In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Mrs. Kim accosts Lorelai when she turns over Lane's wedding dress, saying it is imperative that Lorelai bring a date to the wedding in Luke's absence -- Lane's grandmother is coming from Korea and would not find it proper for a single woman to attend unescorted. GMamaKim arrives, causing MamaKim to go immediately into subservient mode, not unlike Lane did with her for so many years. Lorelai plans Lane's bachelorette party (attended by the AWESOME Kyong), but it doesn't go that well. All their plans fall through, and they end up hanging out with Zach and his friends and have genuine fun. Lorelai's substitute wedding date, Michel, dumps her for Celine Dion, so she has to ask Christopher to go with her at the last minute. Lane has two really pretty, crazy weddings, followed by two looney receptions. Hep Alien reunites as a wedding band. Lorelai finds out about Rory meeting April and gets upset, which leads her to slam about 900 shots of tequila and give a drunken, embarrassing toast about her own non-wedding NOT happening on June 3rd. Rory and Chris escort her home, but Rory has to run to New York to be with Logan, who was hurt on his trip. Chris stays with her all night. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Preparations for Lane's wedding are in full swing at MamaKim's. The kitchen is full of Korean cooks preparing kim chee. "Very good," says Mrs. Kim, having a taste from Aunt June's jar. "It's not too spicy." Aunt June nods: "I pack it very tightly. It strangles the spice." Heee. Mrs. Kim says it's perfect, and goes to open another window. Lane comes downstairs and is immediately surrounded by the excited relatives, all apparently adding their Korean two cents about all sorts of wedding-related things. "Back to work, all of you!" MamaKim shouts, pushing them back to the kitchen. "And she will have children at the proper time!" MamaKim insists that Lane go back upstairs (even though Lane is being suffocated by the kim chee odors)...
but, as Lane's going up, Lorelai comes in with the wedding dress bag over her arm. "Vera Wang calling!" says Lorelai, before hitting the kim chee wall. "Wow, you can almost see that smell." The dress bag is decidedly lighter than it was the last time we saw it, but Lane, who is halfway up the stairs, is clearly still worried. Mrs. Kim asks to see it, but is interrupted by the ringing phone and steps out for a moment. "Couldn't you have set it on fire?" Lane asks, while they wait for her mom to come back. "Dude," Lorelai answers, "there's not enough lighter fluid in the world." Lane cringes, saying she hopes Lorelai made a matching blindfold for Zach, so he won't have to actually see her in it. Lorelai tells her that, actually, she's going to look beautiful: "You have a very pretty face, and you have hands and feet! For some guys, the stuff in between is just annoying." Lane is not really comforted by this little joke about her wedding day. (Speaking of dresses, I'm not totally loving the one Lorelai is wearing, especially since I had just seen it elsewhere the day before. REEGe!)
MamaKim returns from her phone call, completely undone. I think we're supposed to assume she's just had a shock, but Emily Kuroda plays it so big, I think for a moment that Mrs. Kim has had a stroke or a bout of dementia, and wonder if this episode is about to get much more sad than I expected. She grips a table, asking Lorelai what she's doing there. Lorelai looks confused, and says again that she's brought the dress. "What dress?" Mrs. Kim asks, and Lane worriedly explains that it's her wedding dress. In her altered state, Mrs. Kim barely reacts when Lorelai removes the dress from the bag. Talk about altered -- it's completely different. Lane's face absolutely beams with glee. The dress is still conservative, but is quite sweet and pretty. Mrs. Kim says it's fine, and that she will see Lorelai and Luke at the wedding. Lorelai says, sadly, that Luke will not be able to make it, because he's out of town, but that she'll be there. That really bugs me -- that Luke isn't going to be there. I get that it's a set-up, but it's ridiculous, and I hate it. How long has Lane worked in his stinky diner? Wearing that same sweater day in and day out, pouring his coffee and serving his fries? He was there when Zach proposed, even. If Lane has any kind of father figure, he'd be it, and New Fake Secret Daughter or not, it's weird that he's not going to be there. I guess it doesn't matter to anyone else, either, because Mrs. Kim just kind of mumbles and goes back to the kitchen.
