By Demian
The camera fades up to find our dear little Brit-Brit lost in "thought" in front of her locker. Incidentally, Brit-Brit's locker still features her "Don't Stop Believing In Brittany" cover from American Cheerleader, which makes me wonder whatever happened to her Trendiest Girl In America subplot from last February, which is incredibly stupid of me for what should be painfully obvious reasons at this point in this show's scatterbrained run, and look at that! Some fresh-faced Oirish lad I've never seen before in my life has magically appeared at Brit-Brit's side to greet her with a chipper and heavily accented, "Top o' the mornin'!" This walking stereotype -- he's even got a green bowler yanked down around his ears, for Christ's sweet sake -- is apparently someone named Damian McGinty, an actual teenager who was one of at least four so-called "winners" on a basic-cable reality competition I did not watch, and according to various sources (i.e., his Wikipedia entry, because I'm really not that interested in reading much more about him), he's going to be around for at least seven episodes this season. So, you know: Get used to staring at his stereotypically weak jaw, kids, 'cause he's not going anywhere soon.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes: Dear little Brit-Brit asks the fey -- in many senses of the word -- nerdling how his first day at school went. As if in answer to that question, some random ponytailed jock stops by long enough to flick that ridiculous bowler off the kid's head in a manner most menacing before disappearing down the hall. "Wait," Brit-Brit gasps, "other people can see you?" The wisp of a lad remains silent, so Brit-Brit guesses, "But only because you let them?" "That's right!" beams the scrawn, much to Brit-Brit's giggly delight. Meanwhile, on the other side of the hallway, Frankenteen frowns to himself, for he's been openly eavesdropping on their entire conversation thus far, mainly because he's got nothing else to do this episode. Ooops! Spoiler! In any event, Brit-Brit announces that she's been thinking quite carefully about things, and she's finally settled upon her first wish: "Your magical race? They make my favorite [Product-Placed Breakfast Cereal]. I really wish you would make me a box of [Product-Placed Breakfast Cereal] with all marshmallows." Speaking of marshmallows, Heather Morris sounds like she's got a mouthful of them in this scene -- I had to listen to that one line five goddamned times before I was able to decipher it -- and the esteemed Mr. McGinty's not doing much better, to be honest with you. Between his over-exaggerated accent and her marble-mouthed mumbling, I'll be very surprised if I hear a single word of theirs correctly this entire evening.
By Demian
But I suppose I should finish with the esteemed Mr. McGinty's introduction to the audience before I start screaming at the little twerp to fucking enunciate already, shouldn't I? In response to Brit-Brit's wish, the pasty whelp brogues, "Yerr'n look!" "[Product-Placed Breakfast Cereal's Cartoon Mascot] happens to be my cousin," he continues, as best as I can interpret it all, "and he lives two toadstools down!" "Thank you!" Brit-Brit sighs, pecking him gratefully on the cheek before adding, "Though I don't understand most of what you just said," which is rich, coming from her tonight. She floats off down the hall, and as Finn continues to stare blatantly at the wimp she's left behind, a trio of hockey-haired, letter-jacketed lunkheads strides past to slam Brit-Brit's personal cartoon cereal mascot up against the lockers. "Go back to Mexico!" one of them sneers, and with that, we slam into this evening's title card.
McKinley Teachers' Lounge. Quinn and Puck slither in to chat with Idina Menzel, and oh, my God! Why the hell do I keep getting saddled with this enormously boring storyline this season? Damn you, LTG! Long story short, Quinn and Puck convince Idina Menzel to let them look after Dismal Drizzle while Idina takes a much-needed night off, or something, and then we cut over to...
