Okay, so Finn makes a grilled Cheesus sandwich on his sneaker-marred George Foreman grill, and makes a delicious deal with God in which he promises to have the Glee Club sing about God if God will just help the football team win its first game. After the team does win, with Artie playing the role of human battering ram, Finn makes his religious pitch to the club. Quinn and Mercedes are down with the idea, while Santana, Rachel and Kurt are hostile. And then everyone but Kurt comes around when Puck shows them that spiritual songs can include songs about trying to get into a Catholic girl's pants. But Kurt is so opposed to having other people's religious beliefs shoved down his throat that he sides with Sue in forcing the kids to take their spiritual songs off of public school property.
The religion angle connects both of our plots. In the really serious plot, Kurt's father has a heart attack, giving Chris Colfer another chance to show off his acting chops. Burt spends the rest of the episode in a coma, while Kurt feels more and more alienated from his friends because all they want to do is pray for his father. There's not a lot of action in this plot, but a whole lot of emoting, especially when Kurt sings a gorgeous, almost mournful rendition of "I Want to Hold Your Hand" to the Glee Club and we get a glimpse of his childhood with Burt. Kurt reconnects with his friends when Mercedes makes him realize that their prayers are a way for them to show concern and love, not an attempt to force him to change his beliefs. He even agrees to go to church with her. And then Burt wakes up from his coma.
In the much less serious plot, Finn decides that his grilled Cheesus has magic powers, and he keeps making wishes. First, the football victory. Second, a chance to get to second base with Rachel (which she allows to happen after he agrees to raise any future hypothetical children in the Jewish faith). Third, to become quarterback again. The last one happens when Finn convinces Sam to pick the wrong play during a game, resulting in Sam's shoulder being dislocated and Finn having to step back into the QB shoes. But getting his prayers answered at such a steep price to Sam makes Finn question his faith in his dairy deity, so he gives up the church of the panini.
Featuring R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion"; "Papa, Can You Hear Me?," originally performed by Barbra Streisand; "One of Us," originally performed by Joan Osborne; Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge over Troubled Water"; "I Look to You," originally performed by Whitney Houston; The Beatles' "I Want to Hold Your Hand"; and Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young." And if Ryan Murphy doesn't cut down on the number of songs to spare the cast, I wish he would just so I don't have to keep finding all these links.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see the show's Best Musical Moments!
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Previously, on Glee... it doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, it's not like this show runs on continuity. All you have to remember is that Sue has an older special-needs sister living in a care facility. And that Coach Beiste succumbed to Lima Fever, went insane, and put Artie on the football team.
The episode starts right up with a Finn voice-over. Basically, he explains (while the camera shows us) that he made a grilled cheese sandwich. And he excuses the prop department's inability to get grill marks on the sandwich by telling us that he kind of ruined the family's George Foreman grill by using it to dry his sneakers once. But lo and behold, when Finn raises the lid of the grill, he sees not just a delicious grilled cheese sandwich -- he sees a delicious grilled cheese sandwich with some dark spots in the corner that kind of resemble the face of a long-haired, bearded, Semitic man. So either Jesus, or a hippy. Finn knows which it is, though, and he pronounces the sandwich a Grilled Cheesus. Nonetheless, Finn is still hungry, and he knows that God helps those who help themselves to God's holy sandwich, so he cuts the sandwich in half diagonally and eats the non-Cheesus half. And then he prays. And the prayer to the Grilled Cheesus is as follows: "Dear Grilled Cheesus -- First of all, you're super-delicious. Please, Grilled Cheesus, please let us win our first football game. It would mean so much to Artie, and I think you kind of owe it to him. I mean, you did sort of screw him in the leg department. And in return, cheesy Lord, I'll make sure we honor you this week in Glee Club."
And then it came to pass that the football team won its first game, with a play that involved Finn pushing Artie and his wheelchair down the field like the mighty human battering ram of our Lord of the Processed Dairy Product. Upon which, Finn drops to one knee, throws off his helmet, looks to the sky, and shouts out, "Thank you Grilled Cheesus!" And then the miraculous title card did appear.
