Glee TV Show - Preggers - Glee Recaps, Glee Reviews, Glee Episodes | TWoP

Recapped by LTG · Aired 2009-09-23

Previously, on Glee: Shirtless Puck. Swoooon.

A hand selects "Single Ladies" on an iPod. As the music starts to play, we see Kurt, backed up by Tina and Britney (formerly Quinnion Number Two), doing the "Single Ladies" dance. Kurt's wearing a black sparkly vest over a black unitard with black jeans. It looks like something that Johnny Weir might wear on a day he's feeling both particularly fey and moody. Which is probably every day for Johnny Weir. Britney and Tina are wearing the requisite black leotards from the video. And they are rocking it. We see that there's a video camera on a tripod recording the entire thing for posterity. I have two questions. First, was it just a happy coincidence that the woman playing Britney did this dance as Beyoncé's backup on tour? Second, what the hell did Kurt do to get goth-lite Tina into a leotard? Bribe? Blackmail? Hypnosis? Oh, wait, another question -- I know Britney is in the Glee Club with Kurt and Tina now, but would she really be hanging out with them in her free time? We see most of the dance from the vantage point of the video camera, which is recording in black and white. I cannot tell you how many times I watched this 45 seconds of show, just because it makes me feel so full of joy. But our joy is interrupted, as we see a hand turn off the stereo on which "Single Ladies" is playing. That hand belongs to Kurt's father, who's being played by Mike O'Malley, looking like he just got home from a Larry the Cable Guy show. (Kind of a redneck is where I'm going with that.) Kurt's surprised that his father is home early, but Mr. Kurt justifies his presence by noting that The Deadliest Catch is on. I guess that is the kind of thing you might come home early for. Mr. Kurt asks what the hell Kurt is wearing. Kurt tells him that it's a unitard, and then explains that guys wear them to work out because they wick sweat from the body. Mr. Kurt seems dubious, so Tina stutters out "f-f-f-ootball." Kurt jumps on that, claiming that all the football players wear them. Only in their secret fantasies, Kurt. Again, Mr. Kurt seems dubious at the idea of "jock chic." And then... get ready for it... Britney gets a line! Yes, that's right, she's not just a fabulous dancer and hitter of high fives. She also has working vocal cords. Unfortunately, she uses her line to extend Tina's lie just a little too far, claiming that Kurt is now on the football team. "He's the kicker. That's the smallest guy on the field, right?" Kurt claims that the girls were helping him with some conditioning work for his big football career. Mr. Kurt just kind of grunts, and tells them that he played JC football (which my handy Google tells me stands for "junior college") until he injured himself on his dirt bike. And then Mr. Kurt asks whether one of the two girls is Kurt's girlfriend. Kurt panics and slaps Tina on the ass, but tells his dad he's "not ready to be exclusive just yet." Since Kurt just came out to Mercedes last week, how exactly is he going to explain that ass slap and lie to Tina? Mr. Kurt tells them to keep the music down, and tells him to be sure to get him a ticket to his first game. D'oh! Credits. (I forgot to mention that we're in the basement of Kurt's house, which he has decorated like some New York loft, painted all white. If you bring Kurt a present, don't put it in a white box because he'll never be able to find it again.)