..."Sue's Corner," where the lady of the corner kicks things off by announcing, "I've got a bee in my bonnet, and that bee's name is government waste!" "Earlier today," she continues, "I saw a state employee in the person of one Verna The Lunch Lady throw away three hundred pounds of precious, expired turkey gravy simply because Uncle Sam said there were too many weevils in it." "Well, you know what has no expiration date, voters?" she asks of her audience. "My rage!" Sue slaps her hand down on the table and hoists a manila envelope ominously labeled "TOP SECRET" into the air. "I have," she reveals, "the budget for the McKinley High production of West Side Story -- a musical about a race war that glorifies gang violence, yet still seems extraordinarily gay." Point to Sue. With great pleasure, Sue rips open the envelope to display the heretofore confidential information contained therein: McKinley is spending $2004 on the student production -- or, as Sue notes with acid disdain, the equivalent of "a year's salary for a public-school math teacher" -- an amount "wasted on fake switchblades and the soft packing of teen dance belts." "If this nation wants to impress its future Chinese overlords," she concludes, "we need to get our priorities straight, and that's why I encourage every Ohioan to call McKinley High School and sing 'em this song: I'm fed up and angry, too, and I agree with Candidate Sue!"
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By Demian
Smash to a shot of The Maharishi's overwhelmed secretary the following morning as she struggles to keep her head above the flood of surly phone calls now swamping the school's switchboard. Meanwhile, out in the hall, a volcanically irate Epiphany Johnson holds a sparkly slab of posterboard that reads, simply, "ANGRY." Deep within The Lair Of The Maharishi, Will's of course screaming that they "can't just cut the musical" when "Sue's pom-pom budget is four thousand dollars a month," but Figgins will not be swayed, especially because he was assaulted that very morning in the parking lot.
Smear to that very morning in the parking lot, where Epiphany Johnson stomps up to Figgins's car and howls, "My son can't read, and you want him to sing and dance?!" right before she hurls a brick through his windshield, and wow. That's one hell of an arm she's got.
Smear back to the present, where Sue all-too-patiently explains, "We're in a recession, William, that's about to double-dip into a piping-hot Crock-Pot of voter fury, and if this school doesn't learn some priorities? Well, come November, the voters will gladly teach you some." And as there's absolutely nothing funny about that line at all, I'll just continue on to note that Will quite naturally gets one of his brilliant ideas, this particular one involving a plan to raise the funding for the musical himself. "Good luck with that," Sue sneers as she rises to leave. "The arts are going down," she states with nary a hint of a filthy double entendre in her tone. "Today, the musical," she promises, "tomorrow, the Glee Club. week? NPR and opera and brunch and Tom Bergeron." Oh, Sue. Can that last entry on your list take this piece-of-shit show with him? Please? PLEASE?
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By Demian
Cut to the interior of Santana Lopez's locker, which has been papered with an absolutely adorable cat cartoon hand-drawn by Brit-Brit herself. "Lord Tubbington thinks you are Purrrrfect," reads the caption, "and so do I." Aw. Though who the hell knew Brittany could spell? In any event, Santana Lopez stuffs a pom-pom in amongst her books as Mercedes approaches to leadingly inquire, "How many solos did you get in Glee Club last year?" "A few," Santana nonchalantly shrugs. "One," Mercedes correctly corrects. "I was also the lips in Rocky Horror," Santana protests, and while that's true, darling, it's also certainly nothing to brag about given the unmitigated crapfest that particular episode ended up being. But I'm spinning off on a tangent, here, instead of paying proper attention to Mercedes, who's simply using this enumeration of Santana's greatest hits as a means to convince everybody's favorite cheerleader of all time to bail on New Directions once and for all and join her in Idina's competing choir. "We'd get all the solos and the duets," Mercedes argues before adding, "Plus, it's an all-girl group." "Why would I care about all-girl?" Santana suspiciously side-eyes, but Mercedes didn't mean it that way at all. Or so she claims. No, it's all about creating a womyn-safe space within the perniciously patriarchal confines of McKinley High, or something like that, but that's not important right now because what is important right now is the fact that Frankenteen's begun to lurch along behind Santana and Mercedes as they companionably amble down the hall, the better to listen in on their private conversation like the oppressively sexist gender-normative pig that he is. Shame! Shaaaaaame!