Lorelai and Lane quietly celebrate that they've gotten the dress past her mom. "She didn't yell," Lane says, in wonder. "It's got a waist, and she didn't yell!" Lorelai tells her not to question it, and to take the dress and hide it until she's walking down the aisle. "And even then," Lorelai says, "walk fast." Lane clutches the dress and carries it upstairs.
Lorelai is just out the door when Mrs. Kim explodes from the kitchen. Catching Lorelai on the front lawn, MamaKim grills her about coming to the wedding unescorted. Lorelai says that Rory will be there, and that they'll be together, but this is not good enough for MamaKim. "No," she says to herself, "she won't like it." Lorelai asks who it is that won't like it, but Mrs. Kim barrels on: Lorelai must attend with a man. "An unmarried woman of a certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear," she says. "People will think things. Bad things." Lorelai: "Like what?" Mrs. Kim: "Like you're a tramp, and possibly for sale." Mrs. Kim is in a panic, asking what they're going to do. "Well," Lorelai says, "I guess first of all, we should agree on a price." But MamaKim is in no mood for the banter. She says that Lorelai must find a man to bring her to the wedding, no matter what it takes, and that Kirk doesn't count. With this, she stomps back into the house, leaving Lorelai to frown on the sidewalk. "Lorelai Gilmore," she says to no one. "Disappointing mothers since 1968."
Rory is kicking ass and taking names at the paper. She is tying up loose ends to get the issue out before leaving for the wedding. Paris, particularly, is presenting a challenge. Her column on the issue of tenure for professors actually turned out to be two columns: one for automatic tenure and one against it. Paris was thinking that Rory might want to print both pieces. "You want me to print a point/counterpoint," Rory asks, "where both points are written by the same person?" Paris: "Bold, huh?" Rory gives her five minutes to pick a side, and is almost ready to leave when the two stupid girls who hang around with Logan's friends show up with a proposition. Am I supposed to know their names? One's blonde and one's a redhead. The two of them plus Rory equals some kind of twenty-years- after-the-fact Witches Of Eastwick. They want Rory to go with them to Costa Rica to surprise the boys on their Life and Death Brigade jaunt. "We thought we'd set up a fabulous camp," Red says, "dress up like natives in grass skirts and coconut bras, and meet the boy with food, fresh booze, and shaving cream." Rory suggests that they re-check their guide books: "I don't think that the natives of Costa Rica wear coconut bras." Rory turns them down, much to their surprise, and they pout out of the room, shooting a Woodward and Bernstein joke at Rory's assistant editors. Having resisted getting sucked into their vapid tornado, Rory packs up to leave, telling one of the other editors to proof Paris's piece when it's in. "I can't pick a side," Paris says. "Either way I look at it, I'm right."
Lorelai is at the Inn with Michel, stuffing gift bags for Lane's bachelorette party. She has asked him to attend the wedding with her, and he was thrilled to accept, especially since it will give him an opportunity to look fabulous and bust out his unparalleled dance moves. Michel tells Lorelai not to stay out too late or drink too much at the party: "You'll be puffy." She smirks that she'll try to keep herself to half a box of wine. "You are going to be with me," says Michel, "and I am going to look fantastic, and you know that who you are with is always a reflection of yourself, and I don't want my reflection to look like Judy Garland, the Mark Herron years." He goes over their wardrobe options for the day, and move on to discuss dancing. He reminds her that he is an amazing dancer, and will not hesitate to tear up the dance floor: "It's what I do at parties to compensate for the elevated calorie intake. I just shake it all off."
Lorelai and Michel are blessedly interrupted by Sookie, who is having a penis cookie emergency (PCE). I know you think I made that up, but I would never joke about a PCE. What I will joke about, however, is that Sookie's carrying these allegedly offensive cookies on a covered tray. Showing a penis-shaped cookie on camera won't get past the censors, and yet Chad Michael Murray is seen each week on One Tree Hill, a veritable PCE in human form. Apparently, the situation is quite out of control. The cookies expanded in the oven, well beyond Sookie's expectations or wildest fantasies. "Oh, dear," Lorelai exclaims, witnessing the cookie carnage. "Hello, Tommy Lee." She says she can't put those in the gift bags, so Sookie will have to figure out something else. I'd like to give y'all a link documenting Tommy Lee's penis size, or something, but...I am not even sure it would be legal for me to do so.
