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Lorelai has a craaaazy dream. Paul Anka the dog and Paul Anka the man meet on the cosmic thoroughfare and are transformed into one. Rory is still passive-aggressively thwarting Logan's attempts to get on with their relationship. He accuses her of intentionally embarrassing him, which maybe she is, and he goes off on one of his lame Life and Death trips with a dramatic "I'll see you." To make herself feel better, she runs away to Philly, where...Luke is finding that his trip with April's math team is more a lesson in chemistry: April likes an actual boy. He takes her to meet Jess at his new bookstore, where worlds collide and she also meets Rory, who has come there to confuse Jess even further than he already is. Speaking of April, Emily speaks out for us all when she chastises Lorelai for not insisting on getting to know April. And in a gorgeous, thirty-second closing scene, Lorelai unleashes all her pent-up wedding angst on Lane's ugly bridal gown. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Rory answers her cell phone to hear Lorelai talking about a weird dream she had last night. "Weirder than the one where you step into a boxing ring," Rory asks, "and your hands are suddenly giant cream puffs?" Lorelai says it's way weirder. In this dream, she (cue sinister violins) took Paul Anka for a walk. Rory wonders what's so weird about that, seeing as how her mom walks Paul Anka every day. "No," Lorelai says. "Not the dog, Paul Anka. The real Paul Anka." Rory is amazed. "Whoa," she says. "Was he nice?" Lorelai says that he was very pleasant. Rory listens on, amazed, as Lorelai explains how, suddenly, Paul Anka chases a cat into the street. "The real Paul Anka?" Rory asks. But no, it's the dog Paul Anka. "You know, you didn't train him well enough," Rory says. "Too much affection, not enough discipline." Rory, she's talking about the dog, Paul Anka, not the daughter, you. Lorelai goes on with this amazing dream: she follows the dog Paul Anka into the market, where he, the real Paul Anka, apparently has a job. (The real) Paul Anka has one hilarious line, telling a customer she has a good "cucumber eye," after which we follow him to Luke's apartment, where he's giving a concert. Before you ask, it's the dog Paul Anka -- he's sitting at a little mic stand in front of an audience, presumably about to go on break toverbally abuse his band -- and though this is cute, and Lauren Graham slays me in the way she's talking about it, I kind of feel like someone wrote this scene to punish me by making me type it out. Ultimately, (the real) Paul Anka is found in the diner, sitting creepily on Babette's lap. He turns and sees the dog, Paul Anka, in the middle of the street. The time has come: the two Paul Ankas are face to face when a blinding light engulfs the town like some kind of Highlander showdown, and Lorelai wakes up. Paul Anka: There can be only one. "So I guess I was wondering," Lorelai concludes, "if you'd heard anything about a small Connecticut town being sucked up into an evil demon vortex, or cast into the fourth dimension or anything?" Uh, no, nothing like that, though I have heard a lot of rumors about this show being plunged into a hell dimension, if you can believe the raging emoticons flying around the internet. Rory says no, also, and adds that no bad news has recently come out about Paul Anka. After having Lorelai check her hands for signs of creampuffiness, she concludes that it's safe for everyone to go about their business.
Luke is comforting a looney Cesar about running the diner while he is gone for ten days. First of all, Luke has gone away before and left Cesar to run the place just fine; and secondly...TEN days? A junior high math team is going on a trip from CT to Philly for ten entire days? Did I miss that before? To do WHAT? The last time I went on a ten-day trip was my honeymoon, which yes, was a few days more than ten, but that covered three countries other than my own. Cesar is worried that he'll burn the place down, and doesn't appreciate it when Luke says he'll do fine. "Stop saying that," Cesar insists. "It's bad luck!" How is that bad luck? Exasperated, Luke says that, all right, Cesar's going to suck at it and give everybody salmonella. Luke asks Lorelai, who has just walked in, to tell Cesar everything will be fine. "And jinx it for him?" she says. "No way." Luke throws up his hands and notices that Lorelai is holding a hanging bag. It's packed with some slightly dressier clothes, she says, just in case. Instead of thanking her, he brushes her off, saying that he probably won't need it during the ten days of diners and fast food with the kids. "See, that's what the phrase 'just in case' covers," she explains, though I think it's up to Luke to learn these lessons on his own. However, since he took Anna up on her nice gesture, why not do the same with Lorelai's? That's all I'm saying. He curmudgeonishly agrees to take it, but still doesn't thank her.