Cut to the music room, where Single-T Tina's weeping. Again. "Y'know what, Girl Chang?" Santana interjects. "If you cry every time someone gets a hangnail, it kinda starts to lose its effect." Point to Santana. Single-T Tina tearily protests that the loss of Mercedes is not just a hangnail, thank you very much, but rather a blow from which New Directions might never recover, and generalized babbling ensues involving Puck, Mr. Schue, Quinn, Gaylord Weiner, and Artie until Rachel bubbles in from the hall to apologize for her tardiness -- she'd been hanging posters in support of her student-council campaign I'd completely forgotten about, don't you know -- and generalized babbling ensues involving a stricken and long-suffering St. Gay Of Lima, mainly, until Frankenteen lumbers to his feet to announce the cancellation of the musical. Rachel is outraged. Of course. Dreamboat Blaine takes the floor to offer a few words of wisdom that nobody wants to hear, especially Finn, and then we finally -- finally -- get to the point of this scene: Mr. Schue declares they will raise the funding for West Side Story themselves, by selling ads in the program. St. Gay finds this "a brilliant idea," and volunteers himself "to spearhead the charge," and then he mumbles his way through a line I will not be rewinding to decipher, and oh, my holy God. St. Gay's sporting a hippo-head brooch on the lapel of his Brian Fellows safari jacket, and I just can't even begin with that, so let's watch as the children break up into groups to determine who will canvass which parts of the city, and then it's over.
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By Demian
A little while later, Frankenteen blunders into some random classroom somewhere to find Brittany's personal cartoon cereal mascot painstakingly separating out the marshmallows from a box of that delicious product-placed breakfast cereal they mentioned earlier in the episode, and as The Leprechaun's line delivery is no more decipherable now than it was at the top of the hour, I'll be zipping through the seemingly endless scene that follows to pull out the important bits. Well, I'll try to, at any rate. For example, I would swear to you upon the lives of all I hold precious and dear that The Leprechaun introduces himself to Finn as "Roy Flanagan," and I would apparently be wrong, because Damian McGinty cannot fucking enunciate. So, you know, grain of salt for all that follows and whatnot.
Long story short, The Leprechaun's a foreign exchange student who's been assigned to the humble Pierce homestead for the duration, and because he is strenuously heterosexual, he has made it his life's mission to get into his host family's daughter's pants. Given dear little Brit-Brit's easygoing nature, I'm surprised The Leprechaun hasn't already been in and out of her pants several times, but if that were the case, The Leprechaun wouldn't have a storyline to speak of this evening, so I guess we're just gonna have to go with it. In any event, she's promised him access to her titular Pot O' Gold should he succeed in granting her three wishes, so that's why he's so assiduously sorting marshmallows at the moment. The Leprechaun also admits he's lonely, and asks Frankenteen to be his friend. Finn thinks real hard about that one for a second, then decides to agree, as long as The Leprechaun himself agrees to spy on Brit-Brit for him. It's all got something to do with Brit-Brit's possible defection into the warm embrace of Idina Menzel's nurturing lady-choir, of course, but that doesn't matter because Finn is a shit for asking this dweeb to spy on Brit-Brit, and this dweeb is an even bigger shit for going along with the plan. Not that I particularly care, of course. Just pointing that out.
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By Demian
We return from this evening's first commercial break to find Idina Menzel preparing to leave Dismal Drizzle in the care of Quinn and Puck, and hang on -- lemme check -- nope, still not giving a shit about this plotline at all. I will note, however, that Quinn's looking especially fetching in that strapless mixed-floral pink-striped Betsey Johnson day dress she's sporting that had to have set her back at least $350 at Lord & Taylor. Bet she got the last one in stock, too. Bitch. Anywho, Idina leaves, and Quinn immediately starts planting incriminating evidence about the apartment, because Quinn's decided to sic Child Services on poor Idina's ass, and I'd wonder how in the hell that's supposed to help her regain custody of Dismal Drizzle, but as I believe I mentioned above, I do not care about this subplot at all.
And when all that's over and done with -- only for now, though, I fear -- we hop on over to Hummel Tires & Lube, where St. Gay Of Lima's just now arriving to hit his father up for a donation to The West Side Story Preservation Fund. Burt is outraged to learn that the woebegone children of New Directions must raise the money for the production themselves, and he hauls us all over to...
...The Lair Of The Maharishi to make sure Principal Figgins knows of his outrage as well. He's dragged along Lima's three funeral directors for the ride -- just go with it -- and as Will looks on, he presents Figgins with a check for the full cost of the musical, with the cash involved provided entirely by Lima's triumvirate of morticians, the last of whom admits, "I'm a big fan of the show just because there are so many deaths in it." Shudder.
