Jews And Chinese Food

Fresh cup of coffee, popcorn, a glass of wine, a bottle of water and it's storming outside. I'd say these are perfect conditions for recapping.

But first, a little fanmail I'd like to share with you:

Pamie,

Do you enjoy watching the Gilmore Girls? I'm surprised you gave this episode a 'B' considering your recap didn't highlight one thing you enjoyed during the show. If everything on the show annoys you, why continue watching? I personally quite enjoyed the episode and had wanted to hear your thoughts of it. I know you've been frustrated and fed-up with everything on the show for a while, but I had hoped that a 'B' rating would mean you enjoyed something!

If you hate writing the recaps because they spoil the show for you, can someone else do it? I don't want a gushing fan who sees the whole Gimore [sic] world as perfect, but grab a writer who actually enjoys some aspects of the show to recap it. That would be a refreshing change. I thought your buddy Al did a great job. He [sic] didn't love everything he saw but he at least let us in on the moments/lines/reactions he felt made the show worth watching.

L.

Or:

Hi. So. I just...really wish you'd stop recapping Gilmore Girls. I think you're a good writer, and I'm sure you're a nice person, but I still really like the show, and I wish I had recaps of it I could enjoy. Look, I know the point of TWOP is to snark, but you're not even snarking, you're just over it and bitter and depressing. I loved the guest spot by Al Lowe -- so refreshing, someone who can still give the show a chance. Your recaps make me sad and irritated each week because you can't see the good stuff that I see in the show, or if you can, you never mention it. Look, I bawled like a baby all during "Say Something," and that's crazy for me. And I like Lorelai -- sorry, I do.

And yet I can't seem to stop reading the recaps because no one else is writing consistently about the show and I want to read about it...but I'm going to have to quit. I just can't handle the big downer of your recaps every week. I guess you'll think that if the show were better, you wouldn't have to be such a downer, but...the show doesn't bring me down. I think your viewpoint on this is permanently bittered-up, and I wish you'd let someone else take the job.

Sorry. Thanks

Let's just let the show's superfans speak for themselves with this:

Ahhh -- how many times have I done this? Channeling Lorelai, I've done it like a million times! OK, so like her, I'm embellishing for dramatic effect, but, sheeee-YEAH! Over and over and over. First micro-focusing on him, then on her. Then on her hands, then on his. Then on his face, then hers. Then their body language in the final scene.

Jeez -- a promo does THIS to me. Plus the mere sight of his raised eyebrows and

Just wanted you to understand a bit the headspace I'm in tonight, as I sit down to recap the latest episode. While I'm fully aware you cannot please all of the people all of the time, I'm certainly trying my best to please the "Red Stater." That's a phrase they use at the television job I have these days. "Red Stater." I want you to know that's the phrase they use when they mean "total dipshit." I don't feel that way about you. I do try to write to the top of your intelligence. It's just that the powers that be sometimes think you couldn't find your way out of a used bookstore without help from Blue's Clues. Notes like that last gushing squee-fest aren't helping some of y'all's cases. So. In order to attempt to be as mainstream and satisfying to as many people as possible, without losing the audience who actually might enjoy my writing (I know -- "gasp!"), I will recap to two completely different audiences: first for the readers of TelevisionWithoutPity.com, and then for a site I'll just call...Television. (dot org?) To protect myself, however, I shall write my alternate recap under my fanfic-gushing pseudonym "Stac(e)y."