As Sookie runs back to the kitchen and Michel begins practicing his dance moves, Lorelai takes a call from Christopher. He has bought Rory a Sidekick, he says, and was wondering whether that was okay with Lorelai. She tells him that they're way past the point of him having to run gifts by her, and they chat about, I don't know, Gigi's miraculous recovery from littlebitchitis. "I gotta tell you, that 'no' word is pretty awesome," says Chris. "I can't wait to try out the 'you're grounded.'" Yes, Chris. Too bad no one ever tried either of those on you.
Rory arrives at the Kim's house to a great flurry of activity. Lane and Mrs. Kim are crazily removing most of the items in their home. "My Grandma's coming," Lane says, by way of explanation. "Well, geez," Rory cracks. "How big is she?" Lane says that GMamaKim has not been out of Korea for forty-five years, so they figured there was no way she would come to the wedding, but surprise, she called today and she's on her way. "So," Rory says, "that's nice, right?" But, no. It's not nice. Mrs. Kim busts in the door, calling desperately for help, and the girls run over to assist her in moving a huge statue of Buddha to a place of honor. Panting, she tells them to run to get the crucifixes out of the kitchen: "And don't forget the Christ's feet tea towel!" The girls race for the kitchen, and Rory begs Lane to fill her in on all this craziness. "Apparently," Lane says, grabbing stuff off the wall, "my Grandmother is a Buddhist." Mrs. Kim comes in, shoving more stuff into Lane's arms, telling her to hide it in her room. "Closets?" Lane asks. "Floorboards!" MamaKim yells, and takes off again.
Upstairs, Rory is still slow on the uptake: "I don't understand. So, your grandmother's Buddhist. Why are we...oh my God! Your mother's mother doesn't know she's a Seventh-Day Adventist! That is so weird!" Lane says it would be a very big deal if her Grandmother found out: "I just discovered today that I am simply the latest link in a chain of Kim women, who hide their real lives under their floorboards away from their mothers!" They get the stuff under the floor, just in time for Mrs. Kim to call up that the grandmother has arrived. "I want all boys!" Lane says, hoping she never has to pass this tradition on to her own children. "Praise Buddha!" Rory yells, and they go to the top of the stairs.
Below stands a tiny Korean woman, dressed like a Communist and looking sour. "I see the resemblance," Rory whispers as GMamaKim calls Lane down. What follows is a few minutes of Korean dialogue between the elder women, and though I can't tell you what they're saying, the mother-daughter relationship needs no translation. MamaKim follows her mother around the house, head bowed, as the older woman sniffs and makes faces of extreme disapproval. Finally, GMamaKim sighs heavily, and walks swiftly to the Buddha statue. "Three complaints, two insults, and a heavy dose of religious guilt," Lane explains to Rory. They watch as the two ladies kneel in front of the statue and begin the ritual of a hundred-and-eight bows. Lane notices the time, and tries to interrupt her bowing mother to tell her that they have to leave for the bachelorette party. "Eighty to go," MamaKim says, and the girls see their chance for escape and run out.