By LTG

Heavy breathing. Is Kurt hyperventilating? No, it's just Terri doing her Lamaze exercises. Will is coaching her while Kendra (Terri's sister) looks on, glass of chardonnay in hand. Will is being properly supportive, and Kendra tells him to butch it up: "Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody, and bestial. And you get poop all over your cowboy boots." Well, perhaps it was a mistake to go to that Toby Keith concert on your due date. Will and Kendra bicker, and she shows some remarkable insight as she describes him: "You have to be liked, Will. You're nice, and supportive, and you avoid conflict." Terri nods her head in acknowledgement of the truth. Kendra continues: "Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boyhowdy in five months. She doesn't need 'nice.' She needs Dolemite." You guys, I think I just fell in love with Kendra a little bit. However, I must point out that there's no way Terri is four months pregnant. She discovered the pregnancy when Will took over the Glee Club, which was sometime early in the current school year. If that was three months ago, the football season would be over (or nearly over) and it would be nearly winter. Neither of those things is true. But Kendra's so batshit insane, I can forgive her bad math. Kendra offers to teach Will how to rub the gas bubbles out of Terri's stomach. Because Dolemite did that for his hos all the time. Terri doesn't want Will to touch her stomach, claiming that she's worried he'll bruise the baby. And then she asks Will to go make her a BLT. He leaves, and Kendra asks for a BLT of her own. "But hold the tomato. And the lettuce." After Will is out of earshot, Terri starts to have a panic attack: "I can't do this." Kendra: "Oh, don't worry, you're going to have an epidural. I'm just making it sound worse than it is to make him feel guilty. And then you have him by the balls for the rest of your life." Terri asks if Kendra can promise to keep a secret, even from her husband. Kendra: "Oh my God. Is the baby black?" Wrong show, Kendra. Terri pulls up her shirt to reveal a fake baby bump. She tells Kendra about the hysterical pregnancy. "I can't tell Will, I can't. He already has one foot out the door, this pregnancy is the only reason he's still here." I'm not certain where she got that from. Perhaps singing in a boy band is a precursor to divorce? Kendra, who is so clearly the smarter of the two, wonders if Terri thinks Will is going to stick around when he discovers the lie. Terri has clearly not considered this. She decides that she needs to tell him the truth and deal with the consequences. Kendra: "Are you insane? Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it." Kendra tells Terri to stop being so emotional, and then tells her that there's only one solution to this problem: "We're gonna have to get you a baby." So, the insanity runs in the family, does it?

By LTG

Will enters the teachers' lounge at lunch time. It's full of other teachers, and the only seat available is at a table with Emma and Ken. Well, there is another seat open, but it's at a table with some dude who gives Will a really creepy smile. Also, he's drinking a carton of milk, an orange soda, and a coffee with his lunch. I kind of want to know his story. Will would rather go through the social awkwardness with Emma and Ken than sit with this potential urophile. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Emma starts to tell a story that is hinged on the fact that she's a local news junkie. She loves the local news for its horror movie qualities: "drug recalls, poison toys. Africanized bees, that was terrible." Ken shows some remarkable insight: "That's because disasters freak you out yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie. See, you like the local news because it's a way you can experience them from the safety of your condo." Emma seems a bit disturbed that Ken has figured her out so well. In any case, Emma was enjoying a story about a zoo mauling, "and you'll never guess who came on ."

Cut to the local news on WOHN, where the anchor is introducing a brand new segment called "Sue's Corner." Sue, in her red track suit, proceeds to deliver an editorial about how caning works. "And to all the naysayers out there who say 'That's illegal. You can't strike children on their bare buttocks with razor sharp bamboo sticks,' I say 'Yes. We. Cane.' And that's how Sue sees [accompanied by hand making a 'C' gesture] it."

By LTG

Back in the lounge, Will's wondering exactly why the local news would give Sue a segment. She enters at just that moment to note that it's because she's a local celebrity who's been written up twice in the sports pages of USA Today. She points to the chair right in front of her and asks Ken (sitting on the opposite side of the table) to pull it out for her, as her "hand's still sore from signing autographs down at the Donut Hole this morning." She puts down a box of leftover donut holes, and then tells them that the "overnights were through the roof." And then she feels the need to explain that she's talking about the overnight ratings, which made WOHN "western Ohio's number one local newscast." Emma: "Wow." Sue: "'Wow' is the word, Alma." Sue is slowly working through the names of all of my great aunts. She tells them that she wasn't always in the spotlight, but she was determined not to live out the rest of her days as a teacher at a crappy high school "wrestling with mental illness. Or 40, and single, coaching the worst football team in the history of our state. Or having to go to the salon every week to get my hair permed." As she says this, the camera pans to Emma, Ken, and Will. To avoid these fates worse than death, Sue sent out her resume: "And I am so happy to tell you, I am busting out of my box." The thought of Sue's box has made me a little lightheaded. You'll have to excuse me for a minute. She tells them that she'd love to stick around, "but I have a satellite interview. That's lingo again, for an interview... via satellite." And then she leaves, without ever sitting in the chair she made Ken pull out for her.