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By Demian
And with all that taken care of, Will and Burt emerge from The Lair to confront a patiently waiting Sue, who greets them like so: "Why, if it isn't Porcelain's dad, who may or may not have a baboon heart! I thought I smelled blue collar!" Burt magnanimously lets that one slide, and informs Sue his project will involve raising enough funds to ensure she never gets elected to anything, ever. "Hold up, there, Cheese Grits," Sue replies. "You mess with me, I will Temple Of Doom my fist through your chest and pull out your still-pumping artificial heart, which I will then hook up to my car to power us down to the lumberjack convention for some deep discounts on the Midwest's largest selection of ill-fitting flannels." So, you know. She's not pleased. Burt's all, "Bring it!" and Sue's all, "I am literally horny with fear!" and Matthew Morrison wonders how in hell he managed to get relegated to the background on a show he's supposed to be starring in, and then Sue disappears towards her office while Burt and Will vanish around an opposite corner, the better to allow the camera to focus in on...
...The Leprechaun, who gets his cell phone slapped out of his hand by some anonymous jock, and really: He shouldn't have been making private calls during school hours in the first place. He spots Brit-Brit lingering at her locker, so he fixes a broad smile on his face and heads on over to present her with her marshmallow-only box of that delicious product-placed breakfast cereal they mentioned earlier in the episode. She enthusiastically gifts him with a hug to celebrate his success in granting her first wish, then links arms with him to stroll down the hall towards their class, filling him in on the details of her second wish as they go. "Every night," she confides, "I feed Lord Tubbington nougat and sprinkles, and then I rub his belly seven times with glitter sticks, but so far, nothing works." "You do that because...?" The Leprechaun prompts. "I want Lord Tubbington to poop candy bars!" Brit-Brit grins. "What?" she wonders when The Leprechaun remains silent. "Does everybody wish for that, or something?" The Leprechaun lightly rolls his eyes at this, then invites her out for dinner that evening. Unfortunately, Brittany already has plans, and she pecks him on the cheek before leaving him alone to...
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By Demian
...get slammed into a wall by another hockey-haired, letter-jacketed lunkhead, after which he launches himself into his little fantasy version of "Bein' Green" from Sesame Street, and we follow him through the rest of the day, watching as he's shoved aside in the lunch line and ignored in the gym until he ends up gazing wistfully from afar as Brit-Brit scarfs down entire handfuls of marshmallows during study hall, and it's gentle and winsome and boring as hell. !
That evening finds Brittany and Santana sitting across from each other at BreadstiX, and after a few preliminaries, Santana wonders aloud if they're dating, or what. "Wait," Brit-Brit replies, confused. "Isn't this a date? Aren't you paying, 'cause I ordered shrimp! Wasn't last week when we were taking a bath together -- wasn't that a date?" Santana gets a little emotional, and she takes a moment before admitting she's never been happier in her life. Then, things get complicated: Brit-Brit somehow makes it clear that she believes her foreign exchange student is an actual, honest-to-God leprechaun, and asks if there's something Santana might want to wish for. Santana admits she's seriously considering jumping the New Directions ship in favor of the warm embrace of Idina Menzel's nurturing lady-choir, and expresses a desire for Brittany to join her. Brit-Brit, bless her, frets that quitting the Glee Club will reflect poorly on her presidential campaign's pledge of "continuity," whatever the hell that means, and asks if she might have a day or so to think it over. Santana readily agrees, and the two coyly hold each other's hand beneath a napkin until we get shunted over into this evening's commercial break.
And when we return, we find a shirtless Puck making his pool-cleaning rounds while his voiceover extols the virtues of global warming. "All those melting ice caps," his voiceover enthuses, "keep my business open from March through Thanksgiving!" In fact, business has been so good as of late that he's hired a wee assistant named Pony whose sole job involves skimming the bottoms of the pools for stray change and dead raccoons, the latter of which Pony gets to keep as a bonus for being so helpful. Puck's bonus, of course, remains the long-legged, leathery-skinned cougars who hire him to take advantage of his numerous special talents, several of which are on display at this very moment. Unfortunately, he's taken to pushing pictures of Dismal Drizzle upon them at the most inopportune of moments, so most end up requesting wee Pony's services, instead, as the randy and well-heeled "Mrs. Figler" does right now. Puck doesn't seem to mind, though, because he's livin' large and dreamin' big. As he points out at voiceover's end, however, "The problem with dreams is, there's always some naysayer ready to crap all over them."