The bachelorette party is just getting started, as Lorelai, Rory, Sookie, Lane, and all her friends spill out of Doose's wearing light-up necklaces and tiaras. Lorelai does a quick check to make sure they have all their supplies, and has Rory read off the list. "Beer," she says, followed by "more beer; pretzels and beer; various chocolatey treats; alternative alcohol for those who don't like beer; and beer." With the list complete, Lorelai tells them their first stop is the Black, White and Read Book Store, where they will sneak in their booze and treats and proceed to get drunk and watch American Gigolo. "Featuring," Sookie reminds them, "some full-frontal from Mr. Gere, himself." The girls all giggle and take off for the movie, but not before Kyon can catch up to them. "Wait for me!" she calls, saying she had to wait for her mother and the two Mrs. Kims to fall asleep before she could sneak out to meet them: "Luckily, all that bowing makes them sleep like dogs." She is glad to catch them, Kyon says, because she had to get out of the house: "It stinks of kim chee, and incense, you can't breathe!" Kyon says all this while removing her conservative sweater and schoolgirl skirt, underneath which she is wearing an Avril Lavigne t-shirt and jeans. Lane is amazed: "When did you start double dressing? And...Avril Lavigne?" Kyon gets huffy: "Avril Lavigne a-rocks-uh. You're such a snob! If it's not Joy Division, you don't like it! Well, you can't dance to Joy Division!" Lane, still shocked, laughs: "My whole family is crazy!" Rory sighs: "Welcome to the club. We'll get sweatshirts." Her Sidekick goes off now, causing her to sigh anew. Rory says that Chris has been texting her constantly. "I think it's nice," Lorelai says. "You have a real Daddy/Daughter thing going on here." Yeah, Rory says, it's great, especially when Chris is sending her messages, like right now, about his grocery shopping and how he doesn't like peas, but he does like pea soup. "Interesting, no?" she says. "NO!" No, indeed. Lorelai takes command of the Sidekick. "'Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere's penis,'" she types. "That should shut him up for a while." Everybody shuts up as one of the party girls has to stop by the gazebo to vomit. "That's got to be some sort of record," Lorelai cringes, and I wonder what on Earth the girl could have consumed to make her barf so soon. Note to self: call AB Chao.
Moments later, we see the crestfallen bridal party back at the gazebo, having missed the movie. Sookie says she checked the times twice, but that they must have printed them wrong in the paper. Rory says they could have just gone in late, but Lorelai insists that it would have been too risky: "No way to know if we'd missed the money shot." Sookie agrees: "American Gigolo without the gigo-down-low is pointless!" Haaaa! Get it? Pointless? Point...less? Okay, no. They've pretty much run out of stuff to do in Stars Hollow on a wild night out, and are trying to decide how to pass the time when Zach and his bachelor party, complete with the forever-awesome Sebastian Bach, arrive. They just came from Dell's Bar, they say. Dell closed early for an anniversary. That further cramps Lorelai's plans: they were going to go there after the movie. "Well," Rory says, "we could go to the Chimney Sweep." Sookie shakes her head: "No, it burned down last week." Rory: "Ironic." Brian suggests going to his aunt's house, where there is a rec room with a TV, but Zach pronounces this to be lame. He considers going to see the movie with the girls. "Is that the one where you see Richard Gere's Johnson?" he asks, reconsidering. "Because that seems a little weird for a bachelor party." Lane is upset. She doesn't want them all to party together, anyway -- they should all be out separately, getting wild. "Lady's right," Zach says. "C'mon men, let's go...find something wild to do." Frustrated, Lorelai says that the bachelorettes are looking pathetic now. They desperately try to think of something wild to do, but come up with nothing.
Later, find themselves standing outside a pretty house. "You must be Lane," Brian's aunt says when she opens the door. "The boys are downstairs in the rec room." Lorelai smiles: "Sounds like they have foosball!" The ladies all rush in to the happy yells of the bachelors.
The morning, Lorelai comes down dressed for the wedding to find Rory Sidekicking it on the couch. She holds up two purses, asking Rory which one says "Hi, I'm not a whore, enjoy your day." Rory tells her the pink one -- though, I would have gone with the other one -- and then gives Lorelai a rundown of Christopher's latest fascinating activities which he is somehow sending to her via the Sidekick, even though he is apparently driving around town. I know we're supposed to suspend reality, but I am not sure I can support the unsafe use of technology, here. Kids, don't text your illegitimate daughter while you're driving, especially when your other, motherless child is presumably waiting for you at home.
