I Get A Sidekick Out Of You

Preparations for Lane's wedding are in full swing at MamaKim's. The kitchen is full of Korean cooks preparing kim chee. "Very good," says Mrs. Kim, having a taste from Aunt June's jar. "It's not too spicy." Aunt June nods: "I pack it very tightly. It strangles the spice." Heee. Mrs. Kim says it's perfect, and goes to open another window. Lane comes downstairs and is immediately surrounded by the excited relatives, all apparently adding their Korean two cents about all sorts of wedding-related things. "Back to work, all of you!" MamaKim shouts, pushing them back to the kitchen. "And she will have children at the proper time!" MamaKim insists that Lane go back upstairs (even though Lane is being suffocated by the kim chee odors)...

but, as Lane's going up, Lorelai comes in with the wedding dress bag over her arm. "Vera Wang calling!" says Lorelai, before hitting the kim chee wall. "Wow, you can almost see that smell." The dress bag is decidedly lighter than it was the last time we saw it, but Lane, who is halfway up the stairs, is clearly still worried. Mrs. Kim asks to see it, but is interrupted by the ringing phone and steps out for a moment. "Couldn't you have set it on fire?" Lane asks, while they wait for her mom to come back. "Dude," Lorelai answers, "there's not enough lighter fluid in the world." Lane cringes, saying she hopes Lorelai made a matching blindfold for Zach, so he won't have to actually see her in it. Lorelai tells her that, actually, she's going to look beautiful: "You have a very pretty face, and you have hands and feet! For some guys, the stuff in between is just annoying." Lane is not really comforted by this little joke about her wedding day. (Speaking of dresses, I'm not totally loving the one Lorelai is wearing, especially since I had just seen it elsewhere the day before. REEGe!)

MamaKim returns from her phone call, completely undone. I think we're supposed to assume she's just had a shock, but Emily Kuroda plays it so big, I think for a moment that Mrs. Kim has had a stroke or a bout of dementia, and wonder if this episode is about to get much more sad than I expected. She grips a table, asking Lorelai what she's doing there. Lorelai looks confused, and says again that she's brought the dress. "What dress?" Mrs. Kim asks, and Lane worriedly explains that it's her wedding dress. In her altered state, Mrs. Kim barely reacts when Lorelai removes the dress from the bag. Talk about altered -- it's completely different. Lane's face absolutely beams with glee. The dress is still conservative, but is quite sweet and pretty. Mrs. Kim says it's fine, and that she will see Lorelai and Luke at the wedding. Lorelai says, sadly, that Luke will not be able to make it, because he's out of town, but that she'll be there. That really bugs me -- that Luke isn't going to be there. I get that it's a set-up, but it's ridiculous, and I hate it. How long has Lane worked in his stinky diner? Wearing that same sweater day in and day out, pouring his coffee and serving his fries? He was there when Zach proposed, even. If Lane has any kind of father figure, he'd be it, and New Fake Secret Daughter or not, it's weird that he's not going to be there. I guess it doesn't matter to anyone else, either, because Mrs. Kim just kind of mumbles and goes back to the kitchen.

The bachelorette party is just getting started, as Lorelai, Rory, Sookie, Lane, and all her friends spill out of Doose's wearing light-up necklaces and tiaras. Lorelai does a quick check to make sure they have all their supplies, and has Rory read off the list. "Beer," she says, followed by "more beer; pretzels and beer; various chocolatey treats; alternative alcohol for those who don't like beer; and beer." With the list complete, Lorelai tells them their first stop is the Black, White and Read Book Store, where they will sneak in their booze and treats and proceed to get drunk and watch American Gigolo. "Featuring," Sookie reminds them, "some full-frontal from Mr. Gere, himself." The girls all giggle and take off for the movie, but not before Kyon can catch up to them. "Wait for me!" she calls, saying she had to wait for her mother and the two Mrs. Kims to fall asleep before she could sneak out to meet them: "Luckily, all that bowing makes them sleep like dogs." She is glad to catch them, Kyon says, because she had to get out of the house: "It stinks of kim chee, and incense, you can't breathe!" Kyon says all this while removing her conservative sweater and schoolgirl skirt, underneath which she is wearing an Avril Lavigne t-shirt and jeans. Lane is amazed: "When did you start double dressing? And...Avril Lavigne?" Kyon gets huffy: "Avril Lavigne a-rocks-uh. You're such a snob! If it's not Joy Division, you don't like it! Well, you can't dance to Joy Division!" Lane, still shocked, laughs: "My whole family is crazy!" Rory sighs: "Welcome to the club. We'll get sweatshirts." Her Sidekick goes off now, causing her to sigh anew. Rory says that Chris has been texting her constantly. "I think it's nice," Lorelai says. "You have a real Daddy/Daughter thing going on here." Yeah, Rory says, it's great, especially when Chris is sending her messages, like right now, about his grocery shopping and how he doesn't like peas, but he does like pea soup. "Interesting, no?" she says. "NO!" No, indeed. Lorelai takes command of the Sidekick. "'Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere's penis,'" she types. "That should shut him up for a while." Everybody shuts up as one of the party girls has to stop by the gazebo to vomit. "That's got to be some sort of record," Lorelai cringes, and I wonder what on Earth the girl could have consumed to make her barf so soon. Note to self: call AB Chao.