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By Demian
Cue the naysayer, ready to crap all over Puck's dreams. It's Quinn, of course, and the scene's shifted back over to yet another random McKinley classroom for the boring that follows, and long story short, even The Plaintive Piano Of Plinking Privation cannot make me give a shit about Quinn's overarching storyline this season. She's already called Child Services on hapless Idina's ass, but they're backed up, so Dismal Drizzle's safe with her adoptive mother for another two weeks, at least. Puck feels incredibly guilty about it all, a remorse that only increases in intensity during the...
...very scene, in which Idina Menzel merrily announces that she's secured her condo's year-round pool-cleaning contract for him. D'OH!
Music Room. Mr. Schue confirms what we already know about the musical's funding, and to celebrate, Dreamboat Blaine hops to his feet to treat them all to his version of this random piece of tuneless crap I completely didn't recognize when the episode first aired. I still wouldn't recognize the damn thing now, but I did sit through the video linked above, and it might interest you to know that both Artie and Dreamboat Blaine have prominent roles in the thing. And...that's all I really have to say about this, I think. Well, aside from the fact that Santana Lopez apparently shares my disgust with Dreamboat Blaine's song selection -- she alone among the children refuses to jump up and dance at the expected moment -- and when it's over, she rises regally from her place in the cheap seats to excoriate Mr. Schue for turning New Directions into The Rachel 'N' Blaine Happy-Happy Fun-Show, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because isn't Santana supposed to be playing Anita in West Side Story, with at least two huge numbers in week's episode? Whatever. It's all just some shabby bit of pretext to drive her into the warm embrace of Idina Menzel's nurturing lady-choir, I suppose, and where the hell was I? Oh, yeah: Santana Lopez flounces out of the music room, her sassy little carwash skirt all a-swish as she powers her way over to...
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By Demian
...The Leprechaun's locker, and fuck me. It looks like he's got "A Blessing From St. Patrick" tacked up on the door. I'm starting to hate him. In any event, Santana slams shut the locker and opens with, "Do not even think about talking for the thirty seconds, ok? Nod so I know you understand me." The flummoxed Leprechaun obediently nods his head. "Good," Santana allows, before lighting into him like so: "Here's the deal, Pixie Boy: You've got a crush on my girl, Brittany. I understand -- she's beautiful, she's innocent, she's everything that's good in this miserable, stinking world -- do you agree? Nod." The Leprechaun complies. "Good!" Santana repeats, going on to add, "Also, she thinks you're a spritely green mythological creature, but I know you're a potato-eating poser, but since Brittany likes having a pet Irish, I'm not gonna explode you." The Leprechaun remains dumbstruck, so Santana lays it on the line for him. "Leprechaun," she reveals, "is my favorite movie, and it learned me two things: One, leprechauns like fixing shoe buckles because they're gay, and two, they grant wishes, so you're gonna grant me a wish!" She smiles at him, leaving it at that for now, and vanishes down the hall while The Amazing Chinless Leprechaun blinks his dimwitted way into the commercial break.
Brittany's Boudoir. The Leprechaun enters, places two unwrapped Three Musketeers bars in Lord Tubbington's litter box, and proceeds to act all innocent when the lady of the boudoir surprises him with her unexpected return. "Look!" he smiles, directing her attention downwards, and Brit-Brit's delighted to learn her second wish has come true. She then plucks a Three Musketeers bar out of the litter box and eats it. Let me put that another way, just to make my disgust clear: Brittany picks up a lumpy brown log she clearly believes to be cat shit and puts it in her mouth. It's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen on this show, and I'm including Will's morning wood in that statement. Ew!