Lorelai picks up the Anna Bag, and all passive-aggressively wonders if it's sturdy enough to carry. She jerks it around, hoping to break it, I'm sure, and as much as I'd like Lorelai to just SAY IT already about her unhappiness with their relationship, I like her abuse of the bag. Because (a) it's kind of fug; and (b) it is nowhere near large enough to accommodate a grown man on this ten-day odyssey he's going on. That is, unless he's planning on wearing the same shirt every day and washing his socks out in a motel sink. Lorelai bangs the bag up and down on a stool, saying that it's always best to take luggage that could withstand Gorilla testing, in reference to the old Samsonite TV ads. Luke's pretty much "whatever" about the whole luggage conversation and, declining Kirk's repeated offer to run the place, even though Kirk has his own hairnet, heads out. Lorelai gets another good smack in to the Anna Bag as she rams it into the door.
At Luke's truck, Luke and Lorelai are once again accosted by Cesar, who runs out to confirm Luke's itinerary. Cesar shares my frustration at the length of this trip. "In my day you learned two plus two and you stayed home," he says. "Today they got contests and go on the road like they're Metallica or something." This, of course, immediately conjures up the image of Metallica in a math contest, and I weep with laughter. Well, you know, they do have that song "One," which may be as high as all Metallica members, past and present combined, can count. During the itinerary review, Luke tells Lorelai that, during their Philadelphia stop, he'll be dropping in on Jess at the bookstore, where he works. (I thought he co-owned it, but whatever.) He describes the place, mentioning that they publish "'zines" as if Luke would ever know what a 'zine is. "They're having an open house," he says. "I'm taking April. It'll give Jess a chance to meet his little cousin." Lorelai nods, clutching the Anna Bag. "Oh," she says, hoisting the bag. "So, anywhere in the back, then?" And, with that, she slings that bag into the back of the truck like Catfish Hunter, throwing a dirty one straight at a batter. I love her for it, because...shit, I mean, April can meet everybody in the whole damn town, and now Jess? Who lives out of town? And Luke's all casual about it? I hate him. And I hate it that Lorelai won't say anything about it, STILL, because that's just stupid. Or, at least, let us SEE the conversation where Luke says he wants to hold off introducing April to his fiancée, for whatever reason. That would make more sense.
Cesar is still panicking, saying his main concern is that his elbow will lock up while he's working the grill. "And Luke," he says, "is the only one who knows how to rub it to get it working again." Lorelai looks at Luke, who immediately puts in that the elbow thing is like a sports injury, thus making it not gay. Yes, that's what all those guys snapping towels at each others' naked asses in locker rooms across the nation say, too. Lorelai assures Cesar that he'll do a great job, even going so far to tell him that his pancakes are better than Luke's, and the two lovebirds -- and here I am speaking of Luke and Lorelai, not Luke and Cesar's elbow, which have a better relationship -- say their farewells. They even have a goodbye kiss which seems fairly genuine. Gee, Palladinos, don't go crazy with the romance, okay? We wouldn't want anyone to think that Luke and Lorelai liked each other. Meanwhile, Cesar seems to have pulled himself together and says that he'll be fine. "Good," Luke says, pointing to the diner window. "Now go back in there and reclaim your turf." Confused, Cesar turns to see the ultimate nightmare: Kirk, in his personal hairnet, serving customers.