Moments later, we see the crestfallen bridal party back at the gazebo, having missed the movie. Sookie says she checked the times twice, but they must have printed it wrong in the paper. Rory says they could have just gone in late, but Lorelai insists that it would have been too risky. "No way to know," she says, "if we'd missed the money shot." Sookie agrees: "American Gigolo without the gigo-down-low is pointless!" Haaaa! Get it? Pointless? Point...less? Okay, no. They've pretty much run out of stuff to do in Stars Hollow on a wild night out, and are trying to decide how to pass the time when Zach and his bachelor party, complete with the forever-awesome Sebastian Bach, arrives. They just came from Dell's bar, they say. Dell closed early for an anniversary. That further cramps Lorelai's plans; they were going to go there after the movie. "Well," Rory says, "we could go to the Chimney Sweep." Sookie shakes her head. "No," she says, "it burned down last week." Rory: "Ironic." Brian suggests going to his aunt's house, where there is a rec room with a TV, but Zach pronounces this to be lame. He considers going to see the movie with the girls. "Is that the one where you see Richard Gere's Johnson?" he asks, reconsidering. "Because that seems a little weird for a bachelor party." Lane is upset. She doesn't want them all to party together, anyway -- they should all be out separately, getting wild. "Lady's right," Zach says. "C'mon men, let's go...find something wild to do." Frustrated, Lorelai says that the bachelorettes are looking pathetic now. They desperately try to think of something wild to do, but come up with nothing. Later, find themselves standing outside a pretty house. "You must be Lane," Brian's aunt says when she opens the door. "The boys are downstairs in the rec room." Lorelai smiles: "Sounds like they have foosball!" The ladies all rush in to the happy yells of the bachelors.

The morning, Lorelai comes down dressed for the wedding to find Rory Sidekicking it on the couch. She holds up two purses, asking Rory which one says "Hi, I'm not a whore, enjoy your day." Rory tells her the pink one -- though, I would have gone with the other one -- and then gives Lorelai a rundown of Christopher's latest fascinating activities which he is somehow sending to her via the Sidekick, even though he is apparently driving around town. I know we're supposed to suspend reality, but I am not sure I can support the unsafe use of technology, here. Kids, don't text your illegitimate daughter while you're driving, especially when your other, motherless child is presumably waiting for you at home. The phone rings, and though Rory admonishes her not to answer it because doing so will make them late, Lorelai answers anyway. "I talk fast," she says. "It's my gift." No kidding. It's Michel on the phone with news: His friend got front row seats to see his beloved Celine Dion. "What should I wear?" he asks. "What would Celine like me in?" Heee! Lorelai says she doesn't know, but she's on her way to pick him up. He drops the bomb: he's ditching her for the show. She begs him, saying he's already seen Celine Dion. "Only five times," he says, "and never this close! I was in the balcony with the riffraff and the people who sneak in pot!" Lorelai tries further, but he gives her the brush. She lays out her troubles on Rory. "Mrs. Kim made it very clear that I was not to show up without a guy," she says. "This is ridiculous. Even when I have a man, I'm still the girl who doesn't have a man!" She goes on, saying it sucks that she's known Lane her whole life and that now she can't go to her wedding because of frackin' Celine Dion. Rory asks if she wants to see if Chris can go with her. "I've got him right here," she says, brandishing the Sidekick. "He's turning left on Main and he found a buffalo head nickel in his glove compartment." Lorelai resists, saying that surely Chris is busy and can't make it there in 45 minutes. Rory says that actually, he can be there in 20 minutes, and Lorelai finally relents. "'T.P.T.D.I.,'" Rory reads back Christopher's message, translating: "Totally Psyched to Do It." Lorelai smirks. "He's making up his own acronyms?" she asks. "Yeah," Rory sighs. "And he just learned how to make the happy face." Lorelai laughs, now. "Sorry, kid," she says. "What can I say? He was really hot in high school."