The phone rings, and though Rory admonishes Lorelai not to answer it because doing so will make them late, Lorelai answers anyway: "I talk fast. It's my gift." No kidding. It's Michel on the phone with news: his friend got front-row seats to see his beloved Céline Dion. "What should I wear?" he asks. "What would Céline like me in?" Heee! Lorelai says she doesn't know, but that she's on her way to pick him up. He drops the bomb: he's ditching her for the show. She begs him, saying he's already seen Céline Dion. "Only five times," he says, "and never this close! I was in the balcony with the riffraff and the people who sneak in pot!" Lorelai tries further, but Michel gives her the brush. She lays out her troubles on Rory: "Mrs. Kim made it very clear that I was not to show up without a guy. This is ridiculous. Even when I have a man, I'm still the girl who doesn't have a man!" She goes on, saying it sucks that she's known Lane her whole life and that now she can't go to her wedding because of frackin' Céline Dion. Rory asks if she wants to see if Chris can go with Lorelai. "I've got him right here," she says, brandishing the Sidekick. "He's turning left on Main and he found a buffalo head nickel in his glove compartment." Lorelai resists, saying that surely Chris is busy and can't make it there in forty-five minutes. Rory says that actually, he can be there in twentyminutes, and Lorelai finally relents. "'T.P.T.D.I.,'" Rory reads back Christopher's message, translating: "Totally Psyched To Do It." Lorelai smirks: "He's making up his own acronyms?" "Yeah," Rory sighs. "And he just learned how to make the happy face." Lorelai laughs: "Sorry, kid. What can I say? He was really hot in high school."
Later, Lorelai stands outside the Kims' house, trying hard not to look unescorted, waiting for Chris. She thanks him when he arrives, saying that he looks fine in the jacket he had in his car. Chris tries to make small talk, but when Mrs. Kim comes out the front door, Lorelai grabs him and runs up to her, pushing Chris into the house: "Mrs. Kim, I'd like you to meet Christopher Hayden. He's Rory's father! And a man!" Chris is confused, but Lorelai explains inside: "She instructed me to bring a man today. I just wanted to show her I could take direction well. You never know who knows Spielberg." Chris needs further clarification about why Lorelai had to bring a man. Lorelai, in mock surprise: "Because, an unmarried woman? Alone? Dressed the way I dress? Apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson." Christopher cocks an eyebrow: "Oh, well then, I always wanted to meet Jenna Jameson." Why, so you could impregnate her? Lame. They run into Rory, who says that the Buddhist wedding is about to begin. "Is the Dalai Lama coming?" Lorelai jokes that yes, he's coming and he's having the chicken. I am upset that I just had to mention Jenna Jameson and the Dalai Lama in the same paragraph. Of course, it could have happened before...for all I know, Jenna Jameson could have made a film or something called Dolly Drama: The Art of Zen Butthism, and this connection has already been documented.
Rory shoves her parents off to the side, where they wait for the ceremony to begin. In due time, soft Asian music begins, and the Mrs. Kims enter the room, dressed in their native finery, and sit by the altar. Zach comes in, dressed in a Korean silk robe, and waits for Lane, who makes her entrance, also fully decked out in Korean wedding clothes. She looks beautiful, and the bride and groom smile at each other as the officiant begins the ceremony.
Something, however, does not sit well with GMamaKim. Who knows what sets her off -- maybe that Zach is not Korean? -- but partway through the wedding, she leaps up and storms out, followed by Mrs. Kim. They proceed to have a shouted argument offstage, while the wedding proceeds. The officiant yells out his lines as the fight rages on. "The universal sounds of family," Lorelai whispers to Chris. Moments later, the front door bursts open, and GMamaKim comes out, looking pinched, with Mrs. Kim scurrying behind. GMamaKim says what sounds like a few sour words to MamaKim, hops in a cab, and, while Mrs. Kim bows and scrapes, rides off into the sunset.
In silence, Mrs. Kim watches the cab, as it turns the corner, and then, with one swift movement, turns to the crowd of wedding guests and, with her fist in the air, shouts "GO!" Instantly, dozens of people pour out of the house in a rush. "What the hell is happening?" Chris shouts, and Lorelai wonders whether they are being trampled by bulls. "We would have heard the china breaking!" Chris says, as they are nearly knocked down from all sides. Rory comes out, asking why they aren't running. "Why should we be running?" Lorelai asks. "To get to the church," Rory says, "for the wedding!" Chris says he thought they were just at the wedding. "This was the grandmother's wedding," Rory tells them as more and more people pour out. "Now we do the mother's wedding!" Lorelai agrees, but asks why they have to run. "Because," Rory insists, "there's fifty-eight seats and sixty-two Koreans!" Lorelai, seeing the urgency of the situation, grabs Chris's arm and starts running. They pass Sookie and Jackson, also part of the sprint, and have some jogging small talk. "Why are we running?" Sookie finally asks. "Fifty-eight seats!" Lorelai explains. "Sixty-two Koreans!" Sookie gets it, telling Jackson to fight for her. "I'm on it!" he says, and they enter the church in a panic. They spy Miss Patty, who has four seats reserved, just in case. She's been there all night: "Fifty-eight seats and sixty-two Koreans. Please."