Later, Luke and April arrive at her school and prepare to get on the bus. Luke tells her he's bad with names and will need her help to remember all the kids. April asks whether he ever uses mnemonic devices to help him remember things. "Uh," says the man who knew what a 'zine was, "maybe?" April explains: "Like, Curtis Shrand, he's from Kurdistan." Luke is amazed. "He is?" he asks. "No," April says. "He's from Detroit. That's a mnemonic device." She gives him a few more to use, and he seems to catch on. "And those," she says, pointing to the other chaperones, "are your fellow Gr'ups." Luke is again confused. "Grown-ups," April explains. "You never saw the original Star Trek?" She points out her math teacher, Mr. Munster, and says that he's a good guy, but a little nerdy. "Likes to wow us with his Chris Rock impersonation," she says. "It's borderline racist." Luke awkwardly goes to meet the other adults, who immediately assume, since he is dressed like a Vietnam veteran and hasn't shaved, that he is the bus driver. Luke says no, he's not the driver and explains that he did, in fact, bring nicer clothes. Shows you, Luke. They introduce the math teacher, whom they assume Luke has already met. "Actually, no," Luke says. "I'm April's new father. I mean, not new, but new to her, so...hey." The teacher says that April is very bright. "Go figure," Luke jokes, which is, indeed, stupid, and is saved from further awkwardness by April leaning out the bus window. "Hey, Luke," she says. "Some people in here are wondering who you are." Luke tells her to go ahead and explain to them, so she does. "That's Luke," she says, disappearing back into the bus. The other chaperones give him the detailed itinerary, which is broken down into crazy detail. Porn, by the way, will be blocked at all their lodgings. Dang!
We cut away to the unhappy home of Rory and Logan. She stayed up late studying, she says, and had to get up early. Apparently, their paths aren't crossing too much, lately. Rory seems unconcerned. She brushes off Logan's request for a lunch date, and awkwardly shies away from kissing him goodbye on her way out.
Back on the bus, the kids go through an awesome, out-of-tune-like-only-twelve-year-olds-can-sing-it rendition of "The Elements," which leaves Luke, sitting in the back with April, wondering what he's gotten himself into. They listen while a kid a few rows back reels off a seemingly endless string of numbers. "That's Frank," April says, rolling her eyes. "Always rubbing our faces in the fact that he knows the first three hundred digits of Pi." April goes on to ask the girl across the aisle whether she brought the sweater she borrowed from April on the trip. "It's important, Marsha," she says. "I need that sweater." A boy a row ahead of them turns and asks whether it's April's lucky sweater, or something. She swiftly shoots him down: "No, Freddy." Poor ol' Freddy turns back around, duly chastised. The girls start talking about Mr. Munster, now, and his gross lucky tie and how there's probably lucky underwear to match. "Oh," April says, "mental image, be gone." Freddy takes another shot at being social and turns around to say that Munster claims to be a Red Sox fan, but didn't even know that the team traded Damon to the Yankees. Ah, a subject Luke can relate to. He and Freddy bond over the newly shorn Damon while April looks on, horrified. "Nice kid," Luke says, when he and Freddy have exhausted Steinbrenner's motives. "Yeah," April says, reluctant to agree. "Uh, I should study."
Lorelai is at the Inn directing a pair of guests to the stables when Mrs. Kim arrives. "You let women ride horses?" the latter asks, disgusted. Lorelai doesn't even blink: "Yes." There is an unprecedented moment of silence as she does not go on, and even I pause and applaud this, the first time in the history of this program that someone has (a) answered a question directly; and (b) responded with anything less than a five hundred word mini-thesis on, like, the comic use of horses in the filmography of Buster Keaton. Mrs. Kim recovers from the shock of Lorelai letting ten seconds of quiet go by, and indicates the huge garment bag she's holding, saying that it contains the wedding dress she wore in her wedding to the never-seen Mr. Kim, many years ago. "Mm, khaki with a big zipper down the middle?" Lorelai jokes about the garment bag. "Fashion is a fluctuating thing, huh?" Har, har. Mama Kim is not in the mood for jokes. She says she'd like Lane to wear this dress in her wedding, and would like Lorelai to alter it to fit Lane. Lorelai says she would love to -- "Anything for her" -- and adds that she'll call Lane in for a fitting. I have to take a moment and say that the fact that Lorelai can sew is one of my favorite things about her. I just like that part of her character, that she learned to sew out of necessity and can make cool stuff. That kind of detail, among its many other (not lately seen) positive aspects, is what makes this show cool. Anyway, Mrs. Kim says it won't be necessary to bring Lane in, since she has her measurements written down. She hands the dress over to Lorelai, but is still stuck on the horrifying reality of the women riding horses. "Do they," she asks, "at least ride side saddle?" Lorelai's eyes widen. "Yes," she says. "Every single one of them." Satisfied, Mrs. Kim leaves, and Lorelai gets a look at the dress. She gasps in horror.