Later, Lorelai stands outside the Kims' house, trying hard not to look unescorted, waiting for Chris. She thanks him when he arrives, saying that he looks fine in the jacket he had in his car. Chris tries to make small talk, but when Mrs. Kim comes out the front door, Lorelai grabs him and runs up to her, pushing Chris into the house: "Mrs. Kim, I'd like you to meet Christopher Hayden. He's Rory's father! And a man!" Chris is confused, but Lorelai explains inside: "She instructed me to bring a man today. I just wanted to show her I could take direction well. You never know who knows Spielberg." Chris needs further clarification about why Lorelai had to bring a man. Lorelai, in mock surprise: "Because, an unmarried woman? Alone? Dressed the way I dress? Apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson." Christopher cocks an eyebrow: "Oh, well then, I always wanted to meet Jenna Jameson." Why, so you could impregnate her? Lame. They run into Rory, who says that the Buddhist wedding is about to begin. "Is the Dalai Lama coming?" Lorelai jokes that yes, he's coming and he's having the chicken. I am upset that I just had to mention Jenna Jameson and the Dalai Lama in the same paragraph. Of course, it could have happened before...for all I know, Jenna Jameson could have made a film or something called Dolly Drama: The Art of Zen Butthism, and this connection has already been documented.

Rory shoves her parents off to the side, where they wait for the ceremony to begin. In due time, soft Asian music begins, and the Mrs. Kims enter the room, dressed in their native finery, and sit by the altar. Zach comes in, dressed in a Korean silk robe, and waits for Lane, who makes her entrance, also fully decked out in Korean wedding clothes. She looks beautiful, and the bride and groom smile at each other as the officiant begins the ceremony.

Something, however, does not sit well with GMamaKim. Who knows what sets her off -- maybe that Zach is not Korean? -- but partway through the wedding, she leaps up and storms out, followed by Mrs. Kim. They proceed to have a shouted argument offstage, while the wedding proceeds. The officiant yells out his lines as the fight rages on. "The universal sounds of family," Lorelai whispers to Chris. Moments later, the front door bursts open, and GMamaKim comes out, looking pinched, with Mrs. Kim scurrying behind. GMamaKim says what sounds like a few sour words to MamaKim, hops in a cab, and, while Mrs. Kim bows and scrapes, rides off into the sunset.

In silence, Mrs. Kim watches the cab, as it turns the corner, and then, with one swift movement, turns to the crowd of wedding guests and, with her fist in the air, shouts "GO!" Instantly, dozens of people pour out of the house in a rush. "What the hell is happening?" Chris shouts, and Lorelai wonders whether they are being trampled by bulls. "We would have heard the china breaking!" Chris says, as they are nearly knocked down from all sides. Rory comes out, asking why they aren't running. "Why should we be running?" Lorelai asks. "To get to the church," Rory says, "for the wedding!" Chris says he thought they were just at the wedding. "This was the grandmother's wedding," Rory tells them as more and more people pour out. "Now we do the mother's wedding!" Lorelai agrees, but asks why they have to run. "Because," Rory insists, "there's fifty-eight seats and sixty-two Koreans!" Lorelai, seeing the urgency of the situation, grabs Chris's arm and starts running. They pass Sookie and Jackson, also part of the sprint, and have some jogging small talk. "Why are we running?" Sookie finally asks. "Fifty-eight seats!" Lorelai explains. "Sixty-two Koreans!" Sookie gets it, telling Jackson to fight for her. "I'm on it!" he says, and they enter the church in a panic. They spy Miss Patty, who has four seats reserved, just in case. She's been there all night: "Fifty-eight seats and sixty-two Koreans. Please."