Glee Club. Will is handing out sheet music. Rachel immediately tells him that the music he's handed her is in the wrong key. He tells her it's correct, and she realizes that he's given her the alto part, which is not the lead on this song. Will affirms that fact, and announces that Tina's doing the solo. Tina looks happy and just a touch apprehensive. But Rachel doesn't let that stop her and barrels ahead, telling Mr. Schue that he must have made a mistake: "I thought I made it very clear that anything from West Side Story goes to me." It's at this moment that I think we should give caning a try. Just for self-entitlement. And maybe as punishment for failing to celebrate the fact that your fellow Glee Club member just got her first solo. Rachel is convinced that Maria is her role, in part because Natalie Wood was Jewish. Of course, Natalie Wood didn't actually sing the part of Maria. Maybe Will should just let Rachel lip-sync while Tina actually sings the song. Will says that he's just trying to get everyone out of their boxes, but Rachel thinks he's trying to punish her. Will points out that Rachel is being unfair to Tina, who might have been happy to have gotten her first solo if Rachel hadn't shat all over it. Rachel: "Tina knows how much I respect her, and I think she would agree with me that she's not ready for such an iconic role as Maria." Allow me to respond, on Tina's behalf: F-f-f-fuck you, Rachel. And then Mercedes has her own little diva moment: "Wait. I'm a Jet?" And we've been debating on the forums exactly what about being a Jet might have offended Mercedes. But inscrutability notwithstanding, that line is very funny. Rachel storms out of rehearsal. Artie: "The more times she storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has." Will congratulates Tina on getting her solo, and Mercedes gives her a big thumbs up.

By LTG

After rehearsal, Kurt approaches Finn and tells him he's got something to ask him. Finn: "Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I'm flattered. I know how important dances are to teen gays." Finn has been preparing that speech since the moment he joined Glee Club. Kurt denies being gay, and then tells Finn that he needs a favor from him.

Cut to the football field, with practice going on. The guys are... not good. At one point there's a 9-player pile-up on an obstacle course. The camera pans back and we see Finn stretching while Kurt wears his Flashdance-best sports apparel and holds a football helmet in his hands. Finn tells him to remember his advice and put his helmet on. Kurt thanks Finn for his help, and Finn tells him, "Well, I figure the more crossover between Glee and football, the easier my life's gonna be." Oh, if only he knew just how much crossover there's going to be. Kurt wanders away, and Finn asks him where he's going. Why, to get his music, of course. Finn says the music was fine for practicing (which Kurt calls "rehearsing"), but that he'll get himself killed if he uses it in front of all of the other guys. Kurt: "My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise. If I'm doing this, I'm doing it my way." Kurt walks away, and Puck approaches and asks Finn if he and Kurt are an item. He's upset that Kurt is trying to join the football team, but Finn asks how it's any different than Puck joining Acafellas. Puck: "I'm a stud, dude. I could wear a dress to school and people would think it's cool." Please test that theory. Coach Ken blows his whistle and calls the team together.

By LTG

Ken tells the assembled team that in six games, their current kicker is "zero for twelve in field goal attempts." (I put that in quotes because I take no responsibility for the validity of any sports-related references in this or any other recap.) Ken reminds them all that in statistical terms, "that SUCKS!" Ken tells them that the current kicker is demoted to water boy (which doesn't sound nearly as sexy as towel boy), and that the player who can get a football between the posts can have his job. At Finn's signal, Kurt taps Coach Ken on the shoulder and tells him, "Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker." Snickers and silent hostility meet this declaration. Kurt looks at everyone else with haughty disdain.