At the Yale newspaper office, Rory comes by Paris's desk to ask her what's going on. Paris says that she's done a "delete-boring-answers pass" on her interview with a professor, resulting in a sixteen-word story. "His wife," Paris says of the snoozeworthy man, "must wanna suck a tailpipe every night." Not exactly what Rory was asking. "I meant," she says, holding up a big glass jar sitting on Paris's desk, "the big jar of disgusting insects." Oh, those. Paris says that they're fruit flies for a genetics class, and that she has to have them around "to monitor how often Drosophila melanogaster do the nasty." Rory rightly turns up her nose...
...and Paris and Rory are interrupted by Logan. He says that he's been working on the story about textbook prices that Rory assigned him a few weeks ago, and, checking the server, noticed that a piece on the same topic had already been written. Rory nods. She wrote it, herself, she says, because it's an important topic, and she didn't feel like Logan would meet the deadline, based on his past performance. "Past performance," he says, "is no indication of future performance." I want to feel sorry for him, but he's wearing that intentionally-ratty jacket of his, and y'all know I hate that. "Wise men," Rory answers, "call that a sucker's maxim." Good one, Rory, but both of y'all suck so bad. Logan finally has his shit together on this one story, and thus is hurt and embarrassed that she circumvented his success, and she's overly bitchy to him because she's mad about the bridesmaids. Whatever, people. Rory, your hair looks awesome, but that's your only advantage in this fight. If you're mad at him about something you've already said was done with, then it's on you to suck it up and get on with your life, or admit straight out that you're not as okay as you said you were. Logan leaves in a huff.
People, pardon the distraction, but the One Tree Hill commercials reminded me. Have you seen this stuff about the "actor" Chad Michael Murray and his rotating roster of underage castmate wives? What kind of crazy mojo is that kid putting on his penis? Because, have you seen him? And his painful hair that, frankly, makes Logan's look downright Republican? And his ridiculous, twenty-four-year-old, tailored five o'clock shadow? Dude's got a touch of the country face, if you know what I mean. For some reason, I find that story impossibly funny. And, what's worse, you know there is probably a member of the WB staff who is totally assigned to deal with his whole menagerie and has to keep his first wife away from this new one.
Back from commercials, Luke is passing out food orders at a roadside burger joint. He slides into a seat to April, who is busy gossiping with her friends, and immediately interrupts them, saying that he knows the buzzers at their competition were rigged, and that he's lodging a protest. April has to take him aside for a private chat. She reveals, finally, that she likes Freddy. "Oh, well, I like him, too," Luke says. "He seems less insane than the others." April shakes her head. "I don't mean I like him the way you like him," she says. "I hope." She's totally cute about it, especially when it takes several more seconds for Luke to finally get it. "You sitting to me all the time," she says, "is kind of getting in the way." She keeps having to remind Luke not to look at Freddy while he struggles to understand how it is that April likes Freddy when she never speaks to him. "That's the way it works!" she insists. "But you're always palling around with Kevin," he says. April sighs at his stupidity. "Kevin," she says, "makes me sick. You're overthinking this." And, yeah, for once, he is, whereas in his own relationship, he underthinks. April finally convinces Luke not to hang around her constantly, and goes back to her friends, leaving him to sigh and think, no doubt, that he has a lot to learn about this parenting thing. Too bad there isn't someone he could ask about what it's like to raise a twelve-year-old.
Rory arrives home to find Logan's dumb friends drinking and playing pool. "Okay that we're here, love?" Finn asks, showing unprecedented politeness. Logan jumps in before Rory can answer, saying that of course it's okay. "Logan," Finn responds, "I haven't called you 'love' since that sultry night in Bimini." Ha. That marks the first time I've liked Finn. Rory says that it's always fine for them to be there, and asks what they're up to. Colin explains that they're planning the ultimate Life and Death Brigade stunt. "Not only the ultimate," Finn says. "But the penultimate." Colin rolls his eyes, explaining that "penultimate" means "-to-last." "I thought it meant super-ultimate," Finn says. The other friend whose name I forgot or never knew asks how Finn ever got into Yale. "Slept with the recruiter," Finn answers, shrugging. Well, that answers that. Rory brings them back around, asking for the details about the stunt. It's ridiculous, of course, and all about parachuting and base-jumping and rafting down disease-infested rivers, culminating in a huge party. Rory is skeptical about the safety of this whole plan, which offends Logan. "So," he says, "you came home just to piss on the fun?" Rory shoots back. "No," she says, crossing her arms, "I came home because I live here." The guys get the message and drunkenly leave.