We open at Yale. Strummy-strummy. Lorelai is walking through the quad and takes a flyer that's jammed into her hand. "Oh, thanks," she says, not looking down. She passes extras who are mugging down against pillars. She wears an orange cap, but no scarf, as her shirt is open about three buttons, so I hope she doesn't catch a cold. She walks, walks, walks over to H10, the room of Rory and Paris. She knocks, which is sweet, considering I'd imagine Lorelai would normally burst right in with her latest news. A male voice tells her to come in, and when she opens the door she's a little surprised to see Doyle hanging on the couch, feet on the table. She asks if she has the wrong room. "I wouldn't know," Doyle says. Paris storms out to bitch at Doyle for putting wet towels in her hamper on top of her dry clothes, creating a wet, musty odor. I hate that! Paris introduces Lorelai to Doyle as "Rory's mother." Doyle informs Lorelai that he's "Rory's editor." "And my lover," Paris adds. Hee. Lorelai thinks that's a tad TMI. In the background we see a gigantic poster of Dave Eggers in, like, this Teen Beat shot, with his big ol' feet crossed in front of him and his hand pushing through his hair like he's a J. Crew model. I can't explain how much of a scene-stealer it is. Maybe because it's taller than Doyle. Damn, I can't find it on the internet. I hate when that happens. Doyle says he doesn't think "lover" is the correct term. Paris asks what would be the correct term, then. "At a later time, Paris," Doyle says, trying to keep his smile unbroken. Paris explains to Lorelai that she and Doyle haven't exactly defined the social aspects of their relationship, even though they're having sex three times a week or so. "Paris, I beg you," Doyle practically whimpers. Lorelai offers to wait outside for Rory. Paris realizes she's making Lorelai feel uncomfortable, but tells Doyle she doesn't care if he's uncomfortable. Lorelai swears she's fine, but thinks Doyle and Paris should maybe be alone. Paris apologizes for even talking about love and sex, what with Lorelai currently being without either. "Rory, are you here?" Lorelai screams. Rory shouts that she's getting her coat. "Oh, can I watch?" Lorelai asks. Rory asks if Paris is out there. "She sure is." Rory: "Come on in." Lorelai leaves. Paris asks Doyle what's his damage. Doyle: "You look so hot when you find me annoying." Paris: "Then I must be Gisele Bndchen to you twenty-four/seven."

Stac(e)y: I lurve Lorelai's super-cute hat. She goes to Yale and goes to Rory's room and there's boyfriend!Doyle totally making himself at home because he's dating Bossy!Paris, who totally complains that Doyle's putting his wet laundry on her laundry (Dirty!!!1!), and I'm like, "Honey? If that boy put anything wet on me, I'd be grateful!LOL!" So then Lorelai says something REALLY FUNNY because Paris is talking about having s*x with Doyle and ohmigod it was hilarious, you should have seen it.

Rory puts on lipstick and apologizes to her mother for having to hear Doyle and Paris speak. She then has to apologize again immediately for having told Paris about Lorelai and Luke's breakup. Rory tries to make it seem like it wasn't her fault that she told Paris; like there's some kind of truth Roofie in the breakfast cereal's Half & Half. Lorelai tells her not to worry, since she was just handed a flyer in the mall, meaning she was mistaken for a student. Rory points out that, according to the flyer, she was also just mistaken for a sexually-confused Polynesian. Rory stands in front of her Dave Eggers poster. No, the other one. Lorelai thinks it's a good idea, their having dinner together. Rory points out that it is Friday night, after all. Lorelai says it's a huge deal they're not eating with "Eva and Adolf." Rory scolds Lorelai for calling Richard "Aldolf." Lorelai: "No, no. That was Gramma." Heh. Nice one, Lor.

Stac(e)y: What color lipstick was Rory putting on at the beginning of Episode 5-15????? I REALLY need to KNoW!!! OMG, it was SO RUDE calling Emily H1T1er. Do you know how many Jews Hitler killed? Emily hasn't ever killed anyone! I know it was a joke, but some people were actually killed in the Holocost. People should be more SENSITIVE. Esp. Loreleii! She's a Jew!!!

Sara M calls: "Hey, listen, Pam. I really need to tell you something. I think your recaps...they're just not good anymore. You're really not fair to Lorelai anymore. Ever since you got married, your recaps just...they just suck. I'm so happy to get this off my chest. Yeah, just needed to tell you. Okay, I'll hang up now. You suck. I hope you've learned why you're wrong and it's important to be fair to Lorelai, who's a fictional character who doesn't exist and doesn't have feelings. I tune in each week because the promos tell me this'll be the week she decides between the guy with the hat and the guy who's Rory's dad. I think you haven't been fair to her. I just wanted to...I just wanted to let you know that. Love ya. I know it's a weird thing to end a friendship over, but it's important to me. It just outweighs all the nice things you've done for me. Like a scale. Please stop typing. I can hear you typing. I'm not Stacey, okay? I'm disappointed, but I'm not Stacey. I hope you take what I've said tonight to heart and like, really think about it, you know?"