And now the big audition... I mean, "try-out" scene. In slow-mo, Kurt carries his boombox to the field while Finn gets into position holding the ball. And then the music starts to play and Kurt does the "Single Ladies" dance. The players all laugh to see it -- right up until the moment he sashays up to the ball and sends it flying through the goal posts. Ken runs up to him and asks, "Can you do that with the game on the line and ten gorillas bearing down on you who want nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?" Kurt: "Sounds like fun. Can I have my music?" Coach will give him anything he wants if he can keep kicking like that. Ken announces to the team that they have found a new kicker. Kurt gives them all a beauty pageant wave as he walks up to the team, while Puck looks royally pissed off.

Sue is in her office autographing glossy self-portraits when a guy from the television station enters with another stack of mail for her. He warns her that there's some hate mail mixed in, due to her editorial on littering. Sue: "Not everyone's gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. That's why I pay taxes -- it keeps the garbage men earning a living, so they can afford tacos for their families." I feel like I should write myself some hate mail just for typing that sentence. And then the TV guy tells her that her future at the station is dependent on the Cheerios remaining national champions -- he's heard that she's lost several cheerleaders to the dreaded Glee Club. If she can't win Nationals, she'll lose her TV gig.

By LTG

Hallway (enclosed against the fierce Ohio winters). Finn sees Quinn at her locker and approaches her, asking her why she's been giving him the silent treatment. He corners her by the trophy case and tells her that he's sorry for whatever he did. She's got one beautiful tear rolling down her cheek. And then she drops the bombshell: "I'm pregnant." Dun-DUN! Finn misses her couple of sentences, as the only thing he can hear is the sound of his own future collapsing. He finally recovers the power of speech and asks, "Mine?" She says it is. He's as confused as we are, because he doesn't actually have any recollection of having sex with her. She reminds him about that time they were in the hot tub last month.

Cut to the hot tub. Finn and Quinn are making out. Shouldn't there be a balloon between them? And then Finn gets the look of an early arrival on his face. Quinn notices and tells him, "Think of the mail. Think of the mail!" And he does. But it's too late. Or too early, really. (I wonder if that mailman feels a twinge in his spine every time Finn remembers that scene?) (Also, I love that the actor playing Finn's mother is getting a residual every time they use the clip of her screaming, "You killed him! What are you going to do?")

Back in the hallway, even our dim-witted Finn doesn't think the sperm could have penetrated both of their swimsuits. Quinn claims that some health or biology teacher told her the hot tub is the perfect temperature for the sperm, and just makes them swim faster. Finn's hyperventilating, and he suddenly asks Quinn if she's going to get a "...." No, she's not going to get an ellipsis. And she's not getting an abortion, either. Quinn, in tears: "I really thought I had a shot of getting out of here." She leans on Finn, and he holds her. Commercials.

We open on a display case full of dozens or hundreds of creepy looking dolls. Sandy Ryerson, in a red kimono, is telling someone that he's been collecting dolls since 1961. Oh, that someone is Sue: "Well, isn't this just lovely and normal." Sandy tells her the dolls are his everything, and then leaves to get some tea. As he walks away, we see that it's not a kimono, it's a shorty robe. If you saw it, I assume that, like me, you had to pause the recording to spend some time in a fetal position wondering why God would allow such things to exist. He asks why she's there, and she tells him she just thought she'd stop by and say hello. And then she adds, "Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floor boards." Sandy brings her some tea and tells her how much he's enjoying having some "Sandy time," what with his Friday bridge game and his Saturdays volunteering at the cat rescue. Sue suggests that they cut the crap, and he breaks down into wracking sobs and tells her, "I'm living in a cocoon of horror." Ah, but out of that cocoon will emerge a butterfly of disgust. Or maybe a moth of discontent. You can never tell with those horror cocoons. Sue tells Sandy that she understands that he needs to be back in the spotlight. She wants to offer him "the school's arts administrator position." He'll be in charge of all of the school's arts, music, and drama programs, including Glee Club (which she says only with a snarl of contempt in her voice). Sandy tells her that Figgins will never allow it. Sue tells him not to worry about Figgins.

