Rachel immediately connive to shove Lady-Lips into Quinn's extremely reluctant arms, and wouldn't you know it? Seems like Lady-Lips and Quinn were made for each other. What are the odds?
Meanwhile -- and get ready for this -- Brittany and Santana Lopez make cuddly plans to sing together until poor little Brit-Brit gets all weird and clingy about the whole thing, so Santana Lopez teams up with former rival Mercedes instead, and while all that's going on, Single-T Tina and Gaylord Wiener start squabbling in the library because Gaylord's mama eats chicken-foot salad for dinner every night at The Dim Sum Palace, and Artie overhears their bickering and thinks he might have a chance to get back together with Single-T Tina, but then Single-T Tina and Gaylord make up, and Artie's left out in the cold until Brittany sets her adorably dim-witted sights on him for whatever reason, and then Brittany and Artie totally Do It in Brittany's bedroom, but then Artie breaks up with Brittany because Brittany made Artie feel like a cheap slut, so Artie and Brittany voluntarily withdraw from the competition. Whew.
Of course, Rachel and Finn's crazy plan works in the end: Lady-Lips and Quinn win the coveted Breadstix gift certificate and enjoy a rather endearing date together, though where this particular subplot's going to end up by week is anyone's guess.
Featuring Elton John's "Don't Go Breaking My Heart," originally performed with Miss Kiki Dee; Crazy Phil Spector's "River Deep -- Mountain High," originally performed by Ike and Tina Turner; "Le Jazz Hot" from Victor/Victoria, originally performed by Dame Julie Andrews and a host of absolutely incendiary fairies; "Sing!" from A Chorus Line, originally performed on Broadway by Renee Baughman and Don Percassi (though that link features Chryssie Whitehead and Tony Yazbeck from the 2006 revival); "With You I'm Born Again," originally performed by Billy Preston and Syreeta Wright; Jason Mraz's "Lucky," originally performed with Colbie Caillat; and the justifiably legendary medley of "Get Happy" and "Happy Days Are Here Again" from The Judy Garland Show, as performed by Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland.
Wow. Dredging up all those links for a recaplet sucks. Thanks for nothing, LTG!
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An oddly subdued Mr. Schue enters the music room just a tiny bit late for rehearsal to announce that he just got out of a meeting with The Maharishi. "Bad news, guys," he glums, once everybody's taken their seats. "Puckerman's in juvie." Oh, this oughta be good. "He drove his mom's Volvo through the front of a convenience store," Mr. Schue explains, "and drove off with the ATM." I'm not even going to try to figure out how any of that would work, much less how any of that would land him in juvie instead of Big-Boy Jail, so we'll just hope that Puck's enjoying his little vacation from the neverending bouts of tedious adolescent psychodrama battering the halls of McKinley High and keep moving. Several of the children unleash derisive snickers at this news, but Rachel does some quick Twelve Minus One Minus One math in her head and panics, "When is he getting out?" "Unknown," Mr. Schue frowns, just as Brittany giggles, "He may be the dumbest person on this planet, and that's coming from me." "Guys!" Mr. Schue peeves. "Let's have some sympathy!" "For a guy who put his needs before the team's?" Finn shoots back, nearly as agitated as Rachel. "We need his voice and his bad-boy stage presence!" Mr. Schue calmly encourages everyone to look at Puck's absence as an opportunity rather than a crisis, which allows him to segue into a ridiculously peppy introduction of New Directions' newest member, Sam Evans. Who?
Oh, the haircut with the lips from the season premiere. On cue, Lippy Hairdon't jogs into the music room with an astronomy textbook tucked under his arm -- the arm I thought had been ripped from its socket by a gargantuan, 'roid-fueled, overaged left tackle last week -- and he bounds over to Mr. Schue's side under the nakedly appraising stares of both Quinn and Kurt to introduce himself like so: "Hey, everybody! I'm Sam. Sam I am. And I don't like green eggs and ham." And with that, Sam Evans has managed to out-choad even Glee's über-dork extraordinaire, Mr. Schue himself. I can't wait for him to start rapping. "Oh, wow," Santana Lopez sighs, loudly agreeing with me. "He has no game." However, Finn and Rachel (but especially Finn, for some weird reason) couldn't be more super-psyched about the group's latest recruit if they tried, and Finn leaps up to escort Weenie Von Bieberhausen to a seat as Mr. Schue crosses to the whiteboard to scrawl the word "DUETS." "All right!" he perks. "What's a duet?" "A blanket," Brittany authoritatively replies, and once again, Finn enthusiastically agrees with Brittany's definition. I think Brit-Brit might want to rethink her assessment of Puck's intelligence vis-à-vis the rest of the planet.