Rory walks back into the common room and tells Paris they're going. She walks past Doyle, who's holding the biggest Costco bag of potato chips of all time. The prop department was like, "Okay. You need a flyer about bi-curious Polynesian students, a container of lipstick, and a giganto bag of potato chips all in the first two minutes of the episode? Awesome. I'll just stay late. Do you want potato chips, or can we make a big bag of cheese puffs?" The prop department couldn't decide, so they call the chips "Snap N'," which doesn't really explain if they're chips, puffs, or pretzels, but bag is fashioned after the Lay's logo, I'm making the assumption. Forgive me. Okay, I just froze the TiVo and slo-mo'ed it so I could read "Potato Chips." This is officially More Info Than You Need. Paris stops Lorelai to tell her that she's there if Lorelai wants to talk about her breakup. Hey, maybe she could loan Lorelai her life coach, like how Logan tossed Rory his driver Frank last time. Paris adds that she'd like to have the heart-to-heart before Tuesday, because she's doing a paper for her Emotional Mental Health class on how women "of a certain age" cope with loneliness, and Lorelai's the perfect age for the paper. Rory resignedly stares at the ground. "You can't take her," she tells Lorelai. "She's trained in Krav Maga. Lorelai curses, and says goodbye to Paris as we go to opening credits.

Stac(e)y: I'm such a total Paroyle shipper, but what was up with Paris asking for Lorelai's luv details?!? Um, nosy much? Did anyone catch what Rory said about Paris at the end of the scene, right before the opening credits (Old Person Singing Alert!LOL!). It sounded like she said Paris had crabs! I hope that's not true, or Doyle's gonna need to go to a pharmacy!! Anyway, two minutes in and not one moment that wasn't absolutely perfect. Yay! I love me this show!!!!!1!

Yale cafeteria. Lorelai calls Rory "Ace," and asks where the cool kids sit. Rory informs her mother, not unsnottily, that at Yale, there are no cliques and "cool kids" sections. Perhaps because there are no cool kids. Nerds! Rich nerds! Wealthy, successful nerds who will go on to own houses and fancy cars! Why don't you...go...be happy somewhere and...not...need me to do anything for you? Lorelai wants to know where the geeks, stoners, and Plastics sit. Perhaps Lorelai should have visited Rory at school sometime in the past two years. Lorelai thinks Yale's pretty hippie, what with the lack of cliques and hatred. Rory says it's just like Haight-Ashbury, "except the tie-dye's done by Prada." Rory tells her mother not to sit at the table she's at. Not because it's inhabited by dorks, but because it's got a draft. Lorelai calls her daughter "Grandma," and suggests she gets a shawl. Rory holds up a school-marmy finger and says one good cold can set you back a month's worth of studying. Lorelai changed that sentence in her head to include the word "partying," because it's important for her self-image to pretend she didn't raise such a goody-goody dork of a daughter. Aw, enjoy when Rory's prudish and innocent. It comes so rarely these days.

Rory and Lorelai toast with their Diet Cokes to their very own Friday-night dinner. ["Rory's a college student. Lorelai can't spring for a restaurant when she takes her out for dinner, instead of making her eat in the same cafeteria where she has every meal ever?" -- Wing Chun] Rory asks what's going on at home. Lorelai gasps and launches into a story about a grapefruit shortage due to "the hurricanes." Taylor's freaking out. Patty and Babette are launching Stars Hollow's first Botox party. This is kind of sad to me. Rory asks if Lorelai's invited, and Lorelai gets rightfully offended. Rory changes the subject back to grapefruit. Lorelai tells Rory that she's doing the costumes for Stars Hollow Elementary's production of Fiddler on the Roof.

Rory asks Lorelai, at a couple of different levels of sympathy, "How are you doing?" Lorelai promises that she's closer to fine, and that she's not waiting to hear from Luke, either. She says she's even getting down a new morning routine. She's been visiting Weston's. "Decent coffee; excellent strudel," Rory concurs. Let me tell you what actually happens when your mom starts talking about her problems with her boyfriend. You go, "Oh, yeah?" with way too much emphasis on both words because you aren't sure which word to key, because inside you're shriveling and crying because you want your mom to be your mommy forever, and Mommies Don't Date, and they certainly don't have sex, and they certainly don't have sex with people who aren't your dad. So while you pretend that this is so girl-power and totally awesome to have the kind of relationship where your mom can say to you, "I just don't know what to do. What would you do?," inside your brain is screaming, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Fifteen or thirty-five, you don't want to hear about your mom's romantic encounters because it means you have to imagine your mom asking someone the question, "Do you have a condom?" or worse, "Should I get an AIDS test?" or "Do you think ___ will find me sexy in this dress?" If Rory's this cool with discussing her mom's sex life, Lorelai didn't raise her to think of her as a mother at all. And maybe that's why Rory doesn't treat any of her boyfriends correctly. She hasn't had a role model; just a buddy she's lived with for most of her life.