ANY-way, Brit-Brit and The Leprechaun settle down atop her duet for a chat, and The Leprechaun lets Brit-Brit know that Santana has found out his secret. DUN! Even worse, Santana had but one wish, and as every leprechaun knows, people who wish for only one thing must have their wishes come true. Just go with it, because Brittany sure the hell is. Of course, Santana's sole wish is for Brit-Brit to relinquish New Directions in favor of the warm embrace of Idina Menzel's nurturing lady-choir so they might be together, now and for always. "Why couldn't she have just wished for Lord Tubbington to quit smoking?" Brittany sighs. Unfortunately, Santana apparently cares not about Lord Tubbington's lungs, so Brit-Brit has little choice but to quit the Glee Club.
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By Demian
Meanwhile, over at Hummel Tires & Lube, Will wanders in from elsewhere for a chat with St. Gay Of Lima's father, and for once, the topic of conversation is not the ever-troubled St. Gay himself. Nope, this time around, Will's dropped by to convince Burt to run against Sue in the impending primary, and the good news is, Burt's already several steps ahead of him on that one. You see, he's already had Denim Carole look into things, and while it's far too late for him to secure a place on the ballot, there's nothing stopping him from running as a write-in candidate. "Some chick in Alaska won doin' it last year," Burt points out, "and her name was way harder to spell than 'Hummel.'" Will's delighted, and immediately volunteers his dubious services as Burt's campaign manager. Alas, St. Gay has already claimed that title for himself, don't you know, so Will must settle for a supervisory position elsewhere within the organization. And with St. Gay and Will running things, Burt's sure to win, right? Right?
Sometimes I crack myself up.
Idina Menzel's apartment. Puck arrives just as Idina's putting Dismal Drizzle down for a nap, so of course Dismal Drizzle starts screaming, which in this instance is actually a good thing, because it gives Puck the cover he needs to surreptitiously ransack Idina's apartment for the crap nefarious Quinn so deviously planted all those many scezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Whoops! Sorry. Still not caring. And once he's done with the ransacking, Puck grabs Idina's guitar to serenade the squalling infant with Foreigner's "Waiting For A Girl Like You," and Dismal Drizzle immediately shuts up because someone on the set blew a tranquilizer dart into her eye. Or something. Eventually, it becomes unclear whether Puck's singing the song to Drizzle or Idina, which I guess is sort of the point to this whole scene, but you know: Fuck me if I care. The minute the song's over with, Idina opens her yap to whinge about the supposed torments of single motherhood, and I find myself caring even less about this scene -- which shouldn't be possible, and yet here we are -- so let's just go ahead and plunge into this evening's commercial break, shall we? Good.
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By Demian
Locker Room. The Leprechaun bursts in with some "top-secret intel" Frankenteen doesn't want to hear, so Finn...
...bustles up to Brit-Brit by her locker and blurts, "Is it true?" "No," Brit-Brit blithely replies, "of course not." "You're not leaving New Directions?" Finn clarifies. "Ohhhhh!" Brit-Brit apologizes. "I thought you were talking about the Selena Gomez pregnancy rumors. Yes, I am quitting Glee Club." And given the fact that this bit of news broke as this episode was airing, that Selena Gomez-Justin Bieber slam seems a hell of a lot more funny in retrospect. But that's neither here nor there at the moment, because Frankenteen's having a meltdown right there in the middle of the hall. "We need you!" he pleads. "We're like a big family, and this is our year to win it all!" Santana Lopez saunters up at this juncture to hurl a couple of hilarious insults in Frankenteen's face that quite honestly make absolutely no sense within the context of this particular conversation, so I'll be skipping past them to listen in as Finn claims, "We can't survive any more defections!" "I know!" Brit-Brit commiserates. "It's just that Santana? She made a wish on my leprechaun?" "There's no such thing as leprechauns!" Finn explodes, finally having had enough of Brit-Brit's batshit blithering, for whatever unknown reason. "That stuff about Santa being real last year was cute," he rages, "but this leprechaun crap? At some point, you just gotta grow up and stop being such an idiot!" Brittany takes extreme umbrage at that last utterance of Finn's and, after giving him a piece of what passes for her scattered little mind, she spins on her heel and wafts off down the hall, Santana racing along at her side. Soon enough, the two run into Mercedes, who's overjoyed to learn they've chosen to enter the warm embrace of Idina Menzel's nurturing lady-choir, and...scene.