In any event, Mr. Schue needlessly defines the whole concept of this week's performance theme for the Brittanys and Frankenteens of the audience. Cleverly enough, while Mr. Schue's rambling on like that, the camera slides over to Kurt, who hisses for Mercedes's attention, nods his head in the new kid's direction, and announces, "He's on Team Gay -- no straight boy does his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993." Mercedes assures Kurt that he's insane, and we refocus our attention on Mr. Schue just as he announces that the children must -- wait for it -- pair off and perform a duet. As an added incentive, however, he's making this week's assignment a competition, with the winners receiving dinner for two, on him, at BreadstiX. The children immediately flip out and start babbling at each other, for as we all know, no teenager in Lima, Ohio, can resist the siren call of BreadstiX. Well, except for Kurt, of course, who merely trains his canny, gimlet eye on Weenie Von Bieberhausen as chaos erupts around them, and he quietly makes plans to get into Sam's pants just as the title card arrives to obliterate him from the screen.
Out in the hall, Sam busily shoves a couple of textbooks into his locker until Kurt and his ludicrous long-sleeved, button-down plaid shirt with studded epaulets and cuffs magically materialize at Sam's side to introduce themselves, and once that's over with, Kurt loiters with a conspiratorial smirk on his face until Sam finally goes, "What?" "Just tell me," Kurt prods. Sam stares dumbly at him, so Kurt finally cuts it with the coy crap and gets down to business: "Maybe at your old school you could get away with the whole I-Just-Stayed-In-The-Sun-All-Summer excuse, but I have three gifts -- my voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion, and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle." At that, he lifts his eyes from Sam's to stare pointedly at Weenie Von Bieberhausen's asinine coif. "I don't dye my hair, dude," Sam replies. "Yes, you do," Kurt insists. "That's not natural." Truer words, my friends. "I'm gonna go," Sam eventually announces, "'cause you're kinda freakin' me out." Kurt hastens to apologize for his supposedly off instincts, and oh, my holy Christ, he's got a fox tail clipped to one of his belt loops. Is that a thing, now? Wait -- don't answer that. God, hipsters suck.
ANY-way, Kurt chases after Sam to propose they team up for the duets competition. Heterocentric Sam states he was under the impression that duets had to be coed, which leads Kurt to respond that "Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor would protest" that particular notion, right before Kurt stupidly misidentifies "Make 'Em Laugh" as one of Kelly and O'Connor's duets in that particular movie, and shut up, Kurt, before we take your card away from you. Heterocentric Sam hasn't the faintest idea what Kurt's going on about, so Kurt just assures him they've got it in the bag, and darts off after ordering Sam to give him a call to set up some rehearsal time. If you know what Kurt means, and I think you do. As he exits, Kurt sweeps past Finn, who shoots a couple of suspicious side-eyes at both Kurt and Weenie Von Bieberhausen before vanishing out the side of the frame himself.
Brittany's Boudoir. The camera tracks past a number of framed photographs featuring the lady of the boudoir herself in younger days, then starts climbing up two pairs of lady-legs entwined on the bed, and I've a feeling that if Jewfro's disgusting antics two weeks ago didn't get my parents to switch this show off forever, the sight of Brittany and Santana getting their mack on probably will. In any event, while Santana busies herself planting "sweet lady kisses" on Brittany's neck, Brit-Brit suggests they perform Melissa Etheridge's "Come To My Window" for the duets competition. The implications of that slowly sink into Santana's skull, and she then abruptly pulls away to perch on the edge of Brittany's bed, all haughty and offended and such. "I'm not making out with you because I'm in love with you and want to sing about making lady-babies," Santana insists. "I'm only here because Puck's been in the slammer for about twelve hours now, and I'm like a lizard: I need something warm beneath me, or I can't digest my food." Brittany, with a wave of sudden melancholy crashing over her dim little head, quietly wonders who Santana intends to sing with, then.