By LTG

Swipe to Figgins: "I'm never letting Sandy Ryerson back in this school." Except possibly to hang out and eat cake in the teachers lounge or sing for the PTA. And then Sue shows him a video on her laptop. It's a Mumbai Air instructional video about how to avoid vascular embolisms (a.k.a., deep-vein thrombosis) on intercontinental flights. And it stars Figgins, sitting on a park bench and demonstrating creepy stretching exercises. And sexily pulling an anti-embolism stocking up to his knee. I'm speechless. And so is Figgins, who wordlessly collapses in the face of Sue's blackmail threat to circulate the video around the school.

Back in Sandy's apartment, Sue tells him the first order of business is Glee Club (again said with the snarl of contempt). Sandy comes to sit to her on the couch in his shorty robe. Thankfully, he's a properly raised young lady who knows how to sit in a skirt, so we avoid getting the full monty. Sandy agrees that Will is destroying the Glee Club, and he and Sue both realize that Rachel is the lynchpin holding Glee Club together. Sandy wonders how to steal Rachel away from Glee. Sue has four words for him: "Liza. Minnelli. Celine. Dion." Cut to Rachel seeing a flyer on the bulletin board that reads "Be a LEAD in our High School Musical! Audition for CABARET! Must audition with Celine Dion song of your choice." That is perfect bait for a proto-diva with questionable taste. Rachel signs up, sticking one of her signature stars to her name. And the star flames out to a shot of Rachel singing "Taking Chances" at her audition. She's good (as always), but it's a crap Celine Dion song, so I'm glad we only get a little bit of it. At the end of the song, Sandy tells Rachel, "Congratulations, Miss Sally Bowles. You have just landed the lead."

By LTG

In the ballet studio, Rachel tells Will that she's not quitting Glee, she's "just looking for a reason to stay." Will recognizes this as a demand for the solo he gave to Tina. Rachel tells him that everybody else in Glee is getting something out of it. "You're doing a great job of getting them out of their shells." I don't think Mercedes was ever in no shell. What Rachel's not getting out of Glee is an end to the cruel tormenting (in this case, getting her lipstick flushed down the toilet) or the obtaining of a boyfriend. "Tina's great, but why do you have to hurt me to make her feel good." Will asks her to please just come to rehearsal. She gives a little nod before she walks out of the room. Even in ballet gear, she's got a butcher walk than Sandy. Commercials.

Auditorium. Unnamed accompanist plays. Tina is poised halfway up a ladder while Will looks on. And then she sings "Tonight" from West Side Story. And Jenna Ushkowitz accomplishes the unbelievably difficult task of making her amazing professional voice sound like the voice of a talented but untrained high school student. She's good, but not great, and she definitely goes sharp on the last note. Will tells her she did great, and she tells him not to lie because she knows she was sharp. She claims she can't do it. Will: "Hey, look at me. Have you noticed the more confident you are, the less you stutter?" Gee, thanks ABC After School Special... I mean, "Will." I'm sure one pep talk from you will do what years of speech therapy have not been able to accomplish. Will tells her he needs to sing this song so she'll be great at Regionals. She tells him to give the song to Rachel -- she doesn't want her to quit, and Tina's willing to take one for the team. Tina leaves Will alone on the stage. As he's starting to gather his things, Finn walks up. He's clutching his arms to his chest and he looks choked up. Will greets him and then notices that something's wrong. Finn collapses into sobs, and Will grabs him in a hug. Really nice work by Cory Monteith.