"Is it your life's mission," Logan smarmily asks Rory once they're alone, "to embarrass me at every opportunity you get?" Shut up, Logan. You helped Rory steal a boat! And she went to JAIL. I mean, SHUT UP. Because...BRIDESMAIDS! And, also, YOUR ASSHOLE FAMILY. And...various other REASONS. In any case, Rory is not backing down, and shrugs, saying that she's seen all those guys dance around naked with their underwear on their heads; she's not worrying about embarrassing him in front of them. Logan takes another swig of booze, saying that, well, she did embarrass him. I'm getting an abuser vibe here that makes me uncomfortable, and while I am sure it would thrill a certain portion of the viewing audience if Logan gave Rory a swift one to the teeth, I suspect that's not what the script was actually going for. They argue about his upcoming trip and how unsafe it sounds. Logan says that it's none of Rory's business, anyway, and they get into it again about the incident with his article at the paper. She further dismisses his feelings about how embarrassing that was for him, allowing the whole argument to devolve into what this entire thing is really about: "You haven't forgiven me," Logan says. Rory asks what he's talking about. "For the girls I was with when we were separated," he says. "You said [you did], but you haven't, though. You haven't." And, with that, Logan storms out, saying he'll be at the pub.
Lorelai is walking down the street in front of the diner when she is accosted by Lane. "You're in possession," Lane says, grinning maniacally, "of the wedding dress!" Lorelai says, yeah, she was just starting to dig into it. "Don't dig!" Lane says. "Slice, kill! Maim! Destroy! Sic a mad pack of wolves on it!" She says that Lorelai can even burn it, because she cannot wear that dress. Lorelai says that the dress is a little old-world, but Lane disagrees. "Have you looked at it?" she yells. Lorelai says she's looked at parts of it. "Exactly!" Lane cries. "You can't take it in all at once! The human eyeball is not capable." Lorelai tries to placate her, saying that surely it's not that bad. "It's got pants," Lane says, to Lorelai's horrified gasp. "You didn't look at it very carefully!" Lorelai says that she'll remove the pants, but the hysterical Lane says that's not good enough: "No, don't alter it! Have an accident! Leave a warm iron on it! Spill a vat of acid on it! Run your car over it!" Lorelai again tries to calm her down, saying she hasn't even put it on the mannequin yet, and when she does she'll keep Lane updated every step of the way during the alterations.
Lane and Lorelai are interrupted during this freakout when Lorelai sees a reflection of her parents in the store window as they wander the streets of Stars Hollow. She wigs and tells Lane she's got to go. Lorelai gets around the corner in search of her parents, when Lane pulls another sneak attack, this time waving cash. "I'm not above bribing," she says. "It's all about the Hamilton's, baby!" Lane tells Lorelai to forget about her parents for a minute and concentrate on this dress situation. "Wait," Lorelai says, relieved. "So, you saw them, too? I'm not insane?" Lane says that they've been walking around town all morning, sometimes with Kirk, who was wearing his real estate blazer. "Any guess as to why?" Lorelai says, panicked. "Shred the dress," Lane answers, all sinister. "And I'll tell you." Lorelai asks if she really knows, and Lane has to admit that she doesn't. Lorelai takes off at a run to try to figure out this mystery -- surely she should have felt her parents' presence when the entered the city limits. That icy wind. That smell of sulfur.
Back at Yale, we see a quick scene of Logan packing and leaving for his trip. Rory stands across the room with her arms crossed, and they say a hollow goodbye.
Lorelai is on the hunt for Kirk, whom she finds in an abandoned house he refers to as his first listing. He ignores her repeated questions about the whereabouts of her parents as he tries to sell her the house. It apparently has everything imaginable wrong with it, which he is required by law to list out. The best is that it was the recent sight of a Wicca convention, and a particularly grisly murder-suicide. "Nothing," Kirk says, "we can't work with." Lorelai tells him that she's not in the market, and asks again about her parents, wanting to know where they are. He tries to tell her it's confidential information. As rats and bats scurry and fly around the room, Lorelai insists that he tell her where the elder Gilmores are. He finally gives it up, saying that he knows they were looking at two properties on Maple Drive. "Too bad I couldn't get them interested in this property," he says. "It has great bones. Literally. There's an Indian burial ground underneath it."