The Hummel Garage, where Burt is raising Lazarus from the dead. Or repairing a car. One or the other. Kurt has arrived He has brought Burt a healthy breakfast, instead of the Coke and two Slim Jims that Burt would prefer to eat. An anvil falls off a tool rack somewhere as Kurt tells Burt that he has got to start taking better care of himself. And then there's a whole thing about Burt wanting to hold on to the family traditions of Kurt's childhood while Kurt wants to declare his teenage independence. By which I mean, Burt wants Kurt to show up for their regular weekly Friday night dinner (which is an hour early this week because Finn and his mother will be joining them and she has to work a night shift), while Kurt wants to go to the Sing-Along Sound of Music. Some more anvils fall when Burt reminds Kurt that Friday night dinner is a ritual, and is sacred. Which kind of makes it sound less like Friday night dinner and more like Friday night self-flagellation. But Kurt defends the Sing-Along Sound of Music as his sacred ritual. Burt: "You think I don't know that? Wasn't I the one that bought you that Maria bonnet when you were six?" But they end at an impasse. Although it's not really so much of an impasse as it is Kurt winning, because he simply refuses to change his plans, leaving Burt to feel mighty disappointed.
Act II begins with Finn retrieving Grilled Cheesus from the Holy Frigidaire. Grilled Cheese is carefully labeled with a post-it note telling the world, "Do Not Eat." Finn, praying: "What up, Grilled Cheesus? I need to ask you for something. I didn't go to Sunday school, so I don't know if God works the same as a genie and I only get three wishes, but here's the thing." The thing is that he's find Rachel to be kind of a prude, so he wants Grilled Cheesus to help him get a little boob action. If this works, Finn has just invented a religion that 90% of all teenage boys will want to join immediately. It'll be like the Children's Crusade, but instead of trying to liberate the Dome of the Rock, they'll just be trying to liberate a couple of domes.
Music room. Kurt is sitting alone when the bell rings and the other kids come in. They've clearly heard the news. And not the news about Finn's impending pilgrimage to second base -- the news about Burt. Tina just walks up to Kurt and gives him a hug. Other kids pat him on the shoulder. Santana and Brit-Brit walk up to him, and Santana tells him how sorry they were to hear the news. And then Brit-Brit hands him a card her third-grade sister made. Or, actually, "I did a book report on heart attacks, if you want to give it to the doctor. It got knocked down an entire letter grade because it was written in crayon." I was going to say that Brit-Brit doesn't quite understand the concept of a book report, but then I realized that she actually doesn't quite understand the concept of a book. And then Finn storms in, furious with Kurt because he just heard about the heart attack from his mother. Finn thinks he was entitled to hearing the news a little sooner, since Burt is the closest he'll ever get to a father. He realizes he's shouting at a kid whose father is in a coma, and quietly tells Kurt that he didn't like overhearing other people talk about the news when he hadn't heard anything himself. As a gesture of contrition, Kurt takes his bag off the seat to him and lets Finn sit there.
Will comes in and starts to talk, but he forgot that it's student announcement time -- Mercedes wants to sing a song to let Kurt know how she feels. And then she sings "I Look to You," originally performed by Whitney Houston, which she describes as "a song about being in a very dark place and then turning to God." And it's a lovely performance, backed up by Tina and Quinn. Oh, and the mysterious harpist who just joined the backup band. I guess she's an exchange student from Ireland. Or some other place where people play the harp.
Kurt is near tears at the end. But it's partly because the song makes him feel even more alienated from his friends, because he doesn't believe in God. And there are a lot of American high schools where telling people that is about as difficult as telling them you're gay, so good for you, Kurt. Kurt tells them that if God does exist, then He's kind of a jerk, for doing things like making Kurt gay and then having his followers try to oppress Kurt for the imagined failure of having chosen his sexual orientation. "Right now, I don't want a heavenly father. I want my real one back." Mercedes points out that he can't prove that there's no God. Kurt responds that nobody can prove that "there isn't a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?" Brit-Brit asks, "Is God an evil dwarf?" No, Brit, that's just Karl Rove, and he only thinks he's God. Quinn would like the blasphemy to cease. Kurt stands up to leave and tells them, "I appreciate your thoughts, but I don't want your prayers."
Maharishi's Temple of Temerity. Sue is telling Figgins and Will that all the spiritual song singing has to stop, due to the separation of church and state. It's all a ridiculous bundle of half-truths and stupidity (as you would expect, given that the three people in the room are Sue, Will and Figgins). Sue's not aware that a teacher can teach about religion -- a school just can't endorse any one religion over another, or the idea of having a religion over not having one. And Figgins thinks that he can't do anything unless there's a student complaint, which is bull -- if what Will was doing was a violation of the First Amendment, the school would have to stop it even if every student was thrilled with the idea. Law students -- don't rely on this show when taking your exams in Constitutional Law.