Cut to the school's hallway the following morning. "Why would I want to do a duet with you?" Mercedes rhetorically wonders before more or less answering her own question with, "We can't stand each other." "Look, Weezy," Santana impatiently eye-rolls as the two arrive at Mercedes's locker, "I realize I tried to punch you a couple of times, and sometimes when you're not looking, I put weird things in your food, but it's a new year, and you and I are the best singers at this school!" Mercedes doesn't understand what the big deal is. "It's just a free trip to BreadstiX," she too-casually notes, making a blatant display of futzing about with her locker's far more interesting interior. Santana's brain nearly explodes. "I'm sorry," she begins, addressing Mercedes as if the latter were a particularly thick-headed two-year-old, "but have you been to BreadstiX? They are legally forbidden to stop bringing you breadsticks! One time I brought a wheelbarrow, and when the manager tried to stop me from filling it up? I called the corporate office and got her fired." God love her. Mercedes's resolve, unable to withstand the sustained onslaught of Santana's impeccable reasoning skills, cracks a bit at this, then collapses completely when Santana finishes things up by arguing, "If we do a duet together, we will be the undisputed top bitches at this school!" With that, Santana sashays away while Mercedes allows herself a small smile. I see no way for this collaboration to do anything but rock.
Meanwhile, Finn's harassing Kurt over the latter's transparent attempts to seduce the new kid, because as you'll recall, Kurt placed Finn in a similar uncomfortable situation last year, and Finn doesn't want the same thing to happen to Sam, especially considering the Nationals-winning opportunities Sam represents for the Glee Club. Make a note of that, please: Finn doesn't argue that he wouldn't want Kurt to hurt himself by making the same disastrous mistake twice; he instead argues that Kurt's unwanted attentions will alienate Sam to the detriment of New Directions. So much for Frankenteen being an emotional savant. "If he sings with you," Finn concludes, referring of course to Sam, "I guarantee within a week he'll take so much crap, he'll have to quit Glee Club. Your call, dude." With that, Finn flounces, leaving Kurt alone in the lunch line to look all torn and conflicted and badly dressed and lonely as the opening chords of Elton John's "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" rather anviliciously pop up on the soundtrack, and by the time the violins have kicked in, we've...
...shunted over to the music room, where Rachel, Finn, Tinkles, and about forty-five members of McKinley's orchestra and jazz ensemble have assembled so Finn and Rachel might rehearse their entry in the Glee Club's duets competition, and I'm sorry, but these two dolts shrieking "Wooooo-hoo! Nobody knooooows it!" is like Torquemada himself returning from Hell to shove a pear of anguish into my ear canal and start spinning. Tinkles is so totally done with them as well, if that icily irritated glare he tosses in Rachel's general direction is anything to go by. Granted, she brought it upon herself by mussing with his hair while twirling around the piano, but still. Revel in the hate, Tinkles. And when it's all over, Finn realizes, "We're totally going to win this thing." For some reason, this understanding on his part sends Rachel spinning into a shame spiral, and while Tinkles and the eight or nine dozen student musicians presumably listen in on everything that follows, Rachel sinks into one of the chairs on the risers to announce, "I'm not really a nice person." "NO SHIT," Tinkles and the teeming mass of musically inclined teenagers do not scream in her face, choosing instead to putter around silently in the background as Rachel continues, "I'm selfish -- the fact is, I'm only really generous if there's something in it for me."
She goes on to compliment Finn on his kindness and openness, and if you haven't figured out by now that this is all merely a ploy of hers to get him to do something unpleasant for her, you haven't been watching this show for more than a couple of minutes. And long story short, Rachel tells Finn that they have to throw the competition for the sake of New Directions as a whole. "If we want to win Nationals," she asserts, "then Sam has to win this contest, okay? He has to feel like he belongs, and the team has to believe in him!" "Wow," Finn replies after a beat, impressed by Rachel's unexpected munificence. "I've never seen you like this." "You inspired me!" she simpers, leaning in to grant him a peck on the lips. And then Finn thinks real hard for a minute and comes up with this dandy little revelation: "But technically, you're doing this because it'll help us win Nationals, which means there's something in it for you, so it doesn't really count as you doing something nice." Rachel chooses to ignore this and instead urges Finn to focus on the goal: Helping her lose a singing competition so the new kid sticks around. Commercials.