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By Demian
WOHN Newsroom. Rod Remington steps up to Sue's makeup table and confides, "We have a problem." You see, campaign law dictates the station give equal time to Sue's opponent, so Sue has little choice but to gape in abject horror as Burt Hummel assumes control of what should have been her segment on that evening's newscast to deliver a rousing defense of government spending for the arts. Well, it's meant to be a rousing defense of government spending for the arts, but it's actually leaving me more than just a little enervated and blasé, so instead of pretending I have any interest in what this fictional character has to say on the subject, I'll simply transcribe the speech as given, and you can make the call regarding its effectiveness yourself: "Sue Sylvester's gotten a lot of mileage coming on this show and scaring you into thinking that a high school putting on a musical is the reason why your neighbor's house got foreclosed on. Now, what she doesn't tell you is how she spends twice the entire McKinley High School arts budget on things like legwarmers for her Cheerios. She wants you to think that the arts are a luxury we just can't afford, but she's got it backwards -- you know, in this economy, art, music, theater, dance? These are things we can't afford to lose. Now, Sue Sylvester thinks that fostering a student's creativity is a waste of money. I think it's the way you invest in this country's future." So. There's that. Burt then encourages viewers to write him care of Hummel Tires & Lube with any brilliant ideas they might have regarding job creation within the district, and urges them all to write in his name on election day. "Just don't let Sue shortchange our kids," he concludes, and with that, we're done with the proselytizing for the evening and can comfortably head back to...
...the warm embrace of Idina Menzel's nurturing lady-choir. Sugar Motta skips over to the just-arriving former Glee Clubbers and greets them like so: "Awesome! More backup for me!" "Okay, you know what?" Santana begins, intent on shutting Sugar's shit down with a quickness. "I did not just leave one diva-driven Glee Club to join another," she continues, "so let me write you a reality check, Richie Bitch: I've seen what you can do, and what you can do is stand in the back, sway, and sing very, very quietly." Atta girl. Also: So much for Sugar Motta, I guess. I predict she'll pop up for no reason whatsoever in one more episode before the Christmas break, then vanish completely for the rest of the season. Any takers? Didn't think so.
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By Demian
"Ladies!" Idina Menzel smiles. "Welcome! We were just brainstorming names for our new group." "'Hot Bitches,'" Santana offers. "'Free Beer,'" Brit-Brit suggests. Unfortunately, both of these entirely reasonable recommendations are rejected in favor of "The Troubletones" -- 'cause the ladies are "trouble for the other groups," don't you know -- and with no further ado, the newly christened lady-choir launches itself into...
...a full-blown, elaborately choreographed, impeccably costumed rendition of Christina Aguilera's "Candyman" out on the auditorium stage, because why the hell not? Santana, Mercedes, and Brittany share lead vocals on this mildly bowdlerized version of the song, with the chastened Sugar Motta meekly wiggling around in the background alongside three magically appearing additional chorines, and it's really funny to watch as they try and fail to disguise the fact that Amber Riley can't actually dance. But I quibble, because it's easily the most entertaining number of the evening, and it's a shame they hacked it to pieces so this episode wouldn't run past its allotted time. I weep to think what they're going to do to those West Side Story songs week.
And when it's over, the camera finds Mr. Schue and Frankenteen out in the audience, because Mr. Schue and Frankenteen...oh, I have no fucking idea why they're out there. They just are, okay? "This is trouble," a shell-shocked Frankenteen murmurs. "Biiiiiiig trouble," Mr. Schue agrees, and with that, we head into what should be this evening's final commercial break. Then again, some of them have been so oddly placed this season that it wouldn't surprise me if Fox squeezed another one in before the end of the hour. Bastards.
Hall. Finn approaches Mercedes, Santana, and Brittany both to congratulate them on their performance and to apologize for his earlier rude remarks. Brittany graciously accepts, and after Frankenteen lurches off down the hall, The Leprechaun comes running up to -- you'll pardon the expression -- gleefully inform Brittany that her third wish has come true. "You wished that by quitting Glee Club," he reminds her, "you wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, and Finn was all happy and smiley, so I'm ready for my pot of gold." Brit-Brit takes that in for a moment, then leans in to correct The Leprechaun like so: "He wasn't smiling because he was happy. He was heartbroken." Because Brittany's suddenly an emotional savant for whatever bizarre reason. Brit-Brit then breaks the sad news that she no longer believes in leprechauns, and bolts. Once she's gone, Santana sidles up to the heartbroken (and still chinless) Leprechaun to whisper, "I have one final wish: Would you do this whole school a favor and just disappear?" and I'm with Santana on that one. GO AWAY, YOU ANNOYING BIT OF NOTHING. God! Six more episodes of this crap? Why?