Rachel enters Finn's room. Aw, I think I had that cowboy wallpaper when I was five. Finn asks Rachel if she's also upset about Kurt's dad. Rachel: "Yes. But more importantly, let's discuss your newfound love of Jesus, and how it's affecting me." She tells him that she plans to be with him for a long time, but she needs to know that when she turns 25 and is ready for intercourse and babies, that those babies will be raised in the Jewish faith. Finn is still lost in the idea that she doesn't plan to have sex until she's 25. Rachel: "Both of my dads' peoples were slaves once. I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right." Finn's totally down with the idea of the kids going to Jew church. So Rachel rewards him with a kiss, and tells him to lie on the bed with her. And then she pulls his hand up to her breast. They kiss, and then Finn looks to the heavens and whispers, "Thank you, Grilled Cheesus." I hope Grilled Cheesus is back down in the refrigerator and not in the attic. Or stuck to the ceiling.
Sue's office. She's grilling Brit-Brit and "Jugs the Clown" (by which she means Santana and her slightly padded bra) what's going on in Glee. Santana tells her that everyone is sad about Kurt. Brit gave him a card that said "heart attacks are just from loving too much." It came from Hallmark's Moron Line of cards -- for when you care enough to totally confuse your friends. Sue asks if Will is still pushing the church music; Santana doesn't see what the big deal is, but she does let Sue know that Kurt is totally not into the religion scene.
And now Sue has Kurt in her office -- she's asking how his father is, and she almost sounds like she cares. She tells him how sorry she is for what he's going through: "I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And I guess I don't have to -- I think Mary Lou Retton is, like, an orphan or something." And then Sue tries to rope Kurt into filing a complaint about the religious music so she can go to the school board to shut it down. And it looks like she might succeed -- we'll find out after these commercial messages.
Emma, having heard that Sue got the church music lesson shut down, runs into Sue's office to demand exactly what her problem is. And then Sue gets up, closes the door of her office, and tells us what sounds suspiciously like the truth. But being Sue, one can never be too certain. Anyway, Sue's story is that as a child, she worshipped Jean. And when she realized that Jean was different from other people, and that other people were mean to her, Sue prayed for God to cure Jean. And nothing happened. So Sue prayed harder, until she realized it wasn't that she wasn't trying hard enough, it's that there was no God. "Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel." Emma thinks Sue might be a little bit arrogant. I mean, I say Emma "thinks" that, but clearly we all know that Sue is entirely arrogant. But Sue thinks the real arrogance is telling someone who doesn't believe what you believe that they're going to hell. I like Kurt's reasons better. And while I'm glad this show is presenting atheists who don't end up changing their minds or even agreeing that just maybe they're wrong, I don't like presenting Sue as the kind of atheist who rejects God because she didn't get what she wanted, any more than I like it when a show presents all religious people as having a really simplistic faith in God as a holy ATM. Sue and Emma agree to disagree. And then Sue asks Emma to leave: "I realize you're only half-orangutan, but I'm still allergic to your lustrous ginger mane."
Music room. Will has clearly just told the kids they can't sing any more religious music. Tina: "Last week we were too sexy, this week we're too religious, we can't win." Brit-Brit: "Now I know what Miley feels like." Will tells them they can still sing their religious songs -- just not at school. Santana: "I hope you're happy, Kurt." Kurt: "Having the week of my life, actually." Will tells them to back away from the gay boy, since he had every right to speak his mind. Mercedes doesn't think siding with Sue ever does anybody any good. Kurt: "It's doing me some good. Now I don't have to sit around and listen to all you mental patients talk about how there's a God when I know there isn't one."
Locker room. Finn, in his football gear, puts Grilled Cheesus on a bench, kneels down, and starts praying: "Cheesus, I don't need to tell you how much you rule. You've given me everything I've prayed for, and it turns out Rachel's boobs are really awesome. Anyway, I need another favor, so... Cheesus, I pray that I make quarterback again. Sam's a good dude, I just think I could deliver your message more powerfully if I'm the most popular guy in the school again." And then Puck enters and asks Finn what he's doing. Finn kind of falls into the idea that he was saying grace before eating, and Puck agrees not to tell anyone, noting that he even stopped into Temple to pray for Kurt's dad. He asks Finn what he prays for. Finn, feeling the deep shame of his stupid prayers, lies and claims to be praying for Burt. Puck: "You burnt your grilled cheese."
Finn is being chomped on by mosquitoes in a wooded clearing. It looks remarkably like the one in this scene. Except that Ryan Murphy decided not to pay for an owl wrangler, so Finn's wide-eyed, slightly vacant stare will have to do. And then Rachel lights her candle and, in the hope that God will take the song as a prayer for Burt, sings "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" It's not Barbra, but it's quite beautiful nonetheless. Although this clearing to the sewage spillover pond in Lima, Ohio, is not as frightening as the woods in the Polish countryside. But you work with what you have.