For some reason, Will has taken Finn to eat at some kind of buffet or salad bar restaurant. Finn has clearly already told Will about Quinn's pregnancy, because he's asking how far along she is. He also asks Finn if he needs him to help make an appointment at Planned Parenthood. Finn says that's not even an option for Quinn. And then he tells Will that he's seen the guys around town who had kids in high school, and they all have dead-end jobs and crap lives. And Finn is determined that this won't happen to him, which means he has to go to college. But his family can't afford it, which means he needs to get some kind of scholarship. And since it clearly won't be academic, he needs to be able to get a football scholarship. Which means the team has to stop being the worst team in the history of the state. Will's a little confused -- is Finn asking him to coach the football team? Finn reminds him of the excellent dance instruction Will gave to Finn and Puck in the last episode. After watching Kurt kick some field goals, he realized that what the team needs to win is to loosen up the way Will got Puck and him to loosen up. Finn proudly announces that he checked out actual books from the library ("Did you know you could just borrow books from there? All of them. Except for the encyclopedias"). Anyway, the books he checked out were about great football players who were also dancers and performers. Finn wants Will to teach the football team how to dance because it will make them better players. Finn thinks that if Will helps the team win one game, he might be able to get some players to join Glee.

By LTG

Will and Terri brush their teeth over the bathroom sink. He's told her about Quinn, because she's also asking how far along she is. Will talks about how Quinn is so ashamed, she feels like she can't tell anyone. "Can you imagine? Having to hide something like that. All that effort. Covering that up." Terri asks what the pregnant girl's name is. Did her eyes just start spinning in her head? Commercials.

The football team is gathered in the locker room. Puck slams his locker, angry at the proposal (clearly made during the commercial break) that Will teach the players how to dance. Puck cannot understand what Beyoncé has to do with football. Finn points out that Beyoncé seems to be crucial to Kurt's success as a kicker. Puck: "So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?" Oh, Lance Bass just wishes he was as fabulous as Kurt. Will tells them that athletes are performers, naming Jim Brown and Dick Butkes as examples. Finn helpfully adds O.J. to the list. Will says that the dancing will help improve their attitude. Puck: "Oh, I get it. We have to think more like Amazonian black women." Puck, honey, I love you -- but most of the black women in my neighborhood could kick your ass. Don't you sass them. Puck appeals to Coach Ken, but Ken tells them that he's in favor of the dancing: "We gave up our pride when we lost to that school for the deaf." Hey, a school for the deaf invented your precious football huddle, Ken. Don't underestimate their athletic prowess. Kurt, standing on the sidelines, quotes Sun Tzu in arguing that the occasional surprise dance might be their best weapon. Coach orders them to suit up and hit the choir room.

By LTG

Choir room. Kurt watches as Will instructs the players on some dance moves. It's all "step ball change" until Kurt steps in with some instruction the guys can understand. As he demonstrates, their follow his instructions: "Hand. Hand. Point to the finger. Hip. Head. Oh, sneak attack back to the ring. Comb through the hair. Slap. The. Butt." Coach blows his whistle and sends the team to the showers. Kurt suggests they close with a show circle.

There is no show circle. Instead, Finn shambles out of the choir room with Puck right behind him. Puck wants to know what's going on with Finn, and gets upset when Finn puts him off by claiming he just has a lot on his mind. After Puck accuses Finn of being in love with Kurt, Finn tells Puck that Quinn is pregnant. Finn walks away, and Puck gets a stricken look on his face as some mournful music starts to play.

The mournful music continues as we see Quinn walk down a now-crowded hallway (which makes me think it's the day). Suddenly, Puck is standing in front of her: "'Sup, MILF?" That's cold. And hilarious. She tells him to leave her alone, but he follows her and asks who the father is. "I would think it's kind of weird if it's Finn, since you told me you were a virgin when we did it. And I know for a fact that you didn't do it with him." Quinn wonders how he has such certainty, and he tells her it's because Finn is his "boy," and therefore tells him everything. Quinn: "You make a habit of sleeping with your boy's girlfriends?" Puck makes a very loud (and not funny) joke about another immaculate conception, and Quinn pulls him into a corner. More discreetly, he tells her that he would take care of the baby and her, since he's determined not to be a deadbeat like his own father. She reminds him that he was fired from his job for "peeing in the fast food fryolater." I'm never eating french fries again. He reminds her about his pool-cleaning business. And she reminds him that they live in snowy Ohio, where there aren't many pools and they only need to be cleaned three or four months of the year. Quinn: "I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day. That was a mistake. You're a Lima loser and you're always gonna be a Lima loser." She runs off.