Meanwhile, Rory is at her apartment, and, bringing in her mail, she discovers an invitation from Jess to the opening of his new store. She smiles a knowing smile.
Lorelai sees her parents across the street on Maple Drive and fakes surprise at finding them there. Richard tries to come up with some reason that they're there, and Emily jumps in, saying that they're antiquing. Lorelai keeps the wide-eyed thing going, saying that they have awesome antique stores in Stars Hollow -- that Madison House is particularly good. Lorelai says that she can take them there right now. "Oh, uh..." both Grandparents respond. Emily says that they have an appointment to keep. They do a bad job of trying to cover, saying that they have a private appointment at an antiques store. "They're only expecting two of us," Richard says. Lorelai, still full of mock innocence, says that surely they won't mind if she comes along, especially if she promises not to break anything. They put her off again, saying that the appointment is not really for a while, which gives Lorelai the perfect moment to force their hands on making the ten-minute walk to Madison House with her. Lorelai now begins her Campaign of Denigration on Stars Hollow. She describes, to Richard and Emily's increasing horror, the bad traffic and how it surely won't be getting any better, as soon as they build that "big box store" in the middle of the town. "Those things are hideous," Richard declares, and Lorelai nods, telling them to hold their breath because of the sewer odor. Richard grows more concerned, saying that Lorelai needs to notify the public works department if there are sewer problems. "No," Lorelai says, "they're on strike. Well, they're always on strike." She coughs now, asking them to excuse her. "Allergies?" Emily asks. Lorelai shakes her head. "Meth lab." Very cute scene.
Philly. In Jess's store, one of his co-workers or co-owners or whatever is arguing that they need their own bar: "We need a public place where the de Kooning can run into the Franz Kline, and dis the Jackson Pollock, while the Charlie Parker shoots up in a corner." Jess slaps his arm: "Nice family place," he jokes. The guy, whose name is Matthew, continues his rant: "I'm not kidding. We'll call it 'Cedar Bar Redux.'" Jess is against it. "I would kick my own ass," he says, "if we called it that." Jess, Jess. Don't waste time kicking your own ass when so many people have volunteered to do it for you. Their other partner suggests that they call it "Devoid of Original Ideas Poseur Bar." Matthew gets pouty and stomps off, and Jess goes across the room to greet...
...Luke, who has arrived, dressed up, and is looking at a crazy phallic painting that looks like nineteen vibrators dancing in a circle. [Insert your own joke, here.] "What is supposed to be?" Luke asks, and Jess suggests that he look at the title. "I did," Luke says. "It says 'Untitled.'" Jess: "Well, there you go." He gives Luke a tour, telling him about the books they print and the art they hang. "And a few of us live upstairs," he says. "That, you don't want to see. It's a disaster." Luke is impressed, and picks up a copy of Jess's book, saying that he's been trying to buy it, but couldn't find it. "It's not exactly The Da Vinci Code," Jess says. Luke says that he'll definitely get it, today. "By the way," he says, pointing across the room, "that is your cousin." Jess blandly says that his mom told him about the whole April thing. Jess is so blasé about it -- doesn't anyone get surprised anymore about secret kids? What does it take to shock people these days? Good Lord. Luke says that April's a total brainiac. "You confirm paternity?" Jess snarks, and Luke tells him not to be a wise-ass. He calls April over to introduce her, and Jess gives her a lame "hey." April sighs: "Men in this family aren't chatty." When she goes to explore a little more, Jess asks Luke how he's adjusting to this new phenomenon in his life. "Okay, I guess," Luke says, shrugging. "I like her, and she just sort of tolerates me." Which is...weird. Like he's just trying it out, this fatherhood game? "Come on," Jess says, leading him away. "I've got some sculpture over here you're really gonna hate."