Anyway...Rory says that her days consist of studying with a strong chaser of studying. Lorelai asks, "How's, uh, Logan?" like she's asking, "What about That Boy I Don't Like?" Rory says he's been out of town for a while, so she hasn't seen him. Rory mentions that she got an email from her dad. This causes Lorelai to flinch through her nostrils, which is quite a talent. Lorelai immediately lays into Christopher for taking two weeks to email after "the fact." Rory says he was just nervous. Lorelai tells Rory she doesn't need to hide that info from her. Actually, from the looks of things, it might not be a bad idea. Rory says she wasn't sure Lorelai would have wanted to hear all of that. Christopher just wanted to tell his side of the story. Lorelai's scoffing all over the place now, sure that Christopher's side is so full of the truth. Rory tells Lorelai that Christopher said it was all a misunderstanding, and that he only came to the vow renewal to see the vows being renewed. Lorelai adds that he only came because "Adolf" told him to. Poor Rory. She's not allowed to like any of her dads right now. Lorelai says that the more Christopher defends himself, the more he needs to defend himself. Then don't ask, Lor. Rory worries that it wasn't just Emily behind this mess -- Richard was involved as well. Lorelai assures Rory that Grampa was an innocent in all this. Really? Check his business records, because I'm pretty sure he bought Luke's diner a few episodes ago. A couple of harried, hungover girls plop down to Lorelai, not even taking their coats off before they moan, "Oh, God," and "Never, never again." Dude, it's not even like, 8. What do you Whiffenpoofs do over there? Lorelai: "See? We are at the cool table."

Stac(e)y: Christopher should go away. I'll kill him myself, if I have to, because he's already got a child -- HELLO!? And Rory's got too much homework to do to worry about telling her mother about an email she got. Right on, Loreali, for calling her mom a B****H. That food at Yale looked good. All we have at my caf on Friday is mac and cheese. GROSS!

Lorelai and Rory walk outside in the cold quad eating ice cream, talking about the merits of eating ice cream outside when it's cold. Lorelai sticks her tongue out to show her daughter the tongue-shaped ice cube her tongue has turned into from the cold, cold ice cream she ate while outside in the cold. Marty wanders into the scene, head deep in a book. Lorelai asks (for some of your benefits) if that's Rory's Naked Guy. "Oh, yeah," Rory says, like even she's almost forgotten about him. She then corrects Lorelai, saying he's not her naked guy at all. Rory says hello. Marty looks up, sees Rory, and turns around to run away as fast as he can, his giant backpack taking up the entire television screen as he leaves. Rory and Lorelai haven't noticed this, however, because they're talking about how important it is not to have a communal Naked Guy these days. They look up to see he's gone. "I guess he didn't hear about you sitting at the cool table," Lorelai concludes. She asks if Rory's "rumbling" with Marty. Even UrbanDictionary.com is like, "That's kind of stretching slang, Lorelai, even for you." Rory says they're just not as close lately. Both women agree that it's a shame, because Marty seems like a nice guy. Lorelai thanks Rory for dinner and says she should get back. Rory invites her to come in and watch television for a little while or stay the night. Lorelai tells her "Miss Nightingale" that she's fine, and that unless there are monsters under Rory's bed, there's no need for Lorelai to spend the night at Yale. Also, that might be filed under "the most pathetic thing you can do post-breakup." The ground is wet, and I'm wondering if they were filming this episode during the constant rain we've been having since Michel lost Paw Paw at the inn. Lorelai tells Rory she's been dumped before. "Not with Luke," Rory points out. Lorelai swears she's cool, and not just because she was sitting at that table. They kiss goodbye and Lorelai leaves, pushing the "strummy-strummy-segue" button on her way out.