Half-way through the song, we cut to Burt's hospital room. Carol and Finn are there while Rachel sings, and then we see that Mercedes and Quinn are also there. And Kurt is listening from the hallway. He waits until Rachel finishes her song (which she does while laying a gentle hand on Burt's forehead) before he bursts in and asks what they're doing there. What they are doing is having a prayer circle for Burt. Kurt's not pleased. Carol tells him that she knows he's upset, but that his friends just want to help. And then a woman in a white turban enters the room. Finn: "Dude, why didn't you just tell us you wanted to pray in Muslim?" Oh, Finn, if only Pamela Geller were as kindhearted as you, her stupidity wouldn't be nearly so offensive. Anyway, the woman in the turban isn't a Muslim. She's a Sikh who also happens to be an acupuncturist, which is why Kurt asked her to come -- to see if sticking Burt with some needles would help his condition. And then Kurt kicks them all out, notwithstanding Rachel's plea that they just wanted to do something. Kurt blows out the candle, which I had not noticed before. Because if I had, I would have commented on the utter stupidity of having an open flame in a hospital full of pure oxygen and other flammable gasses. Have the oxygen-caused explosion episodes of every single medical drama over the last 20 years not taught Americans that an open flame in a hospital is a bad idea? Commercials.
Football game. In the huddle, Sam calls a play. But Finn, relying on his authority as the only person on the field to have won a game there (by which he must mean as the only person to be quarterback while winning a game, since we all know that Kurt won that game), convinces Sam to try something different. And that something different results in Sam getting tackled by a mountain of a man from the other team, dislocating his shoulder and taking him out of the game and off to the hospital. Coach Beiste has no choice but to make Finn the QB.
Music room. Will decides to lighten the mood of the Glum Club by congratulating Finn on becoming the QB and leading the team to victory. Puck ruins the moment a little for Finn by noting how very unfortunate it was that Sam had to have his arm ruined in order for Finn to win his spot back. And then Kurt gets up to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and to tell them that his father's condition hasn't changed. And then he sings a song. But not before telling us that when his mother died and they were at his funeral, he wanted nothing more than for Burt to just say something to him. And Burt reached down and took his hand, and Kurt knew that everything would be okay because his father loved him and would be there for him. If you're not already crying, you will be if you go listen to Kurt singing "I Want to Hold Your Hand." He sings it slowly, with the kind of tender emotion that he so often brings to a song. And while he's singing, we get glimpses of a young Kurt (played by a boy who could easily pass for Chris Colfer's younger brother) hanging out with Burt. Burt teaches him to ride a bike, and has a tea party with him, and holds his hand as they walk away from the funeral. All while L'il Kurt wears a bowtie, and one time reaches up and performs his trademark hair flick. Kurt is in tears singing the song, and half the Glee Club is in tears listening to it. Sometimes the more serious emotional scenes on this show don't feel entirely genuine to me, but this one certainly did.
Hallway. Mercedes approaches Kurt and tells him, "I know you're going through a really scary time right now, but I feel like I don't know how to be around you anymore." And look, I am not here to mediate every fight that breaks out in the forums, but I think she's just saying that the way she knows how to express sympathy and love for him is through the lens of her faith, and he's told them that he doesn't want that. And then he tells her that he knows he shouldn't be pushing his friends away. And then she invites him to come to her church on Sunday, because she's gotten the church to dedicate the service to Burt. Kurt's initial response is to say no, but he agrees to come when she tells him he'll get to wear a fabulous hat. Commercials.
Emma's office. Finn is there: "I have to confess something. I'm the reason Sam got hurt." And then he explains about the Grilled Cheesus and all of his wishes that came true. And then Emma straightens him out on his delusions, telling him that they won the football game because now they have a coach who spends the time watching the game rather than biting his toenails. And that God didn't let Finn touch Rachel's boob -- that was all Rachel's doing. And, upon further discussion, she realizes it was because he actually listened to Rachel and gave her something she asked for. She tells him that the reason Sam was injured was because he got slammed by a 300-pound tackle who's on steroids. Emma: "God works in all kinds of mysterious ways. But I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to speak to us through sandwiches." Emma has clearly never been to Geoff's Superlative Sandwiches on Benefit Street in Providence. Because their sandwiches are a religious experience. Finn's disappointed -- his direct line to God has been taken away. "Now I just feel like everyone else. Like we're all just floating around in space. I don't like that." Emma, who really is a great guidance counselor, tells him that everybody struggles with these kinds of questions, so he shouldn't feel alone.