In the anteroom, Rory is helping Lane finish getting ready. "I look like a bride," Lane says, studying herself in the mirror. Rory smiles and says she is a bride. Laughing, Lane says she feels really weird, and they take a picture of the weirdness before Mrs. Kim comes in. "Hm," Mrs. Kim says, back to her old self now that her mother is gone. "The dress looks different." Lane blinks with innocence: "Really? Does it? Everything looks different through the eyes of a bride." Mrs. Kim doesn't push it, but asks Rory to excuse them so that she can have a big talk with Lane: "It concerns the wedding night," she says, in serious tones. She tells Lane that marriage is a job -- it comes with certain rewards, but also certain sacrifices. Cringing, she says that there are things -- terrible things -- that Lane will have to do with "this boy" on their wedding night. Lane tries to interrupt, making it clear that she doesn't need this speech, but MamaKim goes on: "You are going to have to do it with this boy, Lane. You're just going to have to do it. Hopefully, if you're lucky like me, you'll only have to do it once." Aw, MamaKim. Come on. I know that under that gray jumpsuit lurks the libido of a tiger! Rrowr?
Cut to the church, where Zach and Brian stand at the railing as the wedding march starts up. Mrs. Kim enters first, followed by Rory carrying some pretty flowers, causing Lorelai and Chris to smile huge smiles. Zach's eyes light up as Lane comes in, unescorted, down the aisle. She looks beautiful, and it causes Lorelai to go all nostalgic. She whispers a story to Chris about how she remembers the first time she met Lane, on Rory's first day of kindergarten. For some reason, Rory had insisted on wearing Lorelai's Chico Ad The Man t-shirt, which made Lorelai worry that no one would want to play with her. Lane, though, came running up and offered to share her crayons with Rory. "I was so grateful," Lorelai says, "because I thought, even if Lane turned out to be a psycho, bad seed, serial killer kid, at least Rory had a friend. Who knew it would turn out to be a lifelong friendship?" Chris smirks: "Well, they're young. There's plenty of time for them to have a stupid fight and screw it up." Aw. How...not sweet at all. Can't these people be nice for five minutes?
Everyone sits as this ceremony begins -- it's also in Korean, but conducted by a minister -- and Lorelai sighs that Lane is the first of Rory's friends to get married. I guess she has forgotten about Dean, who was not only married but cheated on his wife with Rory. Well, whatever. Details, right? Anyway, as Lorelai smiles about Lane, Chris has to ruin it: "You know, Rory could be ." Lorelai takes a deep breath and looks at him with what seems like terror, saying, "Yeah." Shut up, Christopher.
Back from commercial, the bride and groom come out of the church to cheers and rose petals. "That wedding was just the way I like them," Jackson says. "Short and in a language I can't understand." Sookie says she thought it was beautiful, particularly the dress. They say they have to go call their new baby-sitter, who is seventeen, a good student, very polite, and has references out the wazoo. "She seems absolutely perfect in every way," Sookie says. "Well," Lorelai says, "she's probably a crackhead." Jackson: "Thank you!" They go off to call the sitter, while Chris and Lorelai seek out the bar.
Meanwhile, Zach is rapturously describing the Korean wedding robe he wore in his first ceremony to Gil. "Hey," Gil says, "I'm just happy to have another married guy around." Zach tells him that just because they're both married doesn't mean they'll be sharing any Dr. Phil moments. "Just wait, my friend," Gil says. "Just wait 'til the first time you don't bring home the dry cleaning." At this, my husband throws me a look so hard I can feel it hit my cheek. The end-point to every argument we have ever had is "Dry cleaning!" Because, listen, the dude never takes my dry cleaning when he's taking his, and seriously, he's a great man and a great husband, but that chaps me. I hate to bust on him, because he's better at almost every domestic task than I am, but...he never even asks about the dry cleaning. How hard is it? "Al, I'm going to the dry cleaner's. Do you have anything I can take for you?" See? So simple! Listen to the wise words of Sebastian Bach, married men.