And when we return, we're immediately slung into a series of quick cross-cuts between Single-T Tina and Gaylord Wiener bickering up in the library and Brittany attempting to seduce Artie down by his locker. Basically, Gaylord knows he can't sing and therefore just wants to dance around Tina while she performs a solo, but Tina's having none of that, because she wants to win the BreadstiX gift certificate so they can go out on an actual date that doesn't include dragging his mother along to a dim sum restaurant so Mama Gaylord can chow down on steamed pork knuckles and chicken-foot salad while keeping an eye on her golden boy of a son and his inappropriately attired girlfriend. Meanwhile, Brittany's apparently decided the only way she'll snag that BreadstiX gift certificate for herself is by posing as Artie's main squeeze, and to that end, she claims she's always wanted to get him into a stroller. No, seriously. Artie's way into the idea, for whatever dark and depraved reason, and he immediately starts in with his typically ugly gloating as Brittany wheels him past an incredulous Santana Lopez. Behind Artie's back, Brit-Brit points at her bit-bits and wags a no-no finger around in Santana's face. Santana looks annoyed. Or guilty. Or possibly both.
Over in the boys' locker room, Weenie Von Bieberhausen emerges from the showers clad in nothing more than a towel -- yowza -- to chat with Finn about the proposed duet with Kurt, which Finn still vehemently opposes on the grounds it will doom Sam to the subbasement of McKinley's social hierarchy, because of the whole gay thing. "I didn't realize you had a problem with gay dudes," Sam coolly notes, donning a t-shirt that features a whopping big bull's eye across the chest for reasons that will soon become apparent. "Look, I don't have a problem with gay dudes," Finn claims, "but everyone else does, and we're living in their world, and in their world, you singing a duet with Kurt is a death sentence." So's sporting that cowl-neck sweater you're currently modeling, Frankenteen, but that didn't stop you from pulling it on this morning, now did it? "I gave him my word," Sam calmly explains, "and in my world, that's that." And having finished dressing at some point during the conversation, Sam slams shut his locker and...
...heads out into the hall, where Karofsky and Azimio (and yes, I had to look up their names) launch slushies at that whopping big bull's eye across Sam's chest. Of course, because their aim sucks, most of it ends up in Sam's face. "Welcome to Glee Club, Lady Lips!" Azimio taunts, and I now have a new nickname for Weenie Von Bieberhausen. Thanks, Guy Who's Name I'll Forget Again As Soon As You're Off The Screen! The two meatheads vanish into the locker room just as Quinn rounds a corner to witness the grisly slushie aftermath, and as hints of that gentle piano theme this show whips out whenever tender romance is afoot appear on the soundtrack, Quinn leads Lady Lips into a nearby bathroom to rinse all of that frozen crap out of his asinine coif. Flirting a bit while of course making light of the situation in order to make him feel better, she laughingly confides, "The blueberry flavor is the worst -- especially if it gets down your pants. I looked like a creature out of Avatar down there when I got slushied." "I saw Avatar, like, six times!" Sam smiles, and NERRRRRRD.
Quinn's own smile quite rightfully falters a bit at that admission, but she smoothly gets things back on track by assuring Sam he'll eventually get used to frigid corn syrup gumming up his eyelids. Sam wonders why Quinn bothers with all of the aggravation, given the fact that she's the head cheerleader. "I like to sing," she explains, dabbing at his face with a washcloth, "and the fact is, those guys were pretty cool to me last year when I wasn't on top." And besides, she concludes, gently brushing his damp bangs with her fingertips, "What's the point of being popular when you can't do what you want?" "I am a tremendous geek entirely unworthy of your romantic attentions," Weenie Von Bieberhausen replies. Well, actually, he tells her -- in Na'vi -- that she has beautiful eyes, so it's pretty much the same thing. Quinn rolls those beautiful eyes of hers around so aggressively at this that I'm afraid her false eyelashes'll pop off.
Das Hummelhaus, later that evening. Kurt's prepared a "heart-healthy vegan carrot soup with whole-grain croutons" for his recuperating father's dinner, and Burt looks about as thrilled with the prospect of putting that taste-free crap into his mouth as you'd expect him to be. Kurt fusses about his father's recent arrhythmia for a bit until Burt finally gets to this scene's point by asking his son how school's been lately. "It's fine," Kurt dramatically sighs before adding an ominous-sounding, "I guess." Burt patiently waits for the first of several high-end fashion pumps to drop. Fortunately, he doesn't have to wait very long, for Kurt soon unleashes a torrent of information regarding Weenie Von Bieberhausen, his proposed duet with same, and Finn's supposedly homophobic opposition to the entire plan. Burt waits until Kurt's finished, then suggests that Finn might have a point.