By LTG

And she runs straight to her car, in the pouring rain. She gets in the car and starts sobbing. And then a voice asks, "How many weeks are you?" It's Terri! In the car! GAAAAH! Quinn does not have a heart attack. Instead she stares at Terri as she asks if she's told her parents: "I assume you haven't told your parents yet. I mean, how could you, after Daddy bought you this car so you could drive him to the Chastity Ball. You can't raise this baby, Quinn." Quinn finally recovers enough to ask who the hell this woman is. Terri describes herself as someone who wants to snatch the fetus right out of her uterus. Or, I mean, "somebody who wants to help." Quinn denies needing any help, and Terri asks her what kind of pre-natal vitamins she's taking. Based on Quinn's non-answer, Terri knows that she's not taking any. She hands Quinn a bottle and tells her, "Three times a day. Or your baby will be ugly." Quinn: "I don't understand. What do you want?" And we leave the scene before Terri answers. Okay, so you know how after the pilot, everyone realized that Rachel is just another Tracy Flick? I think that fact caused us to miss that Terri is Suzanne Stone (of To Die For). (Props to forum poster JessieQ for first making this connection.) Like Suzanne Stone, Terri is completely, dangerously, fabulously insane. If you see her, run -- do not walk -- to the nearest exit. Contact the authorities immediately. And whatever you do, don't look her in the eyes! Commercials.

Football game. The fans do the wave, the Cheerios cheer, and Emma wipes down the bench to her with a sanitary wipe. Will approaches and asks if he can sit with her. The national anthem plays, and in the locker room, Ken opens a case containing nine different whistles. He passes his hand over the case until one of the whistles speaks to him. On the field, Finn tries to give the guys a pep talk about how they came together that week. Not like that, you pervs! The guys don't seem to be buying it -- they all tell him there's no way they're dancing during the game. (And Puck describes them all as "a gay team. A big gay team of dancing gays." Methinks the mohawked lady doth protest too much.) Kurt gives Finn a pleading look, asking him not to throw away the lessons of the dance. Also, Finn is about three feet taller than anyone else on the team.

By LTG

And then it's the game. Our guys are doing horribly. At one point, an opposing player calls out to Finn, "Hey, QB, your mama's so fat the back of her neck looks like a package of hot dogs. Get me some ketchup!" Before you know it, it's the third quarter and the visitors are up, 6-0. Kurt sees his father arrive in the bleachers and starts waving to him, very excited to be able to back up the earlier lie that he's the kicker. Kurt does these great chorus line high kicks as he's warming up. Our boys continue to suck, although they hold the other team to six points. Soon, it's the fourth quarter with about ten seconds remaining. Finn calls a play, and the team lines up. Things slow down, and as the clock counts down to one second left, Finn seems to have a little vision quest picturing the faces of everyone who wants him to win and be his best (including Kurt, Will, Quinn, and Coach Ken). He calls a time out, and pulls Puck over to him to tell him that they have to try the dance. Puck is convinced that they'll be jokes. Finn: "We're already jokes. I don't want to be a Lima loser the rest of my life." The trash-talking visitor calls out Puck: "Yo, left tackle -- your mama's so fat her cereal bowl comes with its own lifeguard. Like Baywatch!" Puck, evil as he can be, has the best response: "Hey, ankle-grabber, I had sex with your mother. No, seriously, I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets." And then he tells Finn that he thinks they should go for it. So Finn calls the team into a huddle and tells them the play will be "ring on it, on three." They line up, and before he calls "hike," he signals to the AV crew, who start playing "Single Ladies" over the PA. And the team starts to dance. There's a great shot of Quinn just laughing with some girlish joy. Honorable mention must go to players 34 and 22, who are clearly the divas of the group -- they work it hard. The other team is confused, and at one point the QB has to stop a visiting player from joining in on the dancing. And they finish the dance at the line and Finn calls "hike." And then he makes a long pass to Puck, who scores the TD for six points. Yay! Of course, Will and Emma grab each other in celebration before they realize how stupid they're being and each quickly look away. But now it's time for the attempt for the extra point. Ken approaches Kurt and tells him, "You're up kid. You make this, and we win. You make this, and you die a legend." But not anytime soon, I hope. Kurt: "Can I pee first?" Nope -- he has to go straight to the field. As he gets into position, his father mutters to himself, "Gah, he's so little." And it's full of incredible tenderness. Kurt signals for his music, and after the ball is hiked, he dances up to it and makes his kick for the game-winning point. The crowd goes wild, and the team carries Kurt off the field on their shoulders. Finn gets a congratulatory kiss from Quinn, and Puck looks sad. Commercials.