Back in Stars Hollow, Lorelai continues her mission to run down her town. "Augh!" she yells. "That garbage smell!" Her parents both say they don't smell garbage, but she says that the wind shifted right after she said it. "Allowing a landfill within a mile of city limits," she says. "It's crazy!" Richard is alarmed anew, but Lorelai shrugs again, asking where they parked. He tells her over on Peach Street. "Oh," she says, "over on Carjack Lane?" Heee! She assures their anxious faces that that's better than Chop Shop Alley. Richard suggests that she talk to the Stars Hollow mayor about all of these issues. Lorelai visibly blanches. "You mean Gropey McGee?" she says, with a note of disgust. "I cannot, will not, ever put myself in that position again."
Now Lorelai leads her parents into Doose's, commenting that, yes, it's cute, but it's unclean and never has the basics she needs. Emily asks what she's looking for. "Everything!" Lorelai says. "They have nothing." She busts on all the unknown brands, particularly Aunt Molly's Ice Cream. "You'll notice there's no picture of Aunt Molly on the carton," she says. "I Googled her and got a mug shot, and all I could think was 'I hope she hasn't been selling that stuff to kids.'" Taylor hears Lorelai slamming the place and comes running over. It occurs to me that if she really wanted to sour her parents on Stars Hollow, she should have introduced them to Taylor from the get-go. His whining would drive off even the hungriest, most determined vampire. He comes over and harasses Lorelai for disparaging his store, which is against the law, and saying that, as mayor, he has the authority to write her up. Emily sees her chance to make a fast getaway and says that she's just going to get something out of the car. "Mom!" Lorelai insists. "You don't know the safe streets; you walk down the wrong one, you die!" Well, either that or she gets involved in some crazy townie hijinks, like a...popsicle pageant or a dance recital or whatever they're always doing in the gazebo.
Back in Philadelphia, a spoken word performance is going on in Jess's store, Truncheon Books. I don't know if it's any good or not, because no matter how sophisticated I think I am, spoken word always, always makes me laugh. Luke is also wondering whether it's good, and leans over to ask April. She gives him the international symbol for "so so," which cracks me up. Jess comes downstairs with Matthew, and, lo and behold, runs right into Rory. "Well," he says, attempting to play it cool. "Isn't this a day of surprises." Rory looks around, impressed. "I like it," she says. "It makes me feel like I instantly want to create something. Give me a pen; give me a brush." I know Alexis Bledel and Milo Ventimiglia are dating in real life...so what is it about them that, when they are together, they both lose whatever acting skills they have and become doubly awkward? Speaking of awkward, Rory sees Luke across the room, and she and Jess go over to say hi. April, who has thoroughly investigated the store now, tells Jess that his books are really easy to skim. "Thanks," Jess says. "That'll make a nice blurb." Luke asks what Rory's doing there. "Same thing you're doing here," she says. Jess excuses himself to go and grab something for Luke...
...leaving Rory and April face to face. How some crazy black hole doesn't open, causing the two of them to...HOLD ON! Now I think I get what the Paul Anka dream was all about! Maybe? Right? Rory's like the Real Paul Anka and April is like the Dog Paul Anka? Or vice versa, whatever. I mean, it cannot be argued that April IS the New Rory, so...y'all think about it. Like a kid will, April blurts that Rory has a great face. Rory thanks her, saying likewise. Luke finally has to introduce them, calling Rory an "old friend." April squints. "She doesn't look old," she says. Luke bumbles along, saying he's known Rory a long time, yada yada, and finally says that Rory is the daughter of "the woman I'm with; my fiancée. You met her that one time. It's kind of complicated." April looks momentarily confused, but quickly gets over it, especially when Luke refers to Freddy again as her boyfriend.
Jess reappears and takes Luke aside, presenting him with a copy of his book, along with a check. Luke asks what it's for. "It's what's owed," Jess says, to Luke's protest. "I owe you. Take it, and if you rip it up, I'm just going to send another one." Luke sighs. He tells Jess that he's very proud of him and what he's doing. "I don't get all of it," Luke says, "but...I'm me."
Back in the corner, the two Rories are still talking. April laments that she ever told Luke that she liked Freddy. She tells Rory it was nice meeting her.