He'd been talking to Carole, you see, and he now knows Finn's side of last season's story that I -- forgive me -- have pretty much completely forgotten about by this point, and Burt counsels his son to cool it with the new kid, for Kurt's own sake, if for nothing else. Of course, Kurt explodes at the very suggestion he back down, and he starts ranting about how he wants to roam McKinley's halls holding hands with the paramour of his choice if he so pleases, and how he wants to slow-dance at his prom with same if that would suit his fancy, and this is where I completely shut down and stop listening to him, because he's now beating me over the head with the same sort of bullshit angst-ridden teenaged high-school romance crap I totally don't care about when it comes from any of these kids, gay or straight. Shut up, Kurt. And listen to your father, because he's quite wisely advising you to pick your battles carefully, and high school so isn't worth the effort. Then again, my shadow hasn't darkened a high school's doors in nearly 25 years, so what the hell do I know, right? In any event, Burt basically tells Kurt to suck it up and wait for better times, and Kurt ends the scene by resting his weary head against his even wearier father's shoulder.
Smash cut to the music room, where Mercedes and Santana tear into their entry for this week's competition: An absolutely scorching rendition of "River Deep -- Mountain High," which was of course originally performed by Miss Tina Turner, though several people in this show's audience seem to have missed that memo and have repeatedly attributed it to some hideous Canadian troll-woman who shall remain nameless. Needless to say, both Mercedes and Santana lack the commanding sense of tortured emotional upheaval and maturity Miss Tina brought to the proceedings nearly 45 years ago, but they still frigging kill it, despite a depressing lack of fringe, maracas, and four-inch-high fuck-me heels. They finish to the wild and wildly justified approbation of their peers, though it's notable that Rachel and Finn now have no idea how their masterful plan for Sam's triumphant introduction to New Directions is going to succeed. We'll worry about that later, though, because it's time for a commercial.
And when we return, Lady Lips is once again naked, because he's just about to step into a hot, steamy shower in the boys' locker room. Barely has he stuck that asinine coif of his under the spray, however, when Kurt pops up -- looking like Peter Pan's gayer younger brother with that hat of his, by the way -- to release Sam from his duet-related obligations. It's obvious to the audience, of course, that Kurt's smartly decided to follow his father's excellent advice, but Wet Sam thinks he's offended Kurt in some way. "It's not you, it's me," Kurt assures him. "You've been honorable, actually, and I wish you the best," he adds before getting all self-serving with, "but I've realized I have to sing with someone that matches my passion and talent level." "Who's that?" Sam gamely asks. Kurt deflects the answer by pointedly glancing at Sam's toiletries and smirking, "You know, they make special shampoo for color-treated hair." Kurt immediately spins on his expensive heel and bounces on out of there, with Sam calling after him, "I don't dye my hair!" "Uh-huh!" Kurt sings, never once looking back.
We slip immediately into what I have to believe is a fantasy performance sequence, what with the elaborate costumes, orchestrations, sets, and choreography on display, though you should know the show muddies that interpretation considerably by having the kids cheer Kurt from the auditorium's seats at the end of it all. But I'm getting ahead of myself, I suppose. The song Kurt's chosen is "Le Jazz Hot" and I'll say it right now: Dame Julie Andrews has nothing to worry about. At all. Like she cares, I'm sure, but still.
If it weren't for that impending bit of twee nonsense from Quinn and Sam later on in the episode, I'd call this the worst number of the evening, despite all of the obvious effort that went into its production, and despite the fact that Chris Colfer acquits himself admirably on that almost impossible glissando at the end. And the backup dancers look terrific as well, with all of them -- men and women -- rocking their top hats and white ties and tails, but Kurt's in this bizarrely bifurcated half-black/half-white half-heartedly glittery tuxedo, and there's all of this unnecessary fringe dripping down the white sleeve of the thing that doesn't make any sense at all, and Colfer's voice is obviously and annoyingly overproduced at points, and there's this gross little pointless half-mustache on his upper lip, and the low-rent drag queen who did his girl-side eye makeup should be slapped in her teeth, and feh. I miss Lesley Ann Warren, I guess is what I'm trying to say. She was robbed at that year's Academy Awards. Robbed!