Christopher is still in search of the bar when Jackson and Sookie come back from calling the baby-sitter. They quiz Rory on the location of the booze. "Shh," Rory says. "Don't say that so loud." Lorelai is appalled, but when the servers open the buffet, she says that they at least can get some food. "That food isn't for you," Rory starts to explain, but they all watch in shock as the Korean wedding guests practically sprint down the buffet, filling to-go boxes, pausing only to drop an envelope of money into a bag Lane is holding. Tires screech as they all nearly break their necks getting out of there. Lane is amazed by all the Korean craziness. "I can't believe your friends gave me all this money," she says to her mom, who nods as the last of her guests drive away. "Nice haul," MamaKim says, looking into the bag. "Lester Chin probably stiffed you." Lane says that's okay. Mrs. Kim thanks her for doing two ceremonies, saying that it was very important to her grandmother. "It was fun," Lane says. "Made my wedding seem a little more special." Mrs. Kim says it's good that she sees it that way. She smiles, saying that now that all her guests have gone, she's going to go home and go straight to bed: "I'm going to wear earplugs tonight, so I won't be able to hear anything that might be going on out in the street 'til all hours of the night." Lane throws her arms around her mother, thanking her. Pointing to Zach, who is now modeling his wedding robe for his friends, shesays, "Look at it this way -- you're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a son...who likes to wear a dress." Mrs. Kim throws up her hands. Back to her old curmudgeonly self, she tells Lane, "Don't let him take pictures in that thing." Lane waits until her mom is safely out of sight before giving the thumbs up to Kirk, who is waiting on the corner to a huge truck. Kirk slaps a magnetic sign reading "Yummy Bartenders" on the side, and opens the door to release the booze and music. Lane and Zach meet in the middle of the street and are about to share a kiss, when Lorelai interrupts them: "Excuse me, there's something wrong with your dress!" Pulling away the long skirt, she reveals a short one underneath. "Yes!" Zach says. "My wife's got legs! So, let's get this party started."
Back from commercial, the party is in full swing. We see a close-up shot of the wedding cake, a gorgeous takeoff of this White Stripes album cover, with Lane and Zach in the same pose. Could not be more awesome. All kinds of crazy partying is going on -- Brian and Kyon get down to Blondie -- and people are drinking and living it up. After being quizzed by Kirk on the relative yumminess of his bartenders, Rory delivers a drink to Lorelai at her table, where she is calling Jackson and Sookie's baby-sitter on their behalf. "She didn't sound drunk at all," says Lorelai. "But," Jackson says, "she sounded like there was a guy there, right?" Lorelai says no. "What about a pimp?" he asks. "Was there was a pimp?" Lorelai shrugs: "Yes, I heard a pimp, but he sounded like he had a heart of gold." Lane and Zach boozily stop by the table, thanking them for everything, and Rory takes a picture of all at the table with the bride and groom. Lorelai asks to see it, but Rory tries to refuse, saying that her mom erases every picture Rory ever takes of her. "No," Lorelai says, "only the ones where I look like Rhoda." Rory insists that Lorelai never looks like Rhoda, but shows her the picture anyway, as well as the other pictures stored on her camera. Lorelai sees one, and asks Rory who's in it. "Oh, uh," Rory winces, no doubt kicking herself. "That's me, with April." If there were a needle, and if that needle were on a record, here's the place where it would come screeching off. Lorelai tries not to look upset, but can't pull it off. When Rory attempts to explain that she went to see Jess in Philadelphia, and Luke arrived there at the same time with April, Lorelai is even more upset. She hadn't even known Rory had gone to Philly. "It was a total fluke," Rory says, but it doesn't do much to assuage Lorelai. "You met April," Lorelai says, "and took a picture together...like you're pals." Rory tries again: "It was a crazy coincidence. It's not like Luke was trying to introduce her to me; I walked in and they were there." She says that she didn't tell Lorelai because she felt weird about it. Lorelai says that it's fine, though she is clearly lying, and goes to get another drink. Meanwhile, on the bandstand, the newly reunited Hep Alien are preparing to rock out. Zach, in his robe, says a few words to the crowd, goes back to kiss Lane at the drum set, and kicks off a fine cover of "I'm A Believer." Sweet.