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By Demian
BreadstiX. Clan Hummel celebrates Burt's candidacy. Well, Burt and Carole celebrate Burt's candidacy while the obnoxious and petty children peevishly attempt to make the whole thing All About Them, so it's a very happy moment, indeed, when Sue strolls over to gift the table with a few snide remarks, because it means I don't have to listen to St. Gay Of Lima moan about his sad lot in life anymore. Well, for the rest of the evening, at any rate. "I need to thank you," Sue eventually admits. "Your 'Burt's Corner' last night was a real wake-up call," she continues. "I'd lost track of why I wanted to run in the first place, and it wasn't about the arts -- it was about my sister." This confession is met with little more than a round of befuddled gawping from Clan Hummel, so Sue elaborates. "You know what public school program is the first to go in a recession?" she lectures. "Special education." Um. Wrong? I don't follow the news on this particular subject at all, so I freely admit I haven't a clue if Sue's talking out of her ass at the moment or not. Given the way Figgins has been shown to mismanage the high school's budget in the past, though, I've no doubt her assertion is true. "There are special needs kids at McKinley," she states, "yet there's no Special Ed classes, and no Special Ed teacher." "I think that might be a better use of school funds," she notes, "than flying the Glee Club to New York without a set list, only to lose at Nationals with a song they made up the night before." And...all of the points to Sue. Forever. Christ, that episode sucked! In any event, with her new mission statement thus so effectively delivered, Sue wishes Burt a "happy aneurysm," and vanishes into the night.
"Say U2's overrated! Say it!" That trio of hockey-haired, letter-jacketed lunkheads from earlier in the hour has The Leprechaun pinned up against the lockers back at McKinley High, where they torture the hapless and annoying bit of nothing in so heartless a manner until Frankenteen staggers over to defend The Leprechaun's honor. Or something like that. At Finn's mere mention of Coach Beiste's name, the lunkheads flee, and Frankenteen and The Leprechaun settle in for a chat, but to be honest with you, I'm completely distracted by that "CHARMAN KINZELMAN FOR TREA$URER" poster at the far end of the hall, and guess what? Charman Kinzelman is Ian Brennan's mother. I think. I mean, I'm pretty sure. You might be interested to know she apparently wrote this, which must mean she's awfully proud of the way her son's chosen to portray her vocation on this show. You know, if it's actually her.
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By Demian
Anyway, after a lot of chatter, Frankenteen drags The Leprechaun over to the music room, where the new kid auditions for the Glee Club with another song I've never heard of before tonight, which The Leprechaun dedicates to his family back home, and wouldn't you know it? Even though there are only ninety seconds left in this episode, we still have time for a...
...MONTAGE! Now, I normally loves me a good montage, but this one seems specially designed to put me to sleep. Rachel makes googly eyes at Finn. The Leprechaun sings. Quinn is smitten. The Leprechaun sings some more. Artie, Single-T Tina, and St. Gay Of Lima try to visit with Mercedes in The Troubletones's rehearsal room, but Santana Lopez pulls Mercedes back from the door. The Leprechaun keeps singing. St. Gay Of Lima gets a supremely pissy look on his face when The Leprechaun hits a high note, because St. Gay Of Lima sucks. The goddamned Leprechaun refuses to knock it off with the fucking singing, already. And in the end -- in the very, very end -- Puck and Idina Menzel totally do it.
Are you done shrieking with revulsion? Excellent, because I've got week's promo to cover. According to this, the upcoming episode's all about the children having sex with each other. According to everything else I've read on the subject, it's not. Is the promo telling us the truth? Or is the promo full of lies? Tune in Tuesday to find out!
Or, you know, don't. Up to you.
Demian is never eating Lucky Charms again. You may contact him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.
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