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah: F for Feh. But an A for effort. !
Over in McKinley High's astronomy classroom -- no, seriously -- Sam's making some pretty lame planet-related moves on Quinn until she not unkindly tells him to knock it off and talk to her about this duet he's proposing they perform. So, Sam shifts from a planet-based flirtation to a guitar-based one as he attempts to show her how to play a chord or two, and even I have to admit this scene is obnoxiously cute. Not to mention well played not only by Dianna Agron, from whom I've come to expect such things, but also by the ludicrously named Chord Overstreet, who's surprising me again and again this evening with the sheer likability with which he's endowing the character.
Anyway, before this turns into a disgusting bout of unseemly gushing on my part, I'll skip ahead to the bit where Sam moves in to steal a kiss, and Quinn almost lets him have it, but at the last moment she breaks away all, "Nope! Sorry! Not gonna happen! Went through this last year, and it sucked, and I'm never gonna go through that crap again! I know this feeling -- like I need you -- and I don't need you, and I don't need duets, because what I do need is to find a way to keep Santana off my heels, and what I do need is to find a way to torture Rachel, and what I do need is to start learning to ignore people!" You should know that Sam's been babbling apologies throughout that little rant, but Quinn basically holds up a hand to quiet him and claims, "I made a mistake, and I don't want to sing with you." On that, she sweeps out of there, leaving hapless Lady Lips to flail around miserably in her wake. Yeah, they'll be dating by the end of the episode. Commercials.
Music Room. Rachel and Finn -- dressed up as a nun and a priest, respectively -- unleash their carefully prepared obnoxiously bad/badly obnoxious duet upon the rest of the class, and it's Billy Preston and Syreeta Wright's "With You I'm Born Again," and it's exactly as gross at that set-up sounds. So gross, in fact, that it leaves Mercedes, Sam, Tina, Quinn, Mr. Schue, and yours truly with an overwhelming desire to punch Rachel and Finn in the face. Rachel and Finn are shocked -- shocked -- at the others' reactions, and take to their seats, abashed, all the while hoping this gruesome mishap doesn't cost them the competition. Eager to get things back on track after the late atrocity, Mr. Schue calls on Sam and Quinn for their competition entry, and it's "Lucky," an unbearably twee bit of nonsense from Jason Mraz that leaves yours truly and exactly no one else with an overwhelming desire to punch Sam and Quinn in the face. And as she basks in the wrongheaded adulation of her peers, Quinn allows her hand to linger in Sam's for just a moment too long before we head into the commercial break.
McKinley High Hall, and this is just brain-bakingly stupid, so I'm going to speed through most of it. Long story short, Artie breaks up with Brittany, because he found out that she's using him for his voice, and that's the only reason she had sex with him. And just how did Artie find out that Brittany's using him for his voice, and that's the only reason she had sex with him?
"She's using you for your voice," Santana tells Artie after we've smeared over to the cafeteria. "That's the only reason she had sex with you." "How do you know that?" Artie challenges. Santana taps a passing sixteenth-year senior on the shoulder and asks the rapidly aging gent if he knows Brittany. "Cheerios Brittany?" he eyebrows before confirming, "Yeah, we had sex." "Look," Santana continues, refocusing her attention on Artie, "I don't mean to be a bitch -- well, yeah, actually I do -- but the only thing that you can give Brittany that she can't get somewhere else is super-choice parking."
And when we smear back to the present, Artie unloads this complete line of utter bullshit about how precious his stupid virginity was to him, and how much he hates Brittany now for not understanding that, and I hate him so much right now that I just want him to wheel his goddamned sanctimonious ass off a cliff. And then I want Gaylord and Tina to tap-dance on his crippled grave. Especially because Brittany really wanted to take him to BreadstiX? So she could order them one really-really long piece of spaghetti, like in Lady And The Tramp? 'Cause she's been practicing? Nudging the meatball across the table? With her nose? Fuck you, Artie.