By LTG

Kurt's dad walks into the basement/loft, where he finds Kurt applying some treatment to his face. So I'm guessing this is his bedroom. Kurt: "Nighttime skin care is a big part of my post-game ritual." Mr. Kurt: "I don't know what to say about that." But he does know that he's proud of Kurt. And he wishes Kurt's mom was alive to see him. Mr. Kurt starts to walk away, and Kurt calls him back because there's something he wants to say to him: "I'm glad that you're proud of me, but I don't want to lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football has really showed me that I can be anything. And what I am is... I'm gay." Really amazing work from Chris Colfer. He nails the trepidation and fear, and the tears just about to break through, and the terror and hope as he waits for a response. I think a lot of us who came out to our parents as teenagers know exactly what this moment feels like, and this scene gets it exactly right. And then Kurt's dad gets it exactly right as he tells Kurt that he's known Kurt was gay since Kurt was three, when all he wanted for his birthday was a pair of sensible heels. Teenage Kurt would want a pair of completely non-sensible heels. He continues, "I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but if that's who you are, nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much." He puts a reassuring hand on Kurt's shoulder, and Kurt pulls him into a hug. And then Mr. Kurt thanks Kurt for telling him, which was a great touch. But as he leaves, he turns back once to see if Kurt is really sure about the whole gay thing. He is indeed.

Corridor. Quinn is at her locker when Finn approaches holding a ratty piece of fabric in his hand. It's the baby blanket his father got him the day he was born, and it's the only memory he has of his father. He promises to do everything he can to be a good father. Puck approaches and tells them that, oddly enough, he's been feeling sick every morning. Quinn tells him it must be a virus -- a virus of jealous spite, I'd say. He then picks on Quinn for her (not at all visible) weight gain. Finn tells him to back off, and he apologizes, acknowledging that he was out of line.

By LTG

Time for Sue's Corner. There's some other action that takes place during breaks in this speech, but it deserves to be transcribed in full. "You know, there's a question I get asked a lot. Whether I'm accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen's arrest, people ask me, 'Sue, what's your secret?' Well, I'll tell you my secret, western Ohio. Sue Sylvester's not afraid to shake things up. You know, I'm tired of hearing people complain, 'I'm riddled with this disease,' or 'I was in that tsunami.' To them I say, shake it up a bit, get out of your box -- even if that box happens to be where you're living. I'll often yell at homeless people, 'Hey, how's that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try, huh?' You know something, Ohio? It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place. But let me tell you something. There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and someday, they will." I have absolutely nothing to add.

During Sue's commentary, we see the following: Will welcomes three football players (including Puck, who's full name is Noah Puckerman) to the Glee Club. He tells the club that they're going to rehearse "Tonight." And then he wipes the self-satisfied smile off of Rachel's face as he doesn't take the lead away from Tina. Rachel in turn approaches Sandy and tells him that she's quit Glee Club so she can work on the musical full time. Kurt moisturizes. Will watches Sue's commentary from his bed. And Quinn looks sad and thoughtful leaning against her locker.

week: Cheno! Cheno! CHENO!

LTG is a full-time pension lawyer and part-time enemy of magic. You can write to him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.

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