The reception winds down, as many do, with crazy, embarrassing behavior on all sides. Kirk, thinking one of his bartenders has flirted with Lulu, fires them all, and makes the bar serve-yourself. "Too yummy!" he says, stomping off. "Way too yummy!" At a nearby table, lovable nerds Kyon and Brian mack down like Bobby Brown. Hooray! Everything's great, until we see Chris trying to be all Grownup Dad to Rory, telling her how much he likes Logan, and how if they decide to get married, he'd totally approve. Gross, Christopher. Shut up. Rory's twenty-one! I know Lane is, too, but whatever. Why would a thirty-seven-year-old man encourage his twenty-one-year-old daughter to get married to some fool with even less direction than he has? Chris asks where Logan is, anyway. Rory tells him he's in Costa Rica. "Oh," she says, when Chris is surprised. "He's gonna jump off something and raft down somewhere, climb up a thing, swing on a vine, something like that."
Rory gets up to give a toast to Lane and Zach just as Lorelai arrives back at the table with a tray of at least twenty-five shots. "I'm a respectable man, Lorelai," Chris says in mock alarm about the alcohol. "An upstanding citizen. I'm a father." Lorelai smiles, pouring some salt on her wrist: "I know. This is how you became one." Chris: "Well, you have me there." They do another shot when Rory makes her way to the microphone. She gives a typical Palladino speech, not overly sweet in the least, and reads a note Lane passed her in school in third grade. When she gets to the end, where Lane signs off with "See you at Brownies," I openly sob. Being a kid is so awesome. I wish I could go to Brownies right now. Maybe I just need some brownies...
Speaking of needing to eat something, Lorelai sure could use some brownies right now, because after knocking back several shots, she decides to give a toast. Chris looks worried, and he is right to do so. It...doesn't go well. Clanging past the drums and banging into the mic, Lorelai begins her downward spiral: "Some of you know me as Lorelai Gilmore, and some of you know me as Cher." She says she's so happy for Lane, so happy that this twenty-two-year-old girl has gotten married, because it's amazing and really hard to get married: "Believe me, I should know. Because, Lane's married, and thing it'll be my daughter and...then, my granddaughter, but not me. I'm not getting married. No, it ain't for me; it's not in the cards." Everybody is starting to look sad and worried, but Lorelai just goes on and on, asking whether the crowd wants to know WHEN she's not getting married. "June 3rd!" she says. "Do not save the date. Do whatever you want on June 3rd, because there's nothing at all happening on that day." She rambles on and on to the total silence of the crowd, finally congratulating Lane and Zach, and blessedly being rescued by Chris and Rory, who come up and ask whether she wants some coffee. Despite this snag in their night, Zach looks dreamily over at Lane and sighs. "Totally perfect wedding," he says, and she nods, kissing him.
Chris carries Lorelai into her house, while Rory goes to make coffee. "Just prop her up," Rory calls to her dad, who has put Lorelai on the couch. "She hates to get pillow face." Rory is interrupted from her coffee wrangling by a phone call from Colin. Logan's been badly hurt, and is being airlifted to a hospital in New York. Chris tells her to go, saying that he'll take care of Lorelai. "All right, Calamity Jane," he says, lifting her over his shoulder and weirdly referencing the other show I recap for this site, "let's get you to bed." Lorelai protests, but Chris drags her up anyway...
...and in the scene, we see a sleeping Lorelai rouse herself in the very early morning hours to take a call from Luke. She mumbles, trying to get her bearings, and pulls up short when she sees Christopher there. He's slept in a chair by her bed all night. "Yeah," Lorelai tells Luke, giving Chris a sad little wave as he leaves. "The wedding was great; she looked beautiful."