Music Room. Mr. Schue places a battered top hat on the piano and announces that, as Artie and Brittany have withdrawn themselves from the race, it's time to take it to a vote. MONTAGE! Finn votes for "Sam/Quinn"; Mercedes votes for "Mercedes & Satan"; Gaylord votes for "Tina," but he puts her name in a big heart, and awwwwwwwwwww; Quinn votes for "Sam & Quinn"; Kurt votes for "Kurt Elizabeth Hummel"; and Brittany votes for "ME!" Her ME!, not me ME!, which would have been weird. And when it's all over -- and because everybody except Rachel and Finn voted for themselves -- the BreadstiX gift certificate goes to... Sam and Quinn! Santana bursts into tears over her loss, Quinn warns Sam sotto voce that "this is not a date," and Rachel and Finn congratulate each other on the success of their masterful plan for Sam's triumphant introduction to New Directions until she happens to glance over her shoulder to find Kurt feeling especially sorry for himself. Well, actually, he looks like he's dripping with disdain for the no-class miscreants he must suffer every single day of his godforsaken life, but Rachel knows he's actually feeling especially sorry for himself, because Rachel is magic.
And the thing we know, she's chasing Kurt down the hall, nattering, "I had something I wanted to talk to you about." "Please not another pregnancy," Kurt sighs as he swings open his locker to reach for a can of hairspray. Undaunted, Rachel continues, "I think that you and I are a little bit more similar than you think." Pause. Kurt: "That's a terrible thing to say. [Pfffffffffffffffff!]" That last bit would indicate Chris Colfer contemptuously spraying his hair with an exquisite sense of comic timing. In any event, Rachel blows past his attitude to call him out on his loneliness, and she gives him a little pep talk regarding same before asking if he'd like to perform a duet with her. "But the duet competition is over," he wearily reminds her. "I know," she shrugs, "but I just thought this one could be for me and you." Kurt takes a moment, but smiles gratefully at her just as the final bell rings.
BreadstiX. And because I am fully aware of the heartbreaking image that ends this scene, I'll be skimming through Quinn and Sam's first non-date date for the relevant bits: Lady Lips transferred from an all-boys boarding school, which is why he's been so lame all evening with the Matthew McConaughey impressions and the unfunny jokes and the Na'vi, but he wins Quinn over with his earnest charm and his sincere admiration for her ability to overcome last year's unpleasantness with that out-of-wedlock infant and such. Oh, and he puts lemon juice in his hair. Got all that? Good, because the closing vamp just kicked in on the soundtrack, and I'm already getting a little verklempt. Quinn slips the gift certificate into her purse, because "a gentleman always pays on the first date," and as the vamp continues, the camera slides to the booth, where it finds Brittany, alone, nudging a meatball across her plate with her nose, and I... I just... I think I have something in my eye. Fuck you, Artie.
And by the time I've regained my composure, the camera's cut back to the music room, where Kurt and Rachel perform the justifiably legendary medley of "Get Happy" and "Happy Days Are Here Again" from The Judy Garland Show, with Kurt as Judy and Rachel -- of course -- as Barbra, right down to that little satin sailor's middy she's donned for the occasion. And while I much prefer the original, I'm not going to be too critical of this cover, partly because it's perfectly fine for what it's trying to accomplish in this episode, but mainly because I needed to be done with this recap, like, five minutes ago, and my fingers hurt. By the way, they break away from Rachel and Kurt at various relevant moments to show us little vignettes of Sad Brittany watching from a distance as Finn wheels Artie through the high school hallways, and of Kurt tucking his father in at night, but most of the cutaways are to the others, smiling down upon Rachel and Kurt from the music room risers.
And then it's over. No, seriously, they just cut to black at the end of it all, like, even before the final note's faded out. Smooth work, guys.
week, there's an inexplicable repeat of "Hairography," followed on the 26th by Glee's version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show with, as best I can tell from the promo clips, Finn as Brad, Rachel as Janet, Artie as Dr. Scott, Gaylord as Eddie, Kurt as Riff, Santana and Quinn as dueling Magentas, Brittany and Tina as dueling Columbias, Sam as Rocky, and Mercedes as Frank N. Furter. I'm either going to be incredibly jealous of LTG or praising Cheesus that I dodged another bullet.
Demian was walking down the street, just a-havin' a think, when a snake of a guy gave him an evil wink. You may try to reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com, but as time means nothing and never will again, you probably won't want to hold your breath waiting for a reply.
Watch what TWoP's editors had to say about this season of Glee in this segment airing on the New York Nonstop news channel: