Ohmigod, I totally want to go back and change the grade I gave "The Power Of Madonna" from an A to an A+ so I can give this episode an A. That way, it'll be higher than the A- LTG gave "Theatricality" but still lower than the A+ I should have given "The Power Of Madonna" in the first place because this was so much better than that Gaga crap but still not as good as cheerleaders on stilts.
So, Emma's dating her dentist, a certain Carl Howell D.D.S., whom we will be referring to as "Hot Carl" because you know that's what that sick bastard Ryan Murphy wants us to call him, and why not give the man what he wants, especially after he gave us so awesome an episode? Anyway, Emma brings her Hot Carl to McKinley High to lecture the students on the finer points of proper oral hygiene and Will -- jealous of their burgeoning relationship, of course -- contrives to have Hot Carl give his first such lecture to the Glee Club. After issuing a dire warning regarding the dangers of filthy plaque buildup, Hot Carl passes out those little pills you chew on to find out if you missed large areas of clingy gunk while brushing, and it turns out that Brittany, Rachel, and Artie have absolutely disgusting mouths, so appointments with Hot Carl are immediately scheduled for each.
Meanwhile, the Homecoming pep rally's coming up, and Mr. Schue managed to get New Directions a slot on the program. Problem is, he wants the kids to perform a selection from the catalog of that seminal Adult Contemporary hitmaker, Christopher Cross, but the kids decide they'd rather do Britney Spears. No, not like...Jeez, would you get your filthy heads out of the gutter for just one minute? Please? ANY-way, Brittany alone amongst the teens raises her hand to object, for her full name is Brittany S. Pierce, and she has lived in the shadow of Other Britney her entire life. She's traumatized, y'all!
Fortunately, Hot Carl still makes liberal use of nitrous oxide when he's working on his patients' mouths, so Brittany ends up having a totally liberating hallucination wherein she is even more lovely and talented than Other Britney could ever hope to be, and this inspires her to demand all of the featured Glee Club solos from here on out. First, though, she tells Santana Lopez all about Hot Carl's magical gas, so the two of them schedule a tandem appointment to indulge in a totally liberating shared hallucination wherein they are even more lovely and talented than Other Britney and Madonna, respectively. Of course, once Artie and Rachel get wind of Hot Carl's magical gas, they too hustle on over to the good tooth doctor's office to have totally liberating hallucinations of their own wherein they are not quite as lovely and talented as Other Britney, but hey. You take what you can get, am I right?
It all leads up to Mr. Schue caving to the kids' demands and allowing them to perform a Britney Spears song at the rally, but because he's still hung up on Emma, and because he wants to prove to her that he can be as madcap and carefree as Hot Carl, he insists upon performing the selection with New Directions, and the resulting on-stage gyrations trigger a sex riot amongst the assembled students so violent that the magnificent Sue Sylvester is forced to pull a fire alarm to evacuate the building.
And in the end, Rachel gets up in front of the others to dedicate some song I've never heard of to Finn because they were apparently wallowing in some sort of bullshit high school angst all episode while everyone else around them was busy being awesome, and a bunch of people cry.
Sorry if this all seems a little too enthusiastic and more than a bit disjointed, but towards the end of the evening, Jane Lynch delivered a piece of absolutely inspired lunacy about what really happened at the 1968 Democratic National Convention, and I still haven't recovered from it.
Featuring Other Britney's "I'm A Slave 4 U" as performed by Our Brittany, Other Britney's "Me Against The Music" as performed by Our Brittany and Santana Lopez, Other Britney's "I'm A Teenage High School Slut" as performed by Rachel, Other Britney's "Stronger" as performed by Artie and The McKinley High Titans, Other Britney's "Toxic" as performed by Mr. Schuester and New Directions, some song I've never heard of as performed by Rachel, and seminal Adult Contemporary hitmaker Christopher Cross's "Sailing" as performed by seminal Adult Contemporary hitmaker Christopher Cross.
"Awriiiiiiiiiiiiii!" Mr. Schue overenthusiastically opens the episode. "Who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?" No one under the age of forty, that's for damn sure, and even that's pushing it. Proving me right, our dear little Brit-Brit guesses, "He discovered America." Finn, naturally, nods his head eagerly in agreement. Mr. Schue, to his credit, barely rolls his eyes at their ignorance, and instead perks, "Close! He did write an iconic chart-topper, 'Sailing.'" "I have a bad feeling about this lesson," Kurt announces to whomever's sitting to his left while Single-T Tina, with her arms folded firmly across her chest, mutters, "Never heard of him, don't want to hear about him." Mr. Schue, deliberately deaf to the children's grumblings, lectures that while "some people think of the term 'Easy Listening' as a bad thing," good music can in fact be "controlled" and "restrained." Gaze fondly upon those last two adjectives, gentle reader, and then bid them farewell, for nothing that follows in this episode could ever be described by either.
Mr. Schue passes out a set of sheet music to the kids. Finn takes one look at the lyrics and immediately wonders, "How can you get caught between the moon and New York City? They're, like, a hundred miles apart." And if that statement's any sort of reflection on Finn's grasp of spatial relations, no wonder he's such a sucky quarterback. "If I may?" Kurt interrupts with a delicate finger in the air. "I think I speak for all of us," he continues, "when I say it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky-smooth Adult Contemporary; it's just that, as teens, this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to." Point to the precious adolescent queen. "However," Kurt adds, his face lighting up with excitement, "there's a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled to over five members. Their ardent demand? That this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club perform a number by -- wait for it -- Ms. Britney Spears!" Various children delight at the very idea until Mr. Schue firmly shuts them all down with, "No, no, no -- I don't think she's a very good role model." And... point to Mr. Schue! That doesn't happen very often, now, does it?
Rachel attempts to argue that, whether Britney's a good role model or not, kids today grew up on the overproduced pop garbage Ms. Spears barfed out before she had her nervous breakdown a couple of years ago, and Single-T Tina insists, "She's literally why I wanted to become a performer!" And as that's just sad and pathetic on so many different levels, let's leap across the room with the camera for Brit-Brit's somewhat surprising reaction to all this hullabaloo: "I don't want to do Britney," she almost whispers, her head turned down and to the side as if ashamed. When Kurt wonders why, Brit-Brit replies, "Because my name is also Britney Spears." Everyone's all, "Buh?" so Brit-Brit explains, "My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce -- Brittany Spierce." "I've lived my entire life in Britney Spears' shadow," Our Dear Little Brit-Brit mourns in her characteristic monotone. "I will never be as talented or as famous, and I hope you'll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears." Would that we all could escape the torment of Britney Spears, Brittany S. Pierce, but I'm afraid that will be impossible this evening.
"Well!" Mr. Schue delights, most pleased indeed to have been provided with so handy an excuse to ignore the children's wishes. "There you have it, guys. It's been decided: No Britney. Sorry!" "Thanks, Brit," Kurt snipes. "Thanks a lot!" "Leave Brittany alone!" Santana Lopez chides. "Thank you for understanding," Brit-Brit smiles, turning to Santana with teary-eyed gratitude before adding, "It's been a hard road." Meanwhile, Rachel suddenly realizes that she hasn't been the center of attention for more than two whole minutes, so she shoots a hand into the air and snots, "Um, can we move on?" "Yes!" Mr. Schue agrees. "Let's talk about Michael Bolton." See what they did there? Title card.
When we return, Will's retreated to Emma's, where the lady of the office obsessively arranges some of her classic pamphlets while lecturing him on the remarkable turnaround Ms. Spears has managed to effect in her life and career since she went completely bazoo a few years ago. "I think she's the perfect symbol for the possibility of rebirth," Emma decides. Will snorts. As do I, incidentally, but it's his reaction that's important at the moment, for it offers Emma an opportunity to get all judgy. "That's your problem, Will," she claims. "You're too uptight." Quite rightly, Will throws that one right back at her. "You're calling me uptight?" he scoffs. "The woman who buys hand sanitizer by the barrel?" And... another point to Mr. Schue! This episode is just full of surprises, isn't it?
Meanwhile, out in the hall, those meathead bruiser assholes whose names I never bothered to learn are harassing Finn again, this time by confiscating his letterman's jacket and ripping it in two right there in front of all their gawking classmates. Finn tries to deck one of them, but ends up slamming his fist into a locker, so the meathead bruiser assholes harass him some more until Artie wheels over to apologize to Finn for getting him kicked off the football team. The meatheads ramble on for a bit about their nonexistent moral codes before leaving, but none of that is important at the moment, because what is important is the fact that Coach Beiste has been sternly eavesdropping on the entire altercation. She gets an idea, nods briefly to herself, then exits the frame so we might zip over to...
...the music room, where Hot Carl's passing out those tablets you chew on to see if you've missed any plaque while brushing. "Can I just say you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen?" Santana Lopez opines. Hot Carl modestly notes he gets that all the time, so Santana Lopez stresses, "No, like, seriously: You can totally drill me whenever..." "Santana!" Emma brightly interrupts from the sidelines, where she's standing to Will. "Let's stay focused!" There follows some unimportant banter between Hot Carl and Mr. Schue that only serves to reinforce how unthreatened Hot Carl appears to be by his girlfriend's ex, and then the children chew on Hot Carl's magical tablets. Surprisingly enough, the only three to come out at the other end of the experience with soiled mouths are Rachel, even though she flosses between classes, Artie, who guesses he'd take better care of his teeth if he could actually see himself in the mirror, and Brittany, who rinses her mouth out with soda after she eats, because she was under the impression that Dr. Pepper was a dentist. Appointments are quickly scheduled for each of the foulmouthed teens, and the thing we know...
...Brittany's leaning back in the chair in Hot Carl's office. "This room looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed," Brittany observes. Hot Carl ignores that one to note that Brittany has the worst teeth he's ever seen. "You have cavities in every single tooth!" he exclaims. "It's got to be some sort of record!" "Please don't pull all my teeth," Brittany rather mellowly pleads. "When I smile, I'll look like an adult baby, but with boobs." Hot Carl realizes he's going to have to put Brittany under general anesthesia in order to get any work done, so he switches on the Pandora and encourages her to relax while advancing upon her with an enormous gas mask. Just before she goes under, Brittany realizes what the evil Pandora is vomiting out across the digital airwaves and moans, "OhnonotBritney!" The screen flares white, and...
...cue this evening's first musical number! Obviously, it's an anesthesia-induced fantasy taking place in Brittany's temporarily altered noggin. Just as obviously, it's an anesthesia-induced fantasy of Our Brittany as That Britney, in this case lip-synching to her very own version of "I'm A Slave 4 U" while gyrating across the screen in a variety of That Britney's iconic outfits. Now, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a big Britney Spears fan. In fact, up until this evening, the only Britney Spears song I was familiar with was the inescapable "...Baby One More Time" (and don't get me started on Ms. Spears' asinine punctuation in her song titles, the very sight of which fills me with homicidal rage).
That said, this number kicks all kinds of ass, and for that we can thank Heather Morris and her entirely sick dance skillz. Well, Heather Morris and her entirely sick dance skillz, plus the fact that they've chosen to mash up costumes and imagery from a variety of That Britney's better-known performances, including the red leather catsuit from "Oops! ...I Did It Again" (Death! ...Death To The Stupid Punctuation!), the crystal-encrusted body stocking she wore during bits of "Toxic", and the albino python she sported during the 2001 VMAs. Oh, and her primary backup boys are mad hot, and that always helps, too. Bottom line, between her coy teasing of Hallucination Hot Carl, her amusingly playful routine with a bunch of Beyond Thunderdome toddlers in a grade-school classroom, and her insane moves with those primary backup boys in the main part of the sequence, Our Brittany easily out-Britneys That Britney, and for that reason alone, I want to give this episode an A. In your face, Britney Spears!
And when it's all over, Our Brittany comes back to sludgy semi-consciousness in Hot Carl's office. "I petted a snake!" she slurs. Hot Carl, having no idea what she's talking about, simply smirks and eyebrows, "Rock on!" before turning to schedule another appointment for her, as she has 68 cavities that still need to be filled. Brittany, zonked, asks, "Can I have a blue toothbrush?" "I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes," Hot Carl promises. Brittany, suddenly suspicious: "Are you a cat?"
School. Finn and Rachel amble through the hallways, hand in hand, and as they immediately start in with some bullshit angst-ridden teenaged high-school romance crap I totally do not care about, I know I can ignore their scenes for the rest of the episode. !
Okay, fine: Long story short, Finn's having an identity crisis because he was kicked off the football team and wah, and Rachel's insensitively happy about it because it means he won't run off with a Cheerio and blah, and Finn would take umbrage at that if he knew what the word actually meant, and SHUT UP AND CALL ME IN TWENTY YEARS WHEN YOU HAVE ACTUAL PROBLEMS, IDIOTS, and then Santana Lopez saves the day when she floats by with this lovely jibe directed at Man Hands: "Hey, dwarf! Anyone ever tell you that you dress like one of the Bait Girls on To Catch A Predator?" Hee! "Also," Brittany adds while wafting along after Santana Lopez, "I'm more talented than you." Surprisingly, this last is true for many reasons, most of which we will get to when it's Rachel's turn for an anesthesia-induced fantasy later in the episode. Oops! ...Spoiler! Also: Commercials.
"So, Santana," Hot Carl begins once we've returned from the break. "I'm looking at your charts and your X-rays, and your teeth are perfect." "That's riiii-ight!" Santana musically confirms while idly examining her nails in one of Hot Carl's office chairs. "Well, I can't just put you under," Hot Carl protests. "Anesthesia isn't something to joke about," he continues, somehow repressing the urge to break the fourth wall with a knowing wink to the audience. "It's serious!" "Okay, listen," Santana Lopez retorts, with delicious amounts of privilege and attitude, "my dad's a doctor -- and not a 'tooth doctor,' a real one. He, like, went to college, or something, which means I have a killer healthcare plan that pretty much pays for everything, so get up in my grille, 'cause Brits and I wants to get our anesthesia on!" Brits, who had been revealed to be sitting in the other chair during all of that, smiles, "It's totally cool!" "I guess I can give you a super-strong bleaching," Hot Carl shrugs, and he offers to turn the radio on. Brit-Brit and Santana Lopez have that covered, thank you very much, and no sooner have they plugged their buds into their ears than we're hurled into...
...this evening's second musical number! This one's a straight cover of the duet That Britney did with Madonna, and how I made it through the last decade without once being exposed to that video, I'll never know. In any event, Our Brittany is of course taking That Britney's part in the vaguely lesbionic hilarity that follows with Santana Lopez covering Madonna's bits, and about the best thing I can say for it is that Naya Rivera somehow makes a ladies' white pantsuit look good. Okay, that's not really fair, because Heather Morris once again kills with the choreography, and there are some amusing cameos by the other Glee Clubbers, most notably Puck as the bartender, but the song's kind of meh, and the overall execution doesn't come close to the number that preceded it. Worst of all, it ends with That Britney making the first of three entirely unnecessary appearances in this episode, here slamming Our Brittany against the wall so Our Brittany might dim, "You're really hot." "You're sweet!" That Britney replies. "And your breath smells really good," Our Brittany adds. "So does yours," That Britney allows, "and you know why? 'Cause this is a fantasy." "Wow," Our Brittany drones, and she...
...wakes up giggling to herself, with Santana doing the same on Hot Carl's other chair.
The day in the music room, Mr. Schue's blathering something banal about Christopher Cross when Brittany raises her hand to state, "I would just like to say that from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club." Rachel shoots a frantic look at Mr. Schue, who relays that frantic look to Brittany. Brittany blithely ignores all the panicky gawping to explain, "When I had my teeth cleaned? I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy? I sang and danced better than her? Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am?" "I went with her," Santana Lopez happily confirms, "and I had a Britney fantasy, too, although now that I'm thinking about it? I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined." Single-T Tina looks nauseated at the very idea of Our Brittany and Santana Lopez sharing a That Britney fantasy at the dentist's office, but before we get a chance to explore that fascinating reaction, Kurt pipes up from the cheap seats with, "You see, Mr. Schue? I told you: Britney Spears busted our Brit out of her everyday fragmented haze of confusion, and gave her the confidence to step up and perform!" "I'm more talented than all of you," Our Brittany asserts. "I can see that clearly now." She pauses for a moment before triumphantly concluding, "It's Brittany...bitch." Snerk.
Mr. Schue shouts out above the generalized nonsense that they are not doing Britney Spears this week, and that's final. Kurt, for whatever reason, explodes at this, and all but shrieks, "You are letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do! I mean, this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture, and Britney Spears is pop culture! To suggest otherwise is heretical!" When Mr. Schue interrupts Kurt's tirade to snap at the precious adolescent queen, the precious adolescent queen snaps back, "Jeez, let loose a little, would you? Stop being so frigging uptight all the time!" Oh, Kurt. You sort of had me with that first bit, and then you totally lost me when you slapped Mr. Schue across the teeth with his personal Theme Of The Week. I'm afraid it's detention for you, young man. Mr. Schue is of much the same mind as yours truly and orders Kurt to The Lair Of The Maharishi. Kurt defiantly stands to leave and...dude! Is he wearing a pleated skirt? Over leggings? Even Marc Jacobs is, like, "Honey. Stop."
There follows a ridiculous scene in which Will visits Hot Carl's office for a check-up, and Hot Carl beats on Will's Personal Theme Of The Week by advising him to loosen up a little bit, and Hot Carl tells this boring story about how he realized he was in a rut, so he bought a new Corvette for himself, and we can already tell that near-penniless Will's going to be driving a Corvette of his very own the time we see him even though he'd never be able to secure the financing for one given his salary and this economy, and can I skip ahead to the scene already?
Mr. Schue ambles out of Hot Carl's office to find Rachel in the waiting room, avidly poring over The Unauthorized Biography Of Britney Spears in order to get one over on Our Brittany, or something. Mr. Schue wishes her good luck with her dental appointment, and we've thus arrived at...
...the third Britney video knock-off of the evening! This one involves Rachel, of course, performing a near shot-by-shot remake of "...Baby One More Time," and it's ...easily the ...worst of the ...lot, mainly because the only spin the show attempts to put on it is Lea Michele subtly mocking That Britney's already hilariously exaggerated lip-synching technique. I mean, if ever there were an opportunity for this series to punch up the autotuning to the point of self-parody, this video would be it, given how horribly overproduced That Britney's voice is on the original. Instead, they've knocked the tune up a couple of keys, which is a huge mistake on its own because this fluffy piece of crap desperately needs the original's lower key to ground it with some sense of weight, and so when Lea Michele leaps all the way up into her head voice at points, the entire thing falls apart.
Oh, and That Britney's a much better dancer, too, which makes it all that much worse. Still, if you just let the whole thing breeze past, it's kind of cute. Especially if you ignore Finn's occasional presence in the background. By the way, That Britney makes the second of her three entirely unnecessary appearances in this episode at the very beginning of this sequence as the teacher who shoots Rachel a foul side-eye. Just so you know.
"You Glee kids are impossible to work on," Hot Carl smiles as Rachel emerges from the anesthetic. "You're always moving around when you're under." "Is this real life?" Rachel bleats. Commercials.
The day at school, Rachel arrives in her version of That Britney's "I'm A Teenaged High School Slut" outfit from the pre-commercials fantasy sequence and manages to turn quite a few jock heads, much to Finn's dismay. The two indulge in even more of that bullshit angst-ridden teenaged high-school romance crap I totally do not care about, this time ending with newly confident Rachel airily granting Finn permission to rejoin the football team -- if he can -- before she boobs on out of the frame. Meanwhile, Brit-Brit's been petting Jewfro's jewfro in the blurry background of the shot, and once Rachel's gone, we can hear her coo, "It looks like a Jewish cloud." Creepily smitten Jewfro ducks out from beneath Brit-Brit's curious attentions and jumps into Finn's face with, "What do you want for her? I'll give you anything -- I'll give you my house! I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house!" Finn groans and dolts out of the frame in the opposite direction, leaving Creepily Smitten Jewfro to gross, "Wanky, wanky!" and LALALALALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, JEWFRO.
And sure enough, the time we see Will, he's sitting in the teacher's parking lot in a Corvette of his very own, even though he'd never be able to secure the financing for one given his salary and this economy, and can I skip ahead to the ...oh, wait. This is about to get good. A mildly bemused Emma's ensconced in the passenger seat, and the odiously coiffed midlife crisis is about to take her out for a spin -- to the silky-smooth Adult Contemporary strains of "Sailing," no less -- when Terri pops up from out of nowhere to scream, "Get out of the car!" I should note at this point that Terri's sporting a pair of serious black leather dominatrix boots during this scene. I love Terri so much. "I'm taking this back to the dealer!" Terri yells, rapidly advancing upon her ex-husband, who has manfully leapt from the driver's seat for the confrontation. Before Will can open his mouth, however, Terri notices Emma's presence, whips off her chicly oversized Chanel sunglasses, and howls, "Oh, hey, homewrecker!" I love Terri even more. Will loudly wonders if he has to remind Terri that they're divorced, and Terri bays back that she's reminded of that fact every month when she receives her spousal support check. "The one that I know you can't send me," she adds, "if you're buying a car that you can't afford!"
I should note that, in addition to the serious black leather dominatrix boots and the chicly oversized Chanel sunglasses, Terri appears to be wearing a mink jacket. While screaming about her spousal support checks. And my love for Terri Delmonico Schuester is complete. Emma's not feeling nearly as affectionate as I am, however, for she now huffily exits the ludicrous Corvette to stomp back to her office. The instant Emma's out of earshot, Terri changes her mind about the whole thing and tells Will, "Actually, I think you should keep this car. You should enjoy it -- you know, at least until they repossess it -- but just don't buy any more big-ticket items, okay?" "And why is that?" Will peeves. "Because someday, you are gonna come to your senses," Terri promises, all psychotic eyeliner and batshit determination, "and you're gonna get over that Little Miss Crazypants, and you're gonna come back to the one woman who really knows how to love you, and I just don't want you to have blown all of our savings when you do." With that, she adjusts her mink jacket, slides the chicly oversized Chanel sunglasses back onto her face, and spins on her serious black leather dominatrix heel to strut off from whence she came. Jessalyn Gilsig just made this episode.
Music room. As Finn stares at Rachel's bazongas, Santana Lopez smiles, "Well, Rachel, congratulations! Normally, you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look!" Santana Lopez then pats her hands together and caps it all off with a light little, "Yaaaaaaay!" Kurt takes this opportunity to make another plug for a Britney Spears song at this endless week's still-impending homecoming assembly, which unfortunately gives Mr. Schue An Idea. This should suck. He asks Rachel if it's true that Britney Spears gave her the confidence to present herself differently, and Rachel confirms it, noting that her anesthesia-induced fantasy somehow gave her permission "to get out of [her] own way." She claims that she was "always afraid to dress like a pretty girl," but adds that she now realizes "it's okay to feel that way about yourself every now and then." Rachel somewhat nervously glances up at Quinn for confirmation of this. Hilariously, Quinn has been pointedly ignoring this entire asinine discussion. "Maybe it's a good thing," Rachel concludes. "It's such a good thing?" Brittany agrees, "That I can't even believe it?" Cue the entrance of one Sue Sylvester, who's just arrived to kick this episode up another notch. "William?" she acidly interrupts. "A word."
"You have got to be kidding me!" Will gasps. Sue's dragged him to the otherwise empty teacher's lounge, and she calmly explains, "I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records -- y'know, to fly my J.V. squad so if the plane did go down, well, it wouldn't be that big of a deal -- but then? HORROR!"
Smear to last night on the not-so-new library set. Sue stalks the darkened aisles until she stumbles upon Jewfro abusing himself while watching one of his previously taped interviews with Rachel, and I'm sorry, Sue, but "HORROR!" doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm about the least prudish guy you're going to meet, but there's a time and a place for everything. Everything except pasty naked Jewfro giving us his ferrety O face on broadcast television, of course, because no one ever -- ever -- needed to see that shit. I mean, my parents watch this show, for Christ's sake! Well, they used to, at any rate. Enjoy the precipitous drop in ratings week!
The sordid tale continues with pasty naked Jewfro down in Sue's office, seated upon her Chair Of Shame while she coolly listens to his babbling explanations for the atrocity we were just forced to endure. Sue does get in a good line about pasty naked Jewfro's stank-ass butt-crack, but we'll be otherwise ignoring this scene in favor of...
...smearing back to the otherwise empty teacher's lounge, where Will agrees, "That is really gross, Sue." Understatement! However, he argues that kids will be kids, which leads to the following delightful non sequitur from Sue: "I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony, redheaded hominid you're in love with. I understand that. I also understand that you bought a brand-new car to impress her. You're flailing, William! And I'm secretly hoping it's a midlife crisis, which means you're halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented senescence spent peeing on your grave!" Will, far less appreciative of Sue's brilliance than I, asks her to get to the point. "Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop culture provocateur!" Sue warns, and it says something about Jane Lynch's delivery of that line that this bit of show-sponsored guest-star ass-kissing bothers me not in the least.
Sue goes on to caution that Ms. Spears is "a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created," and she's got a butt-sweat stained Chair Of Shame to prove it. "I'm not kidding," she assures him. "It's like an ink-blot test, that butt-sweat stain -- stare into it, William, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world!" Sue is not, in fact, kidding, for when I inadvertently paused the playback on pasty naked Jewfro's stank-ass butt-sweat stain, I felt the darkness surging up to overwhelm me. Fortunately, I was able to hit play in time to rejoin Sue as she stands to exit. Just before she reaches the door, however, she draws herself up and realizes, "Wait a second -- you look even more confused now than ever. Is your Glee Club doing Britney Spears music? Is that why Rachel was wearing that inappropriate outfit?" "No! We are not doing Britney!" Will LIES, for that sucky Idea he got a couple of scenes ago actually does involve "doing Britney," as we shall see at some point following the commercial break.
Cue the third of That Britney's entirely unnecessary appearances in this episode, as she materializes at the beginning of Artie's anesthesia-induced fantasy to reprimand Single-T Tina for breaking up with "such a sweetheart." This sets up Artie's football-themed version of "Stronger," in which his fellow team members basically sashay Artie's pimped-out battering ram of a wheelchair to victory while Single-T Tina mournfully watches from the bleachers behind a banner that reads, "LOSER." As you might surmise, it's anything but subtle. It is, however, cute, especially when Dream Artie starts throwing his patented White Boy Karaoke Gang Signs in the middle of it all. Besides, it's always amusing to watch the football team attempt choreography.
And when Artie awakens from his Hot Carl haze, he smiles a secret smile to himself and murmurs, "Britney!"
Locker room, the in the endless string of days comprising this endless week. Artie wheels himself in, all brimming with newfound confidence, and corners Finn to insist upon joining the football team, and long, ridiculous story short, Coach Beiste enters to tell both of them to suit up for practice. You see, at the top of the hour, when she made her stern decision in the hallway, she determined to punish those meathead bruiser assholes whose names I never bothered to learn by indulging Artie in his preposterous desire to join the team, and to add insult to injury by offering Finn his old position. At least, that's what I'm getting from the satisfied smile she's giving herself at the end of this scene. !
Music room. Artie explains for the Brittanys of the audience (plus Puck) that the nitrous oxide Hot Carl's been using leads to vivid hallucinations wherein the subconscious moves to the forefront and...you know what? To hell with this. Mr. Schue enters with the welcome news that the children may perform That Britney at the homecoming assembly, and great is the rejoicing across the music room. Until he announces his intention to join them onstage. D'OH! Commercials.
Locker room, where Rachel and Finn indulge in even more of that bullshit angst-ridden teenaged high-school romance crap I totally do not care about. Rachel's back in her dark, specific Japanese businessman fetishwear, and Finn's back in his sunny, generalized gay male fetishwear, and Rachel crazies something about their relationship only working if they're both losers, and OHMIGOD I DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT CARE. Finn gives her a pep-talk, Rachel still doesn't trust him, and !
The Fall Homecoming Assembly You Thought Would Never Arrive. Will, looking like a desperate Fosse reject in that little black bowler of his, adjusts a microphone until he spots Emma across the gym. Cocking his sad little black bowler at a jaunty angle, he sneaks up behind her and coyly offers to meet her backstage after the performance, if you know what he means, and I think you do. Emma, momentarily thrown, blurts out that he looks "like a cast member of Kids Incorporated," which is a reference I thankgodfully do not get at all, and Will idiots something about His Personal Theme Of The Week, and then the lights start blinking on and off to signal the start of The Fall Homecoming Assembly You Thought Would Never Arrive, because every high school in America totally blinks the lights when an assembly's about to start, and just when I'm about to start ranting again about stupid things I totally do not care about, Becky darts across the basketball court's floor to report to Sue. "The Glee Club's doing Britney Spears for assembly -- I just found out!" Becky breathlessly exclaims. Sue visibly steels herself and announces, "Becky, you are on Red Alert -- if you see any awkward teenage frottage, you perform that citizen's arrest we practiced!" Becky's all, "Got it, Coach!" with the conspiratorial winking and finger-guns and such, and then it's off to...
...the front of the gym, where The Maharishi introduces tonight's final Britney cover with the following: "Quiet please, children -- quiet, now. First, students who ate the ravioli today, and are not up to date with their tetanus shots, should see the nurse immediately. Welcome to our Homecoming Pep Assembly. Because of last week's grisly train derailment, the Dulcimer Club is on hiatus until further notice, but do we ever have a treat for you: Fresh off their last-place finish at the regionals, please give it up for the New Directions." This episode's plot might be a mess, but Ryan Murphy's bringing it with the laugh lines.
And with that, New Directions launches into their Fosse-inflected version of "Toxic." Unfortunately, whatever momentum the number might build for itself it destroyed by the constant cutaways to the student body, who are of course going nuts just as Sue predicted. Worst among the offenders in the bleachers is, naturally, Jewfro, who after tonight needs to take a very long leave of absence from this show. Coming in a close second, however, is The A.V. Club's Lauren Tuna, who keeps shrieking wanton, lustful catcalls in Mr. Schue's general direction. At one point, Jewfro bends forward to fondle the ass of the long-haired blonde in front of him, but of course the long-haired blonde is actually a long-haired blond, and Jewfro quite rightly ends up with the glasses punched clear off his face. All hell proceeds to break loose, to the point where Sue has little choice but to bellow, "It's a Britney Spears sex riot!" and pull the fire alarm. In the ensuing melee, Jewfro is trampled, Emma is vigorously mussed, and Sue finds herself pinned against the gym's wall much like the unfortunate Betty Buckley did at the end of Carrie. New Directions remains on the stage, riveted in place by shock, or something like that, until everyone vanishes into the commercial break.
Teacher's lounge, the following morning of this interminable week. As Will pours himself a cup of coffee, someone pointedly clears her throat behind his back. "How you doing, Sue?" Will sighs. We see Sue's neckbrace before we hear her explanation, and this should be excellent. "Not sure if you heard, William, but my spinal column was ruptured in a sex riot." And I was right. "You pulled the alarm!" Will protests. "Everything was going fine!" "You know, William," Sue counters, "that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention, but then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the hour screaming, "Sex party!" into the microphones of all three major networks." Brilliance. Inspired, lunatic brilliance. Partly because that really is how Republicans view the 1968 Democratic National Convention, and partly because that's pretty much what actually happened. Or so I heard. And I'm guessing Jane Lynch is hereby shortlisted for year's Emmys, yes? And you know what? It keeps getting better: "You can expect a call very soon," Sue smirks, "from my lawyer, Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests -- I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom -- and I'll see you in court." And with that, Sue carefully paces out a right-angles-only exit around him.
Will, exasperated, crosses to Emma's table to make amends over the whole "Toxic" debacle, and it's really just more boring relationship chatter, so I'll cut to the chase: Emma insists that Will needn't try to be someone he's not just to impress her, and Will leaves to return his midlife-crisis-mobile to the dealership. Wow. That was relatively painless.
Hall. Quinn sidles up to Frankenteen and suggests they begin dating again. Frankenteen turns her down, and requests that she respect his relationship with Rachel. Quinn sidles up to Rachel, who'd been eavesdropping on the entire conversation, and confirms that Frankenteen just turned her down with a request that she respect his relationship with Rachel. I'm tempted to zap back to pasty naked Jewfro's stank-ass butt-sweat stain so the surging darkness can overwhelm me, thereby ensuring I never have to listen to this tedious relationship crap again. And... scene. Wow. That was the exact opposite of the paragraph above it.
Music room, and oh, my holy Christ, SHUT UP, RACHEL. She doesn't listen to me, and instead rises to dedicate a song to Finn, because she's realized she was "trying to hold on to how [he] was making [her] feel so much that [she] was strangling [him] in [her] hands like a little bird." "I get now," she continues, still refusing to SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT HER STUPID, POINTLESS ADOLESCENT BULLSHIT ALREADY, "that in order for this relationship to work, I have to put up my hands and let you fly free." Brittany, to the room, amazed: "Finn can fly?" Kurt, to Brittany, aghast: "Really?" Brittany, blessedly changing the subject: "Wait. I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. week, I'm going to be performing a musical number by Ke$ha." Hee. I wonder if That Britney realizes how much Ryan Murphy actually hates her.
And in the end, Rachel leads the rest of the group in a cover of some Delilah-ready annoyance called "The Only Exception" while the camera darts away from the performance to indulge in this totally romantic montage of Will stalking Hot Carl and Emma before heading back inside to linger on a slow-motion bout of hand-holding between Frankenteen and Rachel until it finally returns to the music room where -- in the only vaguely interesting relationship-related moment of the evening -- Quinn mouths a line of the song to Puck. I want to see Puck and Quinn rise up and unite to crush the rest of these mopey morons beneath their devastatingly well-turned heels.
week, Puck sings "Only The Good Die Young," which pretty much guarantees an A+ from me. Good thing LTG's covering that episode.
Demian's in the mood for some grilled cheese right about now. You may reach him with offers of same at demian_twop@yahoo.com.
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