Lorelai and Richard enter Luke's diner where, Lorelai complains, they'll probably not be able to get a table. They see Emily at a corner table, playing cards with a little girl. A nerdy, cute little girl, with brown hair and glasses. Oh my God. A THIRD Rory? I cannot keep up. Is Stars Hollow like a Brunette Children of the Corn? Emily is being super-sweet to the girl, playing Go Fish with her and letting her win. "You said she was smart," Emily says, "but this is something else." Lorelai's shoulders sink. "Mom," she says, "who do you think this is?" Emily: "Luke's daughter." Lorelai sighs, and has to break it to Emily that this is not, in fact, Luke's daughter. Emily is absolutely, hilariously incredulous. "And here I was," she says, "bonding with it." I have rewound this scene five times to hear her call the kid "it." She berates the child, asking her who she is. "Uh..." the kid says, probably scared. "Never mind, honey," Lorelai says, telling her that she should probably go home where "it's safe." Emily is furious: "It told me it was someone's daughter, here." Lorelai explains that she probably meant someone in town, not in the diner. "The little idiot kept tipping her cards so I could see them," Emily says, "and pretend that I didn't." Emily says she thought the kid was Luke's daughter, but Lorelai strenuously insists that she can be assured she will have no contact with Luke's daughter any time soon. "What does that mean?" Emily says. Lorelai: "It means that I don't even see her. Luke and I have an arrangement." Emily asks what kind of arrangement they have. "Well," Lorelai stutters, "he...I mean, we...mutually decided that I probably shouldn't have any contact with her." Emily is amazed by this: "That's ridiculous. You have to have a relationship with this girl. It's imperative." Lorelai argues that Emily doesn't know the whole story. "But I know your handiwork when I see it," Emily says. "Playing cautious when you should be diving in." She says that April is Luke's blood relation and that Lorelai needs to get to know her. "You'll be in her life," she says, "for the rest of your life." Frustrated, Lorelai says that it's not just her, but Emily barrels ahead, pretty much assuming that it's all Lorelai's idea to stay away from April. Emily is distracted, finally, wondering where Richard is. She leaves to find him at their "appointment," pausing to attack Cesar for not clueing her in about Luke's non-daughter, the cardshark. Cesar runs away, saying that he hates customers, leaving Lorelai to stew sadly over this latest turn of events.
The three store owners are recapping their night at the bookstore. Jess and the other guy harass Matthew for not controlling his poet, who was rambling on about how he desired Golda Meir. "Please," Jess begs, "tell me that was symbolic." Jess, by the way, is wearing a Dinosaur Jr. t-shirt under a blazer, which...well, that's perfect for Jess in a lot of melodramatic ways. The other guys leave, and, lo and behold, Rory is there, the last person in the store.
Jess goes to sit with Rory, and they talk about his book. He's self-deprecating and she's complimentary and they smile at each other, and soon some smooching goes down. Rory seems into it at first, but quickly pulls away. Jess is confused. She says she's sorry and that she's such a jerk. He asks what she's talking about. "I couldn't even cheat on him," she says, "the way he cheated on me." Jess is even more confused. "Who cheated on y-- that guy?" he asks, disbelieving. She nods, saying that they're still together. "I hate this," Jess says, pissed. "I don't deserve this, Rory." She agrees, wholeheartedly: "No, you don't. You don't deserve it. I just...I'm in love with him." She shrugs, and I have never wished for her and Jess to get together more than I do right now. Ugh, Rory. "Despite all the bad he's done," she says, "I can't help it. I'm in love with him." Jess shakes his head. "I guess I'll call Matthew's poet," he says, "and have him explain love to me. Poets know all about it, right?" Rory says she guesses they do, and says she'd better go. "I'm so sorry I came here," she tells Jess, sincerely apologetic. "I'm not," he says, wearing that Dinosaur Jr. shirt for all it's worth. "It's what it is. You...me." As she leaves, he tells her that if it makes her feel any better, she can always tell Logan that they did something. Double ugh. She thanks him, and leaves.
Luke is on the school bus again, sitting up front with the parents. He volunteers to hand out the Amish country brochures and hands April a sweater, saying that he thought she might need it. Turning back to go up front, Luke hears April tell her friend that "my dad is ridiculously overprotective." He smiles.
In her house, Lorelai stands before Mrs. Kim's horrible wedding dress. With a cup of coffee, as the Sparks' "Angst in My Pants" blares gorgeously loud in the background, she circles the offending garment. Finally, she stops back in front, smiles a simple smile, and in one quick move, covers the thing with coffee, and we go out on her satisfied smile. Awesome.