But her guidance isn't enough to keep Finn from launching into R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion." And yes, we all know that it's actually a song about unrequited love. But you can't possibly expect Finn to pick up on those kinds of subtleties. If you're working with his brain, a song that has the words "losing my religion" in it pretty much has to be about losing your religion. Although part of it almost appears to be about unrequited love in reverse, as he spies on Kurt sitting and crying in the library. But mostly, he just strides around the hallways. And then ends up singing the song in the music room. After he finishes, some of the other kids are upset, because they thought they weren't supposed to sing songs about religion. And I'm not dignifying that with a comment. Will asks Finn what the song meant to him. Finn: "I used to think God was up there looking over me. Now I'm not so sure." Actually, Finn, I think you thought God was in the refrigerator looking over you.
Black people church. Kurt, wearing a fabulous black velvet hat, walks in with Mercedes. She leads him to a bench (and he awkwardly tries to genuflect before sitting down, which is just very thoughtful, if not particularly smart), and then she leaves him there because she has to go sing with the choir. Apparently, it's a kind of informal church, because Mercedes just kind of shushes everyone up by saying "Hi, Church!" Oh, look, there's another white guy. Mercedes asks everyone to put their own troubles aside and focus their prayers on Kurt's dad, it would mean a lot to her. She speaks directly to him from the front of the church: "I know you don't believe in God, you don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay. To each his own. But you've gotta believe in something, something more than you can touch, taste, or see. 'Cause life is too hard to go through it alone, without something to hold on to, and without something that's sacred." Like, maybe, Friday night dinner. Although Friday night dinner is something you should be able to touch, taste and see. Unless you're being served some kind of vapor. But that would probably mean you're eating in some incredibly expensive restaurant in Barcelona. Which seems unlikely. Mercedes and her choir sing a very churchy arrangement of Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water." And just like I think it was sweet that Kurt tried to genuflect, it's sweet that Mercedes picked a non-religious song to sing to him. As the song goes on, the entire congregation gets into it. The woman sitting to Kurt takes his hand and helps him stand with everyone else. And then Kurt gets an approving glance from a church lady wearing the exact same hat. Commercials.
Sue's visiting Jean at the home. They're playing checkers, and Sue's letting Jean win. And then Sue asks Jean if she believes in God. Jean asks the same question, and then asks for an explanation when Sue says she doesn't. Sue: "Because when we were little girls, you were perfect in my eyes. And I watched the world be cruel to you." Jean tells her that she doesn't believe that God makes mistakes. And then she offers to pray for Sue, and Sue, with tears in her voice, tells her, "Yeah, that'd be nice."
Burt's hospital room. Kurt is adjusting his hospital gown, presumably after another visit from the acupuncturist. And then he tells his father a story: "Mercedes took me to church on Sunday. It's funny, but when the choir was singing, this memory flashed into my head. Do you remember our first Friday night dinner after Mom died? You tried to make a chicken? I guess you wanted me to feel like there was something still normal. You put it on the table, and you cut into it, and it was raw. And we both looked at each other for a second and cracked up before we remembered that we weren't supposed to yet. I'm sorry about the other day, Dad. I should have let those guys pray for you. It wasn't about me, it was about you, and it was nice. I don't believe in God, Dad, but I believe in you. And I believe in us, you and me. That's what's sacred to me. And I'm... I'm so sorry that I never got to tell you that." By now, Kurt is sobbing (as am I), and then he feels Burt's hand move in his. And he calls out for a nurse.
Auditorium. The kids are singing "One of Us." Every time I hear them sing "What if God was one of us," I can't help but think of the fact that Marlene Dietrich refused to sing "A Guy What Takes His Time" unless she could change the lyrics to be grammatical. I'm not sure why this song makes me think of that. Also, I kind of find this song be extremely painful. It's kind of like being stretched out on a Catherine wheel. Although in this case, it's more like a Catherine cheese wheel. As they sing, we see Finn go into the refrigerator and pull out the Grilled Cheesus. And then he eats it. And I guess Grilled Cheesus did have miraculous powers, because Finn does not instantly die of food poisoning. We only get to hear a few lines of the song, because Sue enters the auditorium and stands behind Will. While the kids are still singing, he asks her if she's going to turn him in. And she tells him she's not. And on that very strange note, they end the episode.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see the show's Worst Musical Moments!
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LTG lives in D.C., where he's a full-time pension attorney and a part-time faith healer. You can